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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:02,636
Hey, I'm Josh. And this is, uh... Carla?
2
00:00:02,637 --> 00:00:03,838
- Kayla.
- Right.
3
00:00:03,839 --> 00:00:05,705
- This is Kayla.
- Hi.
4
00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,138
Hey, man, this is, uh, my friend Kayla.
5
00:00:07,139 --> 00:00:08,574
- Hey.
- Hey.
6
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:11,078
And this is my plus one, Kayla.
7
00:00:11,079 --> 00:00:12,778
Hey.
8
00:00:12,779 --> 00:00:15,353
- This is my date, Kayla.
- Hi.
9
00:00:15,354 --> 00:00:17,223
(whispers): This is Kayla.
10
00:00:18,424 --> 00:00:19,958
Oh. Hi. Uh, Mom,
11
00:00:19,959 --> 00:00:22,163
this is the woman I came with, um, Kayla.
12
00:00:22,164 --> 00:00:23,365
- Hi.
- Hi.
13
00:00:23,366 --> 00:00:25,366
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
14
00:00:25,367 --> 00:00:27,535
Uh, this is my girlfriend Kayla.
15
00:00:27,536 --> 00:00:29,271
So, "girlfriend," huh?
16
00:00:29,272 --> 00:00:31,343
Well, uh, sorry?
17
00:00:31,344 --> 00:00:33,348
Well, I just, I noticed back there
18
00:00:33,349 --> 00:00:35,516
you introduced me as your girlfriend.
19
00:00:35,517 --> 00:00:36,551
(laughs): Oh.
20
00:00:36,552 --> 00:00:38,453
Yeah, so I did.
21
00:00:38,454 --> 00:00:40,857
Uh... is that okay?
22
00:00:40,858 --> 00:00:42,595
- Yeah. I like it.
- Really?
23
00:00:42,596 --> 00:00:43,796
I like it, too.
24
00:00:43,797 --> 00:00:45,062
I-I just, I...
25
00:00:45,063 --> 00:00:46,997
I don't know, I feel like...
26
00:00:46,998 --> 00:00:49,435
there's kind of something here, and...
27
00:00:49,436 --> 00:00:51,172
maybe we should, like,
28
00:00:51,173 --> 00:00:52,639
- go for it.
- Well, are you sure
29
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,142
you're not gonna miss...
30
00:00:54,143 --> 00:00:56,079
(deep voice): the single life? (laughs)
31
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,749
No. No, no. No, not at all. No.
32
00:00:57,750 --> 00:00:59,254
(laughs) Um...
33
00:00:59,255 --> 00:01:01,288
so I don't know, I guess we're, like,
34
00:01:01,289 --> 00:01:02,889
official now, huh?
35
00:01:02,890 --> 00:01:04,758
Yeah, yeah. From-from this day forward,
36
00:01:04,759 --> 00:01:06,161
we are officially, uh,
37
00:01:06,162 --> 00:01:07,798
boyfriend and girlfriend.
38
00:01:07,799 --> 00:01:10,670
- Yeah. (laughs)
- (laughs): Yeah! Yeah.
39
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:13,036
Okay, coming in, coming in hot.
40
00:01:13,037 --> 00:01:14,204
(chuckles)
41
00:01:14,205 --> 00:01:15,439
Mmm...
42
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,081
Yeah. That's, uh...
43
00:01:20,082 --> 00:01:21,750
What...
44
00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:23,320
Uh, Kayla?
45
00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:25,786
Kayla?
46
00:01:25,787 --> 00:01:27,554
Uh... oh, my God,
47
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,457
she's having a stroke. Hey, Kayla?
48
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,861
(squishing)
49
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,063
Ew.
50
00:01:36,064 --> 00:01:37,798
Oh, man. Oh, man. Kayla?
51
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,634
Kayla! Kayla...!
52
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,306
(eerie, rhythmic whooshing)
53
00:01:49,913 --> 00:01:51,679
Who are you guys?
54
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:55,019
We are sex aliens from the planet Sex.
55
00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:56,720
We have come to have sex with you.
56
00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:59,250
Prepare yourself for sex.
57
00:02:07,062 --> 00:02:10,070
Man Seeking Woman - 01x06
Gavel
58
00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:17,484
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
59
00:02:34,956 --> 00:02:36,360
Hey, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop.
60
00:02:36,361 --> 00:02:38,026
Just-just stop.
61
00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,295
- What's wrong?
- What's wrong?
62
00:02:39,296 --> 00:02:42,434
Well, I kind of just
started seeing someone.
63
00:02:42,435 --> 00:02:43,436
Who? Her?
64
00:02:43,437 --> 00:02:44,404
JOSH: Y-Yes, her.
65
00:02:44,405 --> 00:02:45,639
Listen, if you guys
66
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,607
had shown up literally...
67
00:02:47,608 --> 00:02:48,942
yesterday...
68
00:02:48,943 --> 00:02:50,410
okay, yesterday...
69
00:02:50,411 --> 00:02:51,811
I'd be all over this.
