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1
00:00:04,325 --> 00:00:05,396
Hey, man, you open?
2
00:00:05,421 --> 00:00:06,754
Yeah, church is always open.
3
00:00:06,864 --> 00:00:08,163
We're like Heaven Eleven.
4
00:00:08,188 --> 00:00:09,499
(LAUGHS)
5
00:00:10,031 --> 00:00:11,797
That's good.
6
00:00:11,822 --> 00:00:14,089
- I'll start.
- Mm.
7
00:00:14,379 --> 00:00:17,513
Hi. Chip Curry, lapsed Catholic.
8
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:20,681
Um, I'm not really here
to confess. Is that weird?
9
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,766
Little bit, yeah.
10
00:00:23,004 --> 00:00:25,204
If you're not confessing,
we're just two grown men
11
00:00:25,206 --> 00:00:27,230
talking in a tiny closet.
12
00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:30,376
Okay, well, let me think, uh...
13
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:33,146
Very often, I will hit
the "close door" button
14
00:00:33,148 --> 00:00:35,681
in the elevator as
a senior citizen is approaching.
15
00:00:37,185 --> 00:00:41,087
They're just so slow, Father.
16
00:00:41,089 --> 00:00:43,256
I actually agree. Go on.
17
00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:49,362
Well, a couple times a year,
I like to get a little...
18
00:00:49,364 --> 00:00:51,497
stoned, Father.
19
00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:55,067
I, uh, buy a bunch of ice cream
and Cheez-Its
20
00:00:55,069 --> 00:00:56,769
and just eat it all Muppet style.
21
00:00:56,771 --> 00:00:58,271
You know... (MUNCHING)
22
00:00:58,273 --> 00:00:59,939
(LAUGHS) Um,
23
00:00:59,941 --> 00:01:02,909
how does the Church
feel about marijuana?
24
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,778
We don't love it.
25
00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:07,980
Yeah, I figured.
26
00:01:07,982 --> 00:01:09,853
John 4:20.
27
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,994
Look, uh, you know, for the most part,
28
00:01:16,262 --> 00:01:19,430
I'm a good man, but I want to be great.
29
00:01:19,558 --> 00:01:22,859
And, I know it sounds crazy,
but the real reason I'm here
30
00:01:22,939 --> 00:01:25,640
is because I've decided to live my life
31
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:27,932
one hundred percent by the Bible.
32
00:01:28,447 --> 00:01:30,536
You mean in-in general, right?
33
00:01:30,538 --> 00:01:32,805
Oh, no, Father. To the letter.
34
00:01:35,301 --> 00:01:38,587
(LAUGHING)
35
00:01:40,048 --> 00:01:41,614
To the letter!
36
00:01:41,616 --> 00:01:44,215
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
37
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,739
Are you stoned now?
38
00:01:45,764 --> 00:01:46,809
(LAUGHS)
39
00:01:46,942 --> 00:01:49,055
(MUNCHING)
40
00:01:51,492 --> 00:01:53,759
? ?
41
00:01:55,997 --> 00:01:57,930
So, Chip, how did you
come to the decision
42
00:01:57,932 --> 00:01:59,565
to live your life this way?
43
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,867
Well, it all started when
my buddy Ray died.
44
00:02:01,869 --> 00:02:04,537
We'd been best friends for 30 years,
45
00:02:04,539 --> 00:02:05,972
so it pretty much sucked.
46
00:02:05,974 --> 00:02:07,807
? ?
47
00:02:08,743 --> 00:02:10,817
Easy, dude!
48
00:02:11,279 --> 00:02:13,112
Chip...
49
00:02:13,114 --> 00:02:17,149
honey, maybe you should find
a way to say good-bye to Ray.
50
00:02:17,151 --> 00:02:19,986
Ah, what's that gonna do, Leslie?
51
00:02:19,988 --> 00:02:21,687
You got to grieve, boo.
52
00:02:21,689 --> 00:02:24,991
This guy's doing some serious grieving.
53
00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:28,794
I love you.
54
00:02:28,796 --> 00:02:29,929
Aw, you, too.
55
00:02:29,931 --> 00:02:32,498
Come say hi to Ray's mom.
56
00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:35,001
Ms. Murphy?
57
00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:36,469
Chippy!
58
00:02:36,471 --> 00:02:37,970
And Leslie!
59
00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:40,439
Oh, bless your hearts.
60
00:02:40,441 --> 00:02:44,227
Oh, my Ray-Ray
just loved you two so much.
61
00:02:44,252 --> 00:02:45,540
Well, we loved him, too.
62
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,747
And I know it's clich�,
but he's in a better place.
63
00:02:47,749 --> 00:02:49,115
No, he's not.
64
00:02:50,451 --> 00:02:53,819
Raymond is in Devil Country now.
65
00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:57,290
Area code 666.
