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1
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:20,760
I was just thinking about you falling
into the Christmas tree last year.
2
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,519
I didn't fall into anything.
3
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:23,999
What are you doing in that?
4
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,759
We'll take the BMW, come on.
It's not yours.
5
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:30,119
It will be though. Not necessarily.
He may not have left it to you.
6
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,120
Of course he will have,
you can't drive.
7
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,839
Come here.
8
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,159
I do wish you'd shave off
that moustache.
9
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,319
Pot, kettle.
10
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:50,320
Come on, let's go
and get it over with.
11
00:00:51,289 --> 00:01:15,878
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
12
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:21,879
This is bloody ridiculous.
13
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,880
Yes, well, I'm sorry but your father
left very specific instructions.
14
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,120
Yes, clearly. Can we just...?
15
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,799
Oh, God!
16
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,679
It was your dad's favourite.
17
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,799
Oh, I see. I'm in hell.
18
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,399
Continue.
19
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,359
"I, Richard Davies,
being of sound mind,
20
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,199
"do make this my will
and final testament.
21
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,999
"My darling wife Polly,
you are a wonderful woman.
22
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:57,000
"And to you I leave my share of
the house and all of my savings
23
00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,759
"In addition, I ask this -
please move on.
24
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,760
"Find a man, someone who will give
you what you so desperately need.
25
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,359
"A man with real girth.
26
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,159
"You know what I'm talking about,
you naughty pussycat.
27
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,679
"You need lots of cream,
like all pussycats do."
28
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,959
Christ. I do like cream.
29
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,999
Can we... Of course.
30
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,559
"Remember our first holiday in Spain
when I was as horny as a bullock?
31
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:25,439
Fucking hell... "I took you
in that field behind Salvador's bar
32
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,199
"and you started howling..."
33
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,959
"..and even though it hurt like hell
the next day
34
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,960
"and the smell was unbearable,
we both agreed it was worth it."
35
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,799
Hm!
36
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,839
"Daniel, my son.
You can't have my car.
37
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:43,840
"I love you, but you are the weakest
Daniel of all the Daniels.
38
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,320
"Daniel Craig and Danny Glover
to name but two.
39
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,199
"Even Daniel Radcliffe
could overpower you easily,
40
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,759
"even if he was tired
from a long day of filming.
41
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,559
"So Daddy will, as ever,
have to step in.
42
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,839
"I leave you the flat."
43
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,919
Bloody hell!
44
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,519
I own home!
45
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,999
"However, you're obviously
not ready for the pressures
46
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,039
"of a property portfolio
and your mum is too soft.
47
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,040
"And so I have made
some arrangements."
48
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,319
'We haven't seen Auntie Nesta
since I was about four.'
49
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,159
Why the hell would he put her
in charge?
50
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,559
No idea. They were never close.
51
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,479
And the one time she did visit,
she clearly hated you.
52
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,679
What? Why?
53
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,919
Well, you were so long
and strange-looking, Daniel.
54
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,239
I could barely get you in the pram.
You unsettled everyone.
55
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,919
Your dad used to tell people
your hormones were all wrong.
56
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,519
I'll bet he did.
He was very proud of you.
57
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:41,959
Bollocks!
58
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,839
I was a toy to him. And now...
well, it sounds melodramatic,
59
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,039
but he's trying to destroy me
from beyond the grave.
60
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,239
He's not trying to destroy you
from beyond the grave, Daniel.
61
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,559
He is, but it won't work.
62
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,079
I'll go and get the bloody thing
signed today.
63
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,559
On Christmas Eve?
64
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,159
Yes! Give me the waiver,
Emperor Palpatine!
65
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,039
Head of the household.
66
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:06,040
Well, head of the household, how are
you going to get there? What?
67
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,880
Oh, happy fucking Christmas!
68
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:17,600
Is it like this?
Well, no, not really.
69
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,640
Ah! More like this one?