70
00:02:51,812 --> 00:02:53,447
But I-I am... I am...
71
00:02:53,448 --> 00:02:54,615
Whoa, mama...
72
00:02:54,616 --> 00:02:55,883
I am not the kind
73
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,418
- of guy that cheats.
- Please,
74
00:02:57,419 --> 00:02:58,953
- come have sex with us.
- No. No.
75
00:02:58,954 --> 00:03:00,387
Condom-less sex.
76
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,955
- Oh, my God. No...
- Please?
77
00:03:01,956 --> 00:03:03,689
No, I can't. Girls, I can't. Back off.
78
00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:05,457
(aliens hissing) JOSH: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
79
00:03:05,458 --> 00:03:07,761
I'm sorry, okay?
I care... I care about this.
80
00:03:07,762 --> 00:03:08,630
Okay? We can't help it.
81
00:03:08,631 --> 00:03:11,833
We find you irresistible.
82
00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,399
You... I can't believe you guys
think I'm handsome.
83
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,301
We don't. We are blind.
84
00:03:16,302 --> 00:03:17,403
Ah. Our noses, though,
85
00:03:17,404 --> 00:03:19,573
are extremely well developed.
86
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,406
We've evolved to smell confidence.
87
00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:22,805
And there's no one more confident
88
00:03:22,806 --> 00:03:25,940
than a man in a committed relationship.
89
00:03:25,941 --> 00:03:27,777
He gives off a powerful musk.
90
00:03:27,778 --> 00:03:28,879
Oh...
91
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,745
Please have sex with us.
92
00:03:30,746 --> 00:03:32,045
Please. It can be quick.
93
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:34,748
Quick is actually what we prefer.
94
00:03:34,749 --> 00:03:36,483
- Really?
- On our planet,
95
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,749
premature ejaculation is the sexual ideal.
96
00:03:38,750 --> 00:03:39,751
Holy...
97
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:40,886
Okay, ah, buh-buh-buh!
98
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,287
Back off! Back! (hissing)
99
00:03:43,588 --> 00:03:45,954
(aliens speaking alien language)
100
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:50,189
(sputters)
101
00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:54,159
Okay, we respect your decision
not to cheat on Kayla.
102
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:55,493
So how about this?
103
00:03:55,494 --> 00:03:57,229
Let's smoke this space joint.
104
00:03:57,230 --> 00:03:59,600
Watch a movie. And just kind of hang out.
105
00:03:59,601 --> 00:04:00,802
JOSH: Wait, uh...
106
00:04:00,803 --> 00:04:02,002
which movie?
107
00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:03,102
Showgirls.
108
00:04:03,103 --> 00:04:04,371
Unrated version.
109
00:04:04,372 --> 00:04:06,707
Aha...! Okay,
110
00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:08,742
okay, I see what you're do... yeah, listen,
111
00:04:08,743 --> 00:04:10,012
I'm not a piece of meat.
112
00:04:10,013 --> 00:04:12,114
I'm a man... with feelings and...
113
00:04:12,115 --> 00:04:15,281
and a girlfriend, so, tell you
what, I think you should all
114
00:04:15,282 --> 00:04:17,919
just take your, uh...
(sniffs) oh, that's amazing...
115
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,222
You guys need to take your-your space bras
116
00:04:20,223 --> 00:04:21,757
and get back up to space.
117
00:04:21,758 --> 00:04:23,259
Okay? Okay, fine,
118
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:24,827
we'll leave.
119
00:04:24,828 --> 00:04:27,030
But we'll rub one out to you later.
120
00:04:27,031 --> 00:04:28,399
(inhaling)
121
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,432
Holy shit.
122
00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:33,568
(electronic whirring)
123
00:04:35,206 --> 00:04:37,408
(whispers): Oh, God.
124
00:04:39,510 --> 00:04:40,876
Mmm.
125
00:04:40,877 --> 00:04:43,511
- I'm so happy.
- Yes.
126
00:04:43,512 --> 00:04:45,146
Me, too.
127
00:04:45,147 --> 00:04:46,581
- Mmm...
- Me, too.
128
00:04:48,351 --> 00:04:49,184
Mmm...
129
00:04:50,131 --> 00:04:53,632
So, okay, these girls are all up
in your nuts... and then what?
130
00:04:53,634 --> 00:04:55,771
Well, then I look them
in the eyes and I said...
131
00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:57,304
thank you very much... I said, "Listen,
132
00:04:57,305 --> 00:04:58,740
"I appreciate it,
it's very, very flattering,
133
00:04:58,741 --> 00:05:01,078
but I-I-I-I-I... I can't
cheat on my girlfriend."
134
00:05:01,079 --> 00:05:03,483
(laughing)
135
00:05:03,484 --> 00:05:05,818
- Oh, you're being serious.
- Yes.
136
00:05:05,819 --> 00:05:07,655
Wh-Wh-What has happened to you?
137
00:05:07,656 --> 00:05:09,756
What is happening is that
for the first time since Maggie,
138
00:05:09,757 --> 00:05:12,324
I found a girl that I actually
like hanging out with.
