Original subtitles

So strange. I FEEL different. You know?

As I saw as soon him, as soon as I saw that little fella, I thought,

"Yep, life will never be the same."

The love you feel, it's...

Why are you talking to me?

I've just become a father.

I don't care.

Nor do I. None of us do.

I'm not just a teacher, OK?

This is me opening up a little bit.

Jason, you know. What have I done?

Nothing, I'm just saying I've become a dad.

I shouldn't even be in the behavioural unit! All I did was eat some clay!

All I'm saying is some of you might become parents one day.

No way, I'd get rid. Who'd bang you?

Your dad has. Help me out here.

Come on, you've had a couple of kids. You were looking for me?

Yes.

I would like paternity leave.

No. I'm entitled.

Hardly. You're not in a relationship with the mother

and you live in a retirement village.

Can I have any time off? Tomorrow. Saturday?

Correct.

SHE FARTS

SHE SIGHS

Jackpot.

Late for breakfast as usual, Daniel. Late by your standards, yes.

I don't have to get up at 4am.

But then, neither do you.

You'll need to be here at five o'clock sharp tonight.

We won't wait.

What? It's Ham Saturday!

Honestly, do you ever listen?

Your mother does a ham every last Saturday of the month.

I've already chosen my outfit.

It's a meat night at a retirement village, it's not the Mobos.

Besides, I'll be spending tonight with my son, obviously.

Emma won't want you fussing. She won't want a silly billy

in the way. Poor dear will have a vagina like a stamped bat.

OK. I'm out.

Oh. Carol.

Have I shown you a picture of my child?

Carol?

Oh, Daniel, sorry.

Sergeant Lick has had a bad morning.

I let him out to make watter and he were attacked. What by?

A giant chicken.

I saw it with me own eyes.

It was the size of a turkey, but it were a chicken.

How can such a bird exist?

Do you think you should go somewhere else, rather

than the breakfast area?

If I bring my son to visit, it's not very hygienic, is it?

Oh, but it's just he's very old and he had to be sedated.

This is where he curled up.

Well. I could put him on the big bean bag.

Oh, the conflict is debilitating!

Sorry. Sorry!

You can be so thoughtless!

Sergeant Lick is like a son to her.

Well, I'm an actual dad, but no-one seems interested in that.

You haven't got a clue about parenthood. You long shit.

Goodbye. Five o'clock sharp, for ham, Daniel.

I haven't got time for this. I should be on my fifth travel sweet. One per hour, no chewing.

It'll only take a minute, Brian. Please, just a bit of financial advice.

It's my daughter's birthday.

I need to get there early to make an impact.

She's been up in Scotland a long time and she's beginning to turn.

Some people are gay, Brian. Deal with it.

What? She's six years old. It's her accent, it's becoming...

Scottish.

So? People always change their accents.

What about that time Mickey banged his head? Chinese for a whole year.

I didn't buy that then, I don't buy it now. The man's got attention deficit disorder.

Oh, Brian, please! All right, shut up.

I'm looking. It's a mess.

It's a good system.

Putting stuff in a box labelled "things I don't understand"

is not a system.

Why don't you understand this?

Hello, Brian?

She's dead.

So you don't understand the concept of time?

Ah, good, you brought it.

Reluctantly. I have memories attached to that. All right, Seamus Heaney.

It's a pram, not a lock of your father's hair. Brian's in a grump because his daughter has

gone a wee bit Scotland. Exactly my point.

The word in this country is small. Not wee.

Right. Would anyone like to ask me how I feel about becoming a father?

What's this? No?

Shakira, would you be interested in seeing a video of my new baby?

Would you be interested in seeing one of me pissing in a bin? I see.

Things have really changed.

Even colours seem more vibrant, you know?

Hello!

Oh, my God. Jo!

Yeah.

They're letters from my pen pal, Humrick.

I say pen pal - I don't write back.

Humrick - little bit dull.

Not Humrick, Jo - HMRC - these are tax demands.

Why aren't we talking about me?

I've had a child! I've got to concentrate. Shush!

Jesus Christ.

Fuck, yeah.

You need to drink some more water.

That looks like cloudy honey.

I won't be ignored.