66
00:02:59,037 --> 00:03:01,004
No, why would you say that?
67
00:03:01,029 --> 00:03:02,728
Well, because he is, dear.
68
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,097
He stopped going to church.
69
00:03:05,099 --> 00:03:07,266
Ah, well, so did I.
70
00:03:07,268 --> 00:03:09,035
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
71
00:03:09,037 --> 00:03:11,737
So you'll see each other again.
72
00:03:15,777 --> 00:03:16,909
Believe it or not,
73
00:03:16,911 --> 00:03:18,411
the compassionate words of Ray's mom
74
00:03:18,413 --> 00:03:19,979
did nothing to make me feel better,
75
00:03:19,981 --> 00:03:21,841
so I tried to lose myself in my job.
76
00:03:21,866 --> 00:03:22,971
I review movies
77
00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:24,517
for a newspaper in Manhattan.
78
00:03:24,519 --> 00:03:25,526
Unfortunately,
79
00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:27,565
I work with this guy Gary.
80
00:03:27,590 --> 00:03:29,572
Hey, Chip, check it out.
81
00:03:29,597 --> 00:03:32,525
Hooked up with this chick
Josie from CrossFit
82
00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:33,564
last night.
83
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,895
Hottest Caboose I have ever seen.
84
00:03:35,897 --> 00:03:37,096
That's nice.
85
00:03:37,098 --> 00:03:38,446
Aside from my wife, of course.
86
00:03:38,471 --> 00:03:39,852
Yeah.
87
00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:42,922
You know, Gary, our wives are friends,
88
00:03:42,947 --> 00:03:46,082
so I'd kind of rather you not CC
me on all your sexploits, okay?
89
00:03:46,174 --> 00:03:47,606
(SIGHS)
90
00:03:47,608 --> 00:03:49,070
Would you calm down?
91
00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:50,804
Bro code, right?
92
00:03:52,914 --> 00:03:54,347
Sure, bro.
93
00:03:54,349 --> 00:03:58,551
Just a little bit of
locker room talk, dawg!
94
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:00,672
- Unbelievable.
- (GROANS)
95
00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:02,236
How is it that I'm single and that guy
96
00:04:02,261 --> 00:04:03,960
has a wife and a mistress?
97
00:04:04,752 --> 00:04:06,859
Hate Gary. Hate Gary!
98
00:04:06,861 --> 00:04:09,395
(GROANS) He's just the absolute worst.
99
00:04:09,397 --> 00:04:10,763
If Gary were a Uber driver,
100
00:04:10,765 --> 00:04:12,732
he'd have a "two" rating and no gum.
101
00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:13,739
(LAUGHS)
102
00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:16,592
Oh, okay, if Gary were a Jonas brother,
103
00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:17,948
he'd be Frankie.
104
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,975
If Gary were a Twilight movie,
he'd be all of them.
105
00:04:22,977 --> 00:04:24,944
(LAUGHS)
106
00:04:27,181 --> 00:04:29,081
So, how you holding up, man? Mmm.
107
00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:31,043
Good.
108
00:04:31,519 --> 00:04:32,986
Look, I know we don't usually get...
109
00:04:33,011 --> 00:04:35,479
deep, but if you want to talk
about your friend, I'm here.
110
00:04:35,504 --> 00:04:37,303
You worked all night
on that, didn't you?
111
00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:38,828
And a little bit this morning.
112
00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:40,793
(LAUGHS)
113
00:04:45,566 --> 00:04:47,334
- Meadows just fired him.
- (SIGHS)
114
00:04:47,359 --> 00:04:49,693
Dude walked in to a Post-it note
on his computer screen
115
00:04:49,718 --> 00:04:51,123
that said: "Turn me over."
116
00:04:51,148 --> 00:04:53,472
Then the other side said: "See me."
117
00:04:53,474 --> 00:04:56,108
- Why the extra step?
- (GROANS)
118
00:04:56,110 --> 00:04:58,244
I can't lose my job, man.
119
00:04:58,246 --> 00:05:00,247
Nah, you won't. You got passion.
120
00:05:00,272 --> 00:05:02,278
You're the best writer here,
everyone knows it.
121
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,536
Meadows wouldn't fire you.
122
00:05:03,561 --> 00:05:04,724
What wouldn't I do?
123
00:05:05,411 --> 00:05:06,706
Is that the last donut, Chip?
124
00:05:06,731 --> 00:05:08,397
It is the last donut, Ms. Meadows.
125
00:05:08,589 --> 00:05:10,289
He always eats the last one
126
00:05:10,291 --> 00:05:11,957
and he never gets any for the office.
127
00:05:11,959 --> 00:05:13,793
Hey, you know, I drove you to IKEA, Cheryl.
128
00:05:13,795 --> 00:05:15,261
And you're gonna
play me like this?
