All language subtitles for Lopez s01e06 George Hosts a Golf Tournament.eng

220 in the air, another 30 on the roll,

- so 260.
- Not gonna argue with that math.

George!

- What are you doing here?
- There was a little snafu

with the Adam Sandler
celebrity golf tournament

that you're supposed to be in
this weekend.

Like, there is no Adam Sandler
tourney this weekend.

The sultan of Brunei offered him 500K

to play around as his
"Happy Gilmore" character.

How come you don't get
me gigs like that?

Well, I didn't book that
particular gig, Danny did.

- Danny's my manager too.
- Yeah, well, listen.

If you would calm down...

Hey, if you would just
pause for one second,

I will tell you about the gig that
Danny and I and Gabrielo did get you.

Yeah, it's the... the George
Lopez charity golf tournament.

- Ta-da.
- Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- When is that?
- Well, it's... So, try to follow me.

You'll be here, but Sandler
will be all the way in Brunei.

Basically, Chebby wants you to take
over the tournament from Sandler.

He's handing you the torch.

George Lopez golf tournament, that...
that... I can't believe that.

I thought it was a Toyota tournament.
When did Chevy take over?

Well, Toyota dropped
out when Sandler did,

but then Chebby stepped in.

Wait, you keep saying "Chebby"?

Yeah, that's right.
It's a Chinese car company.

That calls itself Chebby?

Aren't people gonna confuse
it with Chevy like I did?

- Yeah, that's the point.
- It's a golf tournament

sponsored by an Asian car company.

It's the perfect platform to
impress our friends in Vegas.

Plus, it was a total team effort,

Danny lobbying hard for Majorca,
but me, here on the ground.

Well, you know what?

Need a couple more buckets,
man, I gotta practice.

No... not now. You gotta go.

You have a meeting with Chebby.
And a charity.

- I don't know where it is.
- Well, I'll text you the details.

- I'll text you the details.
- Manolo, come on. Let's go, fool!

You gotta go.

(upbeat Latin music)

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

They want me to host my own tournament!

Can you believe it? I can't believe it.

No, man. That's awesome.

You bet your ass it's awesome...

Wait.

Who are you?

Oh, Dad.

Uh, this is Damon. He's the
one taking me to Burning Man.

- He goes every year.
- Oh, hey, Damon. What's up?

Yeah, there's no way
he's taking you to Burning Man.

Relax, Mr. Lopez.

- Relax?
- Well, no one will be driving.

My dad got us one of
those driverless cars.

Yeah, that's smart.

You don't have to worry about
keeping your hands on the wheel.

You guys can just sit in the
backseat, do whatever you want.

- No way.
- Dad, come on.

Am I just gonna sit at Mom's
house all weekend and do nothing?

Yes, that's a great idea.
Better get moving. Pack a bag.

Nice to meet you, Jason.

Listen, man, can't keep
the charity people waiting.

They're more powerful
than the mob these days.

On the couch, little separation.

Your dad's kind of scary.

(both laughing)

Diabetes, that's...

That's a very important issue.

It's actually type 2 diabetes.

- Is that one better?
- Well, we think so.

I mean, yeah, type 1
gets all the glory, but, uh...

type 2 will sneak up on you.

Is type 2 the one you get from drinking
a lot of soda and eating candy?

We don't like getting into
the blame game here, George.

It's time that type 2 is no longer

the redheaded stepchild of type 1.

Hey, I can feel your passion.

You're right...
type 2 is definitely a...

very worthy cause
and most definitely deserving

of its own celebrity golf tournament.

Exactly.

- We are so pleased to have you aboard.
- Thank you.

Ton of people dropped
out when Sandler left.

Mm-hmm.

Rob Schneider was a, uh... a big loss.

Big star.

But you're here now
and we are so excited

to see how you replenish the ranks.

Replenish?

Hey, you guys never told me I
had to find my own celebrities.

You know how hard that is?

