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1
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It's very different
raising children in America.
2
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We get to make all
these weird decisions about
3
00:00:55,914 --> 00:00:58,303
what do we expose our kids
to when.
4
00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:01,140
Other countries,
they don't have a choice.
5
00:01:01,253 --> 00:01:04,677
Like, some parents at my kids'
school were talking about war
6
00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:06,112
and they're, like, "When do
we tell our kid--
7
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"Do we tell our children
that our country is at war
8
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"in Afghanistan
and these places?
9
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When do we introduce this i--"
10
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:15,424
Only in America,
we have this luxury,
11
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we get to decide when
they find out
12
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that there is--
13
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Kids in Afghanistan
don't have-- just--
14
00:01:22,705 --> 00:01:23,705
They find out.
15
00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:25,435
They find out.
16
00:01:25,548 --> 00:01:25,580
They find out when they ask,
17
00:01:26,916 --> 00:01:30,873
"How come Uncle Henry's head
is gone now?
18
00:01:30,986 --> 00:01:32,742
"How come that happened?
19
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Oh, 'cause of the war."
20
00:01:38,327 --> 00:01:39,582
Life can be stressful here,
though,
21
00:01:39,695 --> 00:01:42,117
'cause life is good
and so we want it to be better
22
00:01:42,230 --> 00:01:44,653
and we get-- we try to perfect
everything in our lives
23
00:01:44,766 --> 00:01:46,188
and it's like a job.
24
00:01:46,301 --> 00:01:49,258
Being a consumer is like a job.
25
00:01:49,371 --> 00:01:53,129
You have to make sure
you get the best one.
26
00:01:53,242 --> 00:01:56,799
If you get a Blu-ray player,
you gotta do research.
27
00:01:56,912 --> 00:02:01,771
You gotta look at
reviews of a player.
28
00:02:01,884 --> 00:02:06,276
You gotta go on Amazon and read
a really long review
29
00:02:06,389 --> 00:02:10,981
written by an insane person
30
00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:13,161
who's been dead for months...
31
00:02:16,766 --> 00:02:18,822
...because he shot
his wife
32
00:02:18,935 --> 00:02:21,525
and then himself
33
00:02:21,638 --> 00:02:25,295
after explaining to you
34
00:02:25,408 --> 00:02:27,809
that the remote is
counterintuitive.
35
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,636
"It's got really small buttons
on the remote,"
36
00:02:32,749 --> 00:02:34,205
he said...
37
00:02:34,318 --> 00:02:37,809
before he murder-suicided
his whole family.
38
00:02:37,922 --> 00:02:39,010
And now you're
reading it and going,
39
00:02:39,123 --> 00:02:41,647
"I don't know.
40
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,783
"I don't know which one to get,
I don't know.
41
00:02:44,896 --> 00:02:46,011
I gotta get the best one."
42
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:52,525
that you should get
the best one ever?
43
00:02:52,638 --> 00:02:54,494
"I'm-- Bring me
the best DV..."
44
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:55,907
Who cares?
45
00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,700
They're all the same,
these machines.
46
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,203
They're all made from
the same Asian suffering.
47
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,749
There's no difference.
48
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,002
That was a good set.
49
00:03:08,115 --> 00:03:09,115
I guess, I don't...
50
00:03:09,228 --> 00:03:10,444
...a round of applause...
51
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:11,312
Hey, Ross. Hey, how's
it going, guys?
52
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:12,713
Hey.
53
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,715
This is my agent, Doug.
Hey, how's it going?
54
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,283
Hey, Louie, great job.
55
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:17,785
Thank you.
It was great.
56
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:18,953
The order is terrific.
57
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:20,321
I mean, the closing bit,
58
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,756
Jay's gonna love
tomorrow night on the ow.
59
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,491
Oh, good.
It was just terrific.
60
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,626
I'm sorry-- Louie, great set, great set.
Hey, Bud, how are you?
61
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,328
Thank you very much, thank you.
