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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,400
Let's have another look, love.
All right.
2
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,100
Can you feel him kicking, Mum?
3
00:00:08,370 --> 00:00:10,690
Now, I know I'm going on, but,
4
00:00:10,730 --> 00:00:13,930
are you sure you're going to be
OK flying on your own?
5
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,850
I don't have a disease.
I'll be fine.
6
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,930
And we can't pick you up from
the airport?
7
00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:21,130
No, I said I'd let Dan do it.
He was begging, so I gave in.
8
00:00:21,170 --> 00:00:23,770
We got to finally meet this boy
when you're home.
9
00:00:23,810 --> 00:00:25,010
What's he like, Emma?
10
00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:29,050
Dan?
11
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:33,810
What does it take to change the soul
of a man?
12
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:37,610
For a man to truly know himself?
13
00:00:37,650 --> 00:00:39,610
How can he provide for others,
14
00:00:39,650 --> 00:00:43,650
without the visceral sting of
manual labour?
15
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:46,490
He cannot.
16
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:48,770
Talking to yourself again, dickhead?
17
00:00:48,810 --> 00:00:50,610
What time do you call this?
18
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:53,690
The head wanted an afterschool
meeting. It was so boring.
19
00:00:53,730 --> 00:00:57,090
I kept a count of how many times
he said the word "important".
20
00:00:57,130 --> 00:00:59,530
67.
Fuck me.
21
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:02,130
He said there might be something
coming up at the school for you.
22
00:01:02,170 --> 00:01:04,410
Never. I'm not going back.
23
00:01:04,450 --> 00:01:07,170
I'm at one with the land.
You at one with 2.50 an hour?
24
00:01:07,210 --> 00:01:09,530
3.50 an hour, cash in hand.
25
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,210
And anyway, I've worked out
a system.
26
00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:13,570
I pretend I'm planting that bag of
seeds over there,
27
00:01:13,610 --> 00:01:16,290
and when the boss isn't looking,
I hoy 'em in that chicken shed
28
00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:19,890
and I let those despicable feathered
cunts gobble up the evidence.
29
00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:21,250
Impressive!
30
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:24,450
I was so flighty when Emma
went away. So fickle!
31
00:01:24,490 --> 00:01:25,930
Now she's going to come back,
32
00:01:25,970 --> 00:01:29,970
and she's going to find just a
hard-working, wholesome family guy.
33
00:01:30,130 --> 00:01:32,610
You're not a family.
You're not even a couple.
34
00:01:32,650 --> 00:01:33,770
Yet.
35
00:01:33,810 --> 00:01:37,090
When she sees who I've become,
it won't be long before...
36
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:41,130
Oh!
37
00:01:41,690 --> 00:01:44,450
I can't believe my mum almost
threw this away when she moved out.
38
00:01:44,490 --> 00:01:46,290
I used to stare at this for hours.
39
00:01:46,330 --> 00:01:48,490
You know there's a game in that box.
40
00:01:48,530 --> 00:01:51,890
It's not about the game.
Look how happy this family is!
41
00:01:51,930 --> 00:01:54,330
Look how nice their house is!
42
00:01:54,370 --> 00:01:57,690
I used to be so jealous of them.
43
00:01:57,730 --> 00:02:01,130
Now I think that life might be
obtainable.
44
00:02:01,170 --> 00:02:03,530
I think I've turned the Twister box
family corner.
45
00:02:03,570 --> 00:02:05,610
Hey!
46
00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:07,410
Hey! How do, John?
47
00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:11,010
What's enough for ya?
Do some work, you fat shit!
48
00:02:11,050 --> 00:02:12,650
This country banter, I love it.
49
00:02:12,690 --> 00:02:13,730
Work!
50
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:16,450
Let me know when you want me
to sort a meeting with the Head.
51
00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:20,290
I'll set the dog on you, you
fat-titted plank!
52
00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:21,890
How earthy the humour,
isn't it?
53
00:02:21,930 --> 00:02:24,250
I'll do it! I fucking mean it!
54
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:26,170
Yeah, yeah!
55
00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,610
Bye, Dan. Hey!
56
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:32,650
Yeah, yeah!
57
00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:57,410
Yes, I know it's a long way for them
to come.
58
00:02:57,450 --> 00:02:59,970
Yes, he'll be gone soon.
59
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:04,010
No, he doesn't pay rent.
He's a mate.
