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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:17,091
♪ Louie, Louie Louie, louaaa ♪
3
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,896
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
4
00:00:23,465 --> 00:00:26,634
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
5
00:00:28,036 --> 00:00:30,971
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
6
00:00:30,972 --> 00:00:40,972
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:50,491
( crowd applauding )
8
00:00:50,559 --> 00:00:52,159
Thank you.
9
00:00:52,227 --> 00:00:54,395
Thank you, everybody.
10
00:00:54,462 --> 00:00:55,629
Nice to be here.
11
00:00:55,697 --> 00:00:56,931
I feel pretty good today.
12
00:00:56,998 --> 00:00:58,332
You know why I feel good?
13
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:01,669
'cause I-- finally, I have
the body that I want,
14
00:01:01,736 --> 00:01:04,171
And that's a thing
people really covet.
15
00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:06,407
It's a hard thing to achieve,
and I did.
16
00:01:06,474 --> 00:01:07,942
And I'm gonna tell you how
17
00:01:08,009 --> 00:01:10,644
To have exactly
the body that you want.
18
00:01:10,712 --> 00:01:12,646
You just have to want...
19
00:01:12,714 --> 00:01:14,315
A shitty body.
20
00:01:14,382 --> 00:01:16,216
That's all it is.
21
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,786
You have to want
your own shitty,
22
00:01:18,853 --> 00:01:22,923
Ugly... Disgusting body.
23
00:01:28,063 --> 00:01:30,364
I don't, though, like being
those things all the time.
24
00:01:30,432 --> 00:01:34,101
I get really sweaty
all the time.
25
00:01:34,169 --> 00:01:36,770
I-- and that's
also bad for sex,
26
00:01:36,838 --> 00:01:38,005
'cause I just sweat--
27
00:01:38,073 --> 00:01:41,475
I just rain sweat
all over people.
28
00:01:41,543 --> 00:01:42,743
Like, I'm like, "oh !"
29
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:43,844
And that's what I'm like
when I have sex.
30
00:01:43,912 --> 00:01:45,479
I go, "uhhh!
31
00:01:45,547 --> 00:01:47,314
"uhhh!
32
00:01:47,382 --> 00:01:50,417
Uhhh !"
33
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:53,020
And I always see her
and she's like, just--
34
00:01:53,088 --> 00:01:56,890
Just sweat is pouring off my
head and she's like,
35
00:01:56,958 --> 00:01:59,960
"dude, you're limiting
my enjoyment by a lot."
36
00:02:00,028 --> 00:02:02,262
( crowd laughing )
37
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,098
N ) no.
38
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:07,434
Well, then you can
call for an appointment.
39
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,669
The results from that test
40
00:02:08,737 --> 00:02:10,170
Don't come in until tomorrow.
41
00:02:13,441 --> 00:02:14,942
No, I have no way
of knowing the results
42
00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,945
Before they get here.
43
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:19,246
Yes?
44
00:02:19,314 --> 00:02:22,583
I'm here to see Ben,
Dr. Mitchell.
45
00:02:22,651 --> 00:02:24,084
Okay, what time
is your appointment
46
00:02:24,152 --> 00:02:26,020
And what is your name?
47
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:29,223
My name's Louie c.K. And he
said to be here around 2:00.
48
00:02:29,290 --> 00:02:30,524
"he said"?
49
00:02:30,592 --> 00:02:32,259
The doctor doesn't
make appointments.
50
00:02:32,327 --> 00:02:33,661
Oh, well, see, I know him.
51
00:02:33,728 --> 00:02:35,596
We-- I used to-- we went to
high school together
52
00:02:35,664 --> 00:02:37,665
And I talked to
him on the phone.
53
00:02:37,732 --> 00:02:38,899
He said that I could come by.
54
00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:40,434
He didn't put
your name in the book
55
00:02:40,502 --> 00:02:43,370
And he didn't tell me, so you
don't have an appointment.
56
00:02:43,438 --> 00:02:44,705
Can you check with him?
57
00:02:44,773 --> 00:02:47,041
He's with a patient.
58
00:02:47,108 --> 00:02:48,409
Okay, well,
I'll just wait and--
59
00:02:48,476 --> 00:02:52,079
Sir, you don't have
an appointment.
60
00:02:52,147 --> 00:02:53,714
Yeah, no, I get that,
61
00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:56,316
But can you just let me wait
until he comes out and--
62
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:57,885
You can't just sit in here
63
00:02:57,952 --> 00:02:59,453
If you don't
have an appointment.
64
00:02:59,521 --> 00:03:01,855
Do people, like, come here
and steal medical treatment?
65
00:03:01,923 --> 00:03:03,290
Do they steal it from you?
66
00:03:03,358 --> 00:03:04,792
Is that what happens?
67
00:03:04,859 --> 00:03:06,260
'cause why can't you
just let me wait--
68
00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:07,661
( men )
so just keep up that regime
69
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,863
And you will start feeling
better very soon.
70
00:03:09,931 --> 00:03:11,899
Thanks, doctor.
No problem.
