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1
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My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
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My best friend died out of nowhere.
3
00:00:05,321 --> 00:00:07,181
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:07,228 --> 00:00:09,454
- And my wife, well...
- Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:09,773 --> 00:00:11,704
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years,
6
00:00:11,753 --> 00:00:14,187
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
7
00:00:14,312 --> 00:00:15,909
I've decided to live my life
8
00:00:15,950 --> 00:00:17,893
100% by the Bible.
9
00:00:17,942 --> 00:00:19,666
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS)
10
00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:21,020
I get that reaction a lot.
11
00:00:21,161 --> 00:00:22,903
But with the help of my God Squad,
12
00:00:22,947 --> 00:00:24,426
I'm becoming a better man,
13
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:25,805
one verse at a time.
14
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,335
I am living biblically.
15
00:00:33,146 --> 00:00:36,306
Guys, guess who's
becoming a better person?
16
00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:40,404
I don't know, Chip. Is it the guy
aggressively bragging in my face?
17
00:00:40,492 --> 00:00:42,331
- (LAUGHS)
- You got it.
18
00:00:42,437 --> 00:00:44,137
(LAUGHS)
19
00:00:44,382 --> 00:00:46,335
You know the Bible says
to be humble, right?
20
00:00:46,511 --> 00:00:49,586
Mm. So does multiplatinum
recording artist Kendrick Lamar.
21
00:00:51,608 --> 00:00:52,661
Well, this is true.
22
00:00:52,689 --> 00:00:55,774
And, uh, I am living 100% by the Bible,
23
00:00:56,053 --> 00:00:57,564
so no more bragging, okay?
24
00:00:57,987 --> 00:00:59,310
Gonna be tricky, though,
'cause it's pretty much
25
00:00:59,344 --> 00:01:02,124
all awesome all the time over here.
(LAUGHS)
26
00:01:02,194 --> 00:01:03,560
Wish I could say the same.
27
00:01:04,056 --> 00:01:07,187
Last night, my dog ate my weed gummies.
28
00:01:09,427 --> 00:01:12,166
Neither of us had the
night we'd hoped for.
29
00:01:18,976 --> 00:01:20,594
So, Chip, uh... Mm?
30
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:23,884
...my barbershop quartet
is playing here next week.
31
00:01:23,985 --> 00:01:25,637
- Mm-hmm?
- I sent you an Evite,
32
00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:30,126
and, uh, you didn't get back
to ? Me-me-me-me-me... ?
33
00:01:30,385 --> 00:01:31,556
(CHUCKLES)
34
00:01:31,587 --> 00:01:34,468
A barbershop quartet invite?
No, I-I didn't get it.
35
00:01:35,088 --> 00:01:37,165
Well,
I got a notification that you opened it.
36
00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:41,254
Huh.
37
00:01:41,508 --> 00:01:43,341
Well, now, I was hacked recently.
38
00:01:44,457 --> 00:01:45,553
Russians, you think, maybe?
39
00:01:45,581 --> 00:01:47,391
Yeah, yeah. Probably the Russians.
40
00:01:48,311 --> 00:01:50,219
Well, now you know about it.
You gonna be there?
41
00:01:50,785 --> 00:01:52,843
(GROANS) I don't know, man.
You know, I...
42
00:01:53,802 --> 00:01:56,216
I mean, I'm-a have to deal with
this whole hacking situation.
43
00:01:56,696 --> 00:01:59,011
And, um, oh! Plus,
44
00:01:59,262 --> 00:02:02,029
you know what? I have a dentist
appointment at that same time.
45
00:02:02,794 --> 00:02:04,964
You-you have a 9:00 p.m.
dental appointment?
46
00:02:05,633 --> 00:02:07,011
Yep. Mm-hmm.
47
00:02:07,046 --> 00:02:08,748
- It's a night dentist.
- Oh.
48
00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:10,125
- Really?
- Yeah.
49
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:11,258
What's his name?
50
00:02:11,536 --> 00:02:13,004
Uh, her name?
51
00:02:14,697 --> 00:02:16,048
Interesting that you just assume
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00:02:16,082 --> 00:02:18,282
only men could be night dentists.
(CHUCKLES)
53
00:02:18,527 --> 00:02:19,684
Can you believe this guy, Gil?
54
00:02:19,713 --> 00:02:21,282
What's the name, Chip?
55
00:02:23,883 --> 00:02:25,830
It's, uh, uh, you know...
56
00:02:26,142 --> 00:02:27,942
Rebecca Cavity, DDS.
57
00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:30,820
Come on, Chip.
For a guy who was just bragging
58
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:32,841
about living 100% by the Bible,
59
00:02:33,176 --> 00:02:35,710
you forgot
"thou shalt not bear false witness."
60
00:02:35,860 --> 00:02:37,896
Hmm. Is that what
"don't bear false witness" means?
