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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
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Sync by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:50,449 --> 00:00:52,985
I mean, sometimes you see
a person on the street
11
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,055
who's in a state of life
that you couldn't imagine
12
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,222
having the courage to live.
13
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:59,058
You ever seen somebody...
14
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:00,960
you ever seen a person
and you look at them and you go,
15
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,897
"That-- I would just kill myself
if I woke up like that"?
16
00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,699
I would just kill myself.
17
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,067
I don't have the courage.
18
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,169
And it's a comment on me,
not them.
19
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,637
I couldn't live like that.
20
00:01:10,705 --> 00:01:13,773
I get to go like this,
and if I had to go like this,
21
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,375
I'd blow my brains out.
22
00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:17,543
I can't do it.
23
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:20,546
I have only the courage
for a perfect life.
24
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,783
I really do.
25
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,953
Anything below perfect,
I ain't doing it.
26
00:01:26,021 --> 00:01:27,856
I ain't being
one of those guys.
27
00:01:27,924 --> 00:01:29,958
I don't even want to be cold
in the winter.
28
00:01:30,026 --> 00:01:31,293
You know when you see somebody,
29
00:01:31,361 --> 00:01:33,896
they just have a flannel shirt
without a jacket,
30
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:36,766
and they're just being cold and
their face is purple in spots.
31
00:01:38,502 --> 00:01:40,069
Couldn't do it.
32
00:01:40,137 --> 00:01:42,338
I saw an old lady
I couldn't be.
33
00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:44,574
I was walking behind this lady.
34
00:01:44,642 --> 00:01:47,277
That is a weird sentence.
35
00:01:47,344 --> 00:01:51,381
"I saw an old lady
that I couldn't be."
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00:01:51,448 --> 00:01:53,683
I was walking behind her
37
00:01:53,751 --> 00:01:56,886
and she had just
a spine that was
38
00:01:56,954 --> 00:01:58,454
just dog shit.
39
00:01:58,522 --> 00:02:02,191
Her spine sucked ass.
40
00:02:02,259 --> 00:02:04,794
I'm saying this in--
Like, as her friend.
41
00:02:04,862 --> 00:02:07,264
Her spine...
42
00:02:07,331 --> 00:02:09,233
sucked dick.
43
00:02:09,301 --> 00:02:12,537
Just-- She was
just one of these people
44
00:02:12,604 --> 00:02:16,375
and she's walking in front of me
like this
45
00:02:16,442 --> 00:02:19,445
and she had a collar on
her shirt that was very high,
46
00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:20,913
and so I couldn't even
see her head.
47
00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:23,149
She had--
Looked like she had no head.
48
00:02:23,217 --> 00:02:25,986
She was like this with
no head and I remember--
49
00:02:26,053 --> 00:02:28,923
First thing I thought was,
her doctor's an asshole,
50
00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:32,226
because he could have told her!
51
00:02:32,294 --> 00:02:34,662
He could have said to her,
"Listen, just so you know,
52
00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:37,566
"now that you're like this,
53
00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:39,901
"if you wear a high collar...
54
00:02:44,341 --> 00:02:48,712
"... it's spooky for people
behind you.
55
00:02:48,780 --> 00:02:52,583
"It's spooky from the back...
56
00:02:52,651 --> 00:02:55,553
"sad from the front
57
00:02:55,621 --> 00:02:57,856
and kind of
funny from the side."
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00:02:57,923 --> 00:02:58,890
Anyway, thanks a lot,
good night.
59
00:02:58,958 --> 00:02:59,791
Thank you very much.
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00:02:59,859 --> 00:03:02,927
( cheers and applause )
61
00:03:12,336 --> 00:03:13,970
( man )
Louie C.K.!
62
00:03:14,038 --> 00:03:15,638
( cheers and applause )
63
00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:18,941
( chuckling )
64
00:03:19,009 --> 00:03:20,576
Holy shit!
How are you, man?
65
00:03:20,643 --> 00:03:22,078
How's it going?
Oh, my God!
66
00:03:22,145 --> 00:03:23,646
Eddie!
How are you?
67
00:03:23,714 --> 00:03:25,782
I haven't seen you in-- Jesus Christ!
Oh, it's years.
68
00:03:25,849 --> 00:03:27,984
It's been years.
Oh, my God.
69
00:03:28,052 --> 00:03:29,653
You're doing good, man.
70
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:30,921
You're a big star now.
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00:03:30,989 --> 00:03:32,122
Oh, not really.
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00:03:32,190 --> 00:03:34,458
Bullshit, I see you on TV.
73
00:03:34,526 --> 00:03:36,928
You know, when I can afford
a motel room.
74
00:03:36,996 --> 00:03:38,497
I thought you'd
forget about me.
