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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
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00:00:19,512 --> 00:00:22,711
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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00:00:24,278 --> 00:00:27,276
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
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♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
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00:00:46,731 --> 00:00:47,664
♪ Yeah ♪
10
00:00:47,731 --> 00:00:49,265
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
11
00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:50,932
( audience laughing )
12
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,131
I'm 41 and I'm single.
13
00:00:54,198 --> 00:00:57,495
Not really single, just alone
14
00:00:57,563 --> 00:00:59,861
But I have two children,
and that's the only thing
15
00:00:59,928 --> 00:01:01,960
I'm comfortable with in life
anymore.
16
00:01:02,028 --> 00:01:04,260
I know how to take
care of a couple of kids.
17
00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:06,726
I don't like French toast.
18
00:01:06,795 --> 00:01:08,594
Oh, sorry,
that's what we're having.
19
00:01:08,662 --> 00:01:10,693
Mommy doesn't make us
French toast.
20
00:01:10,761 --> 00:01:12,160
Uh-huh.
21
00:01:12,228 --> 00:01:14,960
I go to my daughter's school
to volunteer sometimes.
22
00:01:15,028 --> 00:01:16,627
My daughter goes
to a public school,
23
00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,260
and I volunteer, not 'cause
I'm a good person
24
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,994
but because you have to,
because nobody works there.
25
00:01:21,061 --> 00:01:23,427
There's just nobody there.
26
00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:25,494
You go in the school,
like thousands of kids.
27
00:01:25,562 --> 00:01:28,062
You go, where is any grown-up
right now?
28
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:31,829
And I usually
go for lunch and recess.
29
00:01:31,897 --> 00:01:33,597
That's when they really need
grown-ups,
30
00:01:33,664 --> 00:01:35,697
is for lunch,
to volunteer in the cafeteria
31
00:01:35,764 --> 00:01:38,697
because they only--
they have 300 kids eating
32
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:42,899
and they have one Jamaican lady
watching all of them.
33
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:45,367
It doesn't matter that she's
Jamaican, but it totally does,
34
00:01:45,434 --> 00:01:48,234
because there's nobody
35
00:01:48,302 --> 00:01:51,402
who can be mean to 300 children
36
00:01:51,469 --> 00:01:53,536
just in the way
that the Jamaican lady--
37
00:01:53,603 --> 00:01:55,303
And it's not her fault,
she's outnumbered.
38
00:01:55,371 --> 00:01:57,938
300 kids to one, Gandhi
would be like, "Shut up !"
39
00:01:58,006 --> 00:02:02,208
So my job as a volunteer
is to stand there,
40
00:02:02,276 --> 00:02:04,744
usually near my
daughter so I can be with her,
41
00:02:04,811 --> 00:02:07,479
and then kids raise their hand,
you need to go and help them.
42
00:02:07,547 --> 00:02:09,814
Usually, they need
help opening a milk,
43
00:02:09,882 --> 00:02:12,750
because they can't
open their milks.
44
00:02:12,817 --> 00:02:14,785
They can't do it!
45
00:02:14,852 --> 00:02:18,787
Because it's 2009,
and we still put milk
46
00:02:18,855 --> 00:02:22,124
in this little paper box.
47
00:02:22,191 --> 00:02:24,092
Put it in a bottle!
48
00:02:24,159 --> 00:02:26,560
I don't know why
we're doing this torture.
49
00:02:26,628 --> 00:02:29,663
We put it in this envelope
50
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:34,900
that was invented by some Dutch
( bleep ) in 1773.
51
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:37,602
And they can't do it,
they can't open it.
52
00:02:37,670 --> 00:02:40,872
It's too subtle an idea,
53
00:02:40,939 --> 00:02:44,341
a design for a seven-year-old
to peel back the paper
54
00:02:44,409 --> 00:02:48,077
and then gather it
forward into a spout shape.
55
00:02:48,145 --> 00:02:50,379
And they can't-- the glue
is vicious,
56
00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:53,515
so they have to pick at
the corner and try to get it,
57
00:02:53,583 --> 00:02:56,551
and they end up drinking out of
this finger-filth disease spout.
58
00:02:59,521 --> 00:03:00,887
So they can't do it,
59
00:03:00,955 --> 00:03:03,188
so they raise their hand
and I do it for them.
60
00:03:03,255 --> 00:03:05,920
I'm not better at it.
61
00:03:05,988 --> 00:03:10,320
I just-- I deal with the stress
better than they do.
62
00:03:10,388 --> 00:03:12,886
I don't cry like a little bitch
'cause I can't open my milk.
