Original subtitles

Oh, monstrous! Oh, strange! We're hunted!

Pray for us, masters! Fly for us, masters! Help!

I'll follow you...

Sorry about that.

A bit of an epiphany over the weekend, and I get excited about it.

I can't believe I'm actually gonna do it! Could we talk afterwards?

It's just...

What do you see? You see an ass-head of your own, do you?

Oh. I will walk up and down here and I will sing. Yeah.

That they shall hear I am not afraid!

Well done! That was so great!

Maybe Shakespeare isn't such a massive-collared super-fag, eh, Dennis?

I'm so proud of you and I...

Yep. Guys, I'd like to say something, if I may.

Well, I know a lot of you have been wondering

what I'm gonna do when I leave school.

What the next big move will be.

If I'm honest, some of you have been pretty dickish about it.

The rest of you, I want you to know

that it looks like Mr Davies is going to be...

Yes, Robin? Who is he?

Robin! You can't have forgotten me! I haven't left yet!

Oh, my goodness! You're...

Anne Finton. Pleased to meet you.

I think I recognise my own Member of Parliament!

I'm a great admirer. Great admirer.

Your "Respect the Veterans" campaign was electric!

Well, someone has to give them a voice.

And we're neighbours!

Sorry. Brian Ames. Ames Financial Services.

We're small but enthusiastic.

I'll have to pop in on a walkabout.

Today? Oh, that's so frustrating.

I've taken the day off to help a friend.

Another time. Wonderful! I'll call my assistant, Barbara.

What day would best suit?

Another time. Must go.

Surgery day. A lot of cross people to soothe. Right!

Betcha-by-golly-wow!

The key is to make them think you're capable of hitting them,

then you just give out the worksheets. I love supply teaching.

Good, Dad. Now, what is this news?

I have to go. It's bloody full-on here. I'm marking on a Saturday!

What?! Why?! Emma! Coo-ee!

Sorry, I forgot to say. I've shaved an Ewok.

Polly, hi! Are you baking again? Yes.

It's Jo's Big Shop opening today.

I'm making her some cakes. Oh, is that today? That is exciting news!

Yes, all very exciting. Plus I have my own announcement.

Emma doesn't want to hear about the big trump you did last night.

You animal! Not that, obviously!

Last night, you wanted me to call the Guinness Book of Records!

I get bored!

No. Listen, I...

Emma? What the...

Polly, I was painting the windowsills in the front room and I knocked this off.

Oh, well done

Well, then, my little muffin-top. Have you got a pot for my brush?

I'm not sure I've got one big enough!

I think you're over-estimating the size of my brush!

I could just scrub it with some turps.

I'm not very good at the flirty stuff.

I don't know what you see in me, Daddy!

Nor do I. It's like having a crush on the dwarf in Don't Look Now!

Right, if you'll excuse us, we have something to talk about, Daedalus.

I do wish you'd call him Daddy.

Call me Daddy, lad.

You alright? Everybody calls him Daddy. I don't!

I'm the universal daddy, that's why.

You are! I am! He is! I am!

He's everybody's daddy. He's not MY daddy!

You're not my daddy, so...

Eh, lad. What's wrong with 'ee?

Oh! Jo's card! Mum, my news!

Thee's a bloated ditch rat! Here we go!

What's thy news?

You got shit running through thee like a stick of rock?

That's not news. That's common knowledge.

If this were my house, I'd break thee.

I'd take a pan of hot water to thee face while tha' slept.

Tha'd look like The English Patient by the time I'd finished.

I'll tell thee this.

Tha will call me Daddy.

Tha will call me Daddy soon enough.

Daniel and I were just saying we might go fishing one day.

Lovely!

What are you doing? They're making me re-take my test! Bloody nanny state!

Well, take his car! What, use a Jaguar to take your driving test?!

The lad's got shit where his brain should live!

Nesta's got to take her test.

What do you need the car for?

To drive somewhere and be silly?

I want to go and see my friends! They might actually be interested in my news!

What news? Yes, come on, what news? I'm late, boy!

Well...

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, recently.

And I've finally decided that...

..I'm gonna go and live in America.

Try mastering washing your own underpants, first, Daniel!

I AM going to live in America.

Aghh! Sorry!

My fucking knee!

Not my place, but if I'd used that language in front of my father,

he'd have attacked me with a hammer!

Daniel, come back! Let me put some ice on your knee!

No, thank you!

Brian, if you won't help me stock the shelves,

you can at least tell me what you think of these shop names.

What about "Big Shop"? No!

Sexy Tesco? No!

Death To The West. What?! Mickey's idea.

Look, Brian, you come up with a name for the shop,

then! "The Full Mental Breakdown"?

That's catchy. Jo, it has to be a name that reflects what you sell.

