All language subtitles for Loaded s01e01 Lawsuit.eng

The balance of your account
is ?791.34p overdrawn.

Oh!

[SINGS A FEW NOTES]

[SINGS OFF-KEY]

The balance of your account
is ?791.34p overdrawn.

The balance of your account is

?14,578,324.66p in credit.

?14,578,324.66p in credit.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[HE YELLS]

Leon, are you OK?

We fucking made it, boys!

[HE THROWS UP]

_

Yessssss!

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

From Leon and all the boys at Idle
Hands Games, we'd like to offer

you this harmonious, ceremonious
and acrimoniously melodious...

ALL:
Fuck you.

- Ah, beautiful.
- Don't even remember that one.

Yeah, you do, we went to him
for investment and he said

he wasn't quite sure
about us. Guess what?

Boom, you've been smug bombed.

- How many more of these, Ewan?
- About nine.

Basically anyone who has ever
doubted us disrespected us or

mispronounced our names.

- The bald man from HSBC.
- He said we couldn't have a loan.

We're driving 70 miles to Oxford

to swear at a bald man from HSBC?

He moved. Leon made me track him down.

Look, can we just get to my parents,
please? I said we'd be there.

Yeah, all right. But we're
doing the rest tomorrow.

Ewan, put a circle around the bald man,

the bald man does not get a free ride.

- Can I vape in the Ferrari?
- No, you cannot vape in the Ferrari.

Mum! Dad!

- Ooh! I didn't mean to...
- Hey.

Hang on, one minute. Oh, here we go.

- Hey. Well done, I'm proud of you.
- Congratulations.

- Thanks, Dad. Cheers.
- Oh, Leon.

So, so we have got
Prosecco for the boys,

and an energy drink for Watto.

- There you go, darling.
- Thank you.

Good.

- So, cheers.
- Cheers!

Right, come on then.
What have you spent it on?

Vengeance. Mostly
vengeance, and a Ferrari.

- Oh!
- And I just got an offer

accepted on a narrow boat,
then I found out it was in Ireland,

so I might have to get
that shipped over.

Can you get a boat shipped over?

I'm thinking of throwing
caution to the wind and finally

- going zorbing, possibly, maybe.
- What's that? Zorbing?

It's basically where you roll down
a hill in a giant inflatable ball.

Now that I think about it,
it sounds quite awful,

so I probably won't bother.

I bought a new pair of
jeans that I basically hate,

also...

This is for you.

- Oh.
- Is this the mortgage?

Just open it.

- Free at last.
- Bit nervous.

- No, don't be nervous.
- Thank you.

- Oh.
- It's a three-month world trip,

every site of cultural
significance across the globe.

- Uganda?
- Yes, Uganda.

The pearl of Africa. I just thought
it'd be nice, you know, instead

- of going to Florida every year.
- We like Florida.

- Yeah.
- You'll like the Yemen.

We're going to the Yemen?

Guys, the world a big place
and this is my gift to you.

My gift... is the world.

Right.

And I'm giving you 50
grand spending money.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- Leon.
- Wow.

- Oh, my God, that's unbelievable.
- Oh, you're welcome.

- Very nice of you.
- Thanks very much Leon.

- Welcome.
- No need for that. Thank you.

Oh my God, I'm in shock.

Oh, Linda, you made us a roast dinner?

- Linda, you total diamond.
- Come on, everyone, need to go through.

I made you your wheat-free
Yorkshire puddings, Ewan.

Oh, Linda, on behalf of my irritable
bowel, a thousand thank yous.

- Oh!
- [MOBILE BLEEPS]

Shit. Purchases are down.

- Which purchases?
- All of them.

As of right now, nobody can
make any in app purchases.

Relax, it's fine. Just call the office

- and let them deal with it.
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

- It'll be fine.
- By the way,

- still playing it, yeah? Level 139.
- Hey!

You know what, though, it's
not fine though actually, is it?

Because it's broken. Cat Factory,
as a game, is borderline unplayable.

Can we not just enjoy this?

Mum, Dad, I'm sorry, we're going
to have to go back to the office.

- Oh...
- Thank you, I'm sorry.

Enjoy Bolivia.

Guys.

- Leon, can I...
- No, you cannot

eat that in the Ferarri.

[CHEERING]

Hey!

Hey, if I can just have
a couple of minutes.

As you know,

- purchases are down.
- Speech.

Yeah! Come on, speech!

