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1
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:06,256
(Elevator bell dings)
2
00:00:21,884 --> 00:00:23,355
Oh...
3
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,668
(Exhales loudly)
4
00:00:34,144 --> 00:00:35,277
Woman's voice: Josh.
5
00:00:35,345 --> 00:00:36,559
(Moaning on computer)
6
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,693
- Josh, come on.
- Yeah, I know.
7
00:00:39,053 --> 00:00:40,430
We need to talk.
8
00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:42,952
Of course, what...
What? What's up?
9
00:00:43,019 --> 00:00:45,486
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- What...
10
00:00:45,506 --> 00:00:47,002
What? What-what do you mean?
11
00:00:47,022 --> 00:00:48,959
This just isn't working for me.
12
00:00:49,027 --> 00:00:50,664
It's the same thing every time.
13
00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:52,802
The laptop,
the lubriderm. I'm bored.
14
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:53,870
Aren't you bored?
15
00:00:53,938 --> 00:00:54,971
No, I'm not bored.
16
00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:56,073
This is fun. I think-I think...
17
00:00:56,141 --> 00:00:57,575
I like what we have.
18
00:00:57,643 --> 00:00:59,612
- I think it's fun.
- Remember eighth grade?
19
00:00:59,682 --> 00:01:02,419
Back then, things were so
passionate, they were exciting.
20
00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:05,441
God, I'll never forget the day
we found that Delia's catalogue.
21
00:01:05,461 --> 00:01:07,228
Or-or that time
on the bus on the
22
00:01:07,296 --> 00:01:10,436
- Washington, D.C. trip.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, D.C. was crazy.
23
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,405
But lately,
it's gotten so mechanical.
24
00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,475
I want more than this.
25
00:01:14,543 --> 00:01:17,246
I want to play guitar.
I want to work a loom.
26
00:01:17,266 --> 00:01:18,417
Learn sign language.
27
00:01:18,437 --> 00:01:19,947
And you'll do
all those things, but can we just
28
00:01:20,015 --> 00:01:22,585
pick this up in, like, three
and a half to four minutes time?
29
00:01:22,653 --> 00:01:24,386
Okay, see, this
is what I'm talking about.
30
00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:26,288
It's like we're just going
through the motions.
31
00:01:26,355 --> 00:01:28,291
I'm sick of it. I-I want
to see what's out there.
32
00:01:28,359 --> 00:01:31,197
I mean, I've only
been with one other guy.
33
00:01:32,432 --> 00:01:34,298
What? When?
34
00:01:34,366 --> 00:01:37,100
- At camp. You were asleep.
- Was it that
35
00:01:37,168 --> 00:01:41,420
- creepy kid with the dead eye, Tobias?
- It wasn't Tobias.
36
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,041
Then who was it?
37
00:01:44,510 --> 00:01:46,747
The point is I just,
I can't take this anymore.
38
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,615
I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.
39
00:01:48,683 --> 00:01:50,685
Whoa. Oh, my...
40
00:01:50,753 --> 00:01:53,390
Oh... wait, okay. D-don't
go. Please, we can...
41
00:01:53,457 --> 00:01:55,460
We can try new things,
we can spice it up.
42
00:01:55,528 --> 00:01:57,394
Different-different web sites.
43
00:01:57,462 --> 00:01:59,885
I... different grips.
44
00:02:00,096 --> 00:02:01,934
Good-bye, Josh.
45
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:03,871
Good-bye, hand.
46
00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:09,627
Man's voice:
don't you even think about it!
47
00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:13,874
S01E03
Pitbull
48
00:02:13,894 --> 00:02:16,977
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:44,287
Thank you for joining me
for dinner.
50
00:02:44,307 --> 00:02:45,950
Of course. That was fun.
51
00:02:45,970 --> 00:02:48,792
(Phone buzzing)
Who is texting you so late?
52
00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:51,231
Oh, Mike. Wow. Let's see.
53
00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:55,432
"Better get hard, son. I'm
getting you laid tonight."
54
00:02:55,452 --> 00:02:57,557
- Huh.
- Ew.
55
00:02:57,624 --> 00:02:59,258
Yeah, ew.
56
00:02:59,326 --> 00:03:01,992
You don't need that guy to help you
get a girlfriend. You know that, right?
57
00:03:02,012 --> 00:03:02,680
Mm.
58
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,929
Like, you're gonna find
someone super wonderful,
59
00:03:04,997 --> 00:03:06,499
it's just a matter of time.
60
00:03:06,566 --> 00:03:08,862
Thank you. Thank you, Liz.
I appreciate that.
61
00:03:08,882 --> 00:03:12,170
You know, and in the meantime,
you can just... focus on you.
62
00:03:12,238 --> 00:03:14,573
- Mm-hmm.
- The path to love...