139
00:05:12,325 --> 00:05:13,626
(phone chimes) Oh.
140
00:05:13,627 --> 00:05:15,261
- Oh, I-I got to go.
- What? I thought
141
00:05:15,262 --> 00:05:17,096
we were gonna get high and look at bugs.
142
00:05:17,097 --> 00:05:19,964
No, I kind of have a bit of a
plan to surprise Kayla at work.
143
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:21,600
You bought her chocolates.
144
00:05:21,601 --> 00:05:23,636
- Salt-encrusted.
- Josh, if you're not careful,
145
00:05:23,637 --> 00:05:25,940
you're gonna end up married to this girl.
146
00:05:25,941 --> 00:05:27,510
- We-we just started going out.
- Does she keep
147
00:05:27,511 --> 00:05:28,878
any stuff at your apartment?
148
00:05:28,879 --> 00:05:31,214
Uh, no. Uh... Don't you lie to me.
149
00:05:31,215 --> 00:05:32,982
- Don't lie to me!
- Okay, work-work clothes
150
00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:35,452
and... almond milk.
151
00:05:35,453 --> 00:05:37,487
Oh. Oh, my God.
152
00:05:37,488 --> 00:05:38,988
Listen, everything's golden.
153
00:05:38,989 --> 00:05:40,258
Okay?
154
00:05:40,259 --> 00:05:42,363
I know what I'm doing.
155
00:05:42,364 --> 00:05:44,197
156
00:05:49,738 --> 00:05:53,511
- My plant's broke.
- Aw, he'll be okay.
157
00:05:53,512 --> 00:05:55,780
He just needs a little more
water and some sunshine.
158
00:05:55,781 --> 00:05:58,215
- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.
159
00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:01,620
-
Are you ready for some chocolate?
- (laughs)
160
00:06:01,621 --> 00:06:03,954
- How's it going?
- Josh! What are you doing here?
161
00:06:03,955 --> 00:06:07,123
Oh, you know, I just thought,
uh, you could maybe use a, uh,
162
00:06:07,124 --> 00:06:08,893
a little mid-afternoon pick-me-up.
163
00:06:08,894 --> 00:06:11,426
Oh, my God, you are so sweet.
164
00:06:11,427 --> 00:06:13,561
Oh, I do what I can. Also, would you like
165
00:06:13,562 --> 00:06:14,962
to have dinner with me tonight?
166
00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:16,534
- I'd love that.
- I was thinking
167
00:06:16,535 --> 00:06:19,135
we could do quinoa and maybe whatever else
168
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:21,905
Mm-hmm. goes with quinoa and...
mm-hmm... mm!
169
00:06:21,906 --> 00:06:23,541
170
00:06:23,542 --> 00:06:25,009
(sighs)
171
00:06:27,411 --> 00:06:28,479
Uh...
172
00:06:33,954 --> 00:06:35,952
Where-where-where are they taking us?
173
00:06:35,953 --> 00:06:37,019
Hell if I know.
174
00:06:37,020 --> 00:06:38,384
MIKE: Listen up, punks!
175
00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:40,654
You're all here for the same reason!
176
00:06:40,655 --> 00:06:42,621
You're not married! Yet!
177
00:06:42,622 --> 00:06:45,261
But if you continue
down the road that you're on,
178
00:06:45,262 --> 00:06:48,862
you continue to make the kinds
of choices you've been making,
179
00:06:48,863 --> 00:06:50,396
you're gonna end up...
180
00:06:50,397 --> 00:06:52,364
(loud, distorted): in the suburbs.
181
00:06:53,865 --> 00:06:55,766
MIKE: Take a good look, ladies.
182
00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:57,799
This is where you're headed!
183
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,172
See any sports bars or clubs
or sexy single ladies?
184
00:07:01,173 --> 00:07:03,075
JOSH: Ew... (woman laughing)
185
00:07:03,076 --> 00:07:04,242
Hey, Mike?
186
00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:06,179
I-I don't have time for this.
187
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,184
I got to go home
and cook dinner for Kayla, so...
188
00:07:08,185 --> 00:07:12,088
Don't you get it? I'm doing this for you.
189
00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:13,689
MAN: Ooh! What the hell
is that guy carrying?
190
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,394
MIKE: It's a Diaper Genie.
191
00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:17,127
It's full of human shit.
192
00:07:17,128 --> 00:07:18,929
(others groaning) MAN: Oh, God!
193
00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:20,398
Oh, my... oh...
194
00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:23,204
Welcome to hell, boys!
195
00:07:23,205 --> 00:07:24,506
Let's go. Now. Out.
196
00:07:24,507 --> 00:07:26,742
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
197
00:07:26,743 --> 00:07:28,982
This looks like a nice street.
198
00:07:28,983 --> 00:07:30,750
Got three-car garages and speed bumps...
199
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,723
Oh, hey, look at that guy
grilling hamburgers!
200
00:07:33,724 --> 00:07:35,260
Do those look like burgers to you?