70
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,519
It burns when I go to the toilet.
71
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,519
It's not remotely like
Christmas lights.
72
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:28,399
You say that. What about this one?
73
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,279
Thought so. Ouch!
74
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,360
Don't worry, we'll sort you out
with some ho-ho-hantibiotics.
75
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,360
Merry Christmas!
76
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:47,520
Can I have a word, please, Jo?
77
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,359
Oh! Emma, hi! Oh, hello!
78
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,559
Bit of last minute shopping?
Oh, yeah,
79
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,999
with a shocking hangover
unfortunately. Ohhh.
80
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,239
Were you out last night?
Yes, just a few from work.
81
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,879
Oh. Who was there?
82
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,639
Oh, um... the usual, Jennie,
Martin... Alistair from Maths?
83
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,640
Yeah, Al was there.
Aww. Was he wearing Joop?
84
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,079
Did you not get the round robin?
85
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,479
I don't know, let's have a look.
86
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,879
Oh, no. I blocked last night out
to be with Mum
87
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:22,119
because it was
the will reading today.
88
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,119
How was it? Is your mum OK?
89
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:27,759
She's fine. She had me, so, you know.
90
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,879
A real scaffolding of strength.
91
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,599
God! I forgot, actually.
92
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,919
I've got an appointment on
January 2nd with Tony Shingler.
93
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,239
Who? Shingler's Carpet Barn?
94
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,599
Thought I might get me
some new carpets.
95
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,600
Seems like a false economy in
a rented place, doesn't it, but...
96
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,599
Does Alistair from Maths rent?
97
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,199
Are you OK, Dan?
98
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:53,200
All right, Sir!
Finally asked Miss out, did you?
99
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,359
What is that on your top lip?
100
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,839
This is MY TIME!
101
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,959
You total loser.
102
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,759
What about a wet room?
103
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,999
I'm going to go now, Dan.
104
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,559
Happy Christmas.
105
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,039
See you soon!
106
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:14,040
Said the spider to the fly.
107
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,919
You. Come on.
We've got something to do.
108
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,920
How did you know I'd be in here?
You've been sacked again, right?
109
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,599
Looking forward to Christmas,
Shakira?
110
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,519
Go shit off a rope swing.
111
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,159
Yep. I robbed 'em blind.
Serves them right for sacking me.
112
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:37,160
How ungrateful! If anyone needs
Christmas, it's them... Just get out.
113
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,279
# Born a King
on Bethlehem's plain
114
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:43,359
# Gold I bring to crown Him again
115
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,879
# King forever, ceasing never
116
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,319
# Over us all to reign
117
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:53,320
# O, star of wonder,
star of light
118
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,560
# Star with royal beauty bright
119
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,919
# Westward leading, still proceeding
120
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,920
Guide us to thy perfect light.
121
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,319
You can't keep using it.
122
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,719
It says here in black and white.
123
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,919
"If there's anything I can do,
you only need ask."
124
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,319
You shouldn't have sent it
if you didn't mean it, Brian.
125
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,799
It was six months ago. I think
I've been pretty supportive.
126
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,079
And where the hell are we?
127
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,279
I presumed you would know
where your own aunt lives.
128
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,280
Unqualified, blah blah,
inappropriate grotto...
129
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,519
Nothing about why I was sacked.
130
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,919
Total mystery, crazy Rudolf.
131
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,959
Can you take those off? They're
going to scuff the roof lining.
132
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,759
As if I haven't Super Glued them!
133
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,879
She fully commits to Christmas,
you know that.
134
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,880
Old skool. Yes!
135
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,399
..ahh-ah-ah
Crabs and gonorrhoea.
136
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,999
What's offensive about that?
137
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,399
Yeah, shut up, now. We're here.
138
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,400
Christ, there's effluent everywhere.
The Scenic will be covered.
139
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,639
Oh, take your caps lock off!
Bit of mud on your tyres.