61
00:02:38,013 --> 00:02:39,245
No lying?
62
00:02:40,147 --> 00:02:41,586
I did not know that.
63
00:02:42,016 --> 00:02:43,449
Yeah, you did, Chip.
64
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:50,440
You know, I have to say,
65
00:02:50,978 --> 00:02:53,605
I've always thought of myself
as a pretty honest guy, but...
66
00:02:53,911 --> 00:02:57,314
Gene and Gil made me realize that I
have just been lying all the time.
67
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,509
How'd they do that?
68
00:02:58,632 --> 00:03:01,461
Well, I lied to them, and they noticed,
and then they called me a liar.
69
00:03:01,813 --> 00:03:03,379
But I'm done.
70
00:03:03,468 --> 00:03:05,497
No more lies of any kind for me.
71
00:03:05,843 --> 00:03:07,689
Huh. Wow. No more lying?
72
00:03:08,112 --> 00:03:09,495
Well, I can't be mad at that.
73
00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:11,445
I assume I will at some point, but...
74
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:12,814
(CHUCKLES)
75
00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:14,776
Aw. Did you make me eggs?
76
00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:17,553
Yup.
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(SIGHS) Oops. That was a lie.
78
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,439
I made them for me,
but here, I don't want them.
79
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:24,798
(GROANING): Ugh. That was also a lie.
80
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:27,506
I want them very much,
but only one of us is pregnant,
81
00:03:27,573 --> 00:03:28,705
so here, have them.
82
00:03:29,595 --> 00:03:31,321
- This is gonna be hard for you.
- (SIGHS)
83
00:03:31,365 --> 00:03:32,556
But so much fun for me.
84
00:03:32,586 --> 00:03:33,742
- Mm-hmm.
- (GIGGLES)
85
00:03:33,772 --> 00:03:36,480
Now I can ask you anything I've
always wanted to know the truth about.
86
00:03:36,548 --> 00:03:38,304
Ha-ha. Okay. Great.
87
00:03:38,813 --> 00:03:41,236
From now on, I am an open book.
88
00:03:42,729 --> 00:03:43,825
Stop staring at my eggs.
89
00:03:43,853 --> 00:03:44,899
(GROANS)
90
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,046
Okay.
91
00:03:47,570 --> 00:03:51,256
When I text you a joke,
and you text me back "LOL"...
92
00:03:51,434 --> 00:03:53,434
- Mm-hmm.
- ...are you really laughing out loud?
93
00:03:53,749 --> 00:03:54,927
I smile sometimes.
94
00:03:56,138 --> 00:03:58,114
Uh-huh. Do you really not
know how to do laundry,
95
00:03:58,164 --> 00:03:59,497
or do you just not want to do it?
96
00:03:59,703 --> 00:04:02,298
No, I truly have no
idea how to do laundry.
97
00:04:03,831 --> 00:04:05,712
Did you really shave
your chest last year
98
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,760
because it made clothes
more comfortable?
99
00:04:08,035 --> 00:04:09,803
No. I just wanted to
see what it looked like,
100
00:04:09,848 --> 00:04:11,447
and I loved what it looked like.
101
00:04:13,249 --> 00:04:15,183
Here's some truth for you: I did not.
102
00:04:15,232 --> 00:04:16,665
(LAUGHS)
103
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,491
See? This is liberating. I love this.
Next question.
104
00:04:19,662 --> 00:04:21,287
Do you find my sister attractive?
105
00:04:24,702 --> 00:04:26,912
You're going straight from
manscaping to your hot sister?
106
00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:28,021
I didn't say "hot."
107
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,518
And I think that's enough questions.
108
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:31,595
(CLEARS THROAT)
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I am loving this.
110
00:04:32,859 --> 00:04:34,696
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, I'm late for work.
111
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,159
Don't forget we got that date with Vince
112
00:04:36,195 --> 00:04:37,431
and his new girlfriend tonight.
113
00:04:37,463 --> 00:04:40,056
That's tonight? I was supposed to
have dinner with Linda from work.
114
00:04:40,122 --> 00:04:41,366
Oh, yeah? Big Linda?
115
00:04:41,398 --> 00:04:42,597
No. I wish.
116
00:04:43,094 --> 00:04:45,027
- Weird Linda.
- Oh.
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00:04:45,123 --> 00:04:47,224
The one who sounds like
a chipmunk on helium.
118
00:04:48,345 --> 00:04:50,894
Why did you make dinner plans
with somebody you don't like?
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00:04:51,113 --> 00:04:52,854
Because she does all the
scheduling at work.
120
00:04:52,898 --> 00:04:54,347
And if I don't act like I like her,
121
00:04:54,384 --> 00:04:56,314
I'll be working every night,
weekend and holiday.
122
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,744
I'd rather hang out
with you tonight, babe.