63
00:03:14,641 --> 00:03:16,175
self-love.
64
00:03:16,243 --> 00:03:17,976
- Oh. Uh, yeah.
- You know?
65
00:03:18,043 --> 00:03:19,943
Just maybe taking a yoga class.
66
00:03:20,011 --> 00:03:23,013
- Eh...
- Or just go over to the gym.
67
00:03:23,081 --> 00:03:24,815
- Yeah, I guess I could.
- Meditate.
68
00:03:24,883 --> 00:03:26,716
- Meditate five minutes a day.
- Just... yeah, okay.
69
00:03:26,783 --> 00:03:30,252
- Yup.
- These are just tiny little seeds
70
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,056
(phone buzzing) that we're
planting here, and it's
71
00:03:32,123 --> 00:03:34,124
maybe not gonna take a day.
72
00:03:34,192 --> 00:03:36,758
Maybe not gonna take a
week. A couple months.
73
00:03:36,826 --> 00:03:38,560
(Phone buzzing) Little
tiny plant growing.
74
00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:41,055
"Oh, look at this plant."
That's you.
75
00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:43,566
Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.
76
00:03:43,586 --> 00:03:45,318
She's gonna be like...
77
00:03:45,338 --> 00:03:46,604
"I want that.
78
00:03:46,671 --> 00:03:48,205
"I want this...
79
00:03:48,273 --> 00:03:50,005
in my face."
80
00:03:50,073 --> 00:03:52,472
- Huh.
- And you're gonna be like,
81
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:55,541
(buzzing) "Damn. So
glad I watered myself."
82
00:03:55,608 --> 00:03:58,508
Whoa, whoa... why don't you
go running with me tomorrow?
83
00:03:58,576 --> 00:03:59,940
- You could be my running partner.
- Yeah, um...
84
00:04:00,008 --> 00:04:01,274
(Buzzing)
You know, it's really good
85
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,808
for your endorphins and
86
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,308
- cardiovascular system and...
- Yeah.
87
00:04:04,376 --> 00:04:05,575
Do you want to?
88
00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:07,909
- Yeah. Yup, yup. Yeah.
- Yeah? Is 7:00 a.m.
89
00:04:07,977 --> 00:04:10,178
- Too early?
- No, 7:00 a.m.'s not early enough.
90
00:04:10,245 --> 00:04:13,612
But, uh, in that case,
I should hit the sack...
91
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:14,882
- Yeah, totally...
- of hay.
92
00:04:14,949 --> 00:04:17,052
New and improved Josh.
Bright and early.
93
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,887
- Right, no, that's perfect... 7:00 a.m.
- See you tomorrow morning.
94
00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:21,122
- See you tomorrow morning.
- I'm excited. For you.
95
00:04:21,190 --> 00:04:23,158
- Oh, good. All right, cool.
- Okay. I love you.
96
00:04:23,225 --> 00:04:24,924
- Yeah, I love you. Yeah, good night.
- Bye. Good dinner.
97
00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:26,860
- Yes!
- Bye, bye, bye.
98
00:04:26,927 --> 00:04:28,328
Wow, thank you. Thank you
99
00:04:28,396 --> 00:04:29,730
- so much. Well, this is great.
- Oh, yeah.
100
00:04:29,798 --> 00:04:31,332
Uh, so what are-what are
their names?
101
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,500
- Whose names?
- The, uh...
102
00:04:33,568 --> 00:04:36,003
- slobbering girls.
- Oh, no, I didn't mean specific girls,
103
00:04:36,071 --> 00:04:37,505
I just meant
whoever's at the bar.
104
00:04:37,572 --> 00:04:39,472
Oh, you don't act... oh.
105
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,407
- Oh.
- Come on, let's go.
106
00:04:41,474 --> 00:04:43,940
Yeah, I-I don't know, man.
Bars aren't really my thing.
107
00:04:44,008 --> 00:04:47,910
Josh, the only way you're gonna
69 with some flat-chested skanks
108
00:04:47,978 --> 00:04:49,578
is if you go to the bar
and talk to them.
109
00:04:49,645 --> 00:04:51,078
Yeah, I know.
110
00:04:51,146 --> 00:04:53,649
- You're not scared, are you?
- I... no.
111
00:04:53,717 --> 00:04:55,644
You know how much I love...
112
00:04:56,214 --> 00:04:58,006
- wooing women.
- Great. It's on.
113
00:04:58,026 --> 00:05:01,190
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's just pregame first.
114
00:05:01,258 --> 00:05:03,327
Christ.
115
00:05:03,395 --> 00:05:05,177
It's already pretty late.
116
00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:07,532
We'll just pound these beers real quick
and then we'll go, okay?
117
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:08,734
Five minutes.
118
00:05:08,802 --> 00:05:12,140
All right, five minutes.
