Original subtitles

Louie - Season 04 - Episode 11 - In The Woods Part 1

Jesus!

Dick!

Why did you wanna come here?

The chicks.

These girls are about 15 years old.

How old are we?

People are smoking pot in public now.

I kind of liked it when it was illegal.

Some of these kids are Lilly's age.

How old's Lilly?

Look at this kid ... 12 years old.

My daughter's 12 years old.

Hey, man.

Daddy!

Get over here!

Old jagoff.

We're non doing anything!

Daddy, stop it, you're embarrassing me!

Daddy, stop!

Dad, stop it!

Dad, stop, let go of me!

You're embarrassing me.

I wasn't doing anything!

Stop it!

Dad ... Oh, my God, Dad, stop.

Daddy!

Daddy, stop it, I wasn't doing anything.

Daddy.

Daddy!

Daddy, listen to me, okay?

Dad, stop it.

Sit down, sit!

Sit!

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

I didn't do anything ... I saw you!

I saw you!

You're 12 years old!

Oh, my God.

The onions and no tomatoes?

Lilly. What?

Don't ... You don't do that.

You don't do that right now.

You're in a lot of trouble.

Your mom, ugh...

She's gonna kill you.

I don't care.

What happened to you? Nothing!

You know, you think you can ...

You think you can handle this.

You think this is fun?

You can't handle this, Lilly.

What do you know about it?

You excited to go to school today?

You excited to go to work?

You know what, I am excited.

You should always be excited when you're given another day.

You know, another day is another chance at...

something, I don't know.

You never know what can happen.

Okay.

But I hate this school.

Ah...

It's your last year.

Next year, you'll be in...

high school.

Have a good one.

Bye, Mom.

Thanks for the ride.

Thanks for thanking me.

Bye.

Thus concludes our unit on minerals.

Which you all pretty much tanked.

But...

onward.

Okay, who can tell me

what this is?

Anyone.

Does anyone know what this is?

Nobody knows what this is?

That's too bad.

I don't know either, I was hoping you could help.

Okay, we got six months left together.

Now, I could move from mineral to rocks,

which, I mean, who cares?

I want to teach you based on what makes you curious.

Okay?

So we're gonna do a new unit of work

every week based on you,

and what interests you.

So what in the realm of science interests you?

Who's got a question about science?

Anyone ... Albert?

Is it true that you can light a fart on fire?

Excellent question.

Excellent question!

Can you light a fart on fire?

Can you...

light...

a fart...

on fire!

Fire!

Can you light a fart on fire?

So, how do we answer this question?

Let's look in the great book of scientific knowledge.

Fart...

Fart...

You ever seen fart in the book?

Fart... Gotta be in here.

Formaldehyde, fallout,

farming technology...

Nope, no farts in the book.

So let's do an experiment.

Albert, would you like to be our farter?

Uh, I don't have a fart right now.

No?

Okay, who has a fart?

Who has a fart in them?

Who feels like they could fart right now

in the interest of science?

Anyone?

I'm really just asking the boys here.

I don't expect ... I don't wanna see a girl fart.

Louie, come on up.

Okay.

Louie is gonna provide the fuel.

I will provide...

...initial combustion.

Don't worry, Louie, you're safe.

Okay, Louie, bend over the desk.

This may be my last day here.

Okay, Louie.

Ready? Mm-hmm.

One, two,

three, fart!

I thought you said you had one.

I do, I just...

You got performance anxiety?

I think, I ... Okay, okay, look,

okay, just relax.

Just take a deep breath.

Take it easy.

All right, come on, Lou.

Do it for science.

Galileo, Einstein,

Louie.

Whoa! Ah.

Whoa!

Nice fart.

And so, methane gas ... methane gas,

which is combustible,

has been generated organically

inside of young Louie.

So, this week we will explore organic fuel sources.

Tomorrow we're gonna blow up a sweet potato!

That's what I'm talking about.

Good job, Louie. Thanks.

Louie, nice job. Thank you.

Thanks for helping out. It's okay.

Say, could you, uh, come in early tomorrow,

help me set up the potato thing?

Sure, yeah.

Great.

Dad?

Uh, yeah?

Can you give me a ride home?

You got it, sweet pea.

You lookin' at my daughter?

No, no! Don't look at my daughter.

Don't you ever in your life ...

Hey, take it easy, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding!

Please look at my daughter.

Hey, ask her out.

Why don't you take her to the dance?

Are you gonna go to the dance?

I ... I don't know.

Come on, Louie, please,

take my daughter to the dance.

I don't want one of these hormonal creatures

in this school taking her.

Huh, will you think about it?

Think about taking her.

I don't... I don't ...

Just think about it, just think about it.

That's a kid!

Thanks, Louie.

I'll see you tomorrow for potatoes.

Yes, sir, see you tomorrow.

