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1
00:00:00,958 --> 00:00:02,397
What's the problem?
2
00:00:02,398 --> 00:00:05,477
When I signed up, my heroes
were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...
3
00:00:08,059 --> 00:00:09,158
At least you're working.
4
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:11,369
I know.
It's not exactly what I dreamed of.
5
00:00:11,370 --> 00:00:12,490
Oh, here we go!
6
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
7
00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:21,250
Strike!
8
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:25,929
'My name is Warwick Davis.'
Hello, Dwarves For Hire.
9
00:00:25,930 --> 00:00:27,409
'I'm an entrepreneur.'
10
00:00:27,410 --> 00:00:30,369
You're stealing the best roles
for yourself. 'I'm an actor.'
11
00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:32,969
What part of the character's this?
Just keep going.
12
00:00:32,970 --> 00:00:35,649
'Soon to be divorced.'
Got your special shampoo? Yes.
13
00:00:35,650 --> 00:00:37,689
'Oh,
and I've got a massive tax bill.'
14
00:00:37,690 --> 00:00:41,650
It's you that didn't know what
he was doing. You're my accountant.
15
00:00:47,170 --> 00:00:52,049
Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome
to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.
16
00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:54,609
Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.
17
00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:58,329
I was trying on costumes once
with actor Mark Hamill.
18
00:00:58,330 --> 00:01:00,569
He was stripped down
to his underwear,
19
00:01:00,570 --> 00:01:05,369
and I was quite literally
taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants.
20
00:01:05,370 --> 00:01:08,489
For a slight man, there
really was a monster down there.
21
00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:11,529
I was mightily impressed,
and he was flaccid.
22
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:15,369
So there you have it, finally
Warwick Davis has gone cyber.
23
00:01:15,370 --> 00:01:19,769
The site's been live for 48 hours
now. How many hits, Cheryl?
24
00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,769
12.
25
00:01:21,770 --> 00:01:24,249
12. For God's sakes!
See, that annoys me.
26
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,689
Porn stars on sites like,
I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk, millions of hits.
27
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:33,409
Me, proper film star
making proper films, 12 hits.
28
00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:38,489
"Do you want to visit my website?"
"No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then."
29
00:01:38,490 --> 00:01:42,849
I mean, part of the problem could be
that my website address is warwickdavis.org.uk.
30
00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:46,849
Um, I couldn't get warwickdavis.com
cos that was already taken,
31
00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:51,449
so if you're looking for me
and you type in warwickdavis.com,
32
00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:54,569
you're going to be
sorely disappointed.
33
00:01:54,570 --> 00:01:57,369
Probably get some clown
who's a plumber in Chepstow.
34
00:01:57,370 --> 00:01:59,770
There he is. And I don't think
you want to go there.
35
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:03,129
Well, it turns out you do, actually,
he's had more hits than me.
36
00:02:03,130 --> 00:02:07,169
1,800 people need a plumber
in Chepstow? Fuck off!
37
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:08,210
What do you need?
38
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,489
Well, I won't keep you guys.
Go on.
39
00:02:10,490 --> 00:02:13,569
Well, I was thinking,
what'd be great for my website
40
00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:16,489
would be a quote from you, Ricky,
endorsing me as an actor. OK.
41
00:02:16,490 --> 00:02:18,729
Think that's a good idea?
Yeah, definitely.
42
00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:21,009
The problem is,
I'll start straightaway,
43
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:24,009
um, I can't think of anything.
You could think of something.
44
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:28,649
Just a couple of sentences
singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there
45
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:31,649
and think, "Wow, this dude must
be good if..." Really good idea.
46
00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:35,209
Yeah, yeah? What, to me
to put my name to, to his... Yeah, yeah... career?
47
00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:38,449
Um, well, we're a bit snowed under,
to be honest, but I...
48
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:41,769
Can you just e-mail me
something later? Oh... Yeah.
49
00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:43,850
Great. Cheers. Thanks.
50
00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:56,689
The Society Of People
Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.
