All language subtitles for Lopez s01e03 Down and Drought in Beverly Hills.eng

Let's see. We've seen "Scarface,"
"Traffic," and "Narcos."

Uh, you want to watch "Sicario"?

Mmm, I think I've reached my limit
of Latin American drug cartels.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Come on, I love them. I think I
identify with the characters.

You know, just enough to care,
but not enough to, like,

start digging a tunnel in the backyard.

- Or hiding money in the walls?
- Oh, no, I'm already doing that.

(both laugh)

Ay, caramba. Here's
funnyman George Lopez's house.

- Again?
- Again. Every day.

Now, George recently trended on
Twitter when a lady friend...

- Oh, come on.
- They do this every day?

Yeah, they're here earlier this time.

I hope George is being careful

and that the Twitter
feed was the only thing

that went viral, if you
know what I'm saying.

Sorry, kid. You might also remember

that George passed out drunk
on the floor of a casino.

Well, you would too,
if you'd had ten shots of Avion.

You know what? Just ignore them.

I mean, if all my mistakes
were blared from some bus...

- How you doing? I'm Steve.
- Hey, Steven! What you doing, man?

Feeding the animals?
I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You know, I think the phrase
is "nip it in the butt."

I... I don't think so.

- George.
- No, I think it's "bud."

No, like butt of a joke.

Yeah, okay, I can't tell jokes, either.

- Oh, wait, he's coming over.
- Hey, man.

Uh-oh.

(Latin hip-hop music)

(upbeat Latin music)

~ Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~
~ www.addic7ed.com ~

This is George's place,
but these sprinklers

are always on. They're always on.

They keep me up at night.

They're just... those go off
and then these start, you know?

Just constant...
(imitates water spraying)

Like he should have a fountain.

Oh, here he comes, but not to worry.

As long as you keep your hands and feet

away from George Lopez, you'll be fine.

- Hey, how's everybody doing?
- Oh, man, it's George Lopez.

Wow, this is awesome sauce,
'cause usually celebrities

are far too busy working
to come out and say hi.

No, he's around a lot lately.

I should know, because I'm the
commander of the neighborhood watch.

Plus, I run the local, you know,
community website next door.

Is this man bothering you
like he bothers me?

(laughs) No.

I was just telling them that
your sprinklers are always on.

It's like, in the middle
of a drought, they're always on.

Look, I'm also on
City Councilman Scott's

sustainability committee,
so let me tell you.

What George is doing
by constantly wasting water,

it's a real problem for us all
who live on this planet.

Okay, well, the sprinklers
are on a... on a timer.

They're usually not on this long,
if you need to really know everything.

They're gonna be off in,
like, two hours.

All right, well, listen.
Everybody has a good rest of the tour.

Good luck tonight at that open Mic.
And listen, I have a meeting

with my manager about branding.
You know, branding is when you have

a certain level of success,
you become a brand,

and that's what I have to go
meet and talk about the brand.

The cookies look good.

For those of you obviously
not from California,

what George is doing is holding
a large caliber handgun

to the head of Mother Earth!

Kablam! Kablam!

Uh, all right, well, let's just get
to the next house, guys.

Let's go over to Leo's house.

He's in a much better
neighborhood than George.

George, this is Gabrielo Del Santo.

He is the Steve Jobs of branding,

although alive,
and not dull like the movie.

- Del Santo. Is that black or Latino?
- Exactly.

Gabrielo is so excited to help
you broaden your audience

so that we can snag
that Vegas residency.

(sighs) Absolutely;
let's just dive right in.

You see this guy right here?
He's likeable, nonthreatening, right?

But this guy? I mean,
El Chapo, "Sicario."

You know, you're a white
man's worse nightmare.

I thought people liked this.

The numbers say that
they absolutely do not.

Okay, let's move on
to some more business.

First of all, George,
I'm a huge fan. Love you work.

- Oh, thanks, Gabrielo.
- You're welcome, but I'm black.

- Possibly Latino.
- Exactly.

The point is, George, is that
it doesn't matter if I'm a fan.

- It doesn't?
- Black people and Latino people,

we're covered, all right? We're not
the audience that you're after.

