Original subtitles

- All right, gotta go to work. - Oh.

- Got any plans for today? - Oh, many.

I am going to look for a second stick

to match the main stick I found yesterday.

Hey, you're not so bored

being left home alone all day

that you're going insane, right?

No. Of course not.

Though I guess I'd be the last to know.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

(inhales)

- Ah... - Yeah.

So, we need to get you into the outside world.

You think you're ready for that?

Yes. I would like to take a walk to town

and maybe get an ice cream.

That sounds great.

(exhales)

Lucille, get out your best hat.

We're going to market!

Uh, what? What's that, Lucille?

Oh, no. Lucille.

Lucille's saying that she's tired

and she wants to stay home and take a nap.

(laughs)

She's a stick; she can't talk.

Right, but...

but you... but...

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Oh, man! Is that sushi?

Yep. (clears throat)

Oh, I've been meaning to try that.

You want some?

Dude, that's so nice of you. I wasn't even thinking that.

DEBORAH: Daniel.

I need to borrow $200,000, please.

Okay. Why?

The ice cream shop is for sale,

and I'd like to buy it.

- Deb, that's a great idea. - (laughs)

Chris, I need to borrow $300,000, please.

I don't have that kind of money.

What are you talking about? Yes, you do. You're rich.

- I'm not rich. - Yes, you are.

You have things on your wall that aren't movie posters.

You mean art? I'm not rich.

I'm actually in a lot of debt.

Up until a month ago, I was definitely gonna get tenure,

so I was spending pretty irresponsibly.

What happened a month ago?

I met Dan.

You would think a history professor

with access to a time machine

would be a positive thing,

but instead my career's been totally derailed.

Wait. You're a history professor.

You have a time machine.

There's no way to turn that into money?

- Hmm. - DAN: Hey, what's this green stuff?

- It's guacamole. - Oh-ho, I love guacamole!

Guac 'n' roll, baby!

Yeah.

- (growling) - Uh, Dan?

(growling)

CHRIS: Okay, guys, let's time-travel to make some money.

We are gonna bet on the World Series of baseball.

Like Back to the Future II.

- What do you mean? - Your plan.

It's the same plan from the second Back to the Future movie.

I never saw those movies.

- What?! - DEBORAH: They're quite good.

Chris, you must see them. And stealing their plan is a great idea.

Nice work, Chris!

Okay, except it's not stealing...

because this is my own separate plan

that I came up with.

Oh, I see... so it's an original plan

even though it's exactly the same.

Yes. Now, the 1919 Series

between the Chicago White Sox and the Cincinnati Reds

was already fixed, so we won't be disturbing history

by placing a bet on it.

I get it, and I like it.

And what's even better is,

the people we'll be taking money from

are bad people.

Now I get it, and I like it.

CHRIS: We're basically Robin Hood.

You know, the sports gambling world in those days

was run by scumbag mobsters.

- Oh, the Mafia? - Yeah.

Sweet! I love the Mafia. I know everything about them.

They're basically the best.

Uh, they're violent sociopaths.

Don't be such a wet blanket, Chris.

They're classy and they say cool stuff.

I've seen every Mafia TV show and movie.

Uh, that won't be helpful.

- I will make it helpful. - It won't be.

DAN: So, Chris, I've been doing some research,

and what you think is guacamole...

- is actually wasabi. - What?!

It's a Japanese spice mustard.

And you got to be careful with that stuff, my friend.

Yikes. Thank you for the heads-up.

- Seriously. - Hey...

(quietly): check it out.

I got this for Deb.

- It's Chicago. - Cool.

Yeah. It is cool. I don't know if you can tell,

but I haven't always had the best luck with women.

You went 200 years in the past to get a girlfriend.

Right. You know, I think where I went wrong

in my previous relationships...

was that I wasn't romantic enough.

And a snow globe is gonna solve that?

It's not just a snow globe, Chris.

Traveling through time

on a romantic weekend to Chicago

so I can win money and buy that ice cream parlor

and Deb can have the job of her dreams.

This is a symbol of our new life together.

That's really sweet, Dan.

Oh, hey, I got you something, too.

Turn it upside down, her clothes come off.

Wait, why would you think I'd be into this?

Oh, well, I bought a white woman

'cause I just didn't want to assume...

Assume what?