71
00:03:11,966 --> 00:03:13,767
Hey, Ben, how you doing?
72
00:03:15,637 --> 00:03:17,771
You told me to come by,
remember?
73
00:03:17,839 --> 00:03:19,540
Do I know you?
74
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,376
( snickering ) uh...
75
00:03:22,444 --> 00:03:23,277
Come through.
76
00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:24,478
It's fine, Priscilla.
77
00:03:27,716 --> 00:03:29,316
Louie c.K.
Hey, listen, I didn't mean to
78
00:03:29,384 --> 00:03:31,285
Jump ahead of that woman
if she was waiting.
79
00:03:31,352 --> 00:03:32,653
Don't worry, she's...
80
00:03:32,721 --> 00:03:33,921
She's dying.
81
00:03:33,988 --> 00:03:35,456
Yeah, no hope--
really sad.
82
00:03:35,523 --> 00:03:37,057
She has cancer
83
00:03:37,125 --> 00:03:39,259
From her vagina up to
her eyeballs.
84
00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:45,232
So I'm just squeezing her for
a little extra insurance money
85
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,934
Man, that's not funny.
86
00:03:47,001 --> 00:03:49,336
Oh, God, how are you?
87
00:03:49,404 --> 00:03:50,571
I'm, uh--
88
00:03:50,638 --> 00:03:52,005
I feel like shit.
89
00:03:52,073 --> 00:03:53,941
Feel like shit?
90
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:55,909
Are you sure you feel
like shit and not diarrhea?
91
00:03:55,977 --> 00:03:57,344
'cause you look like diarrhea.
92
00:03:57,412 --> 00:03:58,479
It looks like
someone poured diarrhea
93
00:03:58,546 --> 00:04:00,114
Into a face-shaped mold.
94
00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:01,648
( chuckling ) could you stop?
95
00:04:01,716 --> 00:04:02,816
'cause I really am--
I'm worried.
96
00:04:02,884 --> 00:04:03,851
I don't know what's up with me.
97
00:04:03,918 --> 00:04:05,486
Look up.
Okay.
98
00:04:09,724 --> 00:04:10,991
I know what's wrong with you.
What?
99
00:04:11,059 --> 00:04:11,892
Aids.
100
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,794
( cackling )
101
00:04:15,730 --> 00:04:17,297
I can't believe
you're a doctor.
102
00:04:17,365 --> 00:04:18,499
Strip down to your underpants.
103
00:04:18,566 --> 00:04:21,101
Let's take a look at you.
104
00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:22,736
Let's take a look at you.
105
00:04:26,908 --> 00:04:28,609
Jesus.
106
00:04:28,676 --> 00:04:30,110
That is-- you don't
need a doctor,
107
00:04:30,178 --> 00:04:31,678
You need a time machine.
108
00:04:31,746 --> 00:04:32,880
Did no one tell you that tits
109
00:04:32,947 --> 00:04:34,414
Are meant to be on women,
not men?
110
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:36,150
What is that?
Come on, man.
111
00:04:36,217 --> 00:04:37,684
( giggling )
this is a nightmare.
112
00:04:37,752 --> 00:04:39,586
Get up here.
113
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,221
Oh, dear.
114
00:04:41,289 --> 00:04:42,823
Okay.
115
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,958
Take a deep breath and hold it.
116
00:04:45,026 --> 00:04:46,293
( inhaling )
117
00:04:46,361 --> 00:04:47,728
So how do you feel, really?
118
00:04:47,796 --> 00:04:49,463
Apart from the tumor I can
hear in your lungs?
119
00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:52,399
( cackling )
120
00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:53,734
You're an asshole.
121
00:04:53,802 --> 00:04:55,235
Strip all the way down.
122
00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:03,010
Oh, God, Louie.
123
00:05:03,077 --> 00:05:05,479
How can-- that is...
124
00:05:05,547 --> 00:05:06,980
Really bad.
125
00:05:07,048 --> 00:05:11,051
That's the worst penis
I've ever seen in my life.
126
00:05:11,119 --> 00:05:13,320
That is disgusting.
127
00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:14,421
It's--
128
00:05:14,489 --> 00:05:16,156
Oh, my God.
129
00:05:16,224 --> 00:05:17,891
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me,
130
00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:19,126
Seeing that,
131
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,994
And my dad hung himself
in front of me
132
00:05:21,062 --> 00:05:22,596
Whilst masturbating.
133
00:05:22,664 --> 00:05:24,064
But if I could take
one of those things back,
134
00:05:24,132 --> 00:05:26,366
It would be seeing
that awful cock.
135
00:05:26,434 --> 00:05:28,435
It looks like you've been
getting a dog to suck it off,
136
00:05:28,503 --> 00:05:30,404
But it chewed it like it
thought it was
137
00:05:30,471 --> 00:05:33,040
A horrible old
blood-and-cum-filled shoe.
138
00:05:33,107 --> 00:05:34,641
Nurse, can you come
here a minute?
139
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:35,809
I'm serious.