I love this. He tells the truth.

- We can't tell the truth.
- Why not?

Because we're not black.

- Can I say that?
- Yeah, yeah.

- You are not black.
- Wait a minute.

I'm Latino; can I tell
the truth about that?

Of course, as can I.

For example, we know that your
fan base is primarily Latino.

Well, there are some white people
that come to the shows too.

Yeah, like, five, but we
need more to make Vegas pop.

- So we... can I say it?
- Please.

- Booked you on "Ellen" next week.
- Surprise, it's imperative

that we increase your
presence with white females.

- And not just the ones on Tinder.
- I love Ellen, but I don't want to

dance or sing or get pranked
or be in a dunk tank.

I don't want to do like
that. That's stupid.

- You didn't... You didn't tell him?
- I didn't.

You have to do those things,
and you will.

Yeah, it's imperative that white people
think you're a good sport, okay?

Another imperative area
is your social media.

Me and my whole squad,
we've been following

that Twitter kerfuffle
you've been having

with that woman, and it's great, man.

It's so good.

Yeah, it's imperative that
we capitalize on that buzz.

- Imperative.
- Like, what do you want me to do?

Like, have sex with somebody on my yard?

- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No. Why no?

Lawn sex is an uncharted territory.
You know, it's too risky.

What's up, boo boo?

It certainly didn't help
Sal Mineo, right? No.

George's hookup has served its purpose,

and now it's time for him to pivot.

What's pivot? Write this down, Holly.

Pivoting is like,

if you get known for sex and alcohol,
you become Lindsay Lohan, right?

- She never pivoted.
- Ah, that's right, you know?

- She didn't pivot.
- But think about Kim Kardashian.

One day she's getting peed on by
Ray J, and the next, she's opening

her own fashion line
on the runway in Paris.

I mean, that is some
world-class pivoting,

and I wasn't even involved in that.

Actually, Ray J never
peed on Kim Kardashian.

Did he not? I feel like I
remember him getting peed on.

R. Kelly? I don't know if he...

Okay, no, yeah, you're right.
I stand corrected.

The point is, is that Kim K is a champ,

and Ray J is a chump,
because he didn't pivot.

Are you on board with all
of this, man? Do you get it?

Yeah, I need to... I need to pivot.

- Absolutely, my man.
- Great.

Get in there. Yeah, you deserve one.

Rain check. Wow, pivot. They do
not teach that stuff at college.

You know, actually they do. I'm an
adjunct professor at Harvard, USC,

and Full Sail University.

Ooh, okay, I see that a Starline
tour goes by your house?

- Oh, man, super annoying.
- Don't think of it that way.

Starline is, like,
the Tiffany of bus tours.

Used correctly,
they're mobile pivots, George.

- They are?
- Oh, no.

Is this a video of you
watering your lawn?

- Why do you even have a lawn?
- Yeah, why do you have a lawn, George?

- What's wrong with having a lawn?
- In California during a drought?

- It's the worst thing in the world.
- It is.

Yeah, man. It's worse than being a cop.

Yeah, that's bad.

- Wow.
- For real.

You can murder a guy in your lawn,
but you better not water it.

Look, Holly, there's a lot I can do
and basically nothing I can't do,

'cause I'm unbelievable at my job,

but rebranding a grasshole in a drought?

Come on, I'm not God.

Holly, I'll text you directions
to that exclusive bowling party.

- What'd he call me?
- A grasshole.

- Is that good?
- Well, it can't be good,

'cause it's a compound
word with "asshole."

I don't know, man.
The guy called me a grasshole

- and told me the meeting was over.
- What's a grasshole?

I think it's a guy
with a lawn; I don't know.

Man, that's ridiculous.

Well, whatever it is,
I don't want to kill my lawn.

I never had one growing up.
I always wanted one.

Me either. Well,
we might have had a lawn,

but there were so many cars on it,
you couldn't even tell.

You know, the water being used
on lawns isn't the problem.

This whole thing is racist
against Latinos.

- True.
- Yeah.

If gavachas started
doing yard maintenance,

they'd be giving out awards for lawns.

Hey, I heard on a podcast that 96%
of the water isn't used by people.

