Original subtitles

DAN: He does smell lovely. Does he smell different? From...? A cooked ham. Oh, you're funny.

Most of these are beyond saving, I'm afraid, Dan.

Well, they're fresh flowers, Veronica, so...

These are fresh, Dan.

Why's he buying you flowers, anyway?

Well, he's hoping I'll go back to the school and work, isn't he?

"To one of the most inspirational teachers I've met,

"enjoy being a mum, but come back soon."

Over-the-top, isn't it?

I got fuck all when I had my adenoids out.

Well, that's because Emma is an inspiration, Daniel.

We're all inspirational, Jeff.

Sort of comes with the territory.

THEY LAUGH QUIETLY

Yeah, you're lessons are like Dead Poets Society.

I'm unconventional, but I get results.

EMMA AND JEFF LAUGH LOUDLY

Well, from what I hear, you can't wait to get out of the room at the end of the day.

LAUGHTER FROM NEXT ROOM

Why are you laughing?

You've never see me teach!

I've never seen a cat ice a cake,

but I'm pretty sure it would make a mess of it.

THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

Very good!

No opposable thumb, you know?

Carnage!

Well, why's the head asked me to run a trip if I'm that bad?

Probably looking for an excuse to sack you.

It's because I light the flame of the children's imaginations.

Fuck's sake!

Shhh! Try not to wake my baby with your hysteria.

MY baby?

Yes.

Our baby.

Well...

Yes.

No, they're all dead.

FLOWERS LAND IN BIN

As if I couldn't get a kid to look up to me.

They're kids! They're no cleverer than bees.

You don't care about the children you teach?

I choose not to.

I could inspire the tits off a kid!

God, please be quiet. Let me eat an egg in peace.

I know you're sulking.

It wasn't my fault you got arrested.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Christ!

Secret fancy woman blowing you out, you dirty little ferret?

No, it's Jo.

I don't have a secret fancy woman.

I've got an upset daughter whose birthday party I missed because of my moronic friends!

One of whom has decided to check up on me every five seconds.

At least Jo feels guilty about it.

These damn texts!

"Make sure you brush those teeth, Brian!"

I thought she was in hiding from the tax man.

She is, but she's also now decided she's my guardian angel.

It's madness. I'm being stalked by a big Barbara Windsor.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, my God! "Hope your bacon is nice, Brian."

She's here!

Leave me alone, you peroxide clown!

I'll take a stick to you, you cunt bastard!

Please, Jo. Please!

Where's he gone?

He's stressed!

Let him go and have his horrible Y-fronts jiggled!

And stop this madness!

And remember, Jo,

a waterfall may flow downward,

but the pool it forms

looks up.

See? Inspirational.

And it was a piece of piss!

The taxman!

I live in the shadows!

Oh, hello! My name's Jennifer.

I pay my taxes.

Oh, what a yummy breakfast!

JO MAKES CHEWING SOUNDS

If I can't separate these,

I'm going to fuck you up!

Yeah, hi, can I come by for a couple of hours?

I know I'm not due, but I could really do with a session.

Things are getting a little bit much.

Chop chop. Going to the museum!

Yeah!

Oi! Why has he asked you to come along?

He said to keep an eye on you because of what happened in Cornwall.

He shit in a fountain.

Uh, I stood in a fountain that had a shit in it. Big difference, Jason!

Why are you shouting at me?! All right!

I'm perfectly capable of running a poxy trip to a war museum.

I speak the kids' language.

Up top, Josephine. Get fucked!

There, you see?

That's real talk!

Let's roll!

Oh, hey.

Forgetting something?

Uh...

Have you done something to your hair or...?

Oh, it's, erm...

Kevin. Kevin!

Come on! Honestly...

No touching! Whoa, whoa!

Dear me. The spirit of the wolf is strong in that one.

Don't worry. We'll tame him.

Together.

Lovely.

Want some more wisdom?

Yeah.

If you mess up this school trip, I'll sack you.

