Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Oooh, Sylvia made her mashed potatoes!

- Yeah, they're pretty good. - Good?

They are like happiness in your mouth.

So tasty, so life affirming.

Oh, here it comes.

Joey, are you crying right now?

Oh.

Full scoop.

Full scoop!

Oh, sunglasses inside.

For you, half scoop, Mr. Cool.

Hi. (Laughing snort)

Oh, miss Hollywood.

You were singing in the line yesterday.

- Half scoop! - Oh, well, no, no, no.

See, that was my twin sister Liv.

I personally can't sing.

(Off-key) sing it loud!

See? (Chuckles)

Please don't half-scoop me.

- Okay, full scoop. - Ahh!

But never sing again.

Ooh, I promise I will not.

Careful, she's extra prickly today.

Yeah, thanks for the warning.

Hey, stank-breath.

Hey, rat boy.

You wish rats ate this garbage.

(Laughs)

You are very funny boy, Joey.

For you I give special treat.

The shop teacher make for me a double scoop!

Thank you, Syl!

You know, I don't care what everyone says about you.

You are a black-hearted troll with a horrible personality!

Oh, did I forget to mention?

Syl's my girl!

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

slam dunk, ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go, go, go

you, you, the other half of me, me

the half I'll never be-ee

the half that drives me crazy

you, you, the better half of me, me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo

(Cellphone ringing)

- (Beeps) - Diggie, hey!

This is a surprise. Hey, there's a little...

you have... there's something in your eyebrows.

Oh yeah, that's... that's frost.

It's -30?? in Tundrabania right now,

which means it's almost the start of swimsuit season though!

Huh?

Uh, look, I really need a favor.

The anniversary of the day that I met Maddie is coming up.

I know! Your meetaversary.

- Maddie's so excited. - I know, me too!

Um, can you pick up her gift at towner's sporting goods for me?

Sporting goods? (Gasps)

Do they sell jewelry at sporting goods stores

in Wisconsin and nobody told me?

No. I'm getting her these really cool sweatbands.

Sweatbands. (Forced laugh)

As in bands that hold sweat?

Yeah, I mean, I'd get them myself,

but they don't sell sweatbands in Tundrabania

because here if you sweat, you die from frostbite.

(Forced laugh)

And you're absolutely sure that for your meetaversary with Maddie

you want to get her sweatbands?

Yeah, she's gonna love them.

She's gonna hate them! Ugh.

Diggie is such a boy.

But you know what? This is Maddie's relationship, so I'm not gonna butt in.

Nope. My butt has... better things to do.

Butting out! (Giggles)

Ahhh. I'm totally butting in.

- Hey, mom. - Hello, sweetheart.

(Boys scream)

What have you done with my mom?

Don't ask questions, Dr. P. Just take that alien down.

Parker, it's me!

That's what an alien would say!

Tell us something only Dr. P's mother would know.

All right, I could tell you Parker's middle name.

No, mom, don't!

What's wrong with your middle name?

It's the worst middle name in the history of middle names.

Consider my interest piqued.

Oh no! You're not finding out my middle name. Let it go, people.

Oh, I'm finding out. The people want to know.

Oh, mom, I can't believe you put this stuff on your face.

No! Okay, that tube cost $100 and this was a $50 squeeze.

What?

Can you believe how pricey that is, Parker "Geraldine" Rooney?

Geraldine? That'd be a step up.

Mom, seriously, you're spending 100 bucks on this

and yet you won't buy the good bologna?

Boy, all bologna is the same.

- (Both gasp) - She is an alien!

Give me his middle name and I'll stand down.

- Leslie? - Are you done?

Whew. (Squeals)

Okay.

Facegabbing in...

Five, four, three, two...

Oh yeah-hhh

Yeah, yeah, oh-hhh yeah

- What are you doing? - Oh. I...

No, I thought you were counting me in.

(Computer chimes)

(Shivers) Hey, Rooney.

S-s-s-sup?

(Snorting laugh)

Sup?

Listen, I only have a few minutes to Facegab.