140
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,079
There'll be body flick-up,
it's basic physics.
141
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,799
Hurry up
and get the bloody thing signed.
142
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,399
Oh, right. Just bowl in there
and slam a waiver down, shall I?
143
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,719
Honestly, Brian.
I do things differently now.
144
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,079
She's just lost her brother.
145
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,399
I need to empathise with her
and then I'll cajole.
146
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,439
That's what they say about me
these days.
147
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:22,440
He empathises, and then,
and only then, does he cajole.
148
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:25,919
They don't say anything about you.
149
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,199
Did you get her a Chrimbo pressie,
mate?
150
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,279
Oh, shit!
151
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,279
Mm... what's this?
152
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,439
It's a painting for Julia.
Just get out!
153
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,440
My God, you're a selfish man.
154
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:45,560
And you're not getting back
in this car with muddy feet!
155
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,159
Look at that bloody suit.
156
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,919
Yeah, he's really got his act
together since his dad died.
157
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,200
Yes.
158
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,999
Ohhhh!
159
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,560
Yes, he has.
160
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:10,600
Heel! Piss, Piss! Come on!
161
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,079
What do you think of this bastard?
162
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,079
He seems like... a nice trout?
163
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,599
Now, you have got the time
164
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,679
for me to walk round this corner
165
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,439
to tell me who you are,
166
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,999
and then all hell will break loose!
167
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,319
Oh. Oh, no, that's fine.
You probably recognise me.
168
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,319
If you imagine me
without the moustache...
169
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,919
Come on!
Speak, you great fat giraffe!
170
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,519
Or I'm going to get my gun. No!
171
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,199
No, you don't... Piss! Pi-i-i-ss!
172
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,599
Come on.
173
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,959
It's gun time!
174
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,319
It's not gun... Come on, Piss!
175
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,999
She's got a fucking gun!
176
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,987
This does not bode well.
177
00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,000
Barry, if you do not furnish me
with venison by this evening,
178
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,720
you know what the consequences
will be.
179
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,439
Bonne chance!
180
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,199
Why didn't you tell me
you were Richard's boy?
181
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,559
Well, I sort of thought you might
be able to tell...
182
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,279
Yes, the same rubbered face.
183
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,280
No question whose tangerines
you flew out of.
184
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,559
So, what are you?
185
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,559
Hello. I'm Jo.
186
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,560
I like what you did with your face.
You made it red - very Christmassy.
187
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,399
Does she have a helper?
188
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:37,400
They have helpers nowadays,
don't they?
189
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,919
Present, present.
190
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,759
Oh, Nesta,
191
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,760
Happy Christmas.
192
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,880
What the hell is this?
193
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,999
That's...
194
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,559
a painting I did.
195
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,679
It's a knight. It's Brian.
196
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,519
I don't have time for this.
197
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,280
I've enough on my hands with
this hairy cretin.
198
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,079
I'm not looking at you, Piss,
and I shan't!
199
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,279
OK... Nesta, I...
200
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,599
Thing is...
201
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,919
Sorry, Nesta, I...
202
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,399
Yeah, Auntie...
203
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,239
Auntie Nesta!
204
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,359
Sorry.
Sorry to raise my voice,
205
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,719
but I'm afraid I've come here
with some bad news.
206
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,799
See, it's Dad. He's...
207
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,039
Dead?
208
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,119
I feared as much.
Did you?
209
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,359
This is the first year
he hasn't rung me up
210
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:32,119
pretending to be someone else
telling me he's dead.
211
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,599
I suspected he'd go first.
212
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,600
Had no purpose, you see.
213
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,519
Well, there you go, people die.
214
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,959
Good luck, Dickie!
215
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,679
What? Is that it?
216
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:54,039
Do you want me to suckle you, boy?
217
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,479
No!
218
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,959
OK, look,
219
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,679
Dad left me the flat in his will,
220
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,399
but for some reason he
stipulated that I can't have it
221
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,319
until you say so.