123
00:04:59,075 --> 00:05:00,783
I mean, I'll just make something up.
124
00:05:00,972 --> 00:05:03,773
I see. So, you got yourself
into this because of a lie,
125
00:05:03,844 --> 00:05:05,975
and now you're gonna use
another lie to get out of it?
126
00:05:06,061 --> 00:05:07,791
After that great honesty
breakthrough we just had,
127
00:05:07,835 --> 00:05:09,513
while you were pigging out on my eggs?
128
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:12,071
That's right. I just need
to think of an excuse
129
00:05:12,117 --> 00:05:13,561
I haven't used on her before.
130
00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:16,157
Well, look, if you want to keep lying,
that's your decision.
131
00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:17,579
I am sticking with the truth.
132
00:05:17,922 --> 00:05:20,122
Which reminds me, I
have another question.
133
00:05:20,297 --> 00:05:21,934
On your bachelor party
trip to Thailand...
134
00:05:21,975 --> 00:05:22,989
Okeydoke.
135
00:05:35,841 --> 00:05:36,889
(WHISPERS): Hey.
136
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,637
Geez, Chip. You so late,
137
00:05:39,676 --> 00:05:41,255
you might want to take a pregnancy test.
138
00:05:41,296 --> 00:05:42,601
(LAUGHS)
139
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,167
You and Leslie psyched about tonight?
140
00:05:44,399 --> 00:05:45,650
You're gonna love Emily.
141
00:05:45,787 --> 00:05:47,646
She's smart, she's funny.
142
00:05:47,961 --> 00:05:49,129
I'm really serious about her.
143
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:50,732
I'm cleaning my apartment twice a week.
144
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:52,149
I bought a lamp.
145
00:05:52,187 --> 00:05:54,121
What? IKEA?
146
00:05:54,209 --> 00:05:55,212
Pier 1.
147
00:05:55,238 --> 00:05:57,538
Wow. Yeah.
148
00:05:57,828 --> 00:05:59,306
Well, we can't wait to meet her, man.
149
00:05:59,344 --> 00:06:00,510
And, uh, that's the truth,
150
00:06:00,572 --> 00:06:02,975
because as per the Bible,
I am no longer lying.
151
00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:04,663
- Sounds like a great idea.
- Uh-huh.
152
00:06:04,744 --> 00:06:05,967
I am lying.
153
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,265
(LAUGHS)
154
00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:08,809
You just getting in, Chip?
155
00:06:08,842 --> 00:06:10,958
Is there a good reason why
you're 40 minutes late?
156
00:06:11,819 --> 00:06:13,334
A good reason?
157
00:06:14,426 --> 00:06:16,098
- No.
- Huh?
158
00:06:17,455 --> 00:06:18,533
What?
159
00:06:19,127 --> 00:06:20,426
So then, why are you late?
160
00:06:21,413 --> 00:06:23,565
Well, the truth is,
my sheets were super snuggly,
161
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,079
and I didn't want to get out of bed.
162
00:06:26,337 --> 00:06:28,083
I don't know what you're
doing, but stop it.
163
00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:29,743
Because you are throwing me off.
164
00:06:30,130 --> 00:06:32,018
I don't even know why
I came down here now.
165
00:06:32,744 --> 00:06:34,900
I have stopped lying, Ms. Meadows.
166
00:06:35,205 --> 00:06:37,259
You see, in the Ten Commandments,
they state that...
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00:06:37,321 --> 00:06:39,080
I command you to shut the hell up, Chip.
168
00:06:41,294 --> 00:06:42,760
Folks!
169
00:06:42,999 --> 00:06:45,561
The staff is going through some changes.
170
00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:48,917
As you know, Cheryl's
cat got tail cancer.
171
00:06:49,613 --> 00:06:52,865
So she's taking some time off to give it
"che-meow-therapy."
172
00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:57,614
We have somebody new coming in
to check out the office today.
173
00:06:57,870 --> 00:06:59,403
Doug Rakhe.
174
00:06:59,734 --> 00:07:01,358
Now, he is fielding
175
00:07:01,429 --> 00:07:05,886
quite a few offers, but I want
him to be our new sports writer.
176
00:07:06,299 --> 00:07:07,455
Maybe you've heard about
177
00:07:07,485 --> 00:07:09,832
his insanely popular sports column,
178
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,099
"Doug's Balls"?
179
00:07:11,162 --> 00:07:12,795
- I love "Doug's Balls."
- Oh, me, too.
180
00:07:12,949 --> 00:07:14,357
Every guy loves "Doug's Balls."
181
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,559
Women do, too, Chip.
182
00:07:17,245 --> 00:07:18,857
Oh! Here he is now.
183
00:07:18,898 --> 00:07:20,698
Everybody, meet Doug.
184
00:07:20,826 --> 00:07:22,126
(CHUCKLES) 'Sup, y'all?
