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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,012 --> 00:00:02,730 - Ha! Come on! Get some! - They're here! 2 00:00:02,731 --> 00:00:05,149 They're finally here! 3 00:00:05,150 --> 00:00:08,551 Uh, a lot of thin envelopes, bro. 4 00:00:08,552 --> 00:00:10,252 Here goes nothing! 5 00:00:11,806 --> 00:00:13,890 "Dear Josh..." That's a good start. 6 00:00:13,892 --> 00:00:16,679 "We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer 7 00:00:16,694 --> 00:00:19,196 "you admission to Kristen. Kristen receives hundreds 8 00:00:19,197 --> 00:00:20,998 "of applications each year, but she only has room 9 00:00:20,999 --> 00:00:22,699 "for two or three guys. 10 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,001 "Blah, blah, blah. We wish you all the best 11 00:00:24,002 --> 00:00:25,118 "in finding a girlfriend 12 00:00:25,119 --> 00:00:26,787 for the fall term." 13 00:00:26,788 --> 00:00:28,705 Damn it, she was my top choice. 14 00:00:28,706 --> 00:00:30,257 Don't worry about it, buddy. 15 00:00:30,258 --> 00:00:32,125 Nobody gets into Kristen. Open another. 16 00:00:32,126 --> 00:00:33,844 - Okay, all right! - Yeah, we got this. 17 00:00:33,845 --> 00:00:34,678 - Here goes nothing! - Come on! 18 00:00:34,679 --> 00:00:35,679 "Dear Josh: Thank you 19 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:36,763 "for your interest in Erica. 20 00:00:36,764 --> 00:00:39,383 - Mm-hmm. - "Unfortunately, after 21 00:00:39,384 --> 00:00:40,884 "many years as a coed institution, 22 00:00:40,885 --> 00:00:43,554 she has decided to admit only women." 23 00:00:43,555 --> 00:00:44,805 - For real? - Yeah. 24 00:00:44,806 --> 00:00:45,939 Why do I suddenly want to go there? 25 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:47,441 Yeah, that's, you know, it's hard 26 00:00:47,442 --> 00:00:49,059 - to take that personal, so... - Yeah! 27 00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:51,228 Open more! Open more! 28 00:00:51,229 --> 00:00:52,980 Laura... Damn it. 29 00:00:52,981 --> 00:00:54,031 That's a six-year program. You don't want that. 30 00:00:54,032 --> 00:00:55,532 Annie! 31 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,901 Rejected. Shaniqua? 32 00:00:57,902 --> 00:01:00,070 But I didn't have... I wasn't holding my breath on that. 33 00:01:00,071 --> 00:01:02,038 Rebecca? Deanna? Vanessa. 34 00:01:05,577 --> 00:01:07,995 Aw, man. 35 00:01:07,996 --> 00:01:09,045 And that's that. 36 00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:14,918 Sorry, man. 37 00:01:14,919 --> 00:01:17,087 - I know, I know. - It's okay. 38 00:01:17,088 --> 00:01:19,590 Hey, hey, hey, hey... 39 00:01:19,591 --> 00:01:20,841 There. 40 00:01:20,842 --> 00:01:22,926 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 41 00:01:22,927 --> 00:01:23,810 What is that? 42 00:01:23,811 --> 00:01:25,512 Okay, let's not 43 00:01:25,513 --> 00:01:26,980 get our hopes up, all right? 44 00:01:26,981 --> 00:01:29,733 "Dear Josh: We are delighted 45 00:01:29,734 --> 00:01:31,435 "to announce that you have been accepted 46 00:01:31,436 --> 00:01:33,270 as a boyfriend by Rachel!" 47 00:01:33,271 --> 00:01:34,688 Yes! 48 00:01:34,689 --> 00:01:35,772 Ah, Rachel? I... 49 00:01:35,773 --> 00:01:37,908 I never heard of Rachel. 50 00:01:37,909 --> 00:01:39,776 Here, here. She's a, she's a small liberal arts girl. 51 00:01:39,777 --> 00:01:42,279 Aw, man, are you sure, dude? 52 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,115 "Dinner parties, book clubs, 53 00:01:45,116 --> 00:01:46,700 poetry readings"? 54 00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:47,618 Um... I just don't think 55 00:01:47,619 --> 00:01:48,752 she's a good match. 56 00:01:48,753 --> 00:01:50,037 Look, maybe 57 00:01:50,038 --> 00:01:51,672 defer for a year, travel, 58 00:01:51,673 --> 00:01:53,006 and then apply for a girl you really like. 59 00:01:53,007 --> 00:01:54,091 No more applying. 60 00:01:54,092 --> 00:01:55,459 I'm sick of applying! 61 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:57,210 Now, she's in state. 62 00:01:57,211 --> 00:01:59,179 And she accepted me. 63 00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:01,681 Have you considered the Army? (door slams) 64 00:02:01,683 --> 00:02:03,933 (sighs) 65 00:02:09,189 --> 00:02:11,655 Man Seeking Woman - 01x08 Branzino 66 00:02:29,852 --> 00:02:33,208 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 67 00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,834 I can't believe how right we are for each other. 