Original subtitles

Previously on Making History...

Sometimes I use things from the future to...

make them like me more here.

My name's Jason Bourne.

I'm Tom Cruise.

This is Magic Johnson.

- I wrote you another song. - Oh.

Every night in my dream

I see you

I feel you

- Super pathetic. - You ready to go to the future?

(chuckles excitedly)

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

DAN: Bet you miss 1775, huh?

DEBORAH: Not really.

Picnicking with you is even better

in the future.

What is this called again?

Oh, that's spray cheese.

It's inspired by cheese.

Mmm.

And your neighborhood is so lovely.

There isn't even a children's graveyard.

Oh, yeah.

One of the cool things about the future

is that most kids live.

Oh, I love that.

Me, too.

- Clink. - Clink. (giggles)

The only thing that would

make this moment even more perfect

is if you sang me one of your songs.

Okay. This one's about...

(plane flies overhead)

Oh!

A flying crucifix! It's the end of days!

Babe, that's just a plane. That's an airplane.

(speaking in tongues)

DAN: All right, a lot's different in 2017.

Let's review. Picture one.

- Car. - Very good.

- Picture two? - Cat. We had those.

Great, so you'll know what they are.

Picture three?

- Asian person. - And?

What do we say when we see an Asian person?

- Nothing. - Nothing. There's nothing...

DEBORAH: There's nothing about seeing an Asian person

that I need to comment on. It's totally normal.

Really good. I am really proud of you.

You've been studying really hard.

I have a great teacher.

(laughs)

All right, I have to go to work.

I really wish I could go with you.

All right.

Let's give it a whirl.

(man sighs in relief)

What if I was to tell you, mentee,

that this is a victory sauna?

- (man coughs) - Your name

is being bandied around for tenure.

- Wait, for real? (laughs) - Yes.

Well, how does one theoretically seal the proverbial deal?

You're gonna be under intense scrutiny.

You've got to walk

and talk,

a-and even hand me that water,

as someone who is tenure-worthy.

Very good.

You know, I wasn't always Dr. Theodore Anthony Cobell.

I used to be "Ted Tony."

Then I got tenure

and I murdered Ted Tony.

Message received.

And now come talk to me while I shower.

So, this is where I eat lunch.

Daniel,

that woman is holding a skateboard.

How do you know what a skateboard is?

Do you think I wasn't listening when you told me

of all your inventions?

So, I call it the Panini press.

Basically you take any food on the planet,

- you can heat it, flatten it. - (crunches)

And it's delicious.

So my new invention

is a mask.

Right, when you put it on,

people think you're a gorilla.

- (screams) - (horse neighs)

The next book I'm writing picks up five years

after Tokyo Drift left off.

Dominic finds out that Letty

- has been murdered. - (soft gasp)

Was she working undercover, too?

You never know

with these guys. They're too fast,

and they're way too furious.

I can't believe it.

Your inventions are everywhere.

(music playing through headphones, Deborah gasps)

Oh, that man is even wearing

your Beats by Dan headphones!

- Let's go say hi. - Oh, no, no, no. You know what?

(grunts) I'm blowing up.

They're telling me work is done for the day.

Just got an e-mail.

Another wonderful creation of yours.

Um, let's go home.

Uh, quickly, out the side door.

That wasn't overwhelming or scary at all.

And I loved seeing all the different colors walls can be.

- Yeah, walls can be whatever. - (phone buzzes)

Oh. Oh, no.

There's an emergency at work.

I have to go... back.

Okay. I'll miss you.

- I'll miss you, too. - Perhaps you can

sing me one of your songs

to think of while you're gone.

Deb, the thing about my songs...

You're such an amazing talent.

It's as if you read my private thoughts

and put them to wondrous melodies.

Well, here are some more of your thoughts.

If I could turn back time

If I could find a way

I'd take back

All those times that I'd hurt you

And you'd stay.

(quietly): Is that enough? No? Okay.

If I could reach the stars

I'd give them all

To you.

Oh, Daniel, you're a genius.

All right, see you at 5:00.

- Byesies. - Byesies.

Byesies.

CHRIS: Good afternoon, class.

As Robert Oppenheimer once said,

"Now I am become Death,

the destroyer of worlds."

You know what that means, huh?

- Pop quiz! - (students groan and murmur)

Hey, hey, hey.

If you don't have haters in this job, it means

- you're not doing it right. - (tapping on door)

(whispering): Chris, I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you.

- Our heater's fine, thank you. - (door opens)

- Chris. - What are you doing?

- Get out. - It's very important.

