All language subtitles for Loaded s01e04 Wattos Mum.eng

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC, BANGING]

- Ow, Abbey!
- Yes!

- That was right in the throat!
- God, I'm so sorry, are you all right?

What're you doing?

We're playing The Hunt For Bin Laden.

Oh, that's funny, Josh. I
thought you hated guns, mate?

Yeah, well, inside the house, because

Watto chipped the kitchen unit
with his pump action Nerf gun,

- so...
- Oh, yeah. Anyway,

come inside, I've got something
important to show you.

OK, we'll be in in a sec. We're
just going to wrap things up here.

Yeah, see you later.

Right, count to 20, you
yellow-bellied chicken fucker.

One, two, three, four, five, six...

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Are you ready?

The pool...

- ... is finished.
- I have bought a shit-ton

of inflatables just for
this very occasion.

- What did we say about spending habits?
- Fine, I'll return half

of them, but I'm
keeping the giant pretzel.

Not really a pool, though, is it?

It's just a big storage tank.

The lady does maketh a good point.

Gentlemen, may I be the first

to say last one in is a loser.

- What the fuck?
- Why is it black?

It's not, I got dark tiles.

It just makes me think of death.

Yeah, it's concrete chic, Abbey,

- you wouldn't understand.
- I don't.

It's really deep.

It's essentially a pothole.

Yeah, a pothole of death.

I feel like the creature
from the Black Lagoon

is gonna come lurching out at me.

All right, who's coming in?

No?

- Fine, suit yourselves.
- I'm gonna get ready for work.

I hereby christen it...

[MYSTERIOUSLY] The abyss.

Morning. I've got some
very exciting news.

The Emperor's coming.

- Where, here?
- Yeah, here.

Here to London! The
Emperor's coming to London.

Rejoice! Hooray!

Sorry, what happened to your face?

Oh, nothing, it's just fresh filler.

Anyway, he's gonna want to take
you to dinner tomorrow night.

- Shit, that's soon.
- Yeah, all of you.

I mean, when I say all of you, I
mean not you and Watto, obviously.

Yeah, fuck yeah!

OK, mocha,

macchiato, green tea,

latte, kale smoothie, and a flat white.

- Is this mine?
- Yeah, I got one for everyone.

Am I officially on the coffee run now?

Wow, you guys!

I feel like I just became a made man!

Why is he coming here? He's
not coming here to talk us

into doing a sequel, is he? You
told him we're not doing it?

Of course, he just wants to
hear your brilliant idea.

So get your pitching socks on.

Oh, and also bring dates. You
don't want to look like losers.

Can you put this straw in my
mouth? I can't feel my face.

[SHE SLURPS NOISILY]

OK. Leon,

I want a progress report
by the end of the day, hm?

Thanks for the coffee.

Progress report?

What does she mean, Leon?

You're heading up the game?

- Why? Why would she do that?
- I don't know. I think

- she just spotted something in me...
- Nah, not that, she's up

- to something.
- Oh, OK, cos why else would

- she put me in charge?
- Exactly. This is a mind game,

like you say.

You think I can't do what you do?

I know what's going on. God,
this is Obama handing over

the White House to
Donald Trump, isn't it?

- You're gonna defile my legacy.
- No, actually, Josh,

I'm gonna do a really good
job, and I'll be decisive,

unlike you taking six
months to repair dungarees.

That was a key dungaree, Leon,
from a character point of view.

OK, fine, fine.

You're the boss. Should
be a laugh, actually.

So come on then, Mr. Manager.

What game are we gonna do next?

Oh, well, we don't know,
Josh, because we're waiting

for you to have an idea.

Oh, Watto, no, no. You don't
tip the yoghurt into the fruit,

you tip the fruit into the yoghurt.

Small comer into big the comer.

You can do it how you want.

- On your head be it.
- Watto, there's a lady here

with some big balloons, and
she's saying she's your mum.

My mum?

That's my mum! My mum!

- My mum's here!
- Look what the cat dragged in.

Only me.

Mum! My mum's here!

[SHE LAUGHS] Let me kiss my baby.

100 kisses, my favourite boy.

Mum, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to say happy birthday.

Oh, wow. I really
appreciate that, thanks.

- That's amazing.
- It was in March.

Yeah, I know when it was, thank you.

I've got a vagina the size of a windsock

thanks to his big lumpen head.

Pretty massive lumpen cranium.