We were playing basketball in Mike's driveway...

Mm-hmm. ... and I had to take a piss.

So I go upstairs,

and I'm walking by his parents bedroom.

So the door is wide open

and his mom is standing there with just a skirt on.

I saw her tits.

No you didn't.

What if I did?

You didn't see Mike's mom's tits.

Just... stop.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Are you going to the dance?

I don't know, man.

I hate those.

I mean, you stand there,

you have to wear, like, a shirt,

you ask girls to dance.

No one wants to dance.

Last year at the dance, some kid brought

a jug of vodka.

Vodka?

Uh, can I get my glasses?

What for?

Uh, I have a test after lunch.

These all yours right here?

Yeah, those.

You gotta give 'em back though.

Of course.

Hey, mush, you got a problem?

No.

You want one? What?

Hold on a sec.

I think I'm gonna kick your ass.

What do you think?

Is that a good idea?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, you don't?

Why not?

'Cause I wouldn't like it.

Oh, okay, well,

I'll give you some options.

I can hit you one time now, then in like two, three weeks I'll give you some options.

I can hit you one time now, then in like two, three weeks

I'll hit you again.

Like, you know, spread it out over time.

Or I can just kick the shit out of you right now.

What do you think?

First one sound good?

I ... I'll do the first one.

All right, why don't you put your tray down for a second?

All right, good job.

Uh, today's Wednesday,

I'll see you on the 21st.

Hey, Laurie.

Yeah?

Um, are you going to the dance?

Yeah, why?

Oh, I ... I just, uh, thought, you know,

if, uh ... if I go ...

I mean, if we go, just, you know...

If I go too, then... we'll both be there?

What?

Like, I'll see you there.

It'll be like you'll be there,

I'll be there with you being there.

Like, together, we'll both be there.

So I'll see you at the dance?

Yeah, if you're going.

Good.

Okay...

So, I, uh,

I asked Laurie Sevetta to the dance.

She said yes.

No she didn't.

Yeah, she did.

You're taking Laurie Sevetta to the dance?

Well, I'm meeting her there.

What?

Hello?

Hi, I'm in here.

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired.

Did you get a chance to get yourself some dinner?

Yeah, I made a hot dog.

That sounds good.

You want one?

No, I'm ... I'm fine, thanks.

What are you ...

Oh, my God, the dance is tonight.

Oh, Louie, I forgot. Mom, it's all right.

No, I was gonna take you shopping

for clothes for that.

Mom, it's fine.

I'll just wear a shirt, I don't care.

Okay.

Do you need anything?

You want $10 for after?

What after?

I don't know.

Don't you guys, like, go get

Chinese food after the dance?

Mm.

Here, let me give you $10.

It'll make me feel like less of a bad mom.

Okay, thanks.

It's a little ... it's a little weird.

I'm just trying it on. Oh...

Okay.

Your shirt looks stupid all striped.

'Cause I hate you 'cause you're short.

'Cause you're a little bitch, get out of here.

Hey, Mr. Miner, you look nice tonight.

Thank you, girls.

Come here.

What do you want?

Just come with me! What?!

Let's go! What are we doing?

Just wait.

All right, what are we doing?

Doing this.

Where did you get that?

I stole it from my brother.

Holy shit.

We're gonna smoke this right now.

We're gonna get high on pot.

I never did that before.

Me neither.

Let's go to the woods.

Whoa. Ooh!

Ah, cock!

You stepped on a cock?

Ow, Jesus.

Ah!

Okay.

Give me a light.

Uh, I don't have matches.

Oh, shit!

You didn't get matches?

I didn't ... Boo!

Scared the shit out of you two dipshits.

Let's go.

Wait, hold on.

Can you give us a light?

What for?

It's for this.

Where'd you get that?

It's mine.

You know I can just kick your ass right now

and take it from you, right?

Yeah, you could.

All right.

Okay, we're gonna share this, all right?

Have you ever done this?

Need papers!

You see, this is supposed to be a horse.

I don't see a horse there.

I need papers!

Who's got papers made of paper?

Shut up, you clown.

Stop it, you stupid asshole.

Whoo!

You're making me spill the pot.

Jesus Christ, hey, calm down, brat.

Hey, when are you gonna finish rolling that?

I don't have papers!

You guys are such dicks.

Stop it, you idiots!

What the hell are you doing on the floor?

Let's go, buddy!

I'm working on it! Don't have all day.

Come on!

Can I have another?

Yeah, just wait a minute.

Hey.

Hey. Hmm, what?

You okay?

You seem tired.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Ah.

Excuse us!

Excuse me.

You didn't see us standing here, young man?

What are we doing here?

Doing science.

Science, huh?

We got any weed?

No, I'm all out.

What about you, man? No, I'm out.

Well, let's go find Warren then.

Warren just ran out too.

Shit!

Who else then?

