All language subtitles for Man Down s02e06 The Heath.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,222 --> 00:00:03,895 Come on. It's obvious. 2 00:00:03,942 --> 00:00:05,500 (TUTS) No? 3 00:00:05,542 --> 00:00:08,340 Big Dave Bowers lent it to me. 4 00:00:08,382 --> 00:00:09,781 Something borrowed. 5 00:00:09,822 --> 00:00:11,733 Something blue. 6 00:00:11,782 --> 00:00:13,101 I'm getting married! 7 00:00:13,142 --> 00:00:14,700 Get the fuck off the bus! 8 00:00:14,742 --> 00:00:16,460 You what? To... to whom? When? 9 00:00:16,502 --> 00:00:20,097 This weekend. Jay from the Heath. I've got your invites. 10 00:00:20,142 --> 00:00:22,531 - This weekend? - And to a Heath man? 11 00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:25,494 Really? The last time I went there, I thought I saw a man eating a fox. 12 00:00:25,542 --> 00:00:27,214 - Turned out they were kissing. - Don't start taking the mickey 13 00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:28,251 out of the Heath. 14 00:00:28,302 --> 00:00:29,781 It's not like it was when I was a kid. 15 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:32,780 It's a pagan backwater with idiotic customs. 16 00:00:32,822 --> 00:00:36,098 Hang on a minute. I'm not married. 17 00:00:36,142 --> 00:00:37,814 I wondered when this would become about you. 18 00:00:37,862 --> 00:00:38,817 Oh, no, I'm sorry. 19 00:00:38,862 --> 00:00:40,693 I'm not having it. I'm not having you two be married and me not. 20 00:00:40,742 --> 00:00:41,731 No, it's off. 21 00:00:41,782 --> 00:00:44,660 This is good. You should use it in your best man's speech. 22 00:00:44,702 --> 00:00:45,851 The bride doesn't have a best man. 23 00:00:45,902 --> 00:00:48,462 On the Heath they do. The groom has a wedding pony. 24 00:00:48,502 --> 00:00:50,811 For goodness' sake, Jo. Do you even love him? 25 00:00:50,862 --> 00:00:54,935 I love that he asked me. No-one's ever asked me to get married before. 26 00:00:54,982 --> 00:00:56,574 I mean... 27 00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:58,578 this is petrifying. 28 00:00:58,622 --> 00:00:59,975 Emma's coming. 29 00:01:02,182 --> 00:01:04,776 What you saying? I do a brilliant best man's speech, 30 00:01:04,822 --> 00:01:05,811 it's both hilarious and moving. 31 00:01:05,862 --> 00:01:07,932 Emma forgives all of the balls-ups of the past few months 32 00:01:07,982 --> 00:01:09,654 and agrees to have my baby. 33 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,294 Soon the kid replaces me in her affections 34 00:01:11,342 --> 00:01:13,492 and I'm left going down the pub on my own, 35 00:01:13,542 --> 00:01:16,136 to play darts with a guy called Fat Monkey. 36 00:01:17,422 --> 00:01:20,175 God, it's bleak. But it's better than what I've got. 37 00:01:20,222 --> 00:01:21,701 - I'll do it. - Sorry? 38 00:01:21,742 --> 00:01:23,255 Who the hell is this man? 39 00:01:23,302 --> 00:01:25,452 - Is he solvent? Does he have a job? - JO: He's Jay C. 40 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:30,735 Yes, he's a digger driver. But it's only temporary, until his rap career takes off. 41 00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:32,056 You've lost your mind. 42 00:01:32,102 --> 00:01:34,332 Hope you're going to be more positive at my wedding, Brian. 43 00:01:34,382 --> 00:01:36,054 I don't want a grumpy head usher. 44 00:01:36,102 --> 00:01:37,740 - Ah! - Me? 45 00:01:37,782 --> 00:01:42,298 No way. A... a wedding needs months of... of planning. It... it needs schedules. 46 00:01:42,342 --> 00:01:44,902 There... there's protocol, traditions. 47 00:01:46,462 --> 00:01:48,532 Oh, great. My pulse is racing. 48 00:01:48,582 --> 00:01:51,654 Have you got any idea how long it's taken me to get my cholesterol below 5.1? 49 00:01:53,102 --> 00:01:55,855 Ah! The chief bridesmaid. 50 00:01:55,902 --> 00:01:57,460 Oh, bloody hell. 51 00:01:57,502 --> 00:01:59,572 Do I have to do that bit in the speech where I say how nice they look? 52 00:01:59,622 --> 00:02:01,613 Suck my dick! 53 00:02:08,942 --> 00:02:16,942 54 00:02:27,822 --> 00:02:30,461 We are invited. Look. 55 00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:31,651 DAN: All right, I'll cut to the chase. 56 00:02:31,702 --> 00:02:35,092 Emma's going to be there and I forbid you to talk to her. 57 00:02:35,142 --> 00:02:36,131 Why? 58 00:02:36,182 --> 00:02:39,174 Well, I mean, Alistair from maths's parents 59 00:02:39,222 --> 00:02:41,690 are probably charming ex-lawyers with a lovely home. 60 00:02:41,742 --> 00:02:44,779 But I love you, Mum, but you're boring. 61 00:02:44,822 --> 00:02:46,540 NESTA: Who's Alistair?! 62 00:02:46,582 --> 00:02:48,937 Daniel's love rival! 