129
00:05:15,263 --> 00:05:16,295
Like this, Cheryl?
130
00:05:16,297 --> 00:05:17,383
All right, enough!
131
00:05:17,408 --> 00:05:18,455
Cheryl,
132
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:19,813
you are gonna need to wear a bell
133
00:05:19,838 --> 00:05:21,711
if you keep sneaking up
on people like that.
134
00:05:21,736 --> 00:05:23,198
And you.
135
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:26,954
Where is your review of the
reboot of the Spider-Man reboot?
136
00:05:26,979 --> 00:05:29,041
(SIGHS) I'm so sorry. I know it's late.
137
00:05:29,043 --> 00:05:31,477
My best friend just died and I'm...
138
00:05:31,479 --> 00:05:32,924
Oh, yeah, we all got problems, Chip.
139
00:05:32,949 --> 00:05:35,525
My girlfriend's improv team
rehearses in my living room.
140
00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,107
Believe me, I've got problems.
141
00:05:39,162 --> 00:05:41,779
But I still get my work done
on time, now, don't I?
142
00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,956
So, just... do better.
143
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,000
Still think she wouldn't fire me?
144
00:05:47,261 --> 00:05:48,679
- No, she'll fire you.
- Yeah.
145
00:05:50,186 --> 00:05:51,382
- Totally.
- (SHOUTS)
146
00:05:53,568 --> 00:05:55,568
CHIP: And then,
my wife dropped the bombshell
147
00:05:55,570 --> 00:05:57,069
that brought me here today.
148
00:05:57,071 --> 00:05:58,704
- Mmm.
- Hey.
149
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,039
Hey, babe. How was work?
150
00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:01,672
Uh, not great.
151
00:06:01,697 --> 00:06:03,640
I had to tell a patient
he had super gonorrhea.
152
00:06:03,665 --> 00:06:04,672
Ugh.
153
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:05,812
Got to tell ya,
154
00:06:05,837 --> 00:06:07,374
he didn't find it all that super.
155
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,366
(LAUGHS): I wouldn't think so, no.
156
00:06:09,391 --> 00:06:11,639
No. Hey, can you
turn this off real quick?
157
00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:12,690
Yeah.
158
00:06:13,619 --> 00:06:16,307
Chip, I love you to the moon and back,
159
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,958
but you have been completely
checked out since Ray died.
160
00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:20,230
You got to come back to me,
161
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,421
now, okay?
162
00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:23,985
I need you. Because, honey...
163
00:06:25,438 --> 00:06:26,649
... ya girl's pregnant.
164
00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:28,212
Oh, my gosh!
165
00:06:28,237 --> 00:06:30,536
Oh, this is fantastic news! (LAUGHS)
166
00:06:30,538 --> 00:06:32,338
- Honey!
- Oh...
167
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:35,140
Oh, I am here.
I'm with you all the way, okay?
168
00:06:35,142 --> 00:06:37,285
(SIGHS) I'll be better, babe, I will.
169
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:38,566
I know you will.
170
00:06:38,591 --> 00:06:41,519
I mean, I don't know
you will, like, at all...
171
00:06:41,544 --> 00:06:43,349
it's actually a pretty big concern
172
00:06:43,351 --> 00:06:45,684
but you better.
173
00:06:47,002 --> 00:06:48,877
Excuse me, Gracie.
174
00:06:48,902 --> 00:06:51,068
Uh, do you have any books
for when you're just sort of
175
00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:53,761
an overall disaster as a person,
but are also going to be
176
00:06:53,786 --> 00:06:55,709
bringing a human child into the world?
177
00:06:56,097 --> 00:06:58,298
Honey, I've been divorced four times,
178
00:06:58,323 --> 00:07:00,509
I bought stock in Blockbuster Video,
179
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:02,016
and I work the night shift
180
00:07:02,041 --> 00:07:04,033
in one of America's last bookstores.
181
00:07:04,058 --> 00:07:05,853
You don't want my advice.
182
00:07:06,674 --> 00:07:08,007
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
183
00:07:08,009 --> 00:07:10,209
Bible. No, I... that's an accident.
184
00:07:10,211 --> 00:07:11,477
I didn't mean to get that.
185
00:07:11,479 --> 00:07:13,279
You don't want it, put it back.
186
00:07:21,989 --> 00:07:24,223
Do you believe in signs, Gracie?
187
00:07:24,225 --> 00:07:26,225
Again, you're asking the wrong girl.
188
00:07:26,227 --> 00:07:28,928
I escaped from a cult six months ago.
189
00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:33,465
FYI, if anyone ever starts a
sentence with "It's not a cult"
190
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:36,402
they are about to describe a cult.
191
00:07:38,739 --> 00:07:40,239
Uh-huh.
192
00:07:40,947 --> 00:07:42,595
LESLIE: You didn't come
to bed last night.