But we sell everything! We've been through this!

Selling one product that begins with every letter of the alphabet is not "everything".

What is all this rubbish, anyway?

"I can't beef this, cos I do big walkin'!"

That's a Beefy Lee wrestling doll.

They're so rare, you can't find them on the internet. I've got 1,400!

'Beefy jump high with his mouth real wide!'

Are you sure he's a real wrestler? I've never heard of him.

He's got a doll, Brian!

Well!

I have some news. This whole thing is a bloody disaster!

Who's the guest of honour? Who's doing the opening? The monkey.

The monkey?

Micky's got hold of his uncle's chimp,

trained it to bite through ribbon... For God's sake!

I said I have some news!

Jo, you need a proper guest. You need press!

I shouldn't use a monkey? Of course not!

If I did have a monkey,

it would be OK to keep it in the stock cupboard?

Oh, my God! Betcha-by-golly-wow!

Anne Finton! I'll call Anne Finton. We had an incredible rapport.

Oh, if I could get her down here! Oh, my!

It wouldn't negate the madness of the shop,

but it might provide a distraction.

Last time, I said I have some news.

Dan, I can see you've got a swollen knee.

I've got a monkey whose feelings are about to be very hurt.

'I'm training my fans to eat no bones.'

Brian?

Brian!

I mean, if you saw her championing veterans in the Commons,

her speech made me leap with excitement.

Christ! THE Anne Finton!

Yes. I'm glad you developed a dinosaur for our MP.

Fellow, have a bit of respect!

Oh, God!

Right. Come with me.

What? Come with me over here. It's important.

Right. I see. Understood.

That's a great shame.

She's busy.

Of course she's busy. It's surgery day.

That woman really is the consummate pubic servant.

My God, your knee is enormous!

Never mind my knee. And can we just forget about Jo's shop for one second?

I brought you here to our old playground for a reason.

We need a Plan B. I guess we could ask that weather girl from local news.

What's her name?

Brian, please! Sit down. Have a swing.

OK. Here goes.

Last week, when I was sitting at Dad's gravestone,

I realised,

this town, Brian, it's my past.

And, well, my future...

Cathy Painter!

What?!

The weather girl. She's no Finton, but she might attract some press.

Brian, I'm trying to tell you something here!

I'm going to America.

For ever.

What do you think?

I think that's not news.

It's massive news! Have you told Emma? Got a job?

Well, no. No. Thought not.

You may as well have said you're planning on getting a chocolate nose!

It took me a lot of courage to tell you this!

It's not a decision. It's a whim.

Just like resigning. Just like joining the church.

It's just plucked from the air!

Jesus Christ, Dan, even Jo has a strategy for life

and she thinks it's OK for a chimp to open a shop!

Let's go and see if Painter's free.

You are unbelievable!

Goodbye! Where are you going?

Dan?

What the..? Oh, I don't believe this!

Dan!

Dan!

Barbara, could you get some bolt-cutters? I'm stuck.

Hello! Bye-bye!

Hello. Could I have my phone back, please?

Do you want a push? No, thank you.

No. Girls, I really don't want to be pushed!

Please... Dan?

Dan! OK, girls. Girls, I really don't want to be...

Girls, please!

DAN!

Lee, how you getting on, lad?

What? Well, how fat is he?

"A bit fatter than normal"?

Well, that's not a fat dog story, then, is it?

Fuckin' hell, lad. Do you want me to have a stroke?

I can't fill space with another shed advert!

There is no fucking shed company, Lee! I made the bastard up!

Fuckin' hell!

Hello!

I've got a bit of a local story, if you're interested?

Oh, thank God! Listen to this shite!

'I'm still watching TV.

'Could you pick us up some milky biscuits from Tesco?'

God knows I've got the column inches, lad

Oh, dear.

Oh, my!

Jesus wept on a mountain!

That is an absolute beauty!

Sorry, what is? Your melon.

Your pumpkin! That's a front-pager!

Let's have a look at it. Hang on, what you doing?

I've got to relieve the pressure. It's puffing up like a baboon's shitter!

Watch this.

Ooh, there you go! Yep, yep, yep.

Why did you cut it so high?

You've made me look like Rosemary Ford!

Oh, my life! It'll write itself, this headline.

"Knee Willie Winkie."

"Knee Bother." No, I've got it.

"Knee high to a grasshopper!"

I'll superimpose a grasshopper on it.

Lee! You snaggled too few bets in.

Get your camera here now. Massive knee in the office.

My knee isn't the story.

You're joking? That's gold!

Look at that shit!

I didn't come in about the knee.

I work at a local school and I'm going to America!

Bloody hell, lad!

I go to Florida once a year.

You want me to write about me and my wife getting bored

with each other in Epcot?!

Yeah, but I'm gonna live there! It's a headline.