Okay, this is a classroom.

Uh... they're taking a quiz.

Is it a hard quiz?

Is he a hard professor?

I bet he's hard, but he's fair.

Okay, you know what? Let's go outside.

If he's hard, it's because he cares about you.

He cares about you enough that he wants to challenge you.

Out.

What could possibly justify you interrupting my class?

- Chicks, brother. - Oh, my God.

Can you please just be normal for one second?

Okay, so Deb and I are at this really weird stage

in our relationship where I've been lying to her

the whole time about everything.

And I'm about to be found out.

- What are you asking me? - Well, I guess I'm not...

really asking a question, per se.

More trying to engage you in a dialogue.

Well, what have you been lying about?

I maybe told her that I invented

most aspects of modern society and...

pretty much every work of art and kind of every song.

Hmm. Well, it sounds like you have two options.

Option one being that you tell her the truth

- and she probably leaves you. - Pass. Can't do that. Option two?

She finds out on her own and she definitely leaves you.

Nah, can't do that either. Maybe I'll Truman Show her.

- (students laughing) - Create a whole fake world

under the guise of reality television.

Chris?

- (clears throat) - Oh. Hello, Dean.

Chris, I just peeked in your classroom.

All their students have their phones out

playing "Poke-a-hey-mon Go."

I will get back in there immediately.

- DEBORAH: Surprise! - What is this?

Did you hunt,

farm, and...

woodwork a chair?

Your song inspired me to make a loving gesture.

I trapped everything myself in yon woods.

Deb, kids play in yon woods.

Well, children know to be on the lookout for traps.

And those candles are quite lovely. Uh...

- what are they made out of? - Crushed butterflies and squirrel lard.

I fashioned the squirrel pelts into a cushion.

And the bones into a tiny piano.

(plays "Yankee Doodle")

That is so cool. And what a way to honor that squirrel.

- You're amazing. - Piffle.

Your inventions are far superior to this.

That's kind of why I-I-I think we should talk

about my inventions.

Let's eat.

Before the roasted opossum gets cold.

Oh, I only wish

I had my butter churn to make fresh butter

- to complete the meal. - You know what?

We have a time machine.

Let's go get it.

(switch clicks, electronic whining)

(dog barking in the distance)

DAN: Oh, right.

That's why I don't use this thing inside.

I hope you won't think this too forward, but...

can we go out tonight?

Sure, yeah.

Let's go out.

I've waited all my life for this.

In 1775 women weren't allowed in taverns.

Unless, they were, of course, whores.

Of course.

Although we should get you something to wear.

I don't know what you should wear, but I do know

it's not a 200-year-old housecoat

covered in squirrel's blood.

- Oh, right. - DAN: Okay.

Here's everything in my closet that could possibly

be considered lady clothes.

I have PJ pants,

my girliest sweater, my Octomom

Halloween costume if you cut off the baby dolls.

- DOLL: Mama. - I got my "Big Baby" Davis jersey.

You could, uh...

belt it.

I like the green.

- Nice. - Green looks good on you.

Do you have any beet juice?

Girl...

I got better than beet juice.

And you just want to smoke it out.

You're just kind of smearing it and smudging it...

Don't blink.

Stop blinking.

(stifling laughter): I'm not blinking.

- You're blinking. - (laughs)

No. Go, go.

Do it.

Do you want your eye to be smoked or not?

So, this is a bar.

Hey, cute shoes.

- I like your front teeth. - Hey.

DEBORAH: Daniel,

they have one of your televisions here.

DAN: So they do.

Very cool. Oh, hey, Chris.

Hey, look, it's Chris, you remember Chris

from when we all time-traveled.

- Uh, yeah. - CHRIS: What are y'all doing here?

What am I doing here?

I live a block

from this place. What are you doing here?

No one else from the college comes to this place.

Yeah, exactly.

Trivia Night with townies?

- I always dominate. - What is Trivia Night?

- It's a contest of knowledge. - Nerds arguing about dumb stuff.

This will be a grand exchange of ideas just as I imagined.

(bell dings)

What was the primary unit of time

in the Mayan calendar?

- Yes? - Day. - (bell dings)

- Correct. - Yes!

In 1787, Levi Hutchins

invented the first...

- Alarm clock. - Yes. - (bell dings)

- Heating up, boy! - What ship was sunk bringing the U.S. into World War I?

- Lusitania. Damn Yankees. - (bell dinging)

- Trotsky! - Yes.

Oh, I know this one... Michael Jordan!

- No. - Carbon dioxide.