201
00:07:35,261 --> 00:07:36,996
JOSH: What the hell is on that grill?
202
00:07:36,997 --> 00:07:38,930
MIKE: Portobello mushrooms.
203
00:07:38,931 --> 00:07:40,698
Yeah, Portobello mushrooms
204
00:07:40,699 --> 00:07:42,502
would be pretty good with quinoa.
205
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,340
MIKE: Okay!
206
00:07:44,341 --> 00:07:46,746
It's time to introduce you
to a special speaker.
207
00:07:46,747 --> 00:07:48,416
His name is Daniel Schultz
208
00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:50,985
and he's been married for 11 years.
209
00:07:50,986 --> 00:07:54,185
I suggest you listen carefully
to what he has to say.
210
00:07:54,186 --> 00:07:56,319
I brought you some fresh meat.
211
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,724
(sighs): Hi, guys. My name is Daniel.
212
00:07:58,725 --> 00:08:01,224
I'm 39 years old,
and I'm serving a life sentence
213
00:08:01,225 --> 00:08:04,427
to my wife, without
the possibility of parole.
214
00:08:04,428 --> 00:08:05,895
(quiet, melancholy music plays)
215
00:08:05,896 --> 00:08:08,864
You know, when I met Amy, she was fun!
216
00:08:08,865 --> 00:08:12,099
She... chugged beer faster than me.
217
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,704
(wry chuckle): She loved cocaine.
218
00:08:14,705 --> 00:08:17,238
Do it whenever it was around.
219
00:08:17,239 --> 00:08:18,872
A month ago,
220
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,672
she caught me smoking
a cigarette right there
221
00:08:20,673 --> 00:08:23,344
on the porch, and she started to cry.
222
00:08:23,345 --> 00:08:25,380
She made me promise
223
00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:28,383
to start taking my health more seriously.
224
00:08:28,384 --> 00:08:32,289
Yeah. So I started doing Pilates.
225
00:08:32,925 --> 00:08:36,094
I do this thing, and then I do this thing!
226
00:08:36,095 --> 00:08:39,795
I got my Lululemons pulled up to here!
227
00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:42,162
With my useless penis
228
00:08:42,163 --> 00:08:44,397
sittin' in the middle,
looking like a little b...
229
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,198
How are you?
230
00:08:47,199 --> 00:08:49,100
How's it going?
231
00:08:49,101 --> 00:08:51,069
Did you call Deb about that thing?
232
00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:52,436
Next on my list.
233
00:08:52,437 --> 00:08:53,803
Next thing on my list.
234
00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:55,338
'Kay.
235
00:08:55,339 --> 00:08:56,372
Yeah.
236
00:08:58,707 --> 00:09:01,609
(phone chimes)
237
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:03,345
What the hell is that?
238
00:09:03,346 --> 00:09:05,613
- Sounded like a text.
- Oh, yeah,
239
00:09:05,614 --> 00:09:06,681
- you got a text?
- Yeah.
240
00:09:06,682 --> 00:09:08,352
Let's see what it says.
241
00:09:08,353 --> 00:09:09,554
"Five...
242
00:09:09,555 --> 00:09:11,191
"five little kisses
243
00:09:11,192 --> 00:09:13,626
- for your cute little baby face."
- Five kisses?
244
00:09:13,627 --> 00:09:17,366
Oh, 'cause we got eight...
eight guys here. I don't know
245
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,433
if that's enough kisses for everyone.
246
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,502
Who's gonna suck my dick?
247
00:09:21,503 --> 00:09:24,205
- U-Understood.
- MIKE: He's the one I was telling you about.
248
00:09:24,206 --> 00:09:27,004
He's only 27, and already
in a serious relationship.
249
00:09:27,005 --> 00:09:29,239
No, we just kind of
started seeing each other, so...
250
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,841
Oh, first you're just going out,
251
00:09:30,842 --> 00:09:32,909
then all of a sudden she's got almond milk
252
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,475
and work clothes at your place.
253
00:09:34,476 --> 00:09:36,777
Next thing you know, (shouts): ding-dong,
254
00:09:36,778 --> 00:09:38,945
ding-dong, you're married, you're pregnant,
255
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,813
gravestone.
256
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,181
(dramatic music plays)
257
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:44,750
Listen, I mean, you're a great girl.
258
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,452
I just, I don't think it's working out.
259
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,652
It's not you... I mean,
everything's so crazy
260
00:09:48,653 --> 00:09:50,452
- with my band right now...
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
261
00:09:50,453 --> 00:09:54,057
I-I mean, maybe we can try,
like, an open relationship.
262
00:09:54,058 --> 00:09:55,725
Uh... Becca?
263
00:09:55,726 --> 00:09:57,359
You there?
264
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,095
JOSH: Uh, hi, Kayla. So, I've been doing
265
00:09:59,096 --> 00:10:01,665
a lot of thinking about, uh, us,
266
00:10:01,666 --> 00:10:05,636
and I just needed to say that...