185
00:07:22,629 --> 00:07:23,634
MEADOWS: Welcome.
186
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,694
I'd just like you to
get to know everybody.
187
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,976
And make him feel at home,
folks. Okay?
188
00:07:28,428 --> 00:07:30,194
When I open up our newspaper,
189
00:07:30,354 --> 00:07:32,988
I want to see "Doug's Balls" in my face.
190
00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,199
Hey, we love your column.
191
00:07:36,233 --> 00:07:37,791
Yeah. You're really killing it, man.
192
00:07:37,831 --> 00:07:40,059
Ah, killing it? I don't know.
You tell me.
193
00:07:40,115 --> 00:07:41,981
I arrived in an UberXL.
194
00:07:43,456 --> 00:07:45,352
I was a contestant on Jeopardy! once.
195
00:07:45,408 --> 00:07:47,225
What is "came in second"?
196
00:07:47,271 --> 00:07:49,004
(CHUCKLES)
197
00:07:49,048 --> 00:07:50,725
Yeah, I started my own line of vodka
198
00:07:50,768 --> 00:07:52,866
with The Rock... 's assistant.
199
00:07:52,919 --> 00:07:55,133
(CHUCKLES): Ah. The Rock's assistant.
200
00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:57,046
What's his name, "The Pebble"?
You know, 'cause of the...
201
00:07:57,093 --> 00:07:58,960
We don't joke about The Rock.
202
00:08:01,846 --> 00:08:03,547
Well, hey. (CLEARS THROAT)
How you doing?
203
00:08:03,861 --> 00:08:04,993
Chip. Huh?
204
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:07,325
You may have heard of my column.
"Living Biblically"?
205
00:08:10,159 --> 00:08:12,842
And this is Vince. He's, uh,
the best crime reporter in the city.
206
00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:14,424
Well, that's not true.
207
00:08:14,454 --> 00:08:16,120
He's the best crime reporter here.
208
00:08:16,194 --> 00:08:17,631
Well, actually, Becky's pretty good.
209
00:08:17,668 --> 00:08:19,101
Just say I'm the crime reporter.
210
00:08:19,612 --> 00:08:21,869
Hey, Ms. Meadows made
me a pretty dope offer,
211
00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:24,560
so I guess things are
popping off around here.
212
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,060
- They are, right?
- (LAUGHS)
213
00:08:26,092 --> 00:08:27,863
Wait, does "popping
off" mean good or bad?
214
00:08:27,998 --> 00:08:30,064
Good. Oh, well, then, no,
we're doing real bad.
215
00:08:30,799 --> 00:08:33,328
I mean, we have to share our
bathroom with a falafel restaurant.
216
00:08:33,422 --> 00:08:35,758
The good news is the falafels
are really delicious, though.
217
00:08:35,865 --> 00:08:37,820
Oh, that's a lie; they
taste like fried sand.
218
00:08:37,869 --> 00:08:39,078
Vince, help me out here?
219
00:08:39,121 --> 00:08:41,355
Why don't you ask Becky,
since you love her so much?
220
00:08:42,284 --> 00:08:43,905
Is there anything good about this place?
221
00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:45,125
I'm pretty great.
222
00:08:45,222 --> 00:08:46,821
Well, honestly, I can be a bit much.
223
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,349
You know, telling the truth
is a lot like skinny-dipping.
224
00:08:54,415 --> 00:08:56,182
At first, it's a little uncomfortable,
225
00:08:56,226 --> 00:08:57,964
but then after you get
used to it, it's like,
226
00:08:58,009 --> 00:08:59,376
"Why isn't everybody doing this?"
227
00:09:00,078 --> 00:09:01,925
Do you know anything about
Vince's girlfriend?
228
00:09:01,972 --> 00:09:02,983
Mm-mm.
229
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,843
- I hope she's better than the last one.
- Ugh.
230
00:09:04,889 --> 00:09:06,749
Well, he doesn't have the
greatest track record.
231
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:07,930
I mean, remember Liana?
232
00:09:08,097 --> 00:09:09,634
And every time something bad happened,
233
00:09:09,673 --> 00:09:12,054
she'd always go, "Aw, sad panda."
234
00:09:13,810 --> 00:09:16,941
Yeah. I was feeling real "sad panda"
by the end of that night.
235
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:18,786
(LAUGHS)
236
00:09:19,349 --> 00:09:21,230
But I'll tell you,
this does sound different.
237
00:09:21,416 --> 00:09:23,660
He-he seems pretty serious.
He went out and bought a lamp.
238
00:09:23,717 --> 00:09:24,786
- IKEA?
- Pier 1.
239
00:09:25,275 --> 00:09:26,675
Wow.
240
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:27,779
Hey, guys.
241
00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:28,830
- Hey.
- Hi.
242
00:09:28,857 --> 00:09:30,523
This is Emily.