68 00:02:37,835 --> 00:02:39,469 We're so similar. 69 00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:40,587 It-it's just like we're soul mates. 70 00:02:40,588 --> 00:02:42,973 Soul mates. 71 00:02:42,974 --> 00:02:45,676 - It's like we're the same person. - Yeah. 72 00:02:45,677 --> 00:02:48,011 Like if I were to say my favorite food... Food... 73 00:02:48,012 --> 00:02:49,346 - is... - is... 74 00:02:49,347 --> 00:02:50,681 - soft... - soft... 75 00:02:50,682 --> 00:02:52,431 - boiled eggs. - Boil... soft-boiled eggs. 76 00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,988 I'm so excited to meet your mom. 77 00:02:57,989 --> 00:02:59,940 Yeah? Yeah, it's gonna be great. 78 00:02:59,941 --> 00:03:01,108 You look nervous. 79 00:03:01,109 --> 00:03:02,526 Well, I just, I haven't... 80 00:03:02,527 --> 00:03:04,528 introduced anyone to her in a while. 81 00:03:04,529 --> 00:03:07,197 So... yeah, it's just a bit of pressure. 82 00:03:07,198 --> 00:03:09,282 Oh, don't worry. 83 00:03:09,283 --> 00:03:10,417 You're right. I'm overthinking this. 84 00:03:10,418 --> 00:03:12,369 - Mm-hmm. - It's no big deal. 85 00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:15,871 ANNOUNCER: Live from Evanston, Illinois, it's... 86 00:03:15,873 --> 00:03:17,636 Tonight, join Mom and her guests... 87 00:03:17,638 --> 00:03:20,509 _ 88 00:03:20,511 --> 00:03:22,629 Featuring... 89 00:03:22,630 --> 00:03:25,382 And now here she is... 90 00:03:25,383 --> 00:03:27,183 Mom! 91 00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,388 Thank you. 92 00:03:31,389 --> 00:03:33,190 - Start with your funny horse story. - Oh, yeah. 93 00:03:33,191 --> 00:03:35,358 Get her laughing, then we'll go to where you're from. 94 00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:37,643 Tom, play me over to my desk. 95 00:03:39,230 --> 00:03:41,731 You guys are on. 96 00:03:43,685 --> 00:03:47,270 Let's bring out our first guests, Josh and Rachel. 97 00:03:47,271 --> 00:03:49,138 (crowd whoops, cheers) 98 00:03:55,730 --> 00:03:57,948 - Hi, Mom. - Oh... 99 00:03:57,949 --> 00:04:00,484 Good to see you. 100 00:04:00,485 --> 00:04:02,285 - Hi. Hi, Rachel. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 101 00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:03,870 It's nice to meet you. 102 00:04:03,871 --> 00:04:06,289 Josh has told me so much about you. 103 00:04:06,290 --> 00:04:08,241 (audience laughing) 104 00:04:08,242 --> 00:04:10,794 Okay. 105 00:04:10,795 --> 00:04:12,328 (bass note plays, audience laughs) 106 00:04:17,502 --> 00:04:19,386 So it says here 107 00:04:19,387 --> 00:04:22,472 you two have been together for three months. 108 00:04:22,473 --> 00:04:25,676 Um, no, no, it's, uh, three weeks, actually. 109 00:04:25,677 --> 00:04:27,177 - Three weeks? - Mm-hmm. 110 00:04:27,178 --> 00:04:29,563 There's an Activia in my fridge 111 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:32,015 I've had a longer relationship with. 112 00:04:32,016 --> 00:04:35,018 (audience laughs) 113 00:04:35,019 --> 00:04:37,020 So, Mom, 114 00:04:37,021 --> 00:04:40,357 uh, Rachel, uh, works for a nonprofit. 115 00:04:40,358 --> 00:04:41,742 Oh. 116 00:04:41,743 --> 00:04:43,944 - A nonprofit. - RACHEL: Yeah. 117 00:04:43,945 --> 00:04:47,864 A non... What is a nonprofit, Tom? 118 00:04:47,865 --> 00:04:50,250 - Do you know what that is? I do not... - It sounds like, uh, 119 00:04:50,251 --> 00:04:51,668 cousin Donnie's boat business. 120 00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:53,370 (laughs) 121 00:04:53,371 --> 00:04:55,922 Donnie's in jail. 122 00:04:55,923 --> 00:04:57,339 (audience laughing) Donnie... 123 00:05:01,379 --> 00:05:02,546 JOSH: No, actually, 124 00:05:02,547 --> 00:05:04,715 she works for a very, um, fascinating 125 00:05:04,716 --> 00:05:07,217 environmental... 126 00:05:07,218 --> 00:05:09,219 - advocacy group. - Oh. 127 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:11,054 Ad... Environmental advocacy group. 128 00:05:11,055 --> 00:05:14,224 Mmm, eco. 129 00:05:14,225 --> 00:05:15,442 Eco-I-A. 130 00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:17,644 RACHEL: I-I mostly do 131 00:05:17,645 --> 00:05:20,063 social media outreach and Java script coding. 132 00:05:20,064 --> 00:05:21,898 - Whoa. - Yeah. 133 00:05:21,899 --> 00:05:23,283 Well... (laughs) 134 00:05:23,284 --> 00:05:26,703 supercalifragilistic to you, too. 135 00:05:26,704 --> 00:05:28,405 TOM: I haven't seen your mother 136 00:05:28,406 --> 00:05:30,157 this confused since I tried to show her 137 00:05:30,158 --> 00:05:31,457 how to use an Allen wrench. 