193
00:07:42,620 --> 00:07:43,915
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
194
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:45,830
You know how I do that
master cleanse every year
195
00:07:45,855 --> 00:07:48,018
where I drink the mix of cayenne
pepper and lemon juice
196
00:07:48,049 --> 00:07:49,539
for two weeks, drop, like, 20 pounds?
197
00:07:49,564 --> 00:07:53,285
Of course. You pooped your pants
at Rite Aid that one time.
198
00:07:53,287 --> 00:07:55,955
I want to do that for nine months.
199
00:07:55,957 --> 00:07:58,257
- Poop your pants at Rite Aid?
- No.
200
00:07:58,259 --> 00:08:00,359
- They banned you, remember?
- Yeah.
201
00:08:00,361 --> 00:08:02,895
No, no, no. I want to live my life
202
00:08:02,897 --> 00:08:06,532
strictly according to the Bible
until our non-ugly baby arrives.
203
00:08:07,064 --> 00:08:08,563
And I got to do it all in.
204
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:10,288
It's like a soul cleanse.
205
00:08:10,313 --> 00:08:12,580
And I can't explain it
exactly, but I feel it.
206
00:08:12,605 --> 00:08:15,039
And this is just,
it's something I need to do.
207
00:08:15,176 --> 00:08:18,544
Uh, just changing your life like
this, that changes my life, too.
208
00:08:18,546 --> 00:08:19,812
Do you get that?
209
00:08:19,814 --> 00:08:21,747
I mean, are we still gonna have fun?
210
00:08:21,749 --> 00:08:23,816
I'm not throwing out my rap albums.
211
00:08:23,818 --> 00:08:26,318
You know how much I love
my filthy, filthy sex rap.
212
00:08:27,188 --> 00:08:28,454
Listen.
213
00:08:28,456 --> 00:08:30,956
I realize it sounds nuts, okay?
214
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:32,825
- Mm-hmm.
- But I just really believe
215
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:35,197
it's gonna make me a better
father for our son or daughter.
216
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,830
Hopefully son.
217
00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:40,532
Well, what if I don't want
to raise our kid religious?
218
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:42,615
I work in medicine. Faith isn't so easy
219
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,169
when you see the things I see all day.
220
00:08:44,171 --> 00:08:46,171
Oh, but come on, you got to have faith.
221
00:08:46,173 --> 00:08:47,906
I mean, what about sunsets?
222
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:51,777
Or season four of The Wire?
223
00:08:51,779 --> 00:08:54,380
Well, what about
super gonorrhea? (CHUCKLES)
224
00:08:54,382 --> 00:08:56,682
Didn't God design that, too?
225
00:08:56,684 --> 00:08:59,151
And if so, why?
226
00:08:59,547 --> 00:09:00,786
That's a great question.
227
00:09:00,788 --> 00:09:02,588
I haven't gotten to that part yet.
228
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:05,991
Couldn't you, I don't know,
like, maybe go to church...
229
00:09:05,993 --> 00:09:07,793
(SIGHS)... one time,
230
00:09:07,795 --> 00:09:09,428
before making this huge commitment?
231
00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:11,967
And I am going today.
I even made an appointment.
232
00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:13,059
They have those?
233
00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:14,133
Not generally, no.
234
00:09:14,135 --> 00:09:15,701
They were very confused when I called.
235
00:09:15,703 --> 00:09:18,137
But look. Honey,
236
00:09:18,139 --> 00:09:19,872
- don't worry, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
237
00:09:19,874 --> 00:09:22,608
It's gonna be the same awesome
marriage that we've always had.
238
00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:23,964
Hey, maybe even better.
239
00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,178
- Ooh, I'd like that.
- Yeah. Okay.
240
00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:27,579
- Mm.
- Mwah.
241
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:33,240
Oh. Except, of course, if it
goes beyond the nine months,
242
00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:35,515
I won't be able to touch you
while you're on your period.
243
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:36,585
And if you get too crabby,
244
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,155
I'm supposed to go live in the desert.
245
00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:41,470
You know, it's just Bible stuff.
Okay. Toodles, noodles.
246
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:42,761
And that was this morning,
247
00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:45,034
and now here we are. Sha-bam.
248
00:09:45,447 --> 00:09:46,874
- Hey, Chip.
- Mm.
249
00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:49,034
Do you know any short stories?
250
00:09:50,738 --> 00:09:52,705
You do realize it's gonna be impossible
251
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:55,149
to truly live by the Bible, right?
252
00:09:55,435 --> 00:09:57,176
Well... see, I would think a priest
253
00:09:57,178 --> 00:09:59,678
would want people to live by the Bible.
254
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,613
Yeah! In general, not a hundred percent.
255
00:10:01,615 --> 00:10:02,981
It's not possible.
