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There's a lot of good things about weekends.
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No school, cartoons...
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but the best thing about weekends
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is having a neighbor like old Mrs. Jenson.
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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Trick-or-treat!
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Oh my,
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look at what nice costumes you have!
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These two for you, and two for you.
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There.
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- Thank you, Mrs.Jenson.
- Goodbye.
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Hey, before you condemn us,
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we are the only kids who even talk to her.
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So if it wasn't for us,
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she would have no human contact at all.
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We shuffled your walkway.
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It looks wonderful. Let me get my purse.
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Okay, now you can condemn us.
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Produced and synced by: kongma
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- Come on!
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It's mom's birthday.
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She just take us to the store where she works,
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We can buy presents for her.
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So far, it's going pretty well.
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Reese, for crying out loud!
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It's killing me, I'm so close!
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Get your hand out of there.
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I can't.
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Ow!
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All right. I got it!
31
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Okay, now listen up.
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I'm going to give you each
$10 to buy me something.
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We've never done this before.
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Usually, on a birthday,
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we just make our stuff.
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Honey it's...
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nice.
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It's a potato bank.
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I made it.
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Now, you can each get me something.
41
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Or, you can put your money
together and get me a...
42
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I don't know.
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Oh, look at that.
44
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A foot massager.
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Hey, it's only 25 dollars.
46
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And you've got...30 between you?
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Ha!
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Well, I'm sure whatever you get me,
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I'll love it.
50
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Now, meet me back here in ten minutes.
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- Stop pushing!
- Come on. Dewey, you son of a...
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Lois!
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Hi, Craig!
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What are you doing here on your...
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day off?
56
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I stopped in with the boys so they could buy me a birthday present.
57
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Oh!
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It's-it's your birthday?
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I'd-i'd completely forgotten.
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Seems like any other day, actually.
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Yeah, well.
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Craig to aisle seven.
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- Craig to aisle seven.
- Of course, you can't blame me for forgetting.
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I've been so busy lately.
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Seems like I'm always hitting the weights at the gym,
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working on the guns.
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Craig, aisle seven.
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Yeah, and when I'm not at the gym,
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I'm usually with my dixieland jazz group.
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- Really? what do you play?
- I'm the costumer.
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You know, there are four different types of straw hats,
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and if you ever need those arm guarders,
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- Craig, I can see you.
- Bye.
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And it's my mom's birthday so it means
a lot to her for me to come home.
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Just as a coincidence, my friend richie is throwing a huge party on the same day.
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But enough about me.
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I can't believe that you and your schoolmates have come
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all the way from Mozambique just to see a bunch of national parks and monuments.
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I mean, I don't want to criticize,
but you really haven't seen America
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until you've seen the small towns,
81
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met the people, studied the way
my friend richie throws a keg party.
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You're wasting your time.
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She doesn't speak English.
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Oh.
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Which is just as well,
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because if she understood the crap you were feeding her,
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she'd laugh in your face.
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I, on the other hand, find your desperation charming.
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Really?
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Oh, well, there's plenty more where that came from.
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Here you go, mom. Happy birthday!
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Don't you want to wrap it?
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No, it's okay.
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An eyeglass repair kit.
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A box of throat lozenges.
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A dirt bike magazine.
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I might want to look at that when you're done.
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This cost you $30?
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No, it was, like, eight.
100
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This store's great, mom.
101
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When can I have my candy?
102
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Relax, dude, we have 20 bucks worth.
103
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- Shotgun! Hey!
- Wait!
104
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Mom, what's for dinner?
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Oh, I don't know.
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Why don't you have some candy?
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Yay!
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Dewey, take off the wrappers.
109
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Does mom seem okay to you?
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- What do you mean?
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I don't know.
112
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I think she might be upset about something.
113
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Maybe I should go and ask if...
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Oh! skinny fonzie.
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19, 20, 21, 22, 23.
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All here. You can go.
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This is my house.
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Can't you just feel the authenticity of it?