243
00:09:31,230 --> 00:09:33,545
This... is the woman I'm dating.
244
00:09:35,095 --> 00:09:37,287
Hi, Emily. I'm Chip.
So nice to meet you.
245
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,543
Hi, new friend.
246
00:09:38,643 --> 00:09:40,209
Are you on Instagram?
247
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:42,628
Would you mind giving me a follow?
248
00:09:42,664 --> 00:09:45,732
Unless you already do,
in which case, blessings.
249
00:09:47,335 --> 00:09:49,737
She has 90,000 followers.
250
00:09:49,902 --> 00:09:53,631
That means 89,999 people want to be me.
251
00:09:55,615 --> 00:09:56,729
Oh, uh... uh, babe,
252
00:09:56,758 --> 00:09:59,092
it's called a selfie, not an "us-ie."
253
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:00,822
(CHUCKLES) You get it.
254
00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:03,759
I'm gonna go see if the lighting's
any better in the bathroom, boo.
255
00:10:06,193 --> 00:10:08,454
So, what do you think?
256
00:10:08,511 --> 00:10:09,713
She's pretty great, huh?
257
00:10:10,005 --> 00:10:11,618
- Truthfully...
- I'm gonna see why those drinks
258
00:10:11,659 --> 00:10:12,908
are taking so long.
259
00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:14,452
Wait a minute. We didn't order drinks.
260
00:10:14,491 --> 00:10:15,857
That's the problem.
261
00:10:16,554 --> 00:10:17,588
What's wrong with her?
262
00:10:17,615 --> 00:10:19,064
Oh, she left because she thinks
263
00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:20,490
this is about to get super awkward.
264
00:10:20,525 --> 00:10:22,359
Why would she think it's
gonna get super awkward?
265
00:10:22,445 --> 00:10:23,926
(EXHALES) Because she knows
266
00:10:23,964 --> 00:10:25,823
I have to be honest
with you about Emily.
267
00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:27,331
And why is that a problem?
268
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,701
She kind of sucks, Vince.
269
00:10:32,902 --> 00:10:34,793
Any questions about the menu, guys?
270
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,202
Oh, it's not really a great time.
271
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,148
- Is everything okay?
- Not really.
272
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:40,386
My best friend just told
me my girlfriend sucks.
273
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:42,837
I had to because of the Bible.
274
00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:45,356
Well, this is gonna be a fun table.
275
00:10:47,358 --> 00:10:48,524
Wait, I don't get it, man.
276
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,333
Emily is way better
than my last girlfriend
277
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:52,002
and you said you loved her.
278
00:10:52,054 --> 00:10:54,099
Right, because that's
back when I could lie.
279
00:10:54,432 --> 00:10:56,153
- You didn't love Liana?
- No.
280
00:10:56,650 --> 00:10:58,553
- Did you love any of my girlfriends?
- No.
281
00:10:58,711 --> 00:11:00,744
- You don't have to think about it?
- No.
282
00:11:01,409 --> 00:11:03,328
Look, I-I-I'm sorry, Vince.
283
00:11:03,394 --> 00:11:05,305
I'm not trying to be mean here,
but the truth is
284
00:11:05,354 --> 00:11:06,901
I just really think
you're dating this woman
285
00:11:06,940 --> 00:11:09,427
because of the way she makes
you look and, come on, man.
286
00:11:09,490 --> 00:11:11,023
I think you can do better.
287
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:16,390
Oh, my God. My bathroom selfie
was just liked by David Spade.
288
00:11:17,288 --> 00:11:19,715
You see that? David Spade likes Emily.
289
00:11:21,099 --> 00:11:22,511
Let's go. Say good-bye to Chip.
290
00:11:22,547 --> 00:11:23,621
- Ah...
- Who's Chip?
291
00:11:23,649 --> 00:11:25,260
And wasn't there a
girl over here before?
292
00:11:25,441 --> 00:11:26,907
Come on. Vince!
293
00:11:26,944 --> 00:11:28,584
Chip, we have a huge problem.
294
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:30,562
Yes, I know. Vince is super pissed.
295
00:11:30,611 --> 00:11:33,803
- No. Linda is here, from work.
- Oh, Big Linda?
296
00:11:33,884 --> 00:11:35,505
Would I be panicked if
Big Linda was here?
297
00:11:35,546 --> 00:11:37,465
I love Big Linda. Weird Linda is here.
298
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,116
- Oh.
- And I told her I had to cancel tonight
299
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:40,454
because you had food poisoning.
300
00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:42,976
- I don't have food poisoning.
- I know! Let's get out of here.
301
00:11:43,195 --> 00:11:45,638
Uh... Leslie?
302
00:11:45,898 --> 00:11:48,665
Hi. Hi, Linda.
303
00:11:49,225 --> 00:11:50,718
And Chip?
304
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,945
Don't you have food poisoning?
