Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

(Electronic beeping)

(Explosion)

Ha! Take that, munch!

Why did you kill me?

We are teammates.

Not anymore. You're dead.

Parker, are you excited? It's that time of year again.

It's my half-birthday? Where's my half-cake and half-gift?

No, no, even better.

It's time for "the mama's sweet baby boy pageant."

The mothers of Stevens Point have a pageant where we parade in costume

with our youngest sons.

Oh! Best day of the year!

Worst day of the year, but it's really important

to my mom so I suck it up and die a little inside.

Mom used to make me do the pageant,

but then there was a new baby boy for her to dress like a doll.

Now I go to laugh and take lots and lots of pictures.

Remember when you were seven and the theme was "mysteries of the ocean"?

My favorite.

(Laughs) Oh, look at my little sailor.

So this year's theme is "beyond the arctic circle."

Now mama pulled a few strings so you get to be the narwhal.

Can I get a nar-what-what?

Whoo! Whoo!

This is a narwhal. I know it's technically a whale,

but let's be honest. It's a sea unicorn.

I've gotta get out of this pageant.

It'll be worse than "disco fever."

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine

- Let's go

- I lace up my high tops

- Oh no

slam dunk, ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight

- Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go go go

you you, the other half of me me

The half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you you, the better half of me me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

Hey, guys. (Sneezes)

Oh, no, she's sick. Pete, she's sick.

Whenever one twin gets sick, the other goes down, too.

One time Liv got sick in California.

By that afternoon, Maddie had a fever in Wisconsin.

You've heard of the black plague.

Well, this is the blonde plague.

Let's not panic. Maybe they've grown out of it.

I saw Maddie this morning. She's fine.

(Sneezes)

Is she, woman?

Is she?

Mommy. (Coughs)

I'm sicky.

(Groans) I'm so cold.

I want my blanky.

I can't get sick. Okay.

(Grunts) There, there. All better.

Okay.

Mmm, so hot.

Is this blanky made of fire?

Well, looks like I'm on plague patrol.

I can kiss that pageant goodbye.

Wait a minute, honey. I can take care of the twins.

- What? You would do that for me? - Sure.

You are such a prince.

Does no one see me dying here?

Well, hop to it, prince.

Mama loves you.

Daddy.

Bubby.

(Retching)

Liv, honey. Are you all right in there?

Yeah.

Good news is I got it all out of me.

Bad news is I think we might need a new toaster.

Just one second. (Retches)

There's a hundred ways to die in Clancy's Dairy Farm slash community center.

Choose one.

Ha!

There's also a hundred ways to look like a doofus.

Burn!

Now stop this tomfoolery and turn the mat over to a real Kendo master.

Why, are you hiding one under your orange man perm?

One...

I will destroy you at Kendo.

And two, this is all me, baby.

Fine, then I challenge you to a duel.

I'm gonna slice you, dice you, then serve you over rice, you.

Very well.

When I win, you will have me over for a sleepover

so your enchanting sister Liv can be bewitched by the sight of me

in my casual evening attire.

Nothing lights a girl's candle like footie pajamas.

You don't have to tell me, brother.

Fine, but if I win, I get your Minions.

My Minions?

I could never part with Taylor, Joel and the other one.

Luckily, that will never happen because of my can-do Kendo skills.

(Rock music playing)

(Grunting)

- Is that a ladybug? - (Screams)

Demon at the summer garden. Minions, seize her.

(Joey cackling)

I used your fear of ladies and bugs against you.

Your Minions are now my mine-ions.

Victory music please.

(Rock music playing)

Wait. Don't leave me with the ladybug.

Mm, minty.

I could get used to this. Minions!

To robotics class.

Hello, Artie. Have you lost weight since yesterday?

Like, I don't know, like three Minions worth.

Fake compliment that turned into a burn burn.

You guys are so good at that.

I don't even know the combination to my locker.

My Minions have always opened it for me.

I wouldn't worry about it.

That's not your locker. (Laughs)

Minions, we ride!

Parker, I know you're only here twice a week for robotics class,

but you were not supposed to take projects out of the lab.