119
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:14,145
Too much money,
not enough time
120
00:05:14,212 --> 00:05:15,648
Get-get up off my grind
121
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:16,749
You-you stay behind
122
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,818
Too much money
123
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,321
Not-not enough time
124
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,656
Get-get up off my grind
125
00:05:21,724 --> 00:05:25,293
You stay behind
126
00:05:25,361 --> 00:05:26,963
Oh, that's a terrible way
to drink beer.
127
00:05:27,031 --> 00:05:28,764
Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.
128
00:05:28,832 --> 00:05:31,399
Make-make-make-make,
make 'em drop.
129
00:05:31,466 --> 00:05:33,467
They call them matches because
they match. Look at a...
130
00:05:33,535 --> 00:05:35,469
- Open up a matchbook, they all look the...
- What? That's ridic...
131
00:05:35,537 --> 00:05:37,070
- They all look the same.
- Oh, it is on.
132
00:05:37,138 --> 00:05:39,105
(Muffled dance music playing)
133
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,771
Uh, da, da, uh, we need
to eat something, I think.
134
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:42,464
What?
135
00:05:42,484 --> 00:05:45,509
Yeah, we-we need fuel
for dancing and flirting.
136
00:05:45,576 --> 00:05:48,780
- Dude, it's getting late.
- Let's just pound some Mexican food.
137
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:49,883
Five minutes.
138
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,485
- All right, fine. Five minutes.
- Okay, come on,
139
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,389
Come on, this way.
140
00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:57,726
Too much money,
not enough time
141
00:05:57,794 --> 00:06:00,396
Get-get up off my grind,
you'll stay behind
142
00:06:00,464 --> 00:06:01,666
Ha!
143
00:06:01,734 --> 00:06:04,370
(Distorted slurp)
(Distorted): Mmm.
144
00:06:04,438 --> 00:06:05,906
Too much money,
not enough time
145
00:06:05,973 --> 00:06:10,679
Get-get up off my grind
146
00:06:10,747 --> 00:06:12,850
Make-make-make-make,
make 'em drop
147
00:06:12,918 --> 00:06:15,586
My name Deezy, also known
for making bras pop
148
00:06:15,654 --> 00:06:18,691
I'll put that charm up in that slot
and hit the jackpot
(Both): Mmm!
149
00:06:18,759 --> 00:06:21,492
Too much money,
not enough time
150
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,796
Get-get up off my grind,
you-you stay behind
151
00:06:24,864 --> 00:06:27,065
Too much money, not
enough time
yeah!
152
00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:29,468
Get-get up off my grind,
you stay behind
153
00:06:29,536 --> 00:06:31,003
Ha!
154
00:06:31,071 --> 00:06:33,405
You stay behind.
155
00:06:35,089 --> 00:06:38,374
Dude, we drank,
we ate, it is on.
156
00:06:38,442 --> 00:06:40,241
(Indistinct chatter)
157
00:06:40,309 --> 00:06:41,875
Um... you... wait, wait,
let's just, uh,
158
00:06:41,942 --> 00:06:44,983
pound a 10,000-piece
Jigsaw puzzle first.
159
00:06:45,003 --> 00:06:46,246
Dude, it's getting...
160
00:06:46,314 --> 00:06:48,416
Too much money,
not enough time
161
00:06:48,483 --> 00:06:50,984
Get-get up on my grind,
you-you stay behind
162
00:06:51,052 --> 00:06:52,596
(Music distorts, stops)
163
00:06:57,658 --> 00:06:59,526
behind
164
00:06:59,594 --> 00:07:01,229
You stay behind
165
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,830
You stay b...
You stay behind
166
00:07:03,898 --> 00:07:05,365
(Beeping)
167
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,805
(Classical music playing,
applause)
168
00:07:09,437 --> 00:07:10,538
(Muffled club music playing)
169
00:07:11,078 --> 00:07:13,176
It is on.
170
00:07:13,244 --> 00:07:14,645
(Indistinct chatter)
171
00:07:14,713 --> 00:07:16,782
(Echoing laughter)
172
00:07:16,849 --> 00:07:18,786
Wait. Uh, okay.
173
00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:21,524
Let's just pound this
postmodern epic. Five minutes.
174
00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:23,449
- No.
- No.
175
00:07:23,469 --> 00:07:24,793
You know what?
176
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,729
I'm starting to think that
you don't want to go in there.
177
00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:28,698
- Why would you say that?
- I think you've just been stalling
178
00:07:28,766 --> 00:07:31,558
because you're afraid
to hit on girls.
179
00:07:31,931 --> 00:07:33,805
Well, it's never
gonna happen, is it, man?
180
00:07:33,873 --> 00:07:36,942
These... girls like this
don't get with guys like me.
181
00:07:37,689 --> 00:07:39,144
Dude, she just
totally checked you out.