Also, it was his 30th.

Hm. They'd run out of notes.

They probably hadn't ordered as many

in because, statistically speaking,
you need less of those.

- Interesting fact.
- Yeah, well, I used

to run a party ephemera business.

Still got a warehouse full
of chocolate cocks somewhere

- if anyone wants one.
- I'll eat any kind of edible dick.

Oh, Adam, you pillock, you
don't put the yoghurt in the fruit,

you put the fruit in the yoghurt.

- Yes, Mum.
- So you listen when she tells you.

Let's get out of here.

Office, walls, closing in.

How's about that pub
across the road, eh?

Oh, that's probably not a good idea.

Oh, right.

Can you not?

I guess we could always have a coffee.

I just really wanted a
main meal, that's all.

Nah, it'll be all right.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, pub.

Let's celebrate! Come on.

Yes.

To paraphrase a great man,

I ain't necessarily saying
she's a gold digger,

per se, but she don't seem to
be messing with no broke Ni...

I can't say the next bit,
but you get the point.

- You think?
- He hasn't seen her in years.

She left when he was
16, during his GCSEs.

She sold the house and
didn't even tell him.

He just came back from
school one day and found

- his mega drive in a skip.
- You don't do that.

Not to a man's console.

All I'm saying is we need
to be on high alert.

These are on Mum.

- Oh, thank you.
- Cheers.

- Cheers!
- Ordered still, but sparkling's fine.

Don't worry, I've only got reflux.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

You look really well.

I'm trying. A day at a time.

You know I would've been
there for you through all that

- if I could've been.
- I know that, Mum.

Had to go to India.

Business opportunity.

- You know lint?
- Sure.

- The chocolate bunnies.
- No, lint the fluff.

Oh, lint the fluff!

I had a factory in Karachi turning out

10,000 lint shavers a month.

I was the queen of lint.

They used to call me Lint Eastwood.

Wow, respect, your
mum's a bad arse, Watto.

But then the bottom fell
out of the whole market.

Everyone just went roller.

Here comes the sob story.

Anyway, I have got

some news, actually.

My latest business venture has,

well, not to come across
as unseemly, but...

I have made

a fucking killing!

Wow, amazing.

Congratulations.

Mum, that's great, cos

I've actually come into a
little bit of money myself.

- We sold the game.
- How many copies?

No, Mum, like, all of it. We sold
it to an American corporation.

In summary, this group
of ragtag wankers...

... are millionaires.

OK, OK. This is my jaw.

This is the floor.

My jaw hitting the floor.
I don't believe it.

You're proud of me?

Oh, Adam, I'm always proud of you.

Aw, this is nice. Nice moment.

[SOBS] Sorry. I-I...

I just...

Just need a moment.

Mum, Mum, Mum...

Mum, are you all right?

- Ewan, what are you doing?
- Examining it for tears.

It's dry, Josh.

No moisture was
excreted from her eyeballs.

Josh, these are our dates.

You can have first pick.

Hello, hi.

What's this for?

For dinner tomorrow.

- With the Emperor.
- You can't do that!

These are human beings, not cattle.

Women.

Really attractive women.

With rights and feelings
and dreams, right, girls?

Josh, they would really like
to go to dinner with us.

No, I'm taking Abbey.

Oh, you can't take Abbey, she'll say

stuff, weird stuff, true stuff.

Exactly, that's what I like about her.

That's what everyone likes about her.

Nobody likes that about her. That's

what people don't like about her.

- Unbelievable.
- If you're bringing Abbey,

tweak the EQ a bit. Turn
her personality down,

and brainstorming tonight in the pool.

No.

We, um, have a pool.

It's pretty much the
deepest pool in Europe.

[SHE GASPS]

I'm staring into the abyss.

There's no shallow end.

It's essentially an infinity
pool, only instead of going out,

it just goes down.

- Forever.
- Josh, pitch me.

- Excuse me?
- Your ideas, pitch me.

You're loving this, aren't you?

You're really enjoying
this. No, it's fine.

I'll indulge it.

Aww, now I've got water on the ideas.

This is why you typically
brainstorm in a boardroom,

Leon, not in, say,

the never-ending spooky well.

What about that, um, that
Viking game you had an idea for?

What, the city builder thing?

Where you make settlements?

No, no Vikings.

They're basically the first
proponents of rape culture,

and I just think we should
steer very well clear of that.

Post-Savile.