140
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:38,579
That is the worst penis
141
00:05:38,646 --> 00:05:40,581
Probably in the world.
142
00:05:40,648 --> 00:05:43,083
Nurse?
143
00:05:43,151 --> 00:05:45,752
Honestly, is that not
the ugliest penis
144
00:05:45,820 --> 00:05:47,287
You've ever seen in your life?
145
00:05:47,355 --> 00:05:48,589
Yes, doctor, it's very ugly.
146
00:05:48,656 --> 00:05:50,724
Very ugly, very ugly.
147
00:05:50,792 --> 00:05:52,793
She's a nurse, so--
148
00:05:52,861 --> 00:05:54,061
Stop it.
149
00:05:54,128 --> 00:05:55,462
Come on, man.
150
00:05:55,530 --> 00:05:57,101
What worries me is, if that's
your penis and testicles,
151
00:05:57,102 --> 00:05:59,102
What's your anus gonna be like?
152
00:05:59,103 --> 00:06:00,103
But we're not gonna find that out.
153
00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:03,303
We are gonna find out
because I need to give you
154
00:06:03,371 --> 00:06:05,205
A full rectal examination.
155
00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,673
No, no, no way.
156
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:07,841
Yes way.
157
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,910
You're over 40, Louie, okay?
158
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:11,011
No more wanking around.
159
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,212
This could save your life.
160
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,681
Okay, all right.
Come on.
161
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,550
Look, it's not very pleasant,
162
00:06:16,618 --> 00:06:18,151
But it's necessary.
Okay, all right.
163
00:06:18,219 --> 00:06:19,853
Okay, and I'll be as gentle as I can.
Thank you.
164
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,789
( groaning ) sorry.
165
00:06:22,857 --> 00:06:25,692
Is that okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
166
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,894
How about that?
167
00:06:26,961 --> 00:06:29,930
Yeah, that's all right.
168
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,265
What about this?
169
00:06:31,332 --> 00:06:32,633
Jesus Christ!
What?
170
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:34,201
This is serious.
What's wrong with you?
171
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,602
This is serious.
172
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,537
There's no way it's supposed
to go in and out like that.
173
00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:38,972
Well, it can do.
174
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,240
I'm a doctor.
Yeah!
175
00:06:40,308 --> 00:06:42,809
And it tells me that
everything is fine up there.
176
00:06:42,877 --> 00:06:44,077
Jesus.
177
00:06:44,145 --> 00:06:45,445
Listen, I'm still
going with aids,
178
00:06:45,513 --> 00:06:47,414
But let's do some
blood work and find out.
179
00:06:51,152 --> 00:06:53,921
My days start poorly,
'cause of the shape I'm in.
180
00:06:53,988 --> 00:06:56,957
Because now, also, I'm 42,
so I'm getting-- I'm get--
181
00:06:57,025 --> 00:06:58,892
I'm really on the decline.
182
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,495
There's never gonna
be another year of my life
183
00:07:01,562 --> 00:07:04,031
That was better than
the year before.
184
00:07:04,098 --> 00:07:06,900
That's never
gonna happen again!
185
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,503
I've seen my best years.
186
00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:10,871
And when I wake up
in the morning,
187
00:07:10,939 --> 00:07:13,640
I just-- I'm-- I just
sit there and I'm like,
188
00:07:13,708 --> 00:07:15,108
"oh..."
189
00:07:15,176 --> 00:07:18,578
It's an awful way to
start your day.
190
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,814
Every day starts
with me, like, my eyes open
191
00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:24,551
And I reload the program
of misery.
192
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:27,688
I just open eyes,
193
00:07:27,755 --> 00:07:30,190
Remember who I am,
194
00:07:30,258 --> 00:07:34,428
What I'm like...
195
00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:37,497
And I go, "ugh.
196
00:07:37,565 --> 00:07:39,466
"I guess.
197
00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:41,201
"I guess do it.
198
00:07:41,269 --> 00:07:42,803
"I don't know.
199
00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:44,671
I guess-- oh, my God."
200
00:07:47,245 --> 00:07:49,380
Somebody called me
an Indian giver recently.
201
00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,315
I don't know if you've heard
that expression
202
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:52,516
Since you were kids,
203
00:07:52,584 --> 00:07:53,951
But I remember we used to
call each other--
204
00:07:54,019 --> 00:07:56,887
"Indian giver" is one
of the most offensive things
205
00:07:56,955 --> 00:07:59,256
You could ever-- because what
it's meant to be
206
00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:00,891
Is that someone
gave you something
207
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,293
And then they changed
their minds.
208
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,794
That makes you an Indian giver.
209
00:08:03,862 --> 00:08:06,897
And we equate
this to the indians
210
00:08:06,965 --> 00:08:10,567
Because our feeling is that
they gave us America,
211
00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:11,735
And then they--
212
00:08:11,803 --> 00:08:16,640
Well, they didn't
take it back, certainly,
213
00:08:16,641 --> 00:08:18,442
But they chang
214
00:08:18,510 --> 00:08:21,378
Which is that we got here and
the indians were like, "hi."