(takes deep breath)

This feels like a minefield for me,

so... you're welcome.

(cat yowls)

(motor chugging)

(old-fashioned car horn aoogas)

Oh! 1919 Chicago!

Ah, this is incredible!

Oh, right, the past is still kind of the future for you.

You can almost feel the jazz in the air.

I'm sorry, what?

I never told you this,

but I blow a pretty tasty licorice stick.

I'm sorry, what?

Jazz clarinet, amigo.

What?

Okay, I've done a lot of research,

and I've prepared cover stories for each of us.

I'm gonna be Ellsworth "Bumpy" Johnson,

the notorious black mobster from Harlem.

Bumpy Johnson? That's the name you're going with?

Yes. And you're gonna be Bugsy Siegel from Murder, Inc.

They should let us place a pretty big bet

based on our names and reputations.

Deb, you will be Bugsy's girlfriend, Virginia Hill.

No.

- What do you mean, no? - I don't want to be just a girlfriend.

- I want to be my own gangster. - Fine.

There was a stickup artist by the name of Rose Durante...

they called her the Pretty Pants Bandit.

Okay. I like it.

(like old-time gangster): Nyeh. And I'm Bugsy Siegel! See?

And I'm Rose Durante.

Stick 'em up! See?

Please promise me you won't talk like that the whole trip.

Not the whole trip. See?

Just most of it, Jack!

(jazz playing)

Do these people not recognize Bumpy Johnson?

DAN: You know, there's still time to change the name.

- I like the name. I'm keeping the name. - (bartender clears throat)

Did I, uh, hear you say you're Bumpy Johnson?

Yeah. Yeah, you heard that.

And I'm looking to lay down a big wager, too.

Ah. I heard you don't leave Harlem for nothin'.

Why didn't you just place your bet there?

Yeah, why didn't I do that?

Well, uh... I'm friends...

with, uh, Bugsy Siegel.

Everybody knows Bugsy don't have no friends.

Really? (chuckles)

They say that, huh?

I'm the Pretty Pants Bandit.

I've literally never heard those words before.

Get the hell out of here.

I guess my ice cream dreams are melting away.

- I know Al Capone! - (glass shatters)

CHRIS (whispers): Dan, what are you doing?

DAN: That's right.

I work with Al Capone.

And I'm looking to put 100 large

on the Reds to win the World Series.

See?

Yeah, I see.

I mean, throwing that name around without being able to back it up...

(laughs): that'd be suicide.

I'll get you boys a marker.

Daniel, that was amazing.

Pretty smart, right?

See, what I realized was

we were using all the names of New York gangsters,

but, duh, we're in Chicago...

we need to just use the names of Chicago gangsters,

so that's what I did.

The reason I wanted to be from New York

and, very specifically, not Chicago,

was so that we could avoid the homicidal maniacs

we are lying about.

Don't be salty, Chris,

just because your PhD means nothing here,

and I know everything about this place and these people,

'cause I've seen The Untouchables once on cable.

This is really dangerous.

Chris, if anything bad happens,

we have a time machine.

We'll be like, "Bye..."

DAN: She's right.

Until then, this is basically Mafia fantasy camp.

Thank you, Sweet Lou.

Drink up.

Oh, n-no. We didn't, um...

You're with Capone.

You don't have to pay for anything.

DAN: I... think we're gonna like it here.

(laughter)

Hi.

(clarinet featured)

(instruments other than clarinet fading)

CHRIS: How's everybody doing?

Watch me for the changes.

And try to keep up, okay?

Oh, God.

(playing intro to "Ants Marching")

(people exclaiming happily)

Is this "Ants Marching"?

I guess you wouldn't know.

MAN: Hey, Brian. It's your cousin Troy.

What?

Troy! Troy!

Nah! Troy!

Hey, never mind! Forget it!

I was gonna tell you about this new sound...

No, I'm Troy!

(whoops)

- (applause, cheering) - Yeah! Huh?

Huh? What, now?

(cheering, whistling)

All right.

(song ends)

Big slam!

(new song begins)

Are you serious you've never seen Back to the Future?

Nope. Stop asking me.

Here's to being debt-free.

Do something exciting with your toast opportunity...

we're traveling in time.

To winning!

To #winning.

To tiger blood.

Which I guess we found out is just AIDS blood.