The Tundrabanian Internet is about to go offline.

What? No. We like barely got to talk yesterday.

I know. I'm bummed, too, but it's third winter,

so it's even too cold for satellite waves to be outside.

Will we at least get to Facegab for our meetaversary tomorrow?

Oh, definitely. And...

I sent you a little something.

I sent you a gift too. Ha ha!

I'm so excited. (Heaves)

I put a lot of time and thought into it.

Actually, I put more thought than time, because after I sent it, I still thought about it.

I'm still thinking about it right now. I'm so excited! Ha ha!

O.M.Gift-inequality.

Maddie's gonna give Diggie something really sweet and meaningful,

and all Diggie's gonna give her is sweatbands.

Ugh. Maddie's gonna be so crushed.

I mean, like sweat-free, but just so crushed.

I can't wait! Oh, you're gonna love your gift.

Not as much as you're gonna love mine!

- I don't know, mine's pretty great. - Mine's relationship defining.

- Well, mine's... - (Electricity sparks)

(Groans) Yes!

I so totally won that, right?

Oh, jock love is so weird.

- What do you think he got me? - What?

Mm? Uh... why are you asking me?

Why would I know that? (Nervous laugh)

Why are you looking at me? Five, four, three, two...

oh yeah-hhh

Yeah, yeah, oh-hhh

Oh-hhh

Hey, Sylvia.

The circus called. They want you back in your cage.

Enjoy your double scoop, Mr. funny man.

Sylvia, what's that, uh... what's that picture behind you?

Sylvia: That's my dog Boris.

Oh, dog?

I thought someone pinned that disgusting thing up

to scare the cockroaches away.

Did you just insult my Boris?

My darling baby poochie pie?

Oh.

What... what are you doing?

For you, half scoop.

No.

Quarter scoop!

I didn't even know there was a quarter scoop.

Ugh, oh.

Oh, what is that?

Aged pickled fish.

In my country we serve to prisoners, traitors and people who hurt my feelings.

Come on.

It's your boy Joe-Joe.

Time to go-go, Joe-Joe.

Sylvia, no-ooo!

Sylvia-aaaa!

(Bees buzzing)

I would like to say this is the weirdest thing

I've ever seen in this backyard.

But honestly, it's not even close.

Welcome to the ground floor of Dr. P's cosmetics.

Our motto is "you give us your loot, we make you cute."

I looked at the ingredients in your tube of beauty

and realized we could make it ourselves.

Wait, wait, you're making beauty products?

It was easy. We just had to farm some honey,

get algae from Reggie's fish tank

and go to the Stevens point caverns to harvest bat poop.

Now, you could go to the store and pay $100 for face cream.

Or...

You can try our cream for the low, low price

of two months' worth of bologna.

The good bologna.

Wow. Homemade cosmetics from sixth graders, how tempting. (Chuckles)

Go ahead and be skeptical, but the only thing you have to lose is years off your face.

It works. I'm 25 but you'd never know it.

(Giggles)

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Smart move, Mrs. Roondog.

It's gonna make you more beautiful than you already are.

Oh, I am so close to telling you Parker's middle name.

- Mother! - Huh?

- I will release the bees on you. - (Buzzing)

- Elmer? - Stop.

Oh, hi, honey. Feel my elbows.

Weird, but I'm game.

(Gasps) They're so smooth!

Right? You should feel what this cream did for my feet.

Ew.

Wait...

No, ew.

Mom, I need to talk to you about something.

Oh.

So, Diggie asked me to help pick up a gift for Maddie.

Oh, that is so sweet. What did he get her?

Um... Sweatbands.

- No! - Yes.

This is Diggie's idea of a romantic gift.

Ugh, boys!

You know, for our first wedding anniversary your father got me a step stool.

Okay, and don't you wish

dad had had a helper to stop that gift disaster before it happened?

- Every time I change a light bulb. - Ha!

Okay, good, because I sort of helped Diggie with Maddie's gift

even though he doesn't know I helped him. Is that totally wrong?