It's like the world's
most existential pool party.

OK, OK, how about this?

A survival game a la Minecraft,

but you're a refugee trying to
smuggle yourself into the UK

in the back of an Eddie Stobart lorry.

That doesn't sound like fun.

All right. Let's just
throw some words around.

Yeah, because this is how
all the great art was made.

Topless men, sitting on inflatable
pretzels, free associating.

Oh, I've been thinking about
a game, a slalom game.

Slalom game.

You're basically a raindrop
going down someone's window.

And the more raindrops you
gather, the bigger you get.

I can show you a tech demo.

That's good, that's good.

Slalom games?!

Survival game!

Refugee!

Emperor Will's down in nine

hours. Get me some ideas.

- Get me some ideas!
- Don't! Don't!

- See how you like it.
- Don't!

- [JOSH LAUGHS]
- Josh!

It's actually quite nice.

Somebody just touched my leg!

Whoo!

- Wait for me!
- What is it? What is it?

Master, I cleaned out all the stables,

- what would you like me to do now?
- What?

I'll be the stable girl, you'll
be the master of the house.

Can we not?

Leon's put me in charge
of coming up with ideas.

I've got all the
responsibility, but no power.

- What about the Viking one?
- No.

- We're not doing that.
- Why?

Because... because I don't want to say

while we're in the middle of this.

My problem...

Is too many ideas.

I've got a Tourette's of ideas,
they just keep popping out.

Oh, hang on.

- Can you stop talking now?
- Also,

you should focus on thinking
of something worthwhile.

I mean, I love it, obviously.
But Cat Factory, it's...

It's just a life drain.

Just a waste of life.

Your job is basically
wasting people's lives.

You just did the opposite of dirty talk.

You literally just talked down
my erection, my penis erection.

Well done.

So what do you think?

Oh, nice.

It's like something out of The
Real Housewives Of Miami.

Not entirely the look we're going for.

Why don't you stay here tonight?

No, I'm all unpacked at the hotel.

Plus, I wouldn't want to impose.

We've got loads of space.

Why don't I cook something for you, eh?

Yeah, all right.

Well, I have put on lamb
for him is the only thing.

How about an omelette? You
used to love my omelettes.

Always space for one of Mum's omelettes!

Nothing makes me happier than
looking after my best boy.

You know what I'd really love?

- What? Hm?
- For tomorrow.

A packed lunch.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's just the

sandwiches on the trolley,
they're always a bit, you know.

And I loved it that time when
you actually made me one.

Because I always ate school dinners,

and I think that that day,

that was the best lunch
that I ever, ever had.

Yeah, I can't really remember
what I put in them, to be honest.

Oh, that's all right,
don't worry about it.

No, Adam, for you, anything.

And how long are you likely
to be around, Pamela?

Not sure. Got loads of
business meetings to go to.

- Have you?
- Tell him about your new business!

Go on, it's genius!

A new innovation in swimwear.

Halfway between a short and a trunk,

but made from a breathable
polyester mesh developed by NASA,

based on a ten-year study of
high-density penguin feathers.

Rub it on your face.

I don't want to rub it
on my face, thank you.

Soft, isn't it?

Such a great product.

I only wish I could invest in it myself.

Oh, not sure that's such
a good idea, Adam.

I agree, Watto, tighten
the belt, remember?

We're tightening my belt.

Tell her why, please. RGT Industries.

I got talked into investing
into some GM crops

they're manufacturing down in Marley.

Runner beans,

but massive. I've seen
photos of some of them,

and they're basically
as big as toddlers.

Wow!

Literally spent his money
on some magic beans.

But not all of it?

I mean, you are solvent.

Yeah, I am.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Oh, thank God.

It's just that as a mum, you know?

As long as you're OK.

- [BEEPING]
- My pan!

Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I'm so useless.

Oh, don't worry, Mum.

I'll take you out for a lovely
dinner, go and put your coat on.

Watto...

You can tell me to F off,

or I'm being a total busy prick,

but...

Just watch out, yeah?

- What do you mean?
- You know, I'm just

looking out for you. Like I always do.

You know what, Ewan,

fuck off,

you total busy prick.

Cheese salad roll.

Grapes.

Crisps. Fucking...

Yoghurt.

More grapes.

Four fingers.

A scratch card.

And just a...

Whole load of loose trail mix.

Yeah, great.

Such a lot of trail mix.

I mean, I know it's just a roll.