215
00:08:21,446 --> 00:08:24,114
And we were like, "hey, can we
have everything ?"
216
00:08:24,182 --> 00:08:27,284
And they were like, "well, we
don't know what 'have' means,
217
00:08:27,352 --> 00:08:31,055
But enjoy all the things that
you need, like we do."
218
00:08:31,122 --> 00:08:33,390
So we start
killing all of them.
219
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:34,892
And they were like, "oh, dude,
220
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,661
"could you not do that part
where you kill all of us?
221
00:08:37,729 --> 00:08:39,430
'cause that's kind of
a drag for us."
222
00:08:39,497 --> 00:08:41,498
And we're like,
"you guys are Indian givers!
223
00:08:41,566 --> 00:08:43,133
"oh, my God!
224
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:44,335
"we're gonna name
that after you.
225
00:08:44,402 --> 00:08:47,371
You guys are dicks !"
226
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,006
Anyway, thanks a lot,
folks, good night.
227
00:08:49,074 --> 00:08:51,175
( applauding )
228
00:08:55,647 --> 00:08:57,047
We're gonna keep
this show going,
229
00:08:57,115 --> 00:08:58,248
We're gonna bring
the next comic up.
230
00:08:58,316 --> 00:08:59,817
Very funny guy, you guys
might know him.
231
00:08:59,884 --> 00:09:01,185
Nick DiPaolo.
232
00:09:01,252 --> 00:09:02,586
( cheering )
233
00:09:02,654 --> 00:09:04,588
Whoa!
234
00:09:04,656 --> 00:09:06,757
How about a hand for the emcee,
going through chemo, huh?
235
00:09:06,825 --> 00:09:07,891
All right.
236
00:09:07,959 --> 00:09:09,793
Poor prick--
skinny, no hair.
237
00:09:09,861 --> 00:09:12,763
How are you?
238
00:09:12,831 --> 00:09:16,734
Welcome to the basement of
al-qaeda's hideout and...
239
00:09:16,801 --> 00:09:18,068
You think I'm kidding?
240
00:09:18,136 --> 00:09:19,403
Those aren't Irish guys
making your falafel
241
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,871
In the kitchen upstairs.
242
00:09:20,939 --> 00:09:22,373
How's it going?
It's a shitty night tonight.
243
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,841
I have two tables,
all black people,
244
00:09:23,908 --> 00:09:26,877
So I know
I'm not making no tips.
245
00:09:26,945 --> 00:09:28,245
Are you being
serious right now?
246
00:09:28,313 --> 00:09:29,446
Yeah, look over there.
247
00:09:29,514 --> 00:09:30,647
I have two tables,
they're all black.
248
00:09:30,715 --> 00:09:32,716
I'm working for free tonight.
249
00:09:32,784 --> 00:09:35,319
No, I mean, are you being
seriously that racist?
250
00:09:35,387 --> 00:09:36,754
What?
251
00:09:36,821 --> 00:09:37,955
You don't know that
they're not gonna tip you.
252
00:09:38,023 --> 00:09:39,356
Yes, I do.
253
00:09:39,424 --> 00:09:40,724
Just 'cause they're black?
254
00:09:40,792 --> 00:09:42,359
I've been waiting tables
for five years,
255
00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:44,428
I never got a tip
from a black person, not once.
256
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,263
First of all,
I don't believe you.
257
00:09:46,331 --> 00:09:48,132
Second of all, that's
still racist.
258
00:09:48,199 --> 00:09:49,800
I am not racist.
259
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:52,302
Screw you.
260
00:09:52,370 --> 00:09:54,671
What are you talking about?
261
00:09:54,739 --> 00:09:56,607
She says black people
don't tip.
262
00:09:56,674 --> 00:09:57,941
Are you nuts?
263
00:09:58,009 --> 00:09:59,076
Niggas don't tip.
264
00:09:59,144 --> 00:10:00,911
Everyone knows that.
265
00:10:00,979 --> 00:10:02,813
Have you ever
waited tables before?
266
00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:04,148
No.
267
00:10:04,215 --> 00:10:05,582
Then shut up, asshole.
268
00:10:05,650 --> 00:10:06,884
I'm getting old.
269
00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:08,085
This is how I know
I'm getting old.
270
00:10:08,153 --> 00:10:09,853
I actually pulled
a muscle in my neck
271
00:10:09,888 --> 00:10:11,855
Giving my wife the finger
behind her back.
272
00:10:11,923 --> 00:10:14,391
( laughing )
273
00:10:14,459 --> 00:10:15,793
That's a true story.
274
00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:17,194
We're having a fight, she walked
out of the kitchen,
275
00:10:17,262 --> 00:10:18,495
I went-- Ahh!
276
00:10:18,563 --> 00:10:20,697
Like that.
277
00:10:20,765 --> 00:10:22,833
Weird things are happening
to my body as I get older.
278
00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:26,937
Ever hold a piss so long
it turns into a shit?
279
00:10:27,005 --> 00:10:33,310
That didn't happen
when I was in high school.
280
00:10:33,378 --> 00:10:36,880
.