75
00:03:38,564 --> 00:03:40,800
How am I gonna
forget about you, man?
76
00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:43,202
Hey, man, pretty funny stuff.
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00:03:43,269 --> 00:03:44,570
Thanks.
78
00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:46,271
I'm Louie.
I'm Eddie.
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00:03:46,339 --> 00:03:48,273
Just starting out, too.
80
00:03:50,644 --> 00:03:51,877
It's good to see you, man.
81
00:03:51,945 --> 00:03:53,045
This is--
82
00:03:53,112 --> 00:03:55,281
Gregg Rogell,
this is Eddie Mack,
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00:03:55,348 --> 00:03:57,049
he's a comic, he's a friend,
we started out together.
84
00:03:57,117 --> 00:03:59,017
Oh, cool, nice to meet you, Eddie.
What's up?
85
00:03:59,085 --> 00:04:00,986
Where do you work out of, LA?
86
00:04:01,054 --> 00:04:04,357
Oh, yeah, because if it's
not here, it has to be LA.
87
00:04:04,425 --> 00:04:06,593
You know, there's a whole
middle of the country.
88
00:04:06,661 --> 00:04:07,728
You know,
the sewers of America,
89
00:04:07,795 --> 00:04:09,062
that's where I work,
90
00:04:09,130 --> 00:04:11,332
y'know, places that you
wouldn't be welcome,
91
00:04:11,399 --> 00:04:12,934
phony New York piece of shit.
92
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,436
Hey, man, watch your mouth.
93
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,938
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I offend you?
94
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:17,239
Hey...
95
00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:18,373
You started out with this guy?
Yeah.
96
00:04:18,441 --> 00:04:20,076
Yeah, we started out
back in the days
97
00:04:20,144 --> 00:04:22,345
when people went
on stage to be funny,
98
00:04:22,413 --> 00:04:24,514
and then he came here
to have a career
99
00:04:24,581 --> 00:04:27,150
with dildos like you
and I worked the road,
100
00:04:27,218 --> 00:04:29,519
working shit holes for
drug money, like real comics.
101
00:04:29,586 --> 00:04:33,123
Oh, I get it, so you're a road head?
Yeah, yeah, and I'm really proud of it.
102
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,425
Unfunny ( bleep ).
103
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:37,827
Okay, well, it was nice
talking to you, loser.
104
00:04:37,895 --> 00:04:39,562
( audience clapping )
105
00:04:41,398 --> 00:04:43,432
Come on.
106
00:04:43,500 --> 00:04:46,035
Let's get a drink, man, come upstairs.
I can't, I can't, I'm double-parked.
107
00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:47,403
Where you--
Where you going?
108
00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:49,338
I can't afford to stop
in this city.
109
00:04:49,406 --> 00:04:52,141
It's 50 bucks
an hour to exist here.
110
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,709
I'm on my way to Maine,
111
00:04:53,776 --> 00:04:55,744
I just wanted to stop in
and say hello.
112
00:04:55,812 --> 00:04:57,112
What are you doing?
113
00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:58,680
Do you want a-- do you want a ride?
Yeah.
114
00:04:58,748 --> 00:05:01,049
I wanted to talk to you
for a while, if you have--
115
00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:02,717
Okay, yeah,
absolutely, come on, man.
116
00:05:02,785 --> 00:05:04,820
Let's go.
I'll give you a ride home.
117
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:07,289
Tiger Woods claims to be
addicted to sex.
118
00:05:07,356 --> 00:05:08,857
Bullshit.
119
00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:11,026
These are hot women he was
having sex with.
120
00:05:11,094 --> 00:05:12,995
If he was having
sex with a dead chicken,
121
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:16,099
then I'd say, "Wow, that guy
is addicted to sex."
122
00:05:22,307 --> 00:05:24,675
Boy, you're really
living out of this car.
123
00:05:24,743 --> 00:05:27,878
Yeah, I've been sleeping
in it for over a year.
124
00:05:27,946 --> 00:05:29,046
Got everything.
125
00:05:29,114 --> 00:05:30,714
I'm set up.
126
00:05:30,782 --> 00:05:34,685
Got a sleeping bag,
hot plate, box of porn,
127
00:05:34,753 --> 00:05:36,687
old-school magazine porn.
128
00:05:36,755 --> 00:05:38,055
Gas station porn.
129
00:05:38,123 --> 00:05:40,024
You might not
want to touch that.
130
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:44,294
So you're doing a gig in Maine?
131
00:05:44,362 --> 00:05:45,729
Yeah, you want to open for me?
132
00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:49,199
It's a sports bar
in Bangor for 200 bucks,
133
00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:51,134
then I'm done.
