Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,071 --> 00:00:03,470
I feel bad, you know.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:04,938
I'm like that way
as a father, too.
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,946
Like, I have two kids
and I have a responsibility
4
00:00:07,014 --> 00:00:10,049
to stay in shape so I can take
care of 'em, but I don't.
5
00:00:10,117 --> 00:00:13,722
Like, I'm always in
a 48-hour window of diarrhea,
6
00:00:13,789 --> 00:00:15,657
either that I had it
7
00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,761
or I'll be having it...
8
00:00:17,829 --> 00:00:21,601
within 48 hours of
any given moment.
9
00:00:21,668 --> 00:00:25,805
There's always
two diarrheas running up...
10
00:00:25,872 --> 00:00:27,472
along the slide of my life
11
00:00:27,539 --> 00:00:30,108
and I'm in somewhere.
12
00:00:30,175 --> 00:00:33,611
And depending on how--
where in that window I am
13
00:00:33,679 --> 00:00:35,879
dictates how much of a radius
from my home
14
00:00:35,947 --> 00:00:37,481
I'm willing to venture.
15
00:00:40,154 --> 00:00:43,291
Otherwise, I'm having
diarrhea in a public restroom
16
00:00:43,359 --> 00:00:45,227
with my kids standing there
watching me,
17
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,328
'cause they're little.
18
00:00:46,395 --> 00:00:48,096
I can't leave 'em
out in a place.
19
00:00:48,163 --> 00:00:50,164
( crowd laughing )
20
00:00:52,668 --> 00:00:57,405
"Daddy, I don't want you
to have diarrhea !"
21
00:00:57,473 --> 00:00:59,140
Sorry, honey,
you want to go to the aquarium,
22
00:00:59,207 --> 00:01:01,642
this is what happens.
23
00:01:03,444 --> 00:01:04,710
I told you,
let's go to the deli
24
00:01:04,778 --> 00:01:06,245
and buy a "Daily News"
and go home,
25
00:01:06,313 --> 00:01:10,048
but you wanted to get all
fancy and go to the aquarium,
26
00:01:10,116 --> 00:01:13,554
so you gotta watch Daddy shit
water out of his asshole.
27
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,700
Hello, Sunshine Deli.
28
00:01:23,768 --> 00:01:25,971
Hi, can I order some
food for delivery?
29
00:01:26,039 --> 00:01:27,440
Okay, what you want?
30
00:01:27,507 --> 00:01:29,542
Uh, can I get some milk, pase?
31
00:01:29,609 --> 00:01:30,777
2%?
32
00:01:30,844 --> 00:01:32,146
No, whole milk.
33
00:01:32,214 --> 00:01:34,148
Yeah, oh-- 2%.
34
00:01:34,216 --> 00:01:35,417
And OJ.
35
00:01:35,484 --> 00:01:36,652
Pulp?
What?
36
00:01:36,719 --> 00:01:37,620
Pulp?
37
00:01:37,687 --> 00:01:38,787
Sorry?
38
00:01:38,855 --> 00:01:40,156
Pulp?
39
00:01:40,224 --> 00:01:42,092
I... I still don't know.
40
00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:43,260
Pulp?
41
00:01:43,327 --> 00:01:44,895
It's just a noise, I'm sorry.
42
00:01:44,962 --> 00:01:46,898
I just-- Can you please--
Pulp?
43
00:01:46,965 --> 00:01:48,900
Is there a word--
Do you have a synonym?
44
00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:51,002
Pulp, you want OJ with pulp
or without pulp?
45
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,070
Oh.
46
00:01:52,138 --> 00:01:53,605
Yeah, no pulp.
47
00:01:53,673 --> 00:01:54,873
One second.
48
00:01:54,941 --> 00:01:57,176
( speaking foreign language )
49
00:01:57,244 --> 00:01:58,043
( man ) Nah.
50
00:01:58,111 --> 00:01:59,712
Sorry, we don't have.
51
00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:00,946
All right, forget it.
52
00:02:01,014 --> 00:02:02,481
Forget everything or just OJ?
53
00:02:02,548 --> 00:02:04,049
No, just the OJ.
54
00:02:04,116 --> 00:02:05,283
What else you want?
55
00:02:05,351 --> 00:02:06,951
Cream cheese.
56
00:02:07,019 --> 00:02:08,920
The kind with
the pink thing in the--
57
00:02:08,987 --> 00:02:09,987
Yes, I know what kind.
58
00:02:10,055 --> 00:02:11,422
Everybody gets.
59
00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:13,023
Also, do you have apples?
60
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,258
Yes.
61
00:02:14,325 --> 00:02:15,726
And bananas.
62
00:02:15,794 --> 00:02:17,896
How many bananas?
63
00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:19,030
Just a bunch.
64
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,264
How many?