So, I've got this waiver...
222
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,839
Ha ha!
223
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,119
Look at my list.
224
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,959
Barry will be back any second
empty-handed.
225
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,960
I shall have to punish him
and go out and bag a deer myself.
226
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,799
So...
227
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,079
If you want me to sign that waiver,
228
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,079
you are going to have to earn it.
229
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:29,080
Nobody gets something for nothing
at Rose Bush Farm!
230
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:35,680
Bring me flesh
and bring me wine...
231
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,599
Loads to be done.
232
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,319
Come on, hound.
233
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,599
Barry has failed us.
234
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,999
Right...
235
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,679
Is this all part of your plan?
I'm adapting my plan.
236
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,239
Cool!
237
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,399
OK, I'll start bringing Christmas.
238
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,400
I'm thinking defrost her freezer,
use the sludge to make a snowman.
239
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,879
You've lost three jobs
in three weeks.
240
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,439
You touch nothing.
241
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,119
Right, I think I can handle
bringing a turkey in from a shed
242
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:11,120
and popping it in the oven, eh, Dad?
243
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,799
By the way...
244
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,559
what the fuck is this?
245
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,639
'"I think that will really put
Jersey on the map," said Bergerac.
246
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,159
'He put on his tweed jacket...'
247
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,639
Shoo! Shoo!
248
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,640
Bzzz! Buzz off!
249
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,439
Please!
250
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:38,759
Not like this, I have children!
251
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:42,039
Give it a kiss.
252
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:46,040
What?
Give my gun a little kiss.
253
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,359
Good.
254
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:55,039
Don't throw things at my cow again.
255
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:59,040
The poor old soul has quite
enough on her plate as it is.
256
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,639
Ah! There you are, Barry.
257
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,559
Walk behind me.
258
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,159
I'm incredibly angry with you,
do you understand?
259
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:12,160
I think I'm going to hit you.
260
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,640
Oh, no!
261
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,479
Well, mate...
262
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,639
I didn't expect you to be
alive but...
263
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:33,999
here we are.
264
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:38,000
Looks like new Dan has got a few
more tests to pass yet.
265
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,479
I can hear Dad laughing now,
266
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,399
"You can't do it, Daniel,
you're too weak,"
267
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:44,999
but he was wrong.
268
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,959
He was always wrong.
269
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,919
A life for a life, old friend.
270
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,920
A life for a life.
271
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:59,840
Hmm.
272
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,559
Oh!
273
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:03,919
Oh, God.
274
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,679
Oh!
275
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,800
No!
276
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,119
My God!
277
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,120
Dan!
278
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,039
It won't die!
279
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:22,040
It won't fucking die.
280
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,640
Help me!
281
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,239
Kill it!
282
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:35,240
Ki-i-i-ill it!
283
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,719
You bloody fool!
You've let it escape.
284
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,039
What the hell are you doing?!
285
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,199
You are supposed to be getting
a waiver signed!
286
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,839
I was helping my aunt
prepare for Christmas
287
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,719
but now it would appear I'm
on the hunt for an escaped turkey!
288
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,359
What's the matter? Worried about
getting your dress dirty?
289
00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:00,360
You don't think maybe
she meant that turkey?
290
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,479
Right, I just need to get this
in the oven, Brian.
291
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,359
Oh, we're cooking now, are we?
292
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,479
Dan, I only told the vicar I was
popping out for a packet of Tunes.
293
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,759
It's all under control.
294
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,839
No, it isn't. It never is!
295
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,559
Oh, I see.
Can't bear it, can you?
296
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,079
When someone else starts getting
their life together?
297
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,639
You really need to take a look
at the man in the mirror.
298
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,559
Don't you quote Michael Jackson
at me.
299
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,359
And I am aware of the lip, Brian,
300
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:28,999
the pain is sickening.
