Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Joey. Want to have a contest to see who can punch the lightest?

Cha.

Get out of my brain, bro.

Boop! (Chuckles)

Feather tap. Beat that, brother man.

Ow!

Darn, I lose.

Oh, sick. Are we playing "who can punch the lightest"?

Mm-hmm.

Ow!

Oh, darn. Looks like I lose.

(Laughs)

Are we doing that thing where we pretend to punch Joey really lightly

but really we punch him really hard? Because I love that game.

Wait, is this what we've been doing the whole time?

Am I winning or losing?

Nah, I'm winning.

(Blows air horn)

Family meeting!

We have two big announcements.

Okay, first, Parker has some exciting news,

and then Dad has something to share.

Tomorrow, in keeping with the warp-speed trajectory

of my academic awesomeness, I'm transferring schools

to be a full-time student at Ridgewood High.

- (Gasps) - What?

We decided to move Parker up a couple grade levels

because he wasn't being challenged academically.

In middle school, I was so far ahead, I was teaching three classes,

which was fine until I walked into the teachers' lounge

and caught Mrs. Mueller rifling through my lunch.

Keep your paws off my fruit leather, lady.

Oh, that is so awesome.

I'm so proud of you, little bro.

Yeah, dude, we'll totally take you under our wings.

No, no, don't support him.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Parker will take what you love, he will make it his own,

and then he'll leave you scrambling to reinvent yourself.

Is this about the Badger Scouts again?

Of course it's about the Badger Scouts again.

When I was a Badger Scout, Parker joined my burrow. And within one month,

he earned all the Badger badges.

This is Parker's sash.

Yeah.

And this is mine.

That badge is for having the coolest brother...

(Voice breaks) the one badge Parker never got.

You will rue the day that Parker came to Ridgewood!

Rue the day, I say!

Okay, Joey, calm down.

Yeah, you are, like, totally overreacting.

(Mockingly) And you are, like, totally under-reacting.

Family meeting over.

(Blows air horn)

Pete, honey, what happened?

I thought you were gonna tell the kids about your new job offer.

Well, let's let Parker get through his first week of high school.

Honey, you are worrying for nothing.

We have raised a very mature and supportive family unit.

(Door opens)

(Whines) Mom.

Uh, Pa... Parker dared me to... to hug a cactus.

I did it.

(Theme song playing)

Better in stereo

B-b-better in stereo

I'm up with the sunshine, let's go

I lace up my high-tops, oh, no

Slam dunk, ready or not

Yeah, show me what you've got

I'm under the spotlight, holler

I dare you, come on and follow

You dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

When you say yeah

I say no

When you say stop

All I want to do is go, go, go

You, you, the other half of me, me

The half I'll never be-e

The half that drives me crazy

You, you, the better half of me, me

The half I'll always ne-ed

We both know

We're better in stereo.

Welcome to high school, little brother.

I am so happy that you're here full-time.

I have taken the liberty of decorating your locker.

Wow. Thanks, Liv.

Pink, pink, pink, girls, girls, girls

Glitter, glitter, glitter, twirls...

(Clears throat)

Look, I really appreciate this, but Linda and Heather

feels like a year-two locker.

Once I've established myself, I can be more open with my love for m'gurls.

Thanks though. You get me.

Hey, bro.

After a good night's sleep and a hearty breakfast,

I have come to fully accept you as a full-time Porcupine.

Some brotherly advice though... we have PE next period, so hydrate now.

(Laughing)

That water fountain sprays anyone who uses it.

Parker's gonna get soaked.

Welcome to high school, little bro.

No water. Must be broken.

Not a good way to start my day.

What?

Let me see that.

I take that back.

It was the perfect way to start my day.

Liv, I'm so glad you're not shooting Voltage this week,

so you could be here for this. Look what showed up.

The senior class gift we're leaving for Ridgewood.

Yes!

Okay, let it just be known that the class of 2016 is leaving

the best senior class gift ever.

Really cool ficus tree in the library, class of 2009.

Pssh.

Hey, that beats 2012.

Their senior class gift was that bench on the stairs.

I mean, who needs a break between floors?

Yeah, now I know.

Okay, okay, let's open it up.

I want to see our super-sized "Welcome to Ridgewood High" sign.

I told them to spare no expense with packing it.

I cannot wait to see how magnificent it looks hanging up above the lobby.

Wha... No...

Okay, the sign that I ordered was four feet by eight feet.

Well, this is four inches by eight inches.

You got the four and the eight part right.

That's something.

This can't be our senior class gift.

I'm starting to feel like we were a little harsh on that ficus tree.

Hey, how sick is this?

I get to have PE with my favorite bro.

I can hear you over here.

I know.

Hey, how is your first day at school going?

It's okay so far.