Well, we didn't expect
so many of them to drop out.

Yeah, totally unexpected.

It's been an exodus
of biblical proportions.

You need to stem that tide.

I guess I could ask
Eddie Griffin, Don Cheadle...

Seal started to play golf...
I know he likes it.

- Those are good names.
- Really good, yeah.

You have good friends. It's just...

Just what?

It's just that they're
a little bit colorful, George.

You know, we were hoping
for a little more diversity.

Diversity... that's code
for black and brown people.

Traditionally, yes. Yes, absolutely.

But in this case,
we're thinking golf people.

- Golf people.
- Yeah, like Blake Shelton.

Or an Adam Levine.
Or Carson Daly, perhaps.

Or the Osmans. You know, Pat Boone.

Casper the friendly ghost,
his girlfriend, Wendy.

- You're upset.
- Ollie Joe Hazmit.

That's not even a name.

But you know that we need
to appeal to whites and Asians

to land this Vegas residency.

That's right, George.

You've done a great job
of building your brand

with your base audience,

but now we need to build on that, okay?

Does it have to be white celebrities?

Yes, that's why we're here and not
at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

Is this a taco place?

No, Olly said this is
the hippest in-place around.

Wait a minute. It is a taco place.

And it's expensive.

What's a truffle taco?

$85, whatever it is.

That's why I'm glad George is paying.

All right, guys. I need white
celebrities. Look around.

Hey, ask that guy if
he's the guy from "Homeland."

Excuse me. Are you from "Homeland"?

(laughing)

- I knew that wasn't.
- Hey, I can get you Steinfeld.

He gets his car detailed
by one of my boys.

- That dude is funny.
- Okay, you do that, Manolo.

See if you can get Jason Alexander too.

I'll try, but I don't
know him like I do Big J.

- Big J?
- That's my nickname for him.

He loves it. Hey, look.
It's your friend.

(camera clicking)

Tiddlypie? That fool ain't my friend.

Maybe you can get him to play
in your tournament.

Okay, I said I needed celebrities.

- He's not a celebrity.
- Oh, but he is a celebrity.

He's got a modeling
contract with "Vogue"

and a holding deal with NBC.

- And he's white.
- White.

- You want fries with that?
- Hey, George! How you doin' man?

'Sup, Tiddlypie. How you doin', man?

You want to take a selfie?
No problem, no problem.

- (camera clicking)
- There we go, man.

Hey, man, listen, I'm hosting
a golf tournament this weekend.

Oh, man! I love golf!

Wow, cool, 'cause I
actually wanted to see

if you wanted to play.

Uh, looks like I just landed
Jerry Seinfeld.

- It's for charity and stuff.
- I love Seinfeld!

- Hey, what charity?
- Diabetes.

- Juvenile?
- No.

- Oh, uh, type 1?
- No.

- Oh, type 2.
- Type 2.

The soda one.

Well, they don't like
to play the blame game.

Totally, get it. Yeah,
that should still be fine.

- Oh, good.
- Hey, hey.

- Let's take another selfie.
- All right.

(camera clicking)

- Cool, there you go.
- All right.

See you then!

(cell phone ringing)

- Hey, Olly.
- You got Tiddlypie?

Yes, yes, I did.

George, you should have told me this.

I had to hear it from Danny.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
So Danny represents Tiddlypie too?

(mouthing words)

Uh... bottom line, George,
bud, you did great.

Chebby is thrilled. (chuckles)
They already posted it on the website.

Are you over there yet?

No, I'm at the driving range.
I'm gonna practice a little bit.

George, your meeting
with Chebby's in ten minutes.

- Go, go, go!
- One small issue...

Tiddlypie gets $50,000
in performance fees.

Well, hey, if they're wiling
to pay $50,000...

Oh, they don't pay.

Then who pays?

Well, it is the George Lopez
golf tournament.

Oh.

In comfort and style,

Tamaro: The car of tomorrow.