134
00:05:51,202 --> 00:05:52,903
What, you're getting off
the road for a while?
135
00:05:52,971 --> 00:05:54,571
No, I mean, I'm done.
136
00:05:54,639 --> 00:05:56,406
Done and done.
137
00:06:00,111 --> 00:06:01,979
I'm gonna hit this
liquor store up here.
138
00:06:04,416 --> 00:06:08,752
I would like to die
from... you.
139
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,688
And you're drinking this with me, too.
I don't know, man.
140
00:06:10,755 --> 00:06:11,855
Yes, you are.
No.
141
00:06:11,923 --> 00:06:13,323
You remember how we
used to get hammered.
142
00:06:13,391 --> 00:06:15,225
Yes, I remember.
143
00:06:15,293 --> 00:06:19,429
Man, you ate it
up there tonight.
144
00:06:19,497 --> 00:06:22,932
Yeah, I know I suck, man.
145
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,467
You don't suck.
146
00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:25,801
They suck!
147
00:06:25,869 --> 00:06:27,336
Don't...
148
00:06:27,404 --> 00:06:30,739
don't let other people
tell you what you are, man.
149
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,674
Don't do that.
150
00:06:32,742 --> 00:06:35,043
You're good.
151
00:06:35,111 --> 00:06:36,744
You're funny!
152
00:06:42,284 --> 00:06:44,084
Oh, Jesus, drink with me,
I'm serious.
153
00:06:44,152 --> 00:06:46,387
You're not gonna see me
again after this, believe me.
154
00:06:46,454 --> 00:06:48,221
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
155
00:06:48,289 --> 00:06:49,355
You gotta pay for that, mister.
156
00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:51,258
Yeah, I'm paying
for it there, relax.
157
00:06:51,325 --> 00:06:52,860
Pinch it off, lady bird.
158
00:06:52,927 --> 00:06:55,596
Can I enjoy it for ten seconds
before I own it?
159
00:06:55,663 --> 00:06:57,431
You can't drink in here,
it's not a bar.
160
00:06:57,499 --> 00:06:59,733
Why don't you shut your hummus
hole there, curry monkey?
161
00:06:59,801 --> 00:07:02,536
I'm gonna pay for it. What the ( bleep
) are you talking about, curry monkey?
162
00:07:02,604 --> 00:07:04,305
You no soy--
Yo no soy árabe.
163
00:07:04,372 --> 00:07:06,440
¿ Qué clase de mierda es esto?
What is that, Spanish?
164
00:07:06,508 --> 00:07:07,642
What are you saying--
Oye.
165
00:07:07,709 --> 00:07:09,143
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.
166
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,780
Are you saying that Spanish
people don't eat hummus?
167
00:07:11,847 --> 00:07:13,949
Are you saying Spanish people
168
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,717
don't like Middle Eastern food?
Oye, oye, p'al carajo, get out of here.
169
00:07:17,053 --> 00:07:19,454
Oye, chico.
You keep the change.
170
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:22,257
Yo no soy árabe, sal p'al-- Sal p'al carajo.
I'll keep the change, I'll keep your change.
171
00:07:22,324 --> 00:07:23,992
Y llévate--
Y vete pa' allá.
172
00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:26,128
Yeah, you and your friend,
pa' fuera, maricón.
173
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,529
Yeah, I know what that means.
Pa' fuera.
174
00:07:27,597 --> 00:07:28,830
I'll find out what
that means Llévatelo.
175
00:07:28,898 --> 00:07:30,465
And I'm gonna come back
to your bar.
176
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,500
I'm gonna slander your bar
on the Internet. Very sorry.
177
00:07:32,568 --> 00:07:35,403
One star for your bar, this bar sucks!
Mierda, mierda, mierda.
178
00:07:35,471 --> 00:07:37,238
Let's go, man.
179
00:07:37,306 --> 00:07:39,340
I'm on Facebook!
Aquí, si, pa' fuera, pa' fuera.
180
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,348
( bleep )
181
00:07:50,858 --> 00:07:52,858
You almost look like
you're having fun.
182
00:07:52,926 --> 00:07:53,793
( chuckling )
183
00:07:53,861 --> 00:07:55,461
( coughing )
184
00:07:55,529 --> 00:07:56,930
Wah!
Jesus Christ.
185
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,066
Let's do a set somewhere.
You wanna go on stage?
186
00:07:59,133 --> 00:08:00,768
Yeah, hang on.
187
00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:03,270
Let's find a gig.
188
00:08:03,338 --> 00:08:05,106
Let's find a gig.
189
00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:07,542
We could do Caroline's,
the midnight show.
190
00:08:07,610 --> 00:08:09,644
We're not doing a comedy club.