51
00:02:56,690 --> 00:03:01,129
We're a group that really campaigns
for the rights of little people.
52
00:03:01,130 --> 00:03:06,049
Currently, the chairman
is a man called Anthony Braden.
53
00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:08,410
I am vice chairman.
54
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:12,849
I should probably be chairman,
really,
55
00:03:12,850 --> 00:03:17,609
but I suppose it means more
to Anthony, so good luck to him.
56
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:21,929
Prejudice doesn't need
to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance.
57
00:03:21,930 --> 00:03:25,209
It can be being patronised
or it can just simply be...
58
00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:29,449
'I feel it's important
to use whatever charisma
59
00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:33,809
'and star power that I've been
blessed with to help others.'
60
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,689
It's an honour.
61
00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,729
It's also a duty.
62
00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:41,329
If you can send in your bits of news
and any interesting articles
63
00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:43,209
we'll try and get them published.
64
00:03:43,210 --> 00:03:47,449
So I look forward to seeing
you at the next meeting. Thanks.
65
00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:49,769
What's... What's all that? What's...
66
00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:54,169
Oh, I've just got to do
a quick interview for BBC News about the society,
67
00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:56,970
What, they're interviewing you?
Yeah.
68
00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:05,889
Hiya.
69
00:04:05,890 --> 00:04:08,289
So you're from the BBC.
70
00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,329
Er, yeah.
71
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,769
British Broadcasting Corporation.
72
00:04:11,770 --> 00:04:14,449
And, er,
and you're interviewing Anthony?
73
00:04:14,450 --> 00:04:16,569
That's right.
74
00:04:16,570 --> 00:04:21,649
Seems a bit odd.
You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him.
75
00:04:21,650 --> 00:04:22,930
What film star?
76
00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:26,889
Me, Warwick Davis.
Return Of The Jedi, etc.
77
00:04:26,890 --> 00:04:29,409
Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.
78
00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:33,449
We were told Anthony's
the chairman of the society. Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.
79
00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:37,569
Bit worried, actually.
Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know.
80
00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:39,410
It's just one camera.
81
00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:45,729
Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.
82
00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:48,449
Bloody film crew just clocked me,
right,
83
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,089
and they want me
to do the interview.
84
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:52,810
You all right if we do it together?
85
00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:54,690
Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.
86
00:04:57,770 --> 00:05:01,449
Hiya.
Just spoke to Anthony over there.
87
00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:04,089
Our worst fears have come true.
He's nervous.
88
00:05:04,090 --> 00:05:06,769
He wants me
to do the interview with him.
89
00:05:06,770 --> 00:05:09,730
Er, fine, whatever. Cool.
90
00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:13,289
You got a dressing room
I can chill out in?
91
00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:15,529
Just need to get my head together,
you know.
92
00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:17,570
No, we're ready to go now. Cool, mm.
93
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,809
Got any slap?
94
00:05:20,810 --> 00:05:22,809
Slap? Make-up.
95
00:05:22,810 --> 00:05:23,849
No.
96
00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:25,650
It's all right, got me own.
97
00:05:27,090 --> 00:05:28,850
Pop another chair out.
98
00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:35,129
You all right?
99
00:05:35,130 --> 00:05:37,689
Bit shiny...
Do you want some powder?
100
00:05:37,690 --> 00:05:38,730
No, I'm fine.
101
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:41,009
Sweaty.
102
00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:42,089
Happy?
103
00:05:42,090 --> 00:05:44,249
Yeah, I'm happy. You happy? Yeah.
104
00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:46,369
Great, let's rock 'n' roll.
OK, then.
105
00:05:46,370 --> 00:05:47,570
Take one.
106
00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:50,809
So, what are you campaigning for?
107
00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:56,769
Well, um, homophobic
or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,
108
00:05:56,770 --> 00:06:00,769
and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.
109
00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:05,849
Anthony's mentioned racism, and I
see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America.
