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1
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,300
* Tell me whyI love you like I do
2
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:21,133
* Tell me whocan stop my heartas much as you
3
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,067
* Let's take each other's hand
4
00:00:23,133 --> 00:00:24,934
* As we jump intothe final frontier
5
00:00:27,667 --> 00:00:30,067
* I'm mad about you, baby
6
00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:31,934
* Yeah!
7
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,534
(PHONE RINGING)
8
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,667
PAUL: Honey,
could you get that?
9
00:00:36,734 --> 00:00:39,267
Did you put
the machine on?
10
00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:41,033
Honey, could
you get that?
11
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,367
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
12
00:00:42,968 --> 00:00:43,901
Oh, boy.
13
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:50,067
Hello!
14
00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:52,601
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PHONE)
15
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:53,601
What?
16
00:00:54,634 --> 00:00:55,734
I'm not sure
what you're saying,
17
00:00:55,801 --> 00:00:58,501
but I'm going to answer
Chicken a la King!
18
00:01:00,534 --> 00:01:02,634
All right,
I'm obviously wrong.
19
00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,100
Hold on. Hold on.
20
00:01:05,434 --> 00:01:07,000
(PHONE DISCONNECTING)
Hi.
21
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,167
Thank you very much
for waiting.
22
00:01:09,234 --> 00:01:12,133
Aw, Murray, no, I told you,
we're making a film here.
23
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,534
Save it for when
the cameras are rolling.
24
00:01:13,601 --> 00:01:14,634
(WHINES)
25
00:01:14,701 --> 00:01:16,300
(GROANS)
26
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,601
Play me like a fiddle.
27
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,434
(MURRAY BARKING)
Go get it.
28
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:20,534
All right. All right.
29
00:01:20,601 --> 00:01:22,167
You got all the rules,
right?
30
00:01:22,234 --> 00:01:23,968
It's just our lives.
31
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,634
That's all they want to see.
32
00:01:25,701 --> 00:01:27,734
Fifteen minutes of our lives
straight through.
33
00:01:27,801 --> 00:01:30,167
No interruptions,
no cuts, no nothing.
34
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:33,200
Just you--you and me and...
I'm talking to nothin' here.
35
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,501
Here. Take these.
36
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:35,801
What did you do?
Take these.
37
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:37,734
Look, did you steal from
their fire escape again?
38
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,467
I borrowed them.
39
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,167
You pulled them
out of the pot?
40
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:42,400
I did not.
41
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,801
I'm lookin' at roots.
42
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:47,501
I just want
the apartment to look nice.
43
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,968
Okay. But you understand
it's a documentary, right?
44
00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:51,234
So?
45
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,033
So, I mean, they want it
to look honest and real.
46
00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:54,467
You knew nothing
about this?
47
00:01:54,534 --> 00:01:56,667
I knew nothing.
They just called me this morning!
48
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:58,434
I told you
as soon as they told me.
49
00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:00,567
And that's all that they said?
That's all they told me.
50
00:02:00,634 --> 00:02:01,868
It's a PBS special.
51
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:04,133
They're having six different
documentary filmmakers
52
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,968
turn the cameras
on themselves.
53
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:08,300
Why couldn't they
give us some warning?
54
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:10,367
Who knows?
They want it to be a slice of life.
55
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,601
Why can't it be
a slice of life with some warning?
56
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,167
They want it
to be spontaneous.
57
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,901
Why can't it be
a spontaneous slice...
58
00:02:15,968 --> 00:02:17,300
Because they're PBS!
Who knows?
59
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:19,167
They're-- They're smarter
than us.
60
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:21,534
Well, I'm not giving them
any money this year.
61
00:02:21,601 --> 00:02:23,934
We never give them money.
Well, I'm not gonna feel guilty this year.
62
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,067
(LAUGHS)
63
00:02:25,133 --> 00:02:27,601
Fine. We ready?
I'm too fat.
64
00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:29,033
You're so not fat.
65
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,667
You see, if you'd given me
a little notice,
66
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,200
I would have gone to the gym
and got my bangs trimmed.
67
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,434
What did I just explain?
68
00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:35,868
It's very easy
for you to say.
69
00:02:35,934 --> 00:02:37,501
You got a haircut
on Tuesday. You look great.
70
00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,701
Oh, God!
Relax. You look so good.
71
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:40,934
Don't worry.
72
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,000
All right, here...
