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1
00:00:02,470 --> 00:00:06,270
That was interesting.
Yeah, it's bloody chaos here!
2
00:00:06,349 --> 00:00:11,728
Yeah, if I didn't know you were
in charge, I'd think no-one was. Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry about Karen.
3
00:00:11,788 --> 00:00:13,948
I don't normally have
to slam them down that hard.
4
00:00:14,027 --> 00:00:16,427
Well, if a little girl insults you so
openly...
5
00:00:16,428 --> 00:00:18,425
Thank you!
6
00:00:18,426 --> 00:00:20,626
So where are you off to next, maths?
Take a book.
7
00:00:22,786 --> 00:00:24,946
No. No, they're good as
gold over there.
8
00:00:24,946 --> 00:00:26,745
They're...
9
00:00:26,746 --> 00:00:30,425
They're workers.
10
00:00:30,426 --> 00:00:32,786
How many opted for
drama GCSE last year?
11
00:00:32,787 --> 00:00:34,505
GCSE drama?
12
00:00:34,506 --> 00:00:38,506
Piece of piss!
Shouldn't be a real subject.
13
00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:42,465
Seven. Seven?
14
00:00:42,466 --> 00:00:45,786
OK, thanks.
15
00:00:45,786 --> 00:00:49,786
Emma, see you for the management
meeting at one. Yeah.
16
00:00:50,866 --> 00:00:54,866
I mean, they're proper headcases,
though, the seven.
17
00:00:55,266 --> 00:00:56,786
That fucking little rat, Karen.
18
00:00:56,787 --> 00:00:59,065
You can't talk to the kids like
that. Oh, right,
19
00:00:59,066 --> 00:01:01,545
you'd let a child call you "a jowly
turd", would you? Well,
20
00:01:01,546 --> 00:01:04,306
I wouldn't have resorted to
cussing her mother. Come on, Emma.
21
00:01:04,306 --> 00:01:06,465
You've seen the woman,
she looks like a moth.
22
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:09,145
And why is he being all
mysterious about the GCSE?
23
00:01:09,146 --> 00:01:10,906
Leaving a big pause after seven.
24
00:01:10,907 --> 00:01:12,386
"Seven."
25
00:01:12,386 --> 00:01:15,625
He thinks he's fucking Poirot! I
can't keep covering your arse, Dan.
26
00:01:15,626 --> 00:01:18,065
He doesn't like the arts.
He's made that clear.
27
00:01:18,066 --> 00:01:21,665
You need to add some serious value
to your department.
28
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:24,425
Do you know what that means?
Yes, I know what that means.
29
00:01:24,426 --> 00:01:26,185
It means letting the
new head tea bag me.
30
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,866
"Oh, hello, new head, oooh..."
31
00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:31,305
"...Ooh, let's get these
all squeaky clean.
32
00:01:31,306 --> 00:01:33,986
"Are you waxing these?
They're very soft."
33
00:01:36,906 --> 00:01:40,785
U-u-um...
34
00:01:40,786 --> 00:01:44,426
I'm sorry, I don't know where that
came from. I'm very tired.
35
00:01:44,426 --> 00:01:46,225
Anyway...
36
00:01:46,226 --> 00:01:50,226
would you like to go for another
drink sometime?
37
00:01:53,106 --> 00:01:54,584
No?
38
00:01:54,651 --> 00:02:19,216
39
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,025
Well, well, well.
40
00:02:22,026 --> 00:02:25,586
No surprise there.
41
00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:29,145
My God, social convention means
nothing to you, does it?
42
00:02:29,146 --> 00:02:30,625
No.
43
00:02:30,626 --> 00:02:31,865
What does it mean?
44
00:02:31,866 --> 00:02:35,465
I throw down the paper and say
something to draw your attention,
45
00:02:35,466 --> 00:02:38,945
so you say...
46
00:02:38,946 --> 00:02:40,505
Hello, Brian. No!
47
00:02:40,506 --> 00:02:43,465
No, you don't say, "Hello, Brian,"
you ask me what's on my mind.
48
00:02:43,466 --> 00:02:46,065
I didn't realise you were talking
to me. You didn't say, "Jo."
49
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,545
You and I are the only ones here.
Shakira's over there.
50
00:02:48,546 --> 00:02:50,705
I wasn't speaking loud enough
for Shakira to hear,
51
00:02:50,706 --> 00:02:54,706
so I must have been speaking to you.
Oi!