63
00:03:16,019 --> 00:03:17,685
I'm a man.
64
00:03:21,121 --> 00:03:22,721
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, honey.
65
00:03:22,788 --> 00:03:24,556
Just find a seat
near the front, okay?
66
00:03:24,623 --> 00:03:25,990
I'll be on in a minute.
67
00:03:26,057 --> 00:03:27,624
All right, kids.
68
00:03:27,692 --> 00:03:30,259
( woman ) All right, everyone on
the bus and quiet down, okay?
69
00:03:30,327 --> 00:03:32,261
Hey, Susan.
Hey.
70
00:03:32,328 --> 00:03:33,762
Thanks for helping me today.
71
00:03:33,829 --> 00:03:35,229
No problem.
72
00:03:35,297 --> 00:03:37,331
All right, kids, let's go.
73
00:03:37,399 --> 00:03:38,331
All right.
74
00:03:47,272 --> 00:03:48,805
Hey-- hey,
this is pretty great.
75
00:03:48,839 --> 00:03:50,072
We get to go on a trip, huh?
76
00:03:53,007 --> 00:03:55,206
So where you wanna go?
77
00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:56,906
What?
78
00:03:56,973 --> 00:03:58,473
You wanna go somewhere.
79
00:03:58,541 --> 00:04:00,906
Where do you wanna go?
80
00:04:00,973 --> 00:04:03,105
What is this, a cab?
81
00:04:03,173 --> 00:04:04,372
We're--
The Bronx Botanical Gardens.
82
00:04:04,373 --> 00:04:06,938
We're going to the Bronx
Botanical Gardens.
83
00:04:06,972 --> 00:04:09,306
Okay, how do you get there?
84
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,340
What?
85
00:04:11,408 --> 00:04:14,610
How do we get there?
86
00:04:14,678 --> 00:04:17,045
How do you not know this?
87
00:04:17,113 --> 00:04:18,513
How?
88
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:24,050
Look, just, sir, go to--
89
00:04:24,118 --> 00:04:26,185
Sir, can you just
go uptown, okay?
90
00:04:26,253 --> 00:04:28,787
Hey, go to the Bronx--
91
00:04:28,855 --> 00:04:31,489
Just take the West Side Highway
and I'll find out.
92
00:04:31,557 --> 00:04:33,557
You better.
93
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,394
( engine revving )
94
00:04:37,462 --> 00:04:40,063
We're moving, we're moving,
this is fun!
95
00:04:40,131 --> 00:04:41,664
Yep.
96
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:51,005
Hello, is this the Bronx--
97
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,840
Is this the Bronx
Botanical Garden?
98
00:04:52,908 --> 00:04:54,642
Hello, yes?
99
00:04:54,710 --> 00:04:57,244
Yeah, hi, I'm sorry, I'm on a
school bus full of children, I--
100
00:04:57,312 --> 00:04:59,446
That's okay.
101
00:04:59,514 --> 00:05:01,214
Can you give me directions
to where you are
102
00:05:01,282 --> 00:05:03,783
from the West Side Highway?
103
00:05:03,851 --> 00:05:05,785
You can't be on
the West Side Highway.
104
00:05:05,852 --> 00:05:07,820
Well, we're on it right now.
105
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,322
Sir, it's illegal to take
a bus on that highway.
106
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,358
But--
107
00:05:12,425 --> 00:05:14,293
Sir, do you know
that it's illegal
108
00:05:14,361 --> 00:05:16,261
to take a bus on this road?
109
00:05:16,328 --> 00:05:18,095
I don't know, man.
110
00:05:18,163 --> 00:05:19,897
You told me to take
the West Side Highway,
111
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:21,331
so I'm on it.
112
00:05:27,305 --> 00:05:28,872
Are we gonna hit that?
113
00:05:28,940 --> 00:05:30,240
I don't know.
114
00:05:30,308 --> 00:05:31,708
Why don't you go
sit down somewhere?
115
00:05:34,378 --> 00:05:35,645
( screeching ) Oh, shit!
116
00:05:35,713 --> 00:05:38,414
( kids screaming )
117
00:05:39,416 --> 00:05:40,683
Oh!
118
00:05:40,751 --> 00:05:42,218
It's okay.
119
00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:43,386
( tire flapping ) What is that?
120
00:05:43,454 --> 00:05:45,755
Oh, man, we got a flat--
I gotta pull over.
121
00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:55,595
( tire flapping )
122
00:06:10,205 --> 00:06:12,639
( girl ) Daddy, where are we?
123
00:06:12,707 --> 00:06:14,039
Uh, Harlem.