110
00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:09,609
Of the two of us, I suppose
I'm more like Martin Luther King,
111
00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:12,849
just cos I've got the profile and
the charisma and a way with words,
112
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,929
but, you know, that's not to say
Anthony's not got an important role to play.
113
00:06:16,930 --> 00:06:20,329
He's more your run of the mill
coloured chap in the '50s, you know.
114
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:23,929
Yes, I'm taking all the glory
and going down in history,
115
00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:26,049
but then
he's not getting shot in the head.
116
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:27,730
So, swings and roundabouts.
117
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:30,849
So, what is to be done?
118
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,209
It's about awareness.
119
00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:36,089
A lot of people don't even realise
that the word midget is considered offensive.
120
00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:39,849
Oh, yeah, can I take this?
Um, what we're talking about is equality, right?
121
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:41,649
Martin Luther King once said,
122
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:47,369
"I have a dream that one day
a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK?
123
00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:50,849
Swap the word black for dwarf,
and you've got my situation.
124
00:06:50,850 --> 00:06:56,809
Not literally. I don't mean I
want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl,
125
00:06:56,810 --> 00:06:58,449
you know, or any little girl.
126
00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:02,569
And if I did, um, totally above
board, got the parents' permission and everything,
127
00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:07,249
and it's not like I'm going
to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand
128
00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:11,249
and off down the woods, you know,
Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?"
129
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:14,329
"Went off down the woods
with a creepy little dwarf."
130
00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:21,730
What I'm saying is that dwarves
and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals.
131
00:07:23,930 --> 00:07:26,889
The Society Of People
Of Short Stature wanted to...
132
00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:30,969
Yeah, no, this is really good, this
sort of exposure for the society,
133
00:07:30,970 --> 00:07:35,489
and that's kind of what I can bring
it, you know, with my profile, you know.
134
00:07:35,490 --> 00:07:38,889
Programmes like this'll
be interested to see what it's like.
135
00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,129
Oh, here we are, here's Anthony,
the shiny sod!
136
00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:44,369
Go on, get on with it!
137
00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:48,769
Homophobic or racial slurs
are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,
138
00:07:48,770 --> 00:07:52,369
and yet words like midget
are still being commonly used.
139
00:07:52,370 --> 00:07:54,049
So, what is to be done?
140
00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:56,209
Basically,
like other minority groups,
141
00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:02,049
we feel we should be able to
expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace.
142
00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:06,169
Most of the jobs
in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified.
143
00:08:06,170 --> 00:08:11,769
Why can't a little person
be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles?
144
00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:14,449
Height should simply
not be an issue.
145
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:17,809
It should simply come down to,
"Can they act?"
146
00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:21,329
Anthony Braden from the Society
Of People Of Short Stature...
147
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:24,009
That's... that's ridiculous.
148
00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:30,649
They've just cut me out.
That's... that's embarrassing.
149
00:08:30,650 --> 00:08:33,249
For them.
150
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:37,089
I feel like phoning up the head
of the BBC and going, "All right?
151
00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:41,449
"It's Warwick Davis here."
"All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood."
152
00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:44,729
"No, no, took the day off."
"What have you been doing, chilling out?
153
00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:47,929
"No, spent the day helping one
of your producers do a news report."
154
00:08:47,930 --> 00:08:51,729
"That'll get the ratings in."
"No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?"
155
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:55,969
"Yeah, they just left in
some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about.
156
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,489
"Tell that producer
I'll never work for him again."
157
00:08:58,490 --> 00:09:01,169
"Oh, don't worry, Warwick,
he'll never work again."
158
00:09:01,170 --> 00:09:03,409
Yeah, I'm not going
to do that, though.
159
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,570
I don't want to get
the little prat fired.
160
00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:25,209
Hello. What's all this?
We want to talk to you.
161
00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:30,409
Ah, have you made an appointment
cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I?
162
00:09:30,410 --> 00:09:32,209
Mm, no, you haven't.
163
00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:35,489
Are you sure? Just check again.