267
00:10:05,637 --> 00:10:07,738
I like you a lot...
268
00:10:07,739 --> 00:10:10,506
and also, what do you think
about Portobello mushrooms
269
00:10:10,507 --> 00:10:12,340
for dinner? They do go with quinoa!
270
00:10:12,341 --> 00:10:14,840
Exactly what I was thinking. So eight-ish?
271
00:10:14,841 --> 00:10:17,478
(hoarsely): We lost him.
272
00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:26,989
(gasps) Quinoa.
273
00:10:28,291 --> 00:10:29,689
Quinoa.
274
00:10:29,690 --> 00:10:31,389
(thunder crashes in distance)
275
00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:32,691
(sizzling)
276
00:10:32,692 --> 00:10:34,696
(knocking on door)
277
00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:39,598
M... M-Maggie.
278
00:10:39,599 --> 00:10:41,098
Hey.
279
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:43,398
I'm sorry for barging in like this.
280
00:10:43,399 --> 00:10:44,999
I just, um...
281
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,502
I really need a friend right now.
282
00:10:47,503 --> 00:10:50,939
- Can I come in?
- Well, yeah. Of course. Yeah. C-Come on in.
283
00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:53,876
- Thanks. (crying)
- Whoa. Whoa.
284
00:10:53,877 --> 00:10:54,912
(Maggie crying)
285
00:10:54,913 --> 00:10:56,981
(thunder crashes, rumbles)
286
00:10:56,982 --> 00:10:58,949
Hi. Hi, uh, Kayla. I think... I think...
287
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:01,884
I think I need to postpone.
Um, I'm feeling kind of tired,
288
00:11:01,885 --> 00:11:03,518
all of a sudden, like I...
289
00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:05,287
like I might be coming down with something.
290
00:11:05,288 --> 00:11:07,155
You don't have to cook, if it's a hassle.
291
00:11:07,156 --> 00:11:09,554
We could just do takeout. Y...
292
00:11:09,555 --> 00:11:12,553
W-Would it be okay if we just try tomorrow?
293
00:11:12,554 --> 00:11:15,658
Yeah. Get some rest,
and I'll see you tomorrow.
294
00:11:15,659 --> 00:11:17,827
Okay. Thank you so much.
That's-that's lovely.
295
00:11:17,828 --> 00:11:19,428
I'll see you... I'll see you then.
296
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:20,829
(toilet flushes)
297
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:22,830
and I told him,
"If you don't appreciate me,
298
00:11:22,831 --> 00:11:24,932
I don't think I can do this anymore."
299
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:27,833
Wh-Which... I mean, I think you
did the right thing. Yeah.
300
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:30,236
- Yeah?
- It's none of my business,
301
00:11:30,237 --> 00:11:32,974
but you don't deserve to
be treated like that.
302
00:11:32,975 --> 00:11:34,443
I don't.
303
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,843
I'm sorry. I'm sorry
304
00:11:36,844 --> 00:11:39,278
for unloading on you like this. I just...
305
00:11:39,279 --> 00:11:41,746
You know, nobody knows me
like you do, so...
306
00:11:41,747 --> 00:11:43,682
(thunder rumbling)
307
00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:46,652
(sizzling) Are you cooking something?
308
00:11:46,653 --> 00:11:49,052
- Oh, crap. Yes, I am, too.
- Really?
309
00:11:49,053 --> 00:11:52,220
That would be... You're
smelling portobello mushrooms,
310
00:11:52,221 --> 00:11:54,290
uh, and quinoa.
311
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:57,224
Really! Well, I'm full of surprises.
Would you...
312
00:11:57,225 --> 00:11:58,558
would you like some?
313
00:11:58,559 --> 00:11:59,960
Um... can I?
314
00:11:59,961 --> 00:12:02,163
- Yeah. Yeah. Is...
- Yeah?
315
00:12:02,164 --> 00:12:05,499
No, there's enough, uh...
there's enough for two people.
316
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,301
(chuckling): Yes.
317
00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:09,735
(gavel banging) Okay, just...
318
00:12:09,736 --> 00:12:12,203
- uh, will you just give me a few moments?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
319
00:12:12,204 --> 00:12:14,270
I need to...
320
00:12:14,271 --> 00:12:16,340
(sighs)
321
00:12:16,341 --> 00:12:19,839
(thunder rumbling)
322
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,907
They're ready for you inside,
Mr. Greenberg.
323
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,009
Okay.
324
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:27,141
Mr. Greenberg, you stand accused
of boyfriend misconduct.
325
00:12:27,142 --> 00:12:29,843
- How do you plead?
- Not-not guilty,
326
00:12:29,844 --> 00:12:30,743
Your Honor. (gasping)
327
00:12:30,744 --> 00:12:32,908
The fact is, all right,
328
00:12:32,909 --> 00:12:34,274
I postponed dinner with Kayla.
329
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,840
But, uh, where's the crime in that?
330
00:12:35,841 --> 00:12:38,509
Does a boyfriend not have the right to...
331
00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:41,280
- rearrange a date?