Leave--Leave the socks.
73
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,367
For what?
74
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,267
For the film.
It's our little splash of color.
75
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:56,167
There.
76
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:58,033
There what?
77
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,901
It's like-- it's like the girl
in the little red coat in Schindler's List.
78
00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:03,734
Like that.
Yeah.
79
00:03:03,801 --> 00:03:05,934
You know, it's funny.
It's exactly like that. It is.
80
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,300
I don't need
the whole world knowing we're slobs.
81
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:09,400
But we are slobs.
82
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,634
No. You're a slob,
I just got tired.
83
00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:15,300
Yeah, but it's real.
84
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,934
All right, fine. You know,
it's not like your mother's gonna watch this,
85
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,300
see the socks on the bed,
and be here every day straightening up.
86
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,033
All right.
87
00:03:23,968 --> 00:03:25,067
Just joking.
88
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:28,434
You know what, Murray?
I'm all fetched out.
89
00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:30,567
All right. Go on.
Go get it.
90
00:03:30,634 --> 00:03:31,634
Go get it.
91
00:03:31,701 --> 00:03:33,300
Why do you
teach him things?
92
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:35,901
He's a dog.
It's the kind of thing they enjoy.
93
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:37,701
You ready?
We have to wait for Fran.
94
00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:38,801
For what?
95
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:40,601
She's bringing over
her Mulwah.
96
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,467
I beg your pardon?
97
00:03:42,534 --> 00:03:44,534
Her Mulwah,
it's an original.
98
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:46,200
Fran has
an original Mulwah?
99
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,267
Mmm-hmm.
100
00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:49,200
Philip Mulwah,
the Dadaist.
101
00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:51,367
So it's a Mulwah Dada.
102
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:55,000
Yes, it is.
Used to be at MoMA.
103
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,634
So it's a Mulwah Dada
from the MoMA.
104
00:03:59,701 --> 00:04:00,801
That's exactly right.
105
00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:03,200
Okay. See, I don't know
what we're saying.
106
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:05,634
Fran is bringing over
a painting to class up the joint.
107
00:04:05,701 --> 00:04:07,667
Thank you.
Was that so difficult?
108
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:09,100
(PHONE RINGING)
109
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:11,534
Hello?
110
00:04:11,601 --> 00:04:13,701
Can I call you back?
111
00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:15,000
He did?
112
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,400
Why did you yell
"Chicken a la King" at my sister?
113
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,801
(LAUGHING) I didn't know
that was her.
114
00:04:20,868 --> 00:04:24,167
Why would you yell
Chicken a la King at anyone?
115
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:26,767
I was talking
with my foot. Is that...
116
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,033
Is that yours or me?
Okay, I'll call you back.
117
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,400
Hey.
Hello.
118
00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:32,834
Since when do we read
Scientific American?
119
00:04:32,901 --> 00:04:35,667
Yes. Mr. Walcott,
actually, I'm looking at your file right now.
120
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,801
Never seen
Scientific American in this house, ever.
121
00:04:37,868 --> 00:04:39,601
Okay. You know what?
Look, I'm just gonna check with my staff
122
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,167
and put you on hold
for one minute.
123
00:04:41,234 --> 00:04:42,968
You want the world to know
the only thing we read
124
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,968
is TV Guide
and the Victoria's Secret catalog?
125
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:47,334
Yes, yes.
If it's honest, yes, I do.
126
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,267
Well, they just assured me
it's gonna be ready first thing Monday.
127
00:04:50,334 --> 00:04:52,334
Mmm-hmm. I'm devoting
the whole weekend to it.
128
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,000
Okay. Bye-bye.
129
00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:55,601
It's honest enough.
130
00:04:55,667 --> 00:04:58,701
Sweetie...
I went to Yale. It could happen.
131
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,000
All right, fine.
We read Scientific American.
132
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,133
We ready?
133
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,701
Not especially.
134
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,501
(MURRAY WHINING)
Murray, what did I say? We're busy...
135
00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:07,934
Aw, all right.
Ready? Come on.
136
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,067
Go long.
137
00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:11,434
Yes!
138
00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,868
He's gonna be
looking for that thing till Labor Day.
139
00:05:13,934 --> 00:05:15,334
Hey, where's--
where's my thing?
140
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,434
What thing?
141
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:17,767
The remote
for all the cameras.
142
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:19,067
The thing with
the little thing. This thing?
