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1
00:00:03,015 --> 00:00:07,578
We're here to meet my wife. Ex-wife.
And her lawyer. Stroke lover.
2
00:00:09,302 --> 00:00:12,101
We're here to discuss
the divorce settlement,
3
00:00:12,102 --> 00:00:14,701
so it'll be interesting to see what
they bring to the table.
4
00:00:14,702 --> 00:00:16,422
They've probably done it
on the table.
5
00:00:16,423 --> 00:00:18,262
DOOR OPENS
6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
7
00:00:24,582 --> 00:00:25,702
Come through, gents? Yeah.
8
00:00:27,182 --> 00:00:29,182
THEY WHISPER
9
00:00:30,622 --> 00:00:34,501
If they've done it on any table,
it's probably this one. Very sturdy.
10
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,502
Will you just...?
11
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,861
OK, having taken
everything into consideration,
12
00:00:37,862 --> 00:00:39,741
this is our initial proposal.
13
00:00:39,742 --> 00:00:41,422
Will you just...?
14
00:00:43,582 --> 00:00:44,702
Will you...?
15
00:00:46,382 --> 00:00:47,702
Little arms!
16
00:00:51,902 --> 00:00:53,942
Just lightening the mood.
17
00:00:56,102 --> 00:00:59,421
I see, yes,
basically half of everything.
18
00:00:59,422 --> 00:01:01,181
Let's have a look.
19
00:01:01,182 --> 00:01:02,942
Don't be so fucking childish!
20
00:01:04,142 --> 00:01:05,302
Get off.
21
00:01:06,462 --> 00:01:07,982
I'm the fucking solicitor!
22
00:01:09,942 --> 00:01:12,101
And I'm the client.
Such a fucking idiot!
23
00:01:12,102 --> 00:01:13,502
Give me the fucking paper!
24
00:01:16,022 --> 00:01:19,502
So stupid! Oh, no!
25
00:01:25,862 --> 00:01:28,261
What a fucking idiot!
26
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:31,382
It was the wrong time for comedy,
I know that now. You...!
27
00:01:52,222 --> 00:01:54,301
Hello? Yeah, I'm trying to find out
28
00:01:54,302 --> 00:01:56,781
when my new washing machine's
going to be here.
29
00:01:56,782 --> 00:02:00,621
Today, I'm putting my house in order
30
00:02:00,622 --> 00:02:03,701
and getting the spy hole
moved down a bit, there.
31
00:02:03,702 --> 00:02:06,421
How high do you want it?
Just so I can look through it.
32
00:02:06,422 --> 00:02:09,941
Yeah, getting everything ready in the
flat for the big party next Saturday.
33
00:02:09,942 --> 00:02:13,821
Just waiting to find out where my new
washing machine is as well.
34
00:02:13,822 --> 00:02:15,341
The party...
35
00:02:15,342 --> 00:02:18,461
in a way is not only
a belated house warming,
36
00:02:18,462 --> 00:02:23,341
but it's also a gift to myself,
to say, "Well done, Warwick,
37
00:02:23,342 --> 00:02:26,102
"for struggling through the tough
times with a smile on your face."
38
00:02:28,422 --> 00:02:29,981
'Also, I met a lovely girl, Amy.'
39
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:32,301
What can I say?
40
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:33,821
'Yeah, she's terrific.'
41
00:02:33,822 --> 00:02:35,421
Those are for you. Oh, thanks.
42
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:36,862
'Our second date didn't go so well,
43
00:02:36,863 --> 00:02:40,221
'so I've invited her as a chance
to make things up to her.'
44
00:02:40,222 --> 00:02:45,701
Will you come? Yeah, all right. I'll
see you then. That's great, thanks.
45
00:02:45,702 --> 00:02:46,941
See ya. Bye.
46
00:02:46,942 --> 00:02:50,101
'Of course, I will be inviting
all my showbiz friends,
47
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:52,222
'so it should be quite
a starry affair.'
48
00:02:53,982 --> 00:02:56,581
And this may surprise you,
but I've invited Sue as well,
49
00:02:56,582 --> 00:02:59,261
cos I wanted to say to her,
"Yeah, even though you're suing me
50
00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:02,461
"for divorce, there's no reason why
we still can't be friends."
51
00:03:02,462 --> 00:03:05,541
Here's an invitation.
You're invited to Warwick's Castle.
52
00:03:05,542 --> 00:03:07,462
An Englishman's home is his castle.
53
00:03:07,463 --> 00:03:10,901
My name's Warwick Davis,
Warwick's Castle. See what I've done?
54
00:03:10,902 --> 00:03:12,941
'And I've invited her new guy, just
to say,
55
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,981
'"Fine, you're with my wife now, I'm
bigger than that, I don't care."'
56
00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:18,821
Did you take the photograph?
Not of the castle, no.
57
00:03:18,822 --> 00:03:21,501
Right, well, technically, that's
an infringement of copyright law.
58
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,302
You need to consult
the photographer.
59
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,941
It's just an invitation.
60
00:03:24,942 --> 00:03:27,501
And actually, I should warn you, Ian,
there will be a lot of
61
00:03:27,502 --> 00:03:31,941
famous celebrities there from the
world of film and TV.