62
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,230
Um, but the great thing
is, also, it timed in at
63
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,332
four minutes and 30 seconds,
which is the perfect
64
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,900
amount of--perfect amount of time.
Good.
65
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:33,801
I mean, with the audience
reaction and everything else,
66
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,736
it's just, for our studio,
67
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,298
it's gonna be the time that we're looking for.
That's great.
68
00:03:37,411 --> 00:03:38,411
Good, good, good.
So...
69
00:03:38,524 --> 00:03:40,207
Is Louie gonna
interview on panel?
70
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,142
Tomorrow night,
Tom Cruise is the other guest
71
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,678
and Tom loves to go long,
tells great stories
72
00:03:44,791 --> 00:03:46,947
and Jay's surprising him
tomorrow with a motorcycle.
73
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,114
I'm gonna get bumped, right?
74
00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:49,592
You're not gonna
get bumped, Louie.
75
00:03:49,705 --> 00:03:50,706
You're not going to get bumped.
76
00:03:50,819 --> 00:03:51,951
Sounds like I'm--
Nah.
77
00:03:52,064 --> 00:03:53,086
You know what, I'll--
I'll see you tomorrow night.
78
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,320
But thank you.
79
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:55,955
Thanks, guys,
I'll see you tomorrow.
80
00:03:56,068 --> 00:03:57,657
Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming.
Okay, okay.
81
00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:58,770
Okay, good.
Okay.
82
00:04:00,339 --> 00:04:01,695
I'm totally getting bumped.
Yeah.
83
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:02,923
I'm getting--
Sounds like--
84
00:04:03,036 --> 00:04:04,036
It's like they brought me
here to bump me,
85
00:04:04,149 --> 00:04:05,732
all the way...
86
00:04:05,845 --> 00:04:07,934
Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie.
How is it not that bad?
87
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:09,236
'Cause they advertise
your name,
88
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,305
you still get paid
and then they have you back on.
89
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,773
Just...
90
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,621
Okay, thank you, thanks, Doug.
91
00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,662
Amazing, this face work.
92
00:04:23,775 --> 00:04:24,776
Look at this.
93
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:26,988
Look at "before"...
94
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,122
and look at "after."
95
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,536
Boy, just, you know, I think...
96
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:34,294
You know the real trick here?
97
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:36,730
I think the real trick hereis, don't be pissed off.
98
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:38,844
You look better.
99
00:04:40,646 --> 00:04:42,068
- I'm here to mic you.
- Sure.
100
00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:44,203
Just turn around for me.
Oh, sorry.
101
00:04:44,316 --> 00:04:47,005
Some of that
delicious Velveeta juice.
102
00:04:47,118 --> 00:04:48,340
Yeah!
103
00:04:48,453 --> 00:04:50,209
Folks, we'll be right backwith Tom Cruise
104
00:04:50,322 --> 00:04:51,857
right after this.
105
00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:58,919
Okay, where's your jacket?
106
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,866
I don't have--
This is what I'm wearing.
107
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,101
You're all set then.
Okay.
108
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:09,729
Hey, what's going on?
109
00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:10,664
I got some really bad news.
110
00:05:10,777 --> 00:05:11,865
You're bumping me.
111
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,333
Shit, I knew this.
112
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,402
No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you.
You're not?
113
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,770
What's--
114
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,338
Ross, you tell him?
I haven't told him yet.
115
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,373
Louie, are you ready?
116
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,276
Tom Cruise
is not coming tonight.
117
00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:24,745
What do you mean, he's not coming?
So... No, he's not coming.
118
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,180
He hates surprises
119
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,048
and the whole motorcycle
thing, he just-- he just--
120
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,216
It doesn't matter
why he canceled,
121
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,685
he's not coming, okay?
122
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,119
He's not here, you are.
123
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,621
You're on lead guest, okay?
124
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:34,756
We need you to lead off
the show.
125
00:05:34,869 --> 00:05:36,190
Now?
Yes, now.
126
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,205
Okay.