305
00:12:00,054 --> 00:12:02,280
I... do...
306
00:12:03,273 --> 00:12:05,501
not have food poisoning.
307
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,124
Ugh. Sad panda.
308
00:12:13,089 --> 00:12:16,782
I-I just never realized
how much I needed to lie.
309
00:12:17,483 --> 00:12:20,295
Now my wife's in trouble at work
and my best friend hates me.
310
00:12:21,142 --> 00:12:22,463
I still love you, baby.
311
00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:25,781
Found my gummies.
312
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,434
Well, thanks, Gracie. I-I love you, too.
313
00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:32,343
Keep it in your pants, Chip.
314
00:12:34,851 --> 00:12:37,618
I mean, are any of the Bible rules fun?
315
00:12:38,506 --> 00:12:41,092
Isn't there, like, a...
water park section?
316
00:12:42,981 --> 00:12:44,492
There's some flooding.
317
00:12:47,805 --> 00:12:49,819
I mean, how do you guys tell
the truth at all times?
318
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,769
(CHUCKLES) Oh, we don't. No.
319
00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:54,177
That'd be crazy.
320
00:12:54,203 --> 00:12:56,125
I mean, we try to,
of course, but, you know...
321
00:12:56,173 --> 00:12:58,273
- We-we don't want everyone to hate us.
- Yeah.
322
00:12:59,004 --> 00:13:01,331
Which is what's happening
to you, so you get it.
323
00:13:02,537 --> 00:13:05,537
Look, there are certain must-lie
situations in life, Chip.
324
00:13:05,624 --> 00:13:08,491
I told my wife the truth
about her haircut once,
325
00:13:08,686 --> 00:13:12,588
and, well, let's just say
I "fell" down the stairs.
326
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:18,409
I mean, even-even priests
and rabbis understand
327
00:13:18,489 --> 00:13:20,088
that you can't always tell the truth.
328
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:21,946
Like the time we lied when you asked
329
00:13:21,987 --> 00:13:23,687
if you have a feminine sneeze.
330
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:26,787
Would've hurt your
feelings if we told you
331
00:13:26,832 --> 00:13:28,643
that you sneeze like
a tiny, little girl.
332
00:13:30,484 --> 00:13:31,644
Oh, okay.
333
00:13:31,674 --> 00:13:33,836
What, like you guys sneeze so cool?
334
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:36,175
See? It hurt your feelings.
335
00:13:36,456 --> 00:13:37,774
Just like when you lied to Gil
336
00:13:37,808 --> 00:13:39,673
about his barbershop quartet show.
337
00:13:39,816 --> 00:13:41,829
I mean, come on, nobody
wants to go to that thing.
338
00:13:46,227 --> 00:13:47,502
Except me.
339
00:13:48,834 --> 00:13:50,057
Well, you know what,
340
00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:52,186
the Bible doesn't say,
"Thou shalt tell the truth
341
00:13:52,239 --> 00:13:53,488
when it's convenient." Right?
342
00:13:53,777 --> 00:13:56,007
So, I am, I am gonna try my best
343
00:13:56,063 --> 00:13:58,397
to just stick with being
honest at all times.
344
00:13:58,574 --> 00:14:00,560
Fine. Commendable even.
345
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,926
But if you don't have
anything nice to say,
346
00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:04,870
maybe shut your mouth.
347
00:14:05,517 --> 00:14:07,420
Yeah, but see, isn't
that a lie of omission?
348
00:14:07,468 --> 00:14:09,334
Shut your mouth, Chip.
349
00:14:12,232 --> 00:14:13,296
All right, well,
350
00:14:13,578 --> 00:14:16,345
thanks for the guidance
and I will shut my mouth
351
00:14:16,509 --> 00:14:18,782
as soon as I open it twice
more just to fix things
352
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,223
with my wife and my best friend.
353
00:14:20,258 --> 00:14:21,558
(HIGH-PITCHED SNEEZE)
354
00:14:22,583 --> 00:14:23,882
Bless you, ma'am.
355
00:14:35,717 --> 00:14:37,542
- Can we talk?
- I'm not talking to you.
356
00:14:38,106 --> 00:14:40,021
Come on, man. Are you serious?
357
00:14:40,069 --> 00:14:42,615
Chip, I am more serious
than a comedy on Amazon.
358
00:14:46,773 --> 00:14:48,973
Look, there's got to be a reason
359
00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:51,098
that this lying commandment exists.
360
00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:55,168
And I really believe that
it's because in the long run,
361
00:14:55,267 --> 00:14:57,032
we're just better off with the truth.
362
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,262
Is this gonna turn into
an apology anytime soon?
363
00:14:59,392 --> 00:15:02,960
Yes. I am sorry, Vince. Okay?