65
00:02:20,332 --> 00:02:21,866
Can you just bring some?
66
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,701
Bananas are loose, my friend.
67
00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:24,835
How many you want?
68
00:02:24,903 --> 00:02:26,103
I don't know, six.
69
00:02:26,171 --> 00:02:27,504
60 bananas.
70
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,306
No, six.
60.
71
00:02:29,373 --> 00:02:30,874
Why are you
hearing extra letters?
72
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,744
Who-- Why would I want--
Who wants 60 bananas?
73
00:02:33,812 --> 00:02:35,679
You want 60 bananas.
74
00:02:35,747 --> 00:02:37,715
No, I don't want 60 bananas.
75
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,518
I...
76
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,854
Just hold on a second, please.
77
00:02:41,922 --> 00:02:42,955
Hello?
78
00:02:43,023 --> 00:02:44,957
( woman sobbing )
79
00:02:45,025 --> 00:02:46,893
Hello, who is this?
80
00:02:46,961 --> 00:02:49,963
( sobbing continues )
81
00:02:50,030 --> 00:02:51,664
Hi, Carleen.
82
00:02:51,732 --> 00:02:53,266
What's the matter?
83
00:02:53,334 --> 00:02:55,535
I just...
84
00:02:55,603 --> 00:02:56,937
I-- I can't--
85
00:02:57,005 --> 00:02:59,941
Okay, just-- Dude, what--
Tell me what happened.
86
00:03:00,009 --> 00:03:03,011
Oh, Louie, I am so sorry
87
00:03:03,079 --> 00:03:05,648
I wasn't a better
big sister to you.
88
00:03:05,715 --> 00:03:07,717
You needed...
89
00:03:07,785 --> 00:03:10,754
someone just to look after you.
90
00:03:10,821 --> 00:03:13,390
It's okay, Carly, just--
91
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:15,559
You know, maybe go to bed.
92
00:03:15,627 --> 00:03:17,895
It's not fair.
93
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:19,330
I should have
looked out for you.
94
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,066
You were just little.
95
00:03:22,935 --> 00:03:24,169
I gotta go.
96
00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:26,004
Do you remember,
there was that--
97
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:29,708
that kid that lived on
the street, Michael?
98
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:30,976
Michael?
99
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,244
Yeah.
100
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,615
He was really nice to me.
101
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:38,251
You know, he was just
a really nice guy.
102
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:42,122
I don't remember him
saying one mean thing.
103
00:03:42,190 --> 00:03:43,590
Do you remember him?
104
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,359
Yes, I remember him.
105
00:03:45,427 --> 00:03:48,195
( sobbing )
106
00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,802
I-- I gotta go.
107
00:03:53,869 --> 00:03:54,936
Louie.
108
00:03:55,004 --> 00:03:56,972
Please, drink
a big glass of water
109
00:03:57,039 --> 00:03:58,573
and you'll feel better, okay?
110
00:03:58,641 --> 00:03:59,641
Bye.
111
00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:00,575
Louie?
112
00:04:05,315 --> 00:04:07,416
Do not answer.
113
00:04:09,519 --> 00:04:10,820
Just don't answer the phone.
114
00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:14,591
( doorbell ringing )
115
00:04:21,199 --> 00:04:22,432
Sunshine Deli.
116
00:04:22,552 --> 00:04:31,758
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
117
00:04:31,878 --> 00:04:34,680
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
118
00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:39,718
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
119
00:04:41,287 --> 00:04:44,522
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
120
00:04:46,059 --> 00:04:48,727
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
121
00:04:50,563 --> 00:04:53,699
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
122
00:04:55,302 --> 00:04:58,404
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
123
00:04:59,873 --> 00:05:03,109
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
124
00:05:04,678 --> 00:05:07,747
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
125
00:05:09,282 --> 00:05:11,917
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie,
Louie... ♪
126
00:05:34,972 --> 00:05:37,941
( Louie )
I-- I don't know who made the rules
127
00:05:38,008 --> 00:05:41,644
for how you're supposed to act
when you meet people.
128
00:05:41,712 --> 00:05:44,012
I don't know why it is
every time I meet somebody,
129
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,914
they turn out to be crazy.
130
00:05:45,982 --> 00:05:47,482
Like, I was in New York
last week and this--
131
00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:49,117
( women laughing loudly )
132
00:05:51,353 --> 00:05:53,454
Uh...
133
00:05:53,522 --> 00:05:56,524
Is anybody listening
to my voice right now?
134
00:05:56,592 --> 00:05:59,728
Is anybody actually paying
attention?
135
00:05:59,796 --> 00:06:01,363
Come on, folks.
136
00:06:01,431 --> 00:06:03,365
Just give me a chance.
137
00:06:03,433 --> 00:06:05,501
I-- I understand
why you're here.