Anyone who knocks a hole in one
will be the proud owner of this baby.

- The Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.
- Did you say Camaro?

Ta-maro: it means "wind"
or something in Chinese.

Now we're also replacing the shifter
bezel with stronger material,

replacing the 6.2-inch touch
screen with a better 7-inch model.

Oh, yeah. That sounds good.

And if you wouldn't mind
working in a few jokes

that trumpet our new
nickel-plated batteries,

our design team will be
much appreciative.

Come on, man,
I got a whole filing cabinet

full of nickel-plated battery jokes.

Oh, George Lopez coming through!

Now about the celebrity players.

We love Tiddlypie.
He is so funny, I cannot even.

"I cannot even"... Is that good?

- Oh, it's great.
- All right.

Who else you got?

Um...

Um... Seinfeld?

What... Jerry Seinfeld?

Uh, we call him Big J.

This is going right up
on the... we're posting this.

(speaking Chinese) Jerry
Seinfeld! (speaking Chinese)

(all speaking Chinese)

This is gonna work out great.

Hey, Manolo.

Better have gotten the Big J, man.
Lock him in. Call me.

Hey, George, you want to
come over and watch the game?

Feeling a bit blue,
so could use some yuks...

No, I'm busy... I'm actually hosting

my own charity golf
tournament this weekend.

Golf? I love golf!
My people invented it, you know?

Well, you know, the buy-in's
a little steep, my man.

No, no, that's great, because
my wife just had a great year.

We could use the write-off.

(phone chimes)

Oh, wait a minute.

Jerry Seinfeld is playing!

Are you kidding me?
My favorite comic ever!

Now he's funny. He's funny.

Okay. I'm right here.

I'll get my checkbook.

Yes, I'm golfing with Seinfeld!

Coming up next on ESPN,

it's the George Lopez
charity golf tournament

for type 2 diabetes,
sponsored by Chebby.

- ESPN is here?
- Isn't it great?

Theye're gonna broadcast
your foursome all day.

- Oh, okay.
- Be excited.

That is... That is exciting.

Hey, Manolo.

This thing is huge, man. ESPN.

Hey, so Big J's coming?
You said he was coming.

- You got him?
- Don't worry, jefe, I got him!

Man, you spelled his name wrong.

- Dude, you gotta fix that!
- (car horn honking)

Here he is.

What's up, man?

Jake... Jake Steinfeld.

- You're the same boys!
- Wow.

- Hey!
- Big J!

- What do you say, buddy?
- What's up?

- All right!
- Thanks for coming up!

- Georgie, huh!
- Hey, Jake, how are you?

- All right, man.
- How are you, man?

- Wow, good to...
- What's wrong, amigo?

Looks like you just seen a ghost.

You're looking great, though, buddy.

I'm psyched... I am pumped
to play some golf! Yes!

Hey, Manolo, you realize
what you did, dude?

- Did good, right?
- (grumbles)

This day could not be more perfect

to have every single one
of you here with me

to introduce the brand-new
Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

My grandmother, God rest her soul,

she always told me from the time that...

I thought you said Seinfeld.

My grandparents love Seinfeld.

I was gonna get him to pull my wagon.

Pretty sure I said Steinfeld.

Come on, here we go. Right here, boys.

(cameras clicking)

But enough about me.

Let's welcome to the stage our host,

Mr. George Lopez.

(applause)

Thank you all for coming.

What better way to raise
awareness for type 2 diabetes

than to load up on bagels
and cream cheese

and ride around in golf carts?

(coughing)

Uh, but, you know,
let's rev up our engines

and finally lick this disease
once and for all.

And don't forget to test-drive
the Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

And once you feel the power of
dual nickel-plated batteries,

you'll wish that you were niniel-plated.

(scattered laughter)

Was that a dick joke? I didn't get it.

I don't know.

All right. Have fun, everybody.

(applause)

- How was that?
- Well, it's over.

Go play golf.