60
00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:09,170
I know! Just tell them they have to
come down.
61
00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:13,610
Because I'm their dad!
62
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:18,570
Christ, Dan.
63
00:03:19,890 --> 00:03:23,890
Oh, my God!
64
00:03:26,530 --> 00:03:30,530
Fresh Prince Of Bel Air umbrella,
a Nokia,
65
00:03:30,650 --> 00:03:32,890
and a Guns N' Roses belt buckle.
66
00:03:32,930 --> 00:03:34,530
What have these things got in
common?
67
00:03:34,570 --> 00:03:36,290
They're all still for sale in Wales.
68
00:03:36,330 --> 00:03:38,970
No, they're all from the lost
property office down at the station.
69
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,890
They haven't been claimed in
six weeks, so they are now mine.
70
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,370
Best job I've ever had!
71
00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,210
I'm making a killing after hours.
72
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,930
Special offer at the moment -
73
00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:50,490
Free sets of keys with every pair
of sunglasses. Interested?
74
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:53,330
No.
75
00:03:53,370 --> 00:03:55,010
A cot.
76
00:03:55,050 --> 00:03:56,930
"A cot", to you, Brian.
77
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,450
His language is so fancy.
78
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:01,290
I found a cot in the spare room.
79
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:03,010
Please don't tell me you are
thinking of
80
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:05,930
moving a heavily
pregnant woman into my flat.
81
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,290
Just for a little bit.
82
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:09,930
I can't persuade the girls to visit
until you've gone.
83
00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:12,130
God! You make me tired all over!
84
00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,330
They love their Uncle Dan!
85
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:15,410
You steal their sweets.
They steal my yogurts!
86
00:04:15,450 --> 00:04:17,730
My yogurts! Three weeks till she's
here, Dan.
87
00:04:17,770 --> 00:04:19,210
Plenty of time to find a place.
88
00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:20,610
Three weeks, and you're gone.
89
00:04:20,650 --> 00:04:23,770
No more!
90
00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:25,650
My God!
91
00:04:25,690 --> 00:04:27,050
It's all about him, isn't it?
92
00:04:27,090 --> 00:04:29,930
He misses his kids, Dan.
Why?! He's had them for ages!
93
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,450
Mine's going to be new.
94
00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:33,010
And he can talk to them
on the phone!
95
00:04:33,050 --> 00:04:35,210
And what's the point of her keeping
a baby in her flat?
96
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:36,890
You can put it in a shoe box.
97
00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:39,130
Hey, Shakira. Did you know Dan's
going to be a dad?
98
00:04:39,170 --> 00:04:40,330
Good luck, they're pricks.
99
00:04:40,370 --> 00:04:43,130
You never mentioned you had kids!
Where are they?
100
00:04:43,170 --> 00:04:44,650
One dead, one in France.
101
00:04:44,690 --> 00:04:45,850
Simple.
102
00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:49,890
Have you ever seen a kid
get born? No.
103
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,050
You need to get a flat quick, Dan.
104
00:05:11,090 --> 00:05:13,370
Emma's going to need somewhere
to rest that fanny.
105
00:05:13,410 --> 00:05:15,970
Yeah. I got three weeks.
106
00:05:16,010 --> 00:05:17,530
Piece of piss.
107
00:05:17,570 --> 00:05:20,810
TV: Marjorie and Derek have a
three-bed semi in Croydon...
108
00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:22,490
And it's Porcelli!
109
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,930
Jesus Christ!
110
00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:26,130
VACUUM CLEANER RUNS
111
00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:28,810
HE FARTS
112
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:31,330
Can you turn it down?
113
00:05:31,370 --> 00:05:35,370
WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV
114
00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:40,010
HE FARTS
115
00:05:40,050 --> 00:05:42,170
HE FARTS AGAIN
116
00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:46,210
Fucking hell!
117
00:05:50,690 --> 00:05:54,690
Hi!
118
00:05:58,330 --> 00:06:02,050
He says I need three grand.
Who does? The estate agent!
119
00:06:02,090 --> 00:06:04,570
He claims I have to give him
three grand in advance.
120
00:06:04,610 --> 00:06:06,850
That's a modern-day scandal.
I'm going to the papers!
121
00:06:06,890 --> 00:06:07,970
No, it's standard.
122
00:06:08,010 --> 00:06:10,650
You wouldn't know because, up until
now, your life has been free.