138
00:06:05,568 --> 00:06:07,369
You lost money at the tables
139
00:06:07,437 --> 00:06:09,304
and now they get you
free tickets to this
140
00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:10,639
so that you
wouldn't kill yourself.
141
00:06:10,707 --> 00:06:13,076
Sir, please don't go
gamble more, don't!
142
00:06:13,143 --> 00:06:14,978
Don't do it!
143
00:06:15,045 --> 00:06:16,579
Don't do--
Don't go to the--
144
00:06:16,646 --> 00:06:18,114
Don't play blackjack!
145
00:06:18,182 --> 00:06:19,516
Can we close that door
to the casino?
146
00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:20,884
Is there any way--
147
00:06:20,951 --> 00:06:23,054
Please, can we close that door
to the casino?
148
00:06:25,424 --> 00:06:27,225
Folks, why are you giving
your mon*** to Donald Trump?
149
00:06:27,293 --> 00:06:28,626
Why would you do that?
150
00:06:28,694 --> 00:06:30,394
He's a billionaire
and you--
151
00:06:30,462 --> 00:06:33,231
Come on, you work
hard for your money.
152
00:06:33,299 --> 00:06:36,267
And he has billions of dollars
and you're giving him--
153
00:06:36,335 --> 00:06:38,035
You came here on a shitty bus
154
00:06:38,103 --> 00:06:40,204
to give Donald Trump your 75¢.
155
00:06:40,272 --> 00:06:41,505
You give him your money
156
00:06:41,573 --> 00:06:43,774
and all you get is
tickets to this show
157
00:06:43,842 --> 00:06:46,043
and I'm not even funny,
so how is that--
158
00:06:46,111 --> 00:06:48,579
( crowd applause )
Oh, oh, thank you.
159
00:06:48,647 --> 00:06:50,948
Yeah, thank you.
160
00:06:51,016 --> 00:06:53,918
Now you're united as a people
in hatred of me.
161
00:06:53,986 --> 00:06:56,086
That's nice.
162
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,721
Well, ( bleep ) you people.
163
00:06:57,789 --> 00:06:59,389
How does that sound,
how does that grab you?
164
00:06:59,456 --> 00:07:01,090
No, come on, I'm sorry.
165
00:07:01,158 --> 00:07:02,224
I'm sorry.
166
00:07:02,292 --> 00:07:03,192
I'm really sorry.
167
00:07:05,328 --> 00:07:06,928
( man ) It says right here:
168
00:07:06,996 --> 00:07:09,998
"You will not disparage
the casino,
169
00:07:10,065 --> 00:07:12,299
"you will not
make jokes about gambling,
170
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,902
"disparaging gambling,
171
00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:17,905
"you will not disparage
Donald Trump,
172
00:07:17,972 --> 00:07:21,842
"you will not act in a rude
manner toward the audience,
173
00:07:21,910 --> 00:07:23,577
"you will not
use the F-word,
174
00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:25,913
"the N-word or the D-word.
175
00:07:25,981 --> 00:07:28,482
You will not leave the stage--"
Wait, wait, wait, what's-- what's the--
176
00:07:28,550 --> 00:07:30,017
What's the D-word?
177
00:07:32,621 --> 00:07:34,589
I don't know, but you've
used the F-word
178
00:07:34,656 --> 00:07:35,823
and you did all
these other things.
179
00:07:35,891 --> 00:07:37,658
Yeah, but you guys
don't police the room.
180
00:07:37,726 --> 00:07:38,926
You don't do anything
to control it.
181
00:07:38,994 --> 00:07:40,895
People come walking in,
they're talking,
182
00:07:40,962 --> 00:07:42,963
they walk out
in the middle of the show.
183
00:07:43,031 --> 00:07:44,499
You don't even close the door
to the casino.
184
00:07:44,566 --> 00:07:46,367
We can't close the door, see.
185
00:07:46,435 --> 00:07:48,736
We only make money
when they're on the floor.
186
00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:50,938
Every minute they're in your
show, we're not making money.
187
00:07:51,006 --> 00:07:53,007
Well, then why am I even here?
188
00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:56,144
Gives the people
something to do.
189
00:07:56,212 --> 00:07:57,412
You know, you guys have
a nice theater here.
190
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,047
Why don't you
put me in the theater?
191
00:07:59,114 --> 00:08:00,815
I would do great in there.
You don't draw a crowd here.
192
00:08:00,883 --> 00:08:03,352
I do, I draw!
193
00:08:03,419 --> 00:08:05,954
I was just in Chicago,
I sold out 1,200 seats.
194
00:08:06,022 --> 00:08:07,255
Well, that's Chicago.
195
00:08:07,323 --> 00:08:09,424
They got all those people.
196
00:08:09,492 --> 00:08:12,160
You're a comic's-comic type.
197
00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:14,061
They come out for you.