I can do some questions for him.
127
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,296
You're a comic, you know how to talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
128
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,764
All right, here's your chance, all right.
All right.
129
00:05:42,877 --> 00:05:43,932
You ever flown on an airplane?
Yeah, sure.
130
00:05:44,045 --> 00:05:45,479
You got airplane stories?
I can do a--
131
00:05:46,748 --> 00:05:48,136
You all right, you good?
Yeah, I'm ready.
132
00:05:48,249 --> 00:05:49,531
All right, good,
see you out there.
133
00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:50,644
Okay, thanks.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
134
00:05:50,757 --> 00:05:51,840
You're on!
Okay, okay, okay.
135
00:05:51,953 --> 00:05:53,054
Right now? Okay, all right.
Yeah, now!
136
00:05:59,127 --> 00:06:00,849
Hey, everybody, welcome back.
137
00:06:00,962 --> 00:06:03,786
Now, folks, as I...
138
00:06:03,899 --> 00:06:06,589
as I told you, we had Tom Cruise
booked on the show tonight,
139
00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:08,102
but...
140
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:10,359
Well-- Yes, yes.
141
00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:13,863
Well... this is...
142
00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:15,331
this is live television
143
00:06:15,444 --> 00:06:17,967
and sometimes things
happen in live television,
144
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,382
and... Tom Cruise
is not here.
145
00:06:25,988 --> 00:06:27,710
All right, all right,
I don't know why.
146
00:06:27,823 --> 00:06:28,944
Okay, Louie, listen,
147
00:06:29,057 --> 00:06:30,846
you're going immediately
to your right, okay?
148
00:06:30,959 --> 00:06:32,024
And as soon
as you get to your right,
149
00:06:32,137 --> 00:06:33,138
Jay will greet you, got it?
150
00:06:33,251 --> 00:06:34,316
Okay.
Are you listening to me?
151
00:06:34,429 --> 00:06:35,851
. get here--
I don't know what it was.
152
00:06:35,964 --> 00:06:39,288
Anyway, we have to do a show
and I already did my jokes,
153
00:06:39,401 --> 00:06:40,989
so what I'm gonna do
is bring out the comic
154
00:06:41,102 --> 00:06:41,923
who was gonna close the show
tonight.
155
00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:43,591
We're gonna give him a shot,
156
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,260
he's gonna be my very first
guest tonight.
157
00:06:45,373 --> 00:06:46,594
He's a very funny man,
158
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:47,996
he'll be at
the Comedy Cellar in New York.
159
00:06:48,109 --> 00:06:49,597
Go out there and go get 'em.
160
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:50,865
Okay?
161
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:51,699
Louie C.K., Louie!
162
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,279
Don't swear!
163
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,351
Good to see you.
Hey, how are you?
164
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,839
Have a seat.Uh... thanks.
165
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:43,106
Hello?
166
00:07:43,219 --> 00:07:45,242
Sir, this is housekeeping.
167
00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:46,743
What?
168
00:07:46,856 --> 00:07:48,645
You have a "do not disturb"sign on your door.
169
00:07:48,758 --> 00:07:50,092
When do you want usto clean your room?
170
00:07:51,911 --> 00:07:53,866
I have a "do not disturb"
sign on the door,
171
00:07:53,979 --> 00:07:54,979
that's the answer.
172
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:56,778
Just don't do this to me.
173
00:07:56,891 --> 00:07:59,648
When do you want us to clean?
174
00:07:59,761 --> 00:08:03,218
What's the point of the sign
if you don't...
175
00:08:03,331 --> 00:08:04,653
What...
176
00:08:04,766 --> 00:08:07,890
This is the opposite
of what it says.
177
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:09,359
You understand that?
178
00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:10,693
When do you want us to clean?
179
00:08:10,806 --> 00:08:13,196
Just don't ever clean it
here ever again.
180
00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:14,142
I don't know.
181
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,216
Shit on a dick.
182
00:08:48,013 --> 00:08:49,847
Oh... shit.