52
00:02:54,946 --> 00:02:57,305
What about Big Dave Bowers?
He's behind me.
53
00:02:57,306 --> 00:02:59,945
I would have turned my head
if I was speaking to Big Dave Bowers.
54
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,825
What? Sorry, Dave,
I wasn't talking to you.
55
00:03:01,826 --> 00:03:04,225
You said my name.
Jesus Christ!
56
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,905
All right? Special, please, Shakira.
57
00:03:06,906 --> 00:03:08,985
Bob, egg invasion!
58
00:03:08,986 --> 00:03:12,026
Egg invasion?! That's a sharing
plate. Do you want a heart attack?
59
00:03:12,027 --> 00:03:15,026
Yes, I do, actually. The sweet
release of my inevitable coronary
60
00:03:15,026 --> 00:03:17,265
will be better than taking children
to the theatre.
61
00:03:17,266 --> 00:03:19,145
Oh, my God!
62
00:03:19,146 --> 00:03:21,185
Amazing! The theatre?
63
00:03:21,186 --> 00:03:24,785
That's where they have all those
mad horses and that, isn't it?
64
00:03:24,786 --> 00:03:26,265
I don't know, I've never been.
65
00:03:26,266 --> 00:03:28,145
What's on? I don't know.
66
00:03:28,146 --> 00:03:29,426
I just went to the box office
67
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,785
and said, "30 tickets for
whatever shit you've got on."
68
00:03:31,786 --> 00:03:33,585
The Phant.
69
00:03:33,586 --> 00:03:36,545
That'll be in here.
I wouldn't rely on that rag.
70
00:03:36,546 --> 00:03:39,625
Last week's scoop was a story
about a farting dentist.
71
00:03:39,626 --> 00:03:40,945
Tabloid rubbish.
72
00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:43,745
I've told you, if you want to get
a letter published in the paper,
73
00:03:43,746 --> 00:03:46,825
stop writing about untidy
roundabouts. It's a bloody eyesore!
74
00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:48,865
Oh, my God, listen to this.
75
00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:50,865
"This re-imagining of
the John Merrick story
76
00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:54,746
"stars an excellent cast
and local boy Geoff Doogan!"
77
00:03:56,466 --> 00:03:58,825
Oi!
78
00:03:58,826 --> 00:04:00,305
Geoff Doogan?!
79
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:03,105
Deadly Doogan. Duffer Doogan.
80
00:04:03,106 --> 00:04:05,345
Two can play that game. Oh...
81
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,665
He's back.
82
00:04:06,666 --> 00:04:09,425
Geoff Doogan from our school?
Nice lad.
83
00:04:09,426 --> 00:04:10,665
What?!
84
00:04:10,666 --> 00:04:13,345
He made my life hell, Brian.
85
00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:15,425
Why do you think I'm all
Pip Schofield?
86
00:04:15,426 --> 00:04:17,425
How come you two haven't
got grey hair?
87
00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:19,905
It's because Jo and I are
six years younger than you.
88
00:04:19,906 --> 00:04:23,906
Because when you were in sixth form,
your best friends were two Year 7s.
89
00:04:24,146 --> 00:04:27,025
I've got to go to work.
90
00:04:27,026 --> 00:04:30,945
Geoff Doogan, a proper actor.
91
00:04:30,946 --> 00:04:33,185
I hope he gets to see me
do my new job.
92
00:04:33,186 --> 00:04:35,705
What new job?
93
00:04:35,706 --> 00:04:37,145
Whatever I said
94
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:39,345
Whatever I did,
I didn't mean it...
95
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:41,426
Gary Barlow's got a beard.
I'm Howard.
96
00:04:41,426 --> 00:04:44,145
So has he. I'm Jason.
He's left. I'm Mark.
97
00:04:44,146 --> 00:04:48,146
Uncanny.
98
00:04:55,146 --> 00:04:57,825
Problems, Dan?
99
00:04:57,826 --> 00:04:59,305
Oh, God!
100
00:04:59,306 --> 00:05:03,306
Hello, Dom.
101
00:05:04,506 --> 00:05:07,505
Whalebone.
Look, what do you want, mate?
102
00:05:07,506 --> 00:05:10,105
We meet on Thursdays, my place.
My card.
103
00:05:10,106 --> 00:05:12,385
Yes, with respect,
104
00:05:12,386 --> 00:05:14,425
the last time that you helped me,
I shat myself
105
00:05:14,426 --> 00:05:18,426
in front of my girlfriend and now
she lives with another man, so...