182
00:07:39,212 --> 00:07:42,011
Holy Moses. Yeah, okay,
let's-let's get in there.
183
00:07:42,079 --> 00:07:43,848
- Uh, let me just tie my shoes.
- No, there's no time.
184
00:07:43,916 --> 00:07:45,250
It is on.
185
00:07:45,318 --> 00:07:46,785
Ooh, it's on.
186
00:07:48,954 --> 00:07:50,789
Oh, shit.
187
00:07:50,857 --> 00:07:54,573
That was Mike and Josh.
You stay behind.
188
00:07:55,214 --> 00:07:57,417
Oh, man, it's
super late already.
189
00:07:57,485 --> 00:08:00,025
Don't worry. Still
plenty of time to score.
190
00:08:00,045 --> 00:08:03,192
Ooh, two clusters,
divide and conquer.
191
00:08:03,212 --> 00:08:05,064
Josh: Uh, yeah? You don't
want to stick together?
192
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:06,694
Uh... okay, and you're gone.
193
00:08:06,762 --> 00:08:09,978
(Whoops) This is the
best night of my life!
194
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,335
Divide and conquer.
195
00:08:12,403 --> 00:08:14,808
Hey. Hey.
196
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,320
Hi. Uh... hi.
197
00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:18,802
What's good...
What's the spot...
198
00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:20,806
Should I be in the center?
199
00:08:20,874 --> 00:08:22,358
Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.
200
00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:24,355
Hey. How's it going? Hey.
201
00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:26,043
Where should I be? Okay. Ow!
202
00:08:26,111 --> 00:08:28,680
Hi. Hi. Hey.
203
00:08:28,748 --> 00:08:30,049
Hi, hey.
204
00:08:30,116 --> 00:08:33,052
Hi. Hi. Hey.
205
00:08:33,119 --> 00:08:35,054
Hey, hi.
206
00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:41,932
Mmm, mmm. (Grunting)
207
00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:45,364
That is just disgusting.
208
00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:52,507
Land ho!
209
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:54,575
Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.
210
00:08:54,643 --> 00:08:56,577
Uh, can I get you
something to drink or...
211
00:08:56,644 --> 00:08:59,179
- Sure. Maybe a Cosmo?
- That's a terrific idea.
212
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:02,237
Uh, barkeep? That'll be, uh, two Cosmos.
213
00:09:02,257 --> 00:09:05,981
- All right, that's 38 bucks.
- It's $38?
214
00:09:06,821 --> 00:09:09,155
So, one-one cosmo.
215
00:09:09,222 --> 00:09:10,922
And...
216
00:09:10,990 --> 00:09:12,290
a glass of water.
217
00:09:12,357 --> 00:09:13,791
- All right.
- Thank you.
218
00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:15,425
So, uh, what's your name?
219
00:09:15,492 --> 00:09:16,893
- Sara.
- Sara.
220
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,063
That is an oldie but a goodie.
221
00:09:19,131 --> 00:09:20,665
Very, very biblical.
222
00:09:20,732 --> 00:09:23,692
So, oldie but a goodie
Sara, what...
223
00:09:24,905 --> 00:09:27,476
Thank... thank you.
224
00:09:35,722 --> 00:09:38,756
Oh, this is so easy. Mmm.
225
00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:41,160
(All laughing) (Mike whoops)
226
00:09:43,564 --> 00:09:46,433
(Laughs) Two shots, please.
227
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,837
Dude, this place is sick.
228
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:50,674
There's this girl, Sara...
she is all over me.
229
00:09:50,742 --> 00:09:52,110
Are you...
230
00:09:52,178 --> 00:09:54,947
How-how is it so easy for you
to talk to these girls?
231
00:09:55,015 --> 00:09:56,884
- Like, what's your secret?
- Dude, there's no secret.
232
00:09:56,952 --> 00:09:59,287
All you got to do is find
a girl, walk up to her,
233
00:09:59,355 --> 00:10:02,025
say "hi," do spiral eyes,
ask her her name,
234
00:10:02,093 --> 00:10:03,561
- maybe buy her a drink, and then...
- Wait, wait, wait. Go back.
235
00:10:03,628 --> 00:10:04,996
What-what did you just say?
236
00:10:05,064 --> 00:10:06,532
- Buy her a drink.
- No, before that.
237
00:10:06,599 --> 00:10:08,467
- Say "hi"?
- No, the other...
238
00:10:08,536 --> 00:10:10,736
Uh, spiral something.
Something with spiral?
239
00:10:10,804 --> 00:10:13,404
Spiral eyes. You know, it's
how you get girls to like you.
240
00:10:13,472 --> 00:10:14,607
One second.
241
00:10:14,674 --> 00:10:16,409
What's up, girl?
242
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:21,978
- What's up?