123
00:06:10,690 --> 00:06:13,050
Hey! I haven't got time for your
sanctimonious air guitar.
124
00:06:13,090 --> 00:06:16,170
I'm picking Emma up tonight,
and I'm effectively homeless.
125
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,330
It's time for Walnut Face
to pay the ferry man.
126
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:20,650
Your mother?
127
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:23,290
Too long I have sat by
and watched her and Nesta
128
00:06:23,330 --> 00:06:24,970
piss my inheritance up the wall.
129
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,770
Private retirement village,
my long, stinky plums!
130
00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:29,370
I'm out of money.
131
00:06:29,410 --> 00:06:32,330
And I shall take
it with the ruthlessness of a lion.
132
00:06:32,370 --> 00:06:34,210
I'm up for a bit of that action!
133
00:06:34,250 --> 00:06:35,730
Also, like a lion.
134
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,090
Vintage gear for vintage clientele.
135
00:06:38,130 --> 00:06:40,010
MUSIC: Blackpool Rock
by George Formby
136
00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:43,610
# Every year when summer
comes 'round
137
00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:47,290
# Off to the sea I go
138
00:06:47,330 --> 00:06:50,610
? I don't care if I do spend
a pound... ?
139
00:06:50,650 --> 00:06:53,730
Look at this place.
It costs a bloody fortune.
140
00:06:53,770 --> 00:06:56,370
It's designed to drain money from
these gullible husks.
141
00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:58,130
I think it's lovely!
142
00:06:58,170 --> 00:06:59,850
I'm going to make a killing here.
143
00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:02,570
This is full of massive
old lady blouses,
144
00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:05,490
and your mum said M&S has gone
right off the boil.
145
00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:07,490
Yeah, that's just old lady talk.
146
00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:10,650
They all moan about M&S. They won't
buy their blouses anywhere else.
147
00:07:10,690 --> 00:07:14,690
God, I despise their
tedious rhetoric!
148
00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:19,450
Hello, Carol.
149
00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:20,530
SHE SCREAMS
150
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,650
Oh, you gave me quite a start.
151
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:24,010
Sorry. Is Mum about?
152
00:07:24,050 --> 00:07:25,970
I'm always jumping out of me skin,
me.
153
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:29,370
Me father says I'm like a flipping
Jack-in-the-Box! Oh, dear.
154
00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:30,770
An irritating Jack-in-the-Box
155
00:07:30,810 --> 00:07:32,850
who needs a bloody good whack with a
plank! Right.
156
00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,130
Back of the head crack with a
big old builder's plank!
157
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:39,170
"That'll stop you twitching,"
he says!
158
00:07:42,490 --> 00:07:43,730
Is Mum about?
159
00:07:43,770 --> 00:07:45,450
Oh, she's having a snooker lesson.
160
00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:47,450
What? Snooker?
161
00:07:47,490 --> 00:07:50,010
Lesson? In snooker?
162
00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,490
How much is that costing?
163
00:07:51,530 --> 00:07:53,850
I don't know, it's not part of the
diamond package.
164
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:57,890
Yeah, they pay extra!
I'll bet they do.
165
00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:01,930
Oh, dear! Carol, why do I always
make everyone so cross? Why?
166
00:08:08,450 --> 00:08:12,130
What's all this bullshit?
Daniel! Whee!
167
00:08:12,170 --> 00:08:14,010
Why are you having
snooker lessons?
168
00:08:14,050 --> 00:08:16,490
You haven't got the upper body
strength to wear a heavy coat!
169
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,930
It was on the activities board.
170
00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:19,250
They send pros in.
171
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,490
Bastards! They'll be charging a
fortune!
172
00:08:21,530 --> 00:08:24,730
Oh, no, we don't notice the money,
dear. It gets direct debited.
173
00:08:24,770 --> 00:08:28,250
Wait till you see what I've made you
in knitting class!
174
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,210
And who runs knitting class?
175
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:31,890
Jeff fucking Banks?
176
00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:34,370
Daniel, this place is wonderful.
177
00:08:34,410 --> 00:08:37,610
It's been a new lease of life for
your mother and me.
178
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:40,690
Do you know I took a falconry lesson
last week?
179
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:43,650
And you know, those birds, they have
a certain warmth about them?
180
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:44,890
I mean, this time last year,
181
00:08:44,930 --> 00:08:47,130
I would have blown one out of the
sky as soon as look at it.