I was named captain of the science squad.

Wasn't that your old job, Joseph?

Parker is killing it in high school.

Almost makes me forget your ill-advised first-day-of-school hairdo.

Luckily, I had the minions render your feathered mullet in pastels.

Bad-in-the-front-and- worse-in-the-back burn.

(Blows whistle) All right, class.

Today we will be doing the flexed-arm hang.

Ooh, this is gonna be fun for you.

You'll get to see the champ in action.

Or... maybe there will be a new champ.

It's happening.

Down to Parker and Maddie.

Who will be out next flexed-arm champion?

(Exhaling)

How long are you gonna put yourself through this?

I can see those tiny little biceps starting to shake,

and I can do this all day long.

(Exhales)

(Exhales) Dang it.

Ha! Guess I win.

Bam!

Oh, I need my arms for that. Hold on.

Bam! What?

Ha-ha! Whoo!

Finally, Parker tastes bitter defeat.

(Blows whistle)

Challenge!

(Snaps fingers)

According to Wisconsin PE guidelines, article six, paragraph two,

a flexed-arm hang should be weighted by age.

Since Parker is five years younger than Maddie,

he actually beat her by four seconds and set a school record.

I know greatness when I see it, young Parker.

You're a rising star, and I'm hitching my wagon.

Huh, Artie's right.

Parker is the winner.

- Yes! - No!

Remember when I said it would happen?

It just happened.

All rise for the flexed-arm hang king of Ridgewood, Parker Rooney!

Applaud him.

Recognize his greatness.

Aligning myself with Artie isn't ideal.

Frittata?

But it does have its perks.

(Blows whistle)

All right, good class today.

That does it for the fitness portion.

Tomorrow we go back to straight-up competition,

so divide yourselves up into teams.

I choose Parker for my team.

Minions, Team Parker theme music.

(Playing upbeat tune)

And we're done.

Coach Rooney, in which sport will Team Parker be victorious tomorrow?

We will be playing sock hockey.

Ooh, sock hockey. Yes!

Now they're playing my song.

Hey, Joey, Team Maddie music.

Uh, uh, uh...

Bee-do-do, de-do-do, do-do, do-de-pop

Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do, do-de-pop

Bee-do-do, do-do-de-pop, bee-do-do, do-do-de-pop

Bee-do-do, do-do de-pop, be-bop, bop, be-bop...

Okay, okay, okay, Joey, Joey, Joey, stop, stop, stop.

Well, you know, I don't really like to brag,

but no one has ever scored on me in sock hockey.

In fact, they call me "the Great Wall of Maddie."

You know what? I take it back.

I do like to brag.

How could I have forgotten the Great Wall of Maddie?

We have no shot.

Parker Rooney, I abandon you.

Minions, retreat!

Relax, Artie.

In middle school they called me "the Juggernaut." Nothing can stop me.

Minions, hold your retreat.

This creative yet powerful nickname intrigues me.

Students: Ooh.

I can do that all day.

I figured out why they call him "the Juggernaut."

He's a juggernaut.

Well, it was not easy getting 400 pounds of marble up there,

but the sign you made looks amazing, Andie.

Thanks. Glad we got it bolted in

before my mom realized her kitchen counter was missing.

This sign is gonna show Ridgewood that the class of 2016 is the biggest

and baddest to ever walk these halls.

Yeah, it is. Whoo!

What?

Are you wearing Dump Truck's jacket right now?

(Gasps)

What? No.

Whatever.

Shut up.

Ooh.

Andie's got a boyfriend.

I said, shut up.

Well, no one's gonna miss that sign.

That's what we're going for, Mom.

I mean, this sign is gonna show Ridgewood

that the class of 2016 is not like every other graduating class.

You know, I have to say, I do feel more welcome than I did yesterday.

Oh, Mom, would you mind taking a picture of me

and the rest of the awesome senior gift committee?

- Liv: Okay. - Karen: Yes.

Oh, okay, so, Mom, you're holding the phone backwards.

- Oh. - Yeah, you just need to turn it around...

Oh, turn it around.

...and use the little swipe up... camera mode...

- I got that turned around. - No, so, Mom...

So, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, is it okay if Joey just takes the picture.

- Oh, sure. - I would be happy to.

Joey, just make sure you get that sign in the picture.

You think, Mom? I would have never thought of that.

All right, ladies, let's, on three, say, "Ridgewood."

Ridgewood.

Yeesh. All right, Liv,

you blinked and ruined the photo. So let's do that again.

Thank goodness Joey wasn't hurt.

Or anyone else.

Oh, right.

Sorry, Mrs. Rooney.

I don't know what we were thinking.

Well, we just really wanted, you know, to give a gift that was gonna top

what every other class has ever done.

Liv, the senior class gift isn't about trying to outdo everybody else.