191
00:08:09,712 --> 00:08:12,715
Comedy clubs, that's
where comedy goes to die.
192
00:08:12,782 --> 00:08:14,450
Let's do an open mic.
Uh...
193
00:08:14,518 --> 00:08:17,053
Like we used to, have some n.
194
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,856
Yeah... right there.
195
00:08:19,923 --> 00:08:21,424
That's tonight.
196
00:08:21,492 --> 00:08:22,959
That's in Brooklyn.
197
00:08:23,026 --> 00:08:24,260
And I have a car.
198
00:08:24,328 --> 00:08:26,029
Wah, come on.
199
00:08:26,096 --> 00:08:28,831
Jesus, man, come on.
Give me this, give me this.
200
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:30,233
I'm driving.
All right, okay.
201
00:08:31,869 --> 00:08:33,903
Brooklyn.
202
00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:36,472
That's the bridge, that's the bridge.
There you go.
203
00:08:37,741 --> 00:08:39,375
I called my ex-wife, right,
and told her what happened,
204
00:08:39,443 --> 00:08:41,277
you know, that I didn't want to
be alone tonight.
205
00:08:41,345 --> 00:08:43,412
And she was like,
"Things are different, okay?
206
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,581
You want to be with me,
it's gonna cost you $200."
207
00:08:45,649 --> 00:08:47,983
And I was like, wow, things are
different, man.
208
00:08:48,050 --> 00:08:50,118
I remember when
she used to charge me 60,
209
00:08:50,186 --> 00:08:51,519
which is a problem, man,
'cause, you know,
210
00:08:51,587 --> 00:08:52,954
every woman wants to
have a man in here life,
211
00:08:53,022 --> 00:08:54,022
you know what I mean?
212
00:08:54,089 --> 00:08:55,523
But not a fat one.
213
00:08:55,591 --> 00:08:58,927
It's not like when I walk by,
you hear women going...
214
00:08:58,994 --> 00:09:00,862
"Oye, mira, papi.
215
00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:03,298
"Coño.
216
00:09:03,366 --> 00:09:06,335
Teniqua,
did you see that guy ?"
217
00:09:06,402 --> 00:09:07,803
"I sure did and let me tell you
something,
218
00:09:07,870 --> 00:09:09,204
"if I had him in my bed,
219
00:09:09,272 --> 00:09:10,439
"I'd suck his cholesterol level
back to normal,
220
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:13,175
you know what
I'm saying ?"
221
00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:15,845
This is open mic.
222
00:09:15,912 --> 00:09:18,080
Smell the desperation.
223
00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:20,149
Loserdom.
224
00:09:20,217 --> 00:09:22,318
Like, a girl could do
something seemingly gay
225
00:09:22,386 --> 00:09:24,687
and it'll be okay if she does it
with another woman,
226
00:09:24,755 --> 00:09:26,255
but if I suggest
I want to suck my friend's dick
227
00:09:26,323 --> 00:09:28,890
because he's stressed,
I can't suck his dick.
228
00:09:30,826 --> 00:09:34,462
Well, I'm immigrant from Russia
229
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,997
and America
experiencing hard times now,
230
00:09:37,065 --> 00:09:39,166
how to survive and
this and that...
231
00:09:39,234 --> 00:09:42,971
I'm telling you, you're really
making me feel good, like...
232
00:09:43,038 --> 00:09:45,140
like I felt when they
finally took that head rag
233
00:09:45,207 --> 00:09:47,242
off Aunt Jemima on
the pancake box.
234
00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:48,944
I feel good, I feel good.
235
00:09:49,012 --> 00:09:50,246
Yeah.
236
00:09:50,313 --> 00:09:51,614
You seriously want to
go on stage here?
237
00:09:51,682 --> 00:09:53,049
Yeah, yeah.
238
00:09:53,117 --> 00:09:55,485
Hey, you're Louie C.K. Yeah.
239
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,888
You're famous in this dump.
240
00:09:57,956 --> 00:09:59,923
Do you want to go up?
241
00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:01,725
No, but can you
put my friend on?
242
00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:03,193
He's funny, he's a comic.
I'll go up.
243
00:10:03,261 --> 00:10:04,561
Yeah, yeah, sure.
244
00:10:04,629 --> 00:10:05,696
What's your name?
245
00:10:05,763 --> 00:10:08,832
It's Shitty Fat Tits.
246
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,700
Write that down.
247
00:10:10,768 --> 00:10:12,435
Yeah, sure.
248
00:10:12,503 --> 00:10:13,903
( woman )
... I'm gonna go now,
249
00:10:13,971 --> 00:10:15,871
but I'll be in the back
so we can exchange...