164
00:09:35,490 --> 00:09:39,369
No, definitely not. You've got
nothing. Nothing's going on.
165
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,570
Phone hasn't rung for weeks.
166
00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:44,169
Thanks for your help.
167
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:46,849
Seems like I can squeeze you in.
168
00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:50,769
We saw Anthony
on the news last night. He made some interesting points.
169
00:09:50,770 --> 00:09:55,529
I made some as well, but they cut me
out. We're worried there's a conflict of interest.
170
00:09:55,530 --> 00:10:01,569
When the phone rings, we don't know
if you're representing us or taking the best roles. He's not.
171
00:10:01,570 --> 00:10:04,409
The phone never rings.
Yes, it does.
172
00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:10,369
And I always talk you guys up,
but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis,"
173
00:10:10,370 --> 00:10:15,049
I can't go, "Oh, no you don't
want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I?
174
00:10:15,050 --> 00:10:20,129
I assume you're not putting that
on a press release. Definitely not. Not putting out press releases.
175
00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:23,649
Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise
us? I've got the website.
176
00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:27,489
Yeah, but that's a website for you.
There should be a Dwarves For Hire website,
177
00:10:27,490 --> 00:10:30,529
with our CVs on there and our show
reels. Who's paying for this?
178
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:36,049
You! We want to show people we can
play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play.
179
00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:41,450
Like Anthony said on the news,
height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?"
180
00:10:44,050 --> 00:10:45,929
'The truth is they can't act.'
181
00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:49,289
There's a reason they're bowling
balls or being fired from cannons,
182
00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:51,090
it's cos that's all they're good at.
183
00:10:51,091 --> 00:10:53,689
'Look at Bernard, he's useless.
184
00:10:53,690 --> 00:10:55,809
'I don't know what else
he could do in life.
185
00:10:55,810 --> 00:10:57,849
'He certainly can't act.
186
00:10:57,850 --> 00:11:02,489
'I told him, "You want to
volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."'
187
00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:06,569
They pump you full of drugs
and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen?
188
00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:09,929
Even if he ends up deformed
or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs,
189
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,770
he'd be no worse off than he is now,
and he'd have money!
190
00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:18,449
'They come to me because
I'm sort of their guardian angel.
191
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:21,449
'I care for them, I protect them,
I nurture them.
192
00:11:21,450 --> 00:11:25,129
'If they want to be taken seriously,
then it's my duty to help.'
193
00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:27,170
I'll make them a show reel.
194
00:11:30,130 --> 00:11:33,849
I just hope they can
keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money,
195
00:11:33,850 --> 00:11:37,330
and I don't mind giving them
false hope, but not at my expense.
196
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,169
Action.
197
00:11:40,170 --> 00:11:42,130
My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,
198
00:11:42,131 --> 00:11:45,929
Emperor of the armies and legions,
servants of the, er...
199
00:11:45,930 --> 00:11:47,849
Don't look at me. Just keep...
200
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:50,929
Servants of the Emperor,
Marcus Aurelius.
201
00:11:50,930 --> 00:11:52,089
Yeah. Blink.
202
00:11:52,090 --> 00:11:54,930
I will have my vengeance,
in this life or the next.
203
00:11:57,010 --> 00:12:00,969
Er, er, oh!
204
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,409
This isn't showing you acting,
you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say.
205
00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:07,490
This is bloody horrible.
206
00:12:09,450 --> 00:12:12,289
This is not a good Friday.
207
00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:16,049
Yeah, brilliant.
Costing me five grand, this is.
208
00:12:16,050 --> 00:12:18,410
OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.
209
00:12:19,450 --> 00:12:21,889
Oh, yeah, I love you.
210
00:12:21,890 --> 00:12:24,329
Oh! Don't tell me wife.
211
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,129
Don't disturb the horses.
212
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:30,409
Yeah. Hey, where did you get
this tent from? Millets.
213
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:32,929
No-one wants to see that.
214
00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:36,889
I didn't even like seeing
the real two do it in the film, and they were lookers.