62
00:03:31,942 --> 00:03:34,380
Sue's used to it, from all
the years that we were together,
63
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,262
all the showbiz parties
she's been to.
64
00:03:36,263 --> 00:03:38,741
Yeah, I don't want you to panic
and clam up,
65
00:03:38,742 --> 00:03:39,982
just cos they're famous.
66
00:03:39,983 --> 00:03:42,541
Well, I won't, because I probably
won't know who they are.
67
00:03:42,542 --> 00:03:45,462
Oh, yeah, you'll know
who these people are, trust me.
68
00:03:47,582 --> 00:03:49,581
Just inviting people
to the big party.
69
00:03:49,582 --> 00:03:52,021
Working my way
through my database of A-listers.
70
00:03:52,022 --> 00:03:54,741
Start with the big boys.
Mr Ewan McGregor.
71
00:03:54,742 --> 00:03:59,101
We worked together on Star Wars
Episode One The Phantom Menace.
72
00:03:59,102 --> 00:04:02,461
Got to hang out a lot together.
Bloody lovely bloke.
73
00:04:02,462 --> 00:04:05,902
We were like old friends within
a week, and we exchanged numbers.
74
00:04:07,222 --> 00:04:09,181
That's dead.
75
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:12,981
Let's try some of the Harry Potter
gang. No shortage of big names there.
76
00:04:12,982 --> 00:04:16,062
Mr Daniel Radcliffe?
Mr Warwick Davis.
77
00:04:17,342 --> 00:04:19,061
The dwarf indeed, yeah.
78
00:04:19,062 --> 00:04:21,222
Would you like to come
to a party next Saturday?
79
00:04:22,342 --> 00:04:23,382
My party.
80
00:04:24,862 --> 00:04:26,141
Hello?
81
00:04:26,142 --> 00:04:27,182
He's gone.
82
00:04:28,182 --> 00:04:30,662
There's no way he could have
come at that short notice, I mean...
83
00:04:30,663 --> 00:04:32,941
And by the sound of his voice,
he was gutted.
84
00:04:32,942 --> 00:04:36,782
Miss Emma Watson.
Emma? Warwick Davis.
85
00:04:38,062 --> 00:04:40,741
Warwick Davis from Harry Potter?
You know, Professor Flit...
86
00:04:40,742 --> 00:04:42,261
Yeah, the dwarf, yeah.
87
00:04:42,262 --> 00:04:45,342
Would you like to come
to a party next Saturday?
88
00:04:47,102 --> 00:04:50,302
No, there's no appearance fee. Hello?
89
00:04:51,742 --> 00:04:53,621
She's gone.
90
00:04:53,622 --> 00:04:56,062
That's it, way too busy,
her and Daniel, you see.
91
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:59,061
That's what happens.
When you're in demand, you just have
92
00:04:59,062 --> 00:05:01,221
to pick up the phone and,
and then answer
93
00:05:01,222 --> 00:05:04,221
and then just hang up,
even if it seems rude.
94
00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:06,701
PHONE RINGS
95
00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:09,061
Grint.
96
00:05:09,062 --> 00:05:11,101
What's Grint?
97
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,381
Oh, it's Rupert Grint. You know,
the ginger one from Harry Potter?
98
00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:16,341
What does he want?
99
00:05:16,342 --> 00:05:17,422
Hello, Rupert.
100
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,661
Party?
101
00:05:21,662 --> 00:05:23,622
No, I'm not having a party, no.
102
00:05:24,902 --> 00:05:28,101
Sorry, Rupe, hang on, I just think,
I've just seen a...
103
00:05:28,102 --> 00:05:33,101
a small fire has erupted in my flat
and, yeah, I'm going to have to go.
104
00:05:33,102 --> 00:05:35,981
Yes, all right, cheers, bye. Bye.
105
00:05:35,982 --> 00:05:37,421
Oh.
106
00:05:37,422 --> 00:05:40,941
Oh, I mean, I feel bad. I mean,
he's a lovely bloke and all that,
107
00:05:40,942 --> 00:05:42,662
but you don't want Grint
at your party.
108
00:05:42,663 --> 00:05:45,182
That's very good. Oh. Look at that.
109
00:05:46,582 --> 00:05:50,461
And, look, it's all filled in up
there as well. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
110
00:05:50,462 --> 00:05:53,461
Great. OK, let's give it a dry run.
You go outside and ring the bell.
111
00:05:53,462 --> 00:05:55,022
All right. That's it.
112
00:05:58,622 --> 00:06:00,182
DOORBELL RINGS
113
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:03,461
Oh.
114
00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:04,822
I can only see the groin.
115
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,061
I can only see your groin.
It's no good.
116
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,701
I wondered why you wanted it
down there.
117
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:12,261
Well, so I could look through it.
Yeah, but you can only see groins.
118
00:06:12,262 --> 00:06:14,261
I thought I'd be able to look up
and see faces.
119
00:06:14,262 --> 00:06:17,421
No, you can only see groins.
I know that now.
120
00:06:17,422 --> 00:06:19,822
Well, where do you want it then?
I want it where I can see faces.
121
00:06:19,823 --> 00:06:22,341
Higher up then? Yes.
122
00:06:22,342 --> 00:06:25,942
About where it was?