I don't know.

Warren's the only one who ever has any.

Well, what about your brother?

He joined the Marines.

Marines?

All right, well, where does Warren get it?

From Jeff Davis.

Jeff Davis?

Well, let's go ask him.

I don't know, mush, that guy's a drug dealer.

For real.

I know where he lives, we can go hit him up.

So you're just gonna walk up to Jeff Davis' house

and knock on his door?

Yeah. What is that?

Quarter stick of dynamite.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Holy shit! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What in the hell was that?

What in the hell was that?

What is going on in here?

Who ... Did you do that?

Did you, was it you?

What ... This flame, did you do that?

Was...

Danny.

What's up, Mr. Miner?

All right, you boys go to class.

Someone will take care of that?

Get to class, go.

God damn it.

What?

What is this?

What is this?

Um... I was wondering

if I could, uh, make a purchase.

You shitting me?

I'm ... I'm sorry.

What ... Who are you?

Kid, come here, come here.

Come over here.

Come over here, come on, get over here.

You know you got a lot of balls coming up here like that?

You know that?

You an asshole or what?

You an asshole?

Come on, get in here.

Down here.

Have a seat.

So, what's your name?

Louie.

Louie.

All right, Louie.

Here you are.

How much?

No, it's social.

So, how old are you?

Like... 13.

Like 13?

Thirteen.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Thirteen years, Jesus Christ.

I didn't smoke weed until I was 20.

Hey, look, I'm not lecturing you or anything.

I mean, you make your choices, right?

I don't know your life.

You know mine?

No, I...

I don't know yours... Yeah.

What your life is.

No, you don't.

You don't ... Piece of shit.

Piece of shit.

Can I have that lighter?

Let me see that, thank you.

You don't know mine.

Yeah, right?

You never know.

Look at all this shit, look at this.

All this, this is, uh,

this is nothing, this is no big deal, right?

This is like a plant that grows in the ground.

It's, uh...

Look, what if we, uh, took a mulberry bush

and put it in some papers?

Think people would give a shit?

No.

Maybe the mulberry bush would like it.

You're a pisser.

All right, how much you want?

Um...

I ... I don't know, just some pot.

All right, look,

a quarter ounce is ten bucks.

Do you want that?

You want that. Yeah.

Yeah, you want that. Good.

Come on, you piece of shit.

Piece of shit scale.

They have scales just like that at my school.

That right?

Yeah, in science class.

Just like that one.

Ah...

Whoop-dee.

Eh...

Ah, pff.

Here you are.

Mission accomplished ... Just set it there.

Thanks for the, uh...

Yeah. Mm.

All right, so, uh...

you, uh...

You s ... You, uh...

Can you get me one of those scales from your school?

Is that what we're saying?

I can try. Don't answer, don't answer.

Why don't you ...

You get me one of those scales, I'll give you two ounces for it.

I mean, I know a lot of guys that need these,

so I could turn 'em over.

So, uh...

As many as you can get?

Is that what we're saying?

Don't answer, just think about it, all right?

Just think about it.

You wanna do it, you just do it.

All right?

You don't want to do it, you go about

your fairy merry way, I don't care.

You understand?

Okay.

All right, you're a good kid.

Thanks.

Hey, look, don't bring anybody over here.

I don't like people.

And whatever you do, don't get caught.

Don't be stupid. Gotcha.

All right?

Thanks.

Thanks again.

Don't bring anybody over here.

Just you.

Yeah, well, my homeroom teacher

she's got the biggest tits.

We talked about this yesterday, you dumbass.

Guys!

You know Hallie ... Guys!

I got weed!

All right! Oh, yeah!

Check it out.

Oh-ho. Oh, we are gonna smoke this.

Yeah!

Okay.

Whoa!

And...

Awesome. Cool.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What did we learn? What did we learn?

That you're crazy?

Okay, that's not bad.

Good observation.

Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

Wow.

Oh, what a mess.

That was fun, huh?

Yeah.

It's really fun.

Hey, so how you feeling about, uh, high school coming up?

I don't know.

Not too excited about science?

There's gonna be a lot ... Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey, Danielle.

Danielle, uh, you know Louie?

Louie, Danielle, Danielle, Louie, huh?

Dad, stop.

Oh, sorry.

Hi.

Honey, I gotta clean this up before we can go.

But ballet starts at 3:00.

I can take care of it.

Yeah? Yeah, no problem.

Um... okay.

Well, just put everything back in the supply closet,

clean up the egg. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't mind?

No, not at all.

Okay, great, thanks.

Thanks. Yeah.

Hey! Mom.

Yeah, I got off early.

You wanna go out to lunch?

No.

Hey, I'm buying.

No thanks.

Hey, what is going on?

What?

What is going on?

Something is up with you.

Nothing!

Hey, hey!

Hey!

We're gonna have a talk!

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