Original subtitles

The ten-year-old is more complicated.

She asks me a lot of questions,

I have to sort of be ready for them.

She asked me, what is prejudice?

They told her in school to ask me.

Well, they said ask somebody in your life.

And so she asked me.

She said, what's-- What is prejudice?

And I was like, "Well..."

And she's like, ugh, why did I ask you?

Jesus Christ.

This is gonna be a nightmare.

So I told her prejudice is that you judge before,

Pre-ju-dice.

Pre-judge-sadiz.

You judge before-- That's what prejudice is.

You judged before you knew any--

You say, ah, he's gonna--

'Cause he's one of those, so he's gonna...

That's prejudice.

And she asked me, have you ever been prejudiced?

And I was like, oh.

Oh, oh my.

Oh, well, I wasn't prepared for such questions.

I said--

You've got to examine yourself once in awhile.

You can't just-- just--

You can't just go, "I voted for Obama,

I can't be prejudiced, it's impossible."

You have to still check yourself.

What have I done lately?

And I-- well, I've had prejudice, like, that's diff--

Like, I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.

I don't know her, but I--

I never met her or saw her in person,

but I-- I just know.

Come on.

I just know that that would be the greatest thing

that ever happened to me...

and the worst thing that ever happened to her, but...

I don't even jerk off to her, that's how much I like her.

I still just jerk off to that wedding album

I found in the garbage, but...

So what is it, then?

It's a ty-ranny.

It's-- It is a tyranny.

Whoops, tyranny.

You can say ty-ranny--

I didn't mean to correct you, I just said it

differently than you-- you can say ty-ranny.

Okay, so I want to say that.

But most people say tyranny.

Tyrant, tyranny.

- Tyrannical. - That's why--

That's why I say "ty-ranny," 'cause it's "tyrant."

Tyrant, ty-rannical.

I think there's a good argument for that,

- for just matching them up. - Yeah.

Why are you changing the vowel,

- just 'cause you're using different-- - Yeah.

I'm not sure why they do that.

Just want to make it more confusing.

Hey, what's that for?

'Cause it's tax.

Why do I need to pay you tax?

Because.

Because without me, you wouldn't be able to have it.

See, I'm taking ten percent.

That's what you're paying.

It's pretty good, by the way.

Don't take my ten percent of my food.

Then you get the rest.

You can eat-- You're fine on that.

Daddy, what's a blimp?

It's like a big balloon.

Mommy's friend, Patrick, said he was on a blimp once.

Yeah, he said it was scary.

Mommy's friend, Patrick?

Yeah.

He's pretty funny.

Daddy, when are you gonna have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

When are you gonna have a girlfriend?

Come on, get yourself a girlfriend.

You could date a veterinarian.

We could play animals all day.

I think he just needs to find the right person.

Exactly.

Okay.

So I know--

I hope nobody here is deeply religious.

If you are, please just rest in the glory

that I am wrong.

I, uh...

My mom is very religious and I like to leave her messages

on her voicemail from the Baby Jesus.

Hi Mommy, this is Baby Jesus.

Jingo, jingo...

"Maria, will you stop leaving me those messages?"

"What messages?"

"The ones from the Baby Jesus."

"Baby Jesus is leaving you messages?

Better call him back."

Single lady, and I do believe in love.

I love love songs.

I do listen to "Love Songs on the Coast with Delilah."

Where you calling from tonight?

With requests and dedications.

What's your name? Where are you calling from?

Hi, Amy, calling in from Tucson, Arizona.

What's going on with you tonight, Amy?

So you and Matt broke up, that's hard, that's tough.

Sweetie, what do you want to say to Matt tonight?

We'll play that for you, that's "Penny Lover" by Lionel Richie.

Thank you so much.

Enjoy the rest of the show!

- Hey. - Hey!

Hey, great job, really funny.

Thanks, thanks.

- How are you? - Thanks.

Good, good.

How are you?

I'm good as well.

You want to-- You want to hang out?

Hang out where?

Uh, we could--

Oh, you just want to come over?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Okay, all right.

