Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

Eww.

Why is there a car door in our kitchen?

Lemme guess: Parker's hanging out with Reggie today.

Good guess, mom.

Afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Roon-dog.

Parker, Reggie, answers, go.

Well, Reggie realized we only have six years till we can drive

so we decided to start building our car now.

This is piece 1. (Chuckles)

Reggie days are always interesting.

I guarantee you this is not about the car.

Hey, Reggie, I need a second with my folks.

Sure thing, Dr. P. I'll keep the engine running.

Mom, dad, when Reggie and I were digging this door out of the ditch,

a family of raccoons kept hissing at us and it reminded me of something.

That you shouldn't play in raccoon-infested ditches?

No, looking at their cute little faces reminded me of how badly I want a dog.

Look, can I please please get a dog?

Son, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Maddie

when she wanted a dog and Joey when he wanted an ostrich.

No dogs or flightless birds until you prove you can take care of one.

And stop leaving your underwear on the floor.

It's not relevant, but it needs to be said.

But I can't prove I can take care of a dog unless I have a dog.

Oh. Have I created an impossible scenario

that has kept this house pet-free for 16 years?

I guess I have.

Proving you can take care of a dog before you have one

is your challenge, buddy.

Challenge accepted!

Hey, Reggie.

- What up? - We gotta go upstairs.

Sure thing, Dr. p.

Oh, and hit the car alarm.

(Loud whisper) I don't like the looks of these two.

(Mimics alarm chirp)

(Theme music playing)

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine - Let's go

- I lace up my high tops - Oh no

slam dunk, ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight - Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go go go

you you, the other half of me me

the half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you you, the better half of me me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

- Hey, mom. - Oh, hey, Liv.

I'm glad you're here. So now that I'm vice principal

- I want to change up my look. - Okay.

- What do you think? - Hmm, okay,

well, I think that if you are trying to say,

"I am old and I do not care about your generation,"

then you have succeeded.

- What?! - Yeah.

No. What did I do wrong?

Oh well, you know, it's just mostly the color

and sort of the silhouette and... (Gasps)

- Are those shoulder pads? - No.

They're Parker's socks. Ew, okay.

Look, I... I just want to look cool.

What do I do?

Um, just do what everyone else does...

go online and find someone who inspires you and then copy them.

Oh.

And if that person is wearing a pantsuit and shoulder socks, then find someone else.

You got this, come on!

- (All cheer) - That was beautiful!

What?

Are you guys psyched for your first practice?

- Out of my skin, man. - Yeah.

What do you mean, "your first practice"? Aren't you coming?

No. I mean, my leg is healing, but I've still got this thing.

(Laughs, hisses) I'm cool.

Besides, I mean there's plenty of other things for me to do, so.

Mads, are you really gonna pretend it's not tough for you

being all injured, watching us play the game that you love,

while Diggie, the guy you like-like,

is thousands of Miles away in tundrabania?

I mean...

Jeez, Willow, tread lightly.

She's just a hollow shell of her former self, man.

I'm gonna make a basket in your honor.

Okay.

In honor of Maddie.

Making it for Maddie.

Don't take it personally. I just stink.

Guys, it's okay. I'm totally fine.

I mean the universe is just obviously telling me

to explore the things that I love that are not basketball.

- That's the Maddie we know. - Yeah.

- What are those things? - Well, you know.

There's all the stuff that I li... that I... um...

Uh, I do the thing that you all have seen me do.

Oh, on Sundays I always meet with...

Wow.

Hollow shell. I called it, man.

Okay, space werewolves, everybody howl.

(Howls)

(Giggles) Okay, thank you guys so much.

See you in geometry.

Hey, look at you, mads, walking around without your crutches. You go, girl.

Yeah, I'm still sidelined from basketball, though,

so I'm just having a little trouble figuring out what else it is that I like to do.

What?! No, you have like a million hobbies.

You know, there's all the things that you...

and you know, there's all the... when you have... you used to...

oh, you know what? On Sundays, you like t...

Wow.

Yeah, wow.

Hey, you know what?

Actually if you are looking for a hobby,

I have been looking for the perfect Jean jacket

and that could keep us busy for at least a couple months.

I'm not that desperate.

- I'll let you know when I figure it out. - M'kay, Maddie.

That's the spirit. You're a work in progress, okay?

(Laughs)

(Both gasp)

- (Giggles) - Oh.

- What are you doing? - What you told me to do.

I found someone who inspires me and tried to dress like her.

- And you picked me?! - Well, who else?

I browsed your search history to copy your style,

but I had no idea that I would land on the exact same outfit on the exact same day.

- Huh! - But b.T.Dubs,

I am a-rockin' these purple panty hose. Anybody? Could you help me...

okay, mom, mom.

No one has said the word "panty hose" in at least 50 years, okay?

Second, b.B.T.T.Dub-dubs, I forbid you to dress like me.

