Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

I've really turned a corner since you left.

The teaching's going great.

I'm positive, so the kids are positive.

Wow. Well, I mean, it's only been six weeks

but I really am sorry that I didn't come out here earlier.

New York must be a pretty lonely place, I bet.

Probably, but I'm in Boston.

I might apply for deputy head.

He hasn't replaced you, so why not, eh?

A man can dream.

You hate teaching!

The head's more likely to appoint a bee.

Anyway, Dan, look, it's gone four in the morning here in Boston and...

Should've said! I did.

I do every time you call.

And I assume that they still do the Friday nine o'clock meeting?

Yes, and?

It's 9:10. I know.

I can see the head arriving late from here.

Hey!

Yeah, you tardy bugger!

Time do you call this?

You fucking knob!

Cor.

You are!

Ah. No, he's good as gold now with me.

Right. You're clearly still in your bed at your mum's house.

You're probably in your pants. And do you know how I know that?

Because the last time I was there, I stared at that Tizer stain

on your ceiling for four hours while you lay next to me and snored.

Emma! Goodbye, Dan.

Emma!

Daniel, you're late. I need to get these windows open.

Oh, dear. The whiff you create!

Get out of my room, old woman.

You can't wear those again. I can do what I like!

Should I get another pail of cold water?

Get your trousers on, boy!

We don't want to see your messy rabbit.

Good God, the stench in here.

It's like a popped boil.

And, clearly, our graffiti artist is back.

So, should you hear anything about their identity or, indeed,

if you spot a member of staff licking a dog's bulb, let me know.

THEY LAUGH

Seriously, though, let's get this kid caught.

Doesn't look good for visitors.

Now, then, happier matters - teacher of the week.

Who gets a handful of headmaster's jelly treats this Friday?

Think we all know who it won't be.

THEY LAUGH

So, for her wonderful Young Enterprise event on...

..on Wednesday afternoon, Miss Charman.

OK, have a great weekend.

Mr Davies, there's a note I don't want you to miss in your pigeonhole.

My...?

Whoa. Those are new, aren't they?

Headmaster!

Headmaster...

Little mouse!

You dropped your sweetie.

Oh, sorry, Mr Klackov.

Wait, it's litter.

Do you know what a sweetie on the floor attracts?

Erm...

The fox.

And you know what a fully grown fox is capable of?

Oh, God!

Don't drop sweetie on my floor and make litter, little mouse.

Women!

They are messy.

It's a disciplinary hearing, sir. ALL: Oh!

About time. He might just want to talk to me about the drama budget, no?

He doesn't give a shit about drama. I heard him say.

It's the same note he gave Mr. Callaghan before he got sacked.

Callaghan tried to sell a boy in France. What have I done? You're always late.

You set fire to Robin's hair. You locked Karen in the cupboard.

I think it's when you got us drunk.

I didn't get you drunk. You stole that from my office.

And a whole class shouldn't be able to get hammered on one box of wine.

It's pathetic. Shame Miss Lipsey isn't here to bail you out any more.

Shame you're never going to get married.

Says the man who lives with two old ladies.

Your mum's got a new boyfriend now, hasn't she?

No. She has. I saw them playing bowls together.

Oh, well, they must be banging, then, mustn't they? Grow up.

Right. Go on, get on with your work. I need to think.

What work? Make up a play.

About what? I don't know!

Homelessness, Aids, whatever.

Not Aids again. I'm going to be a ninja.

With Aids.

"You don't have a father, Jo.

"I just decided to be pregnant, and I was.

"So, you're capable of...

"Yes. I can self-fertilise.

"I saw no reason to doubt her, so I never asked about Dad again."

Jo, no-one is going to buy your autobiography.

Why is it blank halfway through?

I'm not dead yet, am I?

Anyone who buys a book can come to me in the future

and I'll write the next bit in.

You're insane.

Tache, what's this letter?

How should I know?

You're a bloody school governor.

I'm heading up the digitisation of school finals.

I have nothing to do with staff matters.

And even if I did, I wouldn't get involved.

It's called conflict of interest.

I pretended to know what Brian was talking about by nodding hard.

When you're next in, you've got to have a peep at my personal file,

tell me what I've done. I'm in school tomorrow.