I created life!

Jo, these are dating back to the '90s, you could owe thousands.

We need to get you an accountant.

It's OK. This is good.

It's not good.

I'm freaking the fuck out.

When I get back from Scotland, we'll...

Can't believe it. I can't believe I've had a baby.

Me! You haven't had a baby.

I had a baby.

You were useless.

Hey. It was emotion. Dry retching over a bin, repeatedly saying,

"Here it comes again. This is the one," is not emotion.

Well, I'm Superdad now.

I've remembered the pram.

You're too late. Mum and Dad bought a new one today.

That's nice.

Where's that little smasher?

Hello! Oh...

Hello. Lovely to see you.

He's adorable.

He's really special.

Yeah, he's a one-off.

And I hope this is appropriate.

He's got a lovely penis.

We've brought you some nappies and some flowers.

You should see what he's done with the nursery, he's painted it

from top to bottom.

And what did I find in the loft?

A certain little frock that a certain little girl used to wear!

No!

You!

Oh. Follow the yellow brick road

Follow the yellow brick road

? Follow, follow, follow, follow Follow the yellow brick road. ?

I'm a cowardly lion.

I haven't got a heart. I'm sick as fuck! Ah...

NURSE COUGHS

Hello? Did you not see the sign?

Oh. Oh...

Oh. No, I should...

I should be the one to go.

Well, if you just pop outside for a bit.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm his dad.

I'll take him out for a while.

Sorry, did I say something funny?

The child is a day old.

What were you planning? Take him out bowling?

What did you have in mind? An afternoon on the rifle range?

Why not get him some rollerblades, you stupid bastard?!

Jo.

'Dear Brian. The taxman could be anywhere.

'I've gone off-grid. Is that how you spell grid?

'I've stared at it too long now, it looks weird.

'Grid, grid. Grid. Grid. Grid, grid. Grid. Grid.'

Jo.

Listen, this is ridiculous.

I've looked through the rest of your papers and essentially

you've never existed.

Anyway, I'll help.

Now call me. I need to hit the road in my car

while I'm worried about you.

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

HEAVY SCOTTISH ACCENT: Och, Daddy, I forgot to say just now

I cannae wait to see you at my wee birthday party.

Motherfucker!

SHOUTING

MUSIC: Let Me Be The Man My Daddy Was by The Chi-Lites

Oh, let me be

The man my daddy was

Oh let me be

? The man... ?

Sorry about that, buddy.

He's got a brutal left foot.

I know you. Do you?

You're that bloke that was trying to live in a gym.

I wasn't trying to live in a gym. Yes, you were, you were trying to live in a gym.

What? You living in a pram now? Supposed to be for my son.

You've got a kid? You? Little boy.

Didn't have you pegged as a dad.

Honestly, just being truthful, I thought you were the biggest loser on the earth.

I mean...tried to live in a gym.

Hey! I wasn't trying to live in the gym. Yes, you were,

you were trying to live in the gym.

Well, I am the biggest loser on earth.

Not even allowed to take him out.

What do you mean?

Me and the mum aren't together, so...

This pisses me off. My girl is the same.

She didn't think Dad time matters, but it matters, man.

I had to tell her who Poppa Bear was.

Who is Poppa Bear? I'm Poppa Bear, and you're Poppa Bear.

I'm not Poppa Bear. Not with that attitude.

That's why I started the Dad Club, to give poppas the time they need

with their little cubs.

You want to hang with the Dad pack?

I'd love it. Er...

Tell me you're Poppa Bear. I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it.

I'm Poppa Bear. Bears roar, they don't mew like a pussy.

I'm Poppa Bear. Mean it!

I am Poppa Bear!

Louder. I'M POPPA BEAR!

It's still a no.

I am Poppa Bear. I'm Momma Don't Give A Shit.

Oh.

Look. I know you both know where she is.

She just not show.

She's supposed to be here dressed as the big egg.

Of course she is.

OK.

Mr Crumbs. Mr Crumbs, do you have children?

No. Crumbs only have fish and lizard.

OK. That'll work. What are their names?

Dominic.

What? Both of them?

Sorry, both of them are called Dominic?

The fish and the lizard?

OK.