- Son, that's not
332
00:12:41,281 --> 00:12:43,347
what's at issue here. You are here today
333
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:45,685
because you lied to her.
334
00:12:45,686 --> 00:12:46,955
Up, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!
335
00:12:46,956 --> 00:12:49,224
Webster's Dictionary,
336
00:12:49,225 --> 00:12:51,192
which I'm sure you're familiar with...
337
00:12:51,193 --> 00:12:53,896
I'm sure all these good
people, familiar with it...
338
00:12:53,897 --> 00:12:57,868
defines a lie thusly,
as a falsehood, an untruth.
339
00:12:57,869 --> 00:13:00,403
All I did was kind of alter plans.
340
00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:04,774
- No lies were uttered.
- Thank you for the vocabulary lesson, Mr. Greenberg.
341
00:13:04,775 --> 00:13:06,675
What about when you said... and I quote...
342
00:13:06,676 --> 00:13:08,677
"I am feeling kind of tired."
343
00:13:09,846 --> 00:13:12,013
- I was feeling kind of tired.
- Maybe.
344
00:13:12,014 --> 00:13:13,380
But that's not why you canceled dinner.
345
00:13:13,381 --> 00:13:15,514
You canceled because
your ex-girlfriend showed up...
346
00:13:15,515 --> 00:13:16,647
Well, now, listen, Your Honor,
347
00:13:16,648 --> 00:13:18,382
we-we can split hairs all day,
348
00:13:18,383 --> 00:13:20,115
jibber-jabber back and forth
349
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:22,719
until we're as mixed up as a...
350
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,286
as a one-legged man at a hoedown!
351
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:25,718
(laughter)
352
00:13:25,719 --> 00:13:27,483
- Why is that funny?
- But the fact is
353
00:13:27,484 --> 00:13:29,048
I have committed no offense,
354
00:13:29,049 --> 00:13:32,046
and I defy this court to prove otherwise.
355
00:13:33,922 --> 00:13:36,857
Aw, screw it. All right,
the court finds in Josh's favor.
356
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,392
I knew it! Thank you...
357
00:13:39,393 --> 00:13:41,060
Do not give him high fives. Do not!
358
00:13:42,596 --> 00:13:45,465
Indicate high fives. Multiple.
359
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:47,167
And then that guy was all like, Mm-hmm.
360
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:49,234
"Uh, reservation? What reservation?"
361
00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:52,269
(laughs) So creepy. Yeah... yeah. So scary.
362
00:13:52,270 --> 00:13:54,607
- Remember how gross that pool was?
- Oh, my God.
363
00:13:54,608 --> 00:13:57,008
Somehow didn't dissuade
the-the two of us dumb-asses
364
00:13:57,009 --> 00:13:59,209
- from swimming in it.
- (laughs)
365
00:13:59,210 --> 00:14:00,746
Not just swimming in it.
366
00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:07,154
(gavel banging) I'll... be right back.
367
00:14:07,155 --> 00:14:09,326
I mean, how many times are we
gonna do this? Your Honor...
368
00:14:09,327 --> 00:14:12,398
- I am completely innocent.
- Oh, please. She referenced sex
369
00:14:12,399 --> 00:14:14,367
- and then she touched you on the hand.
- Oh.
370
00:14:14,368 --> 00:14:16,000
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't... (stammers)
371
00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:17,568
Are friends not allowed
to touch each other's hands?
372
00:14:17,569 --> 00:14:19,137
I didn't realize that.
373
00:14:19,138 --> 00:14:21,673
Of course they are. Wh-What's next?
374
00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:24,472
No more high fives? A ban on
fist bumps, perhaps, eh?
375
00:14:24,473 --> 00:14:27,076
(laughter) All right. What about the wine?
376
00:14:27,077 --> 00:14:28,245
- Explain that.
- Aha!
377
00:14:28,246 --> 00:14:30,547
Webster's Dictionary
378
00:14:30,548 --> 00:14:34,714
defines wine as "the fermented
juice of grapes used especially
379
00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:37,820
- as a bev..." I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean explain wine.
380
00:14:37,821 --> 00:14:40,423
We know what wine is. (groans)
381
00:14:40,424 --> 00:14:42,125
There's a precedent
for grown-ups sharing a bottle
382
00:14:42,126 --> 00:14:43,561
- of wine at dinner.
- Oh, really?
383
00:14:43,562 --> 00:14:44,962
- Mm-hmm.
- But when's the last time
384
00:14:44,963 --> 00:14:46,729
that you and Mike shared a bottle of wine?
385
00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:50,201
Shared a bottle of wine
and touched each other's hands?
386
00:14:50,202 --> 00:14:52,803
Listen, we-we can... we
can jibber-jabber all day,
387
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:54,537
back and forth Jibber-jabber a second time.
388
00:14:54,538 --> 00:14:56,841
Until we're as... mixed up as a-a...
389
00:14:56,842 --> 00:14:58,810
three-legged horse at a rodeo.