183
00:08:51,916 --> 00:08:52,916
Bitch.
184
00:09:07,299 --> 00:09:08,299
Damn.
185
00:09:12,071 --> 00:09:13,071
What the hell?
186
00:09:23,450 --> 00:09:24,872
Hey, Doug.
187
00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:26,685
Louie, Jesus, I've been
trying to reach you.
188
00:09:28,121 --> 00:09:29,776
What-- what is this--
What's wrong?
189
00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:32,038
Did you see that
you went viral today?
190
00:09:32,151 --> 00:09:33,152
I'm what?
191
00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:34,948
Your set from last night, it...
192
00:09:35,061 --> 00:09:36,716
You got a million
hits already online.
193
00:09:36,829 --> 00:09:38,951
It was huge.
194
00:09:39,064 --> 00:09:41,487
Listen, you have a meeting
CBS in one hour.
195
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,322
I have-- What?
At a what?
196
00:09:43,435 --> 00:09:44,624
The who?
What?
197
00:09:44,737 --> 00:09:46,571
You have a meeting at
CBS in one hour.
198
00:09:48,207 --> 00:09:49,295
Doug, I didn't tell you
199
00:09:49,408 --> 00:09:51,190
to set any meetings
for me today.
200
00:09:51,303 --> 00:09:52,304
What the hell is this about?
201
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,100
I don't know, they called me.
202
00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:56,402
You have a meeting withthe chairman, president,
203
00:09:56,515 --> 00:09:58,404
whatever, of CBS in one hour.
204
00:09:58,517 --> 00:10:00,840
Please, get up,
get dressed and meet me there.
205
00:10:00,953 --> 00:10:02,208
They're sending a car for you.
206
00:10:02,321 --> 00:10:03,555
Okay, I got it.
207
00:10:08,528 --> 00:10:09,728
Shit.
208
00:10:15,335 --> 00:10:17,903
It's not even time to
jerk off, for Christ's sakes.
209
00:10:30,111 --> 00:10:32,667
Who are we here to see?
Do you have any idea?
210
00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:34,802
They didn't tell you the name of the guy?
I don't know, no.
211
00:10:34,915 --> 00:10:36,921
You didn't find out who we're--
No, I have no idea.
212
00:10:43,524 --> 00:10:45,859
Excuse me, can you please
tell us who we're here to see?
213
00:10:56,852 --> 00:10:58,641
Hello?
214
00:10:58,754 --> 00:11:00,642
Thank you, I'll tell him.
215
00:11:00,755 --> 00:11:02,122
You can go in now.
216
00:11:10,864 --> 00:11:13,220
Louie.
217
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,821
Come in.
218
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:16,423
Hi.
219
00:11:16,536 --> 00:11:18,103
Sit down, sit down.
220
00:11:23,643 --> 00:11:25,098
So...
221
00:11:25,211 --> 00:11:26,466
you know who I am?
222
00:11:26,579 --> 00:11:29,470
Yes, I-- yeah, I do.
223
00:11:29,583 --> 00:11:31,672
Oh, this is my agent, Doug.
It's an honor to meet--
224
00:11:31,785 --> 00:11:34,509
You're in from New York.
225
00:11:34,622 --> 00:11:36,311
Yeah.
226
00:11:36,424 --> 00:11:37,612
Have you been there?
227
00:11:37,725 --> 00:11:39,347
I'm from the Bronx.
228
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:41,582
Oh, yeah, the Bronx?
229
00:11:41,695 --> 00:11:44,118
I-- I-- I haven't spent--
I haven't spent much--
230
00:11:44,231 --> 00:11:45,620
Whatever.
231
00:11:45,733 --> 00:11:49,657
You were very funny last night
on "The Tonight Show."
232
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:52,826
Oh, thank you.
Very funny.
233
00:11:52,939 --> 00:11:55,462
Must have been under
a lot of pressure, too.
234
00:11:55,575 --> 00:11:58,331
Yeah, I didn't have much time
to think about it.