106
00:05:20,026 --> 00:05:22,985
The bottom ones are burnt.
I'm not hiding it.
107
00:05:22,986 --> 00:05:25,905
It's not running club,
I use a different discipline now.
108
00:05:25,906 --> 00:05:29,306
I think you may find it interesting.
109
00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:34,905
I feel a bit stupid now I'm here.
110
00:05:34,906 --> 00:05:37,065
I sort of came for some advice.
111
00:05:37,066 --> 00:05:38,865
It's Geoff, Dad.
112
00:05:38,866 --> 00:05:40,825
Doogan's back.
113
00:05:40,826 --> 00:05:42,865
And I know you'd be laughing at me,
114
00:05:42,866 --> 00:05:46,225
and saying,
"Oooh, you're a chicken," and...
115
00:05:46,226 --> 00:05:48,425
...probably saying
that my penis is tiny.
116
00:05:48,426 --> 00:05:52,426
Tiny like a wine stopper, I know.
117
00:05:52,466 --> 00:05:54,465
But I think you'd also
tell me what to do.
118
00:05:54,466 --> 00:05:56,585
Yeah, I just read that, er,
119
00:05:56,586 --> 00:05:59,905
The Curious Incident
Of The Dog In The Night-Time.
120
00:05:59,906 --> 00:06:03,906
No joke of a lie, Stan, it's better
than that, er the old, um...
121
00:06:04,546 --> 00:06:06,065
Sorry, mate?
122
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,105
..Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
123
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,865
Could you...?
124
00:06:09,866 --> 00:06:11,625
Have you read it? I've seen the film.
125
00:06:11,626 --> 00:06:14,465
Superb adaptation.
126
00:06:14,466 --> 00:06:16,585
You know how much
I like Emma, Dad...
127
00:06:16,586 --> 00:06:20,586
Absolutely lovely chat with the chap
kneeling down in beige trousers,
128
00:06:21,666 --> 00:06:24,225
just above your head to the left.
129
00:06:24,226 --> 00:06:27,465
He's er... Mate, I'm sorry,
could you talk to your...?
130
00:06:27,466 --> 00:06:28,705
Uncle.
131
00:06:28,706 --> 00:06:31,185
Could you talk to your uncle quietly
132
00:06:31,186 --> 00:06:32,625
and not about me?
133
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,745
Oh, right, I do beg your pardon.
134
00:06:34,746 --> 00:06:38,425
OK.
135
00:06:38,426 --> 00:06:40,345
Have you seen
Forgetting Sarah Marshall?
136
00:06:40,346 --> 00:06:43,625
Shut up! Shut up!
137
00:06:43,626 --> 00:06:47,545
Honestly, mate. You are so boring!
138
00:06:47,546 --> 00:06:51,305
So boring!
139
00:06:51,306 --> 00:06:55,306
What am I doing down here?
140
00:06:57,946 --> 00:06:59,145
Here he is.
141
00:06:59,146 --> 00:07:01,065
Ah, Daniel.
142
00:07:01,066 --> 00:07:04,745
Not now, Nesta, please.
Your mother is very worried.
143
00:07:04,746 --> 00:07:05,785
I am. Why?
144
00:07:05,786 --> 00:07:08,145
Have the EU made it illegal
to nibble shortbread
145
00:07:08,146 --> 00:07:09,665
and obsess about the weather?
146
00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:12,065
Big Dave Bowers told me
147
00:07:12,066 --> 00:07:14,025
Geoff Doogan is in town.
148
00:07:14,026 --> 00:07:15,905
And I know how much he made you cry.
149
00:07:15,906 --> 00:07:18,625
What the hell are you doing
talking to Big Dave Bowers?
150
00:07:18,626 --> 00:07:20,665
Well, I went to buy some chops.
151
00:07:20,666 --> 00:07:23,865
Hmm, pissy little things they were
too, but I'll deal with Bowers later.
152
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:26,745
The point is, we cannot have you,
a grown man, quivering
153
00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:30,585
like a cornered shrew because your
old bully is back in town. We can't.
154
00:07:30,586 --> 00:07:32,025
How long is she staying?
155
00:07:32,026 --> 00:07:33,585
It's been three months.
156
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:36,585
Should you not be back at the farm,
randomly executing wildlife?
157
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:37,825
Boy's hysterical.
158
00:07:37,826 --> 00:07:41,826
Leave him to me, Polly.
159
00:07:43,226 --> 00:07:47,226
Right, come here, boy.