It's the corporations and
agribusiness that's the problem.

That's why I stopped eating almonds.

I keep telling you.
This is why we need a podcast.

We do have things to say.

- George, could you be our first guest?
- No.

Hey, why don't you put one of
them reclaimed water signs

on your front lawn,
then keep water in it?

I can head over to Woodland and grab
one off the golf course right quick.

Hey, while you're there, can you get me

- a golf cart battery?
- Heck yeah.

This is great; I'm in
a think tank with cholos.

Hey, that could be
the name of our podcast.

(hip-hop music)

(line trilling)

- Hi, George.
- Hey, Holly, what's happening?

So bad news.

Ellen does not feel comfortable
having you on her show

because of your lush green
lawn, so they rescinded.

Did that come from Ellen, or did
that come from Ellen's people?

I don't know the answer
to that question.

There are more unanswered
questions in show business

than there are in religion.

What I do know is that
Ellen hates water injustice.

She lets all five of her lawns go brown.

Okay, so how does having five
lawns help the environment?

She's America's lesbian best friend.

Okay, it doesn't matter.
She's untouchable.

Look, Gabrielo and I were talking.

There's only one way for you
to get out of this mess.

You need to kill your lawn.

Oh, okay, so you and Gabrielo
put your heads together,

and lawn murder
is what you come up with?

We need Gabrielo to get to Vegas,

so we're gonna listen to him
when he says to kill your lawn,

or listen to me when I say,
"Kill your lawn."

Kill it, or I'll kill it myself.
Do you want me to come over?

You're not, so I'll kill my lawn.

Great, thank you.

Hey, I think I see you.

I'm in the back of an Uber.

- What's up?
- Hi.

Oh, my God. What is this...
This is crazy. Cool car.

Are we doing phone,
or are we doing window?

Oh, just leave me right here, dude.

I want to talk to Joseph
right in the driveway.

I got to break the news to these guys.

- You gonna fire them?
- I got to do something.

Que pas?, George? Trabajando duro?

- Bien, aqu? chambeando.
- Bueno. Bueno. Bueno.

- Qu? est?s haciendo? Trabajando?
- Trabajando, man, duro.

We're at the home of notorious
water waster, George Lopez.

- Oh, God.
- George clearly doesn't care...

Him too?

A comer. P?rale. Para el agua. V?monos.

- A comer. V?monos.
- Veng?nse, muchachos.

Hey, if you want to see more of me, I'm
gonna be performing at the Ice House

out in Pasa-get down-dena tonight,

so I've got some two-for-one
passes and everything.

Hide, guys. Hide.

Here we are at notorious water
waster, George Lopez's house.

Hey, does anyone want to sign a
petition against George Lopez?

What? Everybody does? Oh, that's great.

You know, what Bill Cosby did for women,

George does for agua.

Boss? What's with all the hiding?

You know, uh, Joseph,

I just want to say
that you guys have done...

I mean, you are doing... A great job.

Son chingones Los hombres.
And I just, you know, want to say

- I appreciate everything...
- Que Esta pasando, jefe?

Esto no me Gusta.

- Are you letting us go?
- No.

You know, the thing is, Joseph, is that
I've been taking a lot of heat, bro,

from the man and Ellen,
about using too much water,

that we're in the drought,
and I got to make changes.

Oh, you're one of those.

Thank God for my Persians.

They're tough. They
fight for their lawns.

- Pero tenemos chamba, o no?
- S?.

They didn't escape the ayatollah

to come over here
and live in another desert.

- S?.
- Okay, man, listen, Joseph.

We known each other a long
time. You're a good friend.

I would still keep you
guys on at the same pay.

You want me to take
money for not working?

I'm not white and it's not just that,

I have a reputation to keep up.

All right, here's what we can do.
They only see the front yard, okay?

So work on the backyard.
We'll keep it the way it is,

and we'll let the front yard go brown.

Don't work in the front.
Only work in the back.

Still get paid.

- We can live with that.
- All right.

I'll give you your full check,
but promise me one thing:

that the privacy hedges right here,
you let them grow to the sky.

- Not a problem.
- Oh, now he speaks English.