138 00:05:42,787 --> 00:05:44,404 We're gonna take a break. 139 00:05:44,405 --> 00:05:46,957 - Already? - And, uh, to hear from our sponsor. 140 00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:48,240 So we'll be right back. 141 00:05:51,663 --> 00:05:53,630 (band continues playing) 142 00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:55,332 Wait, um... 143 00:05:55,333 --> 00:05:58,335 Josh told me that you make the world's 144 00:05:58,336 --> 00:05:59,803 best German potato salad. 145 00:05:59,804 --> 00:06:01,755 That's true, I did. 146 00:06:01,756 --> 00:06:03,640 She's heard about the potato salad. 147 00:06:03,641 --> 00:06:05,142 RACHEL: I would be so honored 148 00:06:05,143 --> 00:06:07,144 if I could get the recipe. We're having 149 00:06:07,145 --> 00:06:08,679 people over for dinner on Saturday night, 150 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,347 and I'm still missing a starch. 151 00:06:10,348 --> 00:06:12,432 Lady is looking for a starch. 152 00:06:12,433 --> 00:06:16,019 You're hosting a dinner party? 153 00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:18,822 - Together? - Oh, y-yes. Yes, we are, yes, we are. 154 00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:21,191 Yeah. Well, that would be a potluck? 155 00:06:21,192 --> 00:06:23,860 - No, I'm making everything. - You're making everything? 156 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:26,496 - Buffet or sit-down? - Sit-down. 157 00:06:26,497 --> 00:06:28,865 Hello! 158 00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:31,752 Now, that's a real dinner par... Tom, 159 00:06:31,753 --> 00:06:35,205 they're hosting a real dinner party. 160 00:06:35,206 --> 00:06:36,707 Rachel, I want to 161 00:06:36,708 --> 00:06:38,542 hear all about it... 162 00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:41,211 what's on the menu, who are the guests. 163 00:06:41,212 --> 00:06:43,380 This is just great. 164 00:06:43,381 --> 00:06:45,382 Stick around. We're gonna be 165 00:06:45,383 --> 00:06:48,351 right back with my new favorite couple, 166 00:06:48,352 --> 00:06:51,104 - Josh and Rachel. - One, two, 167 00:06:51,105 --> 00:06:53,305 three, four, five, six and seven. 168 00:06:56,978 --> 00:06:59,896 Come on, get up. That's it. Come on, let's dance. 169 00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:01,732 Get down, 170 00:07:01,733 --> 00:07:04,985 get down, get down, get down. 171 00:07:04,986 --> 00:07:07,070 Last night, I think, went so great. 172 00:07:07,071 --> 00:07:08,405 It was amazing. 173 00:07:08,406 --> 00:07:09,873 It couldn't have gone any better. 174 00:07:09,874 --> 00:07:11,658 It's so obvious 175 00:07:11,659 --> 00:07:13,543 that we're perfect for each other. 176 00:07:13,544 --> 00:07:15,212 - We're so perfect. - Aw. 177 00:07:15,213 --> 00:07:17,664 Aw, thank you. 178 00:07:17,665 --> 00:07:20,250 Would you like 179 00:07:20,251 --> 00:07:23,386 - some breakfast? - Oh, yes, yes, please. 180 00:07:23,387 --> 00:07:24,421 What do we got? 181 00:07:24,422 --> 00:07:26,590 Soft-boiled eggs. 182 00:07:26,591 --> 00:07:29,092 Oh. Okay. 183 00:07:29,093 --> 00:07:31,061 This is our favorite meal. 184 00:07:31,062 --> 00:07:32,679 Yes, it is. 185 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,264 - Yes, it is. - (chuckles) 186 00:07:34,265 --> 00:07:37,100 - This is so perfect. This is all so cute. - Mm-hmm. 187 00:07:37,102 --> 00:07:40,188 Oh. That's a true egg smell. 188 00:07:40,188 --> 00:07:41,838 Cheers to a couple 189 00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:45,075 of soft-boiled... us. 190 00:07:45,076 --> 00:07:46,493 Mm. (laughs) 191 00:07:46,494 --> 00:07:49,029 - Mm. - Mm-hmm? 192 00:07:49,030 --> 00:07:52,081 - Perfection. - Mmm. Mm-hmm. (chuckles) 193 00:07:53,904 --> 00:07:57,123 Welcome, welcome, welcome. 194 00:07:57,124 --> 00:07:59,158 - Hey, come on in, guys. - Come on in. 195 00:07:59,159 --> 00:08:00,826 Yeah, we're... So we're adults. 196 00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:02,828 Oh, nice, you brought wine. 197 00:08:02,829 --> 00:08:05,331 It's a really good Malbec from Argentina. 198 00:08:05,332 --> 00:08:07,249 - I love Malbec. - I love Nalpec. 199 00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:10,469 Now, we will be plating in just a minute. 200 00:08:10,470 --> 00:08:12,171 Until then, go ahead and have Then... go ahead and... 201 00:08:12,172 --> 00:08:13,339 - some hors d'oeuvres. - Hors d'oeuvres. 