Because I got this and I think it's super cute.

Oh, that is an adorable

ridgewood porcupine.

You did a very nice thing for your sister.

Thanks, mom.

Although it does feel like something's missing, doesn't it?

How about we lose the sweatbands and add...

- This. - Oh.

- Ahhh. - Oh.

You're welcome, Diggie.

Do you always have a tiara in your bag?

- You never know when you might need one. - Mm-hmm.

Hey. What's up, hobbit?

Something's different. Did you start bathing with soap?

You insulted Boris.

Quarter scoop.

Next!

I was starving, and not just for food, but also for the chit-chat over chipped beef.

So I decided to take a page from Liv and Maddie's twin book.

Boris? Your darling baby poochie pie?

Sylvia, Syl, Syl.

I would never make fun of him.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Was my identical twin brother here yesterday?

You don't have an identical twin.

Sure I do. His name is Michael.

He just got back from Europe where he's been studying chess.

He enjoys strudel making and pretending to be me and ruining my good name!

You never mentioned a twin before.

Yeah? You never mentioned the hair coming out of your ears,

but we both know it's there.

If you really have a twin, you bring him here tomorrow to apologize!

Oh.

You want my identical twin brother here tomorrow.

Okay. Not a problem.

So how about a double scoop of those fluffy mashed potatoes

as a show of good faith?

You're right. Tomorrow's perfect.

(Forced laugh, sobs)

Oh yes! My meetaversary gift from Diggie is here!

Nope, no.

He wants to open these together over Facegab.

I can do that. I'm a very patient individual.

But not today because it's our meetaversary!

Ahh!

I was so happy to give Maddie and Diggie the greatest meetaversary ever.

I bet that cute little porcupine is sopping wet with tears of joy right now.

Hey!

Hey-yyy.

Um, wow.

Looks like a crime scene in here.

What happened?

Love died.

Yeah. Diggie sent me this stupid stuffed porcupine,

and I thought it was a gag and there was something good inside,

so I tore it apart. And when there was nothing good inside

I tore it apart some more.

Uh, why is a stuffed porcupine stupid?

I mean, you two are both Ridgewood porcupines.

That sounds really meaningful and-and... and touching to me.

Well, not compared to the incredibly meaningful gift that I sent him.

What did you send him?

Please don't be sweatbands. Please don't be sweatbands.

Please don't be sweatbands. Please don't be sweatbands.

- I got him sweatbands. - No!

(Gasps)

No... way.

Ha! Sweatbands.

What a great gift.

Why is that a great gift?

Okay, this is gonna sound really silly, but the day that Diggie and I met

I had just finished whipping him in basketball and...

Hey, sweaty. You just lost to someone a foot shorter than you.

Better get a rematch, Rooney.

(Snorting giggle)

Ohhh, sweatbands have huge emotional meanings and ramifications and nuances.

Yeah, but I guess the whole thing just meant nothing to him.

I kinda feel like an idiot.

Maddie...

Hi. So I have something to tell you.

(Chuckling) And get ready to laugh.

Yeah, she... did not laugh.

Liv, how could you?

Well, the good news is you don't have to be mad at Diggie anymore.

Uh, you're right. I'm not mad at Diggie. I'm mad at you!

- But I was just trying to help. - Well, you didn't!

Because of you, when Diggie Facegabbed me

I yelled, "how could you be so stupid?" And then I hung up on him.

What? No, um, okay.

We'll just call him back. We'll make it right.

Well, I can't! The Tundrabanian Internet is down until tomorrow.

Liv, you've ruined my meetaversary.

- Well, I didn't mean... - Well, you did!

Can you just stay out of my relationship with Diggie

and while you're at it, might as well stay out of my life!

(Mimicking French accent) Uh huh huh! Greetings, madame.

I am Michael, Joey's twin, the jokester who you found not so funny.

(Laughs)

Mmm, you look like Joey.

Oh, we're identical twins.

What aren't you understanding about this?

Anyway, please accept my apology.