- See you on the dance floor.
243
00:10:22,046 --> 00:10:23,813
Can't wait.
244
00:10:23,881 --> 00:10:25,181
See?
245
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,084
I-I've never seen that
before in my life.
246
00:10:27,151 --> 00:10:28,784
Your-your eyes turn
into these spinning...
247
00:10:28,852 --> 00:10:31,222
Spinning hypnotic spirals.
Right. Spiral eyes.
248
00:10:31,290 --> 00:10:32,794
Well, how did you learn
to do that?
249
00:10:32,861 --> 00:10:34,429
Well, the same way
everybody learns.
250
00:10:34,496 --> 00:10:36,664
The day I hit puberty, a
wizard appeared and taught me.
251
00:10:36,732 --> 00:10:38,132
Did that not happen to you?
252
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,035
- No.
- Are you sure?
253
00:10:40,103 --> 00:10:42,871
A tall guy, pointy hat,
he had a long white beard?
254
00:10:42,939 --> 00:10:44,337
I know what a wizard looks like.
255
00:10:44,405 --> 00:10:45,872
I'm saying I've never met one.
256
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,609
Hold on. Wait a minute. Stop.
257
00:10:47,677 --> 00:10:49,845
If you can't do spiral eyes,
how do you hit on girls?
258
00:10:49,912 --> 00:10:52,780
I-I don't know. I just walk up
to them and say random stuff.
259
00:10:52,848 --> 00:10:54,783
- About what?
- The room we're in.
260
00:10:54,851 --> 00:10:57,088
Or, uh, current events.
261
00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:58,757
Like if there's something
going on in the news.
262
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,159
Or if there's a song playing,
I'll reference the song.
263
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,242
Stuff like that.
264
00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:05,463
So, you can't do spiral eyes?
265
00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:07,864
- No.
- That's unbelievable, man!
266
00:11:07,932 --> 00:11:09,466
I got to see what
it's like to be you.
267
00:11:09,533 --> 00:11:11,200
- Yeah?
- Just two seconds, yeah.
268
00:11:11,268 --> 00:11:13,770
- (Clears his throat) Cool bar, right?
- What?
269
00:11:13,838 --> 00:11:17,239
Uh, it's pretty crazy what's
happening in the news, huh?
270
00:11:17,306 --> 00:11:18,608
I've got to go.
271
00:11:18,676 --> 00:11:20,108
Of course you do.
272
00:11:20,176 --> 00:11:21,740
(Laughing): Who could blame you?
273
00:11:21,808 --> 00:11:23,606
- That's your life?
- Yeah.
274
00:11:23,674 --> 00:11:26,675
That was, like, oh, my
asshole and my throat touched
275
00:11:26,742 --> 00:11:28,712
in the center of my body.
276
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:31,109
No wonder you were scared to
come in here, man. Ooh.
277
00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:31,763
Yeah.
278
00:11:31,783 --> 00:11:33,484
- I'm really sorry, but...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just...
279
00:11:33,552 --> 00:11:35,620
teach me how to do,
uh, spiral eyes.
280
00:11:35,687 --> 00:11:37,021
Dude, I'm no wizard.
281
00:11:37,089 --> 00:11:39,991
I'm just an ordinary guy.
282
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,325
Who wants some of this?
283
00:11:43,345 --> 00:11:46,746
Yeah, touch it. Touch it.
Touch it, yeah.
284
00:11:47,698 --> 00:11:50,865
My life is amazing!
285
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:52,334
(Mike laughs)
286
00:11:52,401 --> 00:11:54,937
No condoms tonight. Mm, mm.
287
00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:03,143
(Sputters, sighs)
288
00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,816
(Toilet flushing)
289
00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:07,854
(Imitates gunshot)
290
00:12:07,874 --> 00:12:10,788
(Zippering)
291
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:13,091
(Man humming)
292
00:12:14,494 --> 00:12:16,095
(Lever clicking)
293
00:12:16,163 --> 00:12:17,899
(Man laughs)
294
00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:19,881
Having a good night.
295
00:12:20,998 --> 00:12:24,337
It's like a vagina party
out there.
296
00:12:24,357 --> 00:12:26,123
Supply and demand,
297
00:12:26,143 --> 00:12:29,544
but there's too much demand
sometimes,
298
00:12:29,611 --> 00:12:32,484
and, you know,
not enough of these, I guess.
299
00:12:32,894 --> 00:12:34,259
Oh. (Laughs)
300
00:12:34,279 --> 00:12:35,363
He had a good night. Ooh.
301
00:12:35,364 --> 00:12:36,555
It smells like curry.
302
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:37,857
One size fits all.
303
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,770
Hopefully, it'll fit.
304
00:12:40,461 --> 00:12:42,314
Oh.