What? Come!
160
00:07:50,026 --> 00:07:53,425
Now, Daniel, you throw
a bucket of water over a lesbian,
161
00:07:53,426 --> 00:07:55,785
she'll be shocked for a moment.
And then an hour later,
162
00:07:55,786 --> 00:07:58,345
she'll be back scissoring
one of her short-haired friends,
163
00:07:58,346 --> 00:07:59,785
and why shouldn't she be?
164
00:07:59,786 --> 00:08:02,345
Do you take my point?
165
00:08:02,346 --> 00:08:03,465
No!
166
00:08:03,466 --> 00:08:05,025
Role play it is, then.
167
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:08,265
Oh... You'll be Geoff Doogan,
I'll be you.
168
00:08:08,266 --> 00:08:10,506
Jesus Christ!
169
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:14,745
Oh, that's me, is it?
170
00:08:14,746 --> 00:08:17,945
Oh, come on, boy, what is the
worst thing he's ever said to you?
171
00:08:17,946 --> 00:08:19,746
Nesta, please.
172
00:08:21,746 --> 00:08:23,865
OK, you want to do this,
let's do this.
173
00:08:23,866 --> 00:08:26,665
Oi, Davies, you pissy bag of asthma!
174
00:08:26,666 --> 00:08:28,825
Where you been? Round the back
of the sports hall
175
00:08:28,826 --> 00:08:30,145
drinking from your own wang?
176
00:08:30,146 --> 00:08:32,065
No, Geoff Doogan.
177
00:08:32,066 --> 00:08:33,705
I am making soup -
178
00:08:33,706 --> 00:08:37,706
a hearty food favoured by men!
179
00:08:38,026 --> 00:08:40,505
Take that!
180
00:08:40,506 --> 00:08:43,105
Ow!
181
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,345
OH!
182
00:08:44,346 --> 00:08:47,145
Right, end the bullying!
183
00:08:47,146 --> 00:08:50,225
Hug me, Geoff, I'm the pack leader.
184
00:08:50,226 --> 00:08:51,345
You've...
185
00:08:51,346 --> 00:08:55,346
You've burnt my penis!
186
00:08:57,506 --> 00:09:01,065
Oh, sir, has the elephant
escaped or something?
187
00:09:01,066 --> 00:09:04,945
It's not a real elephant, Robin,
is it, you bitch?
188
00:09:04,946 --> 00:09:06,705
He's cancelled it, miss.
189
00:09:06,706 --> 00:09:08,505
What?
190
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,505
Apparently he's ill.
191
00:09:11,506 --> 00:09:14,825
What's the matter with you?
Dan?
192
00:09:14,826 --> 00:09:16,625
You're going to make me say it,
aren't you?
193
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:19,465
In front of the children.
All right,
194
00:09:19,466 --> 00:09:20,585
I've got a soup burn...
195
00:09:20,586 --> 00:09:21,945
down there.
196
00:09:21,946 --> 00:09:24,585
Sir's burnt his dick.
197
00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:28,345
Mr Davies, this trip...
198
00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:29,545
..is happening.
199
00:09:29,546 --> 00:09:32,945
Oh, it was fine for you to cancel a
trip to Chatterley Gardens, though,
200
00:09:32,946 --> 00:09:33,985
wasn't it?
201
00:09:33,986 --> 00:09:35,385
My mother had died!
202
00:09:35,386 --> 00:09:39,386
Oh, yes, I'm so sorry. Get off!
203
00:09:41,226 --> 00:09:43,545
A trip, eh? Impressive.
204
00:09:43,546 --> 00:09:45,498
Almost a real subject.
205
00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:53,575
Guys, please greet
Dan the usual way.
206
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,775
Peace and
absolute knowledge, Dan.
207
00:09:55,776 --> 00:09:59,215
These guys are a little further ahead
in the process, Dan.
208
00:09:59,216 --> 00:10:00,775
Yeah.
209
00:10:00,776 --> 00:10:04,176
Dom, I'm sorry, I don't think
I want to be part of the process.
210
00:10:04,177 --> 00:10:06,775
Well, you should -
the process is incredible.
211
00:10:06,776 --> 00:10:08,336
Thank you, Maxwell,
212
00:10:08,336 --> 00:10:10,614
you've made great progress since
you've been through your regression.
213
00:10:10,615 --> 00:10:12,256
I'm still scared of that tiny man,
though.
214
00:10:12,256 --> 00:10:13,295
It will take time.