(hip-hop music)

Well, George. (laughs)

Well, I guess the fear of God

or my online petition got to you.

- Sorry to play hardball.
- No, you're not.

Yeah, you're right. I loved it.

I just promised my wife,
you know, to get you in line

before she got back from New York.
She was supposed to be back yesterday.

- Her flight got delayed.
- Interesting, your wife's

flights seem to get delayed a lot.

She must not be in a hurry to get home.

What... what are you implying, George?

I'm not implying anything.

I'm saying that I think maybe
your wife has boyfriends,

like, scattered all around the country,

and she prefers to have sex with them...

- instead of you. That's all.
- She's gonna beat the crap out of you

when I tell her that you
said that. That's not funny.

Listen, I didn't bow down
to pressure from you, okay?

Steven, brown is the new green, my man.

Ah, dios m?o, it's George Lopez.

You guys know George from various
shows with his name in the title.

"The George Lopez Show,"
"Lopez Tonight."

Okay, all right. Starline Tour,
you guys having a good tour so far?

- (cheers and applause)
- Yeah!

What kind of trouble
are you up to today, George?

Oh, good trouble.
You know, healing the earth.

As you know, brown is the new green.

I've let my yard go brown
due to the severe drought.

I'm an Eco warrior, if any of
you guys know what that means.

It means you're a hero.

Well, that's funny.
That's... that's funny.

You know, that guy right there,
he wanted me to trim and cut down

these beautiful trees.
To me, that's terrorism.

No, no, no, no. Trim, not cut.

- (camera shutter clicks)
- Don't take my picture. Stop it.

In my backyard,
I got huge piles of dirt.

I'd like to take you guys back there,
but I feel a little bit weird.

Hey, that's awesome sauce,
George. You know what?

You're like the Latino Ed Begley Jr.

Yeah, well, I am an environmentalist.

I'm no pussy like Ed Begley Jr.

That guy, I saw riding his
bike down Ventura Boulevard.

A lay-down bike. It's like,
dude, are you gonna lay down,

or are you gonna ride your
bike? It was hysterical.

I almost crashed my electric car.
A scone flew out of my hand.

I had gluten-free shit
flying all over the car.

I... oh, I didn't see you there, kid.

- I'm sorry.
- I hear way worse from him.

- Who's Ed Begley?
- Exactly.

He's an environmental
pussy, that's who he is.

Oh, my God, that one... That one
got away from me; I'm sorry.

Well, let's keep it going, kids.
Let's go see Brie Larson.

Let's go to Brie Larson's house.
Or maybe it's Alison Brie.

Remember, when you're in
my town, keep it brown.

Yes, sir.

Bro, don't make me take that thing away.

Oh, man, you should see all the
stories about my environmentalism.

If there had been a drought during
season two of "Lopez Tonight,"

- I'd still be on the air.
- Want one?

None for George. He's
busy saving the earth.

- Again?
- Come on, man.

You guys don't care
about the environment?

Sure, just not enough
to make a bunch of Anglos

feel good about themselves.

- Viva la raza.
- Viva.

What are you guys chatting about?

- What, la raza?
- Okay, listen.

You guys, I learned something today.

You guys live at home.
Well, you in a converted garage.

But you don't know the pressure
of living in the spotlight.

Yeah, well, explain that to Joseph.
He lost a lot of yard work lately.

What? He told you that?
I'm still paying them in full.

Doggy, it's not about
the money. It's about pride.

Pride.

You know what would make him
proud? If he became my new driver.

- No, screw you.
- What happened to the pride now?

- (cell phone chimes)
- Oh, Google alert. Watch this.

Oh, I just got a shout-out on "Goop"
for letting my yard go natural.

Now, "Goop," 'cause I
know you guys don't know.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow's website.

Gwyneth Paltrow? Really, homes?
It's like somebody asked,

"Who's the whitest celebrity
you can think of?"

This kind of stuff right here
is the podcast, bro.

All right, listen. I don't
care what you guys think.

I've pivoted, and I got traction.

I'm trending. And pivoting and traction

are two of the most powerful
words in the business,

even more powerful than "Will Smith."

(cell phone chimes)

Oh, let's see who else loves G. Lo.