281
00:10:36,948 --> 00:10:38,615
Ooh, listen to that
silence, huh?
282
00:10:38,683 --> 00:10:39,983
Holy shit, I hit you right in
283
00:10:40,051 --> 00:10:43,253
The "white guilt" muscle,
didn't I?
284
00:10:43,321 --> 00:10:44,455
I mean, can we
quit calling Obama
285
00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:47,257
The first black president?
286
00:10:47,325 --> 00:10:50,694
My nipples are darker
than Barack Obama.
287
00:10:50,762 --> 00:10:52,229
They're so
in love with this guy.
288
00:10:52,297 --> 00:10:54,398
They want to give him his own
national holiday, Barack?
289
00:10:54,466 --> 00:10:56,100
He hasn't even been shot yet.
290
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,367
( crowd ) ooh...
291
00:10:59,437 --> 00:11:00,871
This is perfect,
they hate my guts.
292
00:11:00,939 --> 00:11:02,306
All right.
293
00:11:05,176 --> 00:11:07,644
People are such
hypocrites down there.
294
00:11:07,712 --> 00:11:09,847
I'm sure you did better
at the Hitler youth rally.
295
00:11:09,914 --> 00:11:12,149
Ha-ha, liberal fag.
296
00:11:12,217 --> 00:11:14,585
Yeah, okay, himmler.
297
00:11:14,652 --> 00:11:16,954
Why don't you just go eat out
Obama's asshole? I would.
298
00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:20,090
I mean, I'm not gay, but just
to be part of history.
299
00:11:20,158 --> 00:11:22,326
Country's going to shit.
300
00:11:22,393 --> 00:11:24,128
You know, you Republicans
are such babies.
301
00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:25,362
You've had your way
for eight years,
302
00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:27,865
Why can't you just
give somebody else a try?
303
00:11:27,932 --> 00:11:30,100
Because it's a bullshit sham,
that's why.
304
00:11:30,168 --> 00:11:31,969
He's in there
because of white guilt
305
00:11:32,036 --> 00:11:33,437
And affirmative action.
306
00:11:33,505 --> 00:11:35,606
And anybody who has the balls
to say that out loud
307
00:11:35,673 --> 00:11:37,774
Is called a nazi by
deluded assholes like you.
308
00:11:37,842 --> 00:11:40,110
Poor little nazis don't like
being called nazis.
309
00:11:40,178 --> 00:11:41,545
I'm sorry.
310
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:43,180
Can you guys stop
having this conversation?
311
00:11:43,248 --> 00:11:44,815
You know, when bush
was in office,
312
00:11:44,883 --> 00:11:46,150
Every time you put on the news,
313
00:11:46,217 --> 00:11:48,418
All you saw was black people,
gays, liberals
314
00:11:48,486 --> 00:11:50,821
Just pissing
and moaning at how bad he was.
315
00:11:50,889 --> 00:11:54,124
Nobody-- but now Obama's in
there, no one can say shit.
316
00:11:54,159 --> 00:11:55,192
You know, if it's like
you say it is
317
00:11:55,260 --> 00:11:57,327
And it's your
turn, then how--
318
00:11:57,395 --> 00:11:59,496
Why don't we get a say in it,
like you did?
319
00:11:59,564 --> 00:12:00,964
I mean, a white guy
doesn't have a voice
320
00:12:01,032 --> 00:12:02,199
In this country anymore.
321
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:04,034
Are we supposed to feel
sorry for white guys?
322
00:12:04,102 --> 00:12:06,403
What, is 10,000 years
of unchecked prosperity,
323
00:12:06,471 --> 00:12:07,538
That's not enough for you?
324
00:12:07,605 --> 00:12:09,339
No, it's not, give me 20.
325
00:12:09,407 --> 00:12:10,908
Well, how about 30?
Yeah.
326
00:12:10,975 --> 00:12:13,877
And then you can celebrate
with a big parade of soldiers
327
00:12:13,945 --> 00:12:15,812
And have white columns
with an eagle,
328
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,848
Maybe some red
banners with a white circle
329
00:12:17,916 --> 00:12:20,517
And have something like this going in
the middle of it? The nazi thing again?
330
00:12:20,585 --> 00:12:22,853
Is that all you got? Yeah, well,
that's what-- it's the same thing--
331
00:12:22,921 --> 00:12:24,855
What is it, what?
It's one group--
332
00:12:24,923 --> 00:12:26,423
Come up with
a different argument.
333
00:12:26,491 --> 00:12:27,991
... Get what they want
over everyone else.
334
00:12:28,059 --> 00:12:29,393
Over, over--
335
00:12:29,460 --> 00:12:31,528
What the ( bleep )
is wrong with you?
336
00:12:31,596 --> 00:12:33,030
What the ( bleep ) is wrong with you?
What the ( bleep ) is wrong with you?
337
00:12:33,097 --> 00:12:34,698
You pretend you're kidding,
but you really mean it.
338
00:12:34,766 --> 00:12:36,700
My father fought
those nazis, okay?