215
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,089
Look at that.
216
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,209
I'm gay.
217
00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:40,769
Oh! Me, too.
218
00:12:40,770 --> 00:12:43,169
Aye, definitely gay.
219
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:46,809
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant
have sent a quote through for me.
220
00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:50,449
They've made sure
I get the wording exactly right. Um... I understand why.
221
00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:55,849
Their reputation is everything, um,
which is why when they endorse you, it means something.
222
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,449
Here it is.
223
00:12:57,450 --> 00:13:02,249
"We've worked with some
of the greatest actors on the planet and Warwick Davis."
224
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:05,249
Not bad, is it?
Thank you, gentleman, for that.
225
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:06,809
Some more good news.
226
00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:09,129
Finally, the fans
have begun to find my website
227
00:13:09,130 --> 00:13:13,049
and some of them have been leaving
lovely comments, haven't they?
228
00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,890
Cheryl,
do you want to read some out?
229
00:13:14,891 --> 00:13:16,569
No, not really.
230
00:13:16,570 --> 00:13:18,249
No, I'm saying, "Read some out."
231
00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:19,369
Oh, OK.
232
00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:22,849
This one's
from the Prince of Darkness.
233
00:13:22,850 --> 00:13:25,169
All right, what does the Prince say?
234
00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:29,249
"Yay, Warwick's website."
Great, thank you, Prince of Darkness. Any more?
235
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:32,649
This one's from Nigel Perkins.
Where do they get these names from?
236
00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:37,089
Nutty, some of my fans, so...
Hello, Nigel. What does he say?
237
00:13:37,090 --> 00:13:38,489
"Well done."
238
00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:43,209
Great, Nigel likes it. That's good.
Um, cool. Any... anything else?
239
00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:45,569
Cyber Slayer.
Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.
240
00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:50,769
Great. He says, "Awful,
you are rubbish, you are not an actor, you just dress up.
241
00:13:50,770 --> 00:13:53,929
"We didn't even
see your face in those films.
242
00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:57,929
"That is not acting.
You're not even a proper dwarf.
243
00:13:57,930 --> 00:13:59,770
"Your arms are wrong."
244
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:02,729
Don't even know what that means.
245
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:07,290
"You're a disgusting little creature
and I want to squash you."
246
00:14:08,610 --> 00:14:09,929
Is that it?
247
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,449
No.
248
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:13,209
All right, what else?
249
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:14,849
"Fuck off."
250
00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:18,969
Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah,
and that's not your real name.
251
00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:24,689
Um, you're a coward, hiding
behind a crappy little stupid name.
252
00:14:24,690 --> 00:14:28,529
You're a waste of time, really,
um, a moron.
253
00:14:28,530 --> 00:14:31,409
Yeah, I, I don't know who you are.
Nobody knows who you are.
254
00:14:31,410 --> 00:14:33,929
You know, you've never been in
any films or on the TV.
255
00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:36,689
You... you're... you're nobody.
You're not famous.
256
00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:39,529
How do you know he isn't famous?
He isn't famous!
257
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:43,409
Which famous person would go online
and slag me off? Simon Cowell.
258
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:45,769
Well, why?
He says what he thinks.
259
00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:49,769
Well, why would he think that?
Maybe he doesn't like looking at weird stuff.
260
00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:55,290
He worked with Susan Boyle
and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.
261
00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:08,049
Excuse me.
I'm here to pick up a dwarf.
262
00:15:08,050 --> 00:15:10,289
Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,
263
00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:14,689
and riding a children's
tricycle down a dual carriageway.
264
00:15:14,690 --> 00:15:18,049
Right, um,
are you going to press charges?
265
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:21,009
Not if you're happy to take him
into your custody.
266
00:15:21,010 --> 00:15:22,609
Yeah, OK, whatever.
267
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,689
Let's have him.
268
00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:29,210
As soon as they even think they're
in a film they go and get wasted.
269
00:15:30,770 --> 00:15:33,689
My name is Maximum Minimus,
270
00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:38,809
and I'll have my end away
with your wife, or the next...
271
00:15:38,810 --> 00:15:40,489
We had to confiscate his sword.
272
00:15:40,490 --> 00:15:43,810
I've got my own sword.
My pork sword.
273
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:47,969
Ha!
274
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:49,610
Oh!
275
00:15:52,210 --> 00:15:54,650
He's thrown up over his own penis.
276
00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:59,809
You're not getting in my car
smelling like that.
277
00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:02,569
Don't need to. I've got my bike.
278
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:05,529
No, Pete, you can't go on the bike,
not again.
279
00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:07,889
No, whoa, stop!
280
00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:09,729
Pete, stop!
281
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:15,049
Oh! Don't go on the dual
carriageway, take the back roads. What is he..?
282
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:20,009
Oh! How long is that going
to take him to get home?
283
00:16:21,530 --> 00:16:22,690
Oh, now he's off.
284
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,570
Look, he's just flailing
like a dung beetle.
285
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:34,969
Oh, it's pathetic.
286
00:16:34,970 --> 00:16:39,249
Thought of the day, um,
let's stay out of the Middle East,
287
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:44,289
let them blow themselves up and
then just walk in and take the oil.
288
00:16:44,290 --> 00:16:47,809
Next, women I'd like to meet.
289
00:16:47,810 --> 00:16:52,289
Dame Judi Dench and Shakira
for completely different reasons.
290
00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:57,689
So, I posted that up and our friend
Cyber Slayer has been back on
291
00:16:57,690 --> 00:17:00,129
and he posted this comment.
292
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,649
"You'd never get off with a bird
like Shakira,
293
00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:05,729
"she'd take one look at you, gob
in your ugly face and run a mile.
294
00:17:05,730 --> 00:17:10,089
"I could get off with her because
I do get off with birds as good as her all the time, anyway."
295
00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:14,169
Pathetic. And he's a coward,
cos he wouldn't say that to my face.
296
00:17:14,170 --> 00:17:17,649
I'm going to prove that
because I've tracked him down.
297
00:17:17,650 --> 00:17:21,329
Cheryl here has been doing a bit
of detective work, haven't you?
298
00:17:21,330 --> 00:17:25,369
From his user name,
I found his YouTube channel
299
00:17:25,370 --> 00:17:30,969
and from his YouTube channel,
it was linked to his MySpace page.
300
00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:34,329
Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer
than an episode of Columbo.
301
00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:36,569
Um, point is we found out
he's 16 years old,
302
00:17:36,570 --> 00:17:40,169
so there's no way he's getting off
with better-looking birds than Shakira.
303
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:43,209
I've got his real name, I've got
the name of his posh school,
304
00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:47,129
so I'm going to pay
the Cyber Slayer a little visit.
305
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:48,930
And I'm going to destroy him.
306
00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:17,849
Sorry, can I help you? Yes, I want
to read you something, if that's OK.
307
00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:22,769
This was posted on my YouTube
channel by a pupil in your class.
308
00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:27,649
"You ugly little troll.
I want to tie you up and beat you."
309
00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:31,969
Quiet! Now, I don't know why he's
got such a fascination with me.
310
00:18:31,970 --> 00:18:33,970
Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.
311
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:41,009
Wants to tie me up, does he?
Mm, sounds a bit gay!
312
00:18:41,010 --> 00:18:43,930
Maybe he's in love with me.
A gay dwarf fetish!
313
00:18:45,370 --> 00:18:47,330
His name is Justin Palmer.
314
00:18:48,930 --> 00:18:51,769
Justin Palmer, come up here.
315
00:19:05,890 --> 00:19:07,609
Justin, did you write these?
316
00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:11,649
And tell me the truth.
Did you bully this man online?
317
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:12,849
Yes.
318
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:16,209
What do you have
to say for yourself?
319
00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:18,729
Sorry. Don't say sorry to me,
say sorry to him.