Mom and superintendent Kneebauer are right there.

Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

- (Gasps) - Hey!

Oh, no, I have made a horrible error in judgment.

Parker, what is the matter with you?

And why are you wearing a second skirt?

I have four more under this one.

I don't leave the house until I'm completely prank proof.

Now what are you planning on doing with this hooligan?

Are you tough enough to discipline your own kid?

Of course I am. Now, Parker, if you are old enough

to get into high school trouble, you are old enough for high school consequences.

You have detention for the next two days.

I'll make you a snack.

Two days?

This entire hallway almost got an eyeful of underpants.

I want this little monster in there for the rest of the week.

He kind of has plans on Friday.

They've just been canceled.

Oh, did mama's sweet baby boy get thrown into detention

"accidentally," making himself unavailable for the pageant?

Oops. I guess he did.

Line up, detainees.

Superintendent Kneebauer, you're in charge of detention?

Oh, yeah, and you're in for a week of hard labor.

Listen up, maggots.

I want this school to shine.

First up, graffiti removal.

And we're waiting for what?

Dump truck? What kind of loser calls himself "dump truck"?

Who you calling a loser?

It's lovely to meet you, Mr. Dump Truck, sir.

I'm a big fan of your work.

Listen, noob, I don't know how they do things in middle school,

but this here is my detention.

That's the boss, but I'm the guy.

She lets me say that. We got a little arrangement going on.

You're gonna do what I say, noob.

First, you're gonna empty the rat traps out by the dumpster.

Then you're gonna empty the roach traps out by the dumpster.

And then you're gonna clean the dumpster.

Then you're gonna go to the cafeteria and you're gonna make me some nachos.

Wash your hands after the dumpster.

Anything's better than being mama's sweet baby boy.

Even a bag of dead dumpster rats.

(Squealing)

Mostly dead dumpster rats.

(Sneezes)

- Daddy! - (Ringing)

There's the bell. Gotta go to school.

Hey, mom.

Love that outfit.

Daddy's here with the juice.

Dad, that wasn't the juice bell.

That was the fluff my pillows bell.

This is the juice bell.

That's the first period bell.

I am so late for class.

Liv Rooney present, Mrs. Tidwell.

I have my pencil and I'm ready to learn.

Oh, oh, honey.

- Honey, you're delirious with fever. - What?

Come on, no school for you, sweetheart.

Dad, I'm fine. Joey, tell dad that I'm fine.

Wow, Joey, your arms are getting really big.

Is that the rub my feet bell?

No, daddy, it's get the boogies out of my nose bell.

Come on, daddy, here's a snot sucker.

Second period. It's time for choir.

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

Thank you.

That saved a wretch

Like me

What? What? Tissue, tea, cough drop?

What?

If you loved me, you would know.

I once was lost

But now I'm...

(Retches)

(Coughs)

Thank you. (Retches)

Oh, wow, okay.

Guys, I can crack my own claw.

You're not gonna chew for me, too?

Minions seem like a good idea until they are smothering you all day long.

Applying your deodorant after gym.

Popping blackheads on your forehead.

Handing you toilet paper under the stall.

Granted, it was six ply and really soft on my bottom.

But still, a man needs his space.

Stop it.

(Whirring)

Okay, really, none of this is weird for you guys?

Get off me, get off me, get off me, get off me.

Artie!

I have never been so happy to see you.

Hey, Minions.

Dude, you have to take them back.

I thought it would be cool, but I am just not a Minion man, man.

Joey, Minions cannot be given away.

They must be won back.

I won them from Neville Hosaka in a vicious game of Hopscotch.

And now you've won them from me.

Fine, then we'll just have a rematch so you can win them back fair and square.

I'll have the Minions set it up.

You'd do that?

Bless you, brother!

(Playing blues tune on harmonica)

Dump truck, where's the noob?

I sent him to scrape the gum off from under every desk in school, boss.

A job like that could break a man. Great work.

Yeah, I bet he's curled up under one of them desks right now, sobbing.

Listening for crying, boss?

Listening for crying.

Gum scraped.