Forbid?

Did you just say...

"Forbid"?

Okay, so I did, but I really didn't mean to.

I'm just... I'm really upset right now, mom.

No no no no.

You don't forbid me from doing anything.

I might dress like you tomorrow just to teach you a lesson.

(Gasps) You wouldn't dare.

Did you just say "dare"?

Oh, it is on.

From now on, I'm your twin.

(Scoffs) Okay.

- Good luck guessing tomorrow's outfit. - Oh no no.

Mama don't need luck. Mama's got intuition.

Whatcha thinking? Slacks or a blouse or a little tie?

I... snip...

love... snip...

trimming... snip...

bonsai. Snip.

Yeah, perfect. Bonsai!

(Cracks)

Bye-bye, bonsai.

- Hey. - Hey.

I heard you were totally depressed about basketball

and searching for something to do with your miserable miserable life.

Okay, people need to stop saying that, because I am in no way depressed.

I am simply excited and looking for a new hobby.

Nice tree. How many of these have you killed?

Six.

Lucky for you I'm a man who's gone through a lot of hobbies.

Maybe one of my old hobbies can be your new hobby.

For example, the accordion.

(Playing tune)

Okay okay okay okay! Stop.

Fair enough. The squeezebox is not for everyone.

Might I suggest the adrenaline rush that is... Taxidermy?

It is an adorable rabbit, blended with a pheasant and cool antlers.

I call it a horned pheas-bit.

Yeah, I call it proof that you are deeply disturbed.

What about pottery?

I've made some excellent pieces in my youth.

Actually yeah.

I remember being pretty good at that when I was in grade school.

- (Blows) - You were good.

I was great.

When I was six, I had the hands of a God!

It's good to know you peaked at six, Joe.

(Dog barking)

Did I hear a dog?

I said no dog.

Technically you said no dog until I could prove I could take care of a dog...

an unbeatable logic puzzle that I have destroyed!

Say hello to my newest invention clunker.

(Whirring, barking)

Oh, Chase your tail, boy. Chase your tail.

He's a realistic robot dog who can be walked, fed

and used to change parental minds.

- (Barks) - He even fetches.

Come on, boy. Go go go go.

Go, go get it, boy.

And he'll prove I'm responsible enough

to have a dog. You see, if clunker doesn't get

regularly played with, he's programmed to explode.

Impressive, but this proves nothing.

There's more to taking care of a dog than playing.

There's feeding, grooming, bathing.

I can't do any of those things. He's a robot.

Just out of curiosity how long can you leave clunker alone

before he explodes?

(Explosion)

About that long.

I pet the dog and he blew up.

(Accordion playing)

Why did I desert you, old friend?

Because we all begged you to stop.

Check it out!

Apparently these hands aren't just great for sinking shots.

They're also great for making pots.

Well, I guess rapping is another hobby you won't be doing.

(Both laughs)

Yeah, I just... I really wanted you

to be the first one to see my first pottery piece, 'cause

after all, I never would have rediscovered it without you.

You are so welcome.

I find joy by encouraging young people to be their very best self.

- What do you think? - Oh, me?

- Yeah. - I don't like to judge,

but here, let's see.

The handle's out of proportion, the bowl isn't shaped quite right...

too much slip.

How do I say this nicely? It's... ahem...

it's... it's awful.

"Awful"? Okay, no.

Mad dog Rooney is not awful at anything.

I'm gonna show him that I can become the greatest Potter of all time.

Bam! Pot!

Yeah, I really need to come up with a new pottery catchphrase.

Uh, what's going on, buddy?

You've been bested again, father.

I rebuilt clunker and removed all his circuitry so I could give him a bath.

Boom! Squeaky clean canine!

(Gasps)

Underbelly's clean, Dr. p.

Now can I get a dog?

Well, you see, you haven't faced the one truly nasty job

every real dog owner dreads.

Scooping up poop.

He's a robot. There's no poop to scoop.

No poop, no pooch.

I won!

I can't believe it.

The dad never wins.

I need a dog who poops?

Then say goodbye to clunker and say hello to dumper.

Hello, Liv.

Sleep well?

Well enough to know there is no possible way

that you could know what's underneath this blanket.

Nicely done, but you've underestimated your mother.

(Gasps)

- Boom! - But how?

Mother's instinct. I made your brains in this womb.

- Hmph! - (Accordion playing)

Seriously, dad, I think a dog will make this family a little more normal.

I stayed up literally all night

making every single thing that we are going to eat off of this morning

- and I call it maddieware. - (Chuckling)

So how does everybody want their eggs?

- Scrambled. - Scrambled.

A crab and asparagus omelet with apricot marmalade.

Scrambled.

- Uh, coffee? - Thank you.

- The mugs are in the cabinet. - Okay.

Wow, Maddie, that is a lot of pottery.

And it's got some heft to it.

(Maddie hisses) Yeah, I know.