124
00:06:19,576 --> 00:06:22,210
Hey, so what's--
what's the plan?
125
00:06:22,278 --> 00:06:23,611
I don't know.
126
00:06:26,447 --> 00:06:28,614
Hey, man, what do you have
to do to be a bus driver?
127
00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:30,748
Nothing?
128
00:06:30,816 --> 00:06:32,816
How can you be so
Goddamn irresponsible
129
00:06:32,884 --> 00:06:35,684
when you're transporting
people's children?
130
00:06:35,752 --> 00:06:38,186
Does that-- does that
mean nothing to you?
131
00:06:38,254 --> 00:06:40,121
You almost got everybody hurt.
132
00:06:42,357 --> 00:06:44,190
Do you have--
do you have kids?
133
00:06:44,258 --> 00:06:45,825
What kind of a person are you?
134
00:06:49,661 --> 00:06:51,328
What are you doing?
135
00:06:51,396 --> 00:06:53,030
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?
136
00:06:53,098 --> 00:06:54,531
Look, I live
three blocks from here.
137
00:06:54,599 --> 00:06:55,932
I don't need this shit.
138
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,767
You're not seriously leaving?
139
00:06:57,835 --> 00:07:00,303
Look, you're the one that said
get on the West Side Highway.
140
00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:01,804
Remember that,
141
00:07:01,872 --> 00:07:03,874
you redheaded nobody
piece of shit.
142
00:07:10,183 --> 00:07:12,152
Uh, okay, kids,
here's what's going on.
143
00:07:12,220 --> 00:07:13,688
We have a flat tire.
144
00:07:13,756 --> 00:07:15,491
( kids laughing )
145
00:07:15,559 --> 00:07:17,093
Yeah, yeah, yes.
146
00:07:17,194 --> 00:07:19,762
Yes, that's very funny,
it is, it is.
147
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,630
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
148
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:25,733
John and Lisa, switch seats.
149
00:07:25,801 --> 00:07:28,102
Jeremy and Maria,
you switch seats, too.
150
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:29,770
And you two switch seats.
151
00:07:29,837 --> 00:07:31,171
Just--
What are you doing?
152
00:07:31,239 --> 00:07:32,905
I'm putting the darker kids in
the window seats, 'cause--
153
00:07:32,973 --> 00:07:35,007
You can't do that, that's
horrible, that's offensive!
154
00:07:35,075 --> 00:07:36,541
I know, right?
155
00:07:36,609 --> 00:07:38,109
Okay, also, Mikey,
you sit--
156
00:07:38,177 --> 00:07:40,211
What is your plan here?
What-- I don't know.
157
00:07:40,278 --> 00:07:42,578
What, are we gonna take 20
kids and walk through Harlem
158
00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:44,513
and look for a subway station?
159
00:07:44,581 --> 00:07:45,948
Yeah, yeah,
that is what we're gonna do.
160
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:48,284
Okay, new field trip, guys.
161
00:07:48,351 --> 00:07:50,152
All right, listen up,
eyes on me.
162
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,189
We are gonna get off the bus
163
00:07:52,256 --> 00:07:54,458
and we are gonna get
ourselves home, okay?
164
00:07:54,526 --> 00:07:55,794
( kids ) Aww!
165
00:07:55,862 --> 00:07:57,230
( girl ) But we're in Harlem.
166
00:07:57,298 --> 00:07:58,799
Yes, we are in Harlem...
167
00:07:58,867 --> 00:08:00,636
Hey, Dimitrio.
168
00:08:00,703 --> 00:08:02,606
Yeah, yeah,
it's Louis C.K.
169
00:08:22,093 --> 00:08:23,460
Do you realize what
you're teaching them?
170
00:08:23,527 --> 00:08:24,594
Uh-huh.
171
00:08:24,661 --> 00:08:25,961
All right, kids,
new field trip.
172
00:08:26,029 --> 00:08:28,297
Everybody gets to go home
in their own limousine.
173
00:08:28,364 --> 00:08:30,365
( kids cheering )
174
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:31,766
Get in the car, get in the car.
175
00:08:31,834 --> 00:08:33,468
Go, go, go, go, get in the car.
176
00:08:37,205 --> 00:08:38,673
( audience laughing )
177
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:41,075
I think a lot of people
who think they're good people
178
00:08:41,143 --> 00:08:44,511
are living a really evil life
without thinking about it.
179
00:08:44,578 --> 00:08:46,212
And the--
Here's the thing.
180
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,014
The whole premise of my life
is evil.