198
00:08:14,129 --> 00:08:16,531
Here, that's not worth a thing.
199
00:08:16,599 --> 00:08:17,498
( sighing )
200
00:08:17,566 --> 00:08:19,367
Look...
201
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:21,235
you're a nice guy.
202
00:08:21,303 --> 00:08:23,737
I'm not into being punitive.
203
00:08:23,805 --> 00:08:25,305
But I need you to promise me
204
00:08:25,373 --> 00:08:27,407
that you won't break
any of these rules,
205
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,576
or I'm gonna have to fire you.
206
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:32,377
Well, you know what,
you better fire me.
207
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,545
'Cause I can't
get through the weekend
208
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:36,482
if I can't say how much
I hate it.
209
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,217
All right.
210
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,552
I'll put in your release.
211
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:40,820
Keep the room tonight,
you go home tomorrow.
212
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,222
All right, thank you.
213
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,491
I don't know why
214
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,426
you just don't want to
keep your mouth shut
215
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,661
and keep the money.
216
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,732
I don't know, either.
217
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:06,947
( speaking French )
218
00:09:40,527 --> 00:09:41,894
( woman ) ... do a nude picture
and she wouldn't do it,
219
00:09:41,962 --> 00:09:44,630
and she should do it
because women's breasts drop.
220
00:09:44,698 --> 00:09:46,999
Women's bodies drop,
goddamn it.
221
00:09:47,066 --> 00:09:48,633
It's-- it's so unfair.
222
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,835
Oh, oh, wait, just you wait.
223
00:09:50,903 --> 00:09:53,138
Without a brassiere, this is how
I go to the bathroom at night.
224
00:09:53,205 --> 00:09:57,175
( crowd laughing )
225
00:09:57,243 --> 00:09:59,678
Without a brassiere, I could
nurse China from the bedroom.
226
00:09:59,746 --> 00:10:01,747
You have no idea.
227
00:10:01,815 --> 00:10:03,215
Everything-- My ass--
228
00:10:03,283 --> 00:10:05,485
I thought a stagehand
pinched me, he stepped on it.
229
00:10:05,552 --> 00:10:07,420
Everything...
230
00:10:07,488 --> 00:10:09,656
And vaginas drop.
231
00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:11,358
Vaginas drop, yes.
232
00:10:11,426 --> 00:10:12,759
Yes, I had no idea.
233
00:10:12,827 --> 00:10:14,160
I woke up
six years ago, I said,
234
00:10:14,228 --> 00:10:16,229
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper ?"
235
00:10:16,297 --> 00:10:17,264
And...
236
00:10:17,331 --> 00:10:21,501
( crowd laughing )
237
00:10:21,569 --> 00:10:24,203
And why is it gray?
238
00:10:26,506 --> 00:10:28,440
Vagin--
And no one tells you.
239
00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:30,074
If my mother had said to me,
240
00:10:30,142 --> 00:10:31,609
"Joan, your vagina's
gonna drop,"
241
00:10:31,677 --> 00:10:33,177
I would have said, "Great."
242
00:10:33,245 --> 00:10:35,113
If she'd have said,
"Joan, when you get older,
243
00:10:35,181 --> 00:10:36,347
"your vagina's gonna drop,
244
00:10:36,415 --> 00:10:37,715
"but this is a good thing,
245
00:10:37,783 --> 00:10:39,517
"because you can still have sex
in the bedroom
246
00:10:39,585 --> 00:10:40,785
and watch TV
in the living room,"
247
00:10:40,853 --> 00:10:41,987
I would have gone, "Okay."
248
00:10:43,623 --> 00:10:46,091
Well, men's bodies drop,
too, so ha-ha-ha.
249
00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:47,793
You put a man over 50--
I'm gonna show you.
250
00:10:47,861 --> 00:10:48,928
Who's over 50 here?
251
00:10:48,995 --> 00:10:50,062
I'm gonna show you.
252
00:10:50,130 --> 00:10:52,498
I am gonna show you.
253
00:10:52,566 --> 00:10:54,967
Their balls-- You sit a man
over 50 on the toilet,
254
00:10:55,035 --> 00:10:57,035
it looks like he's
making a cup of tea.
255
00:10:57,103 --> 00:10:58,403
And-- Yes!
256
00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:00,438
( crowd laughing )
257
00:11:04,109 --> 00:11:08,346
( cheers and applause )
258
00:11:10,950 --> 00:11:12,316
( woman ) Will you sign this for me?
( Joan ) Absolutely.
259
00:11:12,384 --> 00:11:13,984
Thanks so much.
260
00:11:14,052 --> 00:11:15,886
You're very funny.
Thank you.
261
00:11:15,954 --> 00:11:17,755
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
262
00:11:17,823 --> 00:11:19,090
Thank you very, very much.