202 00:08:13,340 --> 00:08:15,174 - Oh, this is incredible. - Please. 203 00:08:15,175 --> 00:08:16,225 Amusery your bouches. 204 00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:18,344 - Mm. - Let's, uh, 205 00:08:18,345 --> 00:08:20,846 - keep it clean. - Yeah, okay, sure, I'm sorry. 206 00:08:20,847 --> 00:08:23,599 (sighs) This is so... This is so fun and cute 207 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,933 and-and neat and awesome. 208 00:08:25,935 --> 00:08:27,970 This is my first real dinner party. 209 00:08:27,971 --> 00:08:29,738 - You're doing a great job. - Oh, thank you so much. 210 00:08:29,739 --> 00:08:31,690 Oh, you're so cute. (humming) 211 00:08:31,691 --> 00:08:33,442 (laughs) (knocking) 212 00:08:33,443 --> 00:08:34,693 - Oh. - Oh. 213 00:08:34,694 --> 00:08:36,695 - Duty calls. - Duty calls, duty calls. 214 00:08:36,696 --> 00:08:38,614 Welcome, welcome, wel... 215 00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:39,996 What up, sluts? 216 00:08:40,116 --> 00:08:41,901 (whoops, laughing) Oh. 217 00:08:41,902 --> 00:08:45,404 What... What are... What are you doing here? 218 00:08:45,405 --> 00:08:47,122 Saturday night, man. Came to party 219 00:08:47,123 --> 00:08:49,458 - with Dr. Cocktopus. (exclaims) Oh. - That's ne... 220 00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:51,577 That's not a nickname. That's not my nickname. 221 00:08:51,578 --> 00:08:54,079 - Oh, it is. That's his nickname. - Well, we're just 222 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,798 kind of having a little, uh, dinner party. 223 00:08:55,799 --> 00:08:57,416 - Party? Excellent. - No, not... 224 00:08:57,417 --> 00:08:59,835 - Where the honeys at? - No, it's not... 225 00:08:59,836 --> 00:09:03,339 - O-Okay. - MIKE: Hey, any of you homos got pills? 226 00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:05,591 - Yo, check it out. I call this one - No, I-I don't... 227 00:09:05,592 --> 00:09:08,996 "Cowboys and Indians" 'cause it's white and red. You get it? 228 00:09:09,012 --> 00:09:10,262 Mm. Mm, mm. 229 00:09:11,632 --> 00:09:13,599 What was that... six seconds? 230 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,017 Oh, God. 231 00:09:15,018 --> 00:09:16,636 You seen that video where that girl 232 00:09:16,637 --> 00:09:18,554 has sex with a dog? 233 00:09:18,754 --> 00:09:22,340 - It's disgusting, dude. - German shepherd. Yeah. 234 00:09:22,342 --> 00:09:24,310 You know those dogs are demented, too, 'cause they 235 00:09:24,311 --> 00:09:27,263 interbreed 'em. Oh, but that dog was lovin' it, bro. 236 00:09:27,264 --> 00:09:29,432 Dinner is served. 237 00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:31,567 Aw. Oh, it looks beautiful. 238 00:09:31,568 --> 00:09:34,270 - Cute. - Get that thing away from me, dude! 239 00:09:34,271 --> 00:09:35,855 (guffaws) 240 00:09:35,856 --> 00:09:39,692 What the shit kind of bullshit shit is that, man? 241 00:09:39,693 --> 00:09:42,361 - It's branzino. - Sanzino. 242 00:09:42,362 --> 00:09:44,246 Oh, man, that thing's gonna come to life 243 00:09:44,247 --> 00:09:46,282 and chew my nuts off in my sleep. 244 00:09:46,869 --> 00:09:48,931 God, it's like a Stephen King 245 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,267 movie up in here, bro. 246 00:09:50,269 --> 00:09:51,770 Rastafarian 247 00:09:51,771 --> 00:09:53,972 I'm a fish from the islands. 248 00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:57,626 Bla, bla, bla, bla. Sounds I like to slow it down, DJ. 249 00:09:57,627 --> 00:10:00,012 Ooh. Fish in space. Mike. 250 00:10:00,013 --> 00:10:01,847 (laughs) 251 00:10:01,848 --> 00:10:04,099 Will you put him in another room? He's getting all riled up. 252 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,051 Yeah, it's a very good... very good point. Okay. 253 00:10:06,052 --> 00:10:07,303 - Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy? - Uh-huh? 254 00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:09,271 - Why don't you put the fish down? - Yeah. 255 00:10:09,272 --> 00:10:10,722 - Okay. - Okay. Thanks. Okay. 256 00:10:10,724 --> 00:10:12,024 - Here, over here. - Here we go. 257 00:10:12,025 --> 00:10:13,976 Come on, right in here, right in here. 258 00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:15,478 - So who's seen Blackfish? - Oh, my God, it's... 259 00:10:15,479 --> 00:10:18,230 (laughs) Okay, okay. 260 00:10:18,231 --> 00:10:20,483 - Here, have a seat. Sit, sit, sit. - Wh... Why? 261 00:10:20,484 --> 00:10:22,401 Okay, okay. 262 00:10:22,402 --> 00:10:25,404 Um, you got to stay here for a bit, okay? 263 00:10:25,405 --> 00:10:26,322 - Okay. - Okay, good. 264 00:10:26,323 --> 00:10:27,573 Good bro. 265 00:10:27,574 --> 00:10:28,791 Good bro! 266 00:10:28,792 --> 00:10:30,075 (laughs) 267 00:10:30,076 --> 00:10:31,410 Whoa, whoa, where you going? 