181
00:08:48,081 --> 00:08:51,017
I'm white, my kids are white,
182
00:08:51,084 --> 00:08:54,186
which means they can't really
screw up too badly,
183
00:08:54,254 --> 00:08:57,788
'cause they'll get,
like, a million chances.
184
00:08:57,856 --> 00:09:00,023
My life is really evil,
like I--
185
00:09:00,091 --> 00:09:02,792
There are people who are
starving in the world,
186
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,461
and I drive an Infiniti.
187
00:09:05,529 --> 00:09:07,296
That's really evil.
188
00:09:07,364 --> 00:09:09,130
There are people who would
just starve to death.
189
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:10,965
That's all they ever did.
190
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:12,900
There's people who are
like born,
191
00:09:12,967 --> 00:09:15,836
and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry,"
and then they just die.
192
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:19,839
And that's all
they ever got to do.
193
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:22,374
And meanwhile, I'm in my car,
"Boom, boom, pow,"
194
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:27,010
like having a great time
and I sleep like a baby.
195
00:09:27,078 --> 00:09:28,845
It's totally my fault,
196
00:09:28,913 --> 00:09:32,582
'cause I could trade my Infiniti
for like a really good car,
197
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:35,318
like a nice Ford Focus
with no miles on it,
198
00:09:35,386 --> 00:09:38,487
and I'd get back like $20,000.
199
00:09:38,555 --> 00:09:41,689
And I could save hundreds of
people from dying of starvation
200
00:09:41,757 --> 00:09:44,725
with that money,
and every day I don't do it.
201
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:47,261
Every day I make them die
with my car.
202
00:09:54,325 --> 00:09:56,026
( audience laughing )
203
00:09:56,094 --> 00:09:58,262
( Louie ) It's not fun
to be single at 41.
204
00:09:58,296 --> 00:09:59,963
I was married for ten years.IE
205
00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:01,330
I'm divorced,
I got two children.
206
00:10:01,398 --> 00:10:03,399
It's hard to start again
after a marriage.
207
00:10:03,466 --> 00:10:05,400
It's hard to really,
like, look at somebody and go,
208
00:10:05,468 --> 00:10:07,468
"Hey, maybe something nice
will happen."
209
00:10:07,536 --> 00:10:08,903
You just don't--
210
00:10:08,970 --> 00:10:11,304
I know too much about life
211
00:10:11,372 --> 00:10:14,073
to have any optimism,
212
00:10:14,141 --> 00:10:16,141
because I know
even if it's nice,
213
00:10:16,209 --> 00:10:18,209
it's going to lead to shit.
214
00:10:18,277 --> 00:10:20,945
I know that if you smile at
somebody and they smile back,
215
00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:22,779
you've just decided that
something shitty
216
00:10:22,847 --> 00:10:25,783
is going to happen.
217
00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:27,652
You might have
a nice couple of dates,
218
00:10:27,719 --> 00:10:30,788
but then she'll stop calling you
back and that'll feel shitty.
219
00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:32,457
Or you'll date for a long time
220
00:10:32,524 --> 00:10:34,392
and then she'll have sex
with one of your friends,
221
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:36,594
or you will with one of hers,
and that'll be shitty.
222
00:10:36,662 --> 00:10:37,962
Or you'll get married,
223
00:10:38,030 --> 00:10:39,797
and it won't work out
and you'll get divorced
224
00:10:39,865 --> 00:10:42,400
and split your friends and money
and that's horrible,
225
00:10:42,468 --> 00:10:46,270
or you'll meet the perfect
person who you love infinitely,
226
00:10:46,338 --> 00:10:49,106
and you even argue well
and you grow together
227
00:10:49,174 --> 00:10:50,942
and you have children,
228
00:10:51,009 --> 00:10:53,744
and then you get old together
and then she's gonna die.
229
00:10:53,812 --> 00:10:55,513
( audience laughing )
230
00:10:58,383 --> 00:11:01,151
That's the best-case scenario,
231
00:11:01,219 --> 00:11:04,955
is that you're gonna lose
your best friend
232
00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:07,157
and then just
walk home from D'Agostino's
233
00:11:07,225 --> 00:11:09,826
with heavy bags every day
234
00:11:09,894 --> 00:11:13,597
and wait for your turn
to be nothing also.
235
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:23,807
( woman ) I'll be
just a minute, sorry!
236
00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:25,675
It's okay.
Thanks!
237
00:11:25,743 --> 00:11:27,911
No problem.
238
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,047
Do you know
where we're going yet?
239
00:11:30,115 --> 00:11:31,615
What?
240
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:34,951
( loudly ) Do you know
where we're going yet?