305
00:12:43,294 --> 00:12:44,699
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
306
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:45,901
Dude, where you going, man?
307
00:12:45,969 --> 00:12:47,704
I'm going home. Come on.
308
00:12:47,772 --> 00:12:49,206
You can't quit, Josh.
309
00:12:49,274 --> 00:12:50,673
There's still plenty
of girls left.
310
00:12:50,741 --> 00:12:52,042
That's not gonna happen, man.
311
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,678
I'm-I'm tired, and I'm broke,
312
00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:56,270
and it's very late.
I'm-I'm done.
313
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:58,984
- Let me buy you drink.
- I don't want another drink, man!
314
00:12:59,052 --> 00:13:00,284
Whoa.
315
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,650
You, do a shot with me.
316
00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:06,413
- Yeah. Go.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay.
317
00:13:07,232 --> 00:13:08,526
(Sighs)
318
00:13:08,919 --> 00:13:09,927
Yeah.
319
00:13:09,994 --> 00:13:11,764
(Laughs)
320
00:13:11,831 --> 00:13:13,433
Okay. Hey.
321
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,869
(Woman laughs) Attaboy!
322
00:13:16,676 --> 00:13:19,232
Get it in
where you fit it in, dawg.
323
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,766
- Come on.
- No, no, no.
324
00:13:49,936 --> 00:13:52,084
(Sniffing)
325
00:13:53,015 --> 00:13:54,323
(Mumbles) All right, okay.
326
00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:56,424
(Sniffing)
327
00:13:57,011 --> 00:13:58,628
(Groaning)
328
00:13:58,695 --> 00:14:01,866
(Slow-motion growling)
329
00:14:08,241 --> 00:14:10,476
All right... ooh.
330
00:14:10,544 --> 00:14:13,016
Ooh. Oh, gosh. Okay.
331
00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:14,651
- Okay. Get down.
- Oh, okay.
332
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:16,286
(Groans)
333
00:14:16,354 --> 00:14:17,422
Now it's like Basic Instinct.
334
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,259
- Take it off.
- Okay. Yeah.
335
00:14:19,327 --> 00:14:21,096
- All right.
- Now, just take it...
336
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,631
Yeah. (Both moaning)
337
00:14:22,699 --> 00:14:25,067
(Moaning and groaning) Okay.
338
00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:27,268
- (Panting) Oh, give it to me.
- Okay. Here we go.
339
00:14:27,336 --> 00:14:29,271
- God.
- Just keep it going.
340
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:30,873
- Just take it off.
- I'll take off my shirt,
341
00:14:30,941 --> 00:14:32,164
and you take off yours. Okay.
342
00:14:32,184 --> 00:14:34,607
- Okay. I want it. There we go.
- Josh, Josh, Josh.
343
00:14:34,675 --> 00:14:36,681
- Shh.
- Okay. Aah. Go.
344
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:37,945
- You get on top.
- Oh, okay.
345
00:14:38,013 --> 00:14:39,279
- Get on top.
- Yeah.
346
00:14:39,347 --> 00:14:40,447
- Okay. Okay.
- Come on.
347
00:14:40,514 --> 00:14:41,948
Oh. Yeah.
348
00:14:42,016 --> 00:14:44,516
Josh! This is for Josh. Uh.
349
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,013
- Oh, give it to me.
- Oh, yeah.
350
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:47,554
Oh, I want it. Come on.
351
00:14:47,622 --> 00:14:49,089
(Sighs)
352
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:51,025
- I want you to give it...
- Oh, my God. Yes.
353
00:14:51,093 --> 00:14:53,096
- Give it to me. Give it to me.
- Oh, yeah, give, give. Oh.
354
00:14:53,163 --> 00:14:54,230
- Uh, uh...
- Come on.
355
00:14:54,298 --> 00:14:56,134
Yeah, just let me...
Can I just go
356
00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:57,938
to the bathroom real quick?
Just two secs.
357
00:14:58,006 --> 00:14:59,341
Yeah. Just hurry. Go.
358
00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:02,177
Hurry. Hurry.
359
00:15:05,585 --> 00:15:07,821
Okay.
360
00:15:10,763 --> 00:15:12,724
Shit!
361
00:15:13,493 --> 00:15:15,301
Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it?!
362
00:15:16,545 --> 00:15:18,575
Shit! Think, think,
think, think, think.
363
00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,546
(Touch tones sounding)
364
00:15:20,613 --> 00:15:22,129
(Phone ringing) Hello.
365
00:15:22,149 --> 00:15:23,420
Yeah. Hi there. Hi.
366
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,750
You just dropped me off
a few seconds ago.
367
00:15:25,818 --> 00:15:27,286
You are the drunk boy.
368
00:15:27,354 --> 00:15:29,523
I-I am the drunk boy.