301
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,399
I'm not talking about the
turkey bite. I'm talking about
302
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,839
all of it.
303
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,879
These are minor setbacks...
Mr Throw-The-Towel? In.
304
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,999
Don't you dare call me
Mr Throw-The-Towel? In!
305
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,959
Why? Because you know your name?
306
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,999
Maybe I should use
some of your other names?
307
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,319
Mr Know-It-All.
308
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:45,199
Mr Tedious. Prefer them?
309
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,599
Mr Buy-A-Packet-Of-Sweets-And-
Make-It-Last-For-A-Month,
310
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,719
Mr Washes-His-Car-Rather-Than-
Talks-To-His-Wife.
311
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,399
Are these hitting home?
312
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,279
OK, you've clearly lost it.
313
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,239
Lost what, Mr Watch-Reruns-
Of-The-Space-Shuttle-Launch?
314
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,239
One more and I leave,
315
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,519
the ice is that thin, Daniel.
316
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,039
Oh! Mr Thin-Ice!
317
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,119
Mr Goodbye.
318
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,959
You are not going anywhere.
319
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,159
Don't get turkey juice
on my surplice!
320
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,599
Yeah!
321
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,599
Oi! What's going on here?
Stop fighting.
322
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,120
It's Christmas.
323
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,599
Oh, no.
324
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,600
I hadn't quite finished.
325
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,799
Finished what?
326
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,039
Tampax and condoms!
327
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,599
Oh, my God!
328
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,479
Wicked, right?
329
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:40,959
What have you done?
330
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,359
She said we had to help
with her Christmas list.
331
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,599
Oh, no.
332
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,519
And where on the Christmas list
did it say,
333
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,039
"Stick some nodders on a tree"?!
334
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,159
I had to improvise from
the clinic, obviously.
335
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,599
I think she'll like it.
336
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:53,959
She won't like it!
337
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,839
No-one would like it!
338
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,079
Tell her, Brian!
339
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,199
Who cares?!
340
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,639
Nesta's insane.
341
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,519
She made me kiss a gun because
I threw a travel sweet at a cow.
342
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,520
A Christmas tree with condoms on it
isn't going to trouble her!
343
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,999
That's my painting, you bastard!
344
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,199
After I drove you here!
345
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:15,200
Yes, and maybe if I hadn't given
my auntie a weird painting
346
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,559
of a droopy-moustached
financial Sir Galahad
347
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,359
we wouldn't be in this mess.
348
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,600
I mean, what the fuck?
349
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,639
God, that gobbling bastard's
in the house!
350
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,119
We've got to stop it
before Nesta gets back.
351
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,879
Brian?
352
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,119
Brian!
353
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,239
Listen, listen,
I've revised my plan, it's OK.
354
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,919
Brian, you get in the bucket
of that digger over there,
355
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,919
and I'll get you up through
the open window...
356
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,879
Oh, he wants me again now?
357
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,199
Typical!
358
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,799
Well, no, not this time!
359
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,519
You can't walk away from this,
Brian.
360
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:50,520
You promised.
361
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,999
Oh, well done, Brian!
The waiver was in there!
362
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,319
It's OK, I think if we get in the
house I can probably sellotape this.
363
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,839
Why the hell do you need it
signed today anyway?
364
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,439
Why today, Dan?
365
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,399
He's going to ask Emma to
move in with him.
366
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,519
Oh, Dan!
367
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,559
You've only had one drink
with the girl.
368
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:14,199
I just thought if I owned a place
I could move things on a bit.
369
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,479
There's this guy at work,
Alistair,
370
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,679
he's just...
371
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,680
better.
372
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,399
That's it, keep going.
373
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,279
Keep going.
374
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,280
Keep going, keep going.
375
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:36,440
Keep going! How has this happened?
376
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:53,240
What are you doing?
377
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,559
I can't work out how to
swivel it around.
378
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,520
Argh!