241
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,553
Uh...
242
00:11:36,621 --> 00:11:39,390
I don't know, I just--
I thought we'd just wing it.
243
00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:40,992
I had a few ideas.
244
00:11:43,095 --> 00:11:45,863
Hello.
245
00:11:45,931 --> 00:11:47,665
Oh, I'm sorry.
246
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:49,933
I was just talking to the door.
247
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:52,036
Well, please keep it
down out here
248
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,238
because I'm not
wearing any clothing
249
00:11:54,305 --> 00:11:58,075
and your yelling is making me
feel vulnerable.
250
00:11:58,143 --> 00:12:00,578
I'm really sorry.
251
00:12:00,645 --> 00:12:03,547
I'm not wearing
any clothing at all.
252
00:12:03,615 --> 00:12:06,083
Do you understand?
253
00:12:06,151 --> 00:12:09,053
Yeah, yeah, I understand
what that means.
254
00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:10,588
Well, if you understand,
255
00:12:10,655 --> 00:12:12,756
please don't be yelling
in the hallway.
256
00:12:12,824 --> 00:12:14,858
Because I'm in here.
257
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:16,861
This is my home.
258
00:12:20,065 --> 00:12:21,632
( woman ) I said I'm coming!
259
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:24,634
( swing music playing )
260
00:12:34,777 --> 00:12:37,177
Look, you're gonna show me,
so just go ahead and do it.
261
00:12:37,245 --> 00:12:39,245
What?
262
00:12:39,313 --> 00:12:40,947
How dare you?
263
00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:56,464
Pig!
264
00:12:56,532 --> 00:12:58,366
Pig!
265
00:12:58,433 --> 00:12:59,867
Pig!
266
00:12:59,935 --> 00:13:01,134
Pig!
267
00:13:01,202 --> 00:13:02,836
Pig ! Pig!
268
00:13:02,904 --> 00:13:04,371
Pig!
269
00:13:04,439 --> 00:13:06,072
( knocking )
270
00:13:06,140 --> 00:13:08,608
Okay, Jesus!
271
00:13:08,676 --> 00:13:10,777
I'm sorry I needed a minute.
272
00:13:10,845 --> 00:13:12,445
Sorry, it just
got weird out here.
273
00:13:12,512 --> 00:13:14,213
What?
274
00:13:14,281 --> 00:13:15,381
Just--
275
00:13:15,448 --> 00:13:17,817
Look, let's just start
from scratch, okay?
276
00:13:17,885 --> 00:13:18,952
Oh, my God, what
are you wearing?
277
00:13:19,053 --> 00:13:20,220
Where are we going?
278
00:13:20,287 --> 00:13:21,788
I didn't know it was fancy.
Oh, no, no, no.
279
00:13:21,856 --> 00:13:26,091
Uh... just,
my dad died.
280
00:13:26,158 --> 00:13:29,193
Your dad died and you're
coming here from his funeral?
281
00:13:29,261 --> 00:13:30,795
No, no, no, no.
282
00:13:30,863 --> 00:13:32,796
He was a long time ago,
he died.
283
00:13:32,864 --> 00:13:35,499
We have like
reunions for the funeral.
284
00:13:38,002 --> 00:13:39,669
You wanna get going?
285
00:13:39,737 --> 00:13:41,237
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
286
00:13:41,305 --> 00:13:42,839
Thanks again,
it's really--
287
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:44,107
You look really nice.
288
00:13:44,174 --> 00:13:45,710
Oh, thanks.
289
00:13:47,582 --> 00:13:49,083
Oh, let me--
All right.
290
00:13:52,721 --> 00:13:54,621
Sorry, come on--
291
00:13:54,689 --> 00:13:56,189
Yeah, I should probably
get around the door.
292
00:13:56,257 --> 00:13:58,291
There we go.
293
00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:00,394
Oh, God, ugh.
294
00:14:01,997 --> 00:14:03,998
Sorry.
295
00:14:04,065 --> 00:14:06,100
You wanna just not go?
296
00:14:06,168 --> 00:14:07,601
I don't wanna make--
Let's just go, please.
297
00:14:07,669 --> 00:14:10,170
Like get out the door.
298
00:14:30,926 --> 00:14:33,294
Okay, can you please
stop smiling
299
00:14:33,362 --> 00:14:36,631
the exact same way
every time I look at you?
300
00:14:36,698 --> 00:14:38,032
No.
301
00:14:50,713 --> 00:14:52,513
Do you have any idea
where we're going yet or--
302
00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:54,982
Yeah, I thought we'd just go
down to the Village
303
00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:56,918
and just walk around.