I'm getting good, huh?

Basketball is out and pottery is in.

So don't hate it, plate it.

- (Laughs) - Good for you, mad dog.

- To maddieware. - To maddieware.

Yeah... oh.

- (Clinks) - Oh! Uh, Maddie, we've got a leaker.

- Uh... uh... - Um, okay.

You know what? Don't even worry about it

because there's plenty more where that came from.

Oh.

Hey. Check out my new hobby:

Smashing things. (Chuckles)

I'm actually pretty good at it.

You're having a tough time, aren't you?

No...

Yeah. (Laughs)

Yeah, it's actually pretty awful, dad.

(Sighs) I mean, I...

I have no idea what to do.

I love basketball and now I can't play it.

I mean what happens if I just never recover from this injury?

It's a long hard road, but you're a fighter and you're gonna get back on top.

- You think so? - I know so.

And until then, remember: Just because you can't do something you love,

doesn't mean you have to stop loving it.

Consider yourself lucky that you found something you love so much.

Thanks, dad.

In the meantime I, for one, am glad you stink at pottery.

This is fun!

Oh...

In there!

Yeah, dad, that was mom's favorite garden gnome.

Ooo-kay.

Can you go back to pottery to make one last thing?

Yeah, you know it!

Bam! Pot!

Okay, I know it's not good, okay? I'm working on it.

(Western showdown theme playing)

You weren't at breakfast.

I left early so that we could do this on my turf.

How is this your turf? I'm vice principal.

Okay, fine. I had spin class.

Are we gonna do this or not? Behold!

Thanks. Ahem!

Check and mate, mother.

This is my custom-made $10,000 one-of-a-kind Tristan Lycanth costume

from "space werewolves."

And there is no way that you could have copied all of this.

(Chuckles)

You're right.

There is no way I could.

But if the home-ec class decided to stay up all night

because the vice principal promised them extra credit, they could!

Okay.

Have you lost your mind?

Am I crazy or am I a genius?

You look pretty crazy to me, man.

Off the rails, Mrs. Rooney.

- Oh. - (Nervous laughter)

- Oh. - Mom, what are we doing?

I can't remember anymore.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forbidden you.

I should have just helped you when you said you wanted to look cool.

- Oh. - So let me help you now.

- You would help me? - Of course!

I mean, mom, when I put on this suit,

I am under an oath to protect the lost and downtrodden.

Thank you, sweetie. Okay, I am going to go change.

Mom, just really quickly before you do.

(Gasps)

The galactic orb from "space werewolves"?

- Come on, you know you want to. - Oh!

Mess with the wolf, you get the howl.

(Howling)

Really?! You two have to do this

on the day that I premiere my kitten-in-a-burrito shirt?

When does it get to be about Joey, huh?

Huh?

Willow: Come on, lady porcupines! Nice nice!

- Put it up! - Pete: That's what I'm talking about.

- Good job. - Nicely done.

(Whistle blares)

Where have I seen that shirt before?

Joey gave it to me!

Look alive, lady porcupines!

- (Gasps) Maddie! - Hey.

Okay! Uh, Willow,

what are you doing? I literally just saw you in history class.

I'm just so happy to see you here.

Put her down, Willow. That's it.

Put her down.

- (Exhales) - Something's different about you.

You found yourself, man.

Yeah well, a smart man told me

that even though you can't do something you love anymore

it doesn't mean you can't still love it.

She's talking about me.

I'm the smart man.

Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if it would be okay if I just hung around a little bit?

Just even until I can start playing again?

- You're still captain. - Oh yes, Maddie's back!

Yay. (Blows whistle)

All right, losers! Break time's over.

30 wind sprints. We stop when someone pukes.

Bam! What?

You don't mess with a classic.

Okay, dumper's now fully loaded with chocolate pudding.

When my dad comes out, dumper will do his thing,

I'll clean it up and he'll have to let me get a real dog.

And if he doesn't listen, we'll drag him back to the ditch

cover him in peanut butter and feed him to the raccoons.

It's nice having a friend who can out-weird me.

All right, boys, show me what you got.

Okay, dumper, do your thing.

- Here comes the money! - (Whirs)

(Whirring dies)

(Huffs) It's not working.

Challenge failed.

Buddy, don't be so hard on yourself.

The way you've taken care of this robot... it's impressive.

- You proved you're ready for a dog. - Oh yes!

No dog.

Ahh! I have been having the best time with mom,

helping her pick out a new look.

Uh-huh.

Her clothes now say "I'm the vice principal, but I'm still hip."

Uh-huh.

And I also got her a box of red ants

that can crawl up her leg whenever they want.

Oh, Liv, that's perfect.

Are you listening to anything I am saying?

No, I am not.

I'm gonna go talk to the new girl.

(Exhales)

Hey, girl!

Hmm?

(Shrieks) Gouge my eyes out!

Gouge them out now!

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