390
00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:01,646
(woman chuckles, man coughs)
391
00:15:01,647 --> 00:15:02,647
One lady.
392
00:15:02,648 --> 00:15:04,115
Thank you, ma'am.
393
00:15:04,116 --> 00:15:06,720
Uh, but the-the fact remains,
394
00:15:06,721 --> 00:15:09,024
I have done nothing wrong.
395
00:15:09,025 --> 00:15:10,960
(sighs) Goddamn it.
396
00:15:10,961 --> 00:15:13,296
All right, my hands are tied.
397
00:15:13,297 --> 00:15:14,898
Due to a lack of hard evidence,
398
00:15:14,899 --> 00:15:17,368
this court is forced to rule
in Josh's favor.
399
00:15:17,369 --> 00:15:19,703
No one high-five him.
400
00:15:19,704 --> 00:15:21,504
- Thank you. She did.
- JUDGE: Oh...
401
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:22,438
(annoyed): Susan...
402
00:15:22,439 --> 00:15:24,477
(yawning)
403
00:15:24,478 --> 00:15:26,146
- Hey.
- Oh.
404
00:15:26,147 --> 00:15:28,182
I am so tired.
405
00:15:28,183 --> 00:15:30,084
Yeah.
406
00:15:30,085 --> 00:15:32,516
Oh. Yeah, I guess... I guess it's late.
407
00:15:32,517 --> 00:15:34,017
It is late.
408
00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:35,754
I should probably go.
409
00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:41,526
Or-or-or...
410
00:15:41,527 --> 00:15:44,695
or... we-we, uh...
411
00:15:44,696 --> 00:15:47,198
could watch something.
412
00:15:47,199 --> 00:15:48,665
Like what?
413
00:15:48,666 --> 00:15:51,268
We never finished Carniv?le.
414
00:15:51,269 --> 00:15:52,068
(gavel banging)
415
00:15:52,069 --> 00:15:53,904
I know, I know.
416
00:15:53,905 --> 00:15:56,241
People watch shows together
all the time, man.
417
00:15:56,242 --> 00:15:58,976
But come on, man... I mean,
she was about to leave.
418
00:15:58,977 --> 00:16:01,243
She was out the door, and you suggested
something that would keep her there.
419
00:16:01,244 --> 00:16:03,246
That's, for me, when it became a date.
420
00:16:03,247 --> 00:16:05,549
A-a date? Specifically a date?
421
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:06,817
- Yes.
- Because...
422
00:16:06,818 --> 00:16:08,084
the dictionary might disagree.
423
00:16:08,085 --> 00:16:09,017
(Groaning) Oh, God, the dictionary...!
424
00:16:09,018 --> 00:16:11,252
Oh, fuck you off.
425
00:16:11,253 --> 00:16:14,927
Webster's defines a date
as a romantic outing, okay?
426
00:16:14,928 --> 00:16:17,796
- So did we go... did we go out?
- No. No. No.
427
00:16:17,797 --> 00:16:20,032
Did we kiss? Maybe not. But,
come on, you're on the couch,
428
00:16:20,033 --> 00:16:22,202
- you're watching Carniv?le.
- Listen,
429
00:16:22,203 --> 00:16:24,373
- I am not the kind of guy who cheats.
- Well...
430
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:27,177
The point is we can
jibber-jabber back and forth...
431
00:16:27,178 --> 00:16:28,677
Okay? Until we're
Jibber-jabber a third time.
432
00:16:28,678 --> 00:16:30,647
As mixed up as a-a...
433
00:16:30,648 --> 00:16:32,652
Here it comes... two-horned!
434
00:16:32,653 --> 00:16:35,223
- As a two-horned, uh...
- Asian.
435
00:16:35,224 --> 00:16:37,457
- Asian, um...
- Careful.
436
00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:39,625
- You son of a bitch. Okay.
- Trapped.
437
00:16:39,626 --> 00:16:41,162
All right. I used to be a prosecutor.
438
00:16:41,163 --> 00:16:43,466
The point is what I'm trying to say is
439
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:47,068
technically...
I haven't done anything wrong.
440
00:16:47,069 --> 00:16:49,304
- Well, technically, no, you haven't.
- Aha!
441
00:16:49,305 --> 00:16:50,740
Technically, no, I haven't.
442
00:16:50,741 --> 00:16:52,041
You said technically I
haven't done anything wrong.
443
00:16:52,042 --> 00:16:54,443
That means... that means I win.
444
00:16:56,678 --> 00:16:59,845
Remember this day.
445
00:16:59,846 --> 00:17:02,778
The day that blind Lady Justice
446
00:17:02,779 --> 00:17:04,547
took her own life.
447
00:17:06,016 --> 00:17:07,717
It is with great shame
448
00:17:07,718 --> 00:17:10,485
and utter disgust...
449
00:17:10,486 --> 00:17:13,623
that this court is forced
to rule in Josh's favor.
450
00:17:13,624 --> 00:17:15,558
Thanks, man.
451
00:17:15,559 --> 00:17:17,060
"Thanks, man"?