Listen, this is
369
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:31,624
kind of embarrassing,
but I lost my dick,
370
00:15:31,691 --> 00:15:33,058
so, can you just take a look
371
00:15:33,126 --> 00:15:34,359
and see if it's there?
372
00:15:34,427 --> 00:15:35,893
I don't see it.
373
00:15:35,961 --> 00:15:38,764
Wait. Uh, may-maybe it rolled
onto the floor.
374
00:15:38,831 --> 00:15:40,763
I see no dicks, my friend.
375
00:15:40,830 --> 00:15:43,665
Okay, all right. Uh, thank you.
376
00:15:43,732 --> 00:15:45,668
(Moaning) Hurry!
377
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:47,636
Uh, just one-one second!
378
00:15:47,704 --> 00:15:50,405
(Phone ringing)
What up? What up?
379
00:15:50,473 --> 00:15:52,575
I'll check the... I'll check
the lost and found.
380
00:15:52,642 --> 00:15:53,903
Yeah.
381
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,778
Yeah, there's a couple dicks
in here.
382
00:15:56,846 --> 00:15:58,279
Oh, great!
383
00:15:58,347 --> 00:15:59,714
- Is it pierced?
- No.
384
00:15:59,781 --> 00:16:01,515
- Does it have prongs?
- What?
385
00:16:01,582 --> 00:16:03,917
Oh, never mind.
That's a cell phone charger.
386
00:16:03,984 --> 00:16:05,486
It's not here.
387
00:16:05,554 --> 00:16:07,396
- Shit!
- Woman: Hey!
388
00:16:07,756 --> 00:16:10,473
Jared! Come on!
389
00:16:10,493 --> 00:16:12,994
Just one, uh, second!
390
00:16:13,062 --> 00:16:14,129
(Touch tones sounding)
391
00:16:14,197 --> 00:16:15,729
Uh, no,
392
00:16:15,797 --> 00:16:18,200
nobody turned in any dicks.
Sorry, buddy.
393
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:19,903
Okay, uh, can-can you check
the men's room,
394
00:16:19,971 --> 00:16:22,406
because I know I had it
with me at the urinal?
395
00:16:22,474 --> 00:16:25,341
You're killing me, dude.
Hold on.
396
00:16:25,409 --> 00:16:27,210
Thank you.
(Door opens over phone)
397
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,646
All right, I'm in the men's room
by the urinals here.
398
00:16:29,713 --> 00:16:31,045
Can't... whoa!
399
00:16:31,113 --> 00:16:35,884
(Thudding, gagging, retching)
400
00:16:35,952 --> 00:16:37,152
(Plopping) Bartender: Uh...
401
00:16:37,219 --> 00:16:38,551
What happened?
402
00:16:38,619 --> 00:16:40,486
Uh, I-I slipped on your dick.
403
00:16:40,554 --> 00:16:42,087
Then it flew in the air.
404
00:16:42,155 --> 00:16:44,188
I landed on my back, and I guess
my mouth was open,
405
00:16:44,256 --> 00:16:45,622
'cause it fell
right in my mouth.
406
00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:47,759
And then, I spat it out
and, well,
407
00:16:47,826 --> 00:16:49,527
long story short,
it's in the toilet.
408
00:16:49,595 --> 00:16:50,961
It's in the...? Oh, man.
409
00:16:51,029 --> 00:16:52,697
Can you please fish it out
for me?
410
00:16:52,765 --> 00:16:55,069
Well, I would, but the thing is,
last guy in here
411
00:16:55,137 --> 00:16:57,305
wasn't exactly an expert
in the fine art of flushing.
412
00:16:57,373 --> 00:16:58,939
Oh, my God. This is... this...
413
00:16:59,007 --> 00:17:00,841
Okay, well, I... I really,
really need it,
414
00:17:00,909 --> 00:17:02,609
like, right now, man.
415
00:17:02,677 --> 00:17:05,278
All right, fine,
I'll grab it. Hold...
416
00:17:05,345 --> 00:17:06,947
(Bartender yelling,
dog snarling and barking)
417
00:17:07,015 --> 00:17:08,647
Let go. Let go. Let go. Give me
the... give me that thing!
418
00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:10,215
Is that a dog?
419
00:17:10,283 --> 00:17:11,649
Stop it! Out of the mouth!
420
00:17:11,717 --> 00:17:13,117
(Bartender groans)
421
00:17:13,184 --> 00:17:14,418
What was all that?
(Dog whimpering)
422
00:17:14,485 --> 00:17:16,553
Uh, don't worry about it.
423
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:19,057
Hey, come on!
424
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:20,792
Oh, yeah, just a...
Just a minute!
425
00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:22,661
All right, man,
your dick will be
426
00:17:22,729 --> 00:17:25,265
in the cash register
for you tomorrow.
