Original subtitles

What's this? Nothing to do with you. It's got my name on it.

Adoption certificate?!

JAUNTY THEME TUNE

Blimey, this sounds like the worst day out of all time.

Steam museums, country walks... You'll bore your friends shitless.

They're not my friends. As I've tried to explain countless times,

they are my children. "My children!"

It's like he owns you, innit, girls? I do own them. I created them.

Yeah. They're robots. You built them in your mad shed,

did you, Professor Plinkplonk?

I need a wee. What a surprise(!) Take your sister to the toilet.

Do I have to? Yes, and hurry up!

We've got a lot to cram in today. I don't want to go to a boring museum.

Come on, then.

I dunno what the hell's wrong with that child. Brian,

you're going to the library later. Books aren't for the weekend.

They're a last resort. Why aren't you in your shop?

Isn't Saturday your busiest day? Never mind about me.

What we gonna do with these girls?

Maybe we could go to the pub for a couple of cheeky gins.

I didn't wanna be this direct, but I'm going to ask you.

Do you know what a child is? DOOR BANGS

Well, you're not gonna believe this. Here we go.

Adopted? Adopted? Adopted!

All these years! I knew something wasn't right.

I told you! I told you I didn't belong in that weird family.

AH, GOD, I'M LOST! Oi!

There you are! We've been looking for you all night!

Why would you be worried about me? You're not my mother.

You stayed out all night! Not my business,

but if you'd been my lad, I'd have run you over

and fed your shattered body to the crows.

Well, do it! You may well BE my dad for all I know.

Or did you use a sperm donor?

Daniel! Oh, your dad would be so upset to hear you say that.

He had more than enough sperm!

Too much, in many ways. You've got the wrong end of the stick,

as usual! You are not adopted. What?

Well, tell him, Polly.

We TRIED to have you adopted.

You...tried?!

Yes. Your dad and I were very young,

and we found a couple, but they...

They gave you back. HE GASPS

Could I say something?

I think...that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard.

ALL EXCEPT DAN SNORT WITH LAUGHTER

ALL LAUGH

THEY CONTINUE TO ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Lucy!

LAUGHTER STOPS

ENGINE COUGHS Daniel! Don't be so silly.

What does it matter? ENGINE MISFIRES

Come on, Dan! It's good news. You're not adopted.

Yeah, but now I'm gonna be haunted, aren't I?

What would my life have been like with them?

I have to ask them, Jo. Dan, you just have to let that go.

It's like my mum always says, why ask what shape the world is?

It doesn't matter. It's just one of those things we will never know.

I've got their address, though. They live in Southend.

No way! I've never been to the seaside!

Girls! Fancy ditching him and going to the seaside?

BOTH: Yeah! No! Absolutely not!

Yes! We're going to the seaside, we're going to the seaside!

It's round, by the way.

The world.

CHILDREN CONTINUE TO SHOUT

I mean, what's the damn point? You're going to America soon.

To right wrongs, of course.

Don't you see? I've got the wrong destiny.

I can't go away without finding out what might have been.

All I see is your insanity ruining my day.

Well, the kids don't seem too upset about it.

It's almost as if they'd rather go

to the seaside than have their own father murder-bore them!

I know what this is about, you know.

I know why you don't wanna go to the seaside. Say it.

Say it! I will not tolerate sand in this vehicle, all right?

I just won't! Thank you.

Got boyfriends? BOTH: No.

Don't leave it too long. Your biological clocks are ticking.

I'm only four. My pet guinea pig had 14 kids by the time she was two.

Think on! Lucy, you're very short, but you can cheat that.

Two words - hairspray, back-combing. Get the hair big,

accessorise with whatever you can get your hands on,

your scrunchies, your clips, your corsages.

A fascinator made of tinfoil. Better than being ignored.

They're children!

I need a wee. Absolutely no chance! We're only an hour away.

Brian, we both know my bladder.

You throwing numbers at it will only make it panic.

I need a wee, too! Now look what you've done! Urine dominoes.

Well, I'm not taking her.

Please tell me you're not reverse-parking.

You'll thank me later. Brian, you're the high priest of boring.

Come on! Quick as you like!

Oh! Whoa-whoa-whoa there, Ian Beale! Is there a problem?

There is. You're not going into the girls' toilets!

I'm taking my daughter in. You're not, I'm afraid. It's not right.

What - a single parent accompanying a minor into the restroom?

You're not a female! If you'd like to go through gender reassignment,

I'll be delighted to give you access.

This is ridiculous. Ridiculous? I'll tell you what's ridiculous.

Having to wake up at 4:00 AM to do security at a service station

70 miles from your own home

because you've got a wife that can't stop buying candles!

Where's Lucy?

Christ, that child! Take Daisy in, please. Don't forget her hands.

What's your beef, Brian? I've used the ladies' before.

And Ian Beale doesn't have a moustache. HE DID WHEN I WATCHED IT!

Come on. We're leaving.

I'm not there, mate. They've got everyone -

Larry, Lance, Laura, Matty, Mark, Joe.

They've got everyone. There's no Dan.