In a way, yes. OK.
123
00:06:35,382 --> 00:06:39,701
I've just moved into a new flat. Oh.
It's lovely. Oh, good.
124
00:06:39,702 --> 00:06:42,541
Going to have a bit of a showbiz bash
to mark the occasion.
125
00:06:42,542 --> 00:06:44,982
Don't know whether you guys
might like to come along?
126
00:06:44,983 --> 00:06:49,821
Er, when is it? It's this Saturday.
Oh, definitely not. No, I can't. No?
127
00:06:49,822 --> 00:06:52,501
I'm working at Great Ormond Street,
Saturday. It's in the evening.
128
00:06:52,502 --> 00:06:54,501
Yeah, in the evenings,
that's what I do,
129
00:06:54,502 --> 00:06:57,461
Saturday evenings,
I work at Great... Don't I?
130
00:06:57,462 --> 00:06:59,782
Yeah. He does, he does.
Steve's free, he doesn't...
131
00:06:59,783 --> 00:07:01,541
I'm not, actually.
132
00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:04,061
No, you've mis-remembered there.
I come down with you.
133
00:07:04,062 --> 00:07:06,022
I've remembered they don't want him
there,
134
00:07:06,023 --> 00:07:08,981
cos he turned up once and it scared
the children, the face. Not true.
135
00:07:08,982 --> 00:07:11,661
They said, "Don't ever bring that
goggle-eyed freak near me again."
136
00:07:11,662 --> 00:07:13,620
The kids would never say that.
What they said was,
137
00:07:13,621 --> 00:07:15,860
"It's that guy from The Tooth Fairy,
the kids film.
138
00:07:15,861 --> 00:07:17,342
"We love him being here."
139
00:07:17,343 --> 00:07:20,101
Which I saw and was terrified, so
please don't bring him in so...
140
00:07:20,102 --> 00:07:22,420
I've just remembered actually,
I just checked the diary,
141
00:07:22,421 --> 00:07:23,662
you're not going there.
142
00:07:23,663 --> 00:07:26,541
No, we both are. We are.
We're both going, so we can't come.
143
00:07:26,542 --> 00:07:29,181
It is a shame because, you know,
it's going to be a great evening.
144
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,821
Oh, never mind.
145
00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:34,782
But, you know, if your plans change,
you know, you're always welcome.
146
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:39,461
Door's always open.
One downstairs certainly is!
147
00:07:39,462 --> 00:07:41,222
See you later. Cheers. Cheers.
148
00:07:45,622 --> 00:07:47,382
Make sure he actually leaves
the building.
149
00:07:51,502 --> 00:07:56,702
How does he keep getting in? Yeah,
he's... Oh! What? It's Les Dennis.
150
00:07:59,302 --> 00:08:01,501
And he's brought Cheggers with him.
151
00:08:01,502 --> 00:08:02,942
DOORBELL BUZZES
152
00:08:11,062 --> 00:08:13,062
DOORBELL RINGS
153
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,742
Who is it? Washing machine.
At last. Push the door.
154
00:08:24,022 --> 00:08:25,382
Close the door.
155
00:08:29,222 --> 00:08:31,140
Look at that, some time between nine
and five.
156
00:08:31,141 --> 00:08:32,462
Thanks for being so prompt.
157
00:08:32,463 --> 00:08:35,102
Excuse me. Right, bring it over here.
158
00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:41,342
There we go.
159
00:08:44,662 --> 00:08:47,421
Hang on, where you going?
You haven't plumbed it in.
160
00:08:47,422 --> 00:08:48,740
No, we can't. Yes, you can.
161
00:08:48,741 --> 00:08:49,780
When I bought it,
162
00:08:49,781 --> 00:08:52,142
they said you'd take away the old one
and install the new one.
163
00:08:52,143 --> 00:08:54,701
I can't take away the old one,
cos it's still plumbed in.
164
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:58,541
Well, unplumb it then. We can't.
Can you plumb in the new one? Yeah.
165
00:08:58,542 --> 00:09:00,500
Well, then, it's the same,
but in reverse.
166
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,860
I'm not allowed to unplumb
anything. Company policy.
167
00:09:02,861 --> 00:09:04,780
What was I supposed to do?
Get a plumber round
168
00:09:04,781 --> 00:09:07,022
to unplumb the old one,
so you could plumb in the new one?
169
00:09:07,023 --> 00:09:10,581
Yeah. Well, that's madness!
Well, read the small print, mate.
170
00:09:10,582 --> 00:09:12,821
How much do you want to
unplumb the old one?
171
00:09:12,822 --> 00:09:15,661
We can't. We might damage something
and you could sue us.
172
00:09:15,662 --> 00:09:18,181
I promise, I won't sue you.
That's not legally binding.
173
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:20,582
I can't have two washing machines
cluttering up my kitchen.
174
00:09:20,583 --> 00:09:23,461
I'm having a party on Saturday.
I've got famous people coming.
175
00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:26,301
Are they bringing their laundry? No.
Don't worry about it then.
176
00:09:26,302 --> 00:09:27,502
Have your party Saturday,
177
00:09:27,503 --> 00:09:30,221
get that unplumbed Sunday, I'll be
back to plumb this one Monday.