63 00:02:48,982 --> 00:02:52,736 He thinks we're going to embarrass him in front of Emma. 64 00:02:52,782 --> 00:02:54,818 Poppycock! 65 00:02:54,862 --> 00:02:56,818 I've found the perfect outfit. 66 00:02:56,862 --> 00:03:00,491 It'll be great to feel the air around my kite at a booze-up again. 67 00:03:00,542 --> 00:03:04,057 - Tell me you're wearing underwear. - I am of Scottish heritage, Daniel. 68 00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:06,172 And proud. 69 00:03:06,222 --> 00:03:07,575 Oh... oh! 70 00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,658 I'm blind! She's blinded me! 71 00:03:12,422 --> 00:03:14,617 Thanks. Bye-bye. 72 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,017 - Well? - It's not that weird. 73 00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:20,293 Proceedings are started by the chief bridesmaid nostrilling a pony. 74 00:03:20,342 --> 00:03:23,015 Yes, that's what I asked you to ring about. 75 00:03:23,062 --> 00:03:25,292 - What is nostrilling? - She didn't say. 76 00:03:25,342 --> 00:03:27,014 Look, mate, you're just going to have to accept 77 00:03:27,062 --> 00:03:28,780 that they do things a bit differently on the Heath. 78 00:03:28,822 --> 00:03:31,620 It's not a bit different. It's a remake of The Wicker Man. 79 00:03:31,662 --> 00:03:33,459 Dan, we have to put a stop to this. 80 00:03:33,502 --> 00:03:35,299 Listen to the band they're making me hire. 81 00:03:35,342 --> 00:03:37,492 FOLK SINGERS: Your sister's dead, your sister's dead 82 00:03:37,542 --> 00:03:40,579 Your sister's dead She drowned, I'm afraid 83 00:03:40,622 --> 00:03:44,410 She ain't coming back She's remaining very dead... 84 00:03:44,462 --> 00:03:46,896 - (STEREO CLICKS) - They're called 8 Sausage Sunday. 85 00:03:46,942 --> 00:03:47,931 We've got to call it off, 86 00:03:47,982 --> 00:03:50,655 even if you do want to impress Emma with your bloody speech. 87 00:03:50,702 --> 00:03:53,739 I'm actually offended by that, Brian. I'm here for Jo. 88 00:03:53,782 --> 00:03:55,374 Right. 89 00:03:55,422 --> 00:03:57,811 I'm going to open by saying, 90 00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:01,252 "Ladies and gentlemen, some things are just meant to be." 91 00:04:02,662 --> 00:04:04,653 Then I'm going to glance knowingly over at Emma. 92 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,375 And then I'm going to do that meaningful head nod 93 00:04:07,422 --> 00:04:10,380 that Robbie Williams does when he sings ballads, like... 94 00:04:20,102 --> 00:04:22,775 - Hello. - Oh, you're here! 95 00:04:22,822 --> 00:04:24,699 I haven't seen you since I was about 15. 96 00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:27,256 Mwah! Brian, you remember Jo's mum? 97 00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:30,897 Sandra's not my mum. She runs the hotel. 98 00:04:30,942 --> 00:04:33,376 - Wonderful. Do you have a printer? - I do indeed. 99 00:04:33,422 --> 00:04:36,971 Oh, thank goodness. A few very last-minute jobs. 100 00:04:37,022 --> 00:04:40,219 Dan, I'm so excited. Apparently, you get a certificate for being married. 101 00:04:40,262 --> 00:04:42,218 It'll look pretty sweet next to my NVQ. 102 00:04:42,262 --> 00:04:44,492 OK, listen, let's take it as read that your excitement about this wedding 103 00:04:44,542 --> 00:04:47,659 is based on a flawed and petrifying logic. 104 00:04:47,702 --> 00:04:51,411 I have some questions. Is there a mic I can use for my speech? 105 00:04:51,462 --> 00:04:55,250 Yes, but Jay's very possessive about it. It's his rap mic and... 106 00:04:55,302 --> 00:04:56,974 Shh! Where is he? 107 00:04:57,022 --> 00:04:58,978 He's gone to Mum's to borrow some wedding shoes. 108 00:04:59,022 --> 00:05:01,013 She's still got all the gear from when her and Dad got married. 109 00:05:01,062 --> 00:05:04,498 Trying to save a bit of money, at least until his record contract comes through. 110 00:05:04,542 --> 00:05:07,295 Oh, there'll be no record contract. 111 00:05:07,342 --> 00:05:09,617 But you'll find that out in your own sweet time. Now... 112 00:05:09,662 --> 00:05:13,371 I need some personal touches to make me sound sincere during the speech. 113 00:05:13,422 --> 00:05:15,936 So, what's the thing that you most have in common? 114 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,938 - We both love Chomps. - Chomps? 115 00:05:17,982 --> 00:05:19,335 Chomps, you know, the chocolate bar. 116 00:05:19,382 --> 00:05:22,658 Right. I need something a little more substantial than Chomps. 117 00:05:22,702 --> 00:05:24,738 - So, something romantic? - Got it. 118 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:29,458 Today we both coincidentally bought each other the exact same present. 