But look at that. Yeah? Crusty.

A little bit of salad. Ohhh!

It's an absolute design classic.

I mean, she went out and
she got all this stuff.

You know? The cheese and
whatever, and made it for me.

She made it for me with
her own bare hands.

God, you're so lucky.

I know I am. And...

Two quid!

It's a winner! This is the
best lunch I've ever had.

Mum! You nailed it, Mum!

I mean, you really put the
packed into packed lunch.

And the scratch card,

which I've won on, by the way...

'Good. No, I'm glad someone's
having a good day.'

- Why? What's up?
- No, it's nothing.

It's just one of my
investors pulled out.

Are you around tonight?

'I have a business
opportunity to discuss.'

'Can you get a car to pick me up?'

- I'm not talking to you, Ewan.
- Huh!

But if I was, I'd be asking...

how much cash can I get out in one go?

She's asked for money? She's
outright asking for it?

It's 100 grand, Ewan.

It's fuck all.

All right, Barney?

I've spent more than that on kendo
suits and they don't even fit me.

Watto, and it's hard for me to say this,

but I think she might be scamming you.

OK, Ewan, you might be right.

Maybe she is. But then maybe she isn't.

But if it means that she
sticks around this time...

... then that's money well spent.

Look, I don't want to be the
voice of negativity here.

- I just...
- Stop pushing me around, Ewan!

Maybe you should take a
look at your own life,

instead of sticking a beak
into mine all the time, you...

Shit Mary Poppins.

I've got nothing.

OK? I have nothing.

I might as well declare
myself creatively bankrupt.

Josh, you're the ideas guy.

- You'll think of something.
- What if I don't?

What if I don't have another good
idea for the rest of my life?

Woody Allen was 60 before he went shit.

I'm only 31.

- I've had an idea.
- Oh, thank God!

- Not for a game.
- Bollocks.

We stage an intervention,
save Watto from his mum.

Oh, Ewan!

She seems nice.

UK, Companies House, no filings.

Bankruptcy, three times. Napkin, dry!

Ewan, just stay out of it.
You're not his mum.

I'm a better mum to him
then Pam will ever be.

That bloody omelette.

Who puts water in an omelette? Milk!

He likes it with milk.

Look, if you're so concerned,
deal with it, all right?

We're a bit busy trying
to come up with a...

God, heads-up.

Him!

- What's happening?
- You said you wanted a haircut

- before the dinner tonight.
- No, I didn't.

- It's fine. Just...
- No, it's not fine.

I didn't consent to this.

I'm quite literally being groomed.

Look, you listen to me.

Tonight is very important.

No polo necks. No slip-ons.

Do not prevaricate over the menu.

Don't say thank you in triplicate.
Thanks! Cheers! Ta!

I want a strong handshake
with a dry hand.

In summary, DBB.

Don't...

Be...

... British! Huh?

- Got it?
- You're just going to take this?

What? It's self-improvement.

It's Scientology, Leon.

She's basically just erased our minds

and now she's reprogramming them.

L Ron Casey!

Thanks, Josh. Can I have a quick word?

- Yeah.
- Thank you. You, stay. Do his hair.

Boy oh boy! Huh? He's all worked up.

So, how's it going?

Yeah, yeah, we're just, um...

Honing the pitch.

Ironing out the wrinkles.

Oh, my God!

You don't have an idea, do you?

Well, Josh is still
working on some stuff.

- But we'll get there.
- Shit! OK.

OK. Listen, Leon,

I want to share something with you.

Buying you was my idea, all mine.

I waggled my little white
ass over that parapet

and I said, 'Yeah, these boys
are really worth something. '

Yeah? No! Thank you.

'Yeah. No. Thank you.'

Sharpen yourself up, Leon.

This is your chance to
impress the emperor.

You're going to leave your
fate in Josh's hands?

There's only one way to climb to
the top of Mount Rushmore, Leon.

By treading on people's faces.

Fuck!

Are you busy?

No, not really. Casey has a nemesis.

She likes me to monitor all
of her social media activity

- and then compile a brief report...
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's Watto. His mum's
trying to rip him off.

I thought she seemed a bit weird.

Finally! Finally someone gets it.

Shit! He's seeing her tonight.

He asked me to send a car to
pick her up from her hotel.

She's going to fleece him.

We have to do something.

We can't just let this happen.

Cancel the car and give me
the address of the hotel.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to channel
my inner Linda Carter.