178
00:09:30,222 --> 00:09:33,141
What? Some time between
nine and five?! Yeah.
179
00:09:33,142 --> 00:09:35,862
Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Thank you.
180
00:09:41,702 --> 00:09:43,022
How am I going to do this?
181
00:09:46,702 --> 00:09:50,661
Cheryl, where are you?
Can you get over here straightaway?
182
00:09:50,662 --> 00:09:52,941
It's a domestic emergency.
183
00:09:52,942 --> 00:09:55,222
No, I'm not trapped
in the bathroom again.
184
00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:02,101
OK. I've unplumbed it.
Simple, it's just a couple of tubes.
185
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,621
You make a good plumber,
186
00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:07,181
cos you could get in all the little
crevices like that, couldn't you?
187
00:10:07,182 --> 00:10:09,701
Yeah, I could, couldn't I?
188
00:10:09,702 --> 00:10:12,182
Something to think about when
the acting work dries up for you.
189
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:14,582
Why would you say that
in front of...?
190
00:10:17,782 --> 00:10:20,741
Right, that's done. Now,
we've just got to get it out. Um...
191
00:10:20,742 --> 00:10:23,502
I've got a sack truck downstairs,
I'll go down and get that.
192
00:10:54,182 --> 00:10:55,942
Here we go.
193
00:10:57,062 --> 00:10:59,502
Right, you go round behind
and tip it backwards.
194
00:11:02,022 --> 00:11:03,781
Right, tip it backwards.
195
00:11:03,782 --> 00:11:05,142
Yeah. There we go.
196
00:11:06,142 --> 00:11:08,342
Look at that! Easy.
197
00:11:15,302 --> 00:11:16,622
Here we go.
198
00:11:17,742 --> 00:11:20,621
Can't leave that there.
199
00:11:20,622 --> 00:11:22,022
Thank you.
200
00:11:27,702 --> 00:11:29,301
Here, hold on.
201
00:11:29,302 --> 00:11:32,061
Yeah, this looks like a good spot.
Perfect.
202
00:11:32,062 --> 00:11:33,302
It says you can't tip here.
203
00:11:33,303 --> 00:11:35,981
Yeah, well, the plumber said
he couldn't unplumb it, but he could.
204
00:11:35,982 --> 00:11:37,662
I'm sick of these arbitrary rules.
205
00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:45,061
Good.
206
00:11:45,062 --> 00:11:48,061
Do you want to dump these as well?
What's that?
207
00:11:48,062 --> 00:11:53,021
They're the instructions. They were
inside the washing machine.
208
00:11:53,022 --> 00:11:54,422
What, inside that? Yeah.
209
00:11:55,942 --> 00:11:57,621
That's the new one! I know.
210
00:11:57,622 --> 00:12:00,141
I wondered why you were dumping
that one.
211
00:12:00,142 --> 00:12:04,662
Aaah! Fuck!
And you didn't say anything? Ah!
212
00:12:07,302 --> 00:12:09,182
So, do you want these or not?
213
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:15,982
F...!
214
00:12:25,942 --> 00:12:27,861
Yeah, hello. Is that Rent-a-Star?
215
00:12:27,862 --> 00:12:29,142
Yeah, I'm Warwick Davis
216
00:12:29,143 --> 00:12:31,861
and I'm looking to hire some
celebrities for a party I'm having.
217
00:12:31,862 --> 00:12:35,581
Yeah, now,
I'm looking at your website and
218
00:12:35,582 --> 00:12:38,661
I see you've got Gary Busey,
Daniel Baldwin, Brigitte Nielson.
219
00:12:38,662 --> 00:12:41,301
Do you have anyone that hasn't
been in celebrity rehab?
220
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:44,941
There will be drink at the party,
I don't want any trouble.
221
00:12:44,942 --> 00:12:49,581
Right, there's a page two. Oh, yeah.
George Takei, that's Sulu.
222
00:12:49,582 --> 00:12:53,661
Erik Estrada, yeah, he's from Chips.
Who's Antonio Fargas?
223
00:12:53,662 --> 00:12:55,141
Huggy Bear?
224
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,461
OK, have you got any actors
that have actually
225
00:12:58,462 --> 00:13:00,622
acted in something in the last
ten to 15 years?
226
00:13:02,302 --> 00:13:05,301
No? What about TV presenters?
Now, Cat Deeley interests me.
227
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:07,301
She's not a drunk or a junkie
228
00:13:07,302 --> 00:13:10,421
and people under
the age of 50 have heard of her.
229
00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:11,902
Yeah, how much would she cost?
230
00:13:11,903 --> 00:13:13,541
Bear in mind, I'm in the business,
231
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:17,422
so what's the best price
you can do on Deeley?
232
00:13:26,382 --> 00:13:28,742
DOORBELL RINGS
233
00:13:33,822 --> 00:13:36,661
Oh. Come in. Push the door.
234
00:13:36,662 --> 00:13:37,702
Push it.
235
00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:42,021
There we are, welcome. Thank you.
Ah, the great showbiz party.
236
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,302
I must say, I'm very excited.
237
00:13:43,303 --> 00:13:45,662
I'm looking forward to
all the superstars.