250
00:10:15,939 --> 00:10:17,907
Don't ( bleep ) up my intro.
251
00:10:17,974 --> 00:10:21,143
Up next, we got a very special
guest, doing a guest spot.
252
00:10:21,210 --> 00:10:25,380
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Shitty Fat Tits.
253
00:10:25,447 --> 00:10:26,848
( scattered applause )
254
00:10:26,916 --> 00:10:28,716
Oh, no, thank you,
thank you very much.
255
00:10:28,784 --> 00:10:30,518
No, seriously, thank you,
thank you.
256
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,253
Your host,
ladies and gentlemen.
257
00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:33,955
Please, give it up.
258
00:10:34,023 --> 00:10:35,356
He should.
259
00:10:35,424 --> 00:10:38,226
Anyway, do you know
how much stupid stuff we do
260
00:10:38,294 --> 00:10:39,928
just to get pussy?
261
00:10:39,996 --> 00:10:42,464
Sex is just so absolutely
boring.
262
00:10:42,532 --> 00:10:45,368
It's such a one-note thing
and it drives so many people
263
00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:48,304
to do so many ridiculous...
264
00:10:48,372 --> 00:10:49,673
So many problems--
265
00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:51,208
Sex is like--
It's not even like--
266
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:52,910
It's gross.
267
00:10:52,978 --> 00:10:54,612
If you just break it down to
what it is,
268
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,515
if you're not in
the mood for it and you just--
269
00:10:57,583 --> 00:10:58,917
It's disgusting.
270
00:10:58,985 --> 00:11:02,654
Do you ever watch porno
after you come?
271
00:11:02,721 --> 00:11:04,622
Ugh.
272
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:07,425
I get a boner, it springs up
on me randomly,
273
00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:10,328
I treat it like
the medical condition that it is
274
00:11:10,396 --> 00:11:13,331
and I drain it like a cyst,
quickly.
275
00:11:13,399 --> 00:11:14,499
Drain this off!
276
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,601
No, just squeeze it off!
277
00:11:16,669 --> 00:11:18,703
30-second MPEG.
278
00:11:18,771 --> 00:11:20,438
And if you use YouPorn,
be careful,
279
00:11:20,506 --> 00:11:22,140
'cause they track
what you beat off to.
280
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,642
It's a--
281
00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:26,512
Go up to the top of YouPorn next
time you're on YouPorn
282
00:11:26,579 --> 00:11:28,447
and click on
"recommended for you."
283
00:11:28,514 --> 00:11:30,749
They track what you beat off to,
it's like Amazon.
284
00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:32,551
"People who beat off
to this also beat off to
285
00:11:32,619 --> 00:11:33,886
this, this and that."
286
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,422
And a lot of that stuff
you're not into.
287
00:11:36,489 --> 00:11:39,558
How is, y'know,
cock and ball torture
288
00:11:39,626 --> 00:11:41,727
equivalent to peeing on me?
289
00:11:41,795 --> 00:11:43,262
I don't want you to pee on me.
290
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:45,765
That's gross.
291
00:11:45,832 --> 00:11:47,233
( laughing )
292
00:11:47,301 --> 00:11:48,535
No idea what
I'm doing with my life.
293
00:11:56,353 --> 00:11:58,754
I can't believe you didn't go on, man.
Man, you were great.
294
00:11:58,822 --> 00:12:00,356
Eat my ass.
You were hilarious.
295
00:12:00,424 --> 00:12:02,658
Stop it.
296
00:12:02,726 --> 00:12:04,394
You know, I give you shit,
297
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:06,930
but you know
I'm proud of you, right?
298
00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:09,132
You came out here
and you gave it a shot
299
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,335
and now it's working for you.
300
00:12:11,403 --> 00:12:13,204
I've always been proud of you.
301
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,576
Hey, man.
What's up?
302
00:12:19,644 --> 00:12:21,978
I got some news.
303
00:12:22,046 --> 00:12:24,180
I'm gonna be on Letterman.
304
00:12:24,247 --> 00:12:25,414
Oh, yeah?
305
00:12:25,482 --> 00:12:26,916
Yeah, I just got the call.
306
00:12:26,983 --> 00:12:29,151
All right, well, whatever.
307
00:12:31,421 --> 00:12:33,488
What?
What?
308
00:12:33,556 --> 00:12:37,125
Good, go do Letterman.
309
00:12:37,193 --> 00:12:38,193
What's your problem?
310
00:12:38,260 --> 00:12:39,461
I just thought we do this shit
311
00:12:39,528 --> 00:12:41,229
to get off and find truth,
312
00:12:41,297 --> 00:12:45,300
not to become
famous glamour monkeys.
313
00:12:45,368 --> 00:12:46,602
Hey, man--
Whatever, dude.