268 00:10:31,411 --> 00:10:32,745 Well, I have to get back to the party. 269 00:10:32,746 --> 00:10:33,913 Oh... No, no, no, no, no. No. 270 00:10:33,914 --> 00:10:35,664 No. You stay. 271 00:10:35,665 --> 00:10:37,165 - You have to stay here. Okay? - Oh... 272 00:10:39,002 --> 00:10:41,169 Good Mike. Good. 273 00:10:42,756 --> 00:10:46,175 (laughter) 274 00:10:46,183 --> 00:10:48,790 Good night, good night. 275 00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,293 (laughter) 276 00:10:50,295 --> 00:10:51,995 Thank you for the book recommendations. 277 00:10:51,997 --> 00:10:54,382 I can't wait to read all those books. 278 00:10:54,383 --> 00:10:56,000 - Whew! - Oh... 279 00:10:56,001 --> 00:10:58,586 That was so cute. 280 00:10:58,587 --> 00:11:00,505 - Okay. Now this. - I know. 281 00:11:00,506 --> 00:11:02,173 Well, good news... he's probably asleep. 282 00:11:02,174 --> 00:11:03,307 Okay. Shh. 283 00:11:06,246 --> 00:11:07,546 Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. 284 00:11:07,547 --> 00:11:09,248 JOSH: He got into the weed. 285 00:11:09,249 --> 00:11:10,916 MIKE: Paul Blart, Mall Cop. 286 00:11:10,917 --> 00:11:13,800 Paul Blart, Mall Cop. 287 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,688 - Josh, what are we gonna do about him? - I don't know. 288 00:11:15,689 --> 00:11:17,890 It's just getting to be so much work. 289 00:11:17,891 --> 00:11:19,642 I mean, looking after him, 290 00:11:19,643 --> 00:11:21,226 cleaning up his messes... 291 00:11:21,227 --> 00:11:22,728 Plus, he tried to hump Tina. 292 00:11:22,729 --> 00:11:24,063 Yeah, and he shit 293 00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:25,564 - on the bed. - Oh, my God. 294 00:11:25,565 --> 00:11:27,282 That would explain that smell. 295 00:11:27,283 --> 00:11:31,370 Maybe he just doesn't fit into our lifestyle. 296 00:11:31,371 --> 00:11:32,403 I think it's time. 297 00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,743 (passes gas) 298 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,580 JOSH: Come on, bro. 299 00:11:41,581 --> 00:11:43,549 (grunts) Atta bro. 300 00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:45,384 This way. Come on, buddy. 301 00:11:45,385 --> 00:11:46,501 Come on, bud. 302 00:11:49,089 --> 00:11:50,589 WOMAN: Hey, bro. 303 00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:51,890 You're a good bro, aren't you? 304 00:11:51,891 --> 00:11:53,759 - Yes, you are. - Yeah. 305 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,144 Do you like Call of Duty? 306 00:11:55,145 --> 00:11:57,396 Oh... Do you like Doritos? 307 00:11:57,397 --> 00:11:58,564 - (Mike laughing) - Oh, I bet you do! 308 00:11:58,565 --> 00:11:59,765 I bet you do. 309 00:11:59,766 --> 00:12:01,767 Aw, Salsa Verde! 310 00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:02,900 Sick! 311 00:12:05,822 --> 00:12:08,323 This place seems nice. 312 00:12:08,324 --> 00:12:10,109 Well, keeping our bros happy and healthy 313 00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:12,277 - is our top priority. - And you guys'll 314 00:12:12,278 --> 00:12:15,164 find a good new best friend for him? 315 00:12:15,165 --> 00:12:17,499 We'll certainly do our best in the 30-day time period. 316 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:19,618 Why? What happens after 30 days? 317 00:12:19,619 --> 00:12:21,537 You know, we don't really have the resources 318 00:12:21,538 --> 00:12:22,838 to keep the bros here permanently. 319 00:12:22,839 --> 00:12:24,456 So if we can't find a friend 320 00:12:24,457 --> 00:12:26,258 for them in that time, it... 321 00:12:26,259 --> 00:12:27,793 it is our policy to put them down. 322 00:12:27,794 --> 00:12:29,712 You mean kill them? 323 00:12:29,713 --> 00:12:31,296 It's very humane. 324 00:12:31,297 --> 00:12:32,765 First, we sedate the bros 325 00:12:32,766 --> 00:12:34,633 with a 12-pack of shitty beer, 326 00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,218 and then we inject their heart 327 00:12:36,219 --> 00:12:37,803 with a lethal dose of sodium thiopental. 328 00:12:37,804 --> 00:12:39,388 No. 329 00:12:39,389 --> 00:12:40,856 Uh, that's... 330 00:12:40,857 --> 00:12:43,058 I don't think I can do that to Mike. 331 00:12:43,059 --> 00:12:44,860 Mike is 27. 