452
00:17:17,061 --> 00:17:19,061
Don't type that. What are...
453
00:17:19,062 --> 00:17:21,394
Goddamn it.
454
00:17:21,395 --> 00:17:23,866
MAN: The moment you put on that
red nose and threw in your lot
455
00:17:23,867 --> 00:17:25,635
with the strongman and the dog boy...
456
00:17:25,636 --> 00:17:28,939
Yeah. It's a pretty good...
pretty good episode
457
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:30,807
of Carniv?le.
458
00:17:30,808 --> 00:17:33,009
MAN: You cannot stop the cyclone's swirl
459
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:36,046
or the dog boy's dog boy dance.
460
00:17:36,047 --> 00:17:39,113
- The great orb spins despite.
- Um...
461
00:17:39,114 --> 00:17:43,287
the will of man, and now the
dust has settled on the choices
462
00:17:43,288 --> 00:17:44,886
thou hath wrought.
463
00:17:44,887 --> 00:17:47,823
For this is no carnival, my friend.
464
00:17:47,824 --> 00:17:49,794
This is Carniv?le! (gavel banging)
465
00:17:50,797 --> 00:17:51,762
(gavel continues banging)
466
00:17:55,933 --> 00:17:58,402
We're ready.
467
00:17:58,403 --> 00:17:59,937
Josh?
468
00:18:01,472 --> 00:18:02,772
Think he went to the bedroom with her?
469
00:18:02,773 --> 00:18:04,775
Oh... Told you!
470
00:18:11,004 --> 00:18:13,237
(phone buzzing)
471
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:17,511
(quietly): Hi. Hi.
472
00:18:17,512 --> 00:18:21,084
- Hi. How are you feeling?
- Uh, uh, uh, better.
473
00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:24,522
Good. Good. And so do you want
to do dinner tonight?
474
00:18:24,523 --> 00:18:27,793
Uh... Listen, you're a terrific girl
475
00:18:27,794 --> 00:18:30,060
and I really, uh, enjoy your
company and I'm really sorry
476
00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:32,294
about this, but I don't think
we can keep hanging out.
477
00:18:32,295 --> 00:18:36,634
So we should probably not have dinner.
478
00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:40,336
- This is abrupt.
- Yeah. Yep.
479
00:18:40,337 --> 00:18:43,444
I know. I'm sorry.
480
00:18:43,445 --> 00:18:46,314
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye-bye.
481
00:18:46,315 --> 00:18:48,349
(sighs heavily)
482
00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:50,453
Frittatas.
483
00:18:50,454 --> 00:18:52,122
484
00:18:55,726 --> 00:18:57,629
(sizzling)
485
00:19:05,838 --> 00:19:08,239
Hey...
486
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,374
Hey.
487
00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:11,743
- I'm so hungover.
- Oh, okay.
488
00:19:11,744 --> 00:19:13,578
Well, tell you what, your best, uh, remedy
489
00:19:13,579 --> 00:19:16,547
- is my delicious frittatas.
- Mm-mm. Josh...
490
00:19:16,548 --> 00:19:18,016
last night was a mistake.
491
00:19:20,954 --> 00:19:24,186
Um...
492
00:19:24,187 --> 00:19:26,788
- (stammers) Okay.
- Let's just pretend
493
00:19:26,789 --> 00:19:28,658
- like it never happened, okay?
- Okay, so...
494
00:19:28,659 --> 00:19:30,492
Um, yeah.
495
00:19:32,194 --> 00:19:34,862
We-we finished Carniv?le last night.
496
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:36,830
Hmm?
497
00:19:36,831 --> 00:19:39,665
We finally finished the last two
episodes of Carniv?le.
498
00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:41,702
I don't remember.
499
00:19:41,703 --> 00:19:44,107
Oh. What...
500
00:19:44,108 --> 00:19:45,475
what are you... What is that?
501
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,342
Uh, no, I was trying to shake your hand.
502
00:19:48,343 --> 00:19:51,111
Okay.
503
00:19:51,112 --> 00:19:52,679
- Bye.
- Okay.
504
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,916
Uh, wuh, uh...
505
00:19:56,887 --> 00:19:58,289
(door opens)
506
00:19:58,290 --> 00:20:00,426
(door shuts)
507
00:20:00,427 --> 00:20:02,626
(sighs)
508
00:20:02,627 --> 00:20:04,863
(knocking on door)
509
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,136
I just came to get my things.
510
00:20:09,137 --> 00:20:12,074
- I saw Maggie on the stairs.
- Uh...
511
00:20:12,075 --> 00:20:14,474
I-I'm so sorry. I...
512
00:20:14,475 --> 00:20:17,915
It was an accident. I was drunk. She-she...
513
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:21,885
she-she took advan... look, I'm-I'm sorry.
514
00:20:21,886 --> 00:20:24,825
I'm sorry. (groans)
515
00:20:24,826 --> 00:20:26,227
You suck.
516
00:20:26,228 --> 00:20:28,429
I-I know.
517
00:20:28,479 --> 00:20:33,029
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