215
00:10:13,296 --> 00:10:16,895
He chased me for ages.
Maxwell...
216
00:10:16,896 --> 00:10:18,215
..the floor isn't yours today.
217
00:10:18,216 --> 00:10:19,375
Sorry.
218
00:10:19,376 --> 00:10:20,575
What does he need to face?
219
00:10:20,576 --> 00:10:22,855
I'm all right, actually.
I'm going to go.
220
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:26,856
The memory of a vile young man
who tortured him as a youngster.
221
00:10:26,896 --> 00:10:30,015
Did he say you look like
Sloth from The Goonies?
222
00:10:30,016 --> 00:10:32,095
No. You do.
223
00:10:32,096 --> 00:10:34,215
You want to have a look in
the mirror, mate.
224
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:35,415
You've got a nose like a cob loaf!
225
00:10:35,416 --> 00:10:36,695
There's no need for that!
226
00:10:36,696 --> 00:10:39,895
OK, guys, that's not helpful.
227
00:10:39,896 --> 00:10:43,855
Dan, are you willing to enter
into this process,
228
00:10:43,856 --> 00:10:47,856
go back and, um, face this ghost?
229
00:10:56,696 --> 00:11:00,696
Oh, fuck it, all right.
230
00:11:01,096 --> 00:11:05,096
When I realised Bruce Willis
was actually dead,
231
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:09,015
you could have blown me down
with a feather.
232
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:10,815
All right.
So, can I speak to Geoff now?
233
00:11:10,816 --> 00:11:13,375
Er, yeah, here he comes now.
234
00:11:13,376 --> 00:11:16,015
Geoff, hello. Hello there.
235
00:11:16,016 --> 00:11:18,135
Afternoon, Martin.
236
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,975
Geoff? It's me.
237
00:11:19,976 --> 00:11:22,615
Er, whoa, Mr Doogan has to prepare.
238
00:11:22,616 --> 00:11:24,295
Well, they do though, don't they?
239
00:11:24,296 --> 00:11:28,215
I used to enjoy that
Inside The Actors' Studio.
240
00:11:28,216 --> 00:11:30,655
I just need a word, he knows me,
I went to school with him.
241
00:11:30,656 --> 00:11:33,335
Did you ever see
the Marlon Brando episode of
242
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:35,376
Inside The Actors' Studio?
243
00:11:35,376 --> 00:11:36,895
Look, I don't want to be rude,
244
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,896
but I'm trying to write a piece
for the local paper.
245
00:11:38,897 --> 00:11:41,535
Oh, journalism.
246
00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:44,855
Hmm. I expect you're always looking
for the scoop
247
00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:47,655
while trying to not get in
over your head,
248
00:11:47,656 --> 00:11:51,656
like The Parallax View
with Warren Beatty.
249
00:11:51,896 --> 00:11:55,375
Remember it.
Remember it. Remember it.
250
00:11:55,376 --> 00:11:56,775
Remember it. Remember it.
251
00:11:56,776 --> 00:11:59,535
Remember it. Remember it.
Remember it.
252
00:11:59,536 --> 00:12:02,415
Remember it. Remember it.
Remember it. Remember it...
253
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:03,775
No!
254
00:12:03,776 --> 00:12:05,215
Wargh! Ha-ha!
255
00:12:05,216 --> 00:12:07,456
..Remember it. Remember it...
256
00:12:11,176 --> 00:12:14,055
Thanks for the rope, Davies!
257
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:16,015
I can't believe you tied him up
with his own rope.
258
00:12:16,016 --> 00:12:18,575
You said you wanted to make
a massive cat's cradle.
259
00:12:18,576 --> 00:12:22,495
Ha-ha-ha, you twat! Lads, rubber-up.
260
00:12:22,496 --> 00:12:24,535
No...
261
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:27,895
No!
Like your new earrings, Davies?
262
00:12:27,896 --> 00:12:30,215
Please, Geoff Doogan, let me go.
263
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:31,896
Take his shorts down, boys.
264
00:12:33,976 --> 00:12:35,175
Not the crab!
265
00:12:35,176 --> 00:12:37,775
Not the crab! Yes, Davies.
266
00:12:37,776 --> 00:12:41,535
Feel the snap of his mighty claw!
Feel it!
267
00:12:41,536 --> 00:12:42,615
No!
268
00:12:42,616 --> 00:12:45,175
Argh! Aaarrgh!