364
00:15:03,209 --> 00:15:05,047
Look, man, I just want you to be happy
365
00:15:05,094 --> 00:15:07,964
and I don't think you would be with
that Emily girl. You deserve better.
366
00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:10,248
I appreciate that.
367
00:15:10,358 --> 00:15:11,677
And just so you know,
368
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,206
I haven't loved all the
women you've dated, either.
369
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,402
Like that Jenny girl.
370
00:15:14,431 --> 00:15:15,783
Oh, Jenny was cool.
371
00:15:15,818 --> 00:15:17,550
She got you into a pyramid scheme.
372
00:15:18,621 --> 00:15:19,940
Yeah, but I made a little money.
373
00:15:20,168 --> 00:15:22,469
Yeah, because I was underneath
you on the pyramid.
374
00:15:24,185 --> 00:15:26,310
But I was still nice enough
to lie to you about her.
375
00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:28,153
Well, I wish you hadn't.
376
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,668
Maybe if you were honest with me,
377
00:15:29,703 --> 00:15:31,139
I might have met Leslie sooner.
378
00:15:31,204 --> 00:15:33,047
And hey, that's all I
want for you, okay?
379
00:15:33,150 --> 00:15:35,083
I just want you to meet your Leslie.
380
00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:37,955
Okay, I can't argue with that.
381
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,027
But you could've let me
have sex with her for,
382
00:15:41,072 --> 00:15:42,602
I don't know, another ten years?
383
00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:44,605
(LAUGHS)
384
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,284
Wait, you broke up?
385
00:15:47,370 --> 00:15:50,838
Yeah. Your whole honesty
thing got me being honest,
386
00:15:51,171 --> 00:15:53,113
and I told her that it
bothered me that she posted
387
00:15:53,162 --> 00:15:55,934
32 pictures last night and I
wasn't in a single one of them.
388
00:15:56,111 --> 00:15:57,244
(SCOFFS)
389
00:15:57,303 --> 00:15:59,881
Then she got honest and told
me I was bad for her brand.
390
00:16:01,047 --> 00:16:03,299
And then I'm pretty sure she
went to David Spade's place.
391
00:16:05,053 --> 00:16:06,404
Hi, Pinocchio.
392
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:08,972
Hi. Uh, you know,
393
00:16:09,017 --> 00:16:11,238
that's not really an accurate
nickname, Ms. Meadows.
394
00:16:11,294 --> 00:16:12,387
Pinocchio did lie.
395
00:16:12,415 --> 00:16:14,122
Otherwise, his nose
would've just, you know,
396
00:16:14,165 --> 00:16:15,497
stayed the same size.
397
00:16:16,088 --> 00:16:17,775
You want to die on this hill, Chip?
398
00:16:20,208 --> 00:16:22,306
This is Doug's last day with us
399
00:16:22,359 --> 00:16:24,100
and he just told me that he got an offer
400
00:16:24,144 --> 00:16:26,511
from that gang of alcoholics
down at the Tribune.
401
00:16:27,425 --> 00:16:30,233
So just stop talking
about Italian puppets
402
00:16:30,304 --> 00:16:31,493
and fix this.
403
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:32,778
Okay. Yes. I'm on it.
404
00:16:32,810 --> 00:16:35,143
But just so you know,
Pinocchio was a marionette.
405
00:16:40,703 --> 00:16:42,336
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
406
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,028
Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a second?
407
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,318
You already are, bro. Keep talking.
408
00:16:48,578 --> 00:16:50,813
Hey. Look, I-I know a lot of the truth
409
00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:52,978
I laid on you yesterday
might've been a little heavy.
410
00:16:53,526 --> 00:16:56,484
Humble brag, the truth
wasn't the only heavy thing
411
00:16:56,559 --> 00:16:58,682
that laid on me last night. (LAUGHS)
412
00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:04,503
Uh, oh, well, hey, good job,
Doug. (CHUCKLES)
413
00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:07,744
Um, but-but here's-here's the thing,
414
00:17:07,851 --> 00:17:10,251
this office has its problems, sure,
415
00:17:10,611 --> 00:17:13,238
but there are great writers
here and great people, too.
416
00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:15,474
I mean, in fact, I met
my best friend here.
417
00:17:15,757 --> 00:17:18,603
I'm your best friend already? Weird.
418
00:17:18,797 --> 00:17:20,477
But I get it. Pound it, bro.
419
00:17:20,728 --> 00:17:22,995
- No, no, no, I-I didn't mean you.
- Damn it, Chip.
420
00:17:23,550 --> 00:17:24,857
Pound your best friend.
421
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,941
You know what? I like you.
422
00:17:32,493 --> 00:17:34,595
I love that you didn't
feed me a line of BS
423
00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:36,233
like all the other papers I've visited.
424
00:17:36,427 --> 00:17:38,816
I actually like that this
place isn't thriving.
425
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:42,335
(LAUGHS): I'm way more important
here than my last job.