119 00:05:29,502 --> 00:05:32,141 It was a Chomp, wasn't it? 120 00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:34,742 I need insight, not Chomps. Why are you marrying him? 121 00:05:34,782 --> 00:05:36,852 - Well... - I forbid you to use the word Chomp. 122 00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:40,338 Look, Dan, marriage is an adventure. You should get married. 123 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:43,021 Look at my mum and dad. A lifetime of happiness. 124 00:05:43,062 --> 00:05:45,701 Your dad left when you were seven and no-one's seen him since. 125 00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:48,131 Oh, yeah. Still good, though. 126 00:05:49,142 --> 00:05:51,861 Jay's here! Jay, this is Dan. 127 00:05:51,902 --> 00:05:53,813 'Ow do, monner! Mwah! 128 00:05:53,862 --> 00:05:55,693 'Ow bist thee, chap? 129 00:05:55,742 --> 00:05:59,781 Well, I've no idea what that means, but I am enjoying your wedding shoes. 130 00:05:59,822 --> 00:06:01,938 Ah, them pinch a bit, but they'll do the job. 131 00:06:01,982 --> 00:06:03,051 They look wicked. 132 00:06:03,102 --> 00:06:05,935 You two are very well suited, aren't you? 133 00:06:05,982 --> 00:06:07,176 Jay, have you got a mic I can use? 134 00:06:08,222 --> 00:06:12,261 You'm don't touch that mic. You'm dunna touch it! 135 00:06:13,342 --> 00:06:16,539 He's so passionate about his rap. Don't worry. 136 00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:18,652 I'll talk him round. 137 00:06:22,502 --> 00:06:23,730 Was that her bloke? 138 00:06:23,782 --> 00:06:26,250 They're not supposed to see each other the day before the wedding. 139 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,611 It's madness here. There's no protocol. 140 00:06:28,662 --> 00:06:30,539 That woman informed me they're getting married in a barn, 141 00:06:30,582 --> 00:06:33,415 warned me there's some strange creature roaming the Heath, 142 00:06:33,462 --> 00:06:36,454 and then set about printing off my orders of service. 143 00:06:36,502 --> 00:06:37,981 Yes, well, that's what you wanted, isn't it? 144 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,819 Depends on your definition of printing. 145 00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:42,057 Eeh! Eeh, eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 146 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,218 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 147 00:06:44,262 --> 00:06:46,014 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 148 00:06:46,062 --> 00:06:48,178 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 149 00:06:48,222 --> 00:06:52,852 Look, just relax. Jo's happy, and who knows? Maybe I'll get to nail Emma. 150 00:06:52,902 --> 00:06:56,053 Ah, you remind me of one of the great poets. 151 00:06:56,102 --> 00:06:57,979 Yeah? You remind me of him. 152 00:07:03,862 --> 00:07:07,696 And remember, the winner gets to sleep with Tony. 153 00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:08,811 WOMEN: Ooh! 154 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,659 - Ah, Jo! - You dirty buggers! 155 00:07:10,702 --> 00:07:13,421 - Congratulations. Mwah! - Thank you. 156 00:07:13,462 --> 00:07:16,818 - And this must be your mum? - No, she's not my mum. 157 00:07:16,862 --> 00:07:20,696 Mum's having an early night, ready for the big day. Do you want to see my ring? 158 00:07:22,102 --> 00:07:23,581 Oh, it... it's lovely. 159 00:07:23,622 --> 00:07:26,375 You're not going to believe this, Emma. He made it. 160 00:07:26,422 --> 00:07:30,017 That is just a pebble and some string. 161 00:07:30,062 --> 00:07:32,053 Getting married is wicked. 162 00:07:32,102 --> 00:07:34,377 - (KISSES RING) - QUIZMASTER: Question one. 163 00:07:34,422 --> 00:07:39,576 What does the Beast of the Heath do to trick people? 164 00:07:39,622 --> 00:07:40,657 (MURMURING) 165 00:07:40,702 --> 00:07:42,181 (MOUTHS) 166 00:07:42,222 --> 00:07:44,338 (MOUTHS) 167 00:07:44,382 --> 00:07:45,940 You'd better come and see this. 168 00:07:45,982 --> 00:07:47,859 Your aunt has decided the men's room is more fun 169 00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:50,780 and is currently beating the shit out of a local man called Weasel. 170 00:07:50,822 --> 00:07:52,460 It's a local Heath tradition, naturally. 171 00:07:52,502 --> 00:07:54,936 I'm not going anywhere. I'm keeping an eye on Moth-Face. 172 00:07:54,982 --> 00:07:58,179 Ah! There y'are! You're up now, Dan! 173 00:07:58,222 --> 00:08:00,816 - Big final! - I'm all right, thanks, Jay. 174 00:08:00,862 --> 00:08:03,376 It's only a game of hot pie. Come on! 175 00:08:04,382 --> 00:08:06,452 - Hot pie? - Hot pie. 176 00:08:06,502 --> 00:08:08,732 ALL: Hurray! 