263
00:11:19,157 --> 00:11:20,891
Okay.
264
00:11:20,959 --> 00:11:22,426
Hi.
Hello.
265
00:11:22,494 --> 00:11:24,494
Can I get a picture?
Abso-- Sure, of course.
266
00:11:24,562 --> 00:11:25,528
Do you want to be in it?
267
00:11:25,596 --> 00:11:27,230
Do you want to take it for us?
268
00:11:27,297 --> 00:11:28,831
Here, come on in, be in it,
be in it.
269
00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:29,999
That's the whole point.
270
00:11:30,066 --> 00:11:31,200
Here we go.
271
00:11:31,268 --> 00:11:32,835
Smile.
272
00:11:32,903 --> 00:11:34,036
Good.
273
00:11:34,104 --> 00:11:35,804
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
274
00:11:35,872 --> 00:11:37,506
Pleasure, thank you,
no problem.
275
00:11:37,574 --> 00:11:38,708
Do you have any Purell?
276
00:11:38,775 --> 00:11:39,776
Yes, ma'am.
277
00:11:39,843 --> 00:11:41,310
Hey, Joan.
Hi.
278
00:11:41,378 --> 00:11:43,512
Hi, my name's Louie,
I'm a comic.
279
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:45,914
Yeah, I know, I know, I've
seen you, you're very funny.
280
00:11:45,982 --> 00:11:47,282
Oh, thanks.
I saw you on cable.
281
00:11:47,350 --> 00:11:48,450
Thank you.
282
00:11:48,518 --> 00:11:49,919
Well, I saw--
I'm playing the lounge here
283
00:11:49,987 --> 00:11:52,122
and I saw your show
and I'm-- I just--
284
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:53,957
It's-- You were
so good tonight and--
285
00:11:54,025 --> 00:11:55,225
Thank you.
286
00:11:55,293 --> 00:11:57,127
It's nice hearing that
from young comics.
287
00:11:57,195 --> 00:11:58,929
And even somebody your age.
I just want you to know, I think you're great.
288
00:11:58,997 --> 00:12:00,832
- I just have-- always have
thought you were great. - Thank you.
289
00:12:00,899 --> 00:12:02,267
Good, so...
290
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:03,635
It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
291
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:05,070
Okay.
292
00:12:05,138 --> 00:12:06,104
You want to hang out?
293
00:12:06,172 --> 00:12:08,307
You want to talk, gossip?
294
00:12:08,375 --> 00:12:09,475
Got any good gossip?
295
00:12:09,542 --> 00:12:11,410
Shop?
I would love that.
296
00:12:11,478 --> 00:12:12,978
Good, all right.
That would be great.
297
00:12:13,046 --> 00:12:15,480
You know what, meet me upstairs
in my suite, if you would.
298
00:12:15,548 --> 00:12:17,282
'Cause I don't like to
drink in front of everybody.
299
00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:18,450
Sure.
Okay?
300
00:12:18,518 --> 00:12:19,384
Come have a drink
and we'll talk.
301
00:12:19,452 --> 00:12:20,552
Okay, thanks.
Great.
302
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:21,620
Great.
303
00:12:21,688 --> 00:12:22,989
What's...
her room number?
304
00:12:23,056 --> 00:12:24,157
Gonna be in room 3-A.
Okay.
305
00:12:28,028 --> 00:12:29,028
( knocking )
306
00:12:30,497 --> 00:12:32,399
Coming, coming.
307
00:12:35,903 --> 00:12:37,504
Good, you found it.
( Louie ) Hi.
308
00:12:37,571 --> 00:12:39,372
( Joan ) Hi, nice to see you.
309
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,174
Go on in.
Okay.
310
00:12:41,242 --> 00:12:42,709
Wow.
311
00:12:42,777 --> 00:12:44,310
Yeah, it's nice, huh?
Yeah.
312
00:12:44,378 --> 00:12:46,046
Cher had this place,
she slept here.
313
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,014
Madonna, Bette Midler.
314
00:12:48,082 --> 00:12:50,283
And believe me, I know, 'cause
they don't change the sheets.
315
00:12:50,351 --> 00:12:51,751
( laughing ) Sit down.
316
00:12:51,819 --> 00:12:53,052
Okay.
317
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,287
Would you like
something to drink?
318
00:12:54,355 --> 00:12:55,488
Yeah, whatever you're having.
319
00:12:55,556 --> 00:12:56,656
Okay.
320
00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:57,824
I'm always-- I always have
a little vodka,
321
00:12:57,892 --> 00:12:58,725
if you don't mind.
322
00:12:58,793 --> 00:13:00,027
Sure.
323
00:13:00,094 --> 00:13:01,261
Tell me when.
324
00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:05,499
That's-- Right there's good.
Good.
325
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:06,433
And...