Probably not the right
time for a speech.

We should probably thank
everyone, though.

To my brothers and sisters
in art and animation,

all hail to the pixel flickers!

And to the coders,
because this isn't about us,

- least of all me, but...
- Also, there's a couple

of additional fuck yous...
people we haven't been

able to track down or have since died.

Ah, Susan Wall, Steven
and James Rutherford,

and everyone at Currys PC
World Camberwell branch.

Fuck you!

But what we mustn't lose
sight of... is Cat Factory,

and our ongoing
commitment to its user base.

And as a massive thank you to you all,

we are going to throw
one gigantic party!

[CHEERING]

- We're getting in Daft Punk!
- Yeah!

We will, we will definitely
do that, Daft Punk,

or someone in the Daft Punk wheel house.

But, as I said, purchases are down, so,

um, if we could just all just
consider the situation.

I mean, why don't we all just have

a nice Corona and put on some EDM

music while we try and fix this?

We'll get some limes. Can we
get some limes for the beers?

We're going to get some
limes for the beers.

Yeah, rock and roll, Josh.

So, good. This is it.

Theo, good work.

John Jennings, always top of the class.

Good work, guys.

Paula, I was going to
say I think we should

recheck the code for a
move transaction listener.

- Yes.
- I just thought, yeah.

So, how come you were up
at the front just now,

for the speeches?

- Just... wanted to say thanks.
- Ok.

It's just, sorry...

It's just funny because it
was the three co-founders

and then it was you.

Yeah, there are four co-founders.

Yes, I would be the... fourth.

- Oh.
- Sergeant Muggins.

Oh, right. It's just, well...

So... Sorry, how come you're
not in any of the photos?

Oh, Leon thinks I'm
quite deadening... visually.

He thinks I've got quite
a deadening brown aura.

And he's essentially correct.

- Oh, my God, you're a millionaire?
- Yes. Yes, I've got ?14 million,

plus another ?29 million
in stock options.

Yes.

- Well, you know, it's not a big deal.
- No.

I mean, you know,
it's a big deal in terms

of the bigness of the
deal. I'm not a big deal.

Also the stock options are
performance-related anyway,

so knowing me, I probably won't
ever get them and even then,

I won't be able to get my hands on
them for like three whole years,

which isn't that long
but who cares anyway?

It's only money. Well done me.

Well done me on making
a load of money for

coding a stupid smartphone
game about cats.

Big pat on the back for Ewan.

Hey, congratulations.

18,000.

Sorry?

I'm going to give you a bonus...
on the spot of 18,000 in money.

- What? Seriously? Are you serious?
- Yes. OK, yes.

- I've said it.
- Ewan, oh...

That's, that's insanely generous!

Yeah, it really is. It's insane.

It's absolutely mental.

Thank you!

Cheers! Ah!

Bye.

Right, I'm going to take the
marketing team down to Sky Lounge.

- We're no use here.
- Sky Lounge in your Ferrari,

with your Viking helmet? You
know, you are the least

subtle millionaire
since the monopoly man.

You coming?

Come on.

No, I'm going to stay
here till this is fixed.

Mate, you don't need to worry
about any of this any more.

It's fun time.

Two words baby... mansion, hovercrafts.

Leon, they own us now.

We belong to them now,
for the next three years.

If Casey knew we were
slacking off like this already,

she'd... go barking bonk shit.

Oh, this is just like you.

You've just been handed a
lovely big jar of ointment,

big tub of luxury body butter,

and you're looking for the
fly in it, and you can't find one.

Everything is great,
and it's killing you.

Well, my jeans are a bit
fucking pinchy, so there's that.

Mate, we did it. It's
time to start living.

Where my marketing team at?!

[SHOUTING]

Shake! Let's go!

[SINGING]

Shake it, yo! Shake, yo!

[SHOUTING AND SINGING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Josh, this is weird.

Well, I was at a loose end and
I thought I'd give you a call.

Saw the deal went through.
I'm 8% genuinely happy for you.

Wow, thank you.

And I'm about 4% jealous,
9% bitter, 2% indifferent,

and 38% just quite hungry.

Well, speaking of being hungry,

I was wondering if you'd like
to come to lunch sometime?

Oh, OK, I get it.

You want to flaunt yourself at me,
take me to a fancy restaurant,

in your big, gold trousers.

Abby, I promise I will not wear
my big gold trousers, all right?