177 00:08:08,782 --> 00:08:09,976 Him's scared! Look. 178 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,774 Oh, I'm not scared. I'm baffled. 179 00:08:11,822 --> 00:08:14,620 He is. He's shaking like a shittin' dog. Look. 180 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,015 Hey, make a rap up about it, Jay. 181 00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,815 Him scared like a sparrow! Him scared like a sparrow! 182 00:08:18,862 --> 00:08:21,820 Him... him fat like a marrow, sitting in a barrow. 183 00:08:21,862 --> 00:08:23,693 - Boom! - ALL: Hurray! 184 00:08:23,742 --> 00:08:27,098 OK, everyone, you carry on. I'm out. See you later. 185 00:08:27,142 --> 00:08:29,292 Oh, come on, Daniel. Pull yourself together. 186 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,980 If you want to impress this... this Emma girl, 187 00:08:31,022 --> 00:08:33,661 you're going to have to start acting like a man. 188 00:08:33,702 --> 00:08:36,011 ALL: Yeah! 189 00:08:36,062 --> 00:08:38,132 I mean, why did that get a cheer? 190 00:08:38,182 --> 00:08:41,379 ALL: Yeah! 191 00:08:41,422 --> 00:08:42,935 Apple pie buffet, two up. 192 00:08:42,982 --> 00:08:44,654 Guys, I-I don't want to come across as old-fashioned, 193 00:08:44,702 --> 00:08:46,420 but why don't we go and get a nice steak dinner, 194 00:08:46,462 --> 00:08:48,339 toast the groom and get an early night? 195 00:08:48,382 --> 00:08:50,498 Why are you both trying to ruin the boy's night? 196 00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:52,533 ALL: Boo! 197 00:08:52,582 --> 00:08:55,221 All right, you want me to push a pie into my own face, do you, 198 00:08:55,262 --> 00:08:56,934 you fucking bread-munchers? 199 00:08:56,982 --> 00:08:59,257 Fine, I can do that. So... 200 00:08:59,302 --> 00:09:02,100 Argh! Ow! Fuck, that burns! 201 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,860 He's got the hot jam! 202 00:09:03,902 --> 00:09:05,699 ALL: Yeah! 203 00:09:05,742 --> 00:09:08,814 Aaah! Aaah! 204 00:09:10,502 --> 00:09:12,697 Look at your face. 205 00:09:12,742 --> 00:09:14,858 Why do you have to take part in these ridiculous rituals? 206 00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:17,575 I know. What's Emma going to think? 207 00:09:17,622 --> 00:09:20,659 I had to rewrite the top of my speech. 208 00:09:20,702 --> 00:09:24,854 "Hi, everyone. Who's your favourite footballer? Mine's Frank Jam-pard." 209 00:09:26,782 --> 00:09:28,261 You're supposed to be giving me confidence! 210 00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,258 Be quiet. Here comes Jo. 211 00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:32,179 Bloody hell! 212 00:09:32,222 --> 00:09:34,577 - You are getting married. - Yeah, of course. 213 00:09:34,622 --> 00:09:37,500 - You look all right. - Thanks. 214 00:09:37,542 --> 00:09:40,739 You look lovely. You are going to change out of those wellies, though, right? 215 00:09:40,782 --> 00:09:44,536 No. Mum only had one pair of shoes and Jay bagsied them. 216 00:09:44,582 --> 00:09:46,618 God! 217 00:09:52,302 --> 00:09:54,691 You open by saying how nice the bridesmaids look. 218 00:09:54,742 --> 00:09:57,461 Did you see Shakira? She looks like Ric Flair from WrestleMania. 219 00:09:57,502 --> 00:10:01,575 Then you lie. Then you read out messages from those who can't attend. 220 00:10:01,622 --> 00:10:04,056 Yes. I've only got one. It's from Jo's Uncle Samuel. 221 00:10:04,102 --> 00:10:06,457 "Sorry I can't be there. The ram killed Stephen." 222 00:10:06,502 --> 00:10:08,174 No mention of who Stephen is. 223 00:10:08,222 --> 00:10:10,983 - I thought Sam was giving you away. - No, that's not Heath tradition. 224 00:10:11,022 --> 00:10:13,217 - Well, who is, then? - It'll only make you mad. 225 00:10:13,262 --> 00:10:16,459 - Just tell me. - This guy. 226 00:10:16,502 --> 00:10:17,491 Ah. 227 00:10:17,542 --> 00:10:20,852 OK, this is a hidden camera show, isn't it? 228 00:10:20,902 --> 00:10:22,301 What the hell's going on here? 229 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,331 What are you doing? 230 00:10:35,382 --> 00:10:38,977 Doing a roadblock! Spreading terror! 231 00:10:39,022 --> 00:10:41,331 - You don't look like terrorists. - Well, we are! 232 00:10:41,382 --> 00:10:43,373 So, you better meet our demands! 233 00:10:43,422 --> 00:10:44,411 What's going on? 234 00:10:44,462 --> 00:10:46,180 As far as I can work out, 235 00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:49,419 it's three bell-ends with paper bags on their heads, attempting to hold us up. 236 00:10:49,462 --> 00:10:52,295 I heard that! You want to be careful, calling us names! 237 00:10:52,342 --> 00:10:54,936 We might do the old fatwa! 