238
00:13:52,462 --> 00:13:56,781
Well, welcome to the castle.
Food's over there. Drinks that way.
239
00:13:56,782 --> 00:13:59,222
Help yourselves. Good.
240
00:14:05,742 --> 00:14:06,942
DOORBELL RINGS
241
00:14:10,662 --> 00:14:16,461
Yes! Right, push the door. Come on.
Push. That's it. Welcome, come on in.
242
00:14:16,462 --> 00:14:18,021
Shut the door now.
243
00:14:18,022 --> 00:14:22,901
Here we go, everyone, over here.
Look at this, look who it is.
244
00:14:22,902 --> 00:14:26,101
It's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.
Yeah.
245
00:14:26,102 --> 00:14:30,581
Just another guest at my party, here.
Wow.
246
00:14:30,582 --> 00:14:32,942
Here she is. Cat Deeley, everyone.
247
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,222
That's it.
248
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:43,222
Not the reaction I thought you'd get,
but thanks for being here. Oh...
249
00:14:45,062 --> 00:14:47,341
Don't tell people you're hired. What?
250
00:14:47,342 --> 00:14:49,621
Don't tell people
I've paid for you to be here.
251
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:52,581
Just say you're one of my showbiz
friends. But how would we have met?
252
00:14:52,582 --> 00:14:54,422
Well, I don't know,
some Hollywood party.
253
00:14:54,423 --> 00:14:56,261
Do you go to Hollywood parties?
254
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,261
Yeah, I go to Hollywood parties,
babe, yeah.
255
00:14:59,262 --> 00:15:00,821
Long before you were born.
256
00:15:00,822 --> 00:15:04,901
So, I don't know, just say you're
a big fan of mine. All right?
257
00:15:04,902 --> 00:15:08,461
Come on, then. That's it.
Mingle, will you? Yup. OK.
258
00:15:08,462 --> 00:15:12,221
Ian, Sue, have you met the beautiful
Cat Deeley? Hello, nice to meet you.
259
00:15:12,222 --> 00:15:15,261
Nice to meet you. Hello.
260
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:18,301
I still really like that show
that you used to do in the mornings
261
00:15:18,302 --> 00:15:19,741
with Ant and Dec.
262
00:15:19,742 --> 00:15:23,981
Oh, thanks.
So, what are they really like then?
263
00:15:23,982 --> 00:15:26,822
Don't really want
to talk about those guys.
264
00:15:28,222 --> 00:15:30,822
Cat, can I have word? Just..
265
00:15:34,102 --> 00:15:35,180
In case you've forgotten,
266
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:37,622
I'm paying you an awful lot of money
to be here tonight,
267
00:15:37,623 --> 00:15:40,381
so if people want to talk about Ant
and Dec, you talk about Ant and Dec.
268
00:15:40,382 --> 00:15:42,061
Capiche?
269
00:15:42,062 --> 00:15:43,382
Good, come on then.
270
00:15:47,542 --> 00:15:51,941
So, you were talking about Ant
and Dec, weren't you? Oh, it's fine.
271
00:15:51,942 --> 00:15:53,622
She doesn't mind. She'll...
272
00:15:54,742 --> 00:15:57,661
What do you think of the show
they're doing now?
273
00:15:57,662 --> 00:16:01,821
The one in the jungle, is it?
I'm A Celebrity... Yeah.
274
00:16:01,822 --> 00:16:05,182
I don't really watch it.
Cat, can I have another word?
275
00:16:07,142 --> 00:16:08,940
I don't even work
on the jungle show.
276
00:16:08,941 --> 00:16:11,142
You must have an opinion.
I think it's pretty good.
277
00:16:11,143 --> 00:16:13,622
Well, say that when people ask. God!
278
00:16:18,742 --> 00:16:20,382
DOORBELL RINGS
279
00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,702
GENERAL CHATTER
280
00:16:49,822 --> 00:16:56,142
Hello, Cat Deeley. Hi.
I am Warwick's accountant. Right.
281
00:16:57,662 --> 00:16:59,661
Yeah. Got some other
clients as well. Uh-huh.
282
00:16:59,662 --> 00:17:01,301
Four other clients, no, three.
283
00:17:01,302 --> 00:17:04,661
No four, including me,
cos I do my own books. Right.
284
00:17:04,662 --> 00:17:08,061
You got an accountant? Yeah.
Happy with them? Very.
285
00:17:08,062 --> 00:17:10,061
Yeah, what if I told you
286
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:12,861
you could get away with never
having to pay VAT?
287
00:17:12,862 --> 00:17:17,102
That's illegal, isn't it? Yup,
it is, you can't get away with that.
288
00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:20,061
Want to go out with me sometime?
289
00:17:20,062 --> 00:17:23,901
No. No?
Well, do you want to take my card,
290
00:17:23,902 --> 00:17:27,581
in case you need a new accountant?
No.
291
00:17:27,582 --> 00:17:29,182
No? Nah.
292
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:33,461
No, not after asking you out.
And the illegal VAT stuff.
293
00:17:33,462 --> 00:17:37,021
I've muddled things, asking you out
and asking for your business.
294
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,821
I should have done one or the other.
I always do that. That's my problem.