I'll get my stuff, I'll-- I'll see you outside.

- All right. - Okay.

- Okay. - You know what?

I'll meet you at the corner, I'll get--

- Yeah, okay. - I just don't need--

Yeah, right-- yeah, I gotcha.

Okay.

I'm not really good at confronting people.

Can I sit there?

I'm sitting here.

Okay, you're a piggy bitch.

That's my magazine.

So do you like working out a lot?

Yeah, I like working out.

That's cool.

Both my parents died when I was a baby,

so I never knew my parents.

Can we have sex again in a few minutes?

Yeah, you like to?

Not as much as I--

That's why I wanted to try again.

Okay.

Just give me a little time, okay?

Don't worry, I'll blow you so you get hard again.

I am just so sick of Ellen.

She makes me feel bad about myself

and I have been trying to be, like, more assertive.

- Ellen. - What?

You fucking bitch!

I am sick of you!

I am sick of you!

Get away now!

I can't believe it!

- Hey, can I ask you something? - Uh-huh.

Do you want to come over sometime and have dinner?

Like, we'd have dinner?

Are you asking me out on a date?

No, like if you came to my place and had--

I would make you dinner at my place,

and then with my kids there and...

Go and have dinner with you and your kids?

Yeah.

Oh.

That's nice.

Why do you want me to do that?

Because I just thought it-- I thought it'd be nice.

You don't want to?

No, I really don't want to do that.

I do not want to meet your kids.

- Ugh. - "Ugh"?

Why do you have to say "Ugh"?

What do you think this is, like, I'm your girlfriend?

No, I'm--

Just forget it, I'm sorry.

Jesus, now I'm all dicked up in the head

and it was so simple with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I brought it up,

I'm sorry I dicked you up in the head.

I'm here for that, and...

and now you're trying to add features to this thing.

I'm not trying to add-- I'm trying to--

You know what?

- Really forget it. - Wow.

Really forget it, I'm so sorry.

You really ruined my night, two ways now.

- You're bad at sex. - Okay.

You're bad at it, you're bad at it.

Okay.

- No, it's one thing you're not good at, Louie. - Okay.

It's like they're sticks except they've got legs,

so they move and stuff.

- That's so weird. - Yeah.

I'll see you later, okay?

- Have a great day. - Bye.

Bye.

I only like it this way.

Is that okay?

Can I help you?

Uh, no, no.

Hey, can I--

- Can I help you? - Yeah, thank you.

I'm looking for a book about, uh...

flowers.

Flowers?

You mean, like, information about flowers or--

Yeah, that's great.

I mean, I--

I need a book about my--

For my kid about flowers, for a child?

Oh, okay.

I love the kids' books.

- You do? - Yeah, come on.

How old's your daughter?

She's ten years old.

She's a fifth-grader.

Hmm, flowers, fifth grade.

Is she a serious kid or does she like a funny book?

Is there a funny book about flowers?

- Yeah. - Really?

This one's great.

- It's got this really funny character. - Yeah?

He grows flowers in his apartment.

- He has soil all over the floor. - Mm-hmm.

But inside his home is a garden.

That's perfect.

That's perfect.

Thank you, thank you very much.

- You're welcome. - That's great.

I still get nervous, it's fun.

That's the fun part of dating, is you still--

You ask somebody out and then if she says yes, you go--

You do that--

That tennis-player thing.

Only tennis and golf players do that fist pump, the--

And it's because they're alone.

It's 'cause they're by themselves.

If you're a baseball player, you go to your teammate

and you go boom-boom-boom, or what--

High-five, all those things.

Hug.

By yourself on a tennis court, you just--

Louis C.K.!

- Hi. - Hey.

How you doing?

Did your daughter like the book?

You know what?

It was kind of little for her.

Really?

Yeah, she's really into kind of heavy novels right now.

Wow.

Yeah, just really mysterious and serious.

Just depressing stuff, man, yeah.

But her sister loved it.

Oh, there's another one.

Yeah, I guess they keep multiplying.

- How many do you have? - Two.

I have a six and a ten-year-old,

both girls, and I'm divorced.