238 00:10:54,982 --> 00:10:57,291 Doing the old fatwa! 239 00:10:57,342 --> 00:11:01,733 Look, we're late for a wedding. I've got a very important speech to do, so... 240 00:11:01,782 --> 00:11:02,897 What's that burn on your face? 241 00:11:02,942 --> 00:11:05,137 Never mind what the burn on my face is! 242 00:11:05,182 --> 00:11:07,855 - Did you lose at hot pie? - None of your business! 243 00:11:07,902 --> 00:11:09,779 - Fuck off out of the way! - Dan... 244 00:11:09,822 --> 00:11:12,177 You don't tell the IRA to fuck off! 245 00:11:12,222 --> 00:11:13,575 OK, that's it. I was being polite. 246 00:11:13,622 --> 00:11:15,613 But if you're going to mix up your paramilitary organisations, 247 00:11:15,662 --> 00:11:16,651 I'm stepping in. 248 00:11:16,702 --> 00:11:19,136 The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement, 249 00:11:19,182 --> 00:11:21,935 and they certainly didn't do fatwas! 250 00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:25,498 We might be the Taliban. 251 00:11:25,542 --> 00:11:27,294 Or we may be the PTA! 252 00:11:27,342 --> 00:11:28,491 What's that? 253 00:11:28,542 --> 00:11:30,294 It's the Parents-Teachers Association. 254 00:11:30,342 --> 00:11:33,459 I mean, they're arseholes, but they've never resorted to sectarian violence. 255 00:11:33,502 --> 00:11:34,935 These are our demands! 256 00:11:34,982 --> 00:11:37,974 One! We want ?25! 257 00:11:38,022 --> 00:11:39,933 Two! 258 00:11:39,982 --> 00:11:41,335 We want a nice watch! 259 00:11:41,382 --> 00:11:44,340 What's going on? The mouse is getting nervous. 260 00:11:44,382 --> 00:11:47,135 - Three. We want a mouse! - We don't want a mouse. 261 00:11:47,182 --> 00:11:50,015 I know that voice. Charlie Burrows? 262 00:11:50,062 --> 00:11:52,815 What are you playing at? You're too old for playing roadblock. 263 00:11:52,862 --> 00:11:55,330 It's a game the kids play round here for pocket money. 264 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,612 - It's sweet, really. - It's deranged. 265 00:11:57,662 --> 00:11:59,653 - (COINS JINGLE) - Look, we haven't got ?25. 266 00:11:59,702 --> 00:12:02,933 But I can... I can give you ?6. 267 00:12:02,982 --> 00:12:05,621 - What about a nice watch? - You're not having my watch! 268 00:12:05,662 --> 00:12:09,814 We'll have those wellies, ?6, and we'll consider lifting the roadblock! 269 00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:11,420 And a mouse! 270 00:12:11,462 --> 00:12:13,578 The mouse is giving her away! 271 00:12:13,622 --> 00:12:15,658 These are my wedding shoes! 272 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:18,341 Just give them the wellies. Let's get on with it. 273 00:12:18,382 --> 00:12:19,861 We're not negotiating with these people. 274 00:12:19,902 --> 00:12:22,575 Get back in the car. I'll re-route the sat nav. 275 00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,658 - Good luck with that! - (ENGINE STARTS) 276 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,932 No! No, not the Sc?nic! No! No! 277 00:12:26,982 --> 00:12:28,938 No! 278 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,779 Not again! 279 00:12:30,822 --> 00:12:32,301 Arrrgh! 280 00:12:33,702 --> 00:12:37,058 Straight away, when I go in, I'll say, "All the salad." 281 00:12:37,102 --> 00:12:41,414 And Carlos will look straight back at me and he'll say, "All the salad?" 282 00:12:41,462 --> 00:12:42,815 As if I haven't asked. 283 00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:46,696 I've already made it clear I want all the salad, and yet I still get asked. 284 00:12:47,702 --> 00:12:50,091 Maybe, Brian... 285 00:12:51,102 --> 00:12:53,377 ...maybe knowing you're with the right person 286 00:12:53,422 --> 00:12:56,380 is about not having to ask for salad at all. 287 00:12:58,662 --> 00:13:01,176 Well? Feedback? 288 00:13:01,222 --> 00:13:04,259 OK. I don't think love is remotely like ordering a kebab. 289 00:13:04,302 --> 00:13:08,341 Now, Jo, you said you thought it was due south, right? 290 00:13:08,382 --> 00:13:09,531 Yeah. 291 00:13:09,582 --> 00:13:11,140 - Well, is it or isn't it? - JO: Honestly? 292 00:13:11,182 --> 00:13:13,218 I don't know what due south means. 293 00:13:13,262 --> 00:13:14,536 Then why the hell did you say it? 294 00:13:14,582 --> 00:13:18,257 It's just you looked so cross and I saw a giant poo back there, 295 00:13:18,302 --> 00:13:21,180 which means the Beast of the Heath is probably following us. 296 00:13:21,222 --> 00:13:24,771 Jo, there is no mysterious creature roaming these woods, laying massive turds. 297 00:13:24,822 --> 00:13:27,814 Guys, I'm getting pretty stressed here. 298 00:13:27,862 --> 00:13:29,898 But as usual, you're getting stressed for the wrong reasons. 