269
00:12:45,176 --> 00:12:47,775
Aaaargh! Aaaaaaargh!
270
00:12:47,776 --> 00:12:49,495
Argh! Stop, men! Stop.
271
00:12:49,496 --> 00:12:50,935
We've pushed him too far.
272
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,936
That is bloody ridiculous!
None of that happened.
273
00:12:55,056 --> 00:12:58,255
Dan, you must deal with
your past demons head-on.
274
00:12:58,256 --> 00:13:00,575
I mean, literally none
of that happened.
275
00:13:00,576 --> 00:13:03,496
Yes, I was bullied,
but he didn't put condoms on my ears
276
00:13:03,496 --> 00:13:06,456
and he certainly didn't get a crab
to bite my penis. What?!
277
00:13:06,457 --> 00:13:08,655
But we regressed you.
278
00:13:08,656 --> 00:13:10,215
Argh!
279
00:13:10,216 --> 00:13:11,975
Aaargh!
280
00:13:11,976 --> 00:13:13,376
Is that The Proclaimers?
281
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,416
Like I say, none of that happened.
282
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,095
Well, you keep rubbing your penis.
283
00:13:22,096 --> 00:13:23,335
Yes.
284
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,095
My aunt burnt it with some soup.
285
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:28,895
Excuse me.
286
00:13:28,896 --> 00:13:31,095
Oh, I've just thought,
287
00:13:31,096 --> 00:13:32,895
it might've been a child chasing me.
288
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:34,575
Silence, Maxwell!
289
00:13:34,576 --> 00:13:35,935
Well, how about Michael Jackson?
290
00:13:35,936 --> 00:13:38,415
Not a problem.
291
00:13:38,416 --> 00:13:40,135
There you are.
292
00:13:40,136 --> 00:13:42,735
I've been sitting in the cafe
for half an hour.
293
00:13:42,736 --> 00:13:44,976
Sorry, I was just... watching Jo.
294
00:13:49,656 --> 00:13:53,215
She's bulletproof, you know.
295
00:13:53,216 --> 00:13:55,975
Why can't
I shake off the memory of Doogan?
296
00:13:55,976 --> 00:13:57,335
You've got to let it go, Dan.
297
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,895
I doubt if Geoff even remembers you.
298
00:13:59,896 --> 00:14:02,175
He certainly doesn't remember me.
299
00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:04,295
Invisible Ames strikes again.
300
00:14:04,296 --> 00:14:07,896
What makes you think
he doesn't remember you?
301
00:14:07,896 --> 00:14:08,935
I just thought if I had
302
00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:11,136
an exclusive interview with
the star of The Phant, I'd...
303
00:14:11,137 --> 00:14:13,095
Get into the Herald?!
304
00:14:13,096 --> 00:14:14,655
You bastard!
305
00:14:14,656 --> 00:14:16,535
For God's sake, it was 30 years ago.
306
00:14:16,536 --> 00:14:17,575
Do the foot thing again.
307
00:14:17,576 --> 00:14:20,055
Yee-hee. Whoo!
308
00:14:20,056 --> 00:14:22,335
You know how I feel about Geoff.
309
00:14:22,336 --> 00:14:23,895
After everything he did.
310
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:26,695
I will not be ignored, not any more.
311
00:14:26,696 --> 00:14:29,375
Not by you,
not by those idiots at the Herald.
312
00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:32,255
Christ, it's bad enough at home!
313
00:14:32,256 --> 00:14:36,256
Uh. Mm. Whoo.
314
00:14:36,856 --> 00:14:39,175
What are you doing?!
315
00:14:39,176 --> 00:14:40,655
I've burnt my penis.
316
00:14:40,656 --> 00:14:42,535
As if you care.
317
00:14:42,536 --> 00:14:44,255
Traitor! Me?!
318
00:14:44,256 --> 00:14:47,255
OK, what's my middle name?
319
00:14:47,256 --> 00:14:48,415
What?
320
00:14:48,416 --> 00:14:52,416
You've known me for 30 years,
what's my middle name?
321
00:14:55,216 --> 00:14:58,856
Hmm.
322
00:14:59,896 --> 00:15:03,016
Any donations?
323
00:15:11,976 --> 00:15:15,415
Bit of a bummer,
only got three Mentos.
324
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:17,095
How do you deal with it, mate?
325
00:15:17,096 --> 00:15:18,895
Deal with what?
326
00:15:18,896 --> 00:15:21,295
When people are unkind?
327
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:24,895
I dunno.