339
00:12:36,768 --> 00:12:38,068
So if you call me that again,
340
00:12:38,136 --> 00:12:39,736
I'm gonna
punch you in the face!
341
00:12:39,804 --> 00:12:40,971
All right, I won't
call you that,
342
00:12:41,039 --> 00:12:43,340
You Hitler nazi piece of shit!
343
00:12:43,408 --> 00:12:49,947
( bleep )
344
00:12:53,518 --> 00:12:54,851
Come on.
Get off me!
345
00:12:54,919 --> 00:12:55,719
Get the ( bleep ) off me!
346
00:12:55,787 --> 00:12:57,254
You cut my hand.
347
00:13:00,158 --> 00:13:01,625
Goddamnit.
348
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:03,227
Nice.
349
00:13:06,798 --> 00:13:08,098
Jeez, man, it looks bad.
350
00:13:08,166 --> 00:13:09,600
Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
351
00:13:13,738 --> 00:13:15,372
( woman on loudspeaker )
dr. Green, telephone, please.
352
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,141
Dr. Green, telephone, please.
353
00:13:18,209 --> 00:13:20,377
How long they
gonna make you wait?
354
00:13:20,445 --> 00:13:21,345
I ink the guy
they're working on now
355
00:13:21,412 --> 00:13:23,880
Has a musket wound.
356
00:13:23,948 --> 00:13:26,183
Got blindsided by a model t.
357
00:13:26,251 --> 00:13:29,653
I heard he got
stepped on by a dinosaur.
358
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:32,322
At least you got that
dirty jizz rag there
359
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:34,424
Seeping germs into your wound.
360
00:13:34,492 --> 00:13:36,593
I think I saw the bartender
spit into it
361
00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:39,463
And wipe up some aids vomit.
362
00:13:39,530 --> 00:13:41,031
God.
363
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:45,102
So how are the kids?
Good.
364
00:13:45,169 --> 00:13:46,169
They're at my place.
365
00:13:46,237 --> 00:13:47,604
Babysitter.
366
00:13:47,672 --> 00:13:49,740
They'll be waking me up
in about four hours.
367
00:13:49,807 --> 00:13:51,642
Must be nice.
368
00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:52,776
( cell phone ringing )
369
00:13:52,844 --> 00:13:54,645
Oh, it's andie.
370
00:13:54,712 --> 00:13:56,813
Hello, hey, babe.
371
00:13:56,881 --> 00:13:58,181
Yeah, no.
372
00:13:58,249 --> 00:13:59,416
I'm out.
373
00:13:59,484 --> 00:14:01,218
Nothing.
374
00:14:01,286 --> 00:14:03,186
Yeah, no, try to get
some sleep.
375
00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:05,689
All right, you too.
376
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,891
Bye.
377
00:14:07,959 --> 00:14:09,626
You didn't tell her
where you are?
378
00:14:09,694 --> 00:14:12,496
She's gonna start worrying,
what's the use?
379
00:14:12,563 --> 00:14:15,465
Must be nice having somebody
at home worrying for you.
380
00:14:15,533 --> 00:14:16,967
You got your kids.
381
00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:18,435
Yeah, but a wife.
382
00:14:18,503 --> 00:14:20,637
I mean, I just think
it's great that you and andie
383
00:14:20,705 --> 00:14:22,039
Made it work, you know?
384
00:14:22,106 --> 00:14:23,607
You've been together,
what, 15 years?
385
00:14:23,675 --> 00:14:25,676
Yeah, well, it ain't easy.
386
00:14:25,743 --> 00:14:28,078
Well, at least you did it.
387
00:14:28,146 --> 00:14:29,613
Miss your wife?
388
00:14:29,681 --> 00:14:32,416
No, but I envy you.
389
00:14:34,619 --> 00:14:36,253
The other day, I get a package
in the mail, right?
390
00:14:36,321 --> 00:14:37,754
It's from India.
391
00:14:37,822 --> 00:14:38,955
I'm like, what the hell's
this shit?
392
00:14:39,023 --> 00:14:40,290
So I open it up.
393
00:14:40,358 --> 00:14:41,958
It's a brick of Viagra.
394
00:14:44,395 --> 00:14:46,563
I look over at andie,
she's grinning.
395
00:14:46,631 --> 00:14:49,299
Oh, my God.
396
00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:51,835
Yeah, she ordered on-line,
you know.
397
00:14:51,903 --> 00:14:54,871
I feel bad, she's lonely.
398
00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:56,540
She's gorgeous,
399
00:14:56,607 --> 00:14:57,741
I don't want to be with
anybody else,
400
00:14:57,809 --> 00:15:00,610
But, you know, some nights...
401
00:15:00,678 --> 00:15:01,978
I don't know.
402
00:15:02,046 --> 00:15:07,451
I'd just rather have
a burger and hit the sack.
403
00:15:07,518 --> 00:15:08,852
Yeah, we started counseling
404
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,554
And every other night
405
00:15:10,621 --> 00:15:12,889
I stick a wooden
medicated boner in her
406
00:15:12,957 --> 00:15:14,558
And now just-- we sit around
waiting to see
407
00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:15,892
Who's gonna die first.