What's next?

Whoa!

You scraped all this gum yourself?

Well, I wanted you to know I was man enough for detention.

No.

You're no man.

You're a machine.

How about a round of applause for the gumball machine, huh?

I started the week as a lowly middle school noob.

Now I was the gumball machine.

I had broken the ice, like the horn of the narwhal.

No wait. Not a narwhal, never a narwhal.

Superintendent Kneebauer, I have come to beg for your mercy.

Parker's my sweet baby boy.

Oh, he done wrong, but he paid the price.

Can you find it in your heart to set him free tomorrow?

You know what?

I think he's learned his lesson.

This is your last day of detention, gumball machine.

No, no, no. Not a fan of human contact.

Did you hear that, sweetie?

We are going to make it to the pageant after all.

Or I'm going to rob a bank and go to actual jail.

It's got to be better than last year's pageant. (Shudders)

Gumball machine, we wanted to give you something

to remember your time in the joint. (Spits)

Gum me.

You showed me something, little guy.

This is the grossest piece of awesome I've ever held.

But I'm not going anywhere.

That's when I told the guys about "mama's sweet baby boy pageant."

It was humiliating, but they got it.

There's something about identical orange jumpsuits

that brings people together.

A whale with a pointy horn?!

That's not right, gumball machine.

That ain't right at all.

Exactly.

Which is why I need your help to stay in detention.

What can we do?

(Snoring)

We can give Kneebauer a wake up call.

You do the honors.

(Snoring)

(Screams)

When I get down from here, you little punks are gonna

be in detention the rest of your worthless lives!

You're late.

My Minions usually serve as my navigation system.

I got lost three times on the way here.

Some hunters found me wandering in the woods.

Yeah, whatever, weirdo. Come on, let's do this.

Okay, come on, just hit me once and I'll take a dive.

Kendo up.

Avert your eyes, Minions. I don't want you to remember me like this.

Is he allowed to do that?

He's breaking all the rules of Minionhood...

For me.

I feel my strength returning.

Okay, it's just like, if there are "rules" of Minionhood...

this is a beautiful moment, Joey. Don't ruin it.

(Grunting)

(Cheering)

The king is back!

- Minions, we ride. - (Shouting)

Your little monster of a son and his band of misfits tied me

to a chair and hung me from the ceiling.

Sorry, mommy, I goofed up.

If I didn't carry a multi-tool in my garters,

I never would have gotten out of there.

Parker... wait, you wear garters?

Just because I'm superintendent doesn't mean I have to stop being a lady.

She revoked my pardon, mom.

I'm going to be in detention for the pageant.

Shucky darns!

Wait a minute. Something's up.

Are you trying to stay in detention

so you don't have to do the pageant with me?

What? No, I just broke bad.

Got in with the wrong group of guys,

stopped eating vegetables, quit flossing before bed.

I'm riddled with gingivitis.

Okay, okay, you are definitely faking.

Honey, if you didn't want to do the pageant with me,

all you had to do was say so.

I don't want to do the pageant.

Oh, you are doing that pageant.

Welcome...

To the "mama's sweet baby boy pageant."

We bring you "beyond the arctic circle."

(Cheering)

I am the narwhal, the unicorn of the sea.

Hey, mama's sweet baby boy, you better nar-work it.

Hey, guy, I'm about to punch.

How about you keep it down 'cause some of us is trying to enjoy the show?

You go, gumball machine! Whoo!

(Dance music playing)

- Morning, guys. - Hey, girls. Feeling better?

Yeah, I am raring to go for that exam in Mrs. Tidwell's class,

and then it is off to buy a new purse.

One with less chunks in it.

Yeah, I was so sick.

But luckily I was able to shut my body down, and I slept the whole time.

Dad, thanks for taking care of us.

Yeah, not that I really think it was that hard, but we really appreciate it.

Well, they may not appreciate it, but I do.

Thank you, honey. I owe you one.

Good, you can replace the toaster that Liv ruined.

Ruined? Are you kidding?

This is the best toast I have ever had.

- Mmm, tastes like hotdogs. - (Both gag)

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