314
00:12:46,669 --> 00:12:48,471
Go be a star.
315
00:13:04,422 --> 00:13:05,889
Are you drinking water?
316
00:13:05,957 --> 00:13:07,390
Is that for your health?
317
00:13:07,458 --> 00:13:09,759
Keep your skin tight for
the camera close-ups?
318
00:13:09,827 --> 00:13:11,761
You're making fun of water
right now, okay. Yes.
319
00:13:11,829 --> 00:13:14,197
It's a basic life sustenance
and you're making fun of it.
320
00:13:14,264 --> 00:13:15,565
Yeah, so what's your point?
321
00:13:15,632 --> 00:13:18,668
Well, when you find yourself
railing against water,
322
00:13:18,736 --> 00:13:20,136
you know, get a grip, man.
323
00:13:20,204 --> 00:13:22,238
Jesus Christ.
324
00:13:22,306 --> 00:13:25,642
Goddamn it, this city
is a dumparoo.
325
00:13:27,779 --> 00:13:30,281
I bet you never come out
here, do you, Brooklyn?
326
00:13:30,349 --> 00:13:32,249
You just stay holed up
in faggy Manhattan.
327
00:13:32,317 --> 00:13:34,218
I used to live here, man.
Yeah.
328
00:13:34,286 --> 00:13:37,622
Yeah, I lived in a five-floor
walk-up for two years
329
00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:40,225
with my ex-wife.
330
00:13:40,293 --> 00:13:42,828
The Twin Towers were right
there across the river. Oh.
331
00:13:42,896 --> 00:13:44,463
She was six months
pregnant with Lily
332
00:13:44,531 --> 00:13:49,135
and we stood there
and we watched them burn.
333
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,906
You just stood there
and watched them burn?
334
00:13:51,973 --> 00:13:53,307
You didn't try to help?
335
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,509
Rush in?
Try to blow it out?
336
00:13:55,577 --> 00:13:56,810
( blowing )
337
00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:57,979
Nothing?
338
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:00,181
Come on, help our
3,000 brothers out, man.
339
00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:01,983
Just stand there and watch
'em burn
340
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:05,387
with your fattened wife
who you later abandoned.
341
00:14:11,094 --> 00:14:13,261
( chuckling )
342
00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:15,597
So what's up, man?
343
00:14:17,032 --> 00:14:20,935
Uh... okay, look.
344
00:14:21,003 --> 00:14:23,838
I know I burned
our bridge, you know,
345
00:14:23,906 --> 00:14:25,973
we're old friends and all that,
hooray.
346
00:14:26,041 --> 00:14:29,243
But I got no bridges left.
347
00:14:29,311 --> 00:14:30,912
I burned all the bridges,
348
00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:33,281
I burned the roads,
I burned the trails,
349
00:14:33,349 --> 00:14:36,351
I burned the hiking path.
350
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,085
It's all gone.
351
00:14:38,153 --> 00:14:39,721
So what do you need?
352
00:14:39,788 --> 00:14:41,356
I don't need anything.
353
00:14:41,424 --> 00:14:43,324
I just want to talk to you.
354
00:14:43,392 --> 00:14:44,559
I want to tell you something.
Okay.
355
00:14:44,627 --> 00:14:47,362
Do ya, okay?
Yeah, I'm listening.
356
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,631
Go ahead. All right, look,
man, I'm cashing in.
357
00:14:49,698 --> 00:14:51,132
I'm done.
358
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,268
I'm 40 shit years old,
359
00:14:53,336 --> 00:14:55,370
I got nothing, I got nobody.
360
00:14:55,438 --> 00:14:57,005
And I don't want anything,
361
00:14:57,073 --> 00:14:58,874
I don't want anybody,
362
00:14:58,942 --> 00:15:01,943
and that's the worst part,
when the want goes.
363
00:15:02,011 --> 00:15:03,912
That's-- That's bad.
364
00:15:03,980 --> 00:15:06,047
I mean, like suffering
is one thing
365
00:15:06,115 --> 00:15:08,684
or not having is one thing
366
00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:12,087
but when you just
don't care anymore?
367
00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:13,655
You know, I've gone soft
368
00:15:13,723 --> 00:15:16,825
in the last three pussies
I've been in.
369
00:15:16,892 --> 00:15:18,426
You get to
a point where you go,
370
00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,595
maybe it's time to just
put a period
371
00:15:20,663 --> 00:15:22,397
at the end of my--
372
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,199
Whatever this was.
373
00:15:25,935 --> 00:15:28,403
So you're gonna quit comedy?
374
00:15:28,471 --> 00:15:30,205
How dense are you?
375
00:15:30,273 --> 00:15:31,874
Comedy?