304
00:14:56,985 --> 00:14:58,419
Okay.
305
00:14:58,487 --> 00:14:59,821
You don't wanna do that?
306
00:14:59,889 --> 00:15:01,156
No, that's fine.
307
00:15:01,224 --> 00:15:02,757
No, we don't have to
do that, I don't care.
308
00:15:02,825 --> 00:15:04,225
It's fine.
Are you sure?
309
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:05,827
'Cause if there's anywhere
else you wanna go,
310
00:15:05,895 --> 00:15:08,529
I'm totally cool--
I hate the Village, I hate it.
311
00:15:08,597 --> 00:15:11,197
And I feel like you
just made me say that.
312
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:16,101
Can I just tell you
something, Louie?
313
00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:17,469
Yeah, sure.
314
00:15:17,537 --> 00:15:19,037
I'm, um, a very nice person.
315
00:15:19,105 --> 00:15:20,905
I'm nice and I'm warm,
316
00:15:20,973 --> 00:15:22,773
and I know that I'm not
being that right now,
317
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:26,610
and it's 'cause I just need
to get some food in me, okay?
318
00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:28,545
You know what?
319
00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:30,447
There is a great place
to eat right--
320
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:32,348
Like, let's get out here, okay?
Okay, yeah.
321
00:15:32,416 --> 00:15:34,250
All right, awesome, come on.
322
00:15:46,562 --> 00:15:48,029
It's really good food here.
323
00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:50,731
I'm sure it is.
324
00:15:50,798 --> 00:15:53,266
There's nothing else
really around here.
325
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:54,868
That's kind of why I was saying
326
00:15:54,936 --> 00:15:56,502
we should go to the Village.
327
00:15:59,072 --> 00:16:00,339
( sighing )
328
00:16:00,407 --> 00:16:01,573
Come on.
Where are we going?
329
00:16:04,910 --> 00:16:07,411
Mmm...
Oh, thank God.
330
00:16:07,479 --> 00:16:09,313
Yeah, you feel better?
331
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:10,981
Totally.
332
00:16:11,049 --> 00:16:11,982
Good.
333
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:13,750
Okay, we're back.
334
00:16:13,818 --> 00:16:15,018
Awesome.
335
00:16:15,086 --> 00:16:17,420
So you have kids, right?
336
00:16:17,488 --> 00:16:19,189
Yeah, yeah, I have two girls.
337
00:16:19,257 --> 00:16:21,091
Aww.
What?
338
00:16:21,192 --> 00:16:23,860
You have girls, that's cute.
339
00:16:23,928 --> 00:16:25,729
Why, have you
seen them or--
340
00:16:25,797 --> 00:16:28,431
Just tell me about your kids.
341
00:16:28,499 --> 00:16:31,101
Well, the little one,
she's four
342
00:16:31,168 --> 00:16:32,302
and she's pretty crazy.
343
00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:34,537
Aww.
344
00:16:34,605 --> 00:16:37,106
Yeah, so she had
kind of a rough week.
345
00:16:37,174 --> 00:16:39,375
Um, went to the doctor today
346
00:16:39,443 --> 00:16:43,145
it turns out she's got
an infected vagina.
347
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:44,847
Infected vagina?
348
00:16:44,915 --> 00:16:46,315
Yeah.
349
00:16:48,319 --> 00:16:49,419
The doctor said that she's got
350
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:50,653
a pretty angry infection and...
351
00:16:50,721 --> 00:16:51,721
( clearing throat )
352
00:16:51,789 --> 00:16:53,289
... and it's on
her vagina.
353
00:16:59,363 --> 00:17:01,364
Let's try again.
354
00:17:01,431 --> 00:17:03,932
Tell me about your kids.
355
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,367
Well...
356
00:17:06,435 --> 00:17:08,736
They're my girls...
357
00:17:08,804 --> 00:17:12,373
and... I love them.
358
00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:14,809
Jesus, are you
crying right now?
359
00:17:14,877 --> 00:17:17,445
Is that what's happening?
360
00:17:17,513 --> 00:17:19,481
I have to go to the bathroom.
361
00:17:19,548 --> 00:17:21,183
Oh, I do, too.
362
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,398
Oh, there's somebody in there.
363
00:17:38,466 --> 00:17:39,432
( sighing )
364
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,167
Christ, who's in there?
365
00:17:43,203 --> 00:17:44,670
Let's go!
366
00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:48,506
Come on, I gotta take
a big dump out here!
367
00:17:48,574 --> 00:17:50,308
You know what,
the hell with it.