I'm sure you love Dominic and Dominic very much.

So much. So, so much.

Good.

Well, just imagine someone was stopping you from seeing them.

No!

Why?

Why they stop Crumb from seeing Dominic?

Where are Dominic?

No, no, they're not... Dominic are fine.

I just wanted you to imagine...

Who take Dominic?

WHY? DOMINIC!

Have you any idea at all where she might be?

Well, thank you!

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, Dan. I'm so sorry Sergeant Lick's still here.

I should move him because it's ham night tonight. Oh!

No, you can't... You can leave him, actually, Carol.

I'll watch him for you.

Oh, you are so kind.

You're going to make the best dad in the whole world.

Well...

Take good care of my baby

? Please don't ever make her blue... ?

DOG BARKS

Just tell her that you love her

Make sure you're thinking of her

? In everything you say and do... ?

LAUGHTER

I said, "Lady, do I look like I've got the time to get a haircut?"

""I've got a baby. I'm amazed if I get a chance to wash my balls!"

I know what you mean. I do.

You should have plenty of time, the amount of sleep that kid gets.

Yeah! When are we going to get to meet your little lad?

Hopefully, not today, right, lads? Let them sleep, eh?

You don't want to let him kip too long

because he won't sleep tonight.

Here's the thing. With mine,

he will.

Confident!

Excuse us. Need to see a man about a quiche.

Oh, quiche! Oh!

LAUGHTER

So, he sleeps OK at night, then?

Yeah. Ye-ah! I wish you would share the secret - mine's a nightmare.

Oh! Yeah. How do you get him off?

Oh, I, er...

I sing.

Oh. What do you sing?

You wouldn't know it. Really? What is it?

It's, er...

It's an old Jamaican lullaby.

What? Yeah, when I was travelling I learned it from a wise old woman.

Works a treat.

Bullshit. Not bullshit.

Beautiful.

What's it called?

It's called Under De Coconut Tree.

It's called what? It's called Under De Coconut...

What's all this? Hello, you two!

Dan's going to sing us his song that gets his kid off!

Oh, hey! I'm not!

Come on! Fuck off!

Seriously. Fuck off.

OK, Papa Bear. I want to meet this boy. I'm going to get him up.

No, no, no, no! He needs more sleep.

No, he doesn't. He doesn't need more sleep.

I'm going to get him up.

HIGH-PITCHED REEDY VOICE: Under de coconut tree-ee...

Why is my bay-bee so sleepy?

Because he can hear de sound of the sea

? Lapping by de shore of de coconut tree-eee. ?

BASSO PROFUNDO: Coco-nu-uu-ut!

Hello! Escaped the midwives, then?

Ah, yes, they let me out.

Yeah, they probably just needed the bed.

Oh...

Sorry. Do you want me to put this out?

No, don't you worry. Don't you let the newborn spoil your fag.

Yeah. I'll put it out.

Aw...

He's beautiful, by the way.

Doesn't look at all like his dad.

Yeah. Touch wood.

Don't you touch any wood.

That's what got you into this mess in the first place.

So you haven't seen Dan, have you?

He came by earlier, seemed a bit panicked. No.

I'm worried we might have crowded him out a bit.

Yeah. The hormones can make you act like a bit of a twat.

Cool. See you, then. See you later.

WHISPERS: What the fuck?

LAUGHTER

Bit of a whiff coming from over there.

Yeah, he's a farter, all right.

Whoo! Almost like it needs changing.

The baby that never leaves the pram.

Dan!

What the fuck? Shh!

What are you doing? I've joined Dad Club.

Well, I've just seen Emma with your baby,

so what the fuck is in there?

WHISPERS: Shut up! Oh, my God! Is that a...

I have told you, he's sleeping!

Have you lost your mind?

So you're allowed to see the mystery kid?

Yeah. Dan, have you not let them see the mystery kid?

Well, he needs changing, so we can all see him.

He is a bit smelly, man. Yeah! Come on, Dan!

Yeah, but.. I mean...

Come on, Dan. Come on! Come on!

You can do it. Come on, what's wrong? You can do it!

Come on, Dan! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I think I know my own kid!

For God's sake!

Let's get him changed!