182
00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:51,050
Oh! Here comes Granny!
183
00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:54,370
What's that? It's for the baby!
Your mother knitted it.
184
00:08:54,410 --> 00:08:56,490
Why's it got Simon Bridges written
on it?
185
00:08:56,530 --> 00:08:58,810
Well, I don't know what you're going
to call it, do I?
186
00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:01,450
So, I guessed! You know my surname.
187
00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:03,290
It's your surname.
188
00:09:03,330 --> 00:09:05,770
Yes, but we don't know what the
modern situation is with Emma,
189
00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:07,610
and whose name the baby will take.
190
00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:10,610
Her name is Lipsey,
which you also know!
191
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:12,850
Well, I went for something neutral.
192
00:09:12,890 --> 00:09:15,530
OK. I mean, your brain's
folding in on itself.
193
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:16,810
Don't you like it?
194
00:09:16,850 --> 00:09:20,770
Daniel! Your mother is so excited
about this baby.
195
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,970
She spent a whole week making that!
196
00:09:23,010 --> 00:09:25,370
She's got calluses the size of
marrowfat peas!
197
00:09:25,410 --> 00:09:27,250
Daniel, when does Emma get back?
198
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:29,650
See, I thought I could come around
to your new flat,
199
00:09:29,690 --> 00:09:32,290
and boil wash everything!
200
00:09:32,330 --> 00:09:33,410
I love washing!
201
00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:35,450
She does. She was bred for it.
202
00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:38,530
But, you know, I don't think this
deal with Emma is done yet, Daniel.
203
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:40,850
When a doe has the seed of one stag,
204
00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:43,210
it doesn't mean to say that she'll
stay with him for life.
205
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,450
In fact, if anything, she'll howl
for the rest of them
206
00:09:45,490 --> 00:09:47,450
to make sure the job is done
properly.
207
00:09:47,490 --> 00:09:50,690
It's a sort of venison bukkake,
and she's the star.
208
00:09:50,730 --> 00:09:52,810
Thank you, Nesta!
209
00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:56,850
I need my share of the
house money, and fast.
210
00:09:58,210 --> 00:10:00,730
What was that glance?
There was no glance, Daniel.
211
00:10:00,770 --> 00:10:03,090
I saw a glance.
212
00:10:03,130 --> 00:10:05,010
He said it was best.
213
00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:08,810
What?
214
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:11,010
A trust fund? A trust fund.
215
00:10:11,050 --> 00:10:12,170
A trust fund?
216
00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:14,130
Who for? Who do you think? The baby.
217
00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,370
Judas!
218
00:10:15,410 --> 00:10:17,330
It wasn't Brian's idea, love.
219
00:10:17,370 --> 00:10:19,490
He just helped us to get it sorted.
220
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:23,530
My pleasure.
My God, I despise you sometimes.
221
00:10:23,730 --> 00:10:25,970
How can anyone look like both
members of Hall and Oates
222
00:10:26,010 --> 00:10:27,170
simultaneously?
223
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,770
It was the right thing to do!
224
00:10:28,810 --> 00:10:29,970
With your track record,
225
00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:31,730
the money would have disappeared
faster
226
00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:35,290
than a coked up prostitute's finger
up a married banker's anus!
227
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:37,210
Right! Where are you going?
228
00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,650
Where do you think I'm going?
I'm going to get it reversed!
229
00:10:39,690 --> 00:10:41,130
You can't get it reversed.
230
00:10:41,170 --> 00:10:45,170
Oh, Daniel, I just wanted to make
sure he was looked after.
231
00:10:46,050 --> 00:10:47,690
You can have my pension!
232
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,010
Polly, the boy has to stand on his
own two feet!
233
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,490
When a boar has ridden a sow,
he doesn't just...
234
00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:56,490
Nesta, I am going to the bank,
I'm going to get it reversed,
235
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:59,530
then I'm picking up the keys to
my new flat, getting Emma,
236
00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:02,170
and we're going to have a
Twister box family!
237
00:11:02,210 --> 00:11:04,600
Jesus Christ! Sorry!
238
00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:08,490
You can't reverse a trust fund
you didn't set up.
239
00:11:08,530 --> 00:11:10,090
Oh, come on!
240
00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:13,410
It's for my son! Still can't do it.
241
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:17,130
OK, Jenny.
242
00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:18,850
We're not so different, you and I.