Oh...

A women's militant group is mad at me

because they're trying
to reclaim the word "pussy."

(laughs)

Man, I'm never gonna be on Ellen's show.

Jefe, want me to do the face?

- No.
- One time.

Go ahead.

All right, I feel a little bit better.

Hey, let's take that
face to the carnival

and have kids throw beanbags
and try to win a fish.

Don't look at me with that face.

(knocking at door)

- Who's that?
- Oh, my God, they won't go away.

I'm not here.

George. Open up.

Your neighbor says you're always home.

Oh, no. Ed Begley.

- (knocking continues)
- I know you're in there.

(thick accent) El se?or
Jorge, he not here.

Oh, this is a lovely house, George.

Hey, you know,
we leave the bikes outside.

- Well, I leave mine inside.
- Okay.

Oh, you need to take it easy
on the old AC, George.

What do you got? 68? Oh God.

68? Yeah, 92, that's...

The kid's always
adjusting the temperature.

Hey, can I get you
something to drink, Ed?

Sure, George. I'm kind of curious
what you're gonna offer me.

Let me see. Oh, man,
I don't have anything here.

Not even some tea? Isn't that
what a pussy would drink?

Oh... oh, come on.

Hey, Ed, listen, man.

I'm glad you're here. That was...
that was taken out of context.

- Oh, really?
- Uh-huh.

I'm no pussy like Ed Begley Jr.

Sounds pretty in context to me, George,

and it's called a recumbent bike,
not a "lay-down" bike.

I... you know, I was wrong.

The shoes are scratching the floor.

You don't want to mess with the Beg.
You can, but you'll regret it,

because I'm a real environmentalist.

You say you are, but
these incandescent bulbs

and this giant-sized margarita machine

- tell a different story.
- It's a blender.

Listen, it tells you that I'm a drunk.

Ed, look, listen, man.
I'm like you, man.

I think we're off track. I... I'm
an Eco warrior now, like you, man.

Listen, I'm a... I'm gonna make
a donation to Mother Jones.

- Oh, you might make a donation?
- No, I am. And, also, I'm gonna end

my dependency on dinosaur
wine, which you know is oil.

I see you've been
to a couple of websites.

George, if you had come to me,

I could have endorsed
your environmentalism.

I'm trying to reach out to Latinos.

They're gonna be 25% of America in 2023.

So we see eye to eye, that, you know,

Donald Trump's gonna
use that as a negative.

We could have had a nice
event at the Beverly Hilton,

silent auction, gotten
Los Lobos to play.

No, no, it's not too late.
We can get Los Lobos to play.

It's too late, George.
Let's cut to the chase.

You know you're a fraud.
I know you're a fraud.

And I'm gonna expose you
before somebody else does

and you give environmentalists
a bad name.

Come on, Begs, you don't
have to go like that.

Look at this right here.
This is what I'm talking about.

A bulb?

- (glass shatters)
- Ugh...

Who's the pussy now?

Ed... (whispers) You're
scratching the floor.

Hey, I hear you, Ed. Loud and clear.

- Do you?
- You're scratching the...

(cell phone rings) Hello?

George, man, what's up? It's Gabrielo.

Hey, Gabrielo, what's up?

Man, I'm just calling to congratulate
you on the whole lawn thing.

We are in such a strategic position
with our social media right now.

Oh, man, that's cool.
That's awesome sauce, huh?

- Don't use that phrase. It's over.
- Oh, no.

Oh, I uploaded that exchange you had
on the Starline bus tour earlier,

and then I had you tweet out,
"Brown is the new green,"

and it is getting...
It's getting traction, man.

It got traction? That's good.

You guys tweet it out for me?

Yeah, man, I've got
a whole team of interns

tweeting for you, and get this, man,

I've got Eco bloggers and photographers

coming to your house, so be ready, okay?

Oh, this is interesting.
Ed Begley Jr. just tweeted,

"#WhatlslnGeorgeLopez'sBackyard?"

George, what is in your backyard?
Is it something I should know about?

(groans) Man, I got to go
kill some more grass.

Joseph, stop watering the lawn.

I really am a grasshole.

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