So, to winning!

To winning.

To winning money to buy an ice cream parlor.

With our bet on a crooked World Series.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Clink.

DAN: Mmm.

- Deb, I, uh... - Mmm.

... I got you this.

(gasps softly)

It's just a little memento from...

me to you to remember the trip.

Oh, Daniel, it's wonderful.

Daniel... no one's ever given me something before.

Oh...

What did I do to deserve this?

You're you.

Look at the snow.

CHRIS: Interesting fact...

that's not snow, it's glitter.

And they add glycerin to the water to increase viscosity.

Thanks.

Thank you for keeping us all safe.

I think we all would have freaked out

if we thought that that was real snow in there.

MAN: Sorry to interrupt.

Is it true you guys work for Al Capone?

Less like work for Al Capone;

more like work with Al Capone.

Yeah, yeah, it's like an equal partnership.

- See, buster? - (laughter)

Eh, scram, you crumbug!

Get out of here! Heh-heh.

Uh, my apologies. I should've known.

After all, I am Al Capone.

(hammer cocks)

(chatter muted)

(chuckles nervously)

Ugh...

Mr. Capone, let me start by saying

we are really, really sorry.

I hope we didn't offend you at all.

We'll just leave.

- Would you like this snow globe? - Oh, really?

CHRIS: Interesting fact... if you think that's regular water in there,

no, they pumped it full of glycerin.

Shut up.

You're not going anywhere,

until somebody tells me...

why a New York crew I've never seen before...

is running around my town

using... my name.

There is a good explanation for it.

And that explanation is that, uh,

we-we-we-we do know you.

You-you don't remember us, 'cause we met ten years ago,

and we all look different now.

I-I got fat.

I gained a lot of weight, 'cause I'm a stress eater,

and I've had a lot on my plate.

You know, I'm picturing you skinny.

Yeah. Yeah, I can see it.

That would really slim down your face.

Yes, I have fat face features.

- Yeah, you have fat face features. - All right.

- What about them?! - Aah!

I... I changed my hair.

- Hair really does make a difference. - Yes, it does.

It acts as, like, a frame for the whole head.

It does make a difference.

- What did he change?! - Oh.

He actually didn't change anything.

He's not memorable.

I'm memorable. I play the clarinet.

Wow.

Even as he was saying that, I was, like, tuning him out.

- Right? Right? - (laughing)

- Right? - Yeah.

(others laughing)

I don't know, guys.

This all sounds a little hard to believe.

But you were just believing it seconds ago.

Think about it.

A crew of legit gangsters,

who I haven't seen in a long time,

comes to town on the very same day my normal crew...

is all sick with scarlet fever?

Your whole crew came down with scarlet fever on the same day?

You know what that means?!

It means I don't have

to cancel the stickup I planned!

- Oh! - Yay!

- Whoo! Yay! - Am I the luckiest...

damn guy in the world?!

Yeah!

Yay!

(yelling)

Some wiseguys have been running a poker game

without giving me a piece of the action.

Those fiends.

So we're gonna go in there and take our cut...

that'll teach them not to invite me.

DAN: Now, Al,

could you maybe, possibly...

not really be mad about the money

and be upset that you didn't get invited to the poker game?

Yeah.

Forgettable, you're on crowd control.

You go in there, and someone tries to be a hero,

you waste 'em!

- What? - Fatface!

- Fatf... uh, yes, Fatface. - Yeah, you, Fatface! Fatface.

When we get in there, you take out the bodyguard

just inside the door!

- Take him out, like, with a gun? - Yeah.

Shoot him in the face!

Shoot him in the face?

Long-hair, you are our getaway driver.

Oh, then I will drive the car with my...

hands and feet. I know how.

Okay, well, the shifter is a little tricky,

so let me take a moment to show you how to work it.

(whispering): Dude, check it out.

The time machine.

Put that away.

What are you...

Smart.

A bag to carry the money.

I'm always running out with it in my hands,

dropping wads everywhere like a big galoot!

Oh! That is great.

- Give me this. - Nope.

- Give me this. - No.

- It's a bag for the money! - Right.

You know what? I like you guys.

I really do.

Okay! Keep the car running!

Let's... do it!

Whoo-hoo! Man!

- Oops. - Oh, yeah!