299 00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:31,580 No-one cares about your speech. 300 00:13:31,622 --> 00:13:34,295 Oh, OCD Tom Selleck! 301 00:13:34,342 --> 00:13:36,981 They care about your Sc?nic or your little seating plan, do they? 302 00:13:37,022 --> 00:13:40,298 Guys, is all this stress about me getting to the wedding on time? 303 00:13:40,342 --> 00:13:41,457 - Yes. - Of course it is. 304 00:13:41,502 --> 00:13:43,697 OK. I need to tell you something. 305 00:13:43,742 --> 00:13:47,655 I'm not letting this come off the rails when I am head usher. Not on my watch! 306 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,853 OK, I've got a plan. Shh. 307 00:13:52,382 --> 00:13:55,454 Right at the end, I'm going to yank some of my nose hairs out. 308 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,777 It'll make it look like I've been crying. 309 00:13:57,822 --> 00:14:01,576 She'll love it, Brian. It'll be really emotional. Brian? 310 00:14:05,102 --> 00:14:08,538 I've got a bad feeling about this. They're definitely late now. 311 00:14:08,582 --> 00:14:10,971 I'm sure they'll get here, Nesta. 312 00:14:11,022 --> 00:14:14,856 Daniel's a silly boy, but he wouldn't ruin Jo's wedding. 313 00:14:14,902 --> 00:14:16,415 The boy's a fool, Polly. 314 00:14:16,462 --> 00:14:18,498 They're a little late, aren't they? 315 00:14:19,542 --> 00:14:21,453 Hm, good teeth. 316 00:14:21,502 --> 00:14:24,858 Good breeding hips. Yes, I can see why he likes you. 317 00:14:24,902 --> 00:14:27,291 Nesta, we're not allowed. 318 00:14:27,342 --> 00:14:29,139 Shoo. 319 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,220 (OWL HOOTS) 320 00:14:33,262 --> 00:14:35,935 Can we stop for five minutes? We've been walking for hours. 321 00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:36,971 DAN AND BRIAN: No. 322 00:14:37,022 --> 00:14:40,810 It's OK. I sort of knew I wouldn't end up married today anyway. 323 00:14:40,862 --> 00:14:43,740 Jo, it's the bride's prerogative to be a little late. 324 00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:46,296 - Not on the Heath. - Oh, God. 325 00:14:46,342 --> 00:14:48,492 I... I tried to tell you earlier. 326 00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:49,577 Tell us now. 327 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:52,853 If the bride's more than three hours late, the groom marries someone else. 328 00:14:52,902 --> 00:14:55,416 It's pretty sweet, really. It means there's always a wedding. 329 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,737 - You backwards lunatics! - DAN: Come on, get up. 330 00:14:57,782 --> 00:14:59,579 - We can still make it. - Guys, you need to chill out. 331 00:14:59,622 --> 00:15:03,934 People won't know where to sit! They won't know the lyrics to the hymns! Oh, God! 332 00:15:03,982 --> 00:15:07,691 Mum and Nesta are ruining my future, as we speak! 333 00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:09,812 No, the other guests will be arriving now. 334 00:15:09,862 --> 00:15:12,535 Emma will be talking to her friend from school. 335 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:14,651 What friend? 336 00:15:14,702 --> 00:15:17,091 (FOLK MUSIC PLAYS) 337 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:19,098 - Alistair. - Hi. 338 00:15:19,142 --> 00:15:22,930 - I didn't know you were coming. - Looking lovely, Miss Lipsey. 339 00:15:22,982 --> 00:15:25,894 - You did what? - I thought you'd be pleased! 340 00:15:25,942 --> 00:15:28,615 Oh, fucking hell, Jo! 341 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:32,211 This was my last chance! It's all right for you two! 342 00:15:32,262 --> 00:15:34,776 You've found someone who doesn't mind how mental you are. 343 00:15:34,822 --> 00:15:38,053 He's even found someone who can put up with the tedium! 344 00:15:38,102 --> 00:15:42,334 I've got no-one! I go home to two old women! 345 00:15:42,382 --> 00:15:46,898 Do you understand? I'm the only one who hasn't got someone. I'm... 346 00:15:48,622 --> 00:15:51,534 I'm the only one who's alone. 347 00:15:53,302 --> 00:15:54,860 Oh, don't give me one of your smug looks. 348 00:15:54,902 --> 00:15:57,052 She wants a divorce. 349 00:16:01,102 --> 00:16:03,138 Julia. 350 00:16:03,182 --> 00:16:05,616 She wants a divorce. 351 00:16:05,662 --> 00:16:09,371 - Oh, Brian. - Oh, mate. 352 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:14,415 It seems there isn't someone who'll put up with my tedium. 353 00:16:15,862 --> 00:16:17,136 DAN: Oh. 354 00:16:18,702 --> 00:16:21,011 - I get it. - Do you? 355 00:16:22,062 --> 00:16:23,814 Of course. 356 00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:26,137 (SNORTS) You're gay, aren't you? 357 00:16:27,222 --> 00:16:29,213 (WHISPERS) All these years. 