332 00:12:44,861 --> 00:12:46,895 Uh, that's very old for a bro. 333 00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:48,313 - Uh-huh. - And you've probably noticed 334 00:12:48,314 --> 00:12:50,566 he can't party as hard as he used to. 335 00:12:50,567 --> 00:12:52,735 Yeah, no, his... 336 00:12:52,736 --> 00:12:55,571 hangovers have been getting worse and... 337 00:12:55,572 --> 00:12:57,289 he's having trouble dancing. 338 00:12:57,290 --> 00:12:58,741 Turn down, what's up! 339 00:12:58,742 --> 00:13:00,743 - Oh. - Yeah. 340 00:13:00,744 --> 00:13:01,994 No, I guess his... 341 00:13:01,995 --> 00:13:04,129 quality of life's pretty poor. 342 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,665 You know, when a bro gets to the age where he can't, 343 00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:09,134 you know, pound Patr?n and crush mad sloppy gash, 344 00:13:09,135 --> 00:13:13,005 the best option is often death. 345 00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:14,839 (exhales) 346 00:13:16,748 --> 00:13:17,881 Initial here... 347 00:13:19,179 --> 00:13:20,646 Okay. Um... 348 00:13:20,647 --> 00:13:22,014 (exhales) 349 00:13:22,015 --> 00:13:23,515 Can I just, uh, say, uh... 350 00:13:23,516 --> 00:13:24,816 - Just take a minute. - Thank you. 351 00:13:28,772 --> 00:13:29,938 (laughs) Hey. Hey. 352 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:31,774 - Hey. - Hey. 353 00:13:31,775 --> 00:13:33,609 - Okay, I'm gonna get going now. - Okay. 354 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:36,028 - I'll come with you. Let's get burritos. - No, no. 355 00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:37,863 You got to stay here. 356 00:13:37,864 --> 00:13:39,497 - What? - Yeah. 357 00:13:43,119 --> 00:13:44,536 (sighs) Yeah. 358 00:13:44,537 --> 00:13:45,871 I love you, bro. 359 00:13:45,872 --> 00:13:48,340 I love you, too, dude. 360 00:13:48,341 --> 00:13:50,375 Oh. 361 00:13:50,376 --> 00:13:52,543 (bars rattle) This door sucks. 362 00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:55,046 Hey. 363 00:13:58,685 --> 00:14:00,385 MAN: Oh, dude. 364 00:14:00,386 --> 00:14:02,187 I'm so hammered. 365 00:14:02,188 --> 00:14:03,522 I pounded those beers. 366 00:14:03,523 --> 00:14:05,224 You sure did, bro. 367 00:14:05,225 --> 00:14:06,725 MAN: I got to get my dick 368 00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:08,143 wet, son. 369 00:14:08,144 --> 00:14:09,978 You'll get your dick wet... 370 00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,446 in Heaven. 371 00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:13,398 MAN: Sick. 372 00:14:13,399 --> 00:14:15,484 Oh! 373 00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:16,735 Oh, my God! 374 00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:18,737 No! No, no! 375 00:14:18,738 --> 00:14:21,540 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 376 00:14:21,541 --> 00:14:23,659 Uh, hey, ma'am? 377 00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:25,711 Made a huge mistake. I-I... 378 00:14:25,712 --> 00:14:28,413 Um, I want my bro back. 379 00:14:28,414 --> 00:14:31,717 It's too late! Your bro is property of the state. 380 00:14:31,718 --> 00:14:34,670 Prop-Property of the state? He's my best friend in there. (laughs) 381 00:14:34,671 --> 00:14:37,973 He's a menace! Bros are nothing but a scourge on our city. 382 00:14:37,974 --> 00:14:40,008 Slamming shots, pissing in the streets, shouting "YOLO." 383 00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,261 They should all be exterminated! 384 00:14:42,262 --> 00:14:43,679 Exterminated? 385 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,763 Okay. All right. 386 00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:48,900 (man shouts indistinctly) 387 00:14:51,971 --> 00:14:54,356 Hey, what's all that, uh...? 388 00:14:54,357 --> 00:14:56,607 Hey, stop! 389 00:14:59,112 --> 00:15:00,579 WOMAN: Guards! Oh, no, no, no, no. 390 00:15:00,581 --> 00:15:02,282 (whistling) MAN: Hey, stop! Stop 'em! 391 00:15:02,282 --> 00:15:04,032 Hey, come on right now. 392 00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:05,667 Get down! 393 00:15:05,668 --> 00:15:08,120 Bro release! 394 00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:10,172 Come on! Come on! 395 00:15:10,173 --> 00:15:13,375 (indistinct, overlapping shouting and chatter) 396 00:15:13,376 --> 00:15:14,927 Come on! Come on! 397 00:15:14,928 --> 00:15:16,628 (whooping, horn honks) 398 00:15:16,629 --> 00:15:19,097 - What is this place? - A place where bros 399 00:15:19,098 --> 00:15:21,266 can run free. (loud, indistinct shouting) 400 00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:22,768 MAN: Oh, sick! 401 00:15:22,769 --> 00:15:23,969 Naked ladies! 