243
00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:22,450
I actually did think when I came in,
I mean...
244
00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:24,050
HE CLICKS
245
00:11:24,090 --> 00:11:25,850
What's that?
We look a bit alike.
246
00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,690
No, we don't. We do a bit.
I don't think we do.
247
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,410
There's something there.
You're a bloke!
248
00:11:29,450 --> 00:11:31,570
Yeah, I'm not saying
you're not pretty.
249
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:34,010
OK. You're a pretty me.
250
00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:35,770
Now, reverse it.
251
00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:37,050
No. Reverse it, please.
252
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:38,530
Can't do it. Reverse the trust fund.
253
00:11:38,570 --> 00:11:40,210
Next! Reverse the trust fund,
pretty me.
254
00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:44,250
Next! Ohhhh!
255
00:11:50,130 --> 00:11:53,770
And based on your assumption
that your grandson's university fees will be...
256
00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:57,290
I wouldn't trust him! He'll see
his own friend homeless for profit!
257
00:11:57,330 --> 00:12:00,810
Your mother was worried that
you would blow the money on cider and pasties,
258
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:04,490
and that is the thought process
of a perfectly sound mind.
259
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,130
Sound mind?
260
00:12:06,170 --> 00:12:09,170
You've inadvertently given
me the solution,
261
00:12:09,210 --> 00:12:11,090
you Victorian-faced traitor!
262
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:15,130
Oh, dear old woman,
prepare to be outmanoeuvred.
263
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:17,690
There you are,
you soggy bag of piss!
264
00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:19,570
What are you doing here?
How did you find me?
265
00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,610
Look at the size of this chicken!
266
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:22,810
What's that got to do with me?
267
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:24,890
I found the seed,
you useless lazy shit!
268
00:12:24,930 --> 00:12:26,690
You made me chickens massive!
269
00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:29,410
So you're fired!
Here's your severance pay!
270
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,290
Ohhh!
271
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:34,010
My fucking nose!
272
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:38,050
It turns out my mother's insane, so
I'm going to need you to reverse it.
273
00:12:40,330 --> 00:12:42,170
Look, I didn't do it on purpose.
274
00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:43,450
What do you mean?
275
00:12:43,490 --> 00:12:44,730
Oh, come on, Jenny.
276
00:12:44,770 --> 00:12:47,290
I made that big song and dance about
you and me looking the same.
277
00:12:47,330 --> 00:12:49,610
Now it looks like I've been away
and fucked my own nose up.
278
00:12:49,650 --> 00:12:52,410
Are you saying I've got a big nose?
No! You are!
279
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,130
The two don't compare, Jenny.
280
00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:57,330
I got a massive chicken thrown
at mine, yours is... What?
281
00:12:57,370 --> 00:13:01,250
Natural. What?! Jenny, I'm not
saying you've got a big nose!
282
00:13:01,290 --> 00:13:03,770
Sounds like you're saying
she's got a big snout, like.
283
00:13:03,810 --> 00:13:07,810
How about you mind your own
business, When The Boat Comes In?
284
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,650
Jenny, you've got to help me.
She's mad.
285
00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:10,890
This isn't even my kid's name!
286
00:13:10,930 --> 00:13:14,930
Next! Jenny!
287
00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:19,650
Of course your mother is
sound of mind.
288
00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:22,530
Danny, you didn't drag Dr Baxter
here for this?
289
00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:25,930
Look, we all know she's insane.
Just give me a note, and I'll be on my way.
290
00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:29,970
Daniel, the only thing wrong
with your mother is a light urinary tract infection.
291
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,290
How is it, Polly?
292
00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:34,250
Fine. You told me it was like
pissing wasps.
293
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:35,970
You said that, Nester.
294
00:13:36,010 --> 00:13:38,210
Your rictus grin is your tell.
295
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,970
Well, if this doesn't work,
you're for the knacker's yard.
296
00:13:41,010 --> 00:13:42,890
It's not even for humans, this drug.
297
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:45,210
Oh, my God, you're all mad.
298
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:47,690
Now, which room is Tony Pleech in?
299
00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,530
His prolapse is out again.
300
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:50,810
I'll show you.
301
00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:54,850
I'm playing bowls with Pleech later,
I don't want him oiling out of it.
302
00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:58,650
Look, Daniel, I thought I was doing
the right thing.
303
00:13:58,690 --> 00:14:01,970
I need money, you withered Borrower!
304
00:14:02,010 --> 00:14:04,690
Look, I found this.
305
00:14:04,730 --> 00:14:08,730
It's your old bank savings account
from when you were a little boy.
306
00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:12,130
It might have accumulated
lots of interest.
307
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:16,170
Well, you had better hope so.
308
00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:18,290
Bad nan. I'm not a bad nan.
309
00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:22,330
You're a bad nan!
310
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:24,850
Dan, oh, Daniel!
311
00:14:24,890 --> 00:14:26,890
Carol, I'm in a bit of a hurry,
all right?
312
00:14:26,930 --> 00:14:29,290
So sorry, just had a thought, sorry.
313
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:30,650
It's all right, go on.
314
00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:34,690
I shouldn't say, but Mr Bennington
in chalet five passed away,
315
00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:38,410
God rest him,
and no-one's taken the room.
316
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,090
Well, I have a master key.
317
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,330
Carol, that's very sweet,
318
00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:45,370
but I'm not going to live in
a retirement village, all right?
319
00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:48,050
SHE GIGGLES
320
00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,930
TRUCK DOOR CLOSES
321
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:51,730
Oh, my God!
322
00:14:51,770 --> 00:14:54,490
Dennis Taylor?!
You're the snooker pro?!
323
00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:57,610
Yes. What's the matter, did you not
make enough money in the '80s?
324
00:14:57,650 --> 00:15:00,050
What?
325
00:15:00,090 --> 00:15:01,930
Everything all right, Dennis?
326
00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:04,650
Oh, my God! Trevor Nelson!
327
00:15:04,690 --> 00:15:06,170
What are you doing here?!
328
00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:09,690
Well, Nelson and Taylor
Drum and Baize Lessons.
329
00:15:09,730 --> 00:15:11,130
You got a problem with that?
330
00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:12,650
Well, I think it's a shit name,
331
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:15,370
and I think it's pretty weird
that you're working together.
332
00:15:15,410 --> 00:15:18,690
But my main problem is, you're
stealing my fucking inheritance!
333
00:15:18,730 --> 00:15:20,530
Oh, dear.
334
00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:24,570
Dennis does not like people
with bad manners.
335
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:35,730
Christ!
336
00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:38,090
Jo, I need a new shirt.
337
00:15:38,130 --> 00:15:40,410
Er, that is all I have left.
338
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:41,650
HE GASPS
339
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,530
You must have something else!
340
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:45,610
What's wrong with you?
341
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:48,330
Look, it's a coincidence, all right?
342
00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:50,570
It's the same blouse!
It isn't!
343
00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:53,930
I think you'll find
mine enjoys a ruffled neck.
344
00:15:53,970 --> 00:15:56,290
It's basically the same
garment, like.
345
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:59,250
Here again, For On The Tyne?
346
00:15:59,290 --> 00:16:03,290
Jenny, I'd like a balance
on this account, please.
347
00:16:05,970 --> 00:16:07,850
These signatures don't look
the same.
348
00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:10,410
Jenny, I had to sign for this
when I was nine years of age!
349
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:13,610
My signature's moved on a bit.
350
00:16:13,650 --> 00:16:15,010
Fine.
351
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:19,050
I'll pop over here and practise.
352
00:16:19,410 --> 00:16:20,690
Excuse me.
353
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:23,250
You'll have to join the back of
the queue when you've done that.
354
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:25,170
No, no. We're mid-transaction.
355
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,050
They're right! Back of the queue!
356
00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:29,810
Oh, right! You're happy to help
this dickhead, though, aren't you?
357
00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:33,130
He needs help. Why? Because
he doesn't look like you?
358
00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:34,330
No, because...
359
00:16:34,370 --> 00:16:36,930
I cannot read!
360
00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:40,970
How could you?
361
00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:45,610
Left home? Too right.
362
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:48,210
Restocking this box and coming
straight back down here.
363
00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:50,410
Great! So work rather than home?
364
00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:51,930
Both.
365
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:53,810
Eh?
366
00:16:53,850 --> 00:16:56,410
Oh, Jo. You can't live here.
367
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,570
For God's sake, where do you sleep?
368
00:16:58,610 --> 00:17:00,250
What, I thought you'd love it.
369
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:01,890
I sleep on the desk...
370
00:17:01,930 --> 00:17:05,610
And Mickey...
371
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,490
Yes. Hello, Mickey.
