Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,124 --> 00:00:07,364
'My name is Warwick Davis.
2
00:00:07,364 --> 00:00:09,004
'I'm an actor...
3
00:00:10,604 --> 00:00:12,004
'..I'm an agent...'
4
00:00:12,004 --> 00:00:14,204
Let me just look at the diary.
5
00:00:14,204 --> 00:00:19,164
..and I used to be a lying,
conniving, selfish little shit.
6
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
7
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:35,144
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
8
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,324
'I was not a good person.'
9
00:00:41,644 --> 00:00:44,644
Hello, Dwarves for Hire,
Warwick Davis speaking.
10
00:00:44,863 --> 00:00:47,423
I used to exploit my clients...
11
00:00:50,023 --> 00:00:51,383
Just breathe normally.
12
00:00:51,383 --> 00:00:52,663
Oh. Is it drugs?
13
00:00:52,663 --> 00:00:57,023
No, he's allergic to the paint. It's
toxic. It shouldn't be used on skin.
14
00:00:58,663 --> 00:01:01,063
I used to steal all the best jobs
for myself.
15
00:01:01,063 --> 00:01:04,823
Sometimes I even stole acting
work from right under their noses.
16
00:01:04,823 --> 00:01:06,863
Do you remember when I came to you a
few weeks ago
17
00:01:06,863 --> 00:01:09,423
with the information that they needed
a new Doc
18
00:01:09,455 --> 00:01:12,175
in the production of
Snow White? Vaguely.
19
00:01:12,235 --> 00:01:15,275
You said, as my
agent, you'll call them? And I did.
20
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:17,735
But the role was gone?
The role was gone, yeah.
21
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:21,690
- Who got the part? I did.
- Search me.
22
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:24,370
I just found these in your
bag.
23
00:01:25,468 --> 00:01:27,828
I was petty and jealous,
24
00:01:27,828 --> 00:01:30,788
spending way too much time competing
with my ex-wife's new boyfriend.
25
00:01:33,148 --> 00:01:36,308
Can you stop letting down the tyres
of Ian's car, please, Warwick?
26
00:01:37,948 --> 00:01:42,268
Warwick, I know it's you,
so can you just come out now?
27
00:01:46,788 --> 00:01:48,188
Hiya.
28
00:01:48,188 --> 00:01:50,348
Were you letting down Ian's tyres?
29
00:01:50,348 --> 00:01:52,228
They were going down, yeah.
30
00:01:52,228 --> 00:01:54,388
Was that because you were letting
them down?
31
00:01:54,388 --> 00:01:55,428
Yep.
32
00:02:01,308 --> 00:02:05,668
I did those things because I wasn't
happy...
33
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:10,708
with my life, my job,
with who I was.
34
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:16,148
But I'm a changed man now
because I'm happy,
35
00:02:16,148 --> 00:02:19,948
for the first time in my life,
and that is entirely down to Amy.
36
00:02:25,428 --> 00:02:29,548
We've been living together for three
months now and it's great.
37
00:02:30,948 --> 00:02:32,828
'Amy is an amazing woman.'
38
00:02:32,828 --> 00:02:34,748
Toast would be great, thanks.
39
00:02:34,748 --> 00:02:37,748
'She always says happiness is
self-perpetuating, right,
40
00:02:37,748 --> 00:02:39,948
'so being happy makes you want to be
kinder,'
41
00:02:39,948 --> 00:02:44,428
and being kind makes you happy, and
that makes you want to be kinder.
42
00:02:44,428 --> 00:02:46,388
Amy taught me that.
43
00:02:46,388 --> 00:02:48,228
I'm off now, see you later. Bye.
44
00:02:50,828 --> 00:02:53,148
I won't let them do it for
that.
45
00:02:53,148 --> 00:02:55,948
You've been paying that for a year,
and it's low anyway.
46
00:02:55,948 --> 00:02:59,148
If you think you can get
a better deal somewhere else, then good luck to you.
47
00:02:59,148 --> 00:03:00,628
Warwick, we need the money.
48
00:03:00,628 --> 00:03:02,428
Shhh. Don't worry.
49
00:03:02,428 --> 00:03:04,268
No, it's not fair, they need double
that.
50
00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,708
What are you doing?
51
00:03:05,708 --> 00:03:07,508
No, it's got to be 120.
52
00:03:07,508 --> 00:03:08,828
Each, yes.
53
00:03:09,908 --> 00:03:12,068
Well, have a think and call me back
in two minutes,
54
00:03:12,068 --> 00:03:14,748
because they've other offers on the
table. All right, bye.
55
00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:17,908
What other offers?
56
00:03:17,908 --> 00:03:20,468
Well, there are no other offers,
but he doesn't know that.
57
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,548
This is negotiating,
I'm doing this for you!
58
00:03:22,548 --> 00:03:23,828
I really need this money.
59
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:24,868
So do I.
60
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:27,308
This will probably be the only money
I earn this month.
61
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,628
Exactly, and that's why
you should be paid properly.
62
00:03:38,708 --> 00:03:40,188
Warwick!
63
00:03:42,748 --> 00:03:44,788
Hello, Dwarves for Hire?
64
00:03:44,788 --> 00:03:45,828
Yeah.
65
00:03:48,388 --> 00:03:51,788
Right. OK, bye.
66
00:03:52,788 --> 00:03:54,988
120 quid each!
67
00:03:54,988 --> 00:03:56,268
Yes! Yes!
68
00:03:59,748 --> 00:04:03,308
It must be karma or something,
because I've had some exciting news.
69
00:04:03,308 --> 00:04:05,868
Got a call completely
out of the blue yesterday
70
00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:09,388
from an old friend
who wants to pop by and say hello.
71
00:04:09,388 --> 00:04:13,108
You'll know him
from Top Gun, Batman Forever.
72
00:04:13,108 --> 00:04:17,268
I know him because we made a little
cult movie together called Willow.
73
00:04:17,268 --> 00:04:18,908
Mr Val Kilmer is stopping by.
74
00:04:20,028 --> 00:04:21,388
Is all this yours?
75
00:04:21,388 --> 00:04:22,828
No, no. I just rent a unit here.
76
00:04:22,828 --> 00:04:26,188
I had to downsize recently,
for efficiency.
77
00:04:26,188 --> 00:04:28,388
Have you got a secretary?
78
00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:29,428
Yeah.
79
00:04:29,428 --> 00:04:32,708
I've got a routine that I always do
and it kills.
80
00:04:32,708 --> 00:04:33,988
OK.
81
00:04:33,988 --> 00:04:35,228
All right, just a sec.
82
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,828
Got a little surprise for you here,
Cheryl.
83
00:04:47,508 --> 00:04:48,828
Batman.
84
00:04:48,828 --> 00:04:50,268
Yeah, but who is it?
85
00:04:50,268 --> 00:04:51,788
Batman.
86
00:04:51,788 --> 00:04:55,388
Right, but who's behind the mask?
It's not just any person.
87
00:04:55,388 --> 00:04:57,668
It is a person, though,
it's not the real Batman,
88
00:04:57,668 --> 00:04:59,348
that's a comic.
You're right.
89
00:04:59,348 --> 00:05:02,188
But it's who's under
the mask that's the surprise.
90
00:05:02,188 --> 00:05:04,388
It's someone who played
Batman in the films.
91
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:05,668
What films?
92
00:05:05,668 --> 00:05:07,788
The Batman films.
Have you seen those films?
93
00:05:07,788 --> 00:05:10,908
Yeah.
Good, right then. So who is it?
94
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:13,668
Christian Bale?
No, no. Earlier than that.
95
00:05:13,668 --> 00:05:15,748
Michael Keaton?
No.
96
00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:18,028
Is it George Clooney?
No.
97
00:05:18,028 --> 00:05:20,028
I love George Clooney!
98
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,468
No, it's not George Clooney.
99
00:05:21,468 --> 00:05:22,908
I wish it was George Clooney!
100
00:05:22,908 --> 00:05:25,828
Well, it isn't. Who else played
Batman?
101
00:05:25,828 --> 00:05:26,868
Adam West?
102
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,548
How is it fucking Adam West?
He's about 85!
103
00:05:29,548 --> 00:05:32,268
Guess again.
I've named all the Batmans!
104
00:05:32,268 --> 00:05:34,588
No, you haven't. Who else is there?
105
00:05:34,588 --> 00:05:35,828
Is it the cartoon version?
106
00:05:35,828 --> 00:05:38,348
Don't even know what that means!
107
00:05:38,348 --> 00:05:39,748
Batman?
108
00:05:39,748 --> 00:05:41,988
Oh, this is embarrassing. Sorry
about this, Val.
109
00:05:41,988 --> 00:05:45,468
Oh, I've said his name!
So you've got "Val." Who is it?
110
00:05:45,468 --> 00:05:47,468
Is it Michael Keaton?
111
00:05:47,468 --> 00:05:48,908
Forget it, take it off!
112
00:05:51,388 --> 00:05:52,428
It's Val Kilmer!
113
00:05:54,748 --> 00:05:55,908
Oh, are you an actor?
114
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:02,668
You mentioned on the phone you had
a proposition for me.
115
00:06:02,668 --> 00:06:05,828
I'm in Los Angeles
and I run into Ron Howard.
116
00:06:05,828 --> 00:06:07,588
The director of Willow.
117
00:06:07,588 --> 00:06:10,868
And we get to talking
and he and I both agree it might be
118
00:06:10,868 --> 00:06:13,148
the right time to do
a sequel to Willow.
119
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:15,428
OK. Um...
120
00:06:16,748 --> 00:06:20,068
At the risk of sounding
self-centred here,
121
00:06:20,068 --> 00:06:21,828
is there a place in it for me?
122
00:06:21,828 --> 00:06:25,148
Warwick, you are Willow.
We're not going to do it without you.
123
00:06:25,148 --> 00:06:27,468
And you've spoken to George Lucas?
124
00:06:27,468 --> 00:06:29,868
Yes. Everyone's in place.
125
00:06:29,868 --> 00:06:32,708
OK. Wow.
126
00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:35,468
Sorry, I'm speechless. I mean, this
is something I've been hoping
127
00:06:35,468 --> 00:06:37,548
and praying for for such a long time
and it's...
128
00:06:37,548 --> 00:06:40,628
Right. And it couldn't happen at a
better time. I've been watching
129
00:06:40,628 --> 00:06:43,268
all the hit movies -
Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter...
130
00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:44,828
Fantasy films.
Fantasy films.
131
00:06:44,828 --> 00:06:47,628
We started all that, didn't we?
We started it all, right.
132
00:06:47,628 --> 00:06:49,708
So why not get a piece of what
we started?
133
00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:51,708
How far down the road are you
with this?
134
00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:54,388
Well, I want to develop
it as an independent picture
135
00:06:54,388 --> 00:06:57,148
and present it as a complete
package to the studios.