143
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:20,601
There you go.
144
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:22,033
All right. Come on.
145
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:23,601
Let us make a movie.
146
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:24,968
(CLEARS THROAT)
147
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,133
You ready?
148
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,000
Okay. Uh, what do you
want me to do?
149
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,868
Nothin'.
The only rule, be yourself.
150
00:05:32,934 --> 00:05:34,300
Be yourself
for 15 minutes.
151
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,534
Then I'm ready.
152
00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:37,534
You sure?
Yes.
153
00:05:37,601 --> 00:05:38,534
Okay.
154
00:05:39,334 --> 00:05:40,534
And...
No.
155
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:41,734
No.
156
00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:43,434
Okay.
Really?
157
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:45,133
Let's do it.
Yes. Okay. Fifteen minutes.
158
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,701
Okay.
All right.
159
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:50,234
And action!
160
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,467
So...
161
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:02,534
So...
162
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,367
It's a nice day.
Isn't it?
163
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:06,767
Yes.
164
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:07,934
Not raining.
165
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,234
No.
166
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,467
They said it might.
167
00:06:11,534 --> 00:06:13,067
Rain?
Yes.
168
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,434
It didn't.
169
00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:15,501
No.
170
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:16,534
Cut!
Oh, my God.
171
00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:20,734
This is not...
172
00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:22,200
Maybe--Maybe talking is
the wrong way to go here.
173
00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:23,801
What do you mean?
174
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:25,767
Because film is visual.
It's-- It's a visual medium.
175
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,434
Supposed to be visual?
Exactly.
176
00:06:27,501 --> 00:06:28,801
What does that mean?
Dancing?
177
00:06:28,868 --> 00:06:31,300
No, just doing, doing.
Doing whatever we do.
178
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,267
Uh-huh. What do we do?
179
00:06:33,334 --> 00:06:34,267
We do stuff.
180
00:06:35,601 --> 00:06:36,734
I could work.
181
00:06:36,801 --> 00:06:38,934
See? That's honest.
Good. Yes.
182
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,167
What are you
gonna do?
183
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,667
I'll do what I do.
All right.
184
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:47,601
All right?
Okay, here we go.
185
00:06:47,667 --> 00:06:49,801
And action.
186
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,434
Sweetie?
Hmm?
187
00:07:35,501 --> 00:07:38,000
This is already
the most boring movie ever made.
188
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,267
I'm sorry!
189
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,501
Cut!
190
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:42,334
Well, maybe we're just
not interesting enough.
191
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,067
We're very interesting.
192
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:45,667
We're plenty interesting.
Otherwise, why would they have picked us?
193
00:07:45,734 --> 00:07:47,300
All right, who else?
What?
194
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,334
Who else did they pick?
Oh.
195
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,200
Ken Burns,
Seymour Looch.
196
00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:53,634
Andre Duquette is
doing one of these.
197
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:55,968
The Yee Brothers.
198
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:57,934
The Yee Brothers?
199
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,434
The Yee brothers.
I'm tellin' you, this thing is like the dream team.
200
00:07:59,501 --> 00:08:01,567
So what do
their wives do?
201
00:08:01,634 --> 00:08:03,367
Who, the Yee Brothers?
Yeah.
202
00:08:03,434 --> 00:08:05,100
The Yee Brothers
are gay.
203
00:08:05,167 --> 00:08:07,033
Both of them?
204
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,334
Can you keep a secret?
205
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,534
They're not
so much brothers.
206
00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:13,033
Okay, see, already,
they're more interesting.
207
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,934
So them,
Andre Duquette...
208
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,467
Now, where do you get that
Andre Duquette is already more interesting than you?
209
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:19,000
He's French.
French-Canadian.
210
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,033
Oh.
211
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:22,734
Is he married?
Yes.
212
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,200
Is his wife
more interesting?
213
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:26,634
Will you stop that?
Well, what does she do?
214
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:29,100
Andre... Actually,
his wife's a junkie.
215
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:30,667
Hello!
216
00:08:30,734 --> 00:08:31,834
They met in prison.
217
00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:33,767
How do you expect me
to compete with that?
218
00:08:33,834 --> 00:08:36,067
I don't expect you
to compete. I just want you to be yourself.
219
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:39,334
But they're all so gay
or foreign or gritty.
220
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,968
Well, let's do it.
221
00:08:41,033 --> 00:08:42,701
Here?