256
00:10:03,642 --> 00:10:05,509
You're already in breach
with your clothes.
257
00:10:05,753 --> 00:10:07,279
What? Why?
258
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,837
You're mixing fabrics.
259
00:10:09,123 --> 00:10:11,356
Leviticus says
"Do not wear clothing woven
260
00:10:11,358 --> 00:10:13,392
from two different kinds of thread."
261
00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:15,527
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
262
00:10:15,529 --> 00:10:18,360
That's a hot tip, man.
See? This is the stuff I need.
263
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,799
Oh, what do I call you, by
the way? I never got your name.
264
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:22,165
Ah, here. Take my card.
265
00:10:22,190 --> 00:10:25,215
Father Eugenio Alberto
Del Castillo Cabeza de Vaca.
266
00:10:26,362 --> 00:10:27,941
Father Gene is fine.
267
00:10:28,576 --> 00:10:30,476
Chip, I tell my Sunday schoolers:
268
00:10:30,478 --> 00:10:31,910
"Bible" stands for
269
00:10:31,912 --> 00:10:34,980
"Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."
270
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,240
That's it.
271
00:10:36,265 --> 00:10:38,308
Yeah, but, see, basic's
never really done it for me.
272
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:39,752
I got to go all the way.
273
00:10:47,292 --> 00:10:50,827
Donuts in the heezy!
274
00:10:50,829 --> 00:10:51,928
Ha-ha!
275
00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:53,764
Hey, killer vest, Cheryl.
276
00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:55,365
Thanks. It's my dead mother's.
277
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,500
No kidding.
278
00:10:58,237 --> 00:11:00,103
Dude, so, I had that chick Josie
279
00:11:00,105 --> 00:11:01,571
meet me here at the office today.
280
00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:03,607
Snuck her down to the parking garage.
281
00:11:03,609 --> 00:11:06,243
We hooked up right on
the hood of a Ford Fiesta.
282
00:11:06,245 --> 00:11:07,411
(SNIFFS)
283
00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:09,646
Talk about a fiesta!
284
00:11:11,517 --> 00:11:13,717
Stupid Gary.
285
00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,919
If Gary was a shoe, he'd be a Croc.
286
00:11:17,356 --> 00:11:20,390
If Gary was a juice, he'd be prune.
287
00:11:21,193 --> 00:11:23,160
Now you do one.
288
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:24,259
I... (EXSHALES)
289
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,762
I'm not gonna be able to participate
290
00:11:25,764 --> 00:11:26,997
in hating Gary anymore.
291
00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:28,732
(GASPS)
292
00:11:28,734 --> 00:11:30,000
But you love hating Gary.
293
00:11:30,249 --> 00:11:31,255
W-What's up with you?
294
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,810
And what's up with your threads, man?
295
00:11:32,835 --> 00:11:34,869
You look like a business casual ghost.
296
00:11:37,342 --> 00:11:40,610
I'm just not mixing
my fabrics anymore, okay?
297
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:43,313
It's a long story, but I've
been trying to follow the Bible.
298
00:11:43,315 --> 00:11:44,485
- Bible, huh?
- Yeah.
299
00:11:44,532 --> 00:11:45,823
I thought you were about due for
300
00:11:45,848 --> 00:11:47,782
another one of your little obsessions.
- Nah...
301
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:49,331
I still have a nunchuk scar on my back
302
00:11:49,356 --> 00:11:50,608
from the last one.
- No, look.
303
00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:53,159
That was the old me. "Live by
the 'chuks, die by the 'chuks,"
304
00:11:53,184 --> 00:11:54,550
but this is different.
305
00:11:55,541 --> 00:11:56,969
All ght, man. I believe you.
306
00:11:56,994 --> 00:11:58,695
Look, I'm really serious
about this, okay?
307
00:11:58,697 --> 00:12:00,430
I got to get myself on track here,
308
00:12:00,432 --> 00:12:03,567
because, well, between us,
309
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:04,868
Leslie's pregnant.
310
00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:05,902
- What?!
- Yeah.
311
00:12:05,904 --> 00:12:07,170
My man. Congratulations.
312
00:12:07,172 --> 00:12:09,606
- Thanks, man.
- Good for you. Get your house in order.
313
00:12:09,608 --> 00:12:11,408
Hey. Chipper.
314
00:12:11,410 --> 00:12:13,543
I don't know how much of that
you heard a minute ago,
315
00:12:13,545 --> 00:12:15,679
but as always, bro code, all right?
316
00:12:15,681 --> 00:12:17,547
Oh, by the way. (SNAPS FINGERS)
317
00:12:17,549 --> 00:12:19,816
You look like a friggin' Backstreet Boy.
318
00:12:24,155 --> 00:12:25,455
What am I gonna do about Gary?
319
00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:26,623
Don't get involved.