402 00:15:23,970 --> 00:15:25,637 (laughter and shouting) 403 00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:27,890 - Aren't you coming? - I got to get back 404 00:15:27,891 --> 00:15:29,942 to Rachel. We're going to Ikea. 405 00:15:29,943 --> 00:15:31,109 (siren blaring) 406 00:15:31,110 --> 00:15:33,312 You got to get in there, bud, 407 00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:35,146 before they run out of wings. 408 00:15:41,037 --> 00:15:42,988 Good-bye, bro. 409 00:15:42,989 --> 00:15:46,074 I want some tittays! 410 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,960 (whoops and laughs) 411 00:15:47,961 --> 00:15:50,161 Yeah! 412 00:15:52,996 --> 00:15:54,664 - (sniffs) Oh, it's Malbec. - Oh! 413 00:15:54,665 --> 00:15:57,333 Right? Rachel and I love Malbec. 414 00:15:57,334 --> 00:15:59,368 RACHEL: Yeah. 415 00:15:59,370 --> 00:16:01,612 Um, we're so glad you guys could come out, because 416 00:16:01,614 --> 00:16:04,774 we actually have a bit of an announcement to make. Honey? 417 00:16:04,775 --> 00:16:06,108 RACHEL: My lease is up at the end 418 00:16:06,109 --> 00:16:07,527 of the month, 419 00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:08,778 and Josh and I spend so much time 420 00:16:08,779 --> 00:16:10,997 together already that we figured... 421 00:16:10,998 --> 00:16:13,249 Why not get surgically conjoined? 422 00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,251 (both laugh) 423 00:16:15,252 --> 00:16:17,036 - What? - Wow. 424 00:16:17,037 --> 00:16:19,789 (laughing) Do-Doesn't that seem a little too soon 425 00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:21,624 maybe to be making that step? 426 00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:23,960 Leo and I have been together for 427 00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:27,713 four years now, and... and we still have separate bodies. 428 00:16:27,714 --> 00:16:29,015 - Oh. - Yeah. No, I know. 429 00:16:29,016 --> 00:16:30,466 That's you guys, though. 430 00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,852 I mean, each relationship moves at its own pace. 431 00:16:32,853 --> 00:16:34,687 - LEO: Uh-huh, yeah. - I believe. 432 00:16:34,688 --> 00:16:37,607 I mean, I have no doubt that you guys will get to where we're at 433 00:16:37,608 --> 00:16:38,975 one of these days, but, uh... 434 00:16:38,976 --> 00:16:41,143 - Maybe. - You know, may-maybe. 435 00:16:41,144 --> 00:16:44,313 Uh, but for us, it was, like, why wait? 436 00:16:44,314 --> 00:16:45,815 (laughs) We're soul mates. 437 00:16:45,816 --> 00:16:47,700 (laughs) Mmm. 438 00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:50,403 - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. - Mmm. Mmm. 439 00:16:50,404 --> 00:16:54,156 You make me laugh, you know just what to say 440 00:16:54,157 --> 00:16:57,243 Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh 441 00:16:57,244 --> 00:17:00,663 Know what I'm thinking without saying a thing 442 00:17:00,664 --> 00:17:04,884 Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh 443 00:17:04,885 --> 00:17:09,422 I want to be your friend, I want to be your best friend 444 00:17:09,423 --> 00:17:11,807 Oh-oh, oh-oh 445 00:17:11,808 --> 00:17:17,396 I want to be your friend, I think I'll say it again 446 00:17:17,397 --> 00:17:19,849 Oh-oh, I want to be your best friend... 447 00:17:19,850 --> 00:17:21,817 (music distorts and stops) 448 00:17:21,818 --> 00:17:24,019 (playing a melancholy tune) 449 00:17:27,357 --> 00:17:30,860 I know. I just thought it was like a dreamlike memento. Oh, my gosh, yes. 450 00:17:30,861 --> 00:17:32,828 I thought the same thing when I read it, yeah. 451 00:17:32,829 --> 00:17:36,488 - What did you think? - WOMAN: The sentence structure... 452 00:17:41,838 --> 00:17:44,039 (liquid pouring) 453 00:17:46,877 --> 00:17:49,712 (liquid continues pouring) 454 00:17:49,713 --> 00:17:53,432 (toilet flushing, Josh whispering) 455 00:17:53,433 --> 00:17:56,686 (whispering) 456 00:17:56,687 --> 00:17:59,355 - Are you ready to turn the page? - Not yet. 457 00:17:59,356 --> 00:18:01,973 Not... yet... 458 00:18:05,228 --> 00:18:07,313 I don't even know what this sentence... 