Original subtitles

Previously on Making History...

We are gonna bet on the World Series of baseball.

1919 Chicago!

However long you're in the past,

that's as long as you've been gone from the present.

I'm not gonna get tenure now! I may not even have a job!

(as Tony Montana): Say hello to my little friend!

(laughs)

We are back, and we got all this money.

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

You wanted to see me?

Come on in, muchacho.

Take a seat.

COBELL: Chris.

We know.

You know what?

Everything. Why you've been missing work,

acting so erratic.

- All of it. - Let me explain. It was...

- You're an addict, Chris. - What?!

I can tell because I used to be one, too:

full-blown alcoholic.

But I beat it.

Now I drink safely every day.

Tons.

Uh, what's got its hooks in you, son?

Booze?

Poppers?

Is it poppers?!

No! No. It's, uh...

um...

private and, uh...

It's, um...

It's sex addiction.

Oh, mama. But you have

my word... nothing from my personal life

will ever make its way into the classroom.

It's more than just the classroom, Chris.

Publish something by the end of the semester,

or I'm-a light ya up.

Far as all that other stuff goes...

we all get horny, man.

DAN: Hey, buddy, how was your meeting?

- Did you get fired? - Let's say I had been fired.

Do you think that's an appropriate way to ask?

Well, I can tell you don't think so,

but I got to be true to myself on this, too.

No, I'm not fired,

but I'm on thin ice.

Luckily, I just came up with the perfect cover for time travel.

I told them that I'm a sex addict.

- Why is that the perfect cover? - 'Cause I still get to drink and do poppers.

Smart. Hey, so you know how we wanted to take our Chicago money

and buy that ice cream parlor for Deb?

- That is not what I want. - I was also thinking it might be

a little suspicious that a heating guy

and a sex addict, weirdo, creep, pervert professor

would have enough money to do something like that.

Right, and we watched the previous owner get killed

- right in front of us. - Exactly.

So I came up with the perfect front

that will not draw any added attention to us.

They see me rollin'...

HANCOCK: Hello!

So much love!

John Hancock? Sam Adams?

- Hi! - They can't be here.

I've got administrative eyes all over me.

Ridin' dirty, tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

My music so loud, I'm swangin'

They hopin' that they gon' catch me ridin' dirty

Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

- Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty...

- CHRIS: How'd you guys

- get so good at this? - They're highly intuitive.

(grunting)

Oh, there are just so many books and not enough time

to read them all.

I feel the same way about dirt bike magazines.

Thank you for choosing to speak to me.

I'm starting

an ice cream business,

and there's just so much to learn.

Oh, I hear ya. When I sold my eggs,

there were so many forms to fill out.

I'm Deborah Revere.

Oh, cool. I grew up in Revere.

Are you related to Paul?

He's my father.

You wise-ass.

I'm Melanie Barzoon.

I'd shake your hand, but I got a staph infection.

Oh. Well, you seem to have it all... a job,

a shirt with your name on it. What's your secret to success?

It's water. People need it, or else they dry up to death.

Huh. It's simple.

And that's what I like about ice cream.

Yeah, I like to dig out all the chunks out of the Rocky Road.

- That's why my ex-husband left me. - Cool.

I like your vibe. Are you Dutch?

I wish!

(clattering, Adams shouting indistinctly)

- ADAMS: No crying. - (man crying)

MAN (whimpering): No, no. No, no, no, no!

- HANCOCK: Hold him down... - (groaning)

- Would you do that to your mother? - (man whimpering)

This is a bad idea.

Hancock and Adams are brilliant in their time.

They don't know anything about modern contract law.

They don't need to.

They're expert negotiators.

They bought the entire state of New York for a bag of wheat.

- Dan, I am a history professor. - (yelling, blows landing)

I know that didn't happen.

(laughter)

- My boys! - MAN: Thank you

for everything.

You've been rebuilt, brother.

I'm gonna take your advice.

I'm proposing to Diane.

(singsongy): Who wants ice cream?

I do!

(makes licking sounds)

(makes kissing sound)

- (laughing) - (trilling)

(door bells tinkle)

Here it is... our ice cream shop.

ADAMS: Ooh, you got ripped off.

This place is a dump.

DEBORAH: Oh, sorry I'm late.

First time in pants.

Pants?! But-but you're a woman!