376
00:15:31,941 --> 00:15:34,442
Who gives a shit
about comedy, man?
377
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:37,112
Well, then, what are you talking about?
My life!
378
00:15:37,179 --> 00:15:38,947
I'm going to end it.
379
00:15:44,119 --> 00:15:45,152
I went to a doctor--
380
00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:46,520
Listen to me.
381
00:15:46,588 --> 00:15:47,888
I went to a doctor,
and I'm just trying to
382
00:15:47,956 --> 00:15:49,456
get a scrip for Ambien,
and I'm--
383
00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:50,824
I'm bullshitting the guy,
384
00:15:50,892 --> 00:15:53,694
the whole fear
of flying nonsense,
385
00:15:53,761 --> 00:15:56,663
like I've ever been on
a plane in my career,
386
00:15:56,731 --> 00:15:59,666
and the doctor gets this
look on his face like he knows,
387
00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:02,669
like he's gonna chuck me
out of the office.
388
00:16:02,737 --> 00:16:06,306
All of a sudden...
he gives me these.
389
00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:10,745
It's "phenomedrine."
What is it?
390
00:16:10,812 --> 00:16:13,480
He tells me, only take
one of these a week.
391
00:16:13,548 --> 00:16:16,150
It's like the strongest,
most dangerous shit
392
00:16:16,217 --> 00:16:17,818
this side of Bangkok.
393
00:16:17,886 --> 00:16:20,121
He tells me,
"Do not take more than one.
394
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,690
Two of these'll
stop your heart."
395
00:16:22,758 --> 00:16:25,693
A doctor gave you those?
Yeah, it made no sense at first.
396
00:16:25,761 --> 00:16:27,562
I mean, look at me.
397
00:16:27,629 --> 00:16:29,564
You take one look at me,
398
00:16:29,632 --> 00:16:31,900
you're gonna give me these
with a verbal warning?
399
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:33,434
Why would he do that?
400
00:16:33,502 --> 00:16:35,070
Because he took one look at me
401
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:37,406
and he realized
that's the only prescription
402
00:16:37,473 --> 00:16:40,442
that's gonna improve my life,
is death.
403
00:16:42,512 --> 00:16:43,845
Jesus Christ, Eddie.
404
00:16:43,914 --> 00:16:45,181
No, the guy's right.
405
00:16:45,248 --> 00:16:47,683
The guy probably
deserves a Nobel Prize
406
00:16:47,751 --> 00:16:49,585
and I don't need
a second opinion.
407
00:16:49,652 --> 00:16:52,054
I'm going to Maine,
I'm gonna do my show,
408
00:16:52,122 --> 00:16:54,223
get a lobster roll, maybe,
409
00:16:54,291 --> 00:16:55,558
get a motel room
410
00:16:55,626 --> 00:16:57,727
and then throw three of these
things down my head
411
00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,061
with some cognac.
412
00:16:59,129 --> 00:17:01,130
Why are you here
telling me this right now?
413
00:17:01,198 --> 00:17:04,100
You know...
I don't know.
414
00:17:04,168 --> 00:17:07,837
I guess I just wanted to
say goodbye to someone.
415
00:17:07,905 --> 00:17:09,172
You know, if I leave a note,
416
00:17:09,239 --> 00:17:11,975
it's just gonna get
burned with my clothes,
417
00:17:12,042 --> 00:17:14,944
so I figured you for the one
guy that
418
00:17:15,012 --> 00:17:16,613
I could say adios to.
419
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:17,580
Eddie, this is bullshit.
420
00:17:17,648 --> 00:17:18,915
You can't kill yourself.
421
00:17:18,983 --> 00:17:20,016
Oh, yes, I can.
422
00:17:20,084 --> 00:17:21,584
I have a note from a doctor.
423
00:17:21,652 --> 00:17:24,187
I don't give a shit what that
guy said, you can't do that.
424
00:17:24,255 --> 00:17:25,722
And why can't I do that?
425
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,424
Because!
426
00:17:29,226 --> 00:17:30,827
Louie, look me in the eye
427
00:17:30,895 --> 00:17:33,263
and tell me I have
one good reason to live.
428
00:17:44,442 --> 00:17:45,709
No.
429
00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:46,943
See, you got nothing.
430
00:17:47,011 --> 00:17:48,712
No, no, I'm not--
431
00:17:48,780 --> 00:17:50,681
I'm not playing that,
I'm not doing it.
432
00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:52,316
What do you mean?
I mean...
433
00:17:52,383 --> 00:17:55,285
I mean, ( bleep ) you, man.
434
00:17:55,353 --> 00:17:56,587
I got my reasons to live,
435
00:17:56,654 --> 00:17:58,221
I worked hard to
figure out what they are.