- DAN: Eh, I was close. - (bell dings)

You're right. You're always right.

Riboflavin is the scientific name

- for what vitamin? - Riboflavin?

- R-I-B-E-O... - CHRIS: Vitamin...

B2.

- (bell dinging, patrons murmur) - I'm gonna go get us another

- pitcher of beer. - Round two

- after the break. - Chris, may I ask you something

about Dan?

I know he's brilliant, but...

why doesn't he seem to know anything?

There's different kinds of smart.

- No, there aren't. - Okay,

it's time for a pop culture round.

Pop culture. Right in Dan's wheelhouse.

Who sings

- this song? -

If I could turn back time

Finally, one I know!

No, Deb, no, y-you don't know it.

Dan Chambers, my boyfriend!

- (laughter) - MAN: Idiot!

MAN 2: It's Cher.

MAN 3: Who the hell's Dan Chambers?

WOMAN: What a dummy.

CHRIS: Well, at least you were honest with her.

I don't know why I did the things I did

- MAN 4: You're really cute. - I don't know why

- I said the things I said

- Deb? Deb?

Pride's like the knife.

Hey, Deb.

I know this banana is yours,

but I was really looking forward to opening it.

I hope you'll have the decency to let me take it.

Take it where? Where are you going?

Why are you wearing your travel bonnet?

I'm moving into the woods.

Yon woods?

- Yes, yon woods. - Deb,

- please, listen. - I gave up

everything... my family, my sisters... because I trusted you.

Have you even done

one of the great things you've claimed?

Yes, I saw all The Fast and Furiouseses.

I saw the seventh one seven times.

- Good-bye, Daniel. - No, no. Wait, wait. Look, I wanted

to tell you the truth. I just... I couldn't figure out how.

I... I turned myself into someone

that I thought you would like because...

I didn't think you'd like the real me.

No one ever has.

I fell in love with Cher's words, not yours.

He knows me better than you do.

(horns honking)

(distant siren blaring)

(door squeaks open)

Hello?

What type of man do you want to be, Chris?

Dr. Cobell?

Wait. What are you doing here?

You gave me a key... for emergencies.

What's the emergency?

Tenure!

Okay. I'm sorry. I don't understand.

I tell you you're going to be under intense scrutiny.

I tell you you must watch the company that you keep.

And how do you respond? By traipsing about with-with Dan Dan the Heating Man.

- No, we only talked a couple of times. - Well,

the dean tells me he interrupted you in quite a hallway rumpus.

That gossipy bitch.

That gossipy bitch bandied your name for tenure.

And I suggest

if you want it, you fall in line!

Am I clear?

Yes, Dr. Cobell.

- (groaning): Oh! - (knees creaking)

DAN: Hey, dude, so, Deb moved into the woods.

I need you to come help me find her.

Dan, you know I like you.

- Yeah, I love you, Chris. - Right.

I'm up for tenure, and things are getting weird

between me and my mentor.

(whispering): People are watching me.

Watching you?

Shh.

I get what's going on.

You don't want to be seen with Dan Dan the Heating Man,

Takes a Pee in a Garbage Can.

I hadn't heard that second part.

Well, it's part of it, and it wasn't a garbage can.

It was a recycling bin, but it's okay.

You're friend-dumping me.

No. Tenure is my Deborah.

I've wanted it since I was 18, and I am so close.

Yeah. You know what, Chris?

Good luck.

I think you're going to make a really great tenure.

That's not how it works. Dan?

I'm gonna go see my real friends.

(church bell chimes)

Short service today, huh? Just eight hours.

I am completely full of holy fervor.

- John Hancock! Sam Adams! - ADAMS: Dan!

I'm shocked to see you here.

You told me your religion was Phish concerts.

It's an emergency.

I have a problem with Deborah.

Daniel, you've come to the right place.

Outside of a church?

Where better to receive erotic counsel?

HANCOCK: From two of

the world's most accomplished lovers.

I have drunk deeply of Aphrodite's waters.

ADAMS: And I once

- saw an ocelot pubis. - (clears his throat)

Hello,

- Reverend. - (horse whinnying)

I just need

some advice. If I lost Deb, I really...

I don't know what I would do.

Oh, love, thy fair and foul demon.

Why must you torture Dan so?!

Take me instead!

HANCOCK: Easy, brother.

Dan, what gestures have you made

- to win back Deborah's heart? - Well,

I went out to the edge of the woods and cried really loud,

hoping that she would hear me and come out.

- That's lame. - (horse neighing)

I'm not surprised you're losing her.