But, I might wear my
tasteful platinum cut offs,

with just a hint of cheek exposed.

Well, guess what? I'll allow it.

You can flaunt yourself.

Two rules... no intercourse,
no recriminations.

It's a shame.

Because those are two things I seem
to remember we werepretty good at.

- Hello?
- No, I'm just eating a bagel.

Send me a calendar invite.

Yes!

Yeah! Woohoo!

Yeah!

- [OPERA MUSIC PLAYS]
- Oh!

Just having my morning champagne bath.

How many bottles of...
Is that Dom Perignon?

Jesus, Leon.

What's wrong with Cava?

I'm not bathing in Cava,
Josh, I'm not an animal.

- Who wants a glass?
- Of what, sorry?

Champagne that's been swirling
around your actual anus?

- That's a no from me.
- Come on, Joshy,

- do this with me.
- What, you think I'm getting in there?

Come on, man, just this one thing!

Come on!

Oh, all right.

OK, little uncomfortable with ambient

nudity levels so I'm just going to...

Oh, ha, ha...

It's cold and it's sticky and
it's fizzing around my balls.

And it feels lovely.

It feels like success.

- To us.
- To us.

Cheers.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

- Adam Watson?
- This is he.

You've been served.

I knew it!

The second I let joy into my heart,

it all comes tumbling down.

Josh, this is a badge of honour.

We're being sued. We're
certified, suable.

- We made it.
- Why is there mayonnaise on the writ?

Because I dropped the
writ into mayonnaise.

Who's Ross Buttock?

Watto? Why is he suing us?

You remember Ross. He was that guy
who used to come round our flat.

He used to wear that hat with
all the free AOL CDs on it.

- Not the Druid guy?
- What Druid guy?

It was when you were still
living at your mum's and

me and Watto had the flat
above the clown school.

He wasn't an actual Druid,
it was just a nickname.

- What was his nickname?
- Ross The Grumpy Druid.

That's who's suing us?

Your old friend, Ross The Grumpy Druid?

Well, Ross, because that was his name,

and Grumpy because sometimes he
was a little bit grumpy, and Druid,

because, you know...

- He used to sell magic mushrooms.
- It says copyright infringement.

See, that's what I don't understand.

Unless he's saying that he should
get royalties for all the ideas

I had when I was high on his stuff.
I mean, he can't do that, can he?

Because then I basically
owe him everything.

Hi. Hello, everybody.

I've got Casey in the other
room for you. And she's like...

- Sorry, who are you?
- Oh, God.

Sorry. Naomi.

Casey's assistant. And
she'd really like to see you.

- All of us?
- Just Josh and Leon, actually, thanks.

Obviously. Quite right.

- Thanks.
- Who have I got?

Hey, Casey, you're on
with Leon and Josh.

Is there anyone in the room
who isn't in my field of vision?

- No.
- Spin me round. I don't believe you.

Put me back down.

Now, talk to me about getting sued.

Casey, I've got everything
in hand, trust me.

Sorry, which hand, Leon?
Which hand is it in?

Is it in the hand that's gripping
the shaft of the giant penis that's

being shoved into my eye
again and again and again?

Huh? Here's how I want you to
think of me from now on, OK?

I want you to think of me
as the sexy Darth Vader.

Cos yesterday, you got
bought out by The Empire.

And behind me, there's an emperor.

- Talk to me about Adam Watson.
- Watto? You know Watto.

He's been in all the meetings.

I know Watto eats a lot
of fruit in the meetings.

- I also know he's getting me sued.
- Erm...

Yeah.

He's a... He's a...

Watto is the secret brains behind us.

The boy is a genius.

I mean, he basically
invented Cats as a thing.

I mean, you know, he had his

- problems with substance abuse.
- No, OK.

But we were young! We
were young, we were kids...

I want it settled. Today.
I'm sending over a lawyer.

Casey, there's no need.
I'm a firefighter. I got it.

Hey, hey. Do you hear this, Leon?

[SHE BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER]

That's sexy Darth Vader breathing down

your neck, only not in a sexy way.

You're meeting their
team at 12. Don't be late.

Leon, where are we going?

This isn't the way to
the lawyer's office.

Mate, it's a quick detour.
Give me five minutes.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

It's great, right?

Because I saw it and I was
like, yes, this is a spot!

200-foot rumpus house.

Nice place. Long and clean.

Semi-circular. Pleasingly geometric.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Really good acoustics.