God, it's so good to be getting out of that place.

Here.

Oh, no thanks.

The kids aren't allowed sweets, are they?

So I don't think we should be.

KIDS: Stop talking about it.

What? Talking about what?

Hey, you.

How you doing?

Fine.

Cool.

How's mum? All good?

My mother is dead.

Oh, yeah, well, forgot about that, sorry.

Yeah...

Guys, slow down!

Slow down!

Lots to discover, but let's do it together, yeah?

You're being really weird.

No, I'm not!

Jesus Christ, Jo!

Dan, where are we?

The taxman could be anywhere!

They have eyes everywhere!

They have things

up there!

You're not a Taliban commander, for fuck's sake!

Hey, this trip's all about the kids!

I did this for the children, all right!

Yeah, you're definitely being weird.

Well, hello, time travellers,

and welcome to the 1940s.

1940S MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, look!

Yes! You are about to step back to the golden age.

Yes, there was struggle,

but there was incredible community spirit.

Any questions?

Yes.

You seen Two Girls, One Cup?

Yes, I see. Can I have a word?

Yep.

Well?

It's a viral video, two women gobbling shit.

Shut up! Stand up straight, man!

Now I know the school don't expect much

in what we used to happily and correctly refer to as retards!

We usually ask the children to fill in worksheets,

but I'll settle for you keeping the little chimps under control.

A big stick and a lot of shouting! Right?

Well, no, I think you'll find with the right guidance...

Shut up! You're a stranger to discipline, Davis!

A gobbler of confectionery!

Unable to hold on down a relationship or a proper job!

Live with your mother, I would think.

Am I close?

Yes, I am!

Who is this?

Oh! I said who is this?

Well, it's supposed to be Churchill.

Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill, yes!

An inspiration!

A potent symbol of the greatest period in British history!

Off you go, Tony.

That is a leader, Davis.

You're nothing more than a glorified sheepdog!

Keep your flock of zombies off my exhibits and we will get along fine.

However,

if you fail to follow the expected code of conduct,

I will shut your shit down like a rat on a potato.

What will I do?

Now, look... What will I do?

Yes, you'll shut my shit down.

Like? Like a rat.

But the thing about our...

On?

Like a rat on a... On a potato!

Splendid.

Enjoy the Bewkley War Experience.

Out!

What is this?

Have you no sense of where you are?

Honestly! Right!

Phones in the bag.

What?! I don't think that's a very good idea.

They didn't have mobile phones in the war.

Lucky to have a tin of ham and a pipe!

Here, get a picture of me handing these out.

Why? Just do it!

Worksheet,

worksheet...

There you go.

All right, everyone, off you go!

First exhibit. Learning, always learning.

Well, this is bullshit!

You shouldn't struggle too much with this.

It's for children.

What's going on? Why have you taken their phones off them?

Because the bloke who runs this place seems to think

our children can't be sufficiently inspired to fill out a worksheet.

Well, he's got a point.

We're better to let them run around taking pictures of each other.

They haven't got the concentration span! Wake up!

Can we dare to dream a little bit bigger for our children, Allie?

Can we?

Can we dream a little bigger?

Yeah.

All right, guys, you got your worksheets.

So if you struggle, just let me know.

You know I'll help you. I can and I will.

You know I will.

OK, stand still.

Look at me. What? Eat this.

Look, come on, leave them! They're fine!

Let's go and take the piss out of some of the actors.

General Montgomery has a speech impediment.

And? And let's get him to say stuff with S's in.

Greetingsh.

Old Dan would've found that funny, very funny.

But I've realised something.

If children are going to find their way,

they need a bright light to guide them.

Me.

Hold this bag of phones.

All right, guys!

Gather round! Let's have a little look at this worksheet, shall we?

Number one, describe the atmosphere in this zone.

Well, that's easy. What can you see?

The biggest knob in Britain? Hey!

You've got problems at home, so I'm going to let that slide.