295
00:17:39,822 --> 00:17:42,141
I want to make money
and I want a shag.
296
00:17:42,142 --> 00:17:44,542
I end up getting neither. Oh.
297
00:17:45,582 --> 00:17:48,782
No chance with either with you,
did I? No. Nah.
298
00:17:50,742 --> 00:17:52,382
Oh.
299
00:17:54,262 --> 00:17:57,862
Oh. My life.
I wouldn't wish it on...
300
00:17:59,542 --> 00:18:01,302
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
301
00:18:02,702 --> 00:18:06,141
You know what, sometimes, I think
I should just go down to my bank
302
00:18:06,142 --> 00:18:10,142
and get out all my savings in cash,
spend it all on prostitutes...
303
00:18:12,182 --> 00:18:13,462
and then kill myself.
304
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,742
Don't think I haven't
thought of that many a time.
305
00:18:26,142 --> 00:18:28,622
Having fun? Yeah. Yeah.
306
00:18:30,622 --> 00:18:31,702
So...
307
00:18:33,262 --> 00:18:37,222
Are you and Cat Deeley an item,
then?
308
00:18:41,302 --> 00:18:44,942
Why? You're not jealous, are you?
No, no, she's...
309
00:18:46,062 --> 00:18:48,022
she's very glamorous.
310
00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:55,621
Look, I didn't want to say too much,
but, um...
311
00:18:55,622 --> 00:18:56,662
you've rumbled us.
312
00:18:58,822 --> 00:19:02,021
How long's that been going on?
Long enough. Hmm.
313
00:19:02,022 --> 00:19:05,381
Yeah, is it a rebound thing?
Who knows?
314
00:19:05,382 --> 00:19:08,221
But, um, you've still got first dibs
on me, but the clock is ticking.
315
00:19:08,222 --> 00:19:10,701
I just don't want her to get hurt.
316
00:19:10,702 --> 00:19:13,582
Cat! What? Here she is.
317
00:19:14,822 --> 00:19:18,101
What you doing? Just putting
my arm round you. Round my leg?
318
00:19:18,102 --> 00:19:20,702
Can't reach your waist,
can I? Well, don't.
319
00:19:24,382 --> 00:19:26,742
She doesn't like public
displays of affection.
320
00:19:27,742 --> 00:19:30,901
But, er, yeah, we are an item.
321
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:33,741
You don't tweet, do you? No.
No, no, it's...
322
00:19:33,742 --> 00:19:36,981
You know, if it ever got out, eurgh,
it'd be a media meltdown and,
323
00:19:36,982 --> 00:19:38,581
yeah, I don't want that.
324
00:19:38,582 --> 00:19:39,901
Protecting her, really.
325
00:19:39,902 --> 00:19:44,542
So, um, just,
keep it under your hat, yeah?
326
00:19:54,582 --> 00:20:02,021
All right, lads? I, er, embarrassed
myself with Cat Deeley. How?
327
00:20:02,022 --> 00:20:06,021
I asked her out, then started
talking about fiddling her tax
328
00:20:06,022 --> 00:20:08,501
and killing myself.
329
00:20:08,502 --> 00:20:11,542
All over the place.
Yeah, not focused.
330
00:20:13,662 --> 00:20:15,781
How would you kill yourself?
331
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,341
Blow all my money on prossies,
then a gun in the mouth.
332
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:21,861
It's a classic. What about you, Les?
Definitely pills.
333
00:20:21,862 --> 00:20:24,941
That's the way I'm going to do it.
I've heard you just slip away.
334
00:20:24,942 --> 00:20:27,701
You've got to be careful,
though, that you don't wake up,
335
00:20:27,702 --> 00:20:30,022
because you can get brain damage
and your kidneys can go.
336
00:20:30,023 --> 00:20:34,061
What about you? Just car
in the garage, hose on the exhaust.
337
00:20:34,062 --> 00:20:37,421
I've got heated seats,
so I'd be comfy.
338
00:20:37,422 --> 00:20:41,461
Yeah. Keith? Er, best guess for me?
339
00:20:41,462 --> 00:20:44,901
Probably a wanking incident.
340
00:20:44,902 --> 00:20:48,301
You know, the old, er, belt round
the door handle job?
341
00:20:48,302 --> 00:20:49,501
Uh...
342
00:20:49,502 --> 00:20:51,621
Knocking one out.
343
00:20:51,622 --> 00:20:53,461
Orgasm.
344
00:20:53,462 --> 00:20:54,502
Joke.
345
00:20:55,582 --> 00:20:57,301
Dead.
346
00:20:57,302 --> 00:21:00,101
Yeah. Actually, I'm going
to change my mind.
347
00:21:00,102 --> 00:21:03,382
I think that's the best way to go.
If you're going to do it, do that.
348
00:21:07,982 --> 00:21:11,061
Excuse me. What,
you going to knock one out now?
349
00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:15,102
Yeah. Once I've got that idea
in my head, I can't get rid of it.
350
00:21:23,542 --> 00:21:25,462
Oh.
351
00:21:27,102 --> 00:21:30,461
Lots of TV people, aren't there?
Uh-huh. Media people. Uh-huh.
352
00:21:30,462 --> 00:21:35,462
It's all very glamorous and creative.
Uh-huh. You fitting in OK? Yup.
353
00:21:38,302 --> 00:21:41,061
Don't suppose you've heard
the rumour about me and Cat Deeley?
354
00:21:41,062 --> 00:21:43,781
Who's Cat Deeley?
I introduced you earlier.
355
00:21:43,782 --> 00:21:45,742
The tall, blonde, you know, she...
356
00:21:46,902 --> 00:21:49,541
She's always on the TV.
Oh, I don't have a television.
357
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:52,981
You don't have a TV?
No, just books.
358
00:21:52,982 --> 00:21:54,981
Well, if you did... But I don't.
359
00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:58,901
If you did, you'd realise she's quite
a famous person to be going out with.
360
00:21:58,902 --> 00:22:00,542
But I don't.
361
00:22:02,902 --> 00:22:04,542
DOORBELL RINGS
362
00:22:08,542 --> 00:22:09,582
Push the door.
363
00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:17,702
Hi. Hi, Warwick. How's it going?
Good, thanks. Nice place. Yeah.
364
00:22:19,222 --> 00:22:22,262
Do you want a drink? Yes, please.
It's all over there. Help yourself.
365
00:22:26,342 --> 00:22:28,381
No, he's very special...
366
00:22:28,382 --> 00:22:30,941
All right, Keith?
367
00:22:30,942 --> 00:22:34,541
You don't tweet, do you? Yeah, I do.
368
00:22:34,542 --> 00:22:36,341
Oh, no.
369
00:22:36,342 --> 00:22:39,061
You haven't tweeted that me and
Cat Deeley are going out, have you?
370
00:22:39,062 --> 00:22:40,461
Of course not.
371
00:22:40,462 --> 00:22:42,861
Oh, depends what you've seen.
372
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:44,862
You haven't seen me
and her together then? No.
373
00:22:45,942 --> 00:22:51,981
You didn't see me touch her legs? No.
Well, I did. Leg hug.
374
00:22:51,982 --> 00:22:53,062
I didn't see that.
375
00:22:53,063 --> 00:22:55,941
Well, pay attention then,
to what's going on under your nose,
376
00:22:55,942 --> 00:22:58,342
and if it's of interest, tweet it.
377
00:23:11,502 --> 00:23:14,501
Sometimes, I look at the moon
and I do find that
378
00:23:14,502 --> 00:23:19,781
I feel like when the tides are high
and the lunar moon's out,
379
00:23:19,782 --> 00:23:23,861
I feel a little bit... like...
380
00:23:23,862 --> 00:23:26,141
frisky.
381
00:23:26,142 --> 00:23:27,502
Yeah.
382
00:23:30,502 --> 00:23:35,141
The guy from Family Fortunes. Hello,
I'm Amy. Hello. Hi, Amy, I'm Sue.
383
00:23:35,142 --> 00:23:39,221
Hi. Ian Wald. Oh, hi, Ian.
Ian, my partner. Oh.
384
00:23:39,222 --> 00:23:43,861
How do you guys know Warwick? I used
to be married to him. Oh, that's...
385
00:23:43,862 --> 00:23:49,421
And I'm suing him. Yeah.
Effectively. OK. He's my solicitor.
386
00:23:49,422 --> 00:23:50,901
Supervising the divorce.
387
00:23:50,902 --> 00:23:53,741
That must save you a bit of
money, going out with your lawyer.
388
00:23:53,742 --> 00:23:56,261
No, I'm still paying him, you know.
Well, yeah, but we'll get it back.
389
00:23:56,262 --> 00:24:00,981
Oh. So, how do you know Warwick?
Do you work with him?
390
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:04,341
No, we just met through
a dating agency. Dating agency?
391
00:24:04,342 --> 00:24:06,861
Been on a couple of dates,
which have been quite eventful.
392
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:08,461
This is our third.
393
00:24:08,462 --> 00:24:09,580
That's strange, Warwick,
394
00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:11,542
cos I thought you were going out
with Cat Deeley?
395
00:24:11,543 --> 00:24:14,181
What?
396
00:24:14,182 --> 00:24:16,101
That's what you said, isn't it?
397
00:24:16,102 --> 00:24:19,422
You're going out with Cat Deeley?
398
00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:29,741
Yeah. Yeah. Um. Er...
399
00:24:29,742 --> 00:24:31,902
Should have probably said something,
um, but, yeah.
400
00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:35,941
Me and Cat are, kind of, but,
but look, come on, babe.
401
00:24:35,942 --> 00:24:38,181
You knew
when you got involved with me
402
00:24:38,182 --> 00:24:40,781
you were dealing with a player,
didn't you?
403
00:24:40,782 --> 00:24:43,822
And, er, don't hate the player,
hate the game.
404
00:24:45,582 --> 00:24:49,342
OK, er, I'll give you a holler, yeah?
405
00:24:53,702 --> 00:24:56,422
Sorry, Warwick, did I put you in it?
406
00:24:59,662 --> 00:25:01,541
Nah.
407
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:03,541
Yeah, we had a few laughs,
but, you know,
408
00:25:03,542 --> 00:25:05,901
I never said she wouldn't get hurt.
409
00:25:05,902 --> 00:25:09,741
Chick like Cat Deeley comes along,
you have to say bye-bye.
410
00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:11,822
But, you know,
same thing could happen to Deeley.
411
00:25:11,823 --> 00:25:15,221
I could home one day, Deeley's there,
412
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,941
"Hi, Warwick, I made your favourite
dinner. Spaghetti Bolognese."
413
00:25:17,942 --> 00:25:20,142
"Mmm, lovely. By the way,
I'm sleeping with J-Lo,
414
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:22,621
"you're moving out tomorrow."
415
00:25:22,622 --> 00:25:27,181
Cat? Do you find it difficult
being in LA half the year?
416
00:25:27,182 --> 00:25:29,821
I mean, do you miss Warwick?
Do I miss Warwick?
417
00:25:29,822 --> 00:25:32,901
Yeah, is it hard to maintain
a relationship? Relationship?
418
00:25:32,902 --> 00:25:36,501
Yeah, we don't use that word.
What do you mean, relationship?
419
00:25:36,502 --> 00:25:38,620
Yeah, we don't use that word,
so let's not repeat it.
420
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:41,102
Sorry, I thought you were going
out with Warwick?
421
00:25:41,103 --> 00:25:46,181
Why did you think that? Er... Been
some rumours. How did they start?
422
00:25:46,182 --> 00:25:48,422
I don't know, but let's just leave
this now, shall we?
423
00:25:48,423 --> 00:25:51,221
I've already sent one girl home
crying, I don't want any more tears.
424
00:25:51,222 --> 00:25:55,461
Have you been telling people that
we're going out? Er...
425
00:25:55,462 --> 00:25:59,261
Excuse me, everybody. Can I have
everybody's attention, please?
426
00:25:59,262 --> 00:26:03,141
Um, has anyone heard the rumour
that I'm going out with Warwick?
427
00:26:03,142 --> 00:26:05,302
Put your hands up. Show me,
put your hands up.
428
00:26:07,702 --> 00:26:11,061
Well, it's totally unfounded.
It's ridiculous.
429
00:26:11,062 --> 00:26:15,181
I would never go out with
Warwick Davis. Is that clear?
430
00:26:15,182 --> 00:26:18,141
Everyone, is that completely clear?
431
00:26:18,142 --> 00:26:19,502
ALL: Yes.
432
00:26:20,502 --> 00:26:22,822
OK, thanks for coming, everyone,
party's over.
433
00:26:24,022 --> 00:26:26,062
Deeley's thrown a strop.
434
00:26:27,542 --> 00:26:28,582
Everyone out.
435
00:26:50,622 --> 00:26:53,541
Cat, can you keep the noise down?
Can I go yet?
436
00:26:53,542 --> 00:26:55,022
No, I paid you till midnight.
437
00:26:56,702 --> 00:26:58,382
Wasted five grand on her.
438
00:26:59,942 --> 00:27:02,382
Look at that. What's that on my shoe?
439
00:27:03,702 --> 00:27:05,821
It's a pilchard.
440
00:27:05,822 --> 00:27:08,541
Yeah, I was hungry,
so I opened a tin of pilchards.
441
00:27:08,542 --> 00:27:10,982
I couldn't work your microwave,
so I had to eat them cold.
442
00:27:12,062 --> 00:27:13,382
This day couldn't get any worse.
443
00:27:21,262 --> 00:27:22,302
Cat, get a mop.
444
00:27:32,782 --> 00:27:35,661
It won't happen again. But I feel
like it will happen again, Warwick.
445
00:27:35,662 --> 00:27:37,061
It won't, I promise.
446
00:27:37,062 --> 00:27:39,661
Are you satisfied?
Yes. In every way.
447
00:27:39,662 --> 00:27:42,301
No need for smut.
Give me five grand, just to live on.
448
00:27:42,302 --> 00:27:43,901
It looks like my fortunes
449
00:27:43,902 --> 00:27:44,982
are turning.
450
00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:49,300
What does an event like this
mean to you?
451
00:27:49,301 --> 00:27:50,700
It means I can't be at home
452
00:27:50,701 --> 00:27:52,180
in my pants getting drunk.
453
00:27:52,181 --> 00:27:54,462
Not many people get the chance to
delight Sting, do they?
454
00:27:54,463 --> 00:27:57,462
Warwick hasn't bid yet.
Sting grassing me up.
455
00:28:00,302 --> 00:28:04,301
I'm here with Big Keith from
The Office. Keith... It's Ewan.
456
00:28:04,302 --> 00:28:05,621
Sorry?
457
00:28:05,622 --> 00:28:09,981
Big Keith is just the character
name, I'm actually nothing like him.
458
00:28:09,982 --> 00:28:14,142
Sorry, Ewan, of course. So, does
this charity mean a lot to you then?
459
00:28:18,942 --> 00:28:21,342
Good. And, obviously,
it's a great cause.
460
00:28:26,462 --> 00:28:29,382
And you'll be hoping that the
auction raises a lot of money?
461
00:28:31,022 --> 00:28:33,101
Yes.
462
00:28:33,102 --> 00:28:36,302
OK, great chat,
thanks very much for that.
463
00:28:36,327 --> 00:28:41,627
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells
www.addic7ed.com
464
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,072
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