Saturday? Yes.

Everyone has their guilty pleasures. Mine happens to be data entry.

But I'm not going to be divulging any information from your file.

Here, I'm your mate, sure I am.

But as soon as I step over that threshold, I am Governor Ames.

Good day!

He's almost done it, hasn't he? Just like he said he would.

Since Julia left, he's almost become 100% pure Brian.

It's chilling. I thought you hated teaching.

I hate my cock and balls, Jo.

Shall I snap them off?

My job's all I've got left.

Listen, if there's a file with all the bad stuff in it,

why don't you just get rid of it?

They can't sack you without evidence.

Jo smiled. She realised she'd said a really great thing.

For inspiration.

Yeah, I wouldn't bother.

It's fucking shit!

Oh! You're getting slow, old girl.

You seen my laptop? I need to skype Emma.

Stop phoning her in the middle of the night.

You're like a horny mongrel, Daniel.

I need to ask her advice.

I've been called in by the head.

What? You can't afford to lose your job, Daniel.

I mean, technically, you're almost homeless.

You're not far from being a giant human rat.

And you know what we do with rats.

Yes, I get the message.

We shoot them in the mouth.

Don't tell Mum.

DOOR SHUTS VOICES

She hasn't brought that bloke home?

It's been a long time, Daniel, and your mother has needs.

She can't spend all her free time in the en-suite, thumbing her pudding.

Oh, come on.

Nesta, we were just...

Oh, Daniel. You're home early.

Aren't I?

This is my son, Daniel.

This is Daedalus.

But everybody calls him Daddy.

Not everyone.

Hello, lad.

He's in trouble at work, Polly.

Nesta! Oh, Daniel.

Teaching's all you've got now Emma's left.

Emma? Who's Emma?

His old boss. Silly boy should have squired her but, no,

he let her slip through his fat fingers.

There was that one night before she left.

Do you mind? A goodbye knee trembler before leaving the country?

That's hardly a solid foundation.

For God's sake.

He's got no money, no children.

Probably a Jaffa.

Never even had a scare.

He hasn't. Lack of testosterone.

His armpits are bald, and now, no job.

Right. Thanks for that, you Shih-Tzu-faced hags.

If you'll excuse me.

Daedalus.

Mmm. Unusual, a young man talking to his elders like that.

In my day, he'd have felt the hairy side, but not my business.

I'll put the kettle on.

Oh, no. I wouldn't have that at all.

Mr Klackov!

What you do in school?

You forget - it's Saturday!

Like a stupid kid!

Hey, pigeon brain!

It's Sa-tur-day!

No, no. I...

I just bought you a present.

Why?

Are you fizzy in pants for a man?

Oh, no.

I've heard there's a key. Ah.

Klackov's magic key, eh? HE CHUCKLES

You want to get into headmaster's office?

Yes.

Come. My office.

Come.

Office?

Hardly the fucking Pompidou Centre, is it, mate?

Bleurgh!

Eugh, piss.

You ever try Serbian rakia?

Oh, it tastes like a lady's...

Erm... How do you say...?

Oh, erm...

Fanny?

Tears.

You been Serbia?

No. Do you miss it?

It's a place of great pain.

I can never return. Oh.

It's my family.

Oh, lovely. All dead.

Ah.

I like you.

Tell me, how many years have you taken?

How many... Years have you taken?

How old am I? Yes.

45. Ah.

And Klackov?

Oh, I wouldn't like to...

Come on. Come on. Come on, pretty boy.

How many?

65?

No! HE LAUGHS

Whoo!

72. HE LAUGHS

Hurray!

EASTERN EUROPEAN MUSIC PLAYS

Come, dance.

No, I... I... I couldn't.

Do you want a magic key for piss wide?

No, never.

Dance!

MR KLACKOV HUMS

Your plump friend,

your nutty, crazy

broken head.

Jo?

I like her.

You bring her to me. Yeah.

I'm not a pimp, mate.

Oh, not a pimp? No magic key for you.

No.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

I'll speak to her.

Fine. You'll probably get on very well, actually.

She used to be a part-time cleaner, so...

You say Klackov is cleaner?