(upbeat music)

Hey, Georgie. So we decided
to make things interesting.

1,000 bucks a hole.
What do you say, huh?

Well, listen, I...
I didn't really get a chance

to warm up, guys,
and this is for charity.

"I didn't get a chance to warm up."

(laughter)

You want to hit off the lady tees?

(laughing) Good one, Tiddlypie.

Oh, I gotta write that one
down. Wow, that's cold.

Man, that's funny. Oh, you okay, George?

Let's see what he's got, fellas.

(ball whooshing)

(whistles) Wow!

$1,000 a hole? That's all?

(laid-back music)

Now why is this guy a celebrity?

I...

Let's see what you got.

(ball whooshing)

(laughter)

Hey, Tiddlypie,
you want fries with that?

(laughter)

Hey, Georgie, you know, I'm interested

in your Pebble Beach house.
Uh... how much you want for it?

Oh, it's not for sale, Jake.

Oh, you should tell that
to your real estate agent.

(cell phone alarm blaring)

Oh, man, excuse me.

Yeah, I can't talk. I'm
in the middle of something.

Wh... no, why would you be
dropping off Erica's books?

Yeah, of course she's with me.
Where else would she be?

Hey, man, Erica played me.
She went to Burning Man.

Oh, damn, it's all
dirty naked people there.

We gotta find her before she gets there,

or I won't see her for six days.

No, you can't leave your own tournament.

Yeah, but I gotta go.
She... she's missing.

Well, we'll get her. Between social
media and find-your-friend apps,

there are very few ways for a
teenager to disappear these days.

It's almost sad.

We could use the credit
card to track her.

Ooh, see, yes. Go play golf.

- We'll find Erica.
- Yeah, you're right, okay.

Uh, still kinda hard to focus, though.

Damn!

(groans)

This is Erica.
You've reached my voicemail.

Who even talks on the phone anymore?

Erica, it's Dad.

Give me a call when you
get this message, okay?

It's important. Call me back.

(electronic music)

Oh, my God.

(coughing)

(coughing harder)

And for security purposes, can you
give me the name of your first pet?

- Patches.
- That's correct.

The last charge was in Lone Pine.

Thank you for that.

So now we move to the seventh hole.

Yes, where a hole-in-one
could win some lucky golfer

this brand-new Chebby Tamaro.

(intense music)

If you're in the market for a home,

I'm the pretty one on the card.

Okay, yeah, you got, like,

beach houses and stuff like that?

Everything. #AllitaBarridas

#Beatlt.

- Uh, yeah, yeah. Call you.
- You're up.

Hey, honey.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

We're getting a lot of interest
on the Pebble Beach house.

- Did you talk to Jake?
- No.

'Cause I told you I wasn't selling it.

Let's hear his offer first.

Hm?

(drum roll)

No.

Yeah! (cheering)

Hole in one! Hole in one, oh, my God!

Whoo-hoo! Hole in one!

And a grand! Oh, my God, I get a car!

Whoo! T-Pon in the house!

We weren't expecting that.

You weren't expecting...
This guy's horrible.

That went in the hole.

It's the only Tamaro
we have in North America.

Get him to donate it back.

- Why me?
- He's your friend.

(scoffs) He's not my friend.

(camera clicking) That was good, TPod.

- Oh, yes!
- Wow, that was sick.

Nice job, Tiddlypie.

Let's see what he's got.

Waiting to see what you got.

(drum roll)

(laughter)

Oh, think... I think
they got full coverage.

Yeah, really, Lopez, that was...

Oh, no, hold on, hold on,
I'm getting this one.

That's right. I shanked it.

(camera clicking)

(phone line trilling)

This is Erica.
You've reached my voicemail.

Who even talks on the phone anymore?

(beep)

(laughing)

Hey, George, you should have brought
a beach towel with you today.

Oh, I get it, 'cause I'm
in the sand, huh, Tiddlypie?

(both laughing)

Hey, the guy from the charity
wants you to donate that car back.