408
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,761
That's about it.
Jesus Christ, Nick.
409
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:19,262
I mean, we're getting old, Lou.
410
00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:22,232
I mean, we can't have
kids anymore.
411
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,702
Um... I don't know.
412
00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:30,941
At one point, one of us is
gonna leave the other behind.
413
00:15:31,008 --> 00:15:32,442
( sighing )
414
00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:34,778
Oh, jeez.
415
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,046
I guess this is where
the letter "c"
416
00:15:36,114 --> 00:15:37,914
Comes for her dialysis.
( laughing )
417
00:15:43,306 --> 00:15:44,773
Sorry about your hand, man.
418
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:46,475
It's all right,
I don't jerk off anymore
419
00:15:46,542 --> 00:15:48,343
And I can lift the toilet seat
with the other one.
420
00:15:48,411 --> 00:15:51,113
I'm fine.
421
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:53,015
I'm sorry I called you a nazi.
422
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:54,650
Don't worry about it, faggot.
423
00:15:58,554 --> 00:15:59,721
Uh...
424
00:15:59,789 --> 00:16:01,456
Hey, seriously, man.
425
00:16:01,524 --> 00:16:03,358
You got your kids,
you're lucky.
426
00:16:03,426 --> 00:16:05,894
I'm happy for you, really.
427
00:16:05,962 --> 00:16:07,329
Thanks, Nick.
428
00:16:07,397 --> 00:16:08,430
Remember when
we were in our 20s,
429
00:16:08,498 --> 00:16:09,431
We used to come home this late
430
00:16:09,499 --> 00:16:12,134
'cause we were
out getting laid?
431
00:16:12,201 --> 00:16:13,969
We never got laid.
432
00:16:14,037 --> 00:16:15,404
( laughing )
433
00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:25,647
( Louie ) I remember one time
I was with a friend of mine
434
00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:27,349
Who lives in New York also,
435
00:16:27,417 --> 00:16:28,817
And we went to go pick up
his cousin--
436
00:16:28,885 --> 00:16:30,452
She lives on a farm in
new Hampshire her whole life.
437
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,221
Her family is this weird family
that kept her kids on a farm.
438
00:16:33,289 --> 00:16:35,991
Anyway, her parents finally
died, so she got to leave,
439
00:16:36,059 --> 00:16:39,194
And so she
came down to visit her cousin,
440
00:16:39,262 --> 00:16:40,862
My friend in the city,
441
00:16:40,930 --> 00:16:43,498
And so we picked her up at
port authority bus station.
442
00:16:43,566 --> 00:16:45,767
She had never been to
any city before
443
00:16:45,835 --> 00:16:48,070
And we're picking
her up at the port authority,
444
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,039
That smelly hole of a place.
445
00:16:51,107 --> 00:16:54,710
And we pick her up there
and she's just freaking out
446
00:16:54,777 --> 00:16:55,811
At New York.
447
00:16:55,878 --> 00:16:57,813
She's never seen
anything like it.
448
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,315
And we pass this homeless guy
and she sees him--
449
00:17:00,383 --> 00:17:03,985
I mean, we all
passed him, but she saw him.
450
00:17:04,053 --> 00:17:07,589
She's the only one who
actually saw him.
451
00:17:07,657 --> 00:17:10,258
We didn't-- me and her
cousin were like, "so?
452
00:17:10,326 --> 00:17:11,293
"he's supposed to be there.
453
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:12,961
"so what?
454
00:17:13,029 --> 00:17:15,664
"there's a perfectly good reason
why that's not me and it's him.
455
00:17:15,732 --> 00:17:19,201
The right people
always win, I'm sure of it."
456
00:17:19,268 --> 00:17:20,669
But, so there he is,
457
00:17:20,737 --> 00:17:24,206
And this dude was
particularly homeless.
458
00:17:24,273 --> 00:17:28,110
He was one of those high-octane
homeless,
459
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,912
Smelly, just piss smell,
460
00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,782
The unbelievable
piss smell, just--
461
00:17:33,850 --> 00:17:35,050
He was piss.
462
00:17:35,118 --> 00:17:37,185
He didn't just smell like piss,
he was--
463
00:17:37,253 --> 00:17:39,054
When you piss, he comes out.
464
00:17:39,122 --> 00:17:46,428
That's what--
that's how much...
465
00:17:46,496 --> 00:17:49,097
I don't know if he
had gathered it for warmth
466
00:17:49,165 --> 00:17:51,600
Or folks just went,
"ek," all day.
467
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:54,035
( crowd laughing )
468
00:17:56,372 --> 00:17:58,673
And he had dreadlocks.
469
00:17:58,741 --> 00:18:02,844
Not hacky sack, cool-guy,
medical-marijuana dreadlocks,
470
00:18:02,912 --> 00:18:08,116
Just "human-neglect clumps"
of hair.
471
00:18:10,019 --> 00:18:11,753
A clump of hair for every year
472
00:18:11,821 --> 00:18:14,923
That no one knew
his name or cared.