Part of your job, isn't it?

You insult me, you insult my dead family?!

You think my sons are dogs?

Or beggars? No.

Cleaners? No!

No magic key for you! You think headmaster run this fucking school?

Eh?

Klackov run this fucking school!

Out! Go on, get out.

Whay, ha-ha-ha!

You're mad. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You're fucking mad!

HE CACKLES

Now what? Can I suggest you read chapter 34 of my autobiography?

It's blank. Yeah.

You want that file?

We break in and steal it, Ocean's Impossible style.

Here's how I see it going down.

I distract the guard at the front gate, disguised as a bush,

and then stealthily infiltrate the facility using my cunning disguise.

Pearce patrols the perimeter to check for the headteacher

whilst I attach giant springs to my feet.

Your mum somersaults over the rear fence

and busts out her ninja stance.

Pearce keeps watch for Nesta

while she takes out the three guards with tranquilliser darts,

which leaves me free to bounce into the window like a fucking frog and... Jo!

What the fuck are you on about?

All made sense in my head.

I'll come up with the plan.

Who did the map for you? Dennis.

The cheeky little twat. 50 quid.

He's lucky I didn't grass him up.

What for? It's obviously him doing all the graffiti, isn't it?

How else does he know how to break in?

Right. Let's get this over with.

Oh. You...will need these.

What's this? They're walkie-talkies. For insurance.

Stay here. And maintain radio silence unless absolutely necessary.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

HE WHEEZES AND STRAINS

FENCE CREAKS

Ohh!

HE GRUNTS

Agh! Oh...

HE RETCHES

HE RETCHES

HE RETCHES

Arggggh!

HE STRAINS

MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

HE GASPS

I like this.

Oh, right.

Thank you. It's thick...

down there too?

I... It springs. The hair! Pfff!

Under your hand.

You break anything in here,

you will have to answer to Krakow.

Righto.

HE HUMS A TUNE

HE STRAINS

HE STRAINS

WALKIE-TALKIE: # Remember you're a Womble... #

'Dan, everything's fine here, Dan.'

I don't want to panic you but I would like a response, thanks.

Remember you're a Womble...

Shut up! Shut up!

Agh, agh!

Agh...

Agh!

HE STRAINS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Argh!

HE STRAINS

Argh!

# I'm sorry

That you turned to driftwood...

Shit!

God!

It's like a little holiday.

SWEETS RATTLE

HE STRAINS

HE SNIFFS

I thought I knew that stench. You're not taking that file.

Not on my watch!

What does it matter to you?

It's school protocol. A school needs order.

THEY SHOUT

Argh!

Urrgh! Uh!

Argh!

MOUSTACHE RIPS

ARGH!

OBJECTS CLATTER

FIRE ALARM BLARES

Dan!

Dan!

Just take it. Run.

He's insane.

Away from here. I'll take the hit.

Ha!

WHEELS SQUEAK

Ha! No!

No! What the...?

Ohh!

WHEELS SQUEAK

Argh!

FIRE ALARM CONTINUES

FIRE ALARM STOPS

Come out!

Come out!

Krakow want to play!

You forget Krakow's magic key!

And no-one insult the Krakow name!

Well done, my fat friend.

The police are coming!

Dan! What are you doing?

There's no escape!

Dan, you've got to get out of there!

Krakow run this fucking school!

Yeah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER TRAILS OFF

What am I doing?

'I thought you hated teaching.

'You hate teaching.

'The head's more likely to appoint a bee!'

Of course!

Of course!

THUD

Fox! Argh! FOX SNARLS FEROCIOUSLY

Argh! Fox!

Argh! Biting!

Agggh!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

The disciplinary wasn't that serious.

You really don't need to resign.

Look, mate, this has been a long time coming.

I should never have become a teacher.

I'm not good. I will never be like Miss Sharman.

It's time to move on.

My aunt thought goose fat would get it off, but it hasn't.

Yeah. It stinks, doesn't it?

# You're driftwood

# Floating underwater

# Breaking into pieces

# Pieces, pieces

# Just driftwood

# Hollow and of no use

# Waterfalls will find you

# Bind you, grind you

# Nobody is an island

Everyone has to go...

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