- Oh! Oh! Really good.
- Yes, Watto, love that.

So, shall I push the button?

- We'll take it, right?
- Well, I'm in.

We've got the legal equivalent
of Dutch elm disease,

- and we're out shopping for houses?
- I'll take a room, although

I'm probably moving to a
Centre Parcs at some point.

I thought you bought a narrow boat?

I did, but I've always wanted a
permanent base at Centre Parcs.

You know, sort of like an oasis of calm,

only with a pool and badminton.

Watto, you can't live at Centre Parcs.

Well, they say that, but if
you're careful about it, say,

move chalets every third week
and then start shifting locations,

three months in Woburn, three months
in the New Forest, it is actually

possible to spend 12 months of
the year living in Centre Parcs.

Yeah, if you don't mind living
like a fugitive refugee.

- Which I don't.
- You're going to commute, are you?

From Centre Parcs everyday
on your narrow boat?

It is actually a highly fucking
commutable waterway, Ewan.

And who are you? The
Department for Transport?

Josh.

Come on, Josh.

OK. Cards on the table, I think
I'm going to get my own place.

- Oh, right.
- That's a shame.

But who's going to sort out the Ocado?

I don't know. Do it yourself.

Yep, obviously I can do that,

but it's just you've got all the
favourites set up in your account.

It's fine. I just thought
it would be nice, you know?

- Daytona.
- Yeah.

Daytona. They same one
from the bowling alley.

I tracked it down. It's still got
our lap times on it and everything,

but it doesn't matter.

- I'll tell them we don't want it.
- Right.

We should get going then, eh?

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Don't stress. Just enjoy the view.

I've got places to be, Leon.

- I'm having lunch with Abbey.
- You're seeing Abbey?

What?

No, nothing, it's just first
you're getting your own place,

and now lunch with Abbey. It's
weird, because it was only a

year ago she was breaking your heart.

That was pretty rough on you, mate.

Joss, we just made it.

You've been handed your
plate, your clean plate.

Don't just fill it up with
the first thing you see.

Classy. Comparing women to buffet items.

They're ready for you now.

Come on.

Thanks for coming in. Who have I got?

This is Adam Watson, Josh Connors,

Leon Harper and, sorry,

which one are you again?

Ewan. Ewan Fox.

I can't see you named
anywhere on the writ.

Well, I should be. Absolutely.

Absolutely should be named on the writ.

Well, she's right, you're not here,

so technically you
don't need to be here.

Well... Let's just pencil me on
the writ and proceed, shall be?

We're alleging intellectual theft.

Back in 2009, your client stole the

core idea of making a game about cats.

If you'd like to...

See, what did I tell you?
Look at the evidence.

- A wizard's forearm.
- I'm not a wizard.

We have photographs that prove
that that tattoo predates

the video game, and in terms of
similarity to the finished design...

Yeah, see, it does look a bit the same.

If I could just have a
moment with my clients?

OK, show's over. Let's just stare
him down and watch him crumble.

Watto, I'm only going
to ask you this once.

- Did you steal it?
- No.

No way.

Although 2009 was a bit
of a heavy one for me.

So, what? You're not sure?

- Christ.
- Shit.

Oh, my God. That's huge.

OK, no, he didn't, and I know he
didn't because he's a genius.

In here, that's where Cats came from.

- Isn't that right, Watto?
- Yeah, right.

OK, let me tell you how
this is going to go.

It is going to go to trial, and
they're going to drag it out,

and they will wear you down
over years and years and years,

and the night before, you will cave,

because that's what
people like you always do,

and then you'll end up giving
them whatever they want.

- They can hear us.
- So, what are you saying?

Chocolate.

I'm saying pay now, take the
hit, save yourself the ulcer.

- Chocolate.
- Ewan, what are you doing?

Just trying to see if they can hear us.

By whispering chocolate?

He's not a fucking Labrador.

We listen to the grown-up. We
bite our tongue and we just settle.

I might ask Paul if I can
get my 18 grand bonus back.

Yeah, I really would
like my bonus back now.

- I really have to go.
- Now?

- You're going now?
- You'll be fine.

And leave it to him.

No winging it. You're flightless birds.

Grebes. Flightless birds.

The South African grebe.

So, having had a brief
conversation with my client,

we would be prepared to talk
about a small settlement.

Great. He also wants a credit
along with two percentage

- points on domestic...
- Wait, he wants a credit?

In recognition of his significant

contribution to your joint success.