320
00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:28,391
Ah, well, the old me
wouldn't have, but now,
321
00:12:28,393 --> 00:12:30,360
I'm gonna have to consult
my priest about it.
322
00:12:30,362 --> 00:12:31,595
- Oh, you got a priest?
- Yep.
323
00:12:31,597 --> 00:12:33,764
Good idea. Ask him, then.
324
00:12:33,766 --> 00:12:36,466
Nobody knows marriage like
guys that can't get married.
325
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,070
I'll take one of those, too.
326
00:12:40,072 --> 00:12:42,305
I am having the worst day.
327
00:12:42,307 --> 00:12:44,574
I just went down to the parking
garage to get my purse.
328
00:12:44,576 --> 00:12:47,310
Giant dent on the hood of my Fiesta.
329
00:12:50,041 --> 00:12:52,215
RABBI GIL: But it's also legal.
FATHER GENE: Oh, it is?
330
00:12:52,217 --> 00:12:53,750
- Yeah.
- Hey.
331
00:12:53,752 --> 00:12:54,933
Thanks for meeting me. Okay.
332
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,387
So that guy Gary I was telling
you about, the one who cheats?
333
00:12:57,389 --> 00:12:59,185
His wife is friends
with my wife, who's about
334
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:01,508
to be here any minute because
I'm taking her out to dinner
335
00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:03,516
to celebrate the pending birth
of my probably son.
336
00:13:03,563 --> 00:13:04,861
So biblically, what should I do?
337
00:13:04,863 --> 00:13:06,963
(PANTING)
338
00:13:07,424 --> 00:13:09,399
Hi, I'm Rabbi Gil Ableman.
339
00:13:09,401 --> 00:13:11,038
- Hey.
- How are you?
340
00:13:11,063 --> 00:13:12,991
- Good.
- I've never met anyone at the beginning
341
00:13:13,016 --> 00:13:14,146
of a psychotic break before.
342
00:13:14,171 --> 00:13:15,296
I always catch the tail end.
343
00:13:15,321 --> 00:13:16,330
Huh.
344
00:13:16,355 --> 00:13:17,432
Hola, Chip, I see you took
345
00:13:17,457 --> 00:13:19,442
my "no mixed fabrics" notes...
346
00:13:19,444 --> 00:13:21,812
with a vengeance.
347
00:13:21,814 --> 00:13:24,247
I should've been more clear;
it doesn't have to be all white.
348
00:13:24,249 --> 00:13:26,483
You can just wear, like, 100% cotton.
349
00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:27,684
Or all denim.
350
00:13:27,686 --> 00:13:30,086
That's a sexy look.
351
00:13:30,088 --> 00:13:31,588
As for your dilemma,
352
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:34,291
the Bible says you're supposed
to stone adulterers.
353
00:13:34,293 --> 00:13:36,860
But of course, you're not
gonna be doing that in 2018,
354
00:13:36,862 --> 00:13:38,228
'cause of jail.
355
00:13:40,098 --> 00:13:41,665
You know, this may come as a shock,
356
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:43,667
but my people would say
to stay out of it.
357
00:13:43,669 --> 00:13:46,291
The Talmud states that
evil gossip kills three, right?
358
00:13:46,316 --> 00:13:49,156
The one who says it, the one who
listens, and the subject of the gossip.
359
00:13:49,181 --> 00:13:50,953
So in other words,
you really can't win here,
360
00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:52,719
and you may have just killed us all.
361
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:54,711
Oh, hey. So, uh, guys?
362
00:13:54,713 --> 00:13:56,580
If you guys could just make
my new lifestyle
363
00:13:56,582 --> 00:13:58,014
seem as normal to her as possible,
364
00:13:58,016 --> 00:13:59,703
that would really
help me out tremendously.
365
00:13:59,728 --> 00:14:01,883
We'll try, but you look
like Diane Keaton.
366
00:14:03,355 --> 00:14:04,788
Hey. (LAUGHS)
367
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:06,223
You must be
368
00:14:06,225 --> 00:14:08,258
the most patient woman
in the history of time.
369
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:09,492
(LAUGHS)
370
00:14:09,494 --> 00:14:11,127
Pretty much, yeah.
371
00:14:11,129 --> 00:14:12,616
And you're Chip's priest.
372
00:14:12,641 --> 00:14:13,684
Oh, feels weird
373
00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:15,332
saying "Chip's priest"
374
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,300
I consider Chip Catholic in the same way
375
00:14:17,302 --> 00:14:19,369
I consider the Olive Garden Italian.
376
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,006
(LAUGHS) I'm Rabbi Gil.
377
00:14:23,008 --> 00:14:25,976
- Leslie.
- And how are you, uh, handling
378
00:14:25,978 --> 00:14:27,232
Chip's totally normal new life?
379
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,456
See, I got you, bubbie.