427
00:17:25,332 --> 00:17:26,896
No, no, no, no, man,
I need it right now.
428
00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,229
I'm-I'm with a girl, and
she wants to have sex with me!
429
00:17:28,296 --> 00:17:30,031
Well, you know,
430
00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:32,667
sex doesn't necessarily have
to involve a penis.
431
00:17:32,734 --> 00:17:34,466
Oh, my God.
432
00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:36,667
There are many ways for you
to be erotic with your partner.
433
00:17:36,735 --> 00:17:39,039
For instance, a-a long, intimate
conversation... sometimes
434
00:17:39,106 --> 00:17:42,506
that can be more sensual
than any penetrative act.
435
00:17:42,573 --> 00:17:44,774
Oh, this is
the worst night ever.
436
00:17:44,842 --> 00:17:46,343
Hey, buddy, how do you think
I feel?
437
00:17:46,411 --> 00:17:48,544
I just wrestled a pit bull
for a shit-covered dick.
438
00:17:48,612 --> 00:17:50,412
I think a thank you
might be in order.
439
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,046
No, you-you make a fair point.
440
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,750
I'm sorry. Thank you.
441
00:17:53,818 --> 00:17:55,185
All right. Well, you're welcome.
442
00:17:55,252 --> 00:17:56,976
Have a great night. Good luck.
443
00:17:57,921 --> 00:18:00,454
Oh, my God.
444
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,588
Oh, finally.
445
00:18:02,656 --> 00:18:04,925
Um, Krystal, I-I'm sorry.
446
00:18:04,993 --> 00:18:06,360
I don't think I can.
447
00:18:06,428 --> 00:18:08,161
Oh, yes, you can.
448
00:18:08,228 --> 00:18:09,525
I can't. I'm sorry.
Uh, no. Oh, yeah?
449
00:18:09,593 --> 00:18:12,693
I can't. Uh, so... yeah.
450
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,427
I-I'm... this has never...
451
00:18:14,495 --> 00:18:16,895
This doesn't usually
happen to me. Uh...
452
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,898
Uh-huh.
453
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:23,703
Do you want to have, like,
a long, intimate conversation?
454
00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:25,573
What?
455
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,808
Yeah, yeah. Fair enough.
456
00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:30,177
- I hate me, too.
- Geez.
457
00:18:30,244 --> 00:18:32,012
(Phone buzzing)
458
00:18:34,018 --> 00:18:36,048
Hey, Josh, are you lost?
459
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,017
I'm-I'm on the south side
of the park.
460
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,719
I'm just gonna be,
uh, running loops.
461
00:18:39,787 --> 00:18:42,560
All right. I'm so proud of you!
462
00:18:44,593 --> 00:18:46,494
- Mike: Dude!
- What?
463
00:18:46,561 --> 00:18:48,894
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, man, I got so drunk,
464
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,629
I forgot my credit
card at the bar.
465
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:53,835
Oh, yeah, uh, that's-that's
also what I forgot.
466
00:18:53,903 --> 00:18:56,336
Man, last night was sick!
467
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,970
Me and this banging
little skank tore
468
00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,907
through a ten-pack of condoms.
469
00:18:59,974 --> 00:19:02,209
Yeah. Oh. Filled her
up with my milk.
470
00:19:02,277 --> 00:19:04,109
- Milkman's coming. Hello.
- Yeah.
471
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:07,480
(Laughs) Got, like, six
gallons of milk for you.
472
00:19:07,549 --> 00:19:09,081
Yeah, I get it, yeah.
473
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,547
- I love this milk analogy, dude.
- Yeah.
474
00:19:10,614 --> 00:19:12,315
How'd it go with
that drunk chick?
475
00:19:12,382 --> 00:19:14,115
Yeah, very similar.
476
00:19:14,183 --> 00:19:16,617
Lots of, uh, milk, and, uh, it
was a very positive experience.
477
00:19:16,685 --> 00:19:18,653
(Laughs) Yeah.
478
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,857
- Ooh, we crushed it, dawg.
- Oh, yeah.
479
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:23,161
- What did I tell you, boy.
- Uh! (Groans)
480
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,629
Hey, here are your dicks.
481
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:27,998
Thank-thank you.
482
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,986
(Groans)
483
00:19:33,947 --> 00:19:34,879
You want to, uh...
484
00:19:34,946 --> 00:19:36,814
You want to get a
bacon-egg-and-cheese, or...?
485
00:19:36,882 --> 00:19:39,184
Yeah, yeah.
486
00:19:39,251 --> 00:19:41,619
Uh...
487
00:19:41,687 --> 00:19:46,297
- I think we've got each other's.
- Yup. Yup, that's exactly... yup.
488
00:19:46,458 --> 00:19:49,561
sync and corrected by ninh
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489
00:19:49,611 --> 00:19:54,161
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