It's about what you can do to leave the school a better place.

What did your class give, Dad?

That clock.

But it runs six minutes fast.

And everyone gets to class on time.

That's our legacy. You're welcome.

(Snickering)

You guys... you guys are the laughingstock of the entire school.

All right, Great Wall, we've got a big game today against the Juggernaut.

- You have to focus. - Okay.

(Breathes deeply)

Is that focused enough for you?

Yeah, it is!

Ha-ha! We're gonna crush Parker.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, I just overheard Parker on the phone with Reggie.

You overheard, or you were eavesdropping?

Hey, if he is gonna talk on the phone

while he is using the toilet, then he should close the door.

The point is, he was talking about how hard it is to fit in at a new school.

Hard? He's winning everything.

Well, that's because he thinks he has to be the best at everything

to make up for the fact that he doesn't have any friends.

I mean, it is hard being the youngest kid at the whole school.

Really?

Oh, I feel so bad.

I had no idea that he was struggling so much.

Well, he is. But I appreciate

that my children are looking out for their baby brother.

Dude, can you believe that?

That's, like, terrible.

I know.

We can't talk on the phone in the bathroom anymore?

What kind of a...?

Bam! What?

(Blows whistle)

Missed again, Juggernaut.

Good save, Mads.

There's still plenty of time for us to win.

There's only 20 seconds left!

What are you waiting for?

(Blows whistle)

(Blows whistle) Tripping.

Whoa, come on, ref, that was clearly hooking.

- Also illegal. - Oh, okay.

Well, then off to the penalty box I go.

Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.

A penalty shot for Team Parker.

You need to score.

Are you a Juggernaut or a Jugger-not?

I did not know what to do, because, I mean, on one hand,

you know, my little brother was hurting and he needed a confidence boost.

But on the other hand, you know, I'm the Great Wall of Maddie.

The Great Wall had to make a great decision.

(Blows whistle)

(Students cheering)

No!

What?

Don't judge me.

He's my little brother.

Yes!

Finally, my first winning team!

Minions, we sock dance!

(Upbeat music playing)

Hey, good game, little bro.

Thanks, sis.

I scored a goal against Maddie.

And she's amazing.

(Emotionally) I'm gonna be okay in high school.

(Clears throat)

(Normal voice) I mean, of course I won.

I'm a high school student.

Hey.

What do you want, munch?

I don't know.

Congrats on the goal.

Wanna go sock dance?

- I'd love to. - Yeah, you do.

It's a good thing you'd never throw a game

to give your little brother some hallway cred and confidence.

No. Exactly.

'Cause you know me better than that.

Yeah.

I do.

Hey, Joey, want to have a contest to see who can pinch the lightest?

Okay, I am not falling for that again.

You go first this time.

Ow!

(Blows air horn)

Family meeting!

Come on, Mom, it was about to be my turn to pinch Joey.

We have some wonderful news.

I swear, if you say that Parker's getting his driver's license,

I'm gonna flip this table right now!

(Grunting)

Okay, so the table's super heavy, but I'm still very upset.

Okay.

This is about your father.

Okay, so you know how it's always been my dream

to coach college basketball, right?

I've been given an opportunity to do that.

Dad, that's amazing!

It's in Beloit, Wisconsin, a couple hours away.

We're moving?

No, no, honey, no. We don't want to uproot everyone.

So taking this job would mean that I wouldn't be living at home...

except for off season and weekends.

Now we were very torn as to whether this was the right thing for our family.

But seeing how well you kids dealt with Parker moving up to high school,

we realized this family could handle anything.

We just want you guys to be part of the decision.

So?

What do you think?

Well, I mean, you know, Dad, you've always supported us

in pursuing our dreams,

like, you know, when I wanted to go away to Hollywood.

Yeah, or, you know, when I dreamed of being the state champ.

And when I dreamed of building my first robot.

When I wanted to learn to eat corn on the cob

without squirting myself in the eye.

Now it's time that we support you in pursuing your dream.

Yeah, Dad, you have to do this.

Well then, your dad is a college basketball coach!

Yeah!

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

Going to a new school can be tough, kid.

But don't worry, you'll be okay.

Hey, Ridgewood!

Behold your gift from the class of 2016!

(Gasps)

All: Ooh.

The Sip-o-matic Water Station will serve Ridgewood for generations.

Activate the fountain with front or side pushbars for clean, filtered water

with minimal splash.

Or fill your environmentally-friendly water bottle

with the sensor-activated quick fill.

All: Ooh.

And Joseph Gilligan Rooney will be the first student from his class

to take a sip.

And that was a gift from the class of 2019.

You're welcome.

Don't worry, little man.

I will hug you dry.

Please, no. Please, no.

Joey: It's happening.

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