Ooh, sorry, Lopez.

No Seinfeld, no car.

- Then I gotta pay for it.
- Sorry.

(laughing)

Tiddlypie!

Hey, Georgie, the pot
is up to 5 grand on this one.

Hey, you give any more thought
to the Pebble Beach house?

Not now, Jake!

Ooh, simmer down, huh?

- Hey, fellas, huh?
- What's that?

World famous George Lopez.

(phone line trilling)

This is Erica.
You've reached my voicemail.

(dramatic music)

George... Georgie.

Don't make me entertain this crowd
with my one-arm pushups now.

(whistling)

(imitates crashing)

And the pot keeps growing. 10 grand!

Where's your ball, George?

I don't know, but I'm gonna
find that damn thing.

(engine revving)

Well, things have backed up
on the 11th hole

because George Lopez
seems to have commandeered

the Chebby Tamaro
to try and find his ball.

He really doesn't want
that penalty stroke.

(phone chimes)

_

Oh, man.

Damn!

(camera clicking)

Damn!

Ouch. Son of a bitch!

You know, you don't need
to take all that stuff

for depression, man, seriously.

Exercise, come on.
That's a natural high.

Yeah, but if I exercise
and take the drugs,

I'll be off the chain hook happy.

Stephen, you're an animal.

(laughing) Right, Tiddlypie?

Yeah.

Son of a... oh!

(car horn honking)

Erica, what's up?

Whoa, Manolo, you come to Burning Man?

Yeah, I go to Burning Man.

Awesome, it's like two miles
to get to the festival.

What's up, dude?

Hey, no, Manolo, it's up the hill.

Where are you going, dude?

Just follow the people
in the zebra costume.

I'm not taking you to Burning
Man... I'm taking you home.

- What?
- Manola, seriously?

Hey, what about my car?

It can drive itself home. (laughing)

(laughing)

Actually, get the hell out.

(engine revving) (tires squealing)

All right, men.

Winner of this one takes home 12 grand.

I hope it's you, Jake.

(phone chimes)

_

- Come on, Georgie.
- Whoo! Good news.

Hey, you may want to use
your driver for this one.

Hey, that's cute, Tiddlypie.

What time are you due
back in Boys Town, huh?

Look, junior, I'm putting
for dough... your dough.

(drum roll)

- Whoa!
- Wow!

- Oh!
- Whoo!

Nice putt! 12 grand, man.

- 12 grand.
- Neighbor.

If I were betting, that would be wrong,

but I just happen to have $12,000

to donate to type 2 diabetes.

You want fries with that?

Whoo! I got an idea.

- Let's take a selfie.
- (camera clicks)

Zrrt!

How's that, ESPN?

That... that's my line. I say that.

Yeah, it's his line now, man.
That's his line.

George, the fallout from this tournament

keeps getting better and better.

- Oh, man, that's great.
- Good news.

Chebby wants you to be their spokesman.

Spokesperson.

Will you just give it a little rest?

I like what you're trying
to do, but not now.

Okay, guys, all right.
Yeah, of course ESPN wants me.

Come on, my putt made it

on ESPN's top-ten plays of the week.

They gonna put that in the ad?
That'd be awesome if they did.

No, I don't think they are going to use

that particular clip.

They cut an ad together
if you want to take a look.

Uh, yeah, let me see.

(dramatic music)

Golfing with George Lopez.

Damn! Shit!

Son of a bitch! Farts!

Where's your ball, George?

I don't know, but I'm gonna
find the goddamn thing.

The Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

It'll take you anywhere.

Son of a... oh!

(laughter)

- It's funny, right?
- Yeah, it's hilarious...

So what are they trying to do,

make me look like a jackass
to sell their cars?

No, the point is to make you look like

a relatable, every-man
underdog to sell their cars.

George, they'll pay you $1/2 million.

Is that a lot of money to him?

Take it, George.

Synced and corrected by johnyd13
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

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