He didn't do anything. We did.

Eight years of hard work.

Ewan sat down for so
long he got a bedsore.

- That's factually correct.
- We can haggle

- about the credit later.
- No, no, we can't.

We want the credit, a
percentage of future royalties.

We'd be happy to talk about the credit.

- No, we wouldn't.
- We'd like to leave the

- credit on the table.
- I'm taking the credit off the table.

I'm authorised to go over his head.

- No, you're not.
- So, you can just ignore him,

because this comes straight
from Casey Renhard.

It does, yeah.

And we would like to leave
the credit on the table.

Well, I am snapping the legs off
the table and I am eating the table.

That's me doing that.

See you in court, bucko.

Sorry.

A bit of an emergency at work.
But it's cool, it's all sorted.

This place is amazing.

But I take it you're paying for it,

cos these prices are
total fucking bullshit.

What are you doing?

I'm just perusing the wine list.

Is that right? Perusing?

Please don't do that,
it's really nice paper.

See this bit on the right-hand
side with all the numbers on it?

Don't need that bit any more.

So, what, you mean I can order
a wine that I actually want?

Yeah. No more just ordering
the second from the top.

- Cos that's what I always do.
- Go down.

I'm talking fourth,
fifth, sixth one down.

Or how about this one?
Number nine, tannins.

Oh, I love tannins. What's tannins?

I don't know. But we'll
find out. Waiter?!

Hi. This one, please.

- Bottle of.
- Sure.

- Bosh.
- Boom.

Boom. Even better.

And I just want to say...

Thanks...

... and sorry.

Um, I know things got a bit weird
between us with work and stuff...

It wasn't your work, Josh, it was you.

Your total inability to have fun.

Even when I take you to
Berlin for your 30th.

I told you, I was crying
about the Berlin Wall.

No, you were crying because
of that review that

said your video game
had terrible controls.

It didn't say it had terrible controls.

Don't get me wrong, Josh,
I quite like men who cry.

But you were crying a lot.

Just running around crying
like a big town crier.

I was under a lot of pressure.

We all are, Josh, just some of
us find the time to have, say,

six minutes of fun two times a week.

Like, I love The Smiths.

- Yeah.
- Really love them.

I love them more than
I love my mum's dog.

But I can't listen to them for ever.

Sometimes I need a bit of Katy Perry.

Well, that's me now.
You know, fun, fun, fun.

I'm basically Katy Perry with
a semi-beard and a penis.

I'm, I'm enjoying myself.

- How?
- I bought a new pair of jeans...

... that I actually really like.

And I'm going to get my own place.

- Away from the guys.
- Is that right?

Yeah, I'm going to stop being
such a grey cloud and get myself

together, you know? And
if you wanted to do...

I'm fucking Greg.

- Who's Greg?
- Townsend.

- Who's Greg Townsend?
- The guy that I'm fucking...

Seeing... Going out... Oh, sorry.
That came out all wrong.

- I didn't mean for it to slip...
- No. It's fine.

I think I knew that anyway.

I wasn't suggesting that we uh...

Well...

You OK?

Risotto looks good.

_

I've just got to make a quick call.

[ANSWER PHONE]: You have one
new message. Message one.

?750 for a bottle of wine!

- Bloody tannins!
- Josh. He wanted a credit.

- He's not getting one.
- Great.

Bag. Bag.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

- Hey, Paula.
- Hi.

Sashimi. You are pushing the boat out.

Yeah. Just fancied it.

Yeah. No, great.

That's brilliant. So, listen,
apropos the little bonus.

There's been a tiny change
in my personal circumstances.

I mentioned something to Sam about it,

only because I just assumed
that he'd be getting the same.

I just thought, why would it
only be me getting the bonus?

I've only been here two months.

Oh, totally cool.

Good.

Right, OK.

Hey, Sam.

Um...

I'd like to give you ?18,000.

Hey, Emily.

I'd like to give you ?18,000.

- Good, well that's been...
- Brilliant.

Hey, Barney.

I'd like to give you ?18,000.

In fact, let me just... Hey, everyone.

Ah!

Hey, everyone. Um...

Ewan.

I, I work here. I founded...

Co-founded... I'm nothing,
really, but here I am.

Anyway, I'd like to give all of
you, if poss, up to you, but...

?18,000, really.

- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- I just really would like to do that.

- OK?
- [EXCITED CHATTER]

Oh, Sally.