358 00:16:29,262 --> 00:16:31,298 What? No. 359 00:16:31,342 --> 00:16:34,539 Oh, sorry. I... I thought this was one of those moments. 360 00:16:34,582 --> 00:16:37,176 - No! - Oh. 361 00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:39,019 - (RUSTLING) - The Beast! 362 00:16:39,062 --> 00:16:41,622 I've told you, there's no such thing. 363 00:16:41,662 --> 00:16:44,620 I told you I saw those giant poos. 364 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:52,295 Hardly surprising, guys. I'm eating a lot of berries out here. 365 00:16:52,342 --> 00:16:53,491 Dom? 366 00:16:53,542 --> 00:16:55,419 We thought you were the Beast of the Heath. 367 00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:56,451 I wish. 368 00:16:56,502 --> 00:16:58,333 I've been tracking it for years. 369 00:16:58,382 --> 00:17:01,533 Once a year, I come and live in nature with a view to seeing it. 370 00:17:01,582 --> 00:17:03,334 Do you know how to get to the wedding barn? 371 00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:06,454 Of course! I am the Heath and the Heath is me. 372 00:17:06,502 --> 00:17:09,733 Guys, we can still make it. I've still got the speech. 373 00:17:09,782 --> 00:17:12,171 My jam burn's nowhere near as sore. 374 00:17:12,222 --> 00:17:14,178 Maybe... 375 00:17:15,622 --> 00:17:18,659 ...maybe this little guy did bring us luck. 376 00:17:18,702 --> 00:17:21,216 Maybe, for once, we're not the world's biggest losers. 377 00:17:21,262 --> 00:17:23,412 - (OWL HOOTS) - Dan, owl! It's after the mouse! 378 00:17:23,462 --> 00:17:24,611 - Oh! - (OWL SCREECHES) 379 00:17:24,662 --> 00:17:27,130 Oof! 380 00:17:27,182 --> 00:17:29,855 Oh! My fucking nose! 381 00:17:29,902 --> 00:17:31,574 (GROUP CHEERS) 382 00:17:31,622 --> 00:17:35,251 What a quaint tradition the "marry another" rule is. 383 00:17:35,302 --> 00:17:36,940 How I love the Heath! 384 00:17:36,982 --> 00:17:39,177 - You should stay for the dance, Dom. - I will. 385 00:17:39,222 --> 00:17:42,658 But know this, I have a simple rule. 386 00:17:42,702 --> 00:17:47,173 If I attend a wedding, I must make love to a woman. 387 00:17:47,222 --> 00:17:49,861 I must and I always do. 388 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,097 But first I must pop back to the Heath. 389 00:17:52,142 --> 00:17:54,815 I have some outsized faecal madness to lay. 390 00:17:55,862 --> 00:17:58,171 Dom, you don't think you might be the Heath Beast? 391 00:17:58,222 --> 00:18:00,213 (GIGGLES) 392 00:18:00,262 --> 00:18:04,016 Oh, my God! This will be the size of a seal! 393 00:18:04,062 --> 00:18:05,177 See you on the dance floor! 394 00:18:08,902 --> 00:18:11,416 - Sorry, Jay, we got lost. - Nah. 395 00:18:11,462 --> 00:18:14,295 Don't matter, monner. I married this 'un. Ha-ha. 396 00:18:14,342 --> 00:18:17,573 - So sweet. - Still upbeat. Incredible. 397 00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:19,260 It'll still be a great old party. 398 00:18:19,302 --> 00:18:21,099 I'll tell 8 Sausage Sunday to spark up. 399 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,894 Wicked. 400 00:18:25,182 --> 00:18:28,015 - Dan, Emma's over there. - Yeah, yeah, it's all right. 401 00:18:28,062 --> 00:18:30,018 I know when I'm beaten. 402 00:18:40,142 --> 00:18:41,700 Oh, my God. 403 00:18:42,742 --> 00:18:45,734 - It's him. - What? 404 00:18:45,782 --> 00:18:48,615 Dan. You've always loved him. 405 00:18:48,662 --> 00:18:51,222 No! 406 00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:53,059 But you were staring meaningfully at... 407 00:18:53,102 --> 00:18:54,820 Sorry. I thought it was one of those moments. 408 00:18:54,862 --> 00:18:56,773 No, I was looking at my mum. 409 00:19:04,462 --> 00:19:06,498 - Dan. - Oh. 410 00:19:06,542 --> 00:19:09,420 You finally made it. Looking good. (LAUGHS) 411 00:19:09,462 --> 00:19:11,817 Alistair, stop this, all right? 412 00:19:11,862 --> 00:19:13,739 I'm done. 413 00:19:13,782 --> 00:19:16,171 Oh, God. 414 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:17,894 Both of my nightmares at once. 415 00:19:17,942 --> 00:19:20,410 Daniel, it's not always about you. 416 00:19:20,462 --> 00:19:22,976 Alistair and I are going to join the festivities. 417 00:19:23,022 --> 00:19:24,535 I'm sorry, who are you? 418 00:19:24,582 --> 00:19:27,892 Why don't you go and say hello to your friend Emma? 419 00:19:27,942 --> 00:19:30,695 Come along, you. Come! 420 00:19:33,582 --> 00:19:35,812 - (MUM AND EMMA CHUCKLE) - (DAN CLEARS THROAT) 421 00:19:38,102 --> 00:19:39,660 (MOUTHS) 422 00:19:46,062 --> 00:19:47,051 Nice nose. 423 00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:50,492 - Yes. It's an owl attack. - Hm. 424 00:19:50,542 --> 00:19:53,181 It's all right, I get it. 425 00:19:53,222 --> 00:19:55,736 I concede. Go on, go with him. 426 00:19:57,782 --> 00:20:01,695 Dear God, Dan! I'm not interested in Alistair. 