It's really important at these occasions

just to listen, you know?

Not to speak. Just listen.

Process. Yeah?

Thank you.

Think about what you've heard
but don't necessarily respond

until later when we're at home alone.

Josh, are you telling me how to behave?

Whoa!

Oh, Jesus. He really brought her.

Yo! This is Kelly.

You look fucking incredible!

Oh, you smell like meadows!

Were we supposed to be smart?
I came straight from work.

[SHE SNIFFS]

Seems fine. So what do you do?

She's a model. She's just been
in Monaco for the Grand Prix,

clapping the driver who won.

- I don't understand.
- When the driver wins,

he walks to the podium
past the clapping women.

That's a job? Clapping men?

That's a disgrace. I'm
appalled on your behalf.

It's amazing! I want to do it.

I don't think you can
do what Kelly does.

They only pick about 36 women.

Why not? I can clap.

Can you teach me how
to clap? Show me the clap.

You have to pay me to clap.

- Josh will pay.
- No, I won't.

So Josh, I've been thinking.

Executive decree. We're
pitching the sequel.

- No, we're not.
- What else have we got? And what's

- so bad about doing a sequel?
- Because...

They're lazy and cynical.

I'm lazy and cynical.

Well, I'm not.

See, this is why you don't give
the nuclear codes to a lunatic.

Oh, piss off, Josh.

I'm sorry. All right?

I just think we should hold our nerve.

All right. Well you've got
until the emperor gets here

- to think of something better.
- Is it like this?

Bigger?

I can clap any way.

This is what I was talking about, yeah?

[HORN HONKS]

OK, right...

- Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.

[SHE LAUGHS]

Ooh! Letting me out.

Nice man.

- I'll speak to you later. Bye.
- OK, there's

something I want to say to
you and I'm just going to say it.

Watto is one of my best friends
and I've been there for him

- through thick and thin. So...
- Sorry, are you speaking to me?

- You're not Pam!
- This isn't the right way.

- Who are you?
- You're my Uber.

No, I thought you were Pam.

And who the fuck are you?

I'm Ewan. Why are you not Pam?!

Let me out. I want to get out.

Not on the Westway. It's a death trap.

Stop the car! I'm being kidnapped!

Yeah, Adam, the car didn't show.

I need you to come and get me.

No-one's letting me out.
They won't let me over.

What are you doing?
What are you doing now?

Let me keep my eyes on the road!

OK, OK. I'm pulling in!

- Please just stop hitting me.
- No, no!

I'm feeling very flustered.

Oh, oh!

- I'm sorry.
- Oh!

All middle-aged women
look the same to me.

- OK? Only for about 40 seconds!
- You kidnapped me.

I mean, there must be some kind
of grace period for these things?

- Where the hell are we?
- Under a flyover,

- which isn't helping, frankly.
- OK, I'm calling the police.

No, please, don't do that.

I'm perfectly harmless.
I'm weak. I'm a weed.

And not like one of those
men who's physically weak

so therefore feels the need
to physically dominate women.

- You know what I mean?
- Jesus, I'm going to die.

Oh, that's what I'm saying! I'm
saying I'm not one of those.

- Police, please.
- National Trust.

Membership of the Lib Dems.
Holland & Barrett loyalty card.

This is not the wallet of a psychopath.

Or money, I'll give you
money, anything. Please.

Nine grand?

OK, yeah, this is good,

except you should be sitting there
and you should be sitting there.

And can we do something about this?

- Comb it with a fork?
- No, don't do that.

That looks insane. It's this table.

Why'd you let them seat
you at this shitty table?

Now I have to find a better table.

Leon, let's just busk something.

Buy us some time.

The emperor's an old man, he's
not going to know about games.

Any random collection of words
sounds like a plausible iPhone game.

It's all about beards
these days, isn't it?

- Beards.
- Yes.

Very beardy.

Very, very beardy.

After level 140,

there's too much emphasis
on luck rather than skill.

Cat Factory, yeah?

Are you...?

Oh, my God, so good to meet
you. Leon Harper, Idle Hands.

I'm the John Lennon of the group.

- This is the Paul.
- Hi, Paul.

No, no, no, I mean he's...

Just give me a second. I've
just seen someone I know.

Well, there's no more tables,
so we'll just have to make do.

What's that? The emperor's here?

Where'd he go?

Oh, my God. What did you do?

Nothing. Just introduced ourselves.