Your dog is adorable. There is no need to punish my brother Joey,

of whom I am identical to, and sometimes pretend to be.

When you insult Boris, you no talk with accent.

Well, this is all part of the ruse to pretend I am Joey.

(Exhales)

(Normal accent) Nerd stuff.

What is happening? Booyah!

(Sighs) Huh huh huh!

Get Joey. I want to see him too.

Oh. Joey?

My pleasure. Once again, your dog is magnifique!

Hey. (Laughs)

Michael said you wanted to see me.

You are both wearing the same outfit.

Oh, uh, well, our mother used to dress us alike as kids,

and Michael never grew out of it.

I want to see you and your brother together at the same time.

O...Kay. (Chuckles)

I'll get him. But for the record, you have trust issues

that you really need to work through.

Here we are, Sylvia, me and my identical twin brother Michael.

(Flatly) Cute dog, huh huh huh.

(Mimics accent) Huh huh huh!

You're not buying any of this, are you?

No, but I wanted to see how far you were going to go with it.

Look, Sylvia, I didn't know you would be so sensitive about your dog.

I'm really, really sorry.

Tell me what I gotta do to get us back to how we used to be.

It's not me that you have to apologize to.

Okay, is it just me or is Boris maybe, slightly, just a little bit dead?

He lives on in my heart.

Now apologize.

Boris, please accept my apology.

Now make smoochy-woochy with my poochie poochie.

Mwah!

Mmm-mwuah!

(Spitting) Ugh!

We good now, butt-breath?

Oh, I am good, but you probably have fleas.

So, your mom liked the skin cream.

Yep, and I'm up to my ears in bologna.

And not just any bologna, lundsford's ranch bologna.

The best bologna of all!

More bologna-ade?

I'd be delighted.

Karen: Parker!

Ooh, she sounds mad.

Guard the bologna!

(Door opens)

Whoa. What happened?

Your cream happened.

Reggie, you will now hear Parker's middle name.

- No, mom, no! - Yes.

Parker's middle name is...

It's bad enough that my best friend knows.

You guys aren't finding out.

(Laughing) Oh man, you hate your son.

Well, I never intended his name to be punishment, but I'm glad it is!

I can't wait to tell everyone at school your name is Parker...

Nothing to see here, people. Move along!

(Groans, bangs keys)

Hey, what are you doing?

Trying to get Diggie back on Facegab for 24 hours now.

(Bangs keys)

Okay, be careful with your computer.

(Bangs) It's Liv's.

Oh, okay, carry on.

Okay, Maddie.

I am so sorry that I messed up your meetaversary,

but I got you a second gift and I think it's gonna really make up for it.

Liv, I don't want another gift from you.

And there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make this up to me.

No, no, no, okay, listen, Maddie.

I know what I did wrong. I should have put the sweatbands

on the porcupine before I gave it to you.

Liv, I never wanted a porcupine.

Are you sure?

Not even...

This porcupine?

Happy meetaversary, Rooney.

Diggie!

Wow. Oh wow, you're still cold.

Yeah, I've been told that stays with you for a while.

How are you even here right now?

I actually contacted the Tundrabanian consulate,

and they agreed to fly Diggie out for the weekend.

The only catch is that I do have to do a concert there over my spring break, but...

Oh, spring break, yeah. That's their fourth winter.

There are seven.

Each one colder than the last.

Liv, thank you so much for doing this for us.

This is the best meetaversary gift ever.

O...Kay.

- (Maddie laughing) - Oh, oh, oh!

- What's that, Rooney? Swish...! - Ohhh!

Are you sure you don't want to take this off...

Hey, whoa, ahh, still... still cold.

This is really nice.

Yeah. I kinda got used to just seeing you on a computer.

Yeah, now we're all up close and personal, for like a few days.

Um...

You know our... our first kiss was over the computer.

I was kinda wondering maybe what it would be like in person.

Yeah, me too.

Diggie, my man! Ha ha!

Mmm!

Are you in town just for me?

Oh, you know tomorrow's our meetaversary.

Come here.

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