Honestly! Come on.

SPLASH

Ooh! There she goes!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello? I couldn't help notice, you didn't take any nappies in.

So I brought you one.

No, you're all right!

You need a nappy, right?

No.

Why not?

He uses the toilet.

A baby?

Yep. I trained him to use the toilet. So...

Right. Well, when you're done, I'd like to use it.

Yup.

Coming.

FAILS TO FLUSH

WHISPERS: Oh, fuck.

Oh! No!

All done.

Jesus Christ!

Your baby did that?

Yeah.

It's massive.

You did this. No, I didn't.

Bullshit. Not bullshit, baby shit. He's had a bit of malt loaf.

It's bigger than he is!

He goes once a week like a sloth, get over it!

Show me your kid.

No.

Oh...

Ah!

Just taking him out for a bit of air.

Come try this quiche for me. You can really taste the fennel.

Yeah. Back in two ticks.

Thanks for that, you dick!

I'm a dick? What are you playing at?

I just want to belong to something, all right?

The Lipseys have cut me out of my own son's life.

I'm out of the inner circle.

Had to start my own. All right. Calm down.

Let's go and have a pint.

Yeah, all right. Come on. Quick one.

You reckon your son will be OK beside some bins

where dogs clearly piss?

It's not going anywhere. Come on.

Jo, you need to pick up. I should be in Skelton Services by now.

Jo, if I get up there late

and those girls are eating offal and head-butting tourists,

you and I are going to have words!

Sorry I'm no fun on your birthday, darling,

but I spent yesterday playing hide and seek with an Oxbridge twat!

Now I'm a little bit tired. Not a wee bit. A little!

Freedom!

Unbelievable.

No respect at all.

Just leaving it in the middle of the street.

Just relax, Dan, everything's going to be fine.

Thanks.

Honestly, you are an idiot.

Now, get back to your daddy mates, they're missing you.

Yo! Papa Bear!

The others are at Nando's.

They've been given their wooden spoon.

Oh, thanks. I better get the little one home.

Yeah? Where is he?

Oh. He's, er...

Oh, he's gone!

You left him at the side of a pub near some bins? Yeah. I did.

And, yeah, he's gone.

Jesus Christ!

I'm sure he'll be fine. Your baby has been stolen, you fucking nutter!

Or has he? Is there a baby?

Yes, there's a baby.

He's in shock. I'm going to call the police.

There's no need for that. Come on! This must happen all the time.

Christ! Papa Bear!

RADIO: All units, 1057.

Be on the lookout for a distinctive pushchair. Possible abduction.

I'll stop you there, if I may.

Sorry, officer. I'm in a rush.

I can imagine. Your baby?

No. Well...

Kidnappers aren't usually so honest.

Do I look like the sort of person that abducts babies?

Come on, sir!

The moustache, the Farrar slacks, the soft hands.

You look like you've gone as a child snatcher to a fancy dress do.

This is textbook oppression.

In England, our law-enforcers are accountable.

I'll take your number.

I'll ask you to calm down.

I should have known violence wasn't far away, you savage!

Why not finish the job?

Paint your face blue and show me your arse!

No need for profanity, sir.

Right. That's it. I'm going.

Just wait there a wee moment.

The word...is "small"!

Guys. I appreciate your concern.

But I'm sure he'll come home when he's hungry. They always do.

You're talking crazy.

Oh, my God! Up there!

He's still alive! Oh!

BRIAN: I am taking my pram and I am going to Dundee!

Agh!

BUZZING

Oh! Arrggh! Argh! Agh!

AGONISED GASPING

Brian?

Jo? You grassed me!

Jo, my pram!

No!

Uh!

Um...

What the fuck?

I knew it.

Daniel! So you took the ham!

I blamed Sergeant Lick. I've had him destroyed.

This is going to take three hours to cook

and you know we like to eat at five.

? All the times that I've heard... ?

This is Brian Ames. I'm currently unavailable.

Please leave a message after the single tone.

BEEP

Daddy, how long till you get here? I cannae wait to see you.

If they were right I'd agree

But it's them they know, not me

Now there's a way and I know

That I have to go away

I know...

? ..I have to go. ?

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