He saw someone and
said he'd be right back.

- He was here like three seconds.
- OK, OK, just

tell me every syllable that was
uttered so I can figure out

- how badly you fucked this up for me.
- Well,

Leon introduced Josh as Paul.

- What?
- Thank you, Abi.

It was just a thing. I
had it all worked out

so he'd think we were going
to be as big as the Beatles.

He said he was John Lennon.

Really? OK. So too soon
for me to shoot you?

Before that you said the
thing about the beards.

- What about beards?
- I just said they were very beardy.

- Oh!
- Then you repeated it, Josh.

You were like, "Very, very beardy."

OK, could you just stay
out of this, please, Abi?

My one's not getting involved,
Josh, you see that?

Totally blank.

[SHE SNIFFS]

Projections, set-up costs, overheads.

Yeah. It's exciting.

A nice little family business.

Yeah.

Maybe, yeah.

Oh, right, yeah, do you recognise this?

- Yes, I do.
- Anywhere here, mate.

Please, just on this corner.

There you go. Keep the change, it's 20.

Here we are. Look, it's number eight.

Adam, what are you doing?

- Yeah?
- Hello, mate.

I'm Watto, and I have a
business proposition for you.

- You selling dusters?
- Not quite.

Can we come in?

Why hasn't he come back
for his sucky spoon?

He always has a sucky spoon.

We should just leave. He's
obviously incredibly perceptive.

He took one look at me and
saw a creatively barren man

- and just bolted.
- Oh, relax, he's coming back.

- He said he was, and he will.
- Yeah. Leon's right.

He has to come back for his spoon.
We just have to bide our time.

He'll get bored of them soon.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

God! You know what?

I've never met people who can
fuck up saying hello before.

Are you ready to order?

I'll have the veggie salad.

- Certainly.
- Can I get the spaghetti, please?

- Of course.
- Yeah, the risotto

does it come with
shellfish? I have an allergy.

Just eat it. Fucking unbelievable.

Give me the feta salad.

- Have you got anything flambed?
- Um, the Crepe Suzette.

- Great. Get me that.
- You're having dessert first?

Yeah, I want something on fire.
You know, get his attention,

- remind him we're still here.
- That's a great idea. And then what?

He comes over here and
realises you can't even eat

dinner in the right order?

Yeah, not very Fortune 500, is it?

Ordering pudding for dinner.

All right, fine.

Get me the pork chop,
and set it on fire.

I want big fucking flames.

[LAUGHTER]

[HE LAUGHS LOUDLY]

What are you doing?

I'm showing him that we're having
a good time without him. Come on.

[THEY LAUGH LOUDLY]

[HE CHORTLES]

What the fuck is that, Josh?
You're not Father Christmas.

I'm trying my best, Leon.

I can't do fake laughs.

It's easy. [SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY]

You know what?

This is what I get for my 300
million? Laughing gnomes?

My God, we never should have bought you.

Maybe we shouldn't have sold to you.

Right. I'm going to go
to the little girl's room,

because I need a slash.

See what happens when
you're in charge, Leon?

Oh, my God! He has a spare spoon.

He's never coming back.

And the stairs and the kitchen

and the dining area and the lounge,

and even my bedroom,
everything's just the same.

- What do they want?
- I want to buy your house.

- It's not for sale.
- Why are you buying their house?

He ain't! It's not for sale.

It's not their house, it's our house.

We can live in it together again.

Why is he saying it's his house?

Adam, it's not our house.

Don't worry, it's not his house.

- You ain't having it.
- I'll offer you a million quid for it.

Obviously we're open to offers.

Adam, it's worth about 300 grand.

Uh, 400

we've put in an extension
and a loft conversion.

- OK, 1.3.
- Deal! Let's shake on it.

Your risotto, sir.

Oh, my God.

She's talking to him.

- I'm sure it will all be fine.
- OK, she needs to be neutralised.

She's sucking his spoon!

Do something, Josh. Rugby tackle her.

Eat a shrimp. Come on. You're allergic.

I'll go into an anaphylactic shock!

- Perfect.
- See, this is why you don't bring Abi.

She's a liability.

Oh, yeah, because things
were going so well before,

weren't they, John?

What were you doing?

You sucked his spoon.

Oh, what, you're jealous now because
I sucked another man's spoon?

What did he say?

I told him the last time
that I came to a restaurant

round here I got food
poisoning and shat myself.