ADAMS: First you disobey your father,

and now this? God, smite her now!

Women can wear whatever they want in this time.

DAN: That's right, and Deb here is actually

going to run this ice cream shop.

HANCOCK: A creature

ruled by the lunar cycle in charge of a business?!

Absurd! Have you gone insane?!

DEBORAH: I'm sorry, but

white men don't run everything anymore.

- We would like to go home now. - DAN: Fine. Maybe you could take

some of our modern ideas

about ending sexism to the past with you.

- Sure, Dan. - We'll, uh, get right on that.

We're gonna go back in time and tell everyone

that we're putting women in charge,

and we're sinking the sun into the sea.

Chris, can you take the boys here back to 1775?

We have to go fix the freezer.

Bag us, Daddy.

CHRIS: Hey, I might be able

to use your help with something at work.

I mean, you guys signed the Declaration of Independence.

The what now?

The-the Declaration of Independence.

Maybe. In our line of work, we sign a lot of things.

Go through a lot of quills.

Mm-hmm. Not enough pigeons in the pond.

I'd love to hear everything you could tell me about your time.

Any chance you two would want to stay a couple days?

Well, we have our own

important business to attend to in the past.

We're building a wall between Massachusetts and Connecticut.

And we're going to force Connecticut to pay for it.

I have a ton of beer.

We're staying in the future!

Oh, Hancock and Adams really stunk this thing up.

There's, like, five dead frogs in here.

Daniel, I'm getting really good

at making ice cream, but I'm worried

that there's more to modern business

- than just the product itself. - Yeah, there's

advertising, marketing, distribution,

writing yourself tons of fake reviews every day.

Wow!

You really know your stuff.

I'd like to add you to my team.

I am pretty smart at business.

I've seen every episode of Shark Tank, so...

- Will that help us? - Definitely.

And I'm not one of those Bob snobs, either,

that undervalues Robert Herjavec just because

he's the son of an immigrant factory worker.

What would Robert do?

He'd probably tell us we need a hook...

- something to make our business unique. - I know.

Maybe our hook should be...

ice cream is simple and delicious, and people love it!

No. I can guarantee you it won't be simple.

Deb, I'm a guy that takes big swings.

And more often than not, I miss.

- Like your white jeans? - Yes, but

when I hit... ooh, baby!

Like your red jeans?

Yeah. Like my red riders.

("Ode to Joy" playing)

Ya, ya, ya, ya

Ya, ya, ya, ya

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya-ya...

Brilliant!

Tell me where the orchestra is hidden, lad!

It's all coming from right there.

(laughing)

90 miniature men

contained inside

an oaken box playing music for our pleasure?

Why, it defies comprehension.

You know, I used to be in a band, Chris.

Really?

We called ourselves

The Merry Band of Friends

Here to Regale You with Music and Song.

(laughs airily)

Can I tell people that?

ADAMS: You can tell people

- that they stink. - HANCOCK: Hey.

I never criticized you for that line of bonnets

you made and tried to sell under your wife's name.

Oh. No, no, no. Stop jotting.

That one stays here.

What's all this for anyway, Christopher?

My job's in danger.

But I can save it if I have new stories to tell

about the birth of American democracy.

Democracy is a concept best learned by experience.

Chris, what if we turned your apartment

into a practicing democracy?

Gentlemen, what say you?

ALL: Aye! (laugh)

Well, the ayes take it, three to nil.

To democracy! (laughs)

(laughter)

(laughter continues)

(car horn toots)

(loud snoring)

(gasps)

Don't be alarmed, Chris.

This is merely companionship.

We were not attempting to copulate.

(sharp snort)

En garde, fiend! Aah!

- I'm sorry. - (glass breaks)

I was having a dream about my wife.

So, Chris, what

shall we discuss today?

The Magna Carta?

George Washington?

Betsy Ross's jugs?

- Such a gifted potter. - Uh, no, I've got

to get to work, but maybe later tonight,

you can finish telling me that story about Ben Franklin?

I'll tell you the short version now.

He has syphilis.

Whoa! All right, that's some saucy history.

Are you guys

sure you're okay here

by yourselves?

Chris, we are educated,

land-owning gentlemen.

I speak Latin.

And I freed myself from the blowhole of a whale.

I don't know when you're lying, so,

in case you get hungry,

here's some oatmeal.

Fair Edmund, the Quaker!

- He did it! - ADAMS: He always said he wanted

to be a model.

- Good for him. - Good for him.

Daniel, I'm so excited

to finally hear our hook.

And I'm so excited to tell it to you.

Who is this?

Well, this is Melanie.

She's my new friend.

You have a friend. Very cool.

How can I trust her with our proprietary business secrets?

- Because I don't care? - Awesome. Great. Okay,

Deb, I promised you

that I was gonna take a big swing.

Prepare yourself for...

Night Cream.

We're puttin' the Vegas back into ice cream, baby!

- I don't get it. - Deb,

a bottle of vodka at a liquor store costs about $20,

but at a Vegas nightclub, a bottle of vodka

can run upwards of $500.

We're gonna do that

with ice cream.

But what about children?

We're not selling to children; they don't have any money.

We're selling to Saudi princes

and hedge fund playboys and Robert Craft.

Dude, you're blowing my mind.

This isn't exactly what I pictured.

I know, right? It's so much better.

Now, Deb, get ready

to have your wildest creams...

- (music starts playing) - become reality.

Can you feel it?

Berries.

Give this sugar a spank.

Bad sugar.

- Oh. - What's happening?

- An ice cream revolution, Deb. - Oh.

DAN: Here comes the yum.

(groans)

Tastes like a child's funeral.

This home is like a womb.

This is the first time in my life

I haven't had to worry about being cold or hungry

or shot by a Wampanoag arrow.

It's amazing...

when you're not covered in sopping wet wool,

one's mind can take fanciful flight.

The fanciful-est.

Why, this is the perfect atmosphere for us

to think of stories for our friend, Chris.

You know what would inspire me?

The little men playing a ditty.

You, in there.

A one, a two.

Well, go on. Do it.

Play for us, ye tiny minions.

Hello.

Oh, no. We forgot to feed them.

I will sacrifice my oats

so that they may live.

Here. Eat up.

- Open your mouths. - Are they eating?

Is this your slop door?

Give me a little piccolo if I'm doing this right.

You, fool. These are genteel men.

They eat their oats out of bowls.

Then we must fashion little bowls for them.

- Out of what? - Uh...

The oats themselves.

- They'll be like taco bowls. - What?

Yummy oats in little oaten bowls.

- We don't have time for that. - We don't?

- Awaken the maestro. - What?

He'll instruct them to defy protocol

and eat with their hands.

Guys.

Perhaps they've moved to another box.

I recall sounds coming from this box as well

during Project Runway.

(both grunting)

You're free.

You're free to play us music.

I don't see them.

By, God, if they're lost on our watch, Chris will have a fit.

Dismantle this whole place until every tiny musician is found.

- ("Ode to Joy" playing) - Tiny musicians!

Where are you, tiny musicians?!

Tiny musicians!

Where are you?!

Tiny musicians!

Where are you, tiny musicians?!

Where are you?!

Have you found them?!

(grunts) Hello?

Tiny musicians, where are you?

They're not here.

(yelling)

Little tiny musicians!

Friends, I got Aristotle for tonight.

ADAMS: Hi, Chris.

What happened here?!

Chris, don't be mad.

We lost your tiny musicians.

HANCOCK: We smashed everything

looking for them, but no dice.

There are no tiny musicians!

You just ruined my apartment, you dumbasses!

HANCOCK: Dumbasses?

We signed the Declaration of Independence, I heard.

What we did was smart.

Perhaps we should take a vote

on whether or not it was smart.

We are not voting on this.

Oh, now you don't value democracy.

All those who agree that we are brave and strong

and what we did was smart, say aye.

BOTH: Aye.

The ayes have it. It was smart.

Just because you voted smart doesn't make it smart.

Au contraire, Chris.

That is the essence of democracy.

HANCOCK: That's right.

Good, dumb ideas prevail.

(sniffing)

Did one of you defecate in my fichus?

ADAMS: No. We both did.

You're going home right now.

All those in favor of us staying.

- Aye. - Aye.

Looks like we're staying, Chris.

You lost control of your republic.

USA.

- USA. - USA.

- USA. USA. - Oh, say, can you see

- USA. - By the dawn's early light

- (crying) - What so proudly we hail

At the twilight's last gleaming.

You're fired from ice cream.

What? You're firing me?

Yes. Effective immediately.

- Why? - I love you,

but Night Cream isn't just a crazy idea, it's a bad,

terrible, dumb idea,

and I hate it so much.

- It's one person's opinion. - But your bad idea

gave me a renewed confidence

in my good idea like an ice cream parlor

where I sell my own simple delicious ice cream.

I hope you're not mad.

Mad? No.

- I'm proud of you. - Really?

Look. I went rogue on Night Cream, but that's why you hired

Dan Chambers, to go rogue.

Firing me is what

Robert Herjavec would have done.

That means so much to me.

Thank you.

- Hey, Deb? - Mm-hmm.

Do you think I can keep the concept of Night Cream,

even though I developed it while working here?

Yes. I want nothing to do with Night Cream.

Great. I'll have some lawyers

write up some papers for you to sign.

I thought you were on ice cream duty.

No. My soul mate fired me.

But, bright side, now you and I

can bro out in wine country Sideways style, huh?

You, me, couple Sandra Ohs.

We are not drinking Merlot.

Shh.

- Use a coaster. - What are you doing?

I told Hancock and Adams that the voice of God

comes from a hidden baby monitor in my apartment

so they'll stop destroying my place.

They're still here?

Why haven't you taken them back?

Look. My future at this college

depends on me getting something from them.

Do not eat hummus on the couch.

That's not in the Bible.

- It's implied. - ADAMS: Yes, of course.

What about baba ghanoush?

- CHRIS: All dips. - Yes, Lord. That makes sense.

DAN: That's a sick prank.

Let me try. I've had a sad day.

- Okay. - Hey,

buttholes, this is God again.

Do the worm.

W-What is that?

Yes. Describe it to me, Lord,

and I will do it for you.

It's like when you flop around on the ground

like a worm.

- Okay. Of course. - Okay.

We're so stupid, God.

It's so obvious

now that you say it.

- Floppy like this. - Look, they're trying to do it.

They're making the attempt. It's so funny.

CHRIS: It's so...

- Oh. - HANCOCK: Are we doing it good for...?

(static buzzes)

God's voice was emanating from this device.

It says "made in China."

But God was made in heaven, which God also made.

And of course, as we all know,

God hatched from a tesseract egg.

And we worshipped his projection in our space, the dodecahedron.

Chris has betrayed us.

Once more into the breach, my friend?

Aye.

(doorknob rattling)

An interesting fact you won't hear anywhere else.

John Hancock was in a band,

and they stunk.

This man is not God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

How did you find your way back here?

We are from this town, you dumbass.

I am John Hancock

and I will not stand for this.

- Sorry, kids. Clearly they're insane. - (gasps)

HANCOCK: We had the most sacred

bond of man, Chris.

We shared a bed.

And you tried to control my excretory functions.

(laughter)

Not true.

- Get out. - ADAMS: No!

We have freedom of assembly.

HANCOCK: And we choose

to assemble here,

you beetle-headed cur.

Freedom from tyranny.

Freedom from Chris.

Who wishes to ditch out

and come sun themselves nude with us?

- Aye! - ALL: Aye!

To the quad, to the quad.

Oh, good. You're both here.

Chris, you promised none of your Fifty Shades of Grey stuff

would make its way into the classroom.

Let me explain.

You're in a Colonial sex cult?

Sure.

I'm intrigued by it, but this is a school.

Tenure is off the table for you.

You'll have to take a sex sensitivity course

- at the college. - What?

And trust me, the tests are difficult.

Please, don't do this, huh?

You know how hard I work.

You've seen how hard I work.

I'm very disappointed in you, Chris.

Hey. You're gonna be okay, pervert.

DEBORAH: I'm going to call it Revere's,

and the hook is that it's ice cream

that I made. Me. Deborah.

That's amazing, you're amazing.

Well,

do you two have anything to say for yourselves?

We certainly do.

- You're welcome. - What?

- You tanked my career today. - ADAMS: We broke you down

so that we can build you back up.

You are a tiny little baby boy right now.

Do you recall when you said you needed our help?

Well, this is how we do it.

This is how we do it.

Okay. So, when do you build me back up?

Possibly tomorrow.

Though perhaps

it's already happened.

Give me something so I'm not sad.

ADAMS: Make that three.

We're sad, too.

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