119
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Not like those crappy, plastic national parks
120
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- you've been going to.
- You can relax, Francis.
121
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I got off the bus already.
122
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Right, okay. Here's the deal.
123
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we go inside make a polite appearance
for my mother's birthday,
124
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have some cake, drop off my laundry,
and then we go to the party.
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- My god.
- What?
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Do you even know how astonishingly beautiful you are?
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Oh yes. I've had 15 marriage proposals.
128
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That's why the general sent me on this trip--
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to keep me out of trouble.
130
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Boys, where's mom?
131
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- Bedroom.
- Oh yeah?
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Honey?
133
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What?
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You okay?
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Hey.
136
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What's wrong?
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The boys.
138
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Don't let them get to you.
139
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They'll be out of the house in ten years.
140
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What did those mean boys do,huh?
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I gave them 30 dollars to buy something nice.
142
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They spent it all on themselves.
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They don't even care it's my birthday.
144
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Well.
145
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Those boys are going to hear from me, let me tell you.
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They are going to get one heck of a talking-to.
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And then I think I'll go for a drive.
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I'm just so furious.
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Damn it, damn it, damn it!
150
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Her birthday's on the 12th! Look at the...
151
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Oh! No, no.
152
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No I programmed this stupid
watch to remind me that...
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Oh!
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You boys are in so much trouble!
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You've got to help me on this.
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I can't believe that you could be so thoughtless!
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We all screwed up really big this time.
158
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I have a good mind to use the belt on all three of you!
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Why are you yelling at us?
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Sorry isn't good enough, mister.
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I forgot your mom's birthday.
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What!
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What!
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What!
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- Hi, Hal.
- Craig, what do you want?
166
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Lois and I had an exchange, and I felt bad...
167
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so...I'm sure she told you all about it.
168
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No, actually, she didn't say anything.
169
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,072
- Craig, we're in the middle of...
- Well, it's complicated. You see,
170
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I didn't buy Lois a present even though I wanted to,
171
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and I thought "this is silly",
172
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so I went ahead and got her one and...
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here it is.
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Oh.
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00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:18,184
Great, haha.
176
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I'll...I'll take it in to her right now.
177
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Oh, such a nice...
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nice gift.
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You know what? On second thought, uh,
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I can take care of this tomorrow.
I'll bring it in to work.
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Oh no, It wouldn't be any trouble at all. Really.
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No, I'd be happy to take it in to her.
183
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Yeah, I'd really hate to put you out.
184
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Don't be silly.
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Give it.
186
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,416
Lois, it's Craig! He's stealing your present!
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It's a present that I paid $129 for!
188
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Honey?
189
00:10:00,688 --> 00:10:02,336
Honey, where are you going?
190
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Wherever I want.
191
00:10:05,096 --> 00:10:06,032
Well...
192
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,584
When are you coming home?
193
00:10:10,232 --> 00:10:11,232
When?
194
00:10:11,248 --> 00:10:13,224
Whenever somebody in this family gives a damn.
195
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Happy birthday, mom!
196
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This is bad.
197
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,368
Mom's never taken off on us like this before.
198
00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:43,656
Yeah. She usually throws us out.
199
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,392
You bought candy?
200
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:48,392
You don't just...
201
00:10:49,336 --> 00:10:50,416
It was a...
202
00:10:51,344 --> 00:10:52,592
If I only have a...
203
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,216
Stupid watch!
204
00:10:55,592 --> 00:10:56,800
Candy?
205
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:58,656
What were you...
206
00:11:01,736 --> 00:11:02,736
Oh!
207
00:11:08,816 --> 00:11:12,128
I had this great party lined up with this beautiful girl,
208
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,800
and all I had to do was come home,
209
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make an appearance at mom's birthday,
210
00:11:15,984 --> 00:11:17,224
be the good son.
211
00:11:17,232 --> 00:11:18,312
Everything would've been fine,
212
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,624
but now my trip home has been tainted.