Oh, I think it's great that you pay so much attention

to what they read

and I think it's great that you come into a real bookstore

instead of just perusing Amazon.

Bravo.

Thank you.

That's-- that'll get me through the day.

Do you want to get something for your ten-year-old?

That-- Yes, please.

Do you have any depressing novels

about people's heads falling off?

Terrible things happening?

- Yeah, yeah, come over here for a second. - Okay.

If you just push this really hard,

it'll turn into another room.

Really? You're--

No, I think I know what she likes.

She sounds like me at her age.

- She does? - Yeah.

You were like--

What's going on with her, since you--

Well, I don't want to break the covenant of what it is

to be a little girl,

the kind of things you want to keep from your parents--

- Oh yeah, sure. - --And everyone else in the world.

But I will say this.

There are things about being female that at that age,

it starts coming online.

And so some of these books take these feelings,

these big emotions,

they let you take them out for a safe kind of spin, you know.

That's--

That's massively helpful to me

and very terrifying.

Like, deep fear.

Yeah, well, just keep bringing her the books.

- She'll be fine. - Okay.

- Has she read this? - I don't think so.

Okay, give hers, this, but tell her not to read it at night

because it's too scary.

Oh, well, maybe--

The idea is that she will read it at night.

It will be like a little wrongful thrill for her.

That's great.

You are helping me so much right now.

Wow.

Thank you.

Sure.

Do you need anything else?

No, no, thanks a lot.

This is great, thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi.

I'm sorry, I'm a monster.

Sorry about that, I--

- Did Lilly like the book? - You know what?

I didn't give it to her yet 'cause she's on another one,

so it's next up, but thank you, I--

Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Uh-- - It's--

- Okay. - Okay?

Um, let's--

Thanks, I--

I, um... Uh, okay.

You know, the--

This kind of thing is so awkward and horrible

that, you know, from your end, it must--

Okay, I'm gonna come out and tell you, I'm asking you out.

That's what I'm doing.

And please don't answer yet,

because I know you might have a "no"

cued up in your head already and I--

But I please--

Will you let me say a few things?

I...

I know that being a woman in New York must be hard

because it's basically disappointing maybe

that you try to be nice to men as human beings,

and then they respond

by just torpedoing towards your vagina.

I want you to know that I'm aware

that you're young and beautiful

and I'm not either of those things and I--

Part of me knows that as soon as my lips stop moving,

you're gonna say no, but I--

Please think of the fact that it's low-risk, what I'm asking.

You just come out with me for a drink,

and even if you got up and left

in the middle of the one drink, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't hold it against you.

So just make a judgment based on that

nothing horrible would happen if you came out with me.

I think you're so attractive, I'm attracted to you

because you're nice and you're a decent person,

and those are--

And other reasons you probably want people

to be attracted to you.

And also, you're all horribly cute.

I mean, you're cute as hell and I--

I grow on people, women, when they-- You get--

Some time goes by, you get past the bald head and the--

I sweat a lot and I'm lumpy.

I've run out of things to say.

Can you just say-- Tell me now, if it's--

Did this work, are you gonna?

I don't date guys, I'm a lesbian.

I'm just kidding.

Of course I'll have a drink with you, why not?

Oh, my God, really?

Yes.

I don't choose guys based on looks.

Made for a really shitty life for me.

And you're not a troll, for Christ's sake.

Get some confidence.

I'll have it up and running.

You want to pick me up tonight?

Tonight?

- Yeah. - At 8:00?

- Yes, please. - When I get off?

- That'd be great. - Okay.

Nice job on the asking out.

- Thank you. - I liked it.

A-plus.

So where are you from?

- California. - Oh, are you really?

Yes, I am really.

Of course you are.

Yeah, of course I am.

So I'm sitting on the couch between Kayla and Kendra.

I ask Kayla where she's from, she says California.

Kendra's like, oh, yeah, I bet you are.

Kayla was like, yeah, yeah, I am.

Kendra's like, yeah, I bet you are.

And Kayla said, yeah, I am.

I like Albert.

The others are okay.

But I really want to go home.

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