427 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,733 Aren't you? 428 00:20:03,782 --> 00:20:07,092 Oh, what? He's a good teacher so I must like him, right? 429 00:20:07,142 --> 00:20:09,019 - But... - Dan. 430 00:20:14,502 --> 00:20:16,777 - Marry me. - What? 431 00:20:16,822 --> 00:20:18,335 Tonight. 432 00:20:18,382 --> 00:20:21,180 Why not? The vicar's still here, so... 433 00:20:25,502 --> 00:20:27,697 - Why? - What? 434 00:20:27,742 --> 00:20:30,131 Why do you want to marry me? 435 00:20:33,262 --> 00:20:34,581 Cos I love you. So... 436 00:20:35,982 --> 00:20:37,461 You... 437 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:38,491 (LAUGHS) 438 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,897 You silly bugger. 439 00:20:43,622 --> 00:20:45,613 (TUTS) Come here. 440 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,621 All right? 441 00:20:57,662 --> 00:21:00,893 You've got a nerve, showing up here, Charlie Burrows. 442 00:21:02,142 --> 00:21:03,700 Where's Brian's Sc?nic? 443 00:21:03,742 --> 00:21:07,098 Sorry, mon, we wrote her off, doing drag races on the farm. 444 00:21:08,582 --> 00:21:12,336 Doesn't matter. Julia got it in the divorce settlement anyway. 445 00:21:12,382 --> 00:21:13,861 Bit of karma. 446 00:21:13,902 --> 00:21:16,974 Oh, Brian. Shall we get some cider? 447 00:21:17,022 --> 00:21:22,335 No. I think drinking in this frame of mind could be a little dangerous. 448 00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:25,818 I'll go and find Barbara. She's normally got a Capri Sun for me in her bag. 449 00:21:29,542 --> 00:21:34,138 Don't fancy coming to the farm one day, do you? Bought a new rake. 450 00:21:34,182 --> 00:21:36,457 Do you like... do you like Chomps? 451 00:21:39,422 --> 00:21:41,378 (FOLK MUSIC PLAYS) 452 00:21:41,422 --> 00:21:45,051 I've got a cow! I've got a cow! 453 00:21:45,102 --> 00:21:48,651 I've got me own fucking cow! 454 00:21:48,702 --> 00:21:52,251 You want a sow? I've got a cow! 455 00:21:52,302 --> 00:21:56,454 So let's not row! Let's just dance now... 456 00:22:03,582 --> 00:22:07,370 If we take a little drink we'll stay over the night 457 00:22:07,422 --> 00:22:09,936 So long as we get there it'll be all right 458 00:22:09,982 --> 00:22:14,021 But nothing's for nothing, this night is for keeps 459 00:22:14,062 --> 00:22:17,020 Doesn't matter if you fall down but nobody sleeps 460 00:22:17,062 --> 00:22:21,260 If we don't get there soon then we'll surely never know 461 00:22:21,302 --> 00:22:22,974 So fill her up and foot down... 462 00:22:23,022 --> 00:22:25,820 Oh. He won't be troubling you any more. 463 00:22:25,862 --> 00:22:27,500 What do you mean? 464 00:22:27,542 --> 00:22:30,215 He's an even bigger wimp than you are. 465 00:22:30,262 --> 00:22:31,251 Though I admit, 466 00:22:31,302 --> 00:22:37,093 I did ask Weasel to add rather more hot jam to his pie than was strictly fair. 467 00:22:39,022 --> 00:22:41,217 DAN: Oh. 468 00:22:41,262 --> 00:22:44,538 (SIGHS) That's very sweet of you, Nesta. 469 00:22:44,582 --> 00:22:47,858 I can't keep fighting your battles for you. 470 00:22:47,902 --> 00:22:52,817 So, listen, you go and you secure that girl Emma while he's out of the picture. 471 00:22:52,862 --> 00:22:56,218 Tell her you're ready to breed now. 472 00:22:57,222 --> 00:22:58,211 She's leaving. 473 00:22:58,262 --> 00:23:00,935 Hm? So soon? But the party's only just starting. 474 00:23:00,982 --> 00:23:04,292 No, I mean she's leaving. 475 00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:06,378 She's got a head teacher's post overseas. 476 00:23:07,422 --> 00:23:09,299 But I... I thought that... 477 00:23:09,342 --> 00:23:11,219 So did I. 478 00:23:14,742 --> 00:23:17,381 (TUTS) Hug from Auntie? 479 00:23:18,422 --> 00:23:21,858 Yeah. Yeah, it does feel like one of those moments. 480 00:23:26,142 --> 00:23:28,212 Oh! 481 00:23:28,262 --> 00:23:31,891 What are we going to do with you, Daniel? 482 00:23:33,942 --> 00:23:36,979 Some neighbours are leaving, some are standing their ground 483 00:23:37,022 --> 00:23:40,492 Tell your boss there's no way he can reach you on the phone 484 00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:44,330 There's enough in the tank to get us all back home 485 00:24:12,222 --> 00:24:16,374 And there's a crowd in a house on the outside of town... 486 00:24:18,442 --> 00:24:26,442 487 00:24:26,492 --> 00:24:31,042 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38086

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.