Lovely sarnies.

I'd like to give you,
I suppose, yes, ?18,000.

Thank you.

OK.

Ewan, what was that?

Um, Paula didn't know who I
was so I gave her 18 grand

and then everyone found out and...

Well, they all know who
you are now, mate.

You're the man that gives them ?18,000.

Yep. That's me, that's who I am.

I'm the guy who's just given away

somewhere in the region of
half a million pounds. Oh.

There she blows. Do excuse me.
She who must be obeyed.

Are you OK?

God, that was so stressful.

I was, like, what?!
My hands are gushing.

Touch them, they still feel damp.

I'm fine.

I just need to commune
with the mighty Java bean.

It's all over the internet,
about the lawsuit.

I think she must have leaked it.

- The other guy's lawyer.
- Christ.

You know, the best thing you could
do right now is to sack it all off

- and go to the pub.
- Uh, probably not a great idea.

I have historically struggled to stop

at just one, if not, indeed, seven.

Me and the girls from the office,

when it's been a hard
morning, lunchtime...

Afternoon, hit a bit of a
sleepy patch around three,

cheeky livener in the toilet.

- Hello again.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

Uh-oh. Casey's on the horn.

This cannot be good news.

Drama.

Have you been online?

How did my name get
caught up in this fucking...

Leon, I left you with
very strict instructions.

Well, maybe if you
hadn't been out on your

- eternal lunch with your phone off.
- It's online. Reuters.

[HE GROANS]

Well then, it's over, isn't it?

Were going to end up in
a car park sucking dick.

Me, crouched behind a Mazda
with a cock in my mouth.

Josh, he wanted a credit,
he doesn't deserve it.

No! No-one does, Leon.

No-one deserves ?40 million

for a cat game that
mums play on the toilet.

These jeans! I'm just
going to take them off.

Don't. Don't do that. Please.

Me again. Hi.

Hello. Sorry to be the bearer of bad
juju, but I've got Casey again.

She just wants Leon.

Leon. How are you enjoying your money?

I like it. Quite a lot.

Bought a Ferrari.

You bought a Ferrari?

Jesus Christ. What is this, 1989?

Holy shit, Gordon Gekko,
why did you buy a Ferrari?

What are you listening to
in your Ferrari, Leon?

The best of Phil Collins?
Oh, my God. A Prius.

Leon, everyone drives
a Prius, that's just basic.

I mean, Zuckerberg's in
a smart car, for God sakes.

I need you to fire Watto.

I can't fire Watto.

I need a skull, Leon.
Someone's to blame.

Cos this is out there now.

It's online.

Watto's a liability, so he has to go.

Either it's on Watto

or it's on all of you.

So, if this goes to court and we lose,

we are all going to have to pay

1.175 million each.

Pounds. Each.

And how much would that
leave us with, individually?

- 13.3.
- Oh!

Then you take out the
half-million for the bonuses,

plus the deposit for the zorbing,
which is non-refundable...

12.8.

Day one, and I'm already
down to ?12.8 million.

Now I'm the arsehole who
sits around moaning

about only having ?12.8 million.

- Fabulous.
- What did Casey say?

Nothing. She wants us
to get rid of Watto.

What? Fire Watto?

No way! We're not doing it.

Yeah, I didn't say we were doing it.

It's either him or us.

- Right, so you're considering it.
- I didn't say that, did I?

- Where is Watto?
- Naomi?

- Have you seen Watto?
- Yeah.

- I think he's gone to the pub.
- Why would he

- have gone to the pub?
- I told him to.

I said just blow it off,

get wasted, and forget everything.

- Shit. Get him on the phone.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, no. Was that not
the right thing to do?

- It's just going to answerphone.
- An Uber receipt's been

e-mailed to the business account.

What's he doing out there?

Get the Ferrari.

Leon.

All this stuff with Casey.

Who the hell have sold ourselves to?

I think it's this one.

Oh, God.

You can't see just feet, can you?

If you can see just feet,
that's usually a bad thing.

Oh, Jesus, what have I done?

Nothing fills the void. Nothing.

So, I got in a cab and I asked

him to bring me to the river, and

on the way we went past this
place. You know Birkenstocks?

They're like sandals for ponces.

There was a shop and...

Don't get me wrong, I like them,
I'm just not crazy about them.

I went in the shop and I said...

"I want all of them."

Like, all of them.

Like,

every single one of them.

In all the sizes.