Luckily, no-one ever has been.
328
00:15:24,896 --> 00:15:27,535
Jo, those boys were...
329
00:15:27,536 --> 00:15:30,135
What?
330
00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:32,015
Nothing.
331
00:15:32,016 --> 00:15:33,695
If you're worried about bullies,
332
00:15:33,696 --> 00:15:36,015
you should get a personal alarm.
333
00:15:36,016 --> 00:15:39,176
Mad Nobby sold me one.
334
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,935
That's not a personal alarm.
335
00:15:43,936 --> 00:15:46,215
Well, I've never been attacked.
336
00:15:46,216 --> 00:15:49,615
Good.
337
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,295
I'm so excited.
338
00:15:51,296 --> 00:15:53,175
This play's brilliant.
339
00:15:53,176 --> 00:15:55,495
This is the foyer!
340
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:58,535
Oh, bloody hell, Dennis,
have you got enough sweets?
341
00:15:58,536 --> 00:15:59,575
No!
342
00:15:59,576 --> 00:16:01,735
We're supposed to be keeping
a low profile.
343
00:16:01,736 --> 00:16:04,175
You know what he's like. If he eats
that many E numbers, he'll go chimp.
344
00:16:04,176 --> 00:16:06,775
Sir, can I give the elephant
some popcorn?
345
00:16:06,776 --> 00:16:08,335
I have tried to tell you,
346
00:16:08,336 --> 00:16:09,775
there is no elephant.
347
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,935
If you ask me again,
you and I have got a problem.
348
00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:14,015
Look at me, Robin!
349
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:16,815
Where's Brian?
He's not coming.
350
00:16:16,816 --> 00:16:18,695
We've had a row, and I'm glad.
351
00:16:18,696 --> 00:16:21,495
Don't be mental.
This is perfect for Brian.
352
00:16:21,496 --> 00:16:25,496
Give me the ticket,
I'll leave it in the box office.
353
00:16:27,176 --> 00:16:30,415
I'm afraid
he still doesn't remember you, sir.
354
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,615
Well, it'll be the moustache.
355
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,135
Didn't you have that at school?
356
00:16:34,136 --> 00:16:36,095
Of course not!
357
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,415
Some kids do.
358
00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:40,975
I had a friend who was very keen on
the work of that, er,
359
00:16:40,976 --> 00:16:42,415
Tom Selleck.
360
00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:45,455
God, you're tedious!
361
00:16:45,456 --> 00:16:46,775
Ladies and gentlemen,
362
00:16:46,776 --> 00:16:49,936
The Phant will start in one minute.
One minute.
363
00:16:51,936 --> 00:16:53,695
Look how close we are to the front.
364
00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:57,696
Sir, I feel really angry!
365
00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:11,376
Sir, is that the elephant? Shh!
366
00:17:11,376 --> 00:17:15,376
London, 1864.
367
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:19,415
My name is John... Merrick.
368
00:17:19,416 --> 00:17:23,416
Hello, I'm Jo!
369
00:17:23,496 --> 00:17:26,175
So sad. Geoff is brilliant.
370
00:17:26,176 --> 00:17:29,696
I'll tell you what's sad, you don't
know how the theatre works.
371
00:17:29,696 --> 00:17:32,376
Oh, I'm going to have to go
to the toilet.
372
00:17:32,377 --> 00:17:33,775
My dick scorch is killing me.
373
00:17:33,776 --> 00:17:37,776
Get some booze in.
374
00:17:38,456 --> 00:17:41,695
Miss, can I buy the elephant
some Skittles?
375
00:17:41,696 --> 00:17:45,655
Robin, elephants don't eat Skittles,
silly.
376
00:17:45,656 --> 00:17:48,295
I'll nip to the garage in a minute
and get some peanuts.
377
00:17:48,296 --> 00:17:52,296
They love peanuts.
378
00:17:52,416 --> 00:17:54,615
I'm back!
379
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:55,655
Who are you?
380
00:17:55,656 --> 00:17:57,895
It's me, from before.
381
00:17:57,896 --> 00:17:59,895
I'm the one doing
the Herald piece for Geoff Doogan.
382
00:17:59,896 --> 00:18:02,375
Why have you
shaved your moustache off?
383
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:06,376
To grease the wheels of recognition.
Could you get him?
384
00:18:06,416 --> 00:18:10,416
It's the interval now, sir.
Mr Doogan is relaxing.
385
00:18:10,936 --> 00:18:12,055
Get him!