136
00:06:57,148 --> 00:06:59,908
So if you come on now,
I can get you on as a producer.
137
00:06:59,908 --> 00:07:01,708
Now, I've put in five grand already,
138
00:07:01,708 --> 00:07:04,068
to start with development costs
and stuff.
139
00:07:04,068 --> 00:07:06,948
So if you give me five grand,
just to get things going
140
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:09,428
while I'm here in London.
Five grand?
141
00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:10,828
Is that a problem for you?
142
00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:14,028
No. Not a problem at all. No, no,
no.
143
00:07:14,028 --> 00:07:17,108
In fact, I'm seeing my financial
team today.
144
00:07:36,548 --> 00:07:38,908
Right. What do you need?
145
00:07:38,908 --> 00:07:40,948
I need to find £5,000.
146
00:07:40,948 --> 00:07:43,508
Five grand? I just had a cheque
through for you for five grand.
147
00:07:43,508 --> 00:07:44,588
Did you? Yeah.
148
00:07:44,588 --> 00:07:48,188
Oh no, that's a bill.
That should be in the out tray!
149
00:07:48,188 --> 00:07:49,348
In tray.
150
00:07:49,348 --> 00:07:52,348
In tray, yeah.
Just as well you're here!
151
00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:56,828
I tell you what, if you were here all
the time I'd make half the mistakes I make!
152
00:07:56,828 --> 00:07:57,868
Good.
153
00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:00,588
Right, I need to raise £5,000.
154
00:08:00,588 --> 00:08:03,548
OK, let's brainstorm.
155
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:08,748
Have you seen Dragons' Den?
Yeah.
156
00:08:08,748 --> 00:08:10,828
Go on there.
I'm not going on there.
157
00:08:10,828 --> 00:08:13,028
No?
No, what else?
158
00:08:13,028 --> 00:08:14,068
That's all I had.
159
00:08:15,508 --> 00:08:17,108
OK.
160
00:08:17,108 --> 00:08:19,468
Actually,
you might be on to something, there.
161
00:08:19,468 --> 00:08:21,028
Am I? That's a first!
162
00:08:21,028 --> 00:08:23,508
Yeah. Maybe I could get
money from investors,
163
00:08:23,508 --> 00:08:26,108
like they do on Dragons' Den.
Yeah, there we are.
164
00:08:26,108 --> 00:08:27,308
Rent a hall or something,
165
00:08:27,308 --> 00:08:29,868
get along friends or family,
local businessmen,
166
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:32,868
greengrocers, whatever - then do
a presentation and beg for money.
167
00:08:32,868 --> 00:08:34,948
Yeah, yeah. This could work.
Doubt it, but...
168
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,388
Have you got anyone
on your books you could get along?
169
00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:39,908
I've got people who are looking
to invest. Great!
170
00:08:39,908 --> 00:08:42,948
But, as their accountant, I'd have to
advise them not to invest in you.
171
00:08:42,948 --> 00:08:44,188
Well, why?
172
00:08:44,188 --> 00:08:46,548
Because I'm your accountant!
173
00:08:46,548 --> 00:08:49,028
So if I'm being a good accountant,
I'd have to advise them
174
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:52,308
to not invest in you
because of me.
175
00:08:52,308 --> 00:08:54,668
But you're not a good accountant.
176
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,148
Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
I'll get some people along.
177
00:09:04,028 --> 00:09:07,228
I'm not one of those people who
thinks the world owes me a living.
178
00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:08,588
It's tough out there.
179
00:09:08,588 --> 00:09:11,548
It's tough for me,
tough for all my clients.
180
00:09:11,548 --> 00:09:14,388
So, you know, I'm not going to sit
here and wait for the phone to ring.
181
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:17,348
I'm going to create work
and look for new opportunities.
182
00:09:20,588 --> 00:09:21,908
Thanks for agreeing to meet me.
183
00:09:23,268 --> 00:09:26,948
Before I tell you what it's all
about, can I ask you a question?
184
00:09:26,948 --> 00:09:30,268
Les, are you involved in any
particular projects at the moment?
185
00:09:30,268 --> 00:09:33,348
What? TV, film, book deals, live
work? Yeah.
186
00:09:33,348 --> 00:09:34,508
No.
187
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:36,428
Nothing?
No.
188
00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:39,028
Shaun? I'm not getting offered book
deals, live work or TV,
189
00:09:39,028 --> 00:09:41,268
but I don't even feel like I'm not
being offered films.
190
00:09:41,268 --> 00:09:44,908
I've never been offered films.
I'm impressed Les thinks he's not being offered films.
191
00:09:44,908 --> 00:09:49,148
I know producers who've told me my
name was mentioned in a meeting, then I wasn't offered the film.
192
00:09:49,148 --> 00:09:51,268
What films weren't you offered?
Loads of films.
193
00:09:51,268 --> 00:09:54,148
I wasn't offered a certain very
famous Hugh Grant comedy.
194
00:09:54,148 --> 00:09:55,628
Four Weddings And A Funeral?
195
00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:57,468
I can't say.
Jammy bastard!
196
00:09:57,468 --> 00:09:59,668
OK, well...
So, nothing for either of you, then?
197
00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:01,188
No.
198
00:10:01,188 --> 00:10:02,348
Keith?
199
00:10:02,348 --> 00:10:05,068
Well, I used to get offered all
the work that Les turned down.
200
00:10:05,068 --> 00:10:06,628
Since he's not offered anything...
201
00:10:06,628 --> 00:10:09,548
Neither are you? OK,
yeah I get it.
202
00:10:09,548 --> 00:10:12,188
I blame your representation.
203
00:10:12,188 --> 00:10:14,428
Les, who's your agent?
Do you know Bob Denslow?
204
00:10:14,428 --> 00:10:16,108
No, I don't. What agency is he with?
205
00:10:16,108 --> 00:10:18,628
He isn't with an agency,
he's a minicab driver.
206
00:10:18,628 --> 00:10:20,388
But he keeps his eyes
and ears open for me
207
00:10:20,388 --> 00:10:23,228
and he says there's
nothing around at the moment.
208
00:10:23,228 --> 00:10:25,708
Shaun, do you have representation?
209
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:28,628
What do I need representation for?
I never get any fucking work.
210
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,908
Sure. Keith? Representation?
211
00:10:30,908 --> 00:10:33,508
What's representation?
212
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:34,948
OK, then.
213
00:10:34,948 --> 00:10:37,668
A lot of younger people watching
this, or foreigners,
214
00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:39,948
probably won't
know who these chaps are.
215
00:10:39,948 --> 00:10:42,948
In fact, most people watching this
probably won't know who they are,
216
00:10:42,948 --> 00:10:46,828
but at one time
they were big names on TV.
217
00:10:46,828 --> 00:10:51,468
Les Dennis was a comedian
and impressionist who hosted one of our biggest game shows,
218
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:54,108
Shaun was an actor in our biggest
soap opera,
219
00:10:54,108 --> 00:10:57,348
and Keith, he...
220
00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:58,548
mainly ran around a lot.
221
00:11:11,428 --> 00:11:14,188
Individually, you're
Z-list celebrities,
222
00:11:14,188 --> 00:11:17,908
but I think three Z-list celebrities
together make up one D-list.
223
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:20,228
And I think people would pay
to see a D-list.
224
00:11:20,228 --> 00:11:21,348
What have you got in mind?
225
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:24,428
Team you three up, put together some
kind of live show to take round
226
00:11:24,428 --> 00:11:26,548
clubs, pubs, student unions,
that sort of thing.
227
00:11:26,548 --> 00:11:27,628
I could sing, I suppose.
228
00:11:27,628 --> 00:11:29,388
I could do Family Fortunes.
229
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:32,068
Perfect! Keith, you could do
Cheggers Plays Pop.
230
00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:33,508
What's that?
231
00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:35,708
That was a TV show you used to do.
232
00:11:35,708 --> 00:11:36,948
I don't remember.
233
00:11:36,948 --> 00:11:38,188
That's when he was drinking.
234
00:11:39,508 --> 00:11:40,748
Well, you once did a show...
235
00:11:40,748 --> 00:11:42,148
I did a show?
236
00:11:42,148 --> 00:11:45,668
Yeah, Cheggers Plays Pop.
237
00:11:45,668 --> 00:11:47,148
You know they call you Cheggers?
238
00:11:47,148 --> 00:11:51,028
Yeah, it's my nickname.
But my real name's Keith Chegwin.
239
00:11:51,028 --> 00:11:52,188
Yeah, I know.
240
00:11:52,188 --> 00:11:55,748
Do you remember the BBC once gave
you your own TV show called Cheggers Plays Pop?
241
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,028
Oh, yeah, yeah, I do remember.
242
00:11:58,028 --> 00:12:00,868
Yeah, they gave me my own show,
I went out for a few drinks
243
00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:04,988
to celebrate and didn't stop
drinking for, oh, 15 years.
244
00:12:04,988 --> 00:12:08,748
Well, there we go. You could do
Cheggers Plays Pop on stage.
245
00:12:08,748 --> 00:12:10,548
I could see how this might work, you
know?
246
00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:14,028
Definitely. You three are like...
You're like three legs of a stool.
247
00:12:14,028 --> 00:12:16,348
Separately, you're of no use,
no-one wants you -
248
00:12:16,348 --> 00:12:19,908
but together,
we've got something of worth.
249
00:12:19,908 --> 00:12:22,628
United we stand, divided we fall.
Exactly.
250
00:12:22,628 --> 00:12:24,468
Safety in numbers.
Yeah.
251
00:12:24,468 --> 00:12:27,228
Two's company. Three's a crowd.
252
00:12:27,228 --> 00:12:29,228
No, that doesn't apply here.
I'm just saying.
253
00:12:29,228 --> 00:12:32,628
I've got you a booking in a pub in
three weeks, just to test the water.
254
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:33,788
You all in?
255
00:12:33,788 --> 00:12:35,308
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah?
256
00:12:35,308 --> 00:12:36,828
Keith?
257
00:12:36,828 --> 00:12:38,068
What?
258
00:12:38,068 --> 00:12:40,348
Are you in?
In what?
259
00:12:40,348 --> 00:12:42,188
Do you want to do the show?
260
00:12:42,188 --> 00:12:43,788
Are they doing it?
261
00:12:43,788 --> 00:12:45,428
Yes.
Yeah.
262
00:12:46,908 --> 00:12:47,948
Great.
263
00:13:02,868 --> 00:13:05,188
All right, guys.
I'll go in and sort everything.
264
00:13:05,188 --> 00:13:08,268
You stay in the car, I don't want
the fans seeing you before the show.
265
00:13:08,268 --> 00:13:10,428
We can probably sneak you in the
back way. All right?
266
00:13:10,428 --> 00:13:11,508
Makes sense.
267
00:13:11,508 --> 00:13:14,228
Yeah, so what time are we going to
arrive?
268
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:17,188
We're here.
Oh, excellent!
269
00:13:28,228 --> 00:13:30,188
We're closed.
Are you Mike?
270
00:13:31,468 --> 00:13:32,748
Who wants to know?
271
00:13:32,748 --> 00:13:35,308
I'm Warwick, I'm here with the
All Star Funtime Roadshow.
272
00:13:35,308 --> 00:13:37,868
Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin...
No, no, I cancelled that.
273
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:39,388
What do you mean you cancelled it?
274
00:13:39,388 --> 00:13:43,148
Yeah, we tried to sell tickets
but we had to cancel it due to a complete lack of interest.
275
00:13:43,148 --> 00:13:45,508
I didn't get that message.
Did you call my office?
276
00:13:45,508 --> 00:13:49,308
I called last week. I spoke to some
bird called Shirley or Cheryl or something.
277
00:13:49,308 --> 00:13:50,748
Oh, yeah, that explains it.
278
00:13:50,748 --> 00:13:53,308
So you couldn't sell any tickets?
No.
279
00:13:53,308 --> 00:13:54,628
How much were you charging?
280
00:13:54,628 --> 00:13:57,588
Well, started off at a tenner,
not a sniff, you know,
281
00:13:57,588 --> 00:13:59,348
so we dropped it down to five quid.
282
00:13:59,348 --> 00:14:00,748
Five quid? Still nothing?
No.
283
00:14:00,748 --> 00:14:03,348
Then we tried five quid with
a free curry. Still nothing.
284
00:14:03,348 --> 00:14:04,748
How much is a curry normally?
285
00:14:04,748 --> 00:14:05,868
It's normally seven quid.
286
00:14:14,668 --> 00:14:18,308
They're going to be devastated.
What if they played for free?
287
00:14:18,308 --> 00:14:19,708
Would they play for free?
288
00:14:19,708 --> 00:14:22,548
Yeah, I could sort something.
Would you let them play for free?
289
00:14:22,548 --> 00:14:24,028
Well, how long do they play for?
290
00:14:24,028 --> 00:14:25,908
How long do you want?
As short as possible.
291
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,948
All right then, deal.
292
00:14:27,948 --> 00:14:29,788
Yeah, go on.
You're paying for this, yeah?
293
00:14:29,788 --> 00:14:31,388
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll pay them,
294
00:14:31,388 --> 00:14:33,828
but, please, I don't want them
to know I'm paying them.
295
00:14:33,828 --> 00:14:34,908
Suit yourself. OK.
296
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,348
I'll get the gear out the car
then.
297
00:14:36,348 --> 00:14:37,468
Knock yourself out, mate.
298
00:14:38,868 --> 00:14:40,388
Right, we're all set, lads.
299
00:14:40,388 --> 00:14:42,428
Wa-hey!
How were the ticket sales?
300
00:14:42,428 --> 00:14:45,068
Yeah. It's...sold out.
Total sell out.
301
00:14:45,068 --> 00:14:47,108
Get in!
Come on, let's get the gear in!
302
00:14:47,108 --> 00:14:48,628
Where's the venue?
303
00:14:48,628 --> 00:14:49,988
This is the venue.
304
00:14:49,988 --> 00:14:51,068
Excellent!
305
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:52,428
Come on, Cheryl. Come and help.
306
00:14:52,428 --> 00:14:53,508
That's it, you grab that.
307
00:14:53,508 --> 00:14:55,388
It's the balloons.
Yeah, watch my balloons.
308
00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:56,428
There you go.
309
00:15:13,148 --> 00:15:15,788
Oh, look, it's a dwarf!
310
00:15:17,388 --> 00:15:18,828
Hello, everyone.
311
00:15:18,828 --> 00:15:23,188
Welcome to the Prince of Wales,
here in beautiful Catford.
312
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:27,148
You are in for a treat tonight.
Who loves Family Fortunes?
313
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,468
Who likes EastEnders?
314
00:15:33,188 --> 00:15:35,988
Who remembers Keith Chegwin?
315
00:15:38,548 --> 00:15:40,588
Yeah. So now, please,
ladies and gentlemen,
316
00:15:40,588 --> 00:15:42,588
give it up for the
All Star Funtime Roadshow!
317
00:15:54,468 --> 00:15:55,868
Here we go!
318
00:15:57,508 --> 00:15:59,948
♪ Guess who just got back today?
319
00:15:59,948 --> 00:16:02,828
♪ Them wild-eyed boys
that had been away
320
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:05,588
♪ Haven't changed
Haven't much to say
321
00:16:05,588 --> 00:16:07,908
♪ But, man, I still think them
cats are crazy... ♪
322
00:16:07,908 --> 00:16:09,388
Here's Les Dennis!
323
00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:12,108
♪ ..They were asking
if you were around
324
00:16:12,108 --> 00:16:15,068
♪ How you was
Where you could be found
325
00:16:15,068 --> 00:16:17,988
♪ Told them you were living downtown
326
00:16:17,988 --> 00:16:21,428
♪ Driving all the old men crazy... ♪
Cheggers!
327
00:16:21,428 --> 00:16:25,068
♪ ..The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town... ♪
328
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,708
Fuck me, there's three of them!
329
00:16:26,708 --> 00:16:29,508
♪ ..The boys are back! ♪
Wa-hey!
330
00:16:33,428 --> 00:16:36,788
We're very excited to be here
because, as they say in our profession,
331
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,388
in the profession of showbiz,
332
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:41,148
there are certain places you only
ever play twice in your career.
333
00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:42,748
You'll play them
once on your way up,
334
00:16:42,748 --> 00:16:45,188
and you'll play them
once on your way back down again.
335
00:16:45,188 --> 00:16:47,308
So it's great to be back!
336
00:16:49,228 --> 00:16:50,708
Hey, Keith?
What?
337
00:16:50,708 --> 00:16:53,228
I went on that Tesco dating
website today.
338
00:16:53,228 --> 00:16:55,308
And?
They sent me a Bag For Life.
339
00:16:58,828 --> 00:17:02,228
Hey, German shepherd craps on me
lawn each morning.
340
00:17:02,228 --> 00:17:04,428
Yeah, the other day
he brought his dog!
341
00:17:06,308 --> 00:17:09,028
Another Cheggers chuckle!
342
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,588
Wa-hey!
343
00:17:13,708 --> 00:17:15,468
♪ Cheggers Plays Pop.. ♪
344
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,068
- Come on!
- ♪ ...Cheggers Plays Pop.. ♪
345
00:17:18,068 --> 00:17:19,348
You've got it!
346
00:17:19,348 --> 00:17:21,148
♪ ...Cheggers Plays Pop.. ♪
347
00:17:21,148 --> 00:17:23,828
One more!
♪ ...Cheggers Plays Pop. ♪
348
00:17:23,828 --> 00:17:27,428
All right,
it's time for a musical guest.
349
00:17:27,428 --> 00:17:29,588
Will you please welcome on stage
Shaun Williamson!
350
00:17:37,748 --> 00:17:41,628
Tonight, Keith, I'm going to sing
I Believe by Cher.
351
00:17:42,708 --> 00:17:43,868
You're singing I Believe,
352
00:17:43,868 --> 00:17:46,708
but you're dressed like as if were
in the Turn Back Time video?
353
00:17:46,708 --> 00:17:51,308
That's because I prefer the song
I Believe, but the crowd deserve to see...
354
00:17:51,308 --> 00:17:53,068
the arse!
355
00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:59,268
Oh, don't do that!
356
00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:02,148
As in all our questions,
we've surveyed 100 people.
357
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:05,788
So we're looking for things that
people shout at me in the street.
358
00:18:05,788 --> 00:18:09,028
We've already got "wanker,"
we're looking for four others.
359
00:18:09,028 --> 00:18:10,708
Er, knobhead.
360
00:18:10,708 --> 00:18:15,428
You think "knobhead."
Let's have a look.
361
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,788
Yes, it's answer number four!
362
00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:22,428
♪ I'm your private dancer
363
00:18:22,428 --> 00:18:24,348
♪ A dancer for money
364
00:18:24,348 --> 00:18:27,948
♪ Do what you want me to do
365
00:18:27,948 --> 00:18:30,908
♪ I'm your private dancer
366
00:18:30,908 --> 00:18:33,068
♪ A dancer for money
367
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:36,468
♪ Any old music will do
368
00:18:36,468 --> 00:18:40,428
♪ I'm your private dancer
I'm a dancer for money
369
00:18:40,428 --> 00:18:43,468
♪ I'll do what you want me to do
370
00:18:43,468 --> 00:18:47,268
♪ I'm your private dancer
371
00:18:47,268 --> 00:18:49,868
♪ A dancer for money
372
00:18:49,868 --> 00:18:52,948
♪ And any old music will do. ♪
373
00:18:52,948 --> 00:18:54,148
Yeah!
374
00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:09,508
Can I just say, you've been
absolutely wonderful. I love you. Thank you very much. Cheers.
375
00:19:09,508 --> 00:19:14,508
You really have. You've made
three old men very happy, so thank you.
376
00:19:14,508 --> 00:19:15,828
I, um...
377
00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:18,028
Um...
378
00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:21,348
Oh!
379
00:19:21,348 --> 00:19:22,748
Sorry.
380
00:19:27,468 --> 00:19:29,788
Thank you! We'll be back!
381
00:19:37,028 --> 00:19:39,988
We asked a hundred people who were
back and they said...us, mate!"
382
00:19:39,988 --> 00:19:41,828
The boys are back!
383
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:44,828
Good audience, Warwick.
Very good crowd.
384
00:19:44,828 --> 00:19:47,388
And that was sold out, was it?
Yeah, just a bit.
385
00:19:47,388 --> 00:19:49,148
How much did we make?
400 quid.
386
00:19:49,148 --> 00:19:51,588
Show me the money! Come on!
387
00:19:51,588 --> 00:19:54,588
Hey, we should play bigger
venues. We should play...Wembley.
388
00:19:54,588 --> 00:19:57,068
Well, one step at a time, hey, Les?
Thanks.
389
00:19:57,068 --> 00:19:59,308
Do you reckon we'll get
groupies?
390
00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:01,268
I wouldn't make it your main aim.
391
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:04,268
Oh thanks, Warwick. Great job, mate.
Thanks for sorting this out, really.
392
00:20:04,268 --> 00:20:06,708
No, no, well done. And this is just
the beginning, you know.
393
00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:10,428
Onwards and upwards! Group hug!
The boys are back.
394
00:20:27,988 --> 00:20:31,388
Good turnout. OK, let's do this.
Big me up, then bring me out.
395
00:20:31,388 --> 00:20:32,828
Go for it.
396
00:20:36,508 --> 00:20:42,788
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have
seen him in Return Of The Jedi,
397
00:20:42,788 --> 00:20:47,388
or Leprechaun,
or Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy,
398
00:20:47,388 --> 00:20:51,628
or Harry Potter, but tonight
you will actually see his face
399
00:20:51,628 --> 00:20:53,428
for the very first time.
400
00:20:53,428 --> 00:20:56,268
So when you do see him,
don't be alarmed.
401
00:20:56,268 --> 00:20:59,908
He is totally well
and meant to look like this
402
00:20:59,908 --> 00:21:03,988
and you can swear or whatever
because he's an adult.
403
00:21:03,988 --> 00:21:09,228
So, please welcome to the stage,
Warwick Davis.
404
00:21:10,428 --> 00:21:14,748
Good afternoon. Thank you very much,
ladies and gentleman. Thank you.
405
00:21:17,708 --> 00:21:19,748
Ha-ha, look at him struggling!
406
00:21:19,748 --> 00:21:22,348
Cheryl, microphone!
407
00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:26,548
Shush! Thank you. The year is 1988.
408
00:21:26,548 --> 00:21:30,108
The film everyone's
talking about - Willow.
409
00:21:30,108 --> 00:21:34,228
A fantasy epic from the mind of
Star Wars genius George Lucas,
410
00:21:34,228 --> 00:21:36,148
directed by Ron Howard.
411
00:21:37,868 --> 00:21:41,668
The film was an enchanting mix
of adventure, magic, romance
412
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:44,228
and, yes, even a little humour.
413
00:21:44,228 --> 00:21:47,468
So, who here is a fan of Willow?
414
00:21:49,468 --> 00:21:51,468
Who here has seen Willow?
415
00:21:53,028 --> 00:21:54,788
Yes! Did you like it?
416
00:21:56,548 --> 00:21:59,148
No? He's not a huge fan,
but he has seen it.
417
00:21:59,148 --> 00:22:01,388
Yes, ladies and gentleman,
today I'm giving you
418
00:22:01,388 --> 00:22:06,108
the once in a lifetime opportunity
to invest in a major motion picture.
419
00:22:06,108 --> 00:22:08,388
Willow 2.
420
00:22:08,388 --> 00:22:12,508
Let's take a look at the kind of
return you could get on your money.
421
00:22:12,508 --> 00:22:15,308
In 1988, Ron directed me
in Willow.
422
00:22:15,308 --> 00:22:18,308
The film made 57 million domestic.
423
00:22:18,308 --> 00:22:22,868
In 1989, Ron directed Parenthood.
Cheryl, how much did that make?
424
00:22:22,868 --> 00:22:25,748
126 million.
425
00:22:25,748 --> 00:22:29,188
In 1995, Ron made Apollo 13.
426
00:22:29,188 --> 00:22:30,868
355 million.
427
00:22:30,868 --> 00:22:33,908
In 2006, Ron made
The Da Vinci Code.
428
00:22:33,908 --> 00:22:36,308
758 million.
429
00:22:36,308 --> 00:22:39,788
So based on Ron's track record,
Willow 2 will make over...
430
00:22:39,788 --> 00:22:42,468
1 billion!
A billion dollars.
431
00:22:42,468 --> 00:22:46,108
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope
you brought your cheque books.
432
00:22:46,108 --> 00:22:48,308
Thank you.
433
00:22:48,308 --> 00:22:49,828
Oh!
434
00:22:52,588 --> 00:22:54,108
Oh, for fuck's sake.
435
00:23:03,268 --> 00:23:06,988
What are you doing?
I'm trying to invent a new shape.
436
00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:11,868
You should be fundraising.
Go on, we're here to raise cash.
437
00:23:13,788 --> 00:23:15,548
The thing about this project is
438
00:23:15,548 --> 00:23:18,028
we're sort of hitting the ground
running with this.
439
00:23:18,028 --> 00:23:20,628
This is an established franchise,
a brand if you like.
440
00:23:20,628 --> 00:23:24,148
Would you like to be in the film,
because I think you would play
441
00:23:24,148 --> 00:23:28,588
a really good wise man and you would
be a really good star.
442
00:23:28,588 --> 00:23:30,748
Yeah, that does sound good.
443
00:23:32,428 --> 00:23:34,508
See that group over there.
444
00:23:35,948 --> 00:23:38,588
I want you to go over there
and mingle with them.
445
00:23:38,588 --> 00:23:40,828
Win their confidence,
become one of them.
446
00:23:40,828 --> 00:23:43,388
Then I'll come over and do my pitch.
447
00:23:43,388 --> 00:23:45,268
You give me a hard time.
448
00:23:45,268 --> 00:23:47,948
So you're a tough-nosed investor,
like, like Gordon Gekko,
449
00:23:47,948 --> 00:23:50,508
and I'll win you round, OK?
But don't make it easy for me.
450
00:23:50,508 --> 00:23:51,588
All right. Right, yeah.
451
00:23:51,588 --> 00:23:54,428
I'll make sure they don't know
I'm on your side, right.
452
00:23:55,948 --> 00:23:57,548
Hello, all right?
453
00:23:57,548 --> 00:24:00,348
I'm nothing to do with Warwick,
by the way.
454
00:24:00,348 --> 00:24:03,188
I'm very tough but easily pleased.
455
00:24:03,188 --> 00:24:06,988
So did the presentation
make sense to you?
456
00:24:06,988 --> 00:24:10,188
It made sense in as much
as you were speaking English.
457
00:24:10,188 --> 00:24:11,828
So are you interested in investing?
458
00:24:11,828 --> 00:24:13,468
Definitely not.
459
00:24:13,468 --> 00:24:16,708
Well, have you considered
my proposal fully?
460
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:19,708
Let's imagine this was the
Dragons' Den and I walk in...
461
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,268
I'd say I'm out immediately.
462
00:24:22,268 --> 00:24:26,068
You haven't let me
finish my presentation.
463
00:24:26,068 --> 00:24:28,828
I walk in and I'd say,
"Hi, I'm Warwick Davis."
464
00:24:28,828 --> 00:24:31,148
I'd definitely say I'm
out at that point.
465
00:24:33,868 --> 00:24:35,948
You have to let me
finish my presentation.
466
00:24:35,948 --> 00:24:37,788
Let him finish his presentation.
467
00:24:37,788 --> 00:24:39,668
Oh, thank you, Sue. OK.
468
00:24:39,668 --> 00:24:41,268
So I'd come in and I'd say,
469
00:24:41,268 --> 00:24:43,588
"Hi, I'm Warwick Davis,
the accomplished actor.
470
00:24:43,588 --> 00:24:46,548
What do you mean accomplished?
Have you won awards?
471
00:24:46,548 --> 00:24:49,228
No. Then you can't say
you're an accomplished actor.
472
00:24:49,228 --> 00:24:53,268
You are a hard-nosed investor,
aren't you? Maybe too hard-nosed.
473
00:24:53,268 --> 00:24:54,868
Let me see if I can win you around.
474
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:57,788
I doubt it. People say
I'm like Gordon the Gopher.
475
00:24:57,788 --> 00:24:59,628
Gekko. Gordon the Gekko.
476
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:01,708
Gordon Gekko. Him.
477
00:25:01,708 --> 00:25:04,428
So, you're not only
investing in me,
478
00:25:04,428 --> 00:25:07,388
Warwick Davis,
the accomplished actor... Actor.
479
00:25:07,388 --> 00:25:08,908
Actor.
480
00:25:08,908 --> 00:25:10,828
You're investing in a dream.
481
00:25:10,828 --> 00:25:14,068
The dream of a sequel to
the much-loved fantasy film Willow.
482
00:25:14,068 --> 00:25:17,908
Do you have any questions?
Yes, when can I say I'm out?
483
00:25:30,388 --> 00:25:34,748
No, no. It's not about that, Ian...
484
00:25:34,748 --> 00:25:38,268
He's got no money at all,
you know,
485
00:25:38,268 --> 00:25:42,428
and he's trying
to rebuild his career.
486
00:25:42,428 --> 00:25:46,348
He's trying
to be a better person.
487
00:25:46,348 --> 00:25:48,508
I really think we should help him.
488
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:54,188
Right, no, that's OK.
That's fine. That's fine.
489
00:25:54,188 --> 00:25:57,108
I'll just take it
out of my own savings.
490
00:25:57,108 --> 00:25:58,148
Yeah, bye.
491
00:26:08,548 --> 00:26:10,868
How's it going today?
492
00:26:10,868 --> 00:26:13,068
So-so.
493
00:26:13,068 --> 00:26:16,228
Ian and I want to put in £500.
494
00:26:18,228 --> 00:26:20,988
Oh, well, thank you.
That's amazing.
495
00:26:20,988 --> 00:26:24,708
You won't regret this. Honestly.
496
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:28,468
And thank Ian as well. I will.
Thank you.
497
00:26:28,468 --> 00:26:32,268
Give us a kiss. Thank you.
That's OK.
498
00:26:34,788 --> 00:26:38,228
We've raised £4,600 today.
Thank you.
499
00:26:38,228 --> 00:26:41,308
And I've managed to scrape together
£400 of my own money.
500
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:45,428
So that's £5,000 for Val
to get Willow 2 up and running.
501
00:26:45,428 --> 00:26:47,508
Let's make movies!
502
00:26:47,508 --> 00:26:49,428
A movie. Yeah.
503
00:26:49,428 --> 00:26:52,588
And here's some more great news. In
Willow 1, there were loads of roles
504
00:26:52,588 --> 00:26:55,268
for little people. I spoke to Val
and he said the same
505
00:26:55,268 --> 00:26:56,868
is going to be true of Willow 2,
506
00:26:56,868 --> 00:27:00,068
which means I'll be able to give
loads of work to my clients.
507
00:27:00,068 --> 00:27:02,388
A lot of them
have been struggling lately,
508
00:27:02,388 --> 00:27:05,188
so I can't wait to give them
the good news.
509
00:27:09,108 --> 00:27:12,908
Right, everyone, what is the best
news that you could hear today?
510
00:27:14,348 --> 00:27:16,908
No, you know the good news,
Cheryl, put your hand down.
511
00:27:16,908 --> 00:27:19,268
Anyone but Cheryl?
What's the best news you could get?
512
00:27:19,268 --> 00:27:22,108
They've lowered the height
restrictions on rides at Alton Towers?
513
00:27:22,108 --> 00:27:24,308
No. Well, have you sent
our petition?
514
00:27:24,308 --> 00:27:26,948
I have, but that's not the news.
Anyone else?
515
00:27:26,948 --> 00:27:29,028
What's the best news you could get?
516
00:27:29,028 --> 00:27:31,228
No, you know the news, Cheryl,
put your hand down.
517
00:27:31,228 --> 00:27:33,068
Pete? What's the best news
you could get?
518
00:27:33,068 --> 00:27:36,468
They've invented time travel. What?
Have they invented time travel?
519
00:27:36,468 --> 00:27:38,988
We could go back
and see all the dinosaurs.
520
00:27:38,988 --> 00:27:41,388
That would be good news,
but it's not that.
521
00:27:41,388 --> 00:27:44,188
I don't think you're going to get
it.
522
00:27:44,188 --> 00:27:47,668
Go on then, Cheryl,
tell them the good news?
523
00:27:47,668 --> 00:27:50,468
Is it that they can clone pets now?
524
00:27:50,468 --> 00:27:51,628
What?
525
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:53,028
Can they clone pets?
526
00:27:53,028 --> 00:27:55,428
So when you take your pet to the vet
and they go,
527
00:27:55,428 --> 00:27:57,268
"Oh, it's really sick, it's dying,"
528
00:27:57,268 --> 00:28:00,988
and you say, "Oh, I love Mr Cuddles.
That was the best pet I ever had.
529
00:28:00,988 --> 00:28:03,348
"I'm never going to have
a pet like him."
530
00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:07,628
And then the vet goes, "Oh, yes,
you will, I've made another one.
531
00:28:07,628 --> 00:28:09,868
"Look, here's an exact copy."
532
00:28:12,428 --> 00:28:14,628
No, they can't clone pets now,
533
00:28:14,628 --> 00:28:18,468
that's not the good news, and
you knew what the good news was!
534
00:28:18,468 --> 00:28:21,948
The good news is we're making
a sequel to Willow!
535
00:28:23,388 --> 00:28:26,108
You're still thinking
about time travel, aren't you?
536
00:28:26,108 --> 00:28:28,388
Yeah, that would be amazing.
Yeah, it would be,
537
00:28:28,388 --> 00:28:31,188
but this is amazing too,
because as one of the producers,
538
00:28:31,188 --> 00:28:34,428
I can make sure there are loads
of roles in it for you guys!
539
00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:39,268
Yeah, now you're excited.
And no-one guessed it.
540
00:28:39,268 --> 00:28:42,348
Even those who already
knew it didn't guess it.
541
00:28:52,788 --> 00:28:55,908
After an obvious shaky start
with me having to pay the lads
542
00:28:55,908 --> 00:28:58,108
out of my own money,
word is now spreading
543
00:28:58,108 --> 00:29:01,188
and I'm getting them gigs
at rugby clubs, student unions,
544
00:29:01,188 --> 00:29:03,708
a few corporates. We're actually
selling tickets now.
545
00:29:03,708 --> 00:29:05,748
Let me call you
when I get back to the office
546
00:29:05,748 --> 00:29:07,828
and then we'll get
something booked in.
547
00:29:07,828 --> 00:29:11,308
A farmer in Norwich has grown
the first ever field of dildoes.
548
00:29:11,308 --> 00:29:13,308
He's been invaded by squatters.
549
00:29:18,828 --> 00:29:22,908
Yes, it's the top answer!
You're playing big money!
550
00:29:27,828 --> 00:29:30,548
Here we are. 129.
551
00:29:30,548 --> 00:29:33,068
My junior executive family room.
552
00:29:33,068 --> 00:29:35,748
That's comfy.
553
00:29:35,748 --> 00:29:36,868
Free biscuits.
554
00:29:36,868 --> 00:29:39,788
Are they free though? Because
sometimes they sting you for those.
555
00:29:39,788 --> 00:29:41,308
Do they? Yeah. I'll get on to it.
556
00:29:41,308 --> 00:29:46,548
Hello? These biscuits in the room,
are they free? They are?
557
00:29:46,548 --> 00:29:49,148
Yes! Good!
558
00:29:49,148 --> 00:29:51,668
Yeah, my life is going
pretty well at the moment.
559
00:29:51,668 --> 00:29:54,268
I mean, overall, my life is shit.
560
00:29:54,268 --> 00:29:57,348
It started off badly and I'm pretty
sure it's going to end badly,
561
00:29:57,348 --> 00:30:00,268
but certainly at the moment
I'm on an absolute high.
562
00:30:00,268 --> 00:30:02,668
♪ Picture this
We were both butt naked
563
00:30:02,668 --> 00:30:04,548
♪ Banging on the bathroom floor
564
00:30:04,548 --> 00:30:09,148
♪ How could I forget that I had
given her an extra key
565
00:30:09,148 --> 00:30:12,188
♪ All this time
she was standing there
566
00:30:12,188 --> 00:30:14,508
♪ She didn't take her eyes off me
567
00:30:14,508 --> 00:30:17,028
♪ To be a true player
you have to learn how to play
568
00:30:17,028 --> 00:30:19,508
♪ If she say a night
Convince her a day
569
00:30:19,508 --> 00:30:21,708
♪ Never admit to a word that she say
570
00:30:21,708 --> 00:30:24,788
♪ And if she claims it's you
Tell her, "Baby, no way"
571
00:30:24,788 --> 00:30:27,308
♪ But she caught me
on the counter
572
00:30:27,308 --> 00:30:28,468
♪ It wasn't me
573
00:30:28,468 --> 00:30:30,028
♪ Caught me banging on the sofa
574
00:30:30,028 --> 00:30:31,148
♪ It wasn't me
575
00:30:31,148 --> 00:30:32,628
♪ Even caught me in the shower
576
00:30:32,628 --> 00:30:34,388
♪ It wasn't me
577
00:30:34,388 --> 00:30:35,868
♪ Even had it on camera... ♪
578
00:31:03,148 --> 00:31:05,748
Yes! Have an air guitar, fantastic!
579
00:31:05,748 --> 00:31:09,388
It's the top answer!
580
00:31:12,868 --> 00:31:16,508
Yeah, I'm pretty exhausted
at the moment. Work is 24/7.
581
00:31:16,508 --> 00:31:20,348
But I don't think you can enjoy
success unless you've worked for it.
582
00:31:23,148 --> 00:31:25,828
Right, you got everything you need?
Yeah, yeah.
583
00:31:25,828 --> 00:31:28,668
All right then, I'll see you
in the morning for breakfast.
584
00:31:28,668 --> 00:31:29,868
That's free too. Night.
585
00:31:29,868 --> 00:31:32,908
Good night, Warwick. Good night.
Good night.
586
00:31:40,068 --> 00:31:42,868
Not while I'm reading.
587
00:32:07,908 --> 00:32:11,548
Aargh! What are you doing?
588
00:32:11,548 --> 00:32:14,788
Why were you sleeping in the car?
It saves the boys money.
589
00:32:14,788 --> 00:32:18,308
Everything we spend
comes out of their income.
590
00:32:18,308 --> 00:32:22,308
They get a room, you should get
a room. You're being too generous.
591
00:32:22,308 --> 00:32:23,868
It's not generosity.
592
00:32:23,868 --> 00:32:25,268
I'm saving them money now
593
00:32:25,268 --> 00:32:27,788
but if I can get them in bigger
venues or back on the TV,
594
00:32:27,788 --> 00:32:32,068
then we start seeing the big money
and that's when I get paid back.
595
00:32:32,068 --> 00:32:34,348
OK, I'm sure you know
what you're doing.
596
00:32:45,028 --> 00:32:46,628
Adam West?
597
00:32:46,628 --> 00:32:48,668
No, Adam West is about 85.
598
00:32:48,668 --> 00:32:50,868
I don't know.
We've had them all, haven't we?
599
00:32:50,868 --> 00:32:54,188
Um, we've had George Clooney.
Christian Bale.
600
00:32:54,188 --> 00:32:57,188
Er, Michael Keaton.
I don't know who else was in Batman.
601
00:32:57,188 --> 00:32:58,708
Take it off, Val.
602
00:33:00,828 --> 00:33:02,308
It's Val Kilmer!
603
00:33:02,308 --> 00:33:05,068
Ohhhh! Yeah.
604
00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:07,428
I got ya. You did.
605
00:33:07,428 --> 00:33:10,428
It's my er, my trick.
No-one ever gets it.
606
00:33:12,548 --> 00:33:16,828
Good to see you. So we're kind
of a bit pressed for time.
607
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,388
What can we do for you?
608
00:33:19,388 --> 00:33:21,068
It's what we can do for you guys.
609
00:33:21,068 --> 00:33:23,148
Val and I are putting together
Willow 2
610
00:33:23,148 --> 00:33:26,228
and we'd like to invite you
to come on board as producers.
611
00:33:26,228 --> 00:33:30,068
I've already raised £5,000.
612
00:33:30,068 --> 00:33:32,388
Right. And what do you want from us?
613
00:33:32,388 --> 00:33:35,868
Well, another 5,000 for development.
614
00:33:35,868 --> 00:33:37,548
Right, and what would that be for?
615
00:33:37,548 --> 00:33:39,388
Development costs.
616
00:33:39,388 --> 00:33:43,068
Yeah, no, but what,
what are those costs at this stage?
617
00:33:44,668 --> 00:33:46,668
Writers. Right.
618
00:33:46,668 --> 00:33:50,148
I'm staying at The Dorchester.
That's going to get to be expensive.
619
00:33:50,148 --> 00:33:52,108
If you eat and drink
like I intend to,
620
00:33:52,108 --> 00:33:54,308
that's going to be 50 grand
right there.
621
00:33:54,308 --> 00:33:57,828
I mean, if you don't think I can
drain a mini bar, have it restocked
622
00:33:57,828 --> 00:33:59,708
and do it all again the next night,
623
00:33:59,708 --> 00:34:02,508
then you're a bigger fool
than I thought you were.
624
00:34:04,788 --> 00:34:07,108
Oh, OK.
625
00:34:07,108 --> 00:34:13,068
OK, do you mind if we have a
quick word with Warwick alone?
626
00:34:13,068 --> 00:34:18,108
No, sure. Take all the time you need.
627
00:34:18,108 --> 00:34:20,308
Are you going to finish
that tiramisu?
628
00:34:21,508 --> 00:34:23,828
No, take it. Go for it.
629
00:34:23,828 --> 00:34:26,028
Cool. All right.
630
00:34:26,028 --> 00:34:28,068
Waste not, want not.
631
00:34:28,068 --> 00:34:31,628
Listen, I know I've pestered
you guys a bit in the past
632
00:34:31,628 --> 00:34:34,668
but this is a real
opportunity for me.
633
00:34:34,668 --> 00:34:37,788
And a real investment opportunity
for you guys as well.
634
00:34:37,788 --> 00:34:39,828
Ron Howard and George Lucas
are attached.
635
00:34:39,828 --> 00:34:42,148
See that's what
I don't understand, Warwick.
636
00:34:42,148 --> 00:34:45,388
If those guys are on board,
why are you scrabbling around trying
637
00:34:45,388 --> 00:34:48,948
to raise a few grand from friends
and relatives or whatever?
638
00:34:48,948 --> 00:34:51,508
They must have that sort of money
lying around in drawers.
639
00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:53,188
Yeah. I mean, have you spoken
to them?
640
00:34:53,188 --> 00:34:55,548
Do you know if this is actually
happening? Well, I...
641
00:34:55,548 --> 00:34:59,068
Because you know, Val just seems
a little bit flighty.
642
00:34:59,068 --> 00:35:00,308
Think!
643
00:35:00,308 --> 00:35:01,908
Christian Bale.
644
00:35:01,908 --> 00:35:03,828
Don't you people go to the movies?
645
00:35:21,828 --> 00:35:23,668
Big night for us tonight.
646
00:35:23,668 --> 00:35:27,188
I managed to persuade Paul Jacobs
to come down to tonight's show.
647
00:35:27,188 --> 00:35:30,508
Now Paul is the commissioning
editor for ITV2.
648
00:35:30,508 --> 00:35:34,388
So he's got the power to say yay or
nay to putting the lads back on TV,
649
00:35:34,388 --> 00:35:36,508
which would be massive for us.
650
00:35:36,508 --> 00:35:40,108
Hi, Paul. Hello there. All right?
651
00:35:40,108 --> 00:35:42,588
Thanks for coming down.
Can I get you a drink?
652
00:35:42,588 --> 00:35:44,068
No, I'm all right, thanks.
653
00:35:46,268 --> 00:35:48,868
Hope you enjoy the show.
Yeah, so do I.
654
00:35:51,588 --> 00:35:54,348
See you afterwards then?
Yeah, maybe.
655
00:35:57,908 --> 00:36:00,468
Come on!
656
00:36:00,468 --> 00:36:01,628
I told the lads he's in.
657
00:36:01,628 --> 00:36:03,948
I don't know whether that was
a good idea or not,
658
00:36:03,948 --> 00:36:05,868
but I do need them to be
on their A game.
659
00:36:05,868 --> 00:36:08,148
Because, er, you know,
if I'm honest,
660
00:36:08,148 --> 00:36:11,028
probably the last bite
of the cherry for them.
661
00:36:11,028 --> 00:36:12,788
And for me as well.
662
00:36:13,988 --> 00:36:16,228
All right, chaps? Everything's set.
663
00:36:16,228 --> 00:36:17,588
The audience is in, so...
664
00:36:17,588 --> 00:36:19,228
I'm really nervous.
665
00:36:19,228 --> 00:36:21,308
Yeah. I feel sick.
666
00:36:21,308 --> 00:36:22,668
You've nothing to worry about.
667
00:36:22,668 --> 00:36:25,108
You're all professionals,
aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
668
00:36:25,108 --> 00:36:27,068
So just get out there
and do your thing.
669
00:36:27,068 --> 00:36:29,988
Yeah. I'm good. Show time.
Yeah. Break a leg.
670
00:36:31,468 --> 00:36:34,548
So it means, The Cheeky Boys,
you have a chance to steal.
671
00:36:34,548 --> 00:36:37,788
We're looking for a man
you'd go gay for. Chris?
672
00:36:37,788 --> 00:36:39,148
Er, Johnny Depp.
673
00:36:42,308 --> 00:36:44,388
OK, Shane?
674
00:36:44,388 --> 00:36:45,908
Brad Pitt.
675
00:36:47,268 --> 00:36:49,428
I think we've already had Brad Pitt.
676
00:36:49,428 --> 00:36:52,268
Do you know the rules of the game?
I like Brad Pitt.
677
00:36:54,268 --> 00:36:57,628
So he's going to get shagged twice
then, basically, Brad.
678
00:37:07,988 --> 00:37:10,068
♪ A dancer for money
679
00:37:10,068 --> 00:37:12,908
♪ Do what you want me to do
680
00:37:12,908 --> 00:37:15,828
♪ I'm your private dancer
681
00:37:15,828 --> 00:37:18,508
♪ A dancer for money
682
00:37:18,508 --> 00:37:22,068
♪ Any old music will do... ♪
683
00:37:47,028 --> 00:37:50,028
But you've got to have respect for
the older generation, haven't you?
684
00:37:50,028 --> 00:37:52,348
Totally agree. You know,
I mean, they won the war for us.
685
00:37:52,348 --> 00:37:55,228
Definitely. Let's have a cheer
for the older generation. Hip-hip!
686
00:37:55,228 --> 00:37:56,388
Replacement.
687
00:37:58,668 --> 00:38:00,788
OK, ladies and gentlemen,
it's now that time.
688
00:38:00,788 --> 00:38:03,708
We'd like to invite you
to take part in the iconic game
689
00:38:03,708 --> 00:38:05,028
of Cheggers Plays Pop.
690
00:38:05,028 --> 00:38:08,348
So would you like to welcome back
to the stage the fabulous,
691
00:38:08,348 --> 00:38:11,428
the one and only, Mr Keith Chegwin!
692
00:38:15,628 --> 00:38:19,548
Cheggers Plays Cock!
Come on! Cheggers Plays Cock!
693
00:38:19,548 --> 00:38:23,948
Cheggers Plays Cock!
Cheggers Plays Cock!
694
00:38:23,948 --> 00:38:26,068
Sing it with me!
Cheggers Plays Cock!
695
00:38:26,068 --> 00:38:29,228
Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock!
696
00:38:29,228 --> 00:38:32,908
Cheggers Plays Cock! Look at that!
697
00:38:35,428 --> 00:38:37,988
Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock!
698
00:38:37,988 --> 00:38:40,588
Sing it with me!
699
00:38:40,588 --> 00:38:42,508
On your own! Cheggers Plays Cock!
700
00:38:46,868 --> 00:38:48,908
You fancy me, don't you?
701
00:38:48,908 --> 00:38:50,828
What the fuck was that?
702
00:38:50,828 --> 00:38:53,228
I panicked because the TV man
was in. He was in.
703
00:38:53,228 --> 00:38:56,588
I don't imagine he is now.
I'm sorry.
704
00:38:56,588 --> 00:39:00,628
I can't believe you got
your cock out. It's route one.
705
00:39:00,628 --> 00:39:04,588
It's so inane. This is a classy show.
What were you thinking?
706
00:39:04,588 --> 00:39:07,148
It's what I do, it's what I am.
707
00:39:07,148 --> 00:39:10,108
You can sing and you do impressions.
An impression.
708
00:39:10,108 --> 00:39:12,148
What can I do?
709
00:39:13,668 --> 00:39:18,508
I'm just a loud-mouthed alcoholic
Scouser with a squeaky voice
710
00:39:18,508 --> 00:39:22,308
and in Liverpool that's not
even considered weird.
711
00:39:22,308 --> 00:39:25,148
This was our last fucking
chance and you blew it.
712
00:39:26,828 --> 00:39:28,788
Hello? It's Paul.
713
00:39:31,428 --> 00:39:35,428
You are mad! You are absolutely mad.
714
00:39:35,428 --> 00:39:37,508
I just loved the cock out, mate.
715
00:39:37,508 --> 00:39:40,148
I loved the cock out.
It's fucking brilliant.
716
00:39:40,148 --> 00:39:43,108
It's incredible, we've got to get
you on ITV2, I can see it.
717
00:39:43,108 --> 00:39:47,188
Oh, talk about a Twitter trend.
Hashtag CheggersPlaysCock.
718
00:39:48,188 --> 00:39:49,988
It's going to be huge.
719
00:39:49,988 --> 00:39:52,068
The first time
my cock's ever been huge.
720
00:39:52,068 --> 00:39:55,028
That's it, that's it.
It's just more of that.
721
00:39:55,028 --> 00:39:56,988
More of that stuff.
Oh, man. I love it.
722
00:39:56,988 --> 00:40:00,068
I love the show, you know.
It's naughty, it's irreverent.
723
00:40:00,068 --> 00:40:02,628
I love the way you're taking
the piss out of, you know,
724
00:40:02,628 --> 00:40:05,308
rubbish, old-fashioned singing.
These terrible, lame jokes.
725
00:40:05,308 --> 00:40:07,388
It's just so ironic.
726
00:40:07,388 --> 00:40:11,628
But, Keith, man, dude, it's got
to be centre stage for you.
727
00:40:11,628 --> 00:40:14,148
Yeah? No, the show's
really the three of us.
728
00:40:14,148 --> 00:40:15,428
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
729
00:40:15,428 --> 00:40:19,348
But, Keith, Keith, when you got
the cock out, just stole the show.
730
00:40:19,348 --> 00:40:22,108
You know, it was the show. I just
want to see you on television.
731
00:40:22,108 --> 00:40:25,188
I want to see you online.
I can see you going viral.
732
00:40:25,188 --> 00:40:27,548
I've still got
the penicillin from last time.
733
00:40:27,548 --> 00:40:29,148
Yeah, you have, haven't you?
734
00:40:29,148 --> 00:40:31,108
That's not really a joke.
735
00:40:31,108 --> 00:40:32,988
It's so shit, it's good.
736
00:40:32,988 --> 00:40:34,588
I don't know how you do it.
737
00:40:34,588 --> 00:40:36,748
He's a genius. He is a genius.
738
00:40:36,748 --> 00:40:39,428
He is, I mean shit, but it's
genius in a weird way, yeah.
739
00:40:39,428 --> 00:40:42,708
Fantastic. Yeah, it's good.
Well, we'll talk, yeah?
740
00:40:42,708 --> 00:40:45,868
Good. Thank you very much indeed,
Paul. Cheers.
741
00:40:53,988 --> 00:40:55,548
Just as we get a chance at TV,
742
00:40:55,548 --> 00:40:58,108
the boys have had
a little clash of egos.
743
00:40:58,108 --> 00:41:01,228
There seems to be some jealousy
over who's centre stage,
744
00:41:01,228 --> 00:41:04,948
which is why I brought in my
spiritual counsellor, Bryan Medici.
745
00:41:08,308 --> 00:41:12,748
I'm here to say to the lads, "Look,
you've got a good thing going here,
746
00:41:12,748 --> 00:41:15,628
"don't ruin it
because of petty squabbles."
747
00:41:15,628 --> 00:41:17,868
This is a safe environment,
748
00:41:17,868 --> 00:41:21,588
where we can share our gripes
and grievances,
749
00:41:21,588 --> 00:41:25,548
clear the air and move on.
750
00:41:25,548 --> 00:41:27,228
Shaun, what bothers you about Les?
751
00:41:31,028 --> 00:41:33,468
I hate how me and Keith have
to cover up all the mirrors
752
00:41:33,468 --> 00:41:36,148
in every hotel room with towels
because Les can't stand
753
00:41:36,148 --> 00:41:38,988
to see his own reflection.
And why does that bother you?
754
00:41:38,988 --> 00:41:42,268
Because I need a mirror. I've got
to check on me hair transplant,
755
00:41:42,268 --> 00:41:44,548
to make sure it hasn't died
or withered or receded.
756
00:41:44,548 --> 00:41:47,708
I don't want them islands, you know,
because that's a dead giveaway.
757
00:41:47,708 --> 00:41:52,508
It is a giveaway. Les, what have
you got to say about that?
758
00:41:52,508 --> 00:41:55,708
I've told them, when I leave the
room, they can pull the towel
759
00:41:55,708 --> 00:41:58,388
back from the mirror
and look at themselves then.
760
00:41:58,388 --> 00:42:01,028
I don't always want to wait
until you leave the room!
761
00:42:01,028 --> 00:42:02,708
Oi, calm down!
762
00:42:05,028 --> 00:42:07,868
Les, why don't you like
looking at yourself?
763
00:42:07,868 --> 00:42:11,828
When I look at myself,
I see my eyes.
764
00:42:11,828 --> 00:42:15,908
And they're the eyes of a child,
an innocent child,
765
00:42:15,908 --> 00:42:20,508
but they're trapped in this withered
body that has seen so much
766
00:42:20,508 --> 00:42:25,508
and knows the ugly truth
of the world, and I feel sad.
767
00:42:25,508 --> 00:42:32,028
Les, Les, your withered little body
is not something to be sad about,
768
00:42:32,028 --> 00:42:35,748
because there is such wisdom within.
769
00:42:35,748 --> 00:42:36,788
Like Yoda?
770
00:42:36,788 --> 00:42:41,588
Yes, thank you, Warwick, yes.
You're like Yoda.
771
00:42:41,588 --> 00:42:47,188
A wrinkled little thing,
childlike but old and wise!
772
00:42:48,228 --> 00:42:50,828
Everybody loves Yoda!
773
00:42:50,828 --> 00:42:54,388
And when Yoda says,
"Knowledge have I,"
774
00:42:54,388 --> 00:42:57,948
people don't go, "Shut your stupid
useless little head
775
00:42:57,948 --> 00:43:03,028
"or I'll kick you over,
you Scouse little fucker!"
776
00:43:03,028 --> 00:43:08,028
They say, "Thank you, Yoda,
you wise thing."
777
00:43:08,028 --> 00:43:11,428
Do you see? Yeah.
778
00:43:11,428 --> 00:43:15,268
If you take one of my classes
and you look at what I'm doing
779
00:43:15,268 --> 00:43:21,308
and you pull apart my exercises and
you go, "Oh, does any of this work?
780
00:43:21,308 --> 00:43:26,748
"Does any of it achieve anything?"
I'd say, "No. It doesn't.
781
00:43:26,748 --> 00:43:30,308
"But it does."
782
00:43:30,308 --> 00:43:34,028
Now, Les,
what bothers you about Keith?
783
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,988
When I'm with Keith
and we pass an open window,
784
00:43:36,988 --> 00:43:40,228
I sometimes get the feeling that he
might try and throw himself out
785
00:43:40,228 --> 00:43:42,748
and deliberately land on a mother
and her child.
786
00:43:42,748 --> 00:43:44,508
Thanks very much for that, Les,
787
00:43:44,508 --> 00:43:47,228
because I told you that
in absolute confidence.
788
00:43:47,228 --> 00:43:51,228
Keith, Keith, do you sometimes
have thoughts like this?
789
00:43:51,228 --> 00:43:55,148
Yes. But that's
one of the nicer thoughts I have.
790
00:43:55,148 --> 00:43:59,468
Because when I go quiet, you don't
want to know what I'm thinking.
791
00:44:04,788 --> 00:44:08,548
And, Keith,
what bothers you about Shaun?
792
00:44:08,548 --> 00:44:11,428
I hate the way
he tries to rule our lives.
793
00:44:11,428 --> 00:44:13,508
He's like a bloody mother hen.
794
00:44:13,508 --> 00:44:17,428
"Oh, Keith, Keith, you've eaten
nothing but crisps all day." I know!
795
00:44:17,428 --> 00:44:20,188
"Oh, Keith, there's a piss stain
on your trousers." I know.
796
00:44:20,188 --> 00:44:22,508
Do you know what I see?
797
00:44:22,508 --> 00:44:28,028
I see three people that love
each other very, very much.
798
00:44:28,028 --> 00:44:31,588
Because if you didn't, you wouldn't
care so much. Am I right?
799
00:44:31,588 --> 00:44:33,308
That is true, Keith.
800
00:44:33,308 --> 00:44:36,508
I mean, there's not many people
like Shaun who'd be prepared
801
00:44:36,508 --> 00:44:39,428
to stand with a hairdryer
over your crotch for half an hour
802
00:44:39,428 --> 00:44:41,148
before you have to go to a funeral.
803
00:44:41,148 --> 00:44:43,388
Yeah, yeah. I suppose you're right.
804
00:44:43,388 --> 00:44:46,828
But why did it take half an hour?
It wasn't drying.
805
00:44:46,828 --> 00:44:50,788
Because I was pissing while he was
drying, because he was annoying me.
806
00:44:50,788 --> 00:44:53,588
Every time he thought it was dry,
I topped it up a bit.
807
00:44:56,628 --> 00:44:59,428
If you talk to me about science,
I'll slap you.
808
00:44:59,428 --> 00:45:01,188
And we're jumping!
809
00:45:01,188 --> 00:45:06,348
If you talk to me about atheism,
agnosticism, hatred,
810
00:45:06,348 --> 00:45:09,468
I'll kick you in the balls and you
can get straight out of my class.
811
00:45:09,468 --> 00:45:11,588
I'll take your cash,
but you're gone.
812
00:45:15,588 --> 00:45:18,508
What do you see?
813
00:45:18,508 --> 00:45:21,908
I don't really know!
814
00:45:21,908 --> 00:45:23,948
He's back!
815
00:45:23,948 --> 00:45:29,668
If you come to see me, if you trust
me, I will take all that bad stuff.
816
00:45:29,668 --> 00:45:32,148
I'll suck it out of you,
817
00:45:32,148 --> 00:45:36,908
your filth, then you can look at it
and you can go,
818
00:45:36,908 --> 00:45:40,988
"Oh, dear,
I was a real nasty little shit."
819
00:45:40,988 --> 00:45:42,628
We're climbing up the tower.
820
00:45:42,628 --> 00:45:45,028
And I met Bryan Medici,
walking on water.
821
00:45:45,028 --> 00:45:47,428
Everyone together.
Warwick, get in.
822
00:45:47,428 --> 00:45:50,548
Come on, come on, Warwick.
823
00:45:50,548 --> 00:45:52,108
Get in. How do we feel, kids?
824
00:45:52,108 --> 00:45:55,068
Good. Good? Excellent.
825
00:46:05,388 --> 00:46:07,228
So I've been doing
some digging around
826
00:46:07,228 --> 00:46:09,828
and I managed to get through
to Ron Howard on the phone.
827
00:46:09,828 --> 00:46:12,508
His assistant must've taken her eye
off the ball there.
828
00:46:12,508 --> 00:46:14,748
To be fair,
I called from a pay-phone,
829
00:46:14,748 --> 00:46:17,908
so she didn't recognise my number
and she picked up.
830
00:46:17,908 --> 00:46:21,308
Hello? Hello, is that Ron Howard's
office? Yeah, it's Warwick Davis.
831
00:46:21,308 --> 00:46:24,108
Anyway, I spoke to Ron
832
00:46:24,108 --> 00:46:27,348
and he said he hasn't heard
anything about Willow 2.
833
00:46:27,348 --> 00:46:29,788
In fact,
he said he wouldn't work with me
834
00:46:29,788 --> 00:46:32,948
or Val ever again, which makes
sense because I remember him
835
00:46:32,948 --> 00:46:35,268
saying that after the first Willow.
836
00:46:46,468 --> 00:46:51,668
Hey, Warwick! Come on in.
Thank you.
837
00:46:51,668 --> 00:46:54,948
Look at this, spaghetti
bolognese, but real posh now.
838
00:46:54,948 --> 00:46:57,668
Do you know wine? I don't, no.
839
00:46:57,668 --> 00:47:00,668
Look at this,
the most expensive on the menu.
840
00:47:02,428 --> 00:47:04,788
Nice!
841
00:47:04,788 --> 00:47:07,908
Listen, Val, we're friends,
842
00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:11,508
so I don't really know
how to broach this but...
843
00:47:11,508 --> 00:47:13,468
is Willow 2 happening?
844
00:47:15,868 --> 00:47:17,748
OK. Let's...
845
00:47:20,628 --> 00:47:23,268
..come back to that.
What's your next question?
846
00:47:23,268 --> 00:47:26,428
Is Willow 2 something that
might get made? Thank you.
847
00:47:26,428 --> 00:47:30,108
Request from Warwick Davis
re Willow 2.
848
00:47:30,108 --> 00:47:32,828
Find out - is it happening?
849
00:47:34,308 --> 00:47:37,028
Are you actually in talks
with George Lucas?
850
00:47:37,028 --> 00:47:39,188
Wait, who are you talking to?
851
00:47:39,188 --> 00:47:40,388
To you.
852
00:47:40,388 --> 00:47:42,508
OK, there's a lot going on here.
853
00:47:42,508 --> 00:47:46,188
I mean, there's words
going into the Dictaphone,
854
00:47:46,188 --> 00:47:48,788
and then you're saying
a lot of names.
855
00:47:48,788 --> 00:47:52,268
Please, just try to focus, Willow.
856
00:47:52,268 --> 00:47:53,628
One question at a time.
857
00:47:53,628 --> 00:47:57,068
You told me that you'd been
in talks with George Lucas.
858
00:47:57,068 --> 00:47:59,468
Let's not focus on the past.
You keep doing that.
859
00:47:59,468 --> 00:48:01,548
Let's, let's talk about the future.
860
00:48:02,708 --> 00:48:04,828
Have you spoken to George?
861
00:48:04,828 --> 00:48:06,908
In the future, yes, I will.
862
00:48:08,708 --> 00:48:11,548
You led me to believe that
Ron Howard was attached.
863
00:48:11,548 --> 00:48:15,788
Well, you can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink.
864
00:48:15,788 --> 00:48:19,268
You gave me the impression
from what you said
865
00:48:19,268 --> 00:48:21,348
that George and Ron
were both on board.
866
00:48:21,348 --> 00:48:23,468
Was I wrong to take
that impression from you?
867
00:48:23,468 --> 00:48:25,868
Well, in the sense that they were
involved, you were,
868
00:48:25,868 --> 00:48:28,908
but not in the sense that I said it.
I did say that. Absolutely true.
869
00:48:28,908 --> 00:48:30,988
Well, you said it,
but there's no truth to it?
870
00:48:30,988 --> 00:48:33,828
Should I be held accountable
for every single thing I say,
871
00:48:33,828 --> 00:48:36,868
as if it's the truth?
Because I am an actor,
872
00:48:36,868 --> 00:48:41,028
so most of the things I say -
made up.
873
00:48:41,028 --> 00:48:44,468
Clear your mind.
Close your eyes. Look at me.
874
00:48:45,708 --> 00:48:48,308
What is reality? What is fantasy?
875
00:48:48,308 --> 00:48:50,788
Because Willow 2 is a fantasy.