213
00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:23,008
In her mind, we're all thoughtless jerks
214
00:11:23,032 --> 00:11:24,384
thanks to you guys.
215
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:25,352
What did we do?
216
00:11:25,350 --> 00:11:26,448
Think about it.
217
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,768
Mom gave you money to buy her a present,
218
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,664
and you spent most of it on candy!
219
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:32,288
And the rest on her presents.
220
00:11:32,304 --> 00:11:34,944
But you spent most of it on candy.
221
00:11:34,968 --> 00:11:36,368
We've established that.
222
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,928
We're just going around in circles here.
223
00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:39,752
Okay, look.
224
00:11:40,136 --> 00:11:42,552
How would you feel if mom didn't buy you a present?
225
00:11:42,608 --> 00:11:44,728
Mom's not buying me a birthday present?
226
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,408
No. That's not what I'm saying...
227
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,160
But it's my birthday.
228
00:11:48,192 --> 00:11:50,416
- No it's not.
- Francis, it's mom.
229
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,032
We've never made a big deal out of her birthday.
230
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,080
and plus,
231
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:56,424
she said she'd be happy with whatever we got her.
232
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,056
And was she happy?
233
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,600
Oh man, we suck.
234
00:12:03,336 --> 00:12:04,968
Did we make mom mad?
235
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,720
No, Dewey, worse.
236
00:12:06,752 --> 00:12:08,016
You hurt her.
237
00:12:09,672 --> 00:12:11,272
Okay, I'm lost.
238
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:13,288
Ow!
239
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:16,040
That's how mom feels on the inside.
240
00:12:17,776 --> 00:12:19,400
So what are we supposed to do?
241
00:12:19,568 --> 00:12:20,384
We?
242
00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:21,872
Haven't you guys been listening?
243
00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:23,504
You screwed up, not me.
244
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:24,696
I'm not doing anything.
245
00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:27,552
I don't know what you're going to do and I don't care.
246
00:12:27,976 --> 00:12:29,192
I have my own problems.
247
00:12:29,190 --> 00:12:30,696
I have to go to a kegger,
248
00:12:30,690 --> 00:12:32,048
party with my friends,
249
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,640
make out with an African goddess with
250
00:12:33,656 --> 00:12:35,096
this hanging over my head.
251
00:12:35,416 --> 00:12:36,504
Come on, Amaani.
252
00:12:37,944 --> 00:12:39,120
This isn't fair.
253
00:12:39,168 --> 00:12:41,896
Mom never should have taken us to a store that sells candy.
254
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,424
- She set us up!
- Shut up, Reese.
255
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:46,072
We blew it.
256
00:12:46,816 --> 00:12:49,096
We made our own mom run away from home.
257
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,208
Where do you think she is?
258
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:07,384
Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
259
00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:08,808
I got a news for you, kid.
260
00:13:09,048 --> 00:13:11,384
I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew.
261
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,152
I could stay here all week if I want.
262
00:13:13,150 --> 00:13:15,192
Yeah, but we want to hit.
263
00:13:15,190 --> 00:13:16,344
When you getting out of there?
264
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:17,536
You want me to get out?
265
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,840
Okay, I'll get out,
266
00:13:20,096 --> 00:13:21,688
if you do one thing for me.
267
00:13:21,824 --> 00:13:24,232
You give me back 15 years of my life.
268
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,328
Can you do that? can you reverse time?
269
00:13:26,592 --> 00:13:28,560
Can you take me back to when I was 23,
270
00:13:28,710 --> 00:13:30,584
so I can stay single, go to music school
271
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,400
and become a concert violinist?
272
00:13:33,984 --> 00:13:34,832
Huh?
273
00:13:35,152 --> 00:13:36,008
No?
274
00:13:36,352 --> 00:13:37,216
Okay.
275
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,600
Looks like I'm going to have to keep on batting.
276
00:13:40,136 --> 00:13:42,648
You can't just hog the cage because you're crazy.