368
00:17:50,375 --> 00:17:51,976
I'm gonna go in the van.
369
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:00,651
Do you have an anger problem?
370
00:18:00,718 --> 00:18:02,285
No, no, no, no, that wasn't
me, that was another--
371
00:18:02,353 --> 00:18:03,687
That was somebody else here.
372
00:18:03,755 --> 00:18:05,122
And he sounded exactly
like you?
373
00:18:05,189 --> 00:18:07,224
Where is he?
I don't know.
374
00:18:07,291 --> 00:18:08,992
Yeah, anyway, go ahead
and take your big dump.
375
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:10,493
There you go.
376
00:18:28,927 --> 00:18:31,761
Oh, Jesus.
377
00:18:31,829 --> 00:18:34,464
Look, I--
378
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,599
I'm not very good at dating.
379
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:39,601
Really?
I think you're doing great.
380
00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,870
All right, I get it.
381
00:18:41,938 --> 00:18:44,639
It sucks going out with me.
382
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,474
You know, I've been
married for ten years.
383
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,510
I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz
all over the place.
384
00:18:49,577 --> 00:18:51,111
I'm a father, all right?
385
00:18:51,179 --> 00:18:52,912
That's what matters to me.
386
00:18:52,980 --> 00:18:55,982
I have two little girls.
Oh!
387
00:18:56,049 --> 00:18:58,217
And I'm raising them, okay?
388
00:18:58,285 --> 00:19:00,853
That's who I am,
I'm a real man.
389
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,322
That's what I do.
390
00:19:03,389 --> 00:19:04,923
What are you?
Who are you?
391
00:19:04,991 --> 00:19:06,858
What's your contribution?
392
00:19:06,926 --> 00:19:09,727
You're cute and you got a flat
stomach and you're young?
393
00:19:09,794 --> 00:19:12,128
It's-- Why am I
trying to impress you?
394
00:19:12,196 --> 00:19:14,197
Why don't you tell me about
your Goddamn life
395
00:19:14,264 --> 00:19:16,499
and try to impress me?
396
00:19:16,566 --> 00:19:19,503
Why aren't you nervous
to be with me?
397
00:19:53,669 --> 00:19:55,804
( audience laughing )
398
00:19:55,871 --> 00:19:58,206
( Louie ) It's true, everything
that makes you happy
399
00:19:58,274 --> 00:19:59,975
is going to end at some point,
400
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:01,677
and nothing good ends well.
401
00:20:01,744 --> 00:20:03,712
It's like, if you buy a puppy,
you're bringing it home
402
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,080
to your family's saying,
403
00:20:05,147 --> 00:20:07,115
hey, look, everyone,
we're all gonna cry soon.
404
00:20:07,183 --> 00:20:09,117
Look at what I brought home.
405
00:20:09,185 --> 00:20:12,520
I brought home
us crying in a few years.
406
00:20:12,588 --> 00:20:15,657
Here we go.
407
00:20:15,725 --> 00:20:18,460
Countdown to sorrow
with a puppy.
408
00:20:22,031 --> 00:20:24,598
I remember I had
a dog when I was a kid,
409
00:20:26,468 --> 00:20:28,702
because he had
a tumor on his snout.
410
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,603
And I remember I was home
when the vet called and said,
411
00:20:30,671 --> 00:20:32,941
"Yeah, that's a malignant tumor,
he's gotta go."
412
00:20:33,009 --> 00:20:34,610
And I was like,
"Well, can we fix it ?"
413
00:20:34,677 --> 00:20:37,812
And he goes, "I'd have to
just remove his whole snout
414
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,648
"a then he'll just have this
weird, round, furry head
415
00:20:41,716 --> 00:20:44,483
"that doesn't look like a dog.
416
00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:47,452
"And he can only eat
with a straw,
417
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,322
"but you can't teach a dog
to suck through a straw,
418
00:20:51,390 --> 00:20:53,224
"so he'll just die
of being stupid
419
00:20:53,292 --> 00:20:56,828
"and having a round head.
420
00:20:56,896 --> 00:20:58,597
"So I think you should
just kill him.
421
00:20:58,665 --> 00:21:01,170
That's what I recommend."
422
00:21:01,238 --> 00:21:03,972
And I was like, "Okay, well,
should we make an appointment
423
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,574
for a few weeks from now ?"
424
00:21:05,642 --> 00:21:07,209
And I swear to God,
the guy goes,
425
00:21:07,277 --> 00:21:08,577
"No, just bring him over,
I'm not doing anything,
426
00:21:08,645 --> 00:21:10,579
I'll kill him right now."