473
00:18:14,991 --> 00:18:16,858
Yeah, that's who you've
been laughing at
474
00:18:16,926 --> 00:18:20,362
For the last ten minutes.
475
00:18:20,429 --> 00:18:22,631
That's how bad it was.
476
00:18:22,698 --> 00:18:26,334
And again, me and my friend
were just like, "hmph."
477
00:18:26,402 --> 00:18:28,737
His cousin
immediately just gets--
478
00:18:28,805 --> 00:18:30,205
She's like, "oh, my God !"
479
00:18:30,273 --> 00:18:31,807
She takes a knee.
480
00:18:31,874 --> 00:18:33,675
That's how-- I mean, I'm not
even taking a real knee now,
481
00:18:33,743 --> 00:18:35,610
That's how little
I give a shit about the guy.
482
00:18:35,678 --> 00:18:36,778
He's not even here
and I'm still like,
483
00:18:36,846 --> 00:18:39,881
"hmph, yeah, that's
close enough."
484
00:18:39,949 --> 00:18:43,351
She goes, "oh, my God,
sir, are you okay?
485
00:18:43,419 --> 00:18:45,587
What happened ?"
486
00:18:45,655 --> 00:18:48,023
"what happened ?"
487
00:18:48,090 --> 00:18:49,658
America happened.
488
00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:52,727
What do you mean,
"what happened ?"
489
00:18:52,795 --> 00:18:56,097
So she's down there--
"sir, can we call someone ?"
490
00:18:56,165 --> 00:18:57,632
And me and my friend,
we're from New York,
491
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,034
This is the crazy part,
we immediately go to her,
492
00:18:59,101 --> 00:19:01,269
"oh, no, no, no,
honey, don't..."
493
00:19:01,337 --> 00:19:04,639
We start
correcting her behavior
494
00:19:04,707 --> 00:19:07,742
Like she's doing
something wrong.
495
00:19:07,810 --> 00:19:09,044
She's like,
"why, is he okay ?"
496
00:19:09,111 --> 00:19:10,378
"no, no, he needs you
desperately,
497
00:19:10,446 --> 00:19:11,479
"that's not the point.
498
00:19:11,547 --> 00:19:15,951
"we just don't do that here.
499
00:19:16,018 --> 00:19:18,787
You silly country girl."
500
00:19:18,855 --> 00:19:20,355
( crowd laughing )
501
00:19:29,738 --> 00:19:30,740
Hello?
502
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,404
Louie? Hi, it's doctor Ben.
503
00:19:33,703 --> 00:19:34,706
Hey, what's up man?
504
00:19:34,982 --> 00:19:36,927
Yeah, yeah, how are you?
Um...
505
00:19:37,226 --> 00:19:38,004
Look...
506
00:19:38,124 --> 00:19:40,024
I got back your blood work.
507
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:41,992
Yeah?
508
00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,640
Yeah, listen.
I'm sorry about being an arse...
509
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:45,620
By the way, um...
510
00:19:45,949 --> 00:19:49,166
Te thing is I need you to come back here
to do some more tests.
511
00:19:51,328 --> 00:19:52,899
What... What for?
512
00:19:53,295 --> 00:19:55,988
Well, your blood work shows...
513
00:19:56,302 --> 00:19:57,095
that...
514
00:19:57,461 --> 00:19:58,883
you may have...
515
00:19:59,003 --> 00:19:59,990
slight...
516
00:20:00,110 --> 00:20:01,022
big fat...
517
00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:02,736
gingi-ugly-itis...
518
00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:07,632
Oh, my God, you're such a dick.
519
00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:13,489
No, um, you've got AIDS.
520
00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:16,003
That's why I thought I need prove,
but don't worry,
521
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,445
the cancer is gonna eventually
kill the AIDS before...
522
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,256
it kills you quite slowly and...
523
00:20:20,517 --> 00:20:22,268
and painfully. No, no...
524
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,375
You do have cancer, though.
525
00:20:23,495 --> 00:20:24,991
Loads of it. In your scrotum.
526
00:20:25,111 --> 00:20:26,682
Um, in fact, that's all there is
527
00:20:26,966 --> 00:20:29,330
in the scrotum. No balls at all, just two
528
00:20:29,450 --> 00:20:32,622
healthy lumps of cancer replaced
529
00:20:32,742 --> 00:20:34,888
the horrible, old,
squidgey bollocks
530
00:20:35,008 --> 00:20:36,355
in there. And that's gonna...
531
00:20:36,475 --> 00:20:38,315
kill you as well, so um...
532
00:20:38,435 --> 00:20:40,522
By the way, the AIDS shows
533
00:20:40,642 --> 00:20:41,932
um, this very...
534
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,621
extensive shows that you...
535
00:20:43,741 --> 00:20:46,090
got the AIDS from raping
a little blind boy...
536
00:20:48,955 --> 00:20:49,913
Louie...
537
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:59,914
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www.addic7ed.com
538
00:20:59,964 --> 00:21:04,514
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