277
00:13:42,664 --> 00:13:44,072
That's not fair.
278
00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:45,592
You think I'm crazy?
279
00:13:46,088 --> 00:13:47,256
I'll show you crazy.
280
00:13:54,032 --> 00:13:57,432
I hope your friend Richie has
some place where we can be alone.
281
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,416
You know my mom's going
to end up blaming me for this.
282
00:14:00,608 --> 00:14:01,352
What?
283
00:14:01,824 --> 00:14:04,024
This whole birthday fiasco.
284
00:14:04,304 --> 00:14:06,392
By the time she's done spinning it in her head,
285
00:14:06,408 --> 00:14:08,752
I'll be the one who gave her the crappy presents.
286
00:14:08,896 --> 00:14:11,136
Any chance my mom gets to make my life miserable
287
00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:12,712
she pounces.
288
00:14:12,710 --> 00:14:14,976
You know, in Mozambique,
289
00:14:15,048 --> 00:14:18,344
talking about your mother this much isn't considered a turn-on.
290
00:14:18,408 --> 00:14:19,248
Sorry.
291
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,376
Is mom ever coming home?
292
00:14:24,568 --> 00:14:26,008
Of course she is.
293
00:14:26,936 --> 00:14:28,216
Reese, what are you doing?
294
00:14:28,416 --> 00:14:30,712
Making a list of women for dad to look into,
295
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,232
now that mom's gone.
296
00:14:32,230 --> 00:14:33,848
Mom's coming back.
297
00:14:33,864 --> 00:14:36,368
Hey, if you want to be in denial it's fine with me,
298
00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:39,136
but I'm trying to keep dad from
making the same mistake twice.
299
00:14:39,216 --> 00:14:40,672
It's called being proactive.
300
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:43,784
Mrs. Larson?
301
00:14:43,824 --> 00:14:46,232
She can cook and her daughters are nymphos.
302
00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:51,808
Ask me what she did for my birthday. Just ask me.
303
00:14:51,848 --> 00:14:53,944
- Francis.
- Okay.
304
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,168
I'm sorry. That is the last time.
305
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,656
It's out of my mind.
306
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,816
(DJ: And this next track is a
special request to Lois from Hal.)
307
00:15:00,824 --> 00:15:02,320
He loves you and misses you,
308
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,288
and says if you'll come back,
309
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,808
he'll give you that sweet monkey love...
310
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,200
What are you doing?
311
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,200
(DJ2: And this next song goes out to...
- Nothing.
312
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,200
a very special lady from Craig.)
313
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,704
Oh, no.
314
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:22,896
What is it?
315
00:15:23,216 --> 00:15:24,704
It's my mom.
316
00:15:26,112 --> 00:15:28,784
What's she doing at a batting cage?
317
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,248
And why am I surprised by anything she does?
318
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,320
Don't worry, I am not going to let her ruin this for us.
319
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,824
We are going to that party-- end of story.
320
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,440
Damn it!
321
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:57,888
Oh, thank god.
322
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:00,928
She's crushing the ball.
323
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,072
How come she didn't teach us how to play baseball?
324
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:05,448
Because there's more to hitting than making contact.
325
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,072
So what do we do now?
326
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:15,608
Happy birthday, dear Timmy,
327
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,424
happy birthday to you.
328
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,632
Okay, Timmy, blow out the candles.
329
00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:22,680
Hang on there, Timmy.
330
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,672
What are you doing?
331
00:16:24,464 --> 00:16:26,176
Can I talk to you for a second?
332
00:16:26,608 --> 00:16:29,384
Happy birthday to you,
333
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:32,152
happy birthday to you
334
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:35,424
happy birthday dear mom/Lois,
335
00:16:35,420 --> 00:16:38,504
happy birthday to you.
336
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,136
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Yeah.
337
00:16:40,856 --> 00:16:41,952
What are you doing, Hal?
338
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,240
Well, what's it look like?