So, Al Capone has our time machine.

Good job, everybody.

He said "oops," Chris.

(automatic gunfire, people screaming)

- (gunfire stops) - Well, hopefully, he's done shooting.

- (gunfire) - CHRIS: He isn't.

You think he's gonna be mad we didn't go in there with him?

Wah-hoo!

(laughs loudly)

Let's go!

Let's move. Let's move, move, move, move, move!

(engine grinding)

- (horn aooga'ing) - Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- DAN: It's okay. - Oh!

I'm sorry.

So, I guess you guys aren't, like, real gangsters, huh?

DAN: Nope.

CAPONE: Let's go. Come on.

Come on, boys, let's go have a little talk.

Why don't you, uh, stay up here

and, uh, help my dinner lady make-a the pasta.

Come on.

Arms up, boys.

I got to check for weapons.

Come on. Turn around.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Hachi machi!

Who's the dame?

Boy, what I wouldn't give to see

what's underneath that bathing suit, huh?

Turn her upside down.

Hachi machi!

And there's more where that came from.

Really?

- No. - Why would you tell him that?

No, I don't know why I said that.

All right, boys,

why don't you give me one good reason

why I don't blow both your brains out right now.

And before you do,

let me give you a list of reasons I've heard in the past

that I would prefer not to hear again.

- Good? - Yes, sir.

One... "I'm getting married."

Did my invitation get lost in the mail?

If I'm just now hearing about your wedding,

- how do you think that makes me feel? - Bad.

Two... "I'm going to the follies tomorrow"!

All right, um... are you going alone?

Do you only have one ticket?

Or do you in fact...

have several tickets,

I just didn't even get a courtesy phone call?

They're taking an awfully long time.

Al kind of tells me to keep my nose out of his business.

He called you his "dinner lady."

Is that a fun job?

Uh, I'm his wife.

That's just what he calls me.

That's terrible.

All the time?

Um, ever since we were married when I was 16.

What?

That hasn't changed since I was growing up?

When did you grow up?

The same time that you did, of course.

Then why would you say it like that?

Because... I thought that...

when I was younger that it would change,

because I am now an adult, and that's all.

Ah. I guess that is kind of strange.

Tell me...

what else do we both dislike

about our place in modern times?

Um, well...

I... I guess I wish I was allowed to go

to the end of my driveway without permission.

And, um, sometimes I wish I were allowed...

You know what, I shouldn't say it.

What? What? Say it.

To talk in church.

- (gasps) - Yes, I know, I'm bad, I'm bad.

You're so bad!

What would you say?

"Nice hat."

(both laughing)

I know.

We should stop this.

Al wouldn't like it.

But we were just getting to know each other.

You're very nice.

But you seem like trouble, and, um,

I need to focus when I make-a the pasta.

DAN: Anyway, Al,

uh...

"I have band practice tomorrow."

One guy said that to me.

I... play...

the... drums.

Everybody knows that about me.

I-I'm not saying I got to be the drummer in every band,

but how about an audition, at least?

As a fellow musician, I have to say

I find that to be quite rude.

God, please don't let the last thing I hear

be you blabbering about your clarinet.

Time's up, boys!

What are your reasons?!

Um, I-I'm, um, waiting for a package.

And it's supposed to be delivered, and I've missed it twice.

Because my day's so busy.

And-and-and if I miss it a third time,

I'm gonna have to go down to the post office,

it's gonna be a whole thing.

Wh-what's in the package?

- Body wash. - Nope!

A package was almost an acceptable reason, but...

But there's other things!

There's other things in that package,

Dan... tell him the other things that are in the package!

Paper towels and socks!

Let's just get this over with. Good-bye.

No! No! No! The World Series is fixed!

The Chicago White Sox are gonna throw it.

And we're making a big bet... we can cut you in,

and we could all make a lot of money!

(kiss)

(whispers): Was that the kiss of death?

What is that?

It's when you kiss someone before you kill them.

Kiss 'em and then kill 'em?

That is sick.

Boy, what a sick, cute sweetie you turned out to be.

Could we just have our bag back, please?

Why don't we just wait and see

how our little bet turns out first, gentlemen, shall we?

(closing door echoes, lock clacks)

CHRIS: So we're stuck in 1919?

CAPONE: You know, I feel like that all the time.

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