380
00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:33,250
Well, I am not religious
at all, and he's approaching
381
00:14:33,252 --> 00:14:35,585
"clipboard outside of
Trader Joe's" religious,
382
00:14:35,587 --> 00:14:38,922
so I am not sure how we're
gonna raise a kid together.
383
00:14:38,924 --> 00:14:41,524
But other than that... yeah.
384
00:14:41,526 --> 00:14:43,026
Listen, you both want your child
385
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:44,828
to be a kind and loving
human being, right?
386
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:46,496
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
387
00:14:46,498 --> 00:14:48,736
Then raise it th way.
The world needs more of those.
388
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,652
And if you need to snip-snip,
you know...
389
00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:54,437
You can Yelp me.
390
00:14:54,439 --> 00:14:55,605
That's great. Thank you.
391
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:57,307
- Um, we're late for dinner.
- Yes.
392
00:14:57,309 --> 00:15:00,176
It was so great meeting you
guys, but mama need pasta.
393
00:15:00,178 --> 00:15:02,379
(LAUGHS) Gene, I got your number.
394
00:15:02,381 --> 00:15:03,647
Happy to help, Chip.
395
00:15:03,649 --> 00:15:05,582
You two are his answer guys now.
396
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:08,351
His, um, God Squad, if you will.
397
00:15:08,353 --> 00:15:09,619
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh!
398
00:15:09,621 --> 00:15:10,854
(LAUGHS)
399
00:15:10,856 --> 00:15:12,722
Will you look at this? Huh?
400
00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,392
A priest, a rabbi, a lapsed
Catholic and a nonbeliever
401
00:15:15,394 --> 00:15:18,228
walk into a bar and... (LAUGHS)
402
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:20,063
... th-they make new friends.
403
00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:21,431
(LAUGHS)
404
00:15:21,433 --> 00:15:23,733
And I know the instinct
is to make me the Ross
405
00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:25,201
because I'm somewhat Jewish,
406
00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,304
but I'm really more of a Chandler,
407
00:15:27,306 --> 00:15:29,272
and let me tell you why.
408
00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,044
- Ooh.
- Ah.
409
00:15:34,046 --> 00:15:35,378
Mm-hmm.
410
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,280
None for me. Gluttony.
411
00:15:37,282 --> 00:15:39,516
One of the seven deadlies.
412
00:15:39,518 --> 00:15:41,384
Brad Pitt. "What's in the box"
413
00:15:41,386 --> 00:15:43,987
Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
You saw the film.
414
00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,922
Hey, more for mama.
415
00:15:45,924 --> 00:15:47,791
I've been calling myself
"mama" a lot lately.
416
00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:49,526
(BOTH LAUGH)
417
00:15:49,528 --> 00:15:51,394
You're glowing already, you know that?
418
00:15:51,396 --> 00:15:52,796
- This ol' thing?
- (CHUCKLES)
419
00:15:52,798 --> 00:15:54,597
Hey, you're glowing, too.
420
00:15:54,599 --> 00:15:57,694
It makes me so happy to see you
charged up about life again.
421
00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:58,735
- Hmm.
- It's been awhile.
422
00:15:58,737 --> 00:16:00,437
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
423
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,640
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
- What?
424
00:16:03,642 --> 00:16:06,309
What are you looking at?
Wait, that's Gary.
425
00:16:06,311 --> 00:16:08,611
That's Gary and that's not Tracy.
426
00:16:08,613 --> 00:16:10,313
Who is that girl?
427
00:16:10,315 --> 00:16:12,244
Okay, just, let's calm down.
428
00:16:12,269 --> 00:16:13,416
"Calm down"?
429
00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:15,629
I'm pregnant, dude. I'm calming up.
430
00:16:15,654 --> 00:16:17,479
- Come over here with me.
- Oh, please, don't.
431
00:16:17,504 --> 00:16:18,855
Yep.
432
00:16:18,857 --> 00:16:21,458
Hey, Gare. What...
433
00:16:21,460 --> 00:16:22,926
(CHUCKLES): Hey.
434
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:24,719
Chip. Leslie.
435
00:16:24,744 --> 00:16:25,795
LESLIE: Yeah.
436
00:16:25,797 --> 00:16:28,498
Oh, this is, uh, Josie, my assistant.
437
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,100
Tell her, Chip.
438
00:16:30,102 --> 00:16:33,269
Tell her how they gave me
an assistant down at the paper.
439
00:16:33,271 --> 00:16:35,338
Uh, so, they're... wait,
so they're firing people
440
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:37,273
left and right,
and they gave you an assistant?
441
00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:39,376
Yeah, yeah.
442
00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:41,811
Isn't that right... bro?
443
00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:43,847
Yeah.
444
00:16:43,849 --> 00:16:45,982
Brah.