339
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:45,736
We're celebrating your birthday as a family.
340
00:16:46,144 --> 00:16:46,984
Who are you?
341
00:16:47,728 --> 00:16:48,980
I'm sorry, mom.
342
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:50,128
Yeah, me too.
343
00:16:50,192 --> 00:16:51,168
Me too.
344
00:16:51,256 --> 00:16:53,608
Actually, I'd like to point out that I'm clean on this one.
345
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:54,992
Lois, honey, come home please.
346
00:16:55,008 --> 00:16:57,120
- What do we have to do?
- A lot of things.
347
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,984
I don't want to be taken for granted anymore.
348
00:16:58,980 --> 00:17:01,448
If I come back, you guys are going to make some changes.
349
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,968
Anything, whatever you want.
350
00:17:03,136 --> 00:17:04,512
I don't ever want to have to remind
351
00:17:04,510 --> 00:17:06,792
my own family that it's my birthday.
352
00:17:07,232 --> 00:17:09,656
You are so right. It will never happen again.
353
00:17:10,816 --> 00:17:12,752
And one night a week, I don't want to have to fix dinner.
354
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,520
Absolutely, good, fine, done.
355
00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,432
And I want dirty laundry in the hamper,
356
00:17:16,430 --> 00:17:18,384
not on the floor, not over a lampshade,
357
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:20,440
not shoved in some mattress crack.
358
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,800
- No problem.
- In the hamper.
359
00:17:21,936 --> 00:17:23,800
- It's just that easy, huh?
- Sure.
360
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,536
Yes, it's just that easy.
361
00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:28,704
Then why do I even have to ask?
362
00:17:31,336 --> 00:17:35,112
If it's so obvious I need a little human consideration
363
00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:37,600
I shouldn't even have to ask.
364
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,168
Oh, geez, honey, that's...
365
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,704
never going to happen.
366
00:17:45,736 --> 00:17:46,584
What?
367
00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:48,648
We're not smart enough to do that.
368
00:17:48,664 --> 00:17:50,208
Look who you're talking to.
369
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,632
You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller.
370
00:17:52,856 --> 00:17:54,160
Sweetie,
371
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,608
you're always going to have to tell us what to do.
372
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,544
I mean, look at this half-baked celebration.
373
00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:00,736
I mean, we're at the top of our game here.
374
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,528
Honey, the only thing that we're
ever going to be able to offer you
375
00:18:03,536 --> 00:18:04,800
is our total
376
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:05,824
abject
377
00:18:06,224 --> 00:18:07,456
obedience.
378
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:11,680
I-i know that doesn't sound like much, but--
379
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,224
if you look at it this way,
380
00:18:13,456 --> 00:18:17,304
our meager abilities are yours completely.
381
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,504
100%.
382
00:18:20,752 --> 00:18:21,616
Listen, wide ride,
383
00:18:21,610 --> 00:18:23,656
these guys are just trying to do something nice for you.
384
00:18:23,650 --> 00:18:25,032
Give them a break.
385
00:18:27,296 --> 00:18:31,072
I'm sorry. Did you just call my wife "wide ride"?
386
00:18:31,216 --> 00:18:32,824
Oh, okay, I get it.
387
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,488
You gotta make a big show for...
388
00:18:37,472 --> 00:18:39,976
Now, you're going to get up and apologize...
389
00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:47,592
- Yeah, good job.
- Get him, dad!
390
00:18:47,590 --> 00:18:48,472
Come on
391
00:18:51,328 --> 00:18:52,208
Beat him!
392
00:18:58,032 --> 00:18:58,880
Hold this.
393
00:19:05,272 --> 00:19:06,936
- I gotta go.
- I know.
394
00:19:07,016 --> 00:19:08,664
You'll be here waiting when I'm done?
395
00:19:08,768 --> 00:19:10,360
No, goodbye.
396
00:19:17,888 --> 00:19:18,784
Get him, dad!
397
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,584
Fight him, hit him!
398
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,102
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