Yeah. That is a considerable
amount of sandals.

But you're all right,
though, yeah? You're clean?

I'm all right.

It's just the shoes.

I felt bad.

Like I let you down.

Like I let my own personal
bullshit affect you guys.

It's not like that, mate.

Just call us next time.

So we can say,

"Sure, buy yourself some sandals.

"Just not in such vast quantities."

It's just a quick hit.

A splurge.

I don't know, man.

It's just a different
way of filling that hole.

Actually...

What?

What?

Josh, just trust me, yeah?

I got us this far, didn't I?

Yeah. Look where we are...
on a barge with sandals.

Leon. This is definitely
going to work, right?

It has to work for Watto.

Yes, Josh, this is going to work.

[HE KNOCKS]

Ross. Get out here, mate.

- Our lawyer said not to talk to you.
- I bet she did.

Leon's got an offer for
you. Haven't you, Leon?

Come with me, Ross.

Ewan, give it the revs!

OK. One second. Ah...

[HORN TOOTS]

- Sor... Hang on.
- [CAR REVS]

Fucking O'Riley.

We can just save ourselves a headache

and shake hands right here, right now.

I don't want it. No deal.

No? All right.

Plus 20 grand in cash, but...

... that is my final offer.

Not interested.

OK. Fine.

What else can we offer him, Leon?

You might want to pop
out a second, boys.

OK, Leon, what the fuck is that?

There's something you
should know about me, Ross.

I am basically the pettiest,
most spiteful man in the world.

OK. We need to talk about this.

The point is, Ross,

I will burn the 200 grand

sports car outside your house

before I let you get the
better of me and my mates.

Nah. You won't do it. No way.

Yeah, you're probably right.

OK, yeah, we've got to get back.

My fingers are getting warm, Ross.

Ross, take the Ferrari.

Take the quick hit.

I know you don't have the
stomach for the long game.

I'll take it! I'll take it!
The car and the money!

Good choice, mate.

Owner's manual's in the glove box.

What the hell, Leon?

That was amazing, man.

What about the car? You love that car.

I was thinking of
getting a Prius anyway.

So, what do we do now?

Call a taxi.

Forget a taxi, mate,
we could hail a helicopter.

[THEY LAUGH]

Yeah, give me your gold coins!

I will take them to bed with me.

Oh, you absolute knob, Watto!
That's just rank bad manners.

Ewan, I've got your back.
Booshka! I bossed you,

- my friend!
- Wanker!

Get off! My jeans! My jeans are pinchy.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Leon, it's yours.

It's Casey. It's Casey.

Boys, relax. I've got this.

Casey. Sorted. I told
you I'd take care of it.

Great work, Leon. I'm coming over.

I'm coming over to the UK.

Wait, what for? It's all sorted now.

Leon, you really think we're
going to spend 300 million

acquiring you and then
just leave you alone?

Sorry. You can't see, but
I'm highly amused by this.

I'll be over in two days.

If you got any bodies lying around,

I'd fire up the wood chipper.

Oh, my God, she absolutely hates us.

Everyone hates us now.

That's just the facts.

It's like we're in one of
them light aircraft crashes

and all the passengers
die, it's on the news

and everyone's like, "Oh, boo-hoo.

"What was the Everton score again?"

Nobody cares.

Because only rich people can afford
to fly around in little planes,

and nobody likes rich people.

Including me. And I'm one of them.

So, in theory, I hate myself.

And you.

And you.

So, in summary, fuck me,

fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.

The end.

Sorry, I just had a sudden wave of

remorse for all the horrible
things I ever said about lovely,

lovely Chris Martin.

He's right, you know.

There's never been a more
insensitive time to be a millionaire.

Yeah, of course he's right.

That's why we have to
stick together. Us.

We're the only ones that get this now.

Maybe I was a bit rash

about the house.

Maybe it is quite nice.

Sweet, because I already bought it.

You all owe me ?1.6 million. Each.

You dick.

What? You just said you wanted it.

[THEY LAUGH]

Right, I'm going to get
an early night because

I have a long journey in the morning.

I'll see you at home.

Oh, dear. Chicken?

Oh, hello, son. Is your dad home?
Tall, bald, used to work in the

- business loan department at the bank?
- He's not here.

Oh. Right.

Because I've just driven
all the way out to Oxford.

It's just a really long way.

I tell you what...

Would you be able to pass
on a little message for me?

OK, sure.

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