All language subtitles for Man Down s01e05.eng

'Dan?'

'Daaaannnn.'

Ah, what is it?

It's the ghost of Naomi, Dan.

What do you want? What do you want?
Leave me alone!

Still dreaming about me
all the time?

Yes.

You're all I dream about.

I've moved on, though, Dan.
Deal with it.

It's pathetic looking down at you,
blubbing like a teenager.

I can't!

I can't move on. I can't let go.

Hang on a minute.

Why are you a ghost? You're not dead.

Oooooh! Well spotted!

You fat prick!

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Morning. Oh, you're all up and ready
nice and early!

Yes, I have a job.
What's your excuse?

Early Board meeting to discuss
how many cups of tea

you're going to get through?

Yoo-hoo!

You do look nice
when you make an effort.

Doesn't he look nice when he
makes an effort, Mrs Wigmore?

Ooh, he does, handsome fella.
Still single?

Course he is! Still moping around
about the old one!

Oh, I'm glad my relationship
break-up's so funny,

you vile old biffers.

You know she does a pre-clean
before you come round, don't you?

Ho-ho. I'm sure she does not.

Oh, she does! You're cleaning
freshly-cleaned rooms.

I'll start in the front room,
shall I, Polly?

Yes, it's probably best.
Just dust the figurines and that.

Yes, the fireplace is fine.
Yes, because she's cleaned it.

You're a horrible boy. Ah, she say
her only son is horrible,

nasty old lady with a little
wrinkled face, look at it!

Look at the little claws
picking up the tea.

Get off me, you daft beggar!
Isn't she clever?

I'll see you later.

Make me some dinner,
or I'll kill you.

Mrs Wigmore's going to come
and clear up your pigsty of a room

in a couple of days. Your dad says
it's in a right state.

Yes, it's almost as if he dressed
as the ghost of my ex

and beat the shit out of me in it.
What? Nothing.

Oh, Dan? I've gone now, old lady,
I'll see you tonight.

Haven't you got a parents'
evening tonight?

FUCK!!!

Hmm, anything else?

Your car's well wicked.

Well, thank you, Dennis!
Most people think it's a wreck, so...

I've often thought,
in a certain light,

you resemble a young
James Stewart, Sir.

Thank you, Maureen.

I wish you were my dad.

I love parents' evening.

Right, enjoy your lunch.

Do your worst.
My mum thinks you're a dick.

Come on, hand it over! Give me them!

Ah! Thank you.

I can't believe it. I could have
sworn Lefty was heaviest!

You saw it with your own eyes.

The right hooter is carrying
four more ounces.

All right. Hello! Morning.

I've just been weighing
Jo's cans for her.

Doing my little bit for feminism.
I see.

I'll get the scales back and weigh
your nuts if you like. No, thanks.

Come on, Lord Lucan.
I'll get the scales back

and put your hairy conkers
on the scale.

Someone woke up on the irritating
side of the bed, didn't they?

He's been a pain. Had to let him
weigh my milk sacks to calm him.

Congratulations.

That's the most revolting
description of breasts I've heard.

Is it?

BEEF BAGS! Oi!

Mickey! Mickey! Over here!

Mickey, Brian, Mickey, Dan,
Dan, Brian, Mickey.

Hello, Mickey. Hello, Mickey.

Are you all set for the rehearsal
tonight, Mickey?

Cool, see you later, Mickey.

Would you like to or shall I?
No, please!

What the fuck was that?
Mickey. Mickey Two Face?

According to management,
he's my first client.

What does he do? Never mind that,
why's he called Mickey Two Face?

He's got two faces.
He's an entertainer.

Certainly enough information for me.
Brian. Ah, yeah.

Tomorrow night he's doing a gig
above Fat Chan's. Come along.

Let me see, going to see a man
with a hidden second face,

perform a nonspecific act
above a Chinese restaurant -

that's not sad, is it? Look.

I know this Naomi thing
has hit you hard.

No, it hasn't hit me hard.

I'm perfectly accepting of the facts
that I have NOTHING to offer women.

You have!

Yeah, you've got that dartboard.

That is yours, right?

See, I'm trapped. I'm the
Colonel Abrams of my own body.

Who's Colonel Abrams?

Oi! I will get Bob!

Ah, Mr Davis.
Oh, Miss Lipsey.

How's it going? Well, I've never
been so bored in my life.

Parents are weird.

Where's your mark book?
I don't need it.

It's all up here
in the super computer.

Test me if you like,
ask me any child's grade.

OK. Um.... David Sage.
B plus.

You made that up. Prove it!

I think a departmental audit
is long overdue for you.

God, just kiss me!

Let them talk! You've got a customer.

What is it, the height?
I'll have surgery.

I'd lose a foot of bone for you,
Emma Lipsey.

Oscar Wilde will see you now.

I'm not gay.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night, Sir.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night,
Madam.

Mickey Two Face tomorrow night, Sir.

That's him, he's practising!

No-one could say that Dennis
is lacking in commitment.

He loves it, don't you?

Will we wipe the alien scum out,
Sir, cut their faces off?

Yeah, maybe, Dennis.

He does get quite cross.
NO, I DON'T!

OK, all right, Dennis.
Look, there's Joe.

Go and play with Joe. Yeah.

I don't let them cut
each other's faces off. No.

Mr Davies, he loves your lessons.

And since his dad left...

..he needs happy times.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, don't be. Good riddance.
He was an idiot. Ah!

There aren't many
decent blokes about,

so you be sure to tell your
girlfriend how lucky she is.

I think her new boyfriend might have
something to say about that,

the fucking prick!

Sorry. Um...

Listen, um....

If you ever want to go and...

..slag 'em off over a drink?
Let me know.

What?

God, I'm so sorry.
Was that inappropriate?

Yes, please. Tomorrow, yes, please.

I'm busy tomorrow, I'm afraid,
but...

..you give me a call.

Mr Teacher.

Dennis? Dennis! DENNIS!

A date, mate, an actual date.

I thought it was over, but I'm back.

I'm back with a heavyweight jam.

Dan, that's great, mate.
Darling, please not in your mouth.

I'm tidying my room, just in case.

Don't try and bring her back on
a first date, especially not to that dump.

God. Look not in the..in the bowl.

She might want to come back,
though, eh?

Look, she's a mother,
she'll have a baby-sitter waiting.

She'll want more than a... a grope
with a fat bloke in a bedsit.

Jesus, you know nothing.
Ah, but I do know, mate.

I finally get women at last.

It's brilliant,
I can't stop smiling.

Dan, you weighed Jo's
tits on a set of scales.

Oh, my God, is that not OK?

It's OK with Jo,
it's not OK with all other women.

Oh, shit!

What if I ruin the date?

OK, you're going to have to help me
tonight. How? Mock date.

What? Mock date. Eh?

I need a mock date.
Stop saying mock date.

Listen, mate, if this goes wrong,
you're only going to hang out

with me more and I'll probably start
making weird noises, like this.

Yes, fine, yes, shush!

I'll ask Julia if I can pop out for a bit. Pick me up
at eight and we'll go through some stuff.

Great, mock date. No, we're just
going to talk through a few things.

If you say mock date one more time,
I won't do it.

All right.

Are you saying mock date?
No.

Ah! Mock date, eh?

Christ, it stinks in here!

Well, it's hardly a terrible
surprise, I am having a shit.

You've got your own toilet.

Stop letting yourself
into my flat for a shit.

Daniel, I had a rack of lamb
yesterday,

your mum doesn't want to smell this.

You said it yourself,
it's horrendous.

I'm trying to get on with my life,
you freak.

You don't get me at all, do you?

I only want to help.

What, by curling one
out in my toilet?

Get dressed.

Please, Dad,
I've got a lot to think about,

I can't cope with being
attacked today.

Get dressed while I finish up in
here.

I want to show you something.

It'll help you, I promise.

Mickey Two Face,
even Simon Cowell said,

and I quote, "He was a bit much",

Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey
two-face, come along for

Mickey-Mickey two-face, give me
thing and I get you on the guest list.

Jo! For God's sake, turn it down.

Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey
two-face, not one face but two faces,

two faces, Mickey two-face
Mickey-Mickey two-face,

come along with the man with
two faces.

Mickey two-face, Mickey-Mickey
two-face!

Well, what are we doing here?

That's Brenda Kirkby's old place.
Who?

My first love.

Oh. Thick red hair,

pale skin
and these beautiful green eyes.

I asked her out to the school dance,
I was so nervous I thought

my heart would leap from my mouth,
but she said yes. She said yes!

I couldn't believe it. Neither of us
knew what to do, really.

We held hands, we chatted,
we were so happy.

But her mum was religious,
so outside of school hours

we were totally
forbidden from seeing each other.

What, ever?

I know, seems crazy now, doesn't it?

I wanted to show her how much
I cared, so every night at 7.30,

I'd walk here and wait for her
to come to that very bedroom window.

I'd wave at here and blow her a kiss

and she'd blow me a kiss.

Then I'd walk home again.

Every night? Every night.

18 months and 11 days.

That is one of the most romantic
stories I've ever heard.

Well, anyway.

All's well that ends well.

Eventually I fucked
her against that wall.

What? Yeah, that very wall.

But word to the wise, son,
stay away from those gingers.

It's a nest down there.

Right, thank you, goodbye.

Right here. Like this...

'All right, I'm coming, Dan.
Not round the neck.'

Bye.

Mock date. I bought you a gift.
What's this?

Bag of chops. Well, that's not
a very good start, is it?

Eh? You love a pork chop.
I'm not me, I'm your date.

You wouldn't bring a girl
a bag of pork, would you?

Of course you would.

OK, thank you for my chops,
I'll put them in a vase later.

No problem. Let's go.

Well, this is nice. Well done.
I didn't have a choice.

Jo wants us to go and see that
Mickey Two Face bloke, doesn't she?

Try and make me feel special.

You don't want to be single
for the rest of your life, do you?

Can I get you some drinks?
Why don't you order for us?

Bloody hell is this girl disabled?
Dan!

Two pints of lager, please.

Don't buy her lager without asking.
Christ, this is hard.