326
00:13:08,869 --> 00:13:11,038
Okay.
327
00:13:11,105 --> 00:13:12,506
And...
328
00:13:15,076 --> 00:13:16,210
To comedy.
329
00:13:16,278 --> 00:13:17,478
Thank you very much.
330
00:13:17,545 --> 00:13:19,046
So...
331
00:13:19,114 --> 00:13:20,782
you're in the lounge.
332
00:13:20,849 --> 00:13:22,383
I was.
333
00:13:22,451 --> 00:13:23,918
You were fired?
334
00:13:23,986 --> 00:13:26,121
I quit.
335
00:13:26,188 --> 00:13:27,389
What do you mean you quit?
336
00:13:27,456 --> 00:13:29,791
Nobody quits.
I quit.
337
00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:31,926
Are you crazy?
338
00:13:31,994 --> 00:13:34,062
Are you a trust-fund baby
that you quit?
339
00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:36,331
No, it's just
that they got upset
340
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,199
'cause I was saying stuff
about the casino
341
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:39,767
and I was making
fun of Trump and...
342
00:13:39,835 --> 00:13:42,202
You're in a Trump hotel.
343
00:13:42,270 --> 00:13:44,271
You don't make fun of
the owner of the hotel.
344
00:13:44,339 --> 00:13:45,806
Are you crazy?
345
00:13:45,874 --> 00:13:47,541
He's not gonna hire a comedian
that's gonna say,
346
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,510
"( bleep) Donald Trump."
347
00:13:49,577 --> 00:13:51,078
I know, but I-- I--
348
00:13:51,146 --> 00:13:53,848
Y'know, this is not
an easy business.
349
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,918
I mean, you want to
try my life sometimes?
350
00:13:56,986 --> 00:13:59,421
I work in Arizona,
how about that?
351
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:01,857
And Indian casinos,
you think that's easy?
352
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,225
You tell a joke,
they don't like it,
353
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:05,428
instead of a tomato,
they throw a tomahawk?
354
00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:06,863
What do you expect?
355
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:07,997
I mean, you got a job.
356
00:14:08,065 --> 00:14:10,066
How lucky are you,
for goodness sakes?
357
00:14:10,134 --> 00:14:11,201
Yeah, but come on.
358
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:12,768
You're in the nice
theater here.
359
00:14:12,836 --> 00:14:14,337
They got me in
the shitty lounge.
360
00:14:14,405 --> 00:14:18,040
I was in the shitty lounge,
sweetie puss, two years ago.
361
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,142
For all I know, I'll be
back in the shitty lounge
362
00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:21,443
two years from now
363
00:14:21,511 --> 00:14:22,844
and you'll be in the main room.
364
00:14:22,912 --> 00:14:23,912
Things change.
365
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,680
That's the business.
366
00:14:25,748 --> 00:14:27,148
Look at the perks
you're getting.
367
00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:29,250
You've got a job.
368
00:14:29,318 --> 00:14:31,452
You got a card
for the free food
369
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,689
in the employee cafeteria.
370
00:14:33,756 --> 00:14:35,724
I mean, stop bitching
and go buy yourself
371
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:38,060
a pocketbook that's
lined in plastic
372
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:39,963
and throw food in
when they're not looking.
373
00:14:40,031 --> 00:14:41,431
Yeah, great.
374
00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:43,366
You know what's
wrong with you guys?
375
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,570
You don't know when
you're lucky.
376
00:14:45,637 --> 00:14:48,439
Appreciate where you are,
for God's sakes.
377
00:14:48,507 --> 00:14:50,942
It goes up, it goes down.
378
00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:53,678
I thought I had
the lock on old.
379
00:14:53,746 --> 00:14:55,113
Lock on old.
380
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:56,481
And then guess what?
381
00:14:56,548 --> 00:14:58,783
Back from the dead,
Betty White.
382
00:14:58,851 --> 00:15:01,853
Dusted off her old dumb tits
and trotted 'em out.
383
00:15:01,921 --> 00:15:03,488
It could happen to you.
384
00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:04,789
You think you're doing so well
385
00:15:04,857 --> 00:15:05,923
insulting what's-his-name,
386
00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:08,492
"Dane Clark" guy, that asshole?
387
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,362
He can come out
and take a job from you.
388
00:15:11,429 --> 00:15:13,264
Know when you're lucky.
389
00:15:13,331 --> 00:15:14,232
Yeah, I know.
390
00:15:14,299 --> 00:15:15,700
I mean, I know all that.
391
00:15:15,768 --> 00:15:18,069
It's just that sometimes
I get sick of the bullshit.
392
00:15:18,137 --> 00:15:19,972
Sick of the bullshit?
393
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,241
What is your problem?
394
00:15:22,309 --> 00:15:24,210
I am a million years old.