372
00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:09,450
Mr Crumbs just stands
in the corner.
373
00:17:09,490 --> 00:17:11,170
Who's Mr Crumbs?
374
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:13,250
Brian, he's one of my best friends.
375
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:14,810
He once held his breath for an hour.
376
00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:17,930
Jo, you can't live in a fucking
lost property storage room,
377
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:21,970
with a shelf-dwelling Hobbit
and a man whose only achievement is starving himself of oxygen!
378
00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:31,770
Get your stuff.
379
00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:33,610
You can stay at mine for a while.
380
00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:34,930
A short while.
381
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,610
But what about your kids?
382
00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:40,450
Another week or two won't do
any harm.
383
00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:44,370
Pushing in. Some of us have got
lives to get on with, you know?
384
00:17:44,410 --> 00:17:47,170
I am trying not to be homeless here.
385
00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:50,130
Unless you're all so urgent
about a bag of coppers anyway!
386
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,850
Who says I've got a bag of coppers?
387
00:17:51,890 --> 00:17:53,690
We can all hear you jingling.
388
00:17:53,730 --> 00:17:57,050
You'd better not have. It's none of
your business what I'm queuing for.
389
00:17:57,090 --> 00:17:59,130
It's a bag of coppers!
390
00:17:59,170 --> 00:18:03,050
Right then, let's see what's in
this little nest egg, shall we?
391
00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:06,250
I'm sorry it took me so long.
392
00:18:06,290 --> 00:18:10,290
I haven't done bubble writing
in a while.
393
00:18:12,570 --> 00:18:15,890
?63.
394
00:18:15,930 --> 00:18:17,370
Again, please.
395
00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:19,650
?63.
396
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:22,490
Jesus Christ!
397
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:26,210
What the fuck am I going to do
with ?63?
398
00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:27,530
Look at me!
399
00:18:27,570 --> 00:18:30,330
I've got a baby on the way, Jenny!
400
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:34,370
How am I going to have a Twister box
family with 63 fucking quid?!
401
00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:38,410
Fuck! Mate!
402
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,570
Jenny!
403
00:18:40,610 --> 00:18:44,290
Fuck! You've gone completely mad!
Jenny!
404
00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:47,770
THEY CONTINUE SHOUTING
405
00:18:47,810 --> 00:18:51,810
What is all this fuss?!
406
00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:55,410
Help me...
407
00:18:55,450 --> 00:18:57,650
And you've nowhere to live?
408
00:18:57,690 --> 00:18:59,090
No.
409
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:01,370
My friend won't let
the baby stay, sir.
410
00:19:01,410 --> 00:19:03,530
Having a baby is a huge commitment.
411
00:19:03,570 --> 00:19:06,170
Probably not sensible to live
in a shared house.
412
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:07,970
What does your girlfriend think?
413
00:19:08,010 --> 00:19:10,170
She doesn't even know.
She's been away.
414
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:12,490
I'm supposed to pick her up
from the airport today!
415
00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:16,530
But how can I?!
416
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:17,690
Sorry.
417
00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:21,730
It's just, we can't have a Twister
box family when I'm in this mess.
418
00:19:22,570 --> 00:19:25,410
HE CRIES AND GAGS
419
00:19:25,450 --> 00:19:29,450
All right, let me see what I can do.
420
00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:45,530
Here's what I can do for you.
421
00:19:45,570 --> 00:19:47,410
We're going to open you
a new account.
422
00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:50,810
And...I probably shouldn't
do this, but...
423
00:19:50,850 --> 00:19:54,570
I'm going to put a ?3,000 overdraft
on it so you can rent a place.
424
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,410
You would do that for me?
425
00:19:56,450 --> 00:19:58,850
Yes, I will. Just need to get
the form filled out,
426
00:19:58,890 --> 00:20:00,450
and then you can go and pick her up.
427
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:04,490
It's probably a bit late to rent
a flat now, but a nice hotel maybe?
428
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:06,810
You are so kind.
429
00:20:06,850 --> 00:20:10,850
Oh, yes, I have a daughter
who's about to give birth,
430
00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:14,250
and she knows what it's like
to have an unreliable father.
431
00:20:14,290 --> 00:20:17,250
She's been in America
working out her notice,
432
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:19,770
and she doesn't hold out much hope
433
00:20:19,810 --> 00:20:23,490
that this Dan character
has sorted anything out.