427
00:21:10,647 --> 00:21:13,349
Like, just bring him over now,
why wait, I'm not busy.
428
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:16,051
So I bring the dog to the vet's,
429
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,587
and I remember
I'm holding the dog
430
00:21:18,655 --> 00:21:21,157
and he sticks him full of
a crazy amount of morphine,
431
00:21:21,225 --> 00:21:23,158
or the right amount if you're
trying to kill a dog with it.
432
00:21:23,226 --> 00:21:25,194
My dog dies.
433
00:21:25,261 --> 00:21:26,828
And then I left him there,
'cause--
434
00:21:26,896 --> 00:21:28,230
I mean, it was arranged,
435
00:21:28,297 --> 00:21:29,731
I didn't, like, sneak out
and leave my dog.
436
00:21:29,799 --> 00:21:30,999
We had no money!
437
00:21:31,067 --> 00:21:32,300
So I left--
and I asked the vet--
438
00:21:32,368 --> 00:21:33,768
I made the mistake of
asking t vet,
439
00:21:33,836 --> 00:21:35,436
"What are you
gonna do with my dog ?"
440
00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:37,839
And he said, "He just goes
in a mass grave."
441
00:21:37,907 --> 00:21:39,341
And I was like,
"What's that like ?"
442
00:21:39,408 --> 00:21:42,111
And he goes, "It's just a big
pile of dead dogs."
443
00:21:42,178 --> 00:21:44,279
So...
444
00:21:44,347 --> 00:21:47,949
that night, I remember
it was raining,
445
00:21:48,017 --> 00:21:50,151
and I had this nightmare
446
00:21:50,219 --> 00:21:52,654
that my dog woke up
from the morphine
447
00:21:52,722 --> 00:21:55,457
and found himself
in a pile of dead dogs
448
00:21:55,524 --> 00:21:58,393
and crawled out past
the dead-cat pile,
449
00:21:58,461 --> 00:22:00,429
and then he just walked--
450
00:22:00,496 --> 00:22:01,829
And it was thunder
and lightning,
451
00:22:01,897 --> 00:22:03,765
and just like one
of those miraculous dogs
452
00:22:03,833 --> 00:22:05,533
that you read about in
"Reader's Digest"
453
00:22:05,601 --> 00:22:08,736
and he's made his way home
and he scratched on the door,
454
00:22:08,804 --> 00:22:10,438
and we open the door and there
he is and we go,
455
00:22:10,506 --> 00:22:13,074
"There-- he's here!
Look, he's back !"
456
00:22:13,142 --> 00:22:15,810
And then we realize we
just gotta do it again.
457
00:22:15,878 --> 00:22:19,314
Gotta take him back,
gotta do it again.
458
00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:22,250
Still got a tumor on his snout.
459
00:22:22,318 --> 00:22:25,553
And the dog's like, are you
shitting me right now?
460
00:22:25,621 --> 00:22:28,122
Can I spend the night?
Jesus!
461
00:22:32,761 --> 00:22:34,929
So that's why it's hard
to start dating, y'know?
462
00:22:34,996 --> 00:22:36,230
That's why it's...
463
00:22:36,298 --> 00:22:38,365
( audience laughing )
464
00:22:38,433 --> 00:22:40,067
( man ) You still got it.
465
00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:47,088
Daddy, where are we going?
466
00:22:47,156 --> 00:22:48,889
I'm taking you
to your mom's house.
467
00:22:48,957 --> 00:22:50,624
Yay!
Yeah.
468
00:22:50,692 --> 00:22:52,593
Daddy, my shoes
don't fit anymore.
469
00:22:52,661 --> 00:22:54,228
Really?
We just got you those.
470
00:22:54,295 --> 00:22:55,929
I know.
471
00:22:55,997 --> 00:22:57,698
Well, I'll get you some
this week,
472
00:22:57,765 --> 00:22:59,099
or Mom will
get you some this weekend.
473
00:22:59,166 --> 00:23:00,233
Okay.
474
00:23:00,301 --> 00:23:01,801
I'm too tired to walk.
475
00:23:01,869 --> 00:23:03,369
I know, but it's good for you.
476
00:23:03,437 --> 00:23:05,004
Carry me.
477
00:23:05,072 --> 00:23:06,605
Look, if I carry you,
you won't get stronger.
478
00:23:10,143 --> 00:23:11,877
All right, come here.
479
00:23:11,944 --> 00:23:13,912
Okay.
480
00:23:13,979 --> 00:23:15,446
Come on.
481
00:23:15,447 --> 00:23:25,447
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
482
00:23:25,497 --> 00:23:30,047
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