Right, so here we are.

Now what?
What do you mean, now what?

I've ordered the lagers,
now let's see what we want to eat.

Yes, let's. But let's have some
small talk first. You lead.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you. I've been at work
today.

So, nothing very exciting.
Right.

Aren't you interested in what I do?
I know what you do, don't I?

You do that boring thing
in the office with Barbara the mute.

I'm not me, I'm her.

So let's say I'm a... I'm a chemist.

Right, I imagine you really
wanted to be a doctor.

No, I wanted to be a chemist.
Oh, really?

It's the same training, actually.

Yes, and that's what vets say,
isn't it? It's the same training.

But if it all goes
tits up down here,

I'm not going to ask a vet to
stick his fingers up my arse.

I could have done without being at
work today cos little, erm...

What's his name, my kid? Dennis. Dennis,
little Dennis was poorly. Right.

It's tough bringing up
a child as a working mum.

OK. What would you like to eat?

Oh, show some interest, empathise,
you've got no idea how hard it is

raising a kid, do you? Forgotten
what it's like being myself.

I don't need to empathise
because I teach the little prick,

I probably spend more time with him
than you do,

while you're off swanning around
your chemist, writing prescriptions.

You're so wrapped up in yourself.

Thank you.

Recognise.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Get lost, it's Hugo Boss,
'90s style, I'm proper big time now.

Ignore him, he's being thoughtless.

Oh, drink your lager, sweetheart.

I'm sorry, Jo,
the mock date's not going very well.

Oh? Listen,
are you still coming to see Mickey?

Get there about 9,
you do not want to miss the opening.

Believe me, it's so good, I...

it made me sick up in my mouth.

Yeah, we'll try, but we've got a few
things to sort of here.

Right, see you then.

Are you all right, Brian?

I had my hair cut
especially for this.

You haven't said a bloody word!

You're supposed to be making me
feel special.

Three kids I've had,
all day on my own, for what,

for a... for a pint of lager
with a stupid man.

Your hair looks nice.

And I won't be like this
on the actual date, will I?

And I'm really grateful you're
helping me.

Are you? Yes.

Fuck my face! What?

That's her. Who? The woman.

The woman we're doing the mock date
for, that's her, with another man.

Ah, Lady Macbeth.

Dan, she's on a date,
it's what people do.

Maybe you should concentrate on the
date you're on. What? Nothing.

I'm going to go over.

Dan, do not go over there.
If you value my opinion at all,

do not go over there.

Well, well, well. Hi, Mr, erm...

Davis? Yes, sorry I know that,

it's just I've realised I don't know
your first name.

It's Mr Davis to you.
Is there a problem?

Oh, there's a problem, my friend,
my, erm...

white shirted friend.

Is there? I'd say so, wouldn't you?
No. No?

Well, perhaps you'd like to tell
Mr Jeans here exactly what you

and I were discussing last night.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, maybe I would. Dan.
Get your hands off me!

OK. Mr Davis here is Dennis' teacher

and yesterday we were at a parent
teacher meeting.

That's right, I'm a teacher.

Head of department as it goes,

Oh, he doesn't like the title,
does he?

Now who the hell are you?

Well...
He's my probation officer.

What? Yes, I am.

What the hell have you done?
None of your business.

I think you'll find it is, if
I'm going to be dating a criminal

I like to know what I'm up against.
We are not going to be dating.

Come on, mate, give me a steer,
what's she done? I'm sorry. What's going on here?

Well, apparently my son's teacher is
a lunatic.

Listen, if she's just been nicking
make-up cos she's lonely,

I can cope with that. Dan.

God, this is so embarrassing.
Yes, it is embarrassing.

So let's all lay our cards
on the table. I'll start.

When I was a child,
I once stole a whole jar

of cola cubes from
a newsagent. Your turn.

Please, go away.
Dan, come on sit down.

Sorry, who are you? I'm his date,
actually. Brian!

Oh, I see. No, you don't see.
He's not my real date.

Then what the hell am I? Brian? Dan?

Oh...

Oh, perfect.

Oh, well, this is fucking perfect.

Oh, well done. You got me.

Checkmate.

I don't even believe in you
and you've done me

up like a bastard kipper.

Well, fuck you, Winona Ryder!

And fuck you, Naomi!

And...

fuck you...

sock feet!

And you, little tiny bag shoulder!

And you, I've seen you behind me,
earrings ears!

Fucking rice mouth!

Fuck you, bat wing sleeves!

Oh, someone's put gel in his hair.

Fuck you, gel head!

Oh, fuck you,

cracker hand!

Everybody out!

Mickey's fucked it.

Pub.

Yoo-hoo, Daniel.

What?

Only me, love. Oh.

Oh, dear.

Someone had a bit of a night.

Bit of an awful night.

Oh, dear, no nice ladies out, then?

Plenty of nice ladies, just no nice
Daniels, Mrs Wigmore, I'm useless.

Oh, shush yourself. You're a lovely
young man, I told you.

I'm not, you know. I'm really not.

Mrs Wigmore thinks you are.

Erm...

Well, then...

I'll, erm...

..shall I?

Yeah.

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