395
00:15:24,278 --> 00:15:25,578
Do you know
what I've been through?
396
00:15:25,646 --> 00:15:27,514
I've been in this business for
a million and two years
397
00:15:27,581 --> 00:15:29,149
and I'm a woman.
398
00:15:29,216 --> 00:15:30,316
I'm a woman!
399
00:15:30,384 --> 00:15:31,885
It's not easy to--
400
00:15:31,952 --> 00:15:34,120
Do you know how many
blow jobs I had to give
401
00:15:34,188 --> 00:15:35,755
to get where I am now?
402
00:15:35,822 --> 00:15:37,656
Come on, give me-- give me
a number, give me a number.
403
00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:40,459
How many blow jobs did it
take for Joan Rivers
404
00:15:40,527 --> 00:15:42,561
to end up in a suite
with lots of flowers?
405
00:15:42,629 --> 00:15:44,997
I don't want to guess that.
Guess, come on.
406
00:15:45,065 --> 00:15:47,166
To go from clubs to
Carson and Carson to Fox
407
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:49,869
and my own show on daytime,
an Emmy,
408
00:15:49,936 --> 00:15:51,737
and then the red carpet.
409
00:15:51,805 --> 00:15:53,672
Give me a number, give me a--
I don't want to guess.
410
00:15:53,740 --> 00:15:55,941
And then with Melissa, now I
have my own show with Melissa.
411
00:15:56,009 --> 00:15:58,043
Give me a number--
guess, guess, come on.
412
00:15:58,111 --> 00:15:59,645
Give me a number, guess, guess,
guess, guess, guess.
413
00:15:59,712 --> 00:16:01,046
I want to hear a number.
414
00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,616
40?
415
00:16:04,684 --> 00:16:07,519
Excuse me?
416
00:16:07,586 --> 00:16:09,487
Around 40?
417
00:16:09,555 --> 00:16:10,688
What the...
418
00:16:10,756 --> 00:16:12,056
How ( bleep ) dare you?
419
00:16:12,124 --> 00:16:14,025
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I have never--
420
00:16:14,093 --> 00:16:15,426
What are you talking about ?!
421
00:16:15,494 --> 00:16:16,861
I'm sorry!
I haven't given any!
422
00:16:16,929 --> 00:16:18,429
None!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
423
00:16:18,497 --> 00:16:19,330
None-- Oh, don't you be sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
424
00:16:19,398 --> 00:16:20,565
I don't do blow jobs!
425
00:16:20,633 --> 00:16:21,366
I got here on--
426
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:22,900
Smell my breath!
427
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:25,236
I don't do blow jobs!
Okay, I'm sorry!
428
00:16:25,304 --> 00:16:27,004
That's not what gets you
places in this business,
429
00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:29,407
for God's sakes.
430
00:16:29,475 --> 00:16:31,175
God ! I thought you were
saying it was a lot.
431
00:16:31,243 --> 00:16:32,543
I'm sorry.
432
00:16:32,610 --> 00:16:35,179
Don't talk to me anymore for
a second, for God's sake.
433
00:16:35,246 --> 00:16:36,646
I'm sorry.
434
00:16:36,714 --> 00:16:37,581
Listen.
435
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:38,748
I'm a mother.
436
00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:40,617
Are you a mother?
437
00:16:40,684 --> 00:16:41,918
No, I'm not a mother.
438
00:16:41,986 --> 00:16:43,586
Yeah, well, I thought you were,
the way you whine
439
00:16:43,654 --> 00:16:45,421
like an old bitch
with fat twins.
440
00:16:45,489 --> 00:16:46,823
That's what you whine like.
441
00:16:46,891 --> 00:16:47,991
My God.
442
00:16:48,058 --> 00:16:49,559
You listen to me.
443
00:16:49,627 --> 00:16:51,428
I have done it all.
444
00:16:51,496 --> 00:16:52,729
I've done it all.
445
00:16:52,797 --> 00:16:55,132
And the only
thing I've learned,
446
00:16:55,199 --> 00:16:57,000
the only thing I've learned is,
447
00:16:57,068 --> 00:16:58,869
you don't quit.
448
00:16:58,936 --> 00:17:00,403
You don't quit.
449
00:17:00,471 --> 00:17:01,838
You have a job,
for God's sakes.
450
00:17:01,906 --> 00:17:04,007
You don't quit a job.
451
00:17:05,777 --> 00:17:07,711
You're right.
Of course I'm right.
452
00:17:07,779 --> 00:17:09,346
Listen, you'll be fine.
453
00:17:09,414 --> 00:17:11,148
You'll be absolutely fine.
454
00:17:11,216 --> 00:17:13,517
Tomorrow morning,
you just go downstairs
455
00:17:13,585 --> 00:17:15,419
and you go tell Sam--
456
00:17:15,487 --> 00:17:17,454
it is still Sam, right?