Yes. Let's do it right here.
222
00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,133
Are we in here?
Mmm-hmm.
223
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,534
Then that's where
we're gonna do it. This is good.
224
00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:48,601
It's like two people
in our kitchen, only it's us.
225
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,534
We're all set. Ready?
226
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,901
(CLEARS THROAT)
And... Rolling. Sorry.
227
00:08:57,968 --> 00:08:59,067
All right.
228
00:09:01,501 --> 00:09:02,634
Action.
229
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:07,300
So...
230
00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:09,200
So...
231
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,634
I need a cigarette.
232
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:16,334
What?
233
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,067
I need a cigarette.
234
00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:21,100
I thought, uh...
235
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:22,834
I was under the impression
that you stopped smoking.
236
00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:25,567
Yeah, well,
there's a lot about me you don't know.
237
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:27,734
Okay, I see.
238
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,601
(CHUCKLES)
239
00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,467
You know what this smoke
reminds me of?
240
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:37,801
What's that?
241
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,634
This biker bar
where I used to hang out.
242
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:48,300
The one you hung out at?
Yeah.
243
00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:49,467
The biker bar?
Mmm-hmm.
244
00:09:49,534 --> 00:09:50,734
Mmm-hmm.
245
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:53,000
What was that called?
246
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,634
Bikes and Things.
247
00:09:56,133 --> 00:09:57,267
It sounds tough.
248
00:09:57,334 --> 00:09:58,501
You have no idea.
249
00:09:58,567 --> 00:09:59,767
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
250
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,033
I got it. I got it.
251
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:05,200
Who is it?
252
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:06,267
Ira!
253
00:10:07,234 --> 00:10:08,767
Ira, my cousin?
254
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,701
No, no. Gershwin!
255
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:13,000
Will you open up?
256
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,601
Hey.
Hey.
257
00:10:15,667 --> 00:10:17,133
What's with the suit?
258
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,367
I don't know.
I was just on my way down to Buchman's Sporting Goods
259
00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:21,200
at 18th and Broadway.
260
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:28,634
So?
261
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:30,501
So, you know,
we've been so busy with all our reasonable prices,
262
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,667
unparalleled service...
263
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,801
You are so caught up
in all that.
264
00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:40,267
In what?
265
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:46,534
Business, competition,
the whole thing,
266
00:10:46,601 --> 00:10:47,634
just like everybody else
in this city.
267
00:10:47,701 --> 00:10:48,801
I mean, look at them
down there,
268
00:10:48,868 --> 00:10:51,100
rushing around,
and for what?
269
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:54,467
Scurry along, little ants!
Back to your holes!
270
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:56,968
Well...
271
00:10:57,033 --> 00:11:00,734
Maybe they're rushing to
Buchman's Sporting Goods.
272
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:03,133
Because they know that
we will not be undersold.
273
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,067
All right. Cut. Cut.
274
00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:06,434
We're not
doing a commercial.
275
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,968
And, you, we're not
doing Barfly.
276
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,601
Oh, well...
277
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:13,634
Fine. Would you look
at your dog, please?
278
00:11:13,701 --> 00:11:14,934
Oh, Murray,
what're you doing?
279
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,734
Murray,
that's my toothbrush! So?
280
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,534
So I'm not
as gritty as you.
281
00:11:18,601 --> 00:11:19,901
That's disgusting.
282
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,868
Do me a favor?
Get out of here.
283
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,033
Why?
284
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,434
Just go. We're trying
to be real.
285
00:11:26,501 --> 00:11:27,667
What? I'm real.
286
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:28,968
Ah, not really.
Just go.
287
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,300
Seriously, get out of here.
288
00:11:30,367 --> 00:11:32,334
Come on, I got a suit
made for this.
289
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,567
(SIGHS)
290
00:11:33,634 --> 00:11:35,734
All right, sit there,
wear your suit.
291
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:38,234
Excuse me, Courtney Love
over there.
292
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:40,868
Button up, please.
293
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:44,267
You know what?
Just excuse me for having a dark side.
294
00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:46,367
Sit on the couch.
Sit on the couch. No dark side, all right?
295
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:47,367
No dark side.
296
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:50,100
Dress regular, all right?
297
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,334
No, we're not doing
dark side. We're not doing "Come on down."
298
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,767
We're just... We're people,
regular people. We're in a regular house.
299
00:11:54,834 --> 00:11:56,200
We're sitting on
a regular couch, all right?
300
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:57,734
All right.
You got it.
301
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,100
All right.
302
00:11:59,801 --> 00:12:00,834
Here we go.
303
00:12:00,901 --> 00:12:01,934
And...
304
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,300
(CLEARS THROAT)
305
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:05,567
All right. And action.
306
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:06,968
(DOORBELL RINGS)
307
00:12:07,033 --> 00:12:08,033
Oh, good.
308
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,300
FRAN: James!
309
00:12:10,234 --> 00:12:11,767
Hi.
310
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,734
Look, honey, it's Fran,
my best friend and business partner.
311
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,501
I see.
312
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:17,200
I brought the Mulwah.
PAUL: Great.
313
00:12:17,267 --> 00:12:19,400
It's gonna be perfect
for the... Charity drive?
314
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,434
No. For the...
Garage sale?
315
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:23,367
What are you
talking about?
316
00:12:25,367 --> 00:12:26,334
Oh.
317
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:29,801
Is it on?
Uh-huh.
318
00:12:29,868 --> 00:12:31,501
(GIGGLES)
319
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:35,000
Okay. Okay, so, Fran,
what's-- what's new?
320
00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:36,534
(GIGGLES)
321
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:38,868
Okay.
322
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:40,434
Hey, you know, Fran,
you know what I was thinking?
323
00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:42,400
Something like this
must be very hard for you,
324
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:44,434
being a single mother
in New York in the '90s.
325
00:12:44,501 --> 00:12:46,234
I mean, what is--
what is that like?
326
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,801
Cut, cut, cut it, cut it.
What? What? What?
327
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,801
Because she looks
like an idiot.
328
00:12:49,868 --> 00:12:51,367
No, she doesn't.
329
00:12:51,434 --> 00:12:53,100
Fran, it's okay.
It's off now.
330
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:55,200
Oh. How was I?
You were brilliant.
331
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:56,467
Oh, good.
332
00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:59,067
Did I ever tell you
about the time when I was five
333
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:01,367
and my father's cousin
got us on Wonderama,
334
00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:03,767
and they picked me
to tell a joke to Sonny Fox?
335
00:13:03,834 --> 00:13:06,701
And nobody laughed,
so I threw up all over my brother.
336
00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:08,701
And ever since then...
I was good?
337
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,267
You were so good.
338
00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:11,367
Ira.
What?
339
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:12,734
Take her out, celebrate
how good she was.
340
00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:13,901
You payin'?
Yes, I'm payin'.
341
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:16,334
Let's go.
I was good.
342
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,334
Yes, you were.
343
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,934
Okay. Can we just do this,
please?
344
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,701
Hold on.
What are you doing?
345
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:22,767
How about her?
346
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:24,000
For what?
For me.
347
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:25,200
What're you talking about?
348
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,467
I'm hiring someone
to play your wife.
349
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:29,334
For the documentary?
Mmm-hmm.
350
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,033
For that very honest look
at our lives.
351
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,434
Ooh!
352
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:35,234
She did Our Town
and three Breck commercials.
353
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:36,501
Sweetie...
Look at her.
354
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:39,434
She could kick the crap
out of the Yee Brothers.
355
00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:41,367
Listen to me.
I just want this to be right for you.
356
00:13:41,434 --> 00:13:43,634
It'll be right.
We just have to be ourselves.
357
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,067
How about her?
How about you?
358
00:13:45,133 --> 00:13:46,901
I'm not available.
Yes, you are.
359
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:48,234
Look, you keep talking
about honesty.
360
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,334
Let's be honest.
361
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,033
For the next
15 minutes,
362
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,434
wouldn't you rather
be married to Uma Thurman or some hop head...
363
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:55,834
First of all,
I would never be married to anybody named Uma.
364
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,200
Oh, you know...
Seriously.
365
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:58,667
...I think you might
get used to it.
366
00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:00,567
No, I couldn't.
You know why?
367
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:01,434
'cause every morning
at breakfast, you got to yell out,
368
00:14:01,501 --> 00:14:02,701
"Uma, the toast is ready!"
369
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,067
"Uma, eggs!"
370
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:06,400
Who wants to say, "Uma, eggs,"
every day of their life?
371
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:08,501
Listen...
I just wish you'd given me some notice.
372
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:10,267
There was no notice
to give.
373
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:12,300
My hair is poofy.
374
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:13,968
Yeah, but you know what?
It's a good poofy. It's a good poofy.
375
00:14:14,033 --> 00:14:15,868
The Yee Brothers
will be envious. They don't have poofy hair.
376
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,634
Come on, how many--
how many times...
377
00:14:17,701 --> 00:14:20,067
I'll bet you the Yee Brothers
are done already. They're finished.
378
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:21,734
All right.
All right, fine.
379
00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:22,834
Let's just do it.
Let's do it.
380
00:14:22,901 --> 00:14:24,367
Yeah, 15 minutes
straight through.
381
00:14:24,434 --> 00:14:25,868
Straight through.
Yeah.
382
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,434
No matter what happens.
No matter what happens.
383
00:14:27,501 --> 00:14:29,033
All right.
384
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:31,033
(CLEARS THROAT)
Here we go.
385
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:34,868
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
386
00:14:37,701 --> 00:14:38,767
No matter what happens.
387
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,367
No matter what happens.
388
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:41,467
All right.
389
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:43,067
And action.
390
00:14:46,634 --> 00:14:48,801
I'm going to
make some coffee. Okay.
391
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:49,868
I will, uh...
392
00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:52,234
I'll help you.
393
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,734
I'll, uh... I'll fill up
the pot.
394
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:57,601
I will get the coffee.
All right.
395
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,067
Did you buy filters?
396
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:04,100
Uh, oh.
Didn't you?
397
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,167
No. Didn't you?
398
00:15:05,234 --> 00:15:08,100
Um, no.
399
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,200
All right.
400
00:15:30,534 --> 00:15:31,801
Honey.
Yeah, baby.
401
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,501
Cut.
402
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,834
Cut some cake to go
with the coffee.
403
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:37,934
Sure.
404
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:39,801
Honey...
405
00:15:39,868 --> 00:15:41,667
No matter
what happens.
406
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:47,567
I can't believe
you didn't get my little joke.
407
00:15:47,634 --> 00:15:48,868
What?
408
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:50,534
Like I'm really gonna
take a coffee filter
409
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:52,000
out of the trash
and use it again?
410
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,968
It's a little joke.
Get it?
411
00:15:54,033 --> 00:15:55,934
So, we're not
having coffee. Okay? All right.
412
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,767
Look, honey,
it's Murray, our dog.
413
00:15:57,834 --> 00:15:59,100
What's he got this time?
414
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,400
(LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Murray.
415
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:03,167
How many times do I tell you,
don't go into Mommy's drawers.
416
00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:05,367
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. No.
417
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:06,534
Those aren't mine.
418
00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:08,300
Yes. Sure they are.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
419
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:12,701
All right, cut.
Some cake to go with your underwear?
420
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,534
Okay.
421
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:18,968
Good boy, Murray.
That's funny what you did.
422
00:16:19,033 --> 00:16:20,167
Okay, go.
423
00:16:20,234 --> 00:16:23,000
Get it. Go! Good boy.
424
00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:25,100
Thank you very much
for calling me back.
425
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:26,868
I mean, it's not like
I'm in crisis or anything.
426
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:29,067
And my shrink went skiing
and wouldn't give me the number.
427
00:16:29,133 --> 00:16:30,834
Anyway, there's
that tape I borrowed. Lisa?
428
00:16:30,901 --> 00:16:33,767
Hey, remember that meat packer
Daddy told me to stay away from?
429
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,467
So I make a date with him
last night, right,
430
00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:37,300
since Dennis' wife
is back in town
431
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,634
and what am I supposed to do?
432
00:16:38,701 --> 00:16:40,601
Sit at home alone
playing Hello Kitty?
433
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,367
Oh, God!
434
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,434
What am I doing
with him in the first place?
435
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:46,400
I mean, it's not like
he's so great or anything.
436
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:48,133
I mean, how many times
can you fake it?
437
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,200
"Oh, Dennis.
438
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:51,100
"Oh, Dennis.
439
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,167
"Oh, yeah, Dennis.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
440
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:55,267
"Right there, baby, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
441
00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:57,601
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You're the king.
442
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:58,934
"Here I go. Wow."
443
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,300
(SCREAMING)
444
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,200
I mean,
give me a break. Lisa, Lisa...
445
00:17:04,267 --> 00:17:06,067
And--And meanwhile,
he's so loud,
446
00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:07,601
my neighbors
keep threatening
447
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:10,100
to tell the landlord
I'm an illegal sublet.
448
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,534
Lisa...
Wait, wait, wait.
449
00:17:11,601 --> 00:17:12,901
So the doorbell rings.
450
00:17:12,968 --> 00:17:15,767
I'm thinking
it's meat packer, and it's Dennis,
451
00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:18,200
threatening to
blow up the mayor again
452
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:19,868
if I go out
with anyone else.
453
00:17:19,934 --> 00:17:22,300
So I say,
"Do it, do it.
454
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:24,300
"I'll help you,
if it'll get you off my back!"
455
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:41,067
Then he starts crying,
456
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:43,100
and I give him
some leftover Percodan
457
00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:47,100
I still have from when
Mom got her facelift.
458
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:50,000
Next thing I know,
meat packer comes in,
459
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:51,667
sees this,
cops an attitude.
460
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,133
So I tell him,
"It's my brother." He says, "Cool."
461
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,601
We go out for cannolis,
and actually, he turns out to be a pretty hot guy,
462
00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:59,801
even if he does have
ties to the mob.
463
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:01,701
I'm meeting him
for brunch.
464
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,400
Wish me luck.
465
00:18:09,634 --> 00:18:11,534
Look, honey,
Roman Holiday.
466
00:18:11,601 --> 00:18:13,667
You lent that to her?
So?
467
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:15,634
I've been looking
for this tape for three years.
468
00:18:15,701 --> 00:18:17,467
She brought it back.
469
00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:20,234
You know, when we bought this?
After we were talking about going to Europe.
470
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,601
Why didn't we
ever do that?
471
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:25,734
Europe? 'Cause it's
all the way over there in Europe.
472
00:18:25,801 --> 00:18:27,133
Honey.
What?
473
00:18:27,968 --> 00:18:29,234
What is this?
474
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:31,367
What? Oh.
That's, uh, nothing.
475
00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:34,434
That's just, uh...
Just some work stuff for whatever.
476
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:36,667
You want some coffee?
Looks like a receipt.
477
00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:38,801
Huh? Something,
whatever, anyway...
478
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,067
Yeah, for film equipment.
479
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:43,801
I--I'm going to try
that--that mochaccino.
480
00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:46,100
You told me you just
found out about this film today?
481
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,400
Yeah, so?
482
00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:50,267
So why is the date
on that receipt from two weeks ago?
483
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:52,000
Oh, you know,
they do that sometimes.
484
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,300
Yeah, they do that
when you rent it two weeks ago.
485
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,400
Yeah, oh, you know what?
I forgot, we don't have filters.
486
00:18:56,467 --> 00:18:57,868
I'll just...
I'll run down and I'll get...
487
00:18:57,934 --> 00:18:59,767
When did you find out
about this film? What?
488
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:02,701
When did you find out
about this film?
489
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,033
What difference
does that make?
490
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,667
Ira had a suit made
for this thing, didn't he?
491
00:19:07,734 --> 00:19:09,701
He's little.
How long could that take?
492
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,801
You've been teaching
Murray tricks.
493
00:19:14,868 --> 00:19:17,834
No. Well...
Okay, so you told Murray, and you told Ira.
494
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:19,567
Maybe Murray told Ira.
You don't know.
495
00:19:19,634 --> 00:19:21,467
I can't believe
you lied to me like that.
496
00:19:21,534 --> 00:19:23,133
You know what, sweetie?
Let's talk about this later.
497
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,434
What, did you think
I didn't want to do it? No, honey, later. Seriously.
498
00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:29,467
No. You keep talking
about honesty. Let's be honest.
499
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,501
Okay. All right.
I'm just saying I would honestly
500
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:35,501
like to talk
about this later.
501
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:39,300
(CHUCKLES) Okay, fine.
What, seriously.
502
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:40,300
(CLEARING THROAT)
503
00:19:42,801 --> 00:19:44,667
What--What are
you doing now?
504
00:19:44,734 --> 00:19:46,868
Opening our mail.
505
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,934
What did we get?
I didn't see it today.
506
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,634
Ahem.
Anything good?
507
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,567
Nothing for me?
508
00:19:54,634 --> 00:19:56,734
Hey, did we win
a million dollars?
509
00:19:57,534 --> 00:19:59,601
No such luck, huh?
510
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:01,033
Okay, all right.
Here's the truth.
511
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,601
I--I didn't tell you
because I knew-- I knew that you would get
512
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:05,100
all crazy
and over prepared.
513
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:06,400
And then it
wouldn't be real.
514
00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:07,734
I wanted it...
I want this to be honest.
515
00:20:07,801 --> 00:20:09,167
Hmm, so you lied.
516
00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:10,901
I may-- I may have
misrepresented myself.
517
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:12,634
You are unbelievable!
518
00:20:12,701 --> 00:20:15,467
Oh, and what are you,
you're like Agnes from Truthville?
519
00:20:15,534 --> 00:20:17,367
What?
I made it up. You get the gist.
520
00:20:17,434 --> 00:20:19,033
Yes, compared to you,
I am.
521
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,334
Okay,
how about this?
522
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,701
That's completely
different. How?
523
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:23,400
Because it is.
Because it is. How? How?
524
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:25,033
Because it...
I rest my case!
525
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:27,667
All right, fine.
526
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,434
You want honesty?
527
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:36,300
Yes?
Excuse me.
528
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:38,267
There.
You see these? Yes.
529
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:39,400
They're yours.
Oh.
530
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:41,601
You happy now?
531
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,400
Like I'm so impressed.
532
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:46,133
Excuse me.
W-W-Wait one second.
533
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,300
All right.
You see these? Yes.
534
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,167
They're mine.
535
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:52,667
I bought them,
I wear them.
536
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,868
And they make me feel
very special.
537
00:20:54,934 --> 00:20:57,000
Okay? There you go.
Oh, big deal.
538
00:20:57,067 --> 00:21:00,334
Do you want to see
Fran's Mulwah? No. No, I certainly do not.
539
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:05,367
Okay, okay, now,
come here, come here.
540
00:21:05,434 --> 00:21:08,234
Let's be honest.
Let's be really honest about the whole thing.
541
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,167
Okay, there we go.
542
00:21:10,234 --> 00:21:13,033
All right. Hey, ma,you see these?
543
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:14,601
This is how we live.
544
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:17,634
Excuse me. I don't read
Scientific American.
545
00:21:17,701 --> 00:21:20,901
Okay, these are cappedright here.
546
00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:23,634
My middle name is Eunice.
547
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:26,667
Excuse me.I tape Baywatch. Okay?
548
00:21:29,133 --> 00:21:31,434
I have a tattoo.
549
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:34,067
I once-- I once fell asleepi-i-in the middle of sex.
550
00:21:34,133 --> 00:21:35,901
Okay, that's actually true.He did.
551
00:21:35,968 --> 00:21:37,834
No, no, no.Say somethingabout yourself.
552
00:21:37,901 --> 00:21:39,501
It doesn't make melook very good either.
553
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:40,968
All right. That's true.Okay.
554
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:44,934
I directed
Hooter Vacation under a pseudonym.
555
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,767
Mr. Walcott,you know how I said
556
00:21:46,834 --> 00:21:47,801
I was workingon your proposalthis weekend?
557
00:21:47,868 --> 00:21:49,634
I don't think so.
558
00:21:51,434 --> 00:21:53,634
I... I thoughtyour middle name is Karen.
559
00:21:53,701 --> 00:21:55,934
I lied.
Hooter Vacation?
560
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,734
It was years ago.All right, now you know.It was years ago.
561
00:21:58,801 --> 00:22:00,100
You know what?I feel better.
562
00:22:00,167 --> 00:22:01,868
Yes. Me, too.And why?
563
00:22:01,934 --> 00:22:04,567
Honesty.Honesty. Yes. That'sthe only way to do this.
564
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,467
Let's clean this up.I'm gonna get some flowers.
565
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:11,300
BOTH: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
566
00:22:17,133 --> 00:22:19,200
So.
So.
567
00:22:19,267 --> 00:22:21,200
Lisa called.
568
00:22:21,267 --> 00:22:22,968
Your sister.
569
00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:24,801
My older sister,
Lisa. Yeah.
570
00:22:27,133 --> 00:22:28,701
From Connecticut.
571
00:22:29,868 --> 00:22:32,367
Where you grew up.
572
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:34,033
The Nutmeg State.
573
00:22:36,367 --> 00:22:37,367
All right, cut.
It is!
574
00:22:37,434 --> 00:22:38,300
Nah, nah.
575
00:22:38,350 --> 00:22:42,900
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