386
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:15,096
Raising your voice
isn't going to help you, is it, sir?
387
00:18:16,536 --> 00:18:18,535
The pages of history are littered
with shouters, all...
388
00:18:18,536 --> 00:18:21,655
Ha! My friend's got me a ticket
at the box office.
389
00:18:21,656 --> 00:18:24,695
Let's see if I can get to
Geoff Doogan that way, shall we,
390
00:18:24,696 --> 00:18:28,495
you... twit?
391
00:18:28,496 --> 00:18:32,215
Ooh... It's puffed-up
like a papaya fruit down there.
392
00:18:32,216 --> 00:18:34,815
Theatre's wicked.
You get free cocktails.
393
00:18:34,816 --> 00:18:38,295
I got you a Margaret Powell.
394
00:18:38,296 --> 00:18:42,296
And I've got a Mr D Stewart.
395
00:18:43,496 --> 00:18:44,575
Tastes like wine.
396
00:18:44,576 --> 00:18:47,095
Jo, these are people's
pre-ordered interval drinks.
397
00:18:47,096 --> 00:18:49,895
It's mental at the theatre.
398
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:52,975
Ladies and gentlemen, the second half of
The Phant will commence in two minutes.
399
00:18:52,976 --> 00:18:55,015
I'll see you inside.
I've got to do something.
400
00:18:55,016 --> 00:18:57,575
Jo. Jo!
401
00:18:57,576 --> 00:19:00,735
Well, it says I'll recognise
Brian Ames,
402
00:19:00,736 --> 00:19:02,775
because he has a distinctive
moustache.
403
00:19:02,776 --> 00:19:06,135
Yes. I've just been home
and shaved it off.
404
00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:07,255
Why?
405
00:19:07,256 --> 00:19:10,455
How about you keep your... big nose
out of my business
406
00:19:10,456 --> 00:19:11,775
and give me the ticket!
407
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:15,776
Keep my what out?!
408
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,455
Sir, can I have my sweets back?
409
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:29,456
No. Give me that can.
410
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:41,376
Where the hell is she?
411
00:19:44,336 --> 00:19:45,375
Jo!
412
00:19:45,376 --> 00:19:46,855
Thank God, they won't let me in.
413
00:19:46,856 --> 00:19:48,455
Get back!
414
00:19:48,456 --> 00:19:52,055
Jo, it's me.
415
00:19:52,056 --> 00:19:54,935
Step away, please.
416
00:19:54,936 --> 00:19:58,936
I can barely bring myself to look
upon the truth these days.
417
00:20:06,096 --> 00:20:08,855
Why's he called The Elephant Man?
418
00:20:08,856 --> 00:20:10,816
He looks like a melted cake!
419
00:20:14,936 --> 00:20:18,015
Phant, do you want
some hot chocolate?
420
00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:19,975
Ho! Ho-hot!!
421
00:20:19,976 --> 00:20:21,135
That's it!
422
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,975
I didn't train for ten years
423
00:20:22,976 --> 00:20:26,615
to play in front of you
little council house scum!
424
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:29,255
Relax, Phant.
I've got your favourite.
425
00:20:29,256 --> 00:20:30,816
Nuts.
426
00:20:30,816 --> 00:20:34,816
And you! Why are you calling out,
you fucking village idiot?!
427
00:20:38,376 --> 00:20:40,935
Geoff Doogan!
428
00:20:40,936 --> 00:20:43,336
No!
429
00:20:43,336 --> 00:20:45,296
Please! You don't have
a moustache, now do you?
430
00:20:45,297 --> 00:20:47,975
I've shown you ID. I'm Brian Ames,
there's only one Brian...
431
00:20:47,976 --> 00:20:51,976
Irving, it's a C52!
432
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:46,656
Aaargh!
433
00:21:48,856 --> 00:21:51,055
Brian!
434
00:21:51,056 --> 00:21:52,655
It's Peter!
435
00:21:52,656 --> 00:21:54,455
What?
436
00:21:54,456 --> 00:21:58,456
Your middle name. It's Peter.
437
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:10,655
Geoff?
438
00:22:10,656 --> 00:22:14,576
Geoff, I thought YOU played
The Phant.
439
00:22:30,736 --> 00:22:32,856
Clive.
440
00:22:32,856 --> 00:22:36,565
I'm Brian Clive Ames.
441
00:22:37,034 --> 00:23:06,240
442
00:23:06,290 --> 00:23:10,840
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