457
00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:19,790
I don't--
I don't remember his name.
458
00:17:19,857 --> 00:17:21,525
What do you mean you don't
remember his name?
459
00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:24,227
You work for the guy,
you gotta know the guy's name.
460
00:17:24,295 --> 00:17:27,631
How can you work for someone
and not know their name?
461
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,699
You think you only
meet these people once?
462
00:17:29,767 --> 00:17:32,703
You gotta learn their names,
for God's sakes.
463
00:17:32,770 --> 00:17:34,371
You learn their
names on the way up
464
00:17:34,439 --> 00:17:35,672
so when you need their help
on the way down,
465
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:37,007
you have the name.
466
00:17:37,075 --> 00:17:38,008
His name is Sam.
467
00:17:38,076 --> 00:17:39,410
I think his name is Sam.
468
00:17:39,478 --> 00:17:42,580
His name is Sam
and he is a person.
469
00:17:42,648 --> 00:17:44,516
Tomorrow morning,
you go down there
470
00:17:44,584 --> 00:17:48,354
and you say, "Sam, I'm sorry,
I was wrong."
471
00:17:48,422 --> 00:17:50,156
That's important.
472
00:17:50,223 --> 00:17:52,658
"I want my job back."
473
00:17:52,726 --> 00:17:54,827
Okay, all right.
474
00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:57,063
Listen.
475
00:17:57,131 --> 00:17:58,765
I wish I could
tell you it gets better,
476
00:17:58,833 --> 00:18:02,569
but... it doesn't
get better.
477
00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:05,138
You get better.
478
00:18:05,206 --> 00:18:06,773
Think it's been easy?
479
00:18:06,841 --> 00:18:08,842
I've gone up, I've gone down,
480
00:18:08,910 --> 00:18:12,379
I've been bankrupt,
I've been broke.
481
00:18:12,447 --> 00:18:17,953
But you do it,
and you do it because...
482
00:18:18,021 --> 00:18:21,891
because we love it more
than anything else.
483
00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:23,926
That's why you're doing it.
484
00:18:23,994 --> 00:18:26,295
If you want a real job, honey,
485
00:18:26,363 --> 00:18:28,598
there are a million
things you can do,
486
00:18:28,665 --> 00:18:32,301
but what we do is not a job.
487
00:18:32,369 --> 00:18:35,037
Sounds so stupid.
488
00:18:35,105 --> 00:18:38,607
What we do...
489
00:18:38,675 --> 00:18:41,910
is a calling, my dear.
490
00:18:41,978 --> 00:18:45,046
We make people happy.
491
00:18:45,114 --> 00:18:46,581
It's a calling.
492
00:18:51,453 --> 00:18:53,187
What-- What the--
What are you doing--
493
00:18:53,255 --> 00:18:54,789
Are you craz--
Are you craz--
494
00:18:54,856 --> 00:18:56,924
Get away from me, you stupid ass!
I'm sorry!
495
00:18:56,992 --> 00:18:58,493
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Sorry?
496
00:18:58,561 --> 00:19:00,095
Sorry-- I'm older
than your grandmother!
497
00:19:00,162 --> 00:19:01,096
What, are you crazy?
498
00:19:01,163 --> 00:19:03,198
I got--
I just got carried away.
499
00:19:03,266 --> 00:19:04,666
God almighty!
500
00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:06,368
I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.
501
00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:08,671
It's all right, it's okay,
it's all right, fine.
502
00:19:08,739 --> 00:19:09,773
Okay.
503
00:19:11,976 --> 00:19:13,276
It's all right, it's accepted.
504
00:19:21,684 --> 00:19:22,817
( sighing )
505
00:19:22,885 --> 00:19:24,085
What the hell.
506
00:19:24,152 --> 00:19:25,219
Come on.
507
00:19:27,155 --> 00:19:29,023
But don't you dare tell anybody.
No, no.
508
00:19:29,090 --> 00:19:30,958
I mean, it's for your sake,
not for mine.
509
00:19:31,026 --> 00:19:33,160
Nobody likes necrophiliacs, okay?
All right.
510
00:19:33,228 --> 00:19:35,396
And if you meet Melissa,
nothing.
511
00:19:35,464 --> 00:19:37,065
She still thinks I'm a virgin.
512
00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:40,536
I swear, she thinks she popped
out of me one Easter.
513
00:19:40,603 --> 00:19:43,506
Oh, and...
no staying over.
514
00:19:43,574 --> 00:19:45,542
That's fine.
515
00:19:45,609 --> 00:19:46,743
Fine?
516
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:47,744
No, I just mean I--
517
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,179
Yeah, fine, whatever.
Okay.
518
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:57,407
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
519
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,947
Hey, Sam!
520
00:20:03,997 --> 00:20:08,547
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35618
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof