Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by : Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

Ooh! A package.

Wait, what's in it? A new blouse?

A new bag?

Underwear that doesn't go all the way up to your waist?

It is an antique washboard.

Oh! Isn't she a beaut?

It's going to help Maddie and me win the mother-daughter challenge

at Jessup's pioneer trail this weekend.

Ugh! Is that that woodsy place that Maddie and I used to go to on field trips

where the highlight was going to the bathroom while sitting on a log?

Yep! Maddie and I have been doing this challenge for the last four years.

You camp in the woods and live like people did in the 1800s.

Are you being punished?

The most successful mother-daughter team wins the golden butter churn

and gets to lord it over the other ladies for the entire year.

Yeah, this is just a picture 'cause mom and I have never really won it.

Well, one of us always seems to get leprosy or fall into a Wolverine nest

- before we get enough points. - Yeah.

And by one of us, I mean Maddie.

- Mom. - Hmm?

I can see and hear you.

Mm-hmm.

Ugh! This isn't going to be one of those things that you drag me to, is it?

[Laughing]

[Laughs]

Why are we laughing?

What's so funny about me going with you?

Are you inviting me or not?

Liv, this is rough-and-tumble outdoorsy living.

Of course we're not inviting you.

How dare she not invite me.

Sure, it sounds gross and dirty and stupid, but she should have at least asked.

Then I could have turned her down and laughed in her face.

No, you wouldn't survive a day.

[Theme music playing]

Better in stereo

b... b... better in stereo

- I'm up with the sunshine - Let's go

- I lace up my high tops - Oh no

slam dunk, ready or not

yeah, show me what you got

- I'm under the spotlight - Holler

I dare you, come on and follow

you dance to your own beat

I'll sing the melody

when you say yea-ah-ah

I say no-oh-oh

when you say stop

all I want to do is go go go

you you, the other half of me me

The half I'll never be-e

the half that drives me crazy

you you, the better half of me me

the half I'll always need

but we both know

we're better in stereo.

Mom. Mom. Mom.

I caught lunch.

What is it?

I don't know. It all went down pretty quick.

Mrs. Wakefield.

Put us on the scoreboard.

[Laughs] Looks like team Rooney are the eager beavers this year.

Nature pun intended.

Maddie!

I am here for the mother-daughter weekend!

Who is ready to get their pioneer par-tay on?

Oh, honey, what are you doing here?

I thought this wasn't your kind of thing.

Yeah, and besides, mom and I are already

doing this together and it's only teams of two.

That's why I went out and rustled up a mom.

A mom?

What are you talking about?

Oh, I'm just talking about Bree du monde.

Both: Bree?

Bree du monde is the actress who played my mom on "sing it loud!"

She's a triple threat... gor-gene, fab-smash, and rock-a-diculous.

- [Leaves rustling] - Oh! There she is now.

[Bree laughs]

Pioneer Bree, reporting to the prairie.

Oops, forgot to lock my horse.

[Chirps]

[Both laugh, sigh]

Okay, buddy... womenfolk are out camping.

Dad is out golfing.

And that means we have all day to do whatever we want.

Way ahead of you, dude.

Why do you think I'm eating a rib with my foot?

As impressed with that as I am... I've got bigger plans.

You mean like eating a drumstick with my foot.

Okay, buddy, I am talking about a way to make cold, hard cash.

You have my full attention.

Don't waste this moment.

Liv Rooney residential tour...

for a small fee, members of the local "sing it loud!" Fan club

can see where their favorite teen idol eats, sleeps, and obsessively flosses.

I've been collecting her empty shampoo bottles and toenail clippings.

Can you say "gift shop"?

I knew I'd cash in on how creepy you were one of these days.

Wipe that sauce off your foot.

The tour shows up in an hour.

Hey, guys.

Golf got canceled.

Bummer for me.

But we get to spend the weekend together now

for a little father-son bonding time.

Both: Yay.

So while Maddie's off skinning lunch...

Why don't we catch up?

Bree, it is so good of you to come and support Liv on such short notice.

Well, Karen, when my TV daughter called,

I just canceled everything on my schedule to be here.

[Chuckles]

Just one of those situations where I had to drop a butt bomb of mom on it.

"Drop a butt bomb of mom on it"

is something I used to say.

Bree heard it and turned it into her TV character's catchphrase.

Since then, she's made a fortune dropping a butt bomb of mom on cookbooks,

workout videos, and yogurt that keeps you young.

I haven't said it since.

I really miss the butt bomb.

Well, mom... - yeah, sugar? - What, sweetie?

Oh... Oh, wow!

[SIGHS, winces] This is awkward, isn't it?

[Laughs]

Hadn't really thought of that. Ha ha!

So we should probably go set up our tent.

And I'll see you around the campfire, Karen?

All right, we have got to think fast.