I've been erased! Christ, does it matter?

I'll just pick one.

There. I'm Preston now.

Do you think they might've called me Preston?

I don't care!

I'll just get a few.

Jo!

Don't worry. This time I remembered the hands.

What possessed me? That's all coming off.

Your mother'll lose her mind. Can we just go now, Dad?

No, we cannot! I have to make your sister look less like a prostitute.

Come back here. Lucy!

Oh, they sell wellies! Wellies...

Looks like Ian Beale's kids have gone off the rails.

IT'S TIME TO PAY THE FERRYMAN!

It's OK, Lucy. Easy mistake.

I didn't find out about money till I was 20.

Brian'll sort it. Jo,

I've got the strangest feeling about what's gonna happen next.

I don't think I can stop it, either.

What you doing? Get in the back!

Brian, you're not gonna like this. But, honestly...

it's bigger than me. What?

Well, you're gonna wanna go home now, and...

I know you're gonna be mad, but...

..we've decided we're taking the Scenic,

with your kids still in it.

Go to Southend without you. No! HE RATTLES HANDLE

You can't! I know. It's weird, isn't it?

Oh, and, Brian... thanks for reverse parking.

Girls! You're not part of this mutiny, are you?

HE TAPS AT WINDOW

HORN BEEPS

No!

Don't look so worried!

He's gonna tell Mum. He's so boring.

He doesn't mean to be, Luce. It's just grown-ups.

We can make up some games, if you're bored. Like what?

Let's pretend. I used to pretend I was a robot. It was wicked fun.

I got kept out of normal lessons for nearly a year.

Funny to think they might be in there now...

SEAGULLS CRY ..huddled round the fire,

talking about the day they gave me away.

Do you want us to come with you? No. I need to do this on my own.

There's gonna be some high emotion when we talk about...the lost years.

No worries. We'll go to the beach. Can we have a ride on a donkey?

I've just been researching them. Half dog, half horse!

What's not to like? I like the seaside!

YEAH! YEAH! We're going to the seaside!

Can I pull the big horn? No! No problem.

HE KNOCKS

Mum, Dad...it's me.

I'm home.

Mum, Da-... Hoi, lanky! What you up to?

Oh! Sorry. I was just looking for the owners.

They're out! Down the pub.

I see. They're broken, aren't they?

Haunted by bad decisions, ghosts from the past.

Drinking to forget.

No. There's an Irish band on.

They're Irish? Yeah. Who are you?

Of course they're Irish!

Oh, kiss the smooth, ancient surface of the Blarney stone, I'm home!

HE GASPS I love Guinness!

I always dance with my arms by my side!

Where is this tavern, wise old man?

Down there on the left.

Look, who are you?

IN IRISH ACCENT: Well, am I not their boy?

Their own true lad, home at last! Oh, yes!

What? DROPPING ACCENT: Don't matter.

I'll call the police. No, I'm going. Mary, call the police.

I've finished!

It's fucking massive!

Can we paddle? What?

Don't you know what paddling is?

Is it...

CHILDREN LAUGH

No, that's not paddling, silly. It's where you go into the water

and you splosh around in your welly boots. Oh!

Wicked! Come on!

IRISH BAND MUSIC

When he went to sleep, me being young

When he went to sleep, out of bed I did creep

Into the arms of a handsome young man

I found his falorum, faliddle aye oorum

I found his falorum, faliddle aye ay

I found his falorum, he rang my ding-doorum

So, maids, when you're young, never wed an old man ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD

Who's next, then? Cathy!

No, no. Not for me, boys. ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

ALL APPLAUD Oh, right, right, right.

ALL CHEER

BAND STRIKES UP MELODY

Oh, who will plough the fields now

And who will sow the corn

And who will watch the sheep now

And keep us from all harm?

What can I get you?

IN IRISH ACCENT: I'll have a pint of the black stuff, so I will.

DROPPING ACCENT: I'll have a Guinness, please.

# Since Johnny died for Ireland's pride...

What do you do, Jo? For a job? Well, I've got special needs,

so, my shop. Oh, yeah. Dad said it wasn't going too well.

It's not. It's all right. We don't have to talk about it.

SHE SIGHS

We're at the seaside. We can just have fun!

Yes! Well, let's start having fun.

You can start by telling me what the hell that is.

It's a crab. Don't you know what a crab is?

That is a mental, massive sea spider, is what that is.

CHILDREN LAUGH

Bastard!

I love it here. It's wicked!

Look, Jo! Can we go in it?

I don't think it's a good idea. It'll be fun!

I can't swim. I don't think it's very sensible.

That's what Dad would say.

IN FEMALE IRISH ACCENT: I can't believe I gave you away.

IN MALE IRISH ACCENT: Ah, yer all reet. I forgive yer.

Oh, you're a lovely boy.

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

Hello, you child-abducting fuck!

Brian! Yes, Brian. Where are they?

They're at the beach with Jo. They're fine. They're what?!

That's like leaving a tiger to look after some pork chops!

Brian, they're fine! Listen, it all makes sense now.

I'm Irish.

What?! Seriously.