320
00:19:18,730 --> 00:19:21,649
It's fine, really, it doesn't
matter. No, it's not fine.
321
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:24,529
Apologise, please, to the gentleman
that you've bullied.
322
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:27,289
Wasn't actually bullying, as such.
Sorry.
323
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:28,969
Thanks.
324
00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:31,210
Good. Now go back to your desk.
325
00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:35,050
You haven't heard the last of this.
See me afterwards.
326
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,369
Gay! OK, sssh!
327
00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:41,449
Bum chum!
328
00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:45,970
Bender!
329
00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:51,049
'It's water under the bridge.
Um, it's all sorted now.'
330
00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:56,609
Um, I hadn't realised that he was...
He'll be fine though, so...
331
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,410
Did you destroy him?
332
00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,729
Destroy is such an awful term.
333
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,289
Any messages?
334
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:21,729
Yes, a woman called, she'd seen
the Dwarves For Hire website.
335
00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:22,849
Oh, yeah?
336
00:20:22,850 --> 00:20:27,089
She said they need a dwarf actor
urgently for a week's filming
337
00:20:27,090 --> 00:20:29,809
on a movie
with Helena Bonham Carter.
338
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:33,329
Really? What's... Where is it?
339
00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:34,649
Great!
340
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:37,329
Shall I use one of those dwarves
that complains
341
00:20:37,330 --> 00:20:40,249
that you always take
the best action jobs for yourself?
342
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:44,129
No. No, I'll... I'll do this job.
They said they needed Warwick Davis, so...
343
00:20:44,130 --> 00:20:46,490
They didn't specify,
we can give it to who we want.
344
00:20:46,491 --> 00:20:51,289
I know, but if a director says
he needs a dwarf to act opposite Helena Bonham Carter,
345
00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:55,769
then I have a responsibility
to all my clients to take that role, you know, cos, you know,
346
00:20:55,770 --> 00:20:58,769
if I give them any old dwarf,
you know, it'll be like,
347
00:20:58,770 --> 00:21:01,689
"Oh, this dwarf can't act,
I'll never use a dwarf again,"
348
00:21:01,690 --> 00:21:05,009
whereas if I do it, he'll be like,
"Wow, Warwick Davis is brilliant.
349
00:21:05,010 --> 00:21:09,529
"If this is what all dwarf actors
are like, I'm going to sprinkle this place with dwarves."
350
00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:13,449
So, yeah, call 'em back,
tell 'em they've got their dwarf.
351
00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:14,769
Good.
352
00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:19,209
Huge honour for me to be in
a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.
353
00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:21,849
Um, you know, a big thrill.
354
00:21:21,850 --> 00:21:25,009
And she's a wonderful actress,
you know, very talented,
355
00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:28,249
is Oscar-nominated,
and with her in a film,
356
00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:31,609
it's going to get a lot
of attention, which will put me back on the map.
357
00:21:31,610 --> 00:21:35,490
So... So, yeah,
it's a big opportunity for me. I'm very excited.
358
00:21:41,170 --> 00:21:42,209
Stand by.
359
00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:44,530
Action.
360
00:21:45,650 --> 00:21:49,609
Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
361
00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:53,289
While he's away fighting
for Her Majesty, you're to be the man of the house.
362
00:21:53,290 --> 00:21:56,369
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
363
00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:59,489
One more time. Shall I give you
the line, then you just do it?
364
00:21:59,490 --> 00:22:01,369
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
365
00:22:01,370 --> 00:22:04,289
Fear is what makes you a man.
366
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,529
You cannot have courage
without fear.
367
00:22:06,530 --> 00:22:09,449
Brilliant, Danny.
One more time, even more scared.
368
00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:12,849
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
369
00:22:12,850 --> 00:22:14,688
Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.
370
00:22:14,689 --> 00:22:16,610
You cannot have courage
without fear.
371
00:22:16,611 --> 00:22:18,369
And cut. Check the gate.
372
00:22:18,370 --> 00:22:20,809
That was lovely. You worked so...