436
00:17:58,289 --> 00:18:00,323
I'm not just handing them
to you.
437
00:18:00,391 --> 00:18:02,459
Okay, you want
a reason to live?
438
00:18:02,526 --> 00:18:04,761
Have a drink of water
and get some sleep,
439
00:18:04,828 --> 00:18:06,696
wake up in the morning and try
again like everybody else does.
440
00:18:06,763 --> 00:18:08,297
Yeah, I get it,
a tough-love fix--
441
00:18:08,365 --> 00:18:10,532
No, no love, okay?
442
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:11,734
More like tough--
443
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:13,969
Not giving a shit anymore,
Eddie.
444
00:18:14,037 --> 00:18:15,571
If you want to--
If you want to tap out
445
00:18:15,638 --> 00:18:17,439
'Cause your life
is shit--
446
00:18:17,507 --> 00:18:18,574
You know what?
447
00:18:18,642 --> 00:18:21,043
It's not your life, it's life.
448
00:18:21,111 --> 00:18:22,645
It's-- Life
is bigger than you,
449
00:18:22,713 --> 00:18:24,447
if you can imagine that.
450
00:18:24,515 --> 00:18:27,150
Life isn't something
that you possess.
451
00:18:27,218 --> 00:18:29,053
It's something
that you take part in
452
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,454
and you witness.
( laughing )
453
00:18:30,522 --> 00:18:33,157
You are--
You are so excited right now
454
00:18:33,224 --> 00:18:35,793
that you get to give
the big speech.
455
00:18:35,861 --> 00:18:39,730
You would love to be
the guy that talks this loser,
456
00:18:39,798 --> 00:18:42,599
who you never think about,
out of suicide
457
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,235
so you could feel
better about yourself.
458
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:47,404
This is not about you, Louie.
459
00:18:47,472 --> 00:18:49,474
It's just me saying goodbye.
460
00:18:49,541 --> 00:18:51,776
It was nice to know you
when I knew you.
461
00:18:51,844 --> 00:18:54,078
No, you're laying this shit
on me because--
462
00:18:54,146 --> 00:18:56,281
She's not welcome in my house.
How do you not want me to let her in the house?
463
00:18:56,348 --> 00:18:58,449
I don't like her when she's in there.
She's the mother of my kids.
464
00:18:58,517 --> 00:19:00,218
I don't care, she's not the mother of my kids!
Oh, come on, man, this is ridiculous!
465
00:19:00,286 --> 00:19:01,820
Whenever she needs...
466
00:19:01,887 --> 00:19:04,356
( chuckling )
467
00:19:18,538 --> 00:19:21,673
Listen, man, I...
468
00:19:21,741 --> 00:19:24,943
I haven't seen you in 20 years.
469
00:19:25,011 --> 00:19:27,946
And you're right,
I don't think much about you.
470
00:19:30,482 --> 00:19:33,584
I hope you don't...
kill yourself.
471
00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:37,187
I really do.
472
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,694
But I gotta go home.
All right.
473
00:19:43,762 --> 00:19:45,729
I gotta pick up my kids
in the morning.
474
00:19:45,797 --> 00:19:47,264
Okay, man.
475
00:19:54,905 --> 00:19:56,272
All right, man.
476
00:19:56,340 --> 00:19:58,141
I'm gonna take the subway, okay?
All right.
477
00:20:00,611 --> 00:20:02,779
Thanks, buddy.
Good luck in Maine, okay?
478
00:20:02,847 --> 00:20:04,281
Thanks.
479
00:20:53,938 --> 00:20:59,271
A little too proud of yourself for just
not being a piece of shit.
480
00:20:59,855 --> 00:21:03,093
If you see somebody in a store
who's got a thing...
481
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,434
Whatever it is...
482
00:21:05,135 --> 00:21:08,530
It's not supposed to be any negative
version of anything of anybody.
483
00:21:08,565 --> 00:21:11,435
They had a creative amount of limbs.
484
00:21:13,681 --> 00:21:16,721
And you saw them and you
just scanned the room.
485
00:21:17,715 --> 00:21:20,013
You didn't go... booh!
You just kept going...
486
00:21:22,246 --> 00:21:22,246
You just kept that ***
487
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:26,294
You didn't go... Aaahhh!!!!
You just kept going.
488
00:21:27,593 --> 00:21:30,853
And then you are like excited,
like, ohh, I am an angel.
489
00:21:33,952 --> 00:21:36,809
There should be a statue
of me in this spot.
490
00:21:37,688 --> 00:21:41,167
Letting that person have the same
just regular day that I had.
491
00:21:43,807 --> 00:21:47,631
Sync by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
492
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:52,231
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