Her mum drinks. OK, close your eyes.

Sir, this is torture.

Close your eyes!

Soak up the atmosphere.

DAN INHALES LOUDLY

That's it.

Oh, my God!

Yes, Jason! It's powerful, isn't it?

Gregory's farted! I have not farted.

You have! Hey, nobody's farted!

He has!

And I know it's him! It stinks of bananas!

They didn't have bananas in the wartime.

Whoa!

That's good!

Now, it's a shame farting got brought up.

But, together, we have learned.

They didn't have bananas in the war.

So that's historically accurate.

Is that historically accurate?

Oh, my...

That's just a bit of horseplay.

I'm sure that'll wipe straight off.

I'm so sorry.

I've just had a Twix.

STUDENTS LAUGH

And we always leave our doors open, cos it's safe as 'ouses.

It's the spirit of the Blitz!

Oh! Um...

And this is my...

..wife?

That's right!

Yeah! So any questions so far?

Is it true you had great sing-alongs?

Oh, it certainly is!

SHE LAUGHS

It's a Long Way to Tipperary

It's a long way to go

Sippin' on coke and rum

I'm like, so what, I'm drunk

It's the freakin' weekend, baby

I'm about to have me some fun...

Any more questions about the war?

Is it true women couldn't afford tights in the war?

I'm glad you asked me that.

I love the 1940s!

Are you sure?

Oh, I've never done this before.

Can't I just do the usual?

This doesn't feel right to me at all.

Why do I have to stay with you?

Hey...

What happened before, it wasn't cool.

But I get it, you feel like you're not being listened to.

And I want you to know, I've got ears.

I've got big ears.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You see these war poems?

I'll bet you feel you couldn't write one.

I couldn't. You could.

I don't want to. You're going to.

Can I have my phone back? Write a war poem!

Sir, I'm a Nazi!

Oh, f...

It is great that you're interested!

And I want you to be curious, Jason,

but you're going to have to put that back.

Can I have my phone back, then?

Oh, Jesus Christ, where's the bag of phones?

Oh, shit, I left them in the last zone.

Oh, brilliant!

Go and find the bag of phones, and put that back!

What are you hoping to achieve?

Sir?

I finished the worksheet. Ohh!

That is what I'm hoping to achieve.

A completed worksheet from...

You are?

Well done...

What's your name? Kevin. Kevin!

Well done, Kevin!

Hang on a minute.

You taking the piss? What's this? What?

"Women couldn't afford tights in the war,

"so they smeared Nutella on their legs"? What's this? It's bullshit!

A woman told me!

"A woman told me"!

What was Hitler's first name? "Danny"?!

What are you, a moron, lad?!

Mr Davis! Well...

It's true, there was a woman.

She said she'd give us all the answers if we promised

we aren't working for the taxman. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

What did they put in bombs?

Jam.

Jo! No!

I don't know who Jo is, I'm just a simple 1940s housewife!

Get that costume off!

I'm trying to fill these kids with a passion for knowledge!

No, Dan, leave me here! I'm safe in the 1940s!

You're not in the 1940s, you maniac!

Oh, shit!

You don't fancy him, do you?

Who? Sir.

Don't be ridiculous.

Dick, isn't he?

Guess who?

Right, come on, we need to collect these worksheets up -

they're bullshit! Give me those!

PA: Now, if you'd like to gather round,

you can see first-hand what life was like for a wartime evacuee!

Yes, this'll do.

Right, all gather round. Watch this, and you'd better look interested!

I've done your stupid poem, I'm going.

You stay, you watch, or I steal the tuck shop money

and I frame you for the crime!

Mr Davis!

Oh! We're having a wonderful day!

The children devour, they learn! Really?

PA: To explain, please welcome little Toby Perkins

from the East End of London.

Hello, there!

I'm Toby, and in the summer of 1940,

my parents made a very big decision...

Fuck my whole face.

Carry on, Brian!