445
00:16:45,984 --> 00:16:48,752
Is Josie here Gary's assistant?
446
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:52,422
Hey, Chipper, answer your wife, man.
447
00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:56,226
Chip, baby.
448
00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:58,995
What are you doing with that rock?
449
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:04,067
I don't want...
450
00:17:05,237 --> 00:17:06,836
Ow! What the hell, man?!
451
00:17:06,838 --> 00:17:09,706
You still think we aren't
gonna have any fun?!
452
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:21,399
Hey, Gary's not here yet, is he?
453
00:17:21,424 --> 00:17:24,491
No one's asked me to smell
or pull his finger yet, so nope.
454
00:17:28,310 --> 00:17:30,043
Oh, no.
455
00:17:30,045 --> 00:17:31,378
What's up? What's it say?
456
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:33,647
"See me."
457
00:17:33,649 --> 00:17:35,282
Dang.
458
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:37,351
Please, don't fire me.
459
00:17:37,353 --> 00:17:38,852
I am sure that you have rules
460
00:17:38,854 --> 00:17:41,021
about throwing a rock
at a coworker, but...
461
00:17:41,023 --> 00:17:43,490
Wait, you threw a rock at a coworker?
462
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:45,526
You threw a rock at a coworker?!
463
00:17:45,528 --> 00:17:48,226
Chip, I wanted to see
you because everybody
464
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:51,571
is out of control arguing about
this Bible thing you're doing.
465
00:17:51,596 --> 00:17:54,034
The janitor just called
me a punk-ass bitch.
466
00:17:54,036 --> 00:17:55,636
(GROANS)
467
00:17:55,638 --> 00:17:57,196
I am so sorry.
468
00:17:57,221 --> 00:17:58,772
Are you kidding? I love it.
469
00:17:58,774 --> 00:18:01,642
I haven't seen the office
this fired up about something
470
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:04,444
since Brenda's top fell off
at the Christmas party.
471
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:07,548
I have got to start going
to the Christmas party.
472
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:11,618
How would you like to write
about your journey, Chip?
473
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,887
Well, what are we talking about here?
474
00:18:13,889 --> 00:18:15,854
Three additional articles a week.
475
00:18:15,879 --> 00:18:17,479
And more money, of course.
476
00:18:17,504 --> 00:18:19,271
Hey, I want more money.
477
00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:22,796
You come out of the vents or something?
478
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:25,032
Go.
479
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:26,433
Yes, I'll do it.
480
00:18:26,435 --> 00:18:27,801
I mean, thank you.
481
00:18:27,803 --> 00:18:29,883
Maybe it'll even help out the community.
482
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,564
Oh, no, I don't care
about the community.
483
00:18:31,589 --> 00:18:32,906
I just want to sell more papers.
484
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:35,375
You are gonna do great, Chip.
485
00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,978
I always thought you had more in you
486
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,012
- than just those film reviews.
- Oh.
487
00:18:39,014 --> 00:18:40,948
You are the best writer here.
488
00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:42,716
Hey, what about me?
489
00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:45,052
You write obituaries, Cheryl.
490
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:49,573
Bible, baby!
491
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,492
(LAUGHS)
492
00:18:52,494 --> 00:18:54,509
Hey, I got something
to say to you, maniac.
493
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:55,906
Hang on. Hang on. About the stone,
494
00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:57,764
- I don't know what I was thinking.
- Thanks.
495
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,800
Did you say, "thanks"?
496
00:19:00,822 --> 00:19:02,603
I told Tracy everything.
497
00:19:03,572 --> 00:19:05,955
I've been a bad person.
498
00:19:06,431 --> 00:19:08,108
We're gonna go to counseling.
499
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,944
So... thanks.
500
00:19:12,181 --> 00:19:15,749
But I'm still real pissed at you, bro.
501
00:19:18,916 --> 00:19:20,153
Bible, baby.
502
00:19:21,088 --> 00:19:23,891
You're making more money,
you're happier,
503
00:19:23,893 --> 00:19:26,490
and you got to hit Gary
in the face with a rock?
504
00:19:27,803 --> 00:19:30,545
I might have to try this
Bible thing out my damn self.
505
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,901
- Darn self.
- Darn self. Yeah.
506
00:19:47,257 --> 00:19:49,757
Ah, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
507
00:19:50,149 --> 00:19:52,088
And I know you're up there in Heaven,
508
00:19:52,132 --> 00:19:54,533
regardless of what your mom says.
509
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,849
All right, well,
510
00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:01,241
you probably got a Prince
concert you're going to
511
00:20:01,848 --> 00:20:04,804
with John Candy
or something cool like that.
512
00:20:07,343 --> 00:20:09,177
I love you, buddy.
513
00:20:10,554 --> 00:20:11,556
Big time.
514
00:20:28,938 --> 00:20:30,938
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