235
00:11:58,444 --> 00:12:01,635
What I'm about to tell you,
nobody knows,
236
00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:05,772
but it has the potential
to change your whole life.
237
00:12:05,885 --> 00:12:07,140
Okay.
238
00:12:07,253 --> 00:12:09,208
It's privileged information.
239
00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:11,289
Cannot leave this room.
240
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:16,760
Send Charlie in, uh, please.
241
00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:21,753
Carnegie Deli.
242
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,067
I used to go there when I was
starting out in New York.
243
00:12:26,603 --> 00:12:29,071
Is that the thing I'm not
supposed to tell anybody?
244
00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,729
No.
245
00:12:32,842 --> 00:12:35,244
This is Charlie
from our legal department.
246
00:12:42,185 --> 00:12:43,307
What is this?
247
00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:45,108
These are confidentiality
agreements.
248
00:12:45,221 --> 00:12:46,710
You're signing
a document that states
249
00:12:46,823 --> 00:12:49,180
if you repeat anything
that is told to you
250
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:52,550
by the chairman of the
Columbia Broadcasting System,
251
00:12:52,663 --> 00:12:56,788
you will be subject to penalties
and litigation.
252
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,823
Okay.
253
00:12:58,936 --> 00:13:00,258
I don't-- I don't know
if I want to sign this.
254
00:13:00,371 --> 00:13:01,572
Then leave the room!
255
00:13:10,750 --> 00:13:11,750
Thank you.
256
00:13:18,993 --> 00:13:20,226
I'm the chairman.
257
00:13:22,797 --> 00:13:24,919
There won't be somebody else
here next month.
258
00:13:25,032 --> 00:13:26,799
I'll be here.
Yes, sir.
259
00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:31,271
David Letterman is retiring.
260
00:13:32,873 --> 00:13:36,197
This is his last
year on "The Late Show."
261
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:39,667
David Letterman's been
at CBS for 20 years.
262
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:41,236
It's over.
263
00:13:41,349 --> 00:13:43,639
I have to replace him.
264
00:13:43,752 --> 00:13:45,440
I brought you here to ask you
265
00:13:45,553 --> 00:13:48,255
if you'd be
interested in the job.
266
00:13:57,799 --> 00:13:59,221
No.
267
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:01,323
No?
What...
268
00:14:01,436 --> 00:14:02,725
Why not?
269
00:14:02,838 --> 00:14:04,793
Well, that...
270
00:14:04,906 --> 00:14:06,161
I mean, that's crazy.
271
00:14:06,274 --> 00:14:07,663
I'm not that guy.
272
00:14:07,776 --> 00:14:09,744
I'm 44 and I'm--
I mean, he's...
273
00:14:11,313 --> 00:14:13,969
You should get Jerry Seinfeld
or somebody, right?
274
00:14:14,082 --> 00:14:16,739
Oh, we're getting
Jerry Seinfeld.
275
00:14:16,852 --> 00:14:18,407
You are?
276
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,776
You misunderstood me, son.
277
00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:22,912
I'm not offering you the job,
278
00:14:23,025 --> 00:14:26,527
I'm asking if you're
interested in it.
279
00:14:27,897 --> 00:14:30,887
We're negotiating
with Jerry Seinfeld.
280
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,523
I'm looking for an option.
281
00:14:33,636 --> 00:14:35,525
An option?
282
00:14:35,638 --> 00:14:37,827
Here, let me lay it out
for you.
283
00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:41,298
Jerry Seinfeld is a slam dunk,
284
00:14:41,411 --> 00:14:46,303
but he's a $12 million
slam dunk at best.
285
00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:48,606
You, I could get for a million,
286
00:14:48,719 --> 00:14:50,741
a little less, maybe.
287
00:14:50,854 --> 00:14:52,689
So.
288
00:14:54,525 --> 00:14:55,747
You're thinking.
289
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:56,915
I see the wheels turning.