434
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:26,250
So what's the name?
435
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:30,290
GASPS
436
00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:33,130
It's Bintu.
437
00:20:33,170 --> 00:20:34,290
Bintu?
438
00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:36,010
Bintu. Bintu.
439
00:20:36,050 --> 00:20:40,050
OK, and the surname?
440
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:47,450
Bombatu.
441
00:20:48,090 --> 00:20:52,090
Bintu Bombatu?
442
00:20:52,930 --> 00:20:54,970
OK. Can I have a look
at your deposit slip?
443
00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:59,010
You know what?
I think I'm all right.
444
00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:00,770
Daniel Davis.
445
00:21:00,810 --> 00:21:02,570
GROANS
446
00:21:02,610 --> 00:21:04,010
You're Dan.
447
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:07,450
So, if you'll excuse me,
I'd better dash.
448
00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:09,170
Better pick Emma up
from the airport.
449
00:21:09,210 --> 00:21:11,770
Don't want to keep her waiting.
You know what she's like.
450
00:21:11,810 --> 00:21:14,570
Well, that would be a wasted trip,
young man.
451
00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:18,610
What?
452
00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:20,730
Hello.
453
00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:24,770
Oh! Hey, I got your bag.
Oh, let's get you in the car.
454
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,650
No! This time yesterday.
455
00:21:27,690 --> 00:21:31,530
She waited for three hours
before she called us.
456
00:21:31,570 --> 00:21:35,370
That's a bad start.
457
00:21:35,410 --> 00:21:38,090
There we go, should be enough space.
458
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,490
Rules of the house -
all of which Dan ignored -
459
00:21:40,530 --> 00:21:43,250
if you enjoy toast, there is
a crumb brush under the counter.
460
00:21:43,290 --> 00:21:45,210
I, and I alone,
stack the dishwasher.
461
00:21:45,250 --> 00:21:48,410
If you use the toilet for anything
more substantial than... KNOCK ON DOOR
462
00:21:48,450 --> 00:21:52,450
They took their time.
463
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:56,010
Hi guys, come on in!
464
00:21:56,050 --> 00:21:59,370
You are so kind, Brian.
465
00:21:59,410 --> 00:22:03,410
I only meant YOU could stay, Jo.
Oh.
466
00:22:03,730 --> 00:22:05,930
Mr Crumbs, I presume?
467
00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:09,970
I am Mr Crumbs.
468
00:22:11,970 --> 00:22:13,570
One week...max.
469
00:22:13,610 --> 00:22:15,850
Thanks, Brian!
470
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:17,290
Where's Dan going to live?
471
00:22:17,330 --> 00:22:21,330
He's got a plan B, apparently.
472
00:22:23,890 --> 00:22:25,450
This is it?
473
00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:26,610
Yeah.
474
00:22:26,650 --> 00:22:27,970
Yeah, this is it.
475
00:22:28,010 --> 00:22:29,890
I'm all set.
476
00:22:29,930 --> 00:22:31,010
So, Emma's...
477
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:33,810
Oh, she's just going to stay
with her folks for a while,
478
00:22:33,850 --> 00:22:35,610
just to touch base.
479
00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:38,250
And then, you know...
480
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:41,450
..we're playing it modern, loose.
481
00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:45,490
It's all cool.
482
00:22:45,730 --> 00:22:49,730
Thanks.
483
00:22:54,370 --> 00:22:55,490
Bye.
484
00:22:55,530 --> 00:22:58,250
Bye.
485
00:22:58,290 --> 00:23:02,290
MUSIC: Home by Edward Sharpe
and the Magnetic Zeros
486
00:23:07,850 --> 00:23:09,530
# Ah, home
487
00:23:09,570 --> 00:23:12,690
# Let me go home
488
00:23:12,730 --> 00:23:16,450
# Home is wherever I'm with you
489
00:23:16,490 --> 00:23:18,130
# Ah, home
490
00:23:18,170 --> 00:23:21,210
# Let me go home
491
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:25,250
# Home is wherever I'm with you
492
00:23:30,090 --> 00:23:34,090
# Hey!
493
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:39,250
# Hey!
494
00:23:39,290 --> 00:23:40,770
# Home
495
00:23:40,810 --> 00:23:43,290
# Let me come home
496
00:23:43,330 --> 00:23:46,010
? Home is wherever I'm with you... ?
497
00:23:46,060 --> 00:23:50,610
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