The girls coming for the Liv Rooney residential tour will be here any minute,

and dad is acting like he owns the place.

He sort of does.

We need a project that will keep dad busy.

You know how strict mom is about what goes in the disposal.

That's gonna break it.

Shove it in.

Shove it all in.

[Grinding]

[Metal breaking, clanging]

[Whirring, loud thuds]

[Whirring stops, metal pieces clang]

Dad! Something's wrong with the disposal.

You need to fix it.

This is perfect.

You know how dad takes forever to do pretty much anything.

What'd you do?

You know how strict your mom is about what goes in the disposal.

Yep.

It's jammed up real good.

You can fix it, though... right, dad?

Of course he can. Our father's a man's man.

He can fix anything.

Yeah, looks like it's time for Pete to get his old plumber on.

[Door opens]

Greetings, lovers of Liv and all things Rooney.

Welcome to the Liv Rooney residential tour.

And gift shop.

We must be very careful not to disturb any of the other residents.

And we're walking.

And we're walking.

And we're walking.

It's like taking candy from a... Artie.

Oh, my late arrivals.

Welcome to the best place on earth... the past.

Time to turn in all modern-day devices.

Oh, dear.

Um... [Laughs]

So exactly how like "modern" are we talking?

'Cause, I mean, my phone's pretty old.

I think I've had it for at least like six months.

Well, if the pioneers didn't have it, neither can you.

[Gasps]

Oh, and don't forget your hairbrushes.

[Gasps]

We're pioneers, not animals.

On the frontier women would whittle hair-grooming tools

made out of leftover firewood.

Here's a comb.

My babies.

Don't worry, sugar.

Everyone has their price.

How about I trade you that curling iron

for a signed copy of "a very butt bomb Christmas"?

Oh, Liv, honey. We should talk.

I'm starting to wonder if you're upset that I didn't invite you.

[Gasps]

Why ever would you think that?

You brought in a substitute mom from the other side of the country.

It's kind of a red flag.

Oh, yeah, maybe you're right, mom.

Maybe I am a little bit upset.

Maybe now I will beat you at your own game.

As the pioneers would say, I bid you good day.

[Pole clatters, thuds]

This changes nothing!

Right this way, ladies.

And now to our left, the highlight of the tour.

Liv Rooney's sleeping chamber.

Please do not disturb Liv's side of the room.

But feel free to stand on the un-famous twin's bed and take a picture.

[Shutters clicking]

It's exactly how I imagined it.

Urban princess contemporary.

How much to get me past the velvet rope?

Sorry, Artie.

That is off-limits.

10 bucks.

I'll give you 20 if I can have a diva moment.

[Murmurs]

Deal.

I really want to see this.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Parker, I'm not sure any of this is a good idea.

Ready?

[Vocalizing]

Liv and Artie forever!

I really want to make fun of that.

But it was nothing short of magnificent.

[Applause]

We have been at this for three hours.

How long does it take to churn butter?

Well, obviously it takes at least three hours!

I'm sorry, Bree, I just... I really want one of those bark necklace thingies.

Liv: [Sighing] Okay, let's check.

[Both laughing]

Ha ha! In yo face, ladies!

[Screams]

You... you saw that, right?

We're still going to get credit for that?

No.

But we do have a winner in the wood-chopping competition.

Congratulations, team Rooney!

Yes!

The secret is to really hate the wood.

[Groans] Mom.

This is finally our year.

I mean, we are so far ahead, we've got that golden butter churn all locked up.

Well, unless we do something dumb...

and by we, I mean you... so don't touch anything.

Hey, I hear you, mom.

So here... Is to the golden butter churn.

Maddie Rooney.

Did you just take a nice, long drink of water to avoid dehydration?

Yes, ma'am.

Then you're dead.

Uh... Wha... uh... [ Stammers] Wait, hold on.

I boiled this water.

No no no no. You boiled that water.

Oops!

But we were going to win this year.

Bringing out the dead!

Wha... no, mom, I have been so careful.

You know what... we are so far ahead,

you win that golden butter churn for both of us!

You keep this dream alive!

Let's prepare the body for the viewing.

Amazing grace

how sweet...

And then Liv's character was like, "oh, no, you didn't!"

And then the bad girl was like, "oh, yes, I did."

And then they had an angry dance-off.

It was like... [Imitates dance music]

Artie. Artie. Artie! Artie!

That is enough.

Get off the bed.

Fine.

And then they made up and became best friends.

[Imitates dance music]

Parker: All right, people.

Please direct your attention to the window seat,

where you will find every stuffed animal Liv has ever played with.

Also available for purchase.

Do I have to pay for the ones I gave her?

I'm not answering that question until you've returned the gum

you took from under her desk.

Pete: Hey, boys, you up there?

Dad's coming. Everybody hide!

I mean, to the shoe closet.

All right, people.

And we're moving. And we're moving.