290
00:14:57,028 --> 00:14:58,684
Tell-- tell me, what?
291
00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,519
Well, I just never
saw this--
292
00:15:00,632 --> 00:15:02,555
I didn't see this coming.
293
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:03,723
I don't know--
294
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,425
I don't know how much
you know about me.
295
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,928
I know you're
a working-class standup
296
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,696
from Boston.
297
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:12,667
You do standup,
you make, maybe,
298
00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:15,870
$80,000 a year on
the club dates,
299
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,540
but you're on
the back nine of your career.
300
00:15:18,653 --> 00:15:21,743
Except for, once in a while,
a special on cable,
301
00:15:21,856 --> 00:15:23,311
I think you--
302
00:15:23,424 --> 00:15:25,213
Five years ago,
you probably peaked
303
00:15:25,326 --> 00:15:26,881
and now you're waiting around
304
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,250
wondering if
something's gonna happen
305
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,652
before it gets embarrassing.
306
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,533
Am I right?
307
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,929
You don't think you can do it.
308
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:45,799
You think it's over
and you're afraid to try.
309
00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:47,867
I mean, I get it,
that's normal.
310
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,336
I've seen it.
311
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,706
And I've seen it turn around.
312
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,242
Let me offer you a proposal.
313
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:56,910
You go back to New York.
314
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:58,311
You get in shape.
315
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,279
You lose about 40 pounds.
316
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,483
I get you with Jackie Dahl,
he's my main city man.
317
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:06,553
He works with you
and then, in about two months,
318
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,256
we do a test show.
319
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:10,892
A test show?
320
00:16:11,005 --> 00:16:13,361
Jack'll get you a small studio.
321
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:15,263
You know, you'll do
a monologue,
322
00:16:15,376 --> 00:16:16,865
you'll do
a couple of interviews
323
00:16:16,978 --> 00:16:20,168
and if the test is good...
324
00:16:20,281 --> 00:16:21,748
I'll put you on the air.
325
00:16:23,451 --> 00:16:25,808
And then if you're a hit,
326
00:16:25,921 --> 00:16:28,444
everybody'll think I'm a genius
327
00:16:28,557 --> 00:16:29,812
and I'll have saved the network
328
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:33,249
about $12 million.
329
00:16:33,362 --> 00:16:36,185
If America hates you...
330
00:16:36,298 --> 00:16:37,598
no one's gonna blame me.
331
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:42,224
We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld
to do the show.
332
00:16:42,337 --> 00:16:44,894
No harm, no foul.
333
00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:47,630
But you'll take
the heat on all that.
334
00:16:47,743 --> 00:16:50,299
You're gonna crack your head
on the ceiling
335
00:16:50,412 --> 00:16:51,866
and you're gonna go down,
336
00:16:51,979 --> 00:16:53,313
probably for good.
337
00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:58,707
Look, Louie.
338
00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:00,509
We're talking about
the big game here,
339
00:17:00,622 --> 00:17:04,312
so forgive me
if I use big terms.
340
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:06,615
Here's the reality.
341
00:17:06,728 --> 00:17:08,983
In ten years, you're
gonna be teaching comedy
342
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,786
at a community college
to support your kids
343
00:17:11,899 --> 00:17:12,988
and falling asleep to
344
00:17:13,101 --> 00:17:17,425
"The Late Show with
Jerry Seinfeld."
345
00:17:17,538 --> 00:17:20,495
You're circling failure...
346
00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:24,465
in a rapidly decaying orbit.
347
00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:27,801
That's the reality,
as we talk now.
348
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,171
But you can change that.
349
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:34,474
It's in your power
to change that.
350
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:35,808
Yes, you'll have to work hard,
351
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:37,710
you'll have to do things
you haven't done before
352
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,478
and still...
353
00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:42,281
your chances are very slim.
354
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,918
But you could change it.
355
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:48,821
I'm gonna ask you one re time.
356
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:52,558
David Letterman is retiring.
357
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:53,805
Do you want his job?
358
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:58,405
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