SHE SNICKERS

SHE WHEEZES

We arrived in Cornwall, and were greeted by old Mr Watlington,

and his rosy-cheeked wife, Fanny.

THEY LAUGH

Brian, what the hell is this?

We thought you were sneaking off to meet a lady! You gimp!

Why are you dressed like a child from the past?

I'm usually an air raid warden!

Anyway...fuck you!

Fuck me?! Fuck you, baby!

Sorry, kids, that's just emotion.

Hey, hey.

What is wrong with you?

I was really looking forward to today.

All I do is look after kids, and I really thought you and I

would just let the kids off the leash, and have a bit of a laugh.

What's going on? Nothing's going on.

Here, take a picture of me

reading Josephine's poem really thoughtfully.

SHE SIGHS

Her. Emma.

What? That's who you were sending the picture to.

You're trying to prove something to Emma.

As usual, by pretending to be something you're not!

Right, OK, I think we should just go.

Sir, they've gone! The phones! What?

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were in here.

I was just looking for somewhere to have a fag.

No, it's OK.

I'm sorry about the laughing, it was just a bit of a shock, that's all.

That's all right. I'd laugh, too.

Everyone thought I was having a steamy affair.

I rather liked that they were thinking that.

Pathetic.

Brian, my life is so dull that for two weeks,

I've looked forward to having a laugh

with your stupid, distracted friend today.

I spend my spare time as an unpaid historical reenactor.

It looks fun. You don't think that.

No, I don't! But my life is really boring, too.

Oh, thanks! I didn't mean it like that.

You make a cute child refugee.

Jesus! What an epitaph!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh! You can't smoke in here.

Don't you ever just want to do something crazy?

I'm afraid I do not.

Crazy and I rarely cross paths.

Well, I'd be up for some real crazy, Brian.

I could drive us back to town with no seat belt on.

Oh.

They're not here.

We better find them - my mum is going to go mental!

We are not telling the head, do you all understand?

If I have to, I'll buy you all new phones, all right?

Jesus, he trusted me.

God, you're thicker than me!

He was getting us out of the way. What?

We got the inspectors in today, you idiot!

We're an embarrassment.

Apparently, so are you.

No!

Dan!

It's this fat guy! He's got the phones!

CHURCHILL!

Wanker.

What the fuck?

Fucking hell!

Do take a look inside, a rare glimpse into the belly of the beast!

Behind this curtain, enjoy...

DAN YELLS

THEY GRUNT

What the hell?!

DULL THUDS

You like that, Churchill? Yeah!

CIGAR SIZZLES

HE SCREAMS

Oh! My eyes!

Hey!

Brian, relax!

I am relaxed! It's just a bit...sleepy.

CAMERA CLICKS

Brian?

HITLER SPEAKS OVER SPEAKER

CHEERING OVER SPEAKER

Right, listen, I've a call from the museum... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fought Churchill, she tossed someone off in a bunker, I know!

Now you listen to me.

We think we know these kids.

But we don't, cos we don't even try.

I've seen things from them today

that I wouldn't have thought possible.

Some of them wrote war poems, for God's sake, war poems!

Josephine?

"Fat, fat, pussy rat, Hitler is a twat..."

That's fine for now.

The point is you send these kids away, and then you lie.

And I don't care if I've lost my job, because this needs to be heard.

Any inspector, you, sir, you need to see the whole school.

Warts and all.

Well, these are the warts.

And they won't to be swept under the carpet any more!

Mr Thompson isn't an inspector.

He's the school's accountant.

What? He's preparing our tax statements.

We're not having an inspection.

Kevin! What?

You told me we'd been booted out cos there was an inspection!

I made it up. Ohh, you fucking nutter!

My office.

Now!

Well, that all went well!

You've got a visitor.

See you tomorrow.

Sweet speech.

What are you doing here? I brought your son in to meet everyone.

MY son, yeah?

Yeah.

MUSIC: The Dam Busters March by Eric Coates

Come!

Subtitles by Ericsson

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0