379
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,519
The turkey's going mental!
I can hear you, you corn-fed twat!
380
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,639
Can't you just jump the gap,
Brian?
381
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,079
I think you might be
confusing me with ET.
382
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,519
I might have known you wouldn't
know how to drive a digger.
383
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,119
I can drive a digger,
384
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,719
I can't drive THIS digger.
385
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,279
I'm sorry I can't drive enough
diggers for you!
386
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,039
Guys, I honestly think
she'll like the tree.
387
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:25,040
Shut the fuck up!
388
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,199
Nesta, that's not a deer, it's Jo!
389
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,599
Dan, look out, she's got a gun!
390
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,720
Nesta, wait! Don't shoot!
391
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:42,959
MOO!
392
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Oh, she shot the cow!
393
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,319
This is not bringing Christmas.
394
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,199
Shut up! The cow hasn't been shot.
395
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,919
She's in breech.
396
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,159
Won't live, poor old girl.
397
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,679
No!
398
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,679
There must be something you can do.
399
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,879
Too old for pulling
the buggers out any longer
400
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,759
and I haven't got the strength.
401
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:08,919
I'll do it.
402
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,199
What?
403
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:14,200
I think, no?
404
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,880
Seriously. I'll do it.
405
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,479
I mean, this is awful.
406
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,079
How long is this supposed to take?
407
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,279
Stop moaning, boy, just grab it.
408
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,719
What am I supposed to be grabbing,
Nesta?
409
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,879
I'm like Peter Duncan with that log
in Flash Gordon here.
410
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,399
Come on, what can you feel?
411
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,359
I can feel the inside of a cow.
It's disgusting!
412
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,799
Get its hoof, boy, get its hoof.
413
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,959
I've got it!
I think I've got its hoof!
414
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,399
Well, pull it then, pull it!
415
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,079
Pull, you great Daddy Fat Legs!
416
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:43,639
Argh!
417
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,640
Oh, my God! Oh, Christ!
418
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,159
I did it!
419
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,439
It's like...
It's like the baby Jesus.
420
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,440
It isn't.
421
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,599
Odd, isn't it, life?
422
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,319
So precious.
423
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,999
One forgets.
424
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,679
Nesta, Dad would never have
done this, would he?
425
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,719
What? No, he never liked
getting his hands dirty.
426
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,720
He was too busy swanning off
to university in a scarf.
427
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,199
He was a funny bugger though.
428
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:28,200
Come on, crazy girl, show me
what you've done to my tree.
429
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,439
You're very lucky, you know?
430
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,039
In my day you would have been
wandering around the village
431
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,679
with a bell round your neck.
432
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,079
Oh, thank you!
433
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,239
Yeah! Hear that, old man?
434
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,079
Maybe I'm a stronger Daniel
than you thought!
435
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:43,519
Dan... Brian, this is great,
436
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,119
I really think I've drawn
a line under something here.
437
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:49,519
You know why your dad tried to
wind you up, don't you?
438
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,359
What?
439
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,039
He thought you were mates.
440
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:58,040
He thought you were his best mate.
441
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:06,399
I'm sorry, you're missing
your choir.
442
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,639
Come on.
443
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,799
I'll take you home.
444
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:13,800
Dan!
445
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,440
No!
446
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,600
Well, I'd better get
the Land Rover.
447
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,439
Happy Christmas. Thank you.
448
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:40,559
Absent friends?
449
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,639
Polly, I need you!
450
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,239
Your puny little oven
won't take the ham I brought.
451
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,599
What the hell we're going to eat
on Boxing Day, God alone knows.
452
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:54,600
How you two have survived alone
is a complete mystery!
453
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,439
How long is she staying?
454
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,079
I don't know.
455
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,840
It's lovely that she's here
though, isn't it?
456
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:13,160
Urgh! Argh!
457
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,920
No!
458
00:24:32,024 --> 00:25:02,912
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