And we're moving faster.

So that means move faster.

Hey, what are you doing in Liv and Maddie's room?

We just miss them so much.

And why are their stuffed animals down from the attic?

We missed them too.

Well, the garbage disposal's fried.

I have to go to the hardware store to get a new one.

Yeah, you're a real man's man.

I'll see you later.

Hey, do me a favor.

Put those stuffed animals back in the attic.

They're creepy.

Bree: Oh, thanks for fetching the water, Liv.

You missed a wonderful wake.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, and now with Maddie out of the game,

we might actually have a chance at beating mom.

She did have to trade in all her firewood for funeral flowers.

Oh, Bree.

I am so proud of us.

I mean, first, we create butter out of nothing but thin air.

Okay, well, five gallons of milk and three hours of labor,

but still... we made butter.

And now we are getting our clothes squeaky clean... With nothing...

But dirty rocks... And soap that I'm pretty sure is burning my skin off.

And if I do say so myself, I have dropped a butt bomb

of pioneer mom on this here log comb.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

I actually took a little break and cooled my toes off in the stream,

and it was so refreshing that it made my feet tingle.

You go, girl!

Are those leeches?

[Shrieks]

Leeches! Real, live leeches!

Get these bloodsucking slugs off of me!

Bree, do something!

Get off her, leeches!

Shoo! Shoo!

Come on, Bree.

This is where you drop a butt bomb of mom on it.

Oh, honey, I'm not your mom.

Don't take this the wrong way.

But I'm out of here.

Is there a right way to take that?

And as we conclude the tour... Ooh hoo hoo, this is a rare sight.

Liv Rooney's real-life father.

Don't disturb him.

We'll go out the back.

No way.

I was promised a full tour.

My holiday card will have a picture of me in every room in this house.

Fine.

Just wait here one second.

Also, I hate you.

Hey, pops.

Whatcha up to?

While I was at the hardware store, I picked up an alarm system.

We have a celebrity living in this house.

People would pay to get in here.

Fascinating. Show me everything.

Don't take your eyes off this box.

I've never been more interested in anything you've ever done.

Hold still, Joey.

I'm setting the motion detector.

Any movement will trip the alarm.

[Siren wails]

Female voice: Alarm activated.

12 intruders detected.

Pete: What's wrong with this thing?

Joey: Well... well, I know.

Just so excited I can't stand still.

[Siren wails, ceases]

Female voice: Alarm deactivated.

House secure.

I thought I told you to put those creepy things back up in the attic.

I thought I did.

You don't think they came down on their own, do you?

If I sing about leeches

maybe they'll go away, LA LA LA

LA LA LA LA LA LA leeches!

[Whimpers] Get off me, leeches.

I just saw Bree running and screaming down the trail.

Well, I can't imagine why you would think that.

I have never been better.

I have leeches, mom. I've got the leeches.

Oh, yes, you have leeches.

Well, lucky for you, every good mom keeps a credit card handy

in case of an emergency.

- [Murmurs] - Ugh.

Yet another reason to love credit cards.

[Chuckles]

[Gasps]

Pioneer women did not carry credit cards.

You are disqualified.

Please surrender your bonnet.

Oh, no, mom!

You have horrible bonnet-head.

Oh, she's not wrong.

You look like a bison.

Well, Liv, you are the last Rooney standing.

I couldn't be prouder of you.

You're our last chance to bring home the golden butter churn.

I don't care about some stupid golden butter churn.

I just wanted to spend time with my mom.

Oh, thank you.

You are talking about me, right?

[Laughs]

I guess I just got a little bit jealous

with all of you and Maddie's mother-daughter time,

and I just wanted some for me.

I never scraped leeches off of Maddie's legs.

[Laughs]

Thanks for taking care of me.

You are one butt bomb of mom.

[Both laugh]

Mama got her butt bomb back.

Boom! Dropped.

You have no idea how good it feels to be clean.

You have to work extra hard to scrub leech slime off of your fingers.

[SIGHS]

Well, welcome home, mom.

While you were away, dad did some manly things.

Including upgrading your garbage disposal.

- You broke it, didn't you? - Not the point.

Pete, are you sure you know how to install a garbage disposal?

Not the point.

You should try it. It works great.

We tested it with all the leftovers in the fridge

that we couldn't even get Parker to eat.

[Mechanical whirring]

[Whirring ceases]

This is why we have strict rules about what goes into the disposal.

I got to hand it to you, munch.

You came up with a ridiculous idea and you made it work.

The best part is nobody found out.

You two are so busted.

We're sorry. We should...

what do you know?

Oh, just that you completely space-invaded me.

If you are going to use my favorite hairbrush to brush out a clown wig,

at least remove the nasty orange hair when you're done.

Yeah, you got us.

We were stealing brushes and combing clown wigs all weekend.

Totally busted.

Just don't let it happen again.

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