459 00:18:07,314 --> 00:18:10,149 You know, it's been a while since we've... 460 00:18:10,150 --> 00:18:11,817 - What? - You know. 461 00:18:11,818 --> 00:18:13,786 Oh. Oh, yeah. 462 00:18:13,787 --> 00:18:17,657 Yeah. Uh, do... do you want to? 463 00:18:17,658 --> 00:18:19,909 I mean, if you want to, I would do that. 464 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:21,377 - Yeah, yeah, sure. - Yeah. 465 00:18:21,378 --> 00:18:22,795 - Good idea. - Okay. 466 00:18:22,796 --> 00:18:24,163 - That's a terrific idea. - Yeah. 467 00:18:24,165 --> 00:18:25,632 - All right? - Um... 468 00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:27,717 - Okay, so... - Okay. 469 00:18:27,718 --> 00:18:29,418 Can you... can you fold... folding? 470 00:18:29,419 --> 00:18:30,836 - I'm folding. - Okay, gonna fold. 471 00:18:30,837 --> 00:18:32,171 - Can... uh, folding? - Try my best. 472 00:18:32,172 --> 00:18:33,923 I'm trying to fold. 473 00:18:33,924 --> 00:18:35,925 - There we go. Okay. - Okay, can you...? 474 00:18:35,926 --> 00:18:38,511 I can't do it. Maybe if I... Maybe if I took a rib out. 475 00:18:38,512 --> 00:18:40,262 - Okay, well, you know what? - Maybe if you would've 476 00:18:40,263 --> 00:18:41,731 tried harder in yoga, we'd be more flexible. 477 00:18:41,732 --> 00:18:42,932 Are you kidding me? 478 00:18:42,933 --> 00:18:44,233 If you don't want to do this anymore, 479 00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:45,267 than you should just say something. 480 00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:48,020 - Of course I want to do this. - If you don't find us attractive anymore, 481 00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:49,488 - than you should just tell me... - I just... 482 00:18:49,489 --> 00:18:51,824 You're the one that needs the mood to be right all the time. 483 00:18:51,825 --> 00:18:53,109 Because you don't communicate with me. 484 00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:55,778 - I don't always know what you're thinking. - No, no, no, this is on you, not me. 485 00:18:55,779 --> 00:18:57,279 What happened to us? 486 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,948 It's like all we do is bicker now. 487 00:18:58,949 --> 00:19:00,416 I don't know. 488 00:19:00,417 --> 00:19:03,285 It's like there's... 489 00:19:03,286 --> 00:19:06,922 There's a distance between us. 490 00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:08,874 Yeah. 491 00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:10,593 JOSH: Yeah, that's... No, that's my mix CD. 492 00:19:10,594 --> 00:19:12,511 Yeah. 493 00:19:12,512 --> 00:19:14,797 Um, who gets the toaster? 494 00:19:14,798 --> 00:19:16,182 Oh, you can keep it. 495 00:19:16,183 --> 00:19:17,717 Yeah. Okay. 496 00:19:17,718 --> 00:19:19,018 - Well, who gets the bowels? - Ooh. 497 00:19:19,019 --> 00:19:21,520 Uh, do you mind if I hang on to those? 498 00:19:21,521 --> 00:19:24,440 I just feel like I use them way more than you do. 499 00:19:24,441 --> 00:19:27,142 Sure. Um... 500 00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:30,896 Burp! (grunts) 501 00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:34,200 Um... on three? 502 00:19:34,201 --> 00:19:36,402 Yeah. Yeah? 503 00:19:37,102 --> 00:19:39,520 BOTH: One, two, three. 504 00:19:39,522 --> 00:19:41,740 (both yelling) 505 00:19:41,741 --> 00:19:43,991 - (loud tearing, birds singing) - JOSH (echoing): Oh, God! 506 00:19:47,041 --> 00:19:50,970 Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry, dude. Splitting up always sucks, you know? 507 00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:54,814 It stings, man. Thought we were soul mates, 508 00:19:54,816 --> 00:19:58,259 but I guess we just weren't a good match for each other. 509 00:20:00,976 --> 00:20:03,251 You need to buy a drink to sit here. 510 00:20:03,253 --> 00:20:06,462 - Uh, do you guys carry any Malbecs? - Huh? 511 00:20:06,464 --> 00:20:07,650 Fair enough. 512 00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:09,525 Uh, yeah. Uh, two... two beers, please. 513 00:20:12,651 --> 00:20:13,951 Thank you. 514 00:20:13,953 --> 00:20:17,086 - Missed you, brother. - Missed you too, Mike. 515 00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:23,814 I wanna be your best friend 516 00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:31,462 Your best friend 517 00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:35,193 Sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 518 00:20:35,243 --> 00:20:39,793 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35966

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