876
00:48:50,788 --> 00:48:52,308
It's a, it's a fantasy film.
877
00:48:52,308 --> 00:48:55,308
Is us making Willow 2 a reality?
878
00:48:55,308 --> 00:48:58,588
Hmm. I shouldn't think so.
Willow original wasn't that good.
879
00:48:58,588 --> 00:49:01,188
What was all that stuff
about development money?
880
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:03,948
What were you hoping to do?
Embezzle it.
881
00:49:03,948 --> 00:49:07,148
Yeah, and get away scott free, but
you've scuttled that, haven't you?
882
00:49:07,148 --> 00:49:09,468
Can I have the £5,000 back
I gave you?
883
00:49:09,468 --> 00:49:11,908
No, you may not, steamy.
I've spent it.
884
00:49:11,908 --> 00:49:13,628
On what?
885
00:49:13,628 --> 00:49:17,628
Frittered it away
on nonsense mostly.
886
00:49:17,628 --> 00:49:20,908
I'm having a Bat Belt made.
It cost £900.
887
00:49:20,908 --> 00:49:22,748
It's got all these new pockets.
888
00:49:22,748 --> 00:49:25,828
It's got a pocket for the iPad,
a pocket for the iPhone,
889
00:49:25,828 --> 00:49:27,428
I could get a pocket for you.
890
00:49:27,428 --> 00:49:29,748
When you're ready, sir.
Good, thank you.
891
00:49:29,748 --> 00:49:34,268
Um, oh! Is there a problem?
No, I... Do you know who I am?
892
00:49:34,268 --> 00:49:36,628
Er... Val Kilmer.
893
00:49:36,628 --> 00:49:39,548
Yes, sir, yeah.
See this watch?
894
00:49:39,548 --> 00:49:43,748
It's worth thousands of dollars,
as far as you know.
895
00:49:43,748 --> 00:49:47,348
What do you say we take it off
my wrist and put it on your wrist,
896
00:49:47,348 --> 00:49:50,668
we tear up the bill? No, I can't
accept your watch, sir, no.
897
00:49:50,668 --> 00:49:53,828
No? No. So you want cash? Good.
898
00:49:53,828 --> 00:49:58,428
I'm just going to go out
to my car and get my wallet, OK?
899
00:49:58,428 --> 00:50:00,108
OK.
900
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,908
He's not coming back. What?
He's not coming back.
901
00:50:23,908 --> 00:50:26,948
Val Kilmer's done a runner
and we've both fallen for it.
902
00:50:26,948 --> 00:50:29,628
Well, then you're going to have
to... Pay the bill, yeah.
903
00:50:29,628 --> 00:50:32,468
Course I am.
Didn't even eat anything.
904
00:50:46,308 --> 00:50:48,988
To cut a long story short,
it was a con.
905
00:50:48,988 --> 00:50:52,108
So can you tell Ian I'll pay
you both back as soon as I can?
906
00:50:52,108 --> 00:50:55,268
It wasn't Ian's money. It was mine.
907
00:50:55,268 --> 00:50:58,588
I'm even more sorry then
because you've wasted your money.
908
00:50:58,588 --> 00:51:00,348
There was no film to invest in.
909
00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:02,388
Oh, I wasn't investing in a film,
Warwick.
910
00:51:02,388 --> 00:51:03,988
You know I was investing in you.
911
00:51:06,028 --> 00:51:07,228
Thanks.
912
00:51:11,148 --> 00:51:13,908
It's not the money I've lost.
913
00:51:13,908 --> 00:51:17,308
It's not even that the film
isn't happening.
914
00:51:17,308 --> 00:51:18,948
It's that I feel stupid.
915
00:51:18,948 --> 00:51:22,508
I just feel like a total fool.
916
00:51:22,508 --> 00:51:25,788
Luckily I'm going to be busy
with Keith and Les and Shaun
917
00:51:25,788 --> 00:51:29,468
and the gigs and the TV show
and whatever.
918
00:51:29,468 --> 00:51:33,388
We're off on the road again soon.
Oh, here's my chauffeur.
919
00:51:36,788 --> 00:51:39,308
I wish. Maybe one day.
920
00:51:39,308 --> 00:51:42,428
You've got to stay optimistic.
921
00:51:50,828 --> 00:51:53,268
All right. Who was that?
922
00:51:53,268 --> 00:51:56,588
That's Jonathan Kavanagh,
he's a big talent agent,
923
00:51:56,588 --> 00:51:58,468
he represents a lot of the big names.
924
00:51:58,468 --> 00:52:01,868
Yeah, I know who he is. We've had
a couple of meetings with him
925
00:52:01,868 --> 00:52:05,268
and basically he's going to take us
to the next level.
926
00:52:05,268 --> 00:52:06,628
I don't understand.
927
00:52:06,628 --> 00:52:08,708
Well, he's booked us
a proper UK tour.
928
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,588
You know, with good venues
and press, PR and everything.
929
00:52:11,588 --> 00:52:13,148
How do I fit in?
930
00:52:13,148 --> 00:52:14,668
Well, that's what we're saying.
931
00:52:14,668 --> 00:52:17,988
We can't give away
two lots of 20%.
932
00:52:17,988 --> 00:52:21,348
Are you firing me?
No, it's not firing, is it?
933
00:52:21,348 --> 00:52:23,148
Because we've done this stage of it
934
00:52:23,148 --> 00:52:25,388
and you've been paid
for everything so far.
935
00:52:25,388 --> 00:52:26,988
What are you not happy
about with me?
936
00:52:26,988 --> 00:52:29,268
No, it's nothing to do with you,
Warwick.
937
00:52:29,268 --> 00:52:31,708
No, it's our last bite
of the cherry.
938
00:52:31,708 --> 00:52:33,348
We have to do what's best for us.
939
00:52:33,348 --> 00:52:36,028
We can't turn it down.
It's a huge chance.
940
00:52:36,028 --> 00:52:38,188
Hang on, I got you the TV offer.
941
00:52:38,188 --> 00:52:41,028
We're not going with that.
942
00:52:41,028 --> 00:52:44,268
Jonathan's got us
a bigger and better deal with ITV1.
943
00:52:44,268 --> 00:52:46,468
You weren't even working
as a team before me.
944
00:52:46,468 --> 00:52:48,708
None of this existed.
I put the act together.
945
00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:51,468
What did you put together? I've been
doing those jokes for years.
946
00:52:51,468 --> 00:52:55,468
There's not a single original
idea in the whole act, mate.
947
00:52:55,468 --> 00:52:57,348
But we're friends, aren't we?
948
00:52:58,668 --> 00:53:00,068
It's business, Warwick.
949
00:53:01,868 --> 00:53:04,068
We need to get going.
950
00:53:50,188 --> 00:53:52,148
I can't do it anymore.
951
00:53:52,148 --> 00:53:56,788
It's knockback after knockback
and it's just not worth it.
952
00:53:58,668 --> 00:54:00,948
I'm going to pack it all in.
Everything?
953
00:54:00,948 --> 00:54:04,828
Everything. The agency,
showbiz, acting.
954
00:54:06,068 --> 00:54:10,068
I've been doing it since I was a kid
and it's just not making me happy.
955
00:54:12,108 --> 00:54:13,868
Are you sure?
956
00:54:13,868 --> 00:54:15,428
Yeah.
957
00:54:15,428 --> 00:54:18,148
I think I've been clinging
onto fame or whatever
958
00:54:18,148 --> 00:54:21,508
because people have always
looked at me and I thought
959
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:24,868
I'd rather they look at me because
they've seen me in a film,
960
00:54:24,868 --> 00:54:27,508
not just because I'm small.
961
00:54:47,828 --> 00:54:52,508
Guys, thanks for coming down.
Um, I've got some bad news.
962
00:54:55,028 --> 00:54:56,948
Willow 2 is not happening.
963
00:54:56,948 --> 00:54:58,788
I know, I'm so sorry.
964
00:54:58,788 --> 00:55:04,388
And on top of that, I'm giving up.
965
00:55:04,388 --> 00:55:08,388
Yeah, I'm closing the agency.
I'm afraid you're on your own.
966
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:12,788
What do you mean?
What are we going to do?
967
00:55:12,788 --> 00:55:15,468
I was never any good for you.
968
00:55:15,468 --> 00:55:18,468
I used to nick all your roles,
I exploited you.
969
00:55:18,468 --> 00:55:20,548
We're always going
to be exploited, Warwick.
970
00:55:20,548 --> 00:55:23,828
We've been exploited all our lives,
but if we're going to be exploited,
971
00:55:23,828 --> 00:55:26,228
let's at least be exploited
by another dwarf.
972
00:55:26,228 --> 00:55:28,868
You shouldn't let yourselves
be exploited.
973
00:55:28,868 --> 00:55:31,908
If you want something, take the bull
by the horns and go for it.
974
00:55:31,908 --> 00:55:34,508
That's what you did and now
you're saying you're giving up.
975
00:55:34,508 --> 00:55:37,068
You're ambitious, you're smart.
976
00:55:37,068 --> 00:55:39,628
If you can't succeed,
what chance have we got?
977
00:55:40,748 --> 00:55:43,068
What do you want me to do?
978
00:55:43,068 --> 00:55:45,308
I want you to carry on as we are.
979
00:55:45,308 --> 00:55:47,788
You represent us,
we'll struggle on blindly,
980
00:55:47,788 --> 00:55:52,068
never getting anywhere and die
before we realise we never made it.
981
00:55:52,068 --> 00:55:55,108
Who wants to struggle on blindly,
never getting anywhere,
982
00:55:55,108 --> 00:55:57,908
and die before they realise
it was all a waste of time?
983
00:56:12,788 --> 00:56:15,388
Well, let's struggle on blindly
then.
984
00:56:15,388 --> 00:56:17,028
Yes!
985
00:56:17,028 --> 00:56:18,988
Cheryl, go and get some champagne.
986
00:56:18,988 --> 00:56:21,628
Take some money out the petty cash.
There is no petty cash.
987
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:25,588
No, right. Well, forget that,
I can't afford champagne.
988
00:56:25,588 --> 00:56:27,868
Whip round! Yeah.
989
00:56:36,308 --> 00:56:40,588
If what they want is blind hope,
I can give them that.
990
00:56:40,588 --> 00:56:42,748
If they want someone
working for them who will try,
991
00:56:42,748 --> 00:56:45,468
but probably fail,
then they've come to the right man.
992
00:56:45,468 --> 00:56:52,308
No seriously. I'm going to work
hard for them, and for me.
993
00:57:04,748 --> 00:57:06,708
Cheers, chaps!
994
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:45,200
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
995
00:57:48,269 --> 00:57:50,149
Are you still pissing?
996
00:57:50,149 --> 00:57:51,549
No.
997
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:55,084
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
998
00:57:55,134 --> 00:57:59,684
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
79876
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