426
00:17:43,956 --> 00:17:47,025
You guys need me, desperately.
427
00:17:47,102 --> 00:17:48,102
Oh, w...
428
00:17:48,128 --> 00:17:51,821
So, "Doug's Balls" just landed
429
00:17:52,373 --> 00:17:53,541
in your hands.
430
00:18:00,931 --> 00:18:02,696
Don't drop them, Pinocchio.
431
00:18:08,024 --> 00:18:09,178
- Hi.
- Hey.
432
00:18:10,252 --> 00:18:12,663
Well, how'd it go with
Weird Linda today?
433
00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:15,341
Well, she scheduled me
to work Thanksgiving,
434
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:17,298
Christmas, New Year's Eve.
435
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,357
And then she asked me
when my birthday was
436
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,491
and scheduled me for that.
437
00:18:20,570 --> 00:18:22,941
Ugh. Oh, honey.
438
00:18:23,649 --> 00:18:26,607
I'm so sorry that my being
honest caused problems for you.
439
00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:29,481
It actually turned out okay once
I took a page from your book
440
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,060
- and I just was honest with her.
- Oh.
441
00:18:31,099 --> 00:18:32,575
I explained that you're
living by the Bible
442
00:18:32,613 --> 00:18:33,752
and that you had to tell the truth.
443
00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:35,247
Hey, nice. And she respected it?
444
00:18:35,284 --> 00:18:36,413
(LAUGHS): No.
445
00:18:37,692 --> 00:18:39,272
We started making fun of you
446
00:18:39,312 --> 00:18:41,212
and it really brought
us closer together.
447
00:18:42,219 --> 00:18:43,440
She changed the schedule back.
448
00:18:43,472 --> 00:18:44,474
- Oh!
- Yeah.
449
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:45,518
(SIGHS)
450
00:18:45,544 --> 00:18:47,032
Also, you're now known as Weird Chip.
451
00:18:47,070 --> 00:18:49,437
(LAUGHS)
452
00:18:49,553 --> 00:18:51,002
So, um, now that you're on this
453
00:18:51,039 --> 00:18:53,361
total honesty thing,
I've got a few questions for you.
454
00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:56,239
Oh, boy.
455
00:18:58,265 --> 00:19:00,099
Do you really think I'm a good dancer?
456
00:19:00,561 --> 00:19:01,760
(SIGHS)
457
00:19:01,806 --> 00:19:03,450
The worst. You ruin weddings.
458
00:19:03,492 --> 00:19:04,560
(SCOFFS)
459
00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:07,986
Do you really think
that my feet are cute?
460
00:19:08,951 --> 00:19:10,696
Yes, if you were a hobbit.
461
00:19:11,828 --> 00:19:14,044
Hey. Okay, last question.
462
00:19:15,837 --> 00:19:17,901
Have you ever wanted to be
with anyone else but me?
463
00:19:18,705 --> 00:19:20,829
Not even for a second.
464
00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:23,117
(CHUCKLES)
465
00:19:24,968 --> 00:19:26,420
And if it makes you feel any better,
466
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:27,990
your hot sister has ugly feet, too.
467
00:19:38,063 --> 00:19:41,130
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?
468
00:19:41,333 --> 00:19:43,684
Put your hands together for the...
469
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:46,314
"Gil-ty Pleasures."
470
00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:49,344
Seriously?
471
00:19:50,393 --> 00:19:52,952
All right, now, I can't lie,
so you're gonna have to tell Gil
472
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,837
- that we liked this once it's over.
- Mm-hmm.
473
00:19:55,091 --> 00:19:56,735
(BLOWS PITCH PIPE)
474
00:19:56,777 --> 00:20:00,610
? Meet me up here. ?
475
00:20:01,216 --> 00:20:02,216
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
476
00:20:02,241 --> 00:20:03,824
I'm gonna have to lie hard on this one.
477
00:20:04,732 --> 00:20:06,968
? Buffalo gals, can't
you come out tonight? ?
478
00:20:07,024 --> 00:20:09,097
? Come out tonight, come out tonight ?
479
00:20:09,153 --> 00:20:11,144
? Buffalo gals,
can't you come out tonight ?
480
00:20:11,330 --> 00:20:14,772
? And... dance ?
481
00:20:14,858 --> 00:20:18,994
? By the light... of the moon ?
482
00:20:19,198 --> 00:20:25,844
? By the light of the moon. ?
483
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,200
- (WHOOPS)
- Hey.
484
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:33,567
Hey, that was awesome, man. Truly.
485
00:20:33,764 --> 00:20:36,277
I'm glad you liked it because
there are three more hours
486
00:20:36,340 --> 00:20:39,308
of pure barbershop
heat still to come! (LAUGHS)
487
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,105
Just smash this over my head, please.
488
00:21:16,294 --> 00:21:21,294
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