I don't care what you
said. What did he say?

Well,

I told him about your new idea,

and he loved it.

He said, yeah, go ahead and make it.

- What idea?
- The one about the Vikings?

The Viking game? The city-building game?

Well, it looks like
someone saved your asses.

So if we do the Viking game, you
promise there's not to be a sequel?

We are not making Cat Factory 2?

- You have my solemn vow. No sequel.
- Great.

Nice one, Abi.

I thought you didn't want to
do the Viking game, Josh.

I thought it glorified rape culture.

Well, you know one can get a bit
precious about these things.

Looks like I may have backed
the wrong horse after all.

Yes. Apology accepted.

Work for me.

Her? Seriously?!

Hmm.

Nah. No offence, just... games.

I don't want to be stuck
here making games for ever.

Oh, shit, he's coming.

Hey. Leslie, hi.

- Join us, have a seat.
- Sorry, I need to be going...

- I'm meeting someone at my club.
- OK.

Um...

Would you like to join me?

Sure.

Yeah. Why not?

It's fun. Have fun, then.

OK.

What just happened?

It looks like she just
got a better offer.

And I for one applaud her.

And that's how it all started, really.

We all just got rich and
as soon as that happened

Watto's mum came crawling
out of the woodwork.

Maybe she just wanted to see him?

I don't think so. That's not
how human relationships work.

Just makes me glad I
never told my parents.

They don't know you've got money?

No, we operate a very strict don't
ask, don't tell policy in my family.

- They still think I'm doing my PhD.
- Oh, wow.

My mum's 70 and cold and unforgiving.

But lovely with it.

I just couldn't face telling
her about the butter incident.

What butter incident?

Oh, I was studying applied
computer sciences

and fell in love with my professor.

Then carved his name into some butter,

broke into his house and
left it in his fridge.

- Oh... that's sweet.
- Is it?

- No, not really.
- No.

Uni kicked me out and

mother doesn't even know I'm gay,

so I was just like, how do
you explain this one, Ewan?

Look, no offence,

but shouldn't you be
dealing with your own stuff?

I mean, you seem to have a lot of stuff.

Unresolved stuff.

Who's looking after you?

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Oh!

Ah, the real Uber is on its way.

It's a shame, actually

I'm actually enjoying this.

I should kidnap women more often.

No, sure.

- [CAR HORN]
- Oh!

Here he is.

Right. E-mail me your account number

and your sort code and I
will ping over the 9,000.

- There's no need for that.
- Please, I've never had therapy before.

It feels like I've had a crash course.

That was a close call tonight.

Look, it all worked out. We got a
game, and I'm jazzed about it.

Do not disappoint me again, Leon.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Well, goodnight.

Adam, you're not buying it.

Why would you want
to live in this shithole?

- I beg your pardon?
- Because this is the best house ever.

1.5.

Yeah, all right, 1.5.

[WHISPERS] Get him to sign something.

Love, listen to me.

Mum, losing this place

was the worst thing that
ever happened to us.

But we didn't lose it, did we? I
just didn't want it any more.

Yeah, but you had to go away
because you were working.

Adam,

I love working.

I love travelling. I do
it because I want to.

Because...

I'll go mad if I stay still.

In one place.

Let's face it, I was never a great mum.

Yes, you were.

- You were just busy.
- But I love chasing a deal. It's...

What makes me feel alive.

Look, just take my money and the house,

and we can just start over.

Adam, I wanted to tell you. I've...

I've had an offer from China,

An investor over there. And...

The tax benefits are
just really, really great.

You know. Too good to turn
down, to be honest, so...

Sorry, love. It's

just business.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, love, I just...

I just can't.

I think we said 1.5, if
you could just sign here.

Watto, mate,

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have interfered.

You were right.

- Mum's gone.
- She's gone?

Where's she gone?

She didn't take your money?

- That's great.
- I wanted her to have it.

Mate, you shouldn't have to
pay people to be with you.

That's the thing.

You can't. Because I really tried.

So, who's coming in?

Come on, Josh.

We're having fun, remember?

I'm just going to let my food go down.

Bubbles, I see bubbles!

Josh, get in there and
make sure she's all right.

- You get in there!
- She's your girlfriend. Get in!

- I'm not getting in there.
- Dude, I'm with Josh,

- I say just wait this one out.
- Get in there!

- Get in!
- Oh, God!

Abi!

Abi?

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