"Local boy bids tearful farewell." That sort of thing.

Let's go with the knee.

I'm not offering the knee!

I don't need your permission! That's public interest!

I'll just run it! Well, I'll leave before you can get a photo!

Well, I'll do an artist's impression!

What's wrong with you? America's a great story!

Get off your high horse. You're just a fat lad with a big knee!

Be thankful I need a story this badly!

Oh, forget it! No! Lee! Get it! It's leaving!

Lee, it's going! Lee!

Get away from me! Lee!

My battery's gone! Fuck me, Lee!

If I sent you to Syria, you'd come back with a photo of a fucking cup!

Piss off! And tell your mother I'll be back at seven!

Fucking twat!

Girls, please, stop that.

Please, if you could just pass me my phone! Please, girls!

We pushed the man.

Shall we brush his hair?

No! For God's sake, where are your parents?

You do realise your pixelated face is now burnt into my retinas?

'That's how often you're calling.' Yeah. Alright. Listen, have you got a minute?

Oh, let me check. No. Can it wait?

Yep.

What's wrong with your knee?

Bloody hell, mate! Get it lanced!

It's like that dress Angela Rippon wore on Morecambe and Wise!

It'll be like Scanners if that pops, mate!

You know, that dress she wore! No-one could believe it

cos she's a newsreader!

Ooh!

Hello, dear. Oh, my God!

I don't want to talk about the knee!

Problems?

Nothing you're interested in. Try me.

I've already told you. I'm going to America to live.

Right. Well, if that's what you want.

Yeah. That's about the level of enthusiasm everyone's mustered!

Daniel, what have you done for Jo?

What? Well, today is Jo's special day, isn't it?

What have you done to help her?

Jo is not the only one trying to get on with her bloody life, Nesta!

No. But she's the only one sitting in an empty shop

hoping that her friends will be there for her.

Now, we will talk about your American trip later.

And then perhaps you can help me work out

what I'm going to do now that I've lost my driving licence.

You failed?! Yes!

Still, it's not about us today, eh?

Oh, shit!

Nesta, I think I've got an idea.

We should get in the car. You can't drive with that knee!

No...

I can't.

Hello, gents!

Christ, what you done to your knee?

You can't be hanging it out the window. What if she brakes?

That's not even the half of it. This old lady hasn't even got a driving licence!

He's right. I failed my test.

I've got to get a run, so fuck it, eh, boys?

Kiss my fat knee, you goblin shits!

That's it!

Pretty maiden, pretty maiden, pretty maiden...

Daniel, I can't lose them!

Good. That's the point!

Brian might not be able to get Anne Finton to the shop, but maybe I can.

Hello? Yes, could you tell Miss Finton something?

Could you tell her there's an 80-year-old on the high street

that's about to be arrested?

Yep. Oh, yes, she's distressed!

Yes, she's a veteran.

From pensioner to fugitive!

Lee, you'd better get down there.

It's a police chase, you wonky-toothed turd!

And get my angina pills.

My ticker's going like a fucking stone!

Well, it's not the dream launch I'd hoped for.

I may as well just open it.

'Turn the engine off and get out the car!'

Hands up on the shop. What on earth's going on?

She was determined to be here for the launch of her granddaughter's shop.

There was no-one to do the official opening, so she would do it herself.

You know veterans!

Gentlemen, a word.

Have you any idea what this looks like?

Girls, I have somewhere to go! My friend's shop opening.

Please! Get away from him!

Barbara!

Thank God!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming today

to welcome this new shop to our high street.

It's so important to keep our high streets alive.

Anne. Brian Ames. Sorry to keep you. I got trapped in a swing.

Brian, don't be so selfish!

Today's not about us.

I declare this...eclectic new shop open!

Three, two, one!

Jesus Christ! You can't call it that!

We do, Brian! We cater for everyone's special needs.

Lee! Shut your fucked-up mouth and take a picture!

Not that - the knee! Get the knee!

She sells some lovely things!

I might buy a Beefy Lee!

I'm back in the office tomorrow, if you'd like a tour.

And will you still have a swing attached to your backside?

Thanks, Dan. It's a well-good opening.

For a while, there, Brian convinced me this whole shop idea was mental.

No!

You're not really going to America, are you?

Yeah, I think I am.

I'm not sure how yet, but yeah.

You'll be back for weekends, though, right?

Yes.

Thanks for the invite, Dan.

So, you and the knee off to America, then, eh?

Flashy!

You'll miss the kids, though, right?

Will I, fuck!

Your mum's fella is odd.

He asked me to call him Daddy!

I told him, "Buy me a gin and I'll call you what you like!"

Eeh, tha' potty-mouthed women these days!

Thee's a disgrace! Aye. Thee want locking up, lass!

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