- So what do you suggest I do? - HANCOCK: When I was

courting my beloved,

there was another competing for her affections,

a suitor she preferred openly.

He sent her a carriage

filled with a thousand roses.

What'd you do?

I drowned him in a distant well

and told no one.

Okay.

Well, I don't think she has another suitor,

so I wouldn't even know who to drown.

The point is, get creative!

- What does she like? - Well, actually, she likes

these little songs I've been singing to her.

Then you must become the greatest singer

she has ever known.

Give her... the performance of a lifetime.

The performance of a lifetime.

I think I know exactly what to do. See, I've...

Uh, no, no. Don't say it out loud. Part of

the magic is never checking it with anyone.

You're right.

I'm going to do it and not check it with anybody.

Hey, we're doing great, too.

Yeah, our revolution's coming along.

Toxic narcissist.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

I'm Cher.

(groans softly)

Deb?

Deb?

Deb?!

I have a treat for you.

Deborah? Deb, where are you?

Deb? (branches snapping)

(high-pitched whimpering, thudding)

(groaning): Aah, Deb!

- (crow cawing) - Deb?!

Anyone?!

The police?!

Mom?!

- I'll be right with you. - (sighs)

How long has it been?

Oh.

- Ugh. - Deb?

Deb? Hey.

What are you doing?

(scoffs) Guys, right?

Is this about Dan?

How did you guess?

Because Dan is literally the only person you know.

He was.

When I uncovered his lies, I went into yon woods to reflect.

Then I went back to reconcile, and he was gone.

He never came back.

- I think he left me. - No, no, no.

I just saw Dan yesterday,

and he was going into the woods to find you.

- He could be lost in there! - Maybe.

- We have to go find him! - Deb, I don't think

I should be involved, you know.

This is, like, a complicated situation for me.

He went back to 1775 to find you.

Yeah, but when we went back in time, I barely knew Dan,

and now he'll be costing me my chance at my dream job.

So this is about money.

And status.

I'm shocked you find those things

more important than friendship.

Look, I like Dan, you know?

I really do.

Well, he idolizes you.

When we're together, you're all he talks about.

No, all he talks about is you.

Fine. Let me cancel this Tinder date I'm on.

Beth?!

Nope. I'm out.

(owl hooting)

Daniel?! Dan?!

Daniel Chambers?!

(groans)

(groaning)

Daniel?!

Daniel?!

Hey!

Down here! (gasps)

He must have fallen in one of my traps.

DAN: Over here!

Daniel.

- Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. - No, no.

No, no, it's me. It's Dan.

Hi, Deb.

Why are you dressed like that?

I'm Cher.

Oh, my God.

Cher sang

"If I Could Turn Back Time,"

but I did turn back time... for you.

This is so gross.

Can you shut up for a second? 'Cause I'm kind of, like,

working on a relationship. Thanks.

So I dressed up as Cher

and wrote a song for you, and I came out here

and fell in this trap.

I realized I made a horrible mistake.

Because I don't even know what Cher looks like?

So there were a few mistakes made.

I've been drinking my own breast water

to survive. If you didn't teach me

about pine needles as foods,

I wouldn't have even made it an hour.

Yes, you would have.

Chris, don't talk down to me because I'm a pit person.

DEBORAH: Let's get

you out of there.

(grunts) Whoa!

DEBORAH: I know it's hard

for us to communicate, but... you must love me to have done

whatever... confusing gesture this was.

Deb... I don't always know what I'm doing,

but I know I'd do anything for you.

CHRIS: And send.

- (whoosh) - DAN: Chris?

You're out here looking for your missing bro.

I think that means that we are friends.

It means I'm glad you're not dead.

That's the definition of friends.

Can we leave?

(brushing teeth)

I fell in a pit, ate only pine needles,

and I still gained four pounds.

- Maybe you'd gained it before the pit? - No.

I checked before I left.

I wanted to see how much I weighed as a girl.

Well, I'm going to go to sleep.

Right. Yeah.

Good night.

Oh, good night. Good night.

(door closes)

- (knocking) - Yes?

Do you still want to hear that song I wrote for you?

- Yes. - Good.

I know we're all made up, but... I worked really hard on it.

Deb, your heart is like the ocean

Your eyes are like the star-ar-ars

That's why you got me going

Like, ooh, brata-ta-ta-ta

(in high-pitched voice):

Deb, Deb, Deb, Deb

Smoking hot in that corset, Deb.

I love it.

Thanks. Don't steal it.

MAN: Yeah!

(horn honking)

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