I think I've spotted my parents in there.

All this time I've been living life as a small British failure,

when, deep inside,

there was a brave Irish heart just trying to burst out!

Give me my keys, you idiot. I can't. They're in my coat in there.

Well, go and get them. I can't do that, Brian.

I'm about to sing.

What? You don't even know any bloody Irish songs!

Oh, don't be so fucking naive! They're not real songs!

They make them up! They sing from here!

Now, get out of my way. Brian! BRIAN GRUNTS

Oh! BOTH GRUNT

Don't you crush my Dublin spirit!

IN IRISH ACCENT: You will not crush my Dublin spirit!

Get away with you!

And keep us from all harm

And the stack that's in the haggard

Unthrashed it may remain

Since Johnny, lovely Johnny

Went to fight the King of Spain ALL APPLAUD Who's next? Come on!

IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, I'll sing! Brilliant, man. What you doing?

Oh. Er...

Gilligan's Pony. I don't know that one,

but if you sing it, we'll back you. Yeah!

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Ohhhhhhhhh...

I really rued the day that I got on Gilligan's pony

People say that I can't ride but those people don't know me

I touched his mane, I touched his hoof

That lovely little horse

And then I went down the pub and I had a pint, of course, of course...

Come on, you eejits!

I really rued the day

That I got on...Gilligan's po-...

Gilligan's... TOTAL SILENCE

FAINTLY: His pony...

What the fuck is that? Yeah, what the fuck IS that?

For me mammy and daddy. You were just making that up, you bollocks!

Go on! Boo! Get out! ALL SHOUT AND JEER

I think you're all made up! ALL SHOUT

You fuckin' eejit! You make them up!

ALL SHOUT

We need to get out of here. Oh, no! What?

Oh, no way. The girls! Oh, my God, the girls!

Brian? Brian! ALL CONTINUE TO SHOUT

If anything's happened to them, I'm gonna kill you!

I'm sorry! I was just - You were just being yourself!

An ocean-going bell-end, an Englishman with an actual mum!

Christ! Jo can't even swim!

Is that them?! Oh, my God, they're miles out!

I'll call the coastguard.

There's no time for that!

HEROIC CELTIC-STYLE MUSIC

FLOUNDERING / SPLASHING

JO LAUGHS What's he doing?

Jo! He thinks you've all been swept out to sea!

He got a text from Lucy! You said you were just taking photos.

I just did it for fun.

Brian! BRIAN!

HE ROARS I reckon...

this is the end of my day out. You think?!

Were you the young man that was asking about us in the pub?

I just don't know why you would've given me back.

Ah, it wasn't anything to do with you.

Was it, love? No!

I mean, you were a strange-looking baby, but...

Ah, Jesus, you were so long, like a disgusting octopus!

Like a tiny Mr Tickle! All right!

We just realised that we didn't need anyone else.

Didn't we, Mum? We knew we were happy, and we always would be.

It wouldn't have been fair to have a little boy we'd no room for.

It wasn't you, lad. And we were right.

We've had the most wonderful life, haven't we, my sweet?

It's been perfect. Couldn't have been better!

Ah, you've made me so happy. THEY LAUGH

HE SIGHS

I think that's brilliant!

All I'm saying is, couldn't it have been more brilliant with me?

Couldn't WE have had fun?

HE SIGHS I dunno! I mean...

..maybe we could've formed a family band together,

toured Ireland. I mean, you've heard me sing.

I just...

I just feel like... we should've always been together,

having the craic, just the three of us.

Maybe...

Maybe we still could.

CHILDREN SHOUT AND LAUGH

Well...they're both dead.

What?! Yep.

Pretty sure they both just died of happiness.

Fucking typical, right?!

POLICE/AMBULANCE RADIO CHATTER

Why me? Incredible, right? Even by my standards.

It's not that uncommon, apparently. You still got your real mum, Dan.

HE SIGHS And daddy. I told you,

he's not my daddy.

Right, then. Shall we? DAN SIGHS

Straight home, right? I guess we're not gonna tell Mum about this.

None of it! I thought we should never lie.

There are exceptions. And anyway, you can worry about that later.

No, we're not going home just yet.

You can't come to the seaside and not go to the funfair. No way!

Yes! Come on, girls.

Whoa! Come on! Brian?!

You amaze me.

Brian's gonna fly!

ALL SHOUT AND CHEER

I don't like it! No! Please!

POIGNANT MUSICAL INTRO I said hey, boy

Sitting in your tree

Mommy always wants you to come for tea

Don't be shy, straighten up your tie

Down from your treehouse sitting in the sky

I wanna know just what to do

Is it very big, is there room for two

I got a house with windows and doors...

Hold your faces, hold your faces!

It's on video. It's on video, Jo.

Gotta let me in

Hey, hey, hey

Let the fun begin

Hey

I'm a wolf today

Hey, hey, hey

I'll huff, I'll puff

I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll blow you away

Say you won't

Say you'll do what I don't

Say you're true, say to me

C'est la vie DOOR CLICKS

MURMUR OF WAVES

SEAGULLS CRY

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