373
00:22:20,810 --> 00:22:22,529
Beautiful. Cut there.
374
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:25,009
OK, we'll see you tomorrow.
375
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,889
Really good.
376
00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:32,009
Can we turn round on Helena and find
me Danny's stand-in. Yes, OK.
377
00:22:32,010 --> 00:22:33,810
I'm a stand-in for a child.
378
00:22:35,690 --> 00:22:39,609
Yeah, kids can only work
a certain number of hours on a film,
379
00:22:39,610 --> 00:22:44,689
so if they're going to shoot
from behind the kid's head, they'll often use dwarves.
380
00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:47,289
So that means I'm not even
going to be in the film.
381
00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:52,129
I'm just here so Helen Bonham
Carter's got someone to look at.
382
00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:54,449
Could have used any old dwarf.
383
00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:56,249
And action.
384
00:22:56,250 --> 00:23:01,129
Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
385
00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:03,489
While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty,
386
00:23:03,490 --> 00:23:05,969
you're to be the man of the house.
387
00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:10,129
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared. Yes,
but fear's what makes you a man.
388
00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:13,729
You cannot have courage without
fear. I want you to remember that.
389
00:23:13,730 --> 00:23:16,210
Then I must be a brave man,
for all I feel is fear...
390
00:23:16,211 --> 00:23:18,769
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...
391
00:23:18,770 --> 00:23:21,609
Cut, cut. What's the problem?
Yeah, I'm...
392
00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:26,369
What? No, it's just like, it's just
really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.
393
00:23:26,370 --> 00:23:31,049
I mean, it's a bit weird,
I mean, the... the legs don't move the same as Danny's.
394
00:23:31,050 --> 00:23:34,209
Yeah, OK, yeah. Yeah, and I can't
have its face staring at me.
395
00:23:34,210 --> 00:23:36,409
It? Can we lose the face?
396
00:23:36,410 --> 00:23:41,009
What d'you mean, lose the face?
Can we cover up the face? Does he even need to be there at all?
397
00:23:41,010 --> 00:23:43,049
I mean, anything else would do.
398
00:23:43,050 --> 00:23:45,769
How about a block of wood?
Block of wood would be great.
399
00:23:45,770 --> 00:23:49,529
Block of wood, please. What about
a bin? Yeah, a bin would be fine. Oh, yeah!
400
00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:53,729
Paint a face on it so I've got
something to focus on. Face, please, face on the bin.
401
00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:57,649
OK. Thanks. Come on, come on.
All right.
402
00:23:57,650 --> 00:23:59,769
OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.
403
00:23:59,770 --> 00:24:02,849
Do you still need the lines?
Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.
404
00:24:02,850 --> 00:24:04,689
OK. Thanks, Nobs. Yeah.
405
00:24:04,690 --> 00:24:06,849
OK, thank you, just the lines. OK.
406
00:24:06,850 --> 00:24:08,809
Right, let's go.
407
00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:09,969
And action.
408
00:24:09,970 --> 00:24:13,729
Now, I want you to be
a brave young man for your father.
409
00:24:13,730 --> 00:24:16,129
While he's away
fighting for Her Majesty,
410
00:24:16,130 --> 00:24:19,569
you're to be the man of the house.
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
411
00:24:19,570 --> 00:24:20,850
I'm sorry. Cut, cut.
412
00:24:20,851 --> 00:24:22,369
What's the problem?
413
00:24:22,370 --> 00:24:26,929
He's sneaking around back there,
I don't know what he's doing. He could be weeing or anything.
414
00:24:26,930 --> 00:24:28,449
What? What are you doing?
415
00:24:28,450 --> 00:24:31,049
Tell you what,
why don't we put him in the bin?
416
00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:34,529
Yeah, might be better.
OK, let's put the midget in the bin.
417
00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:36,450
Hang on!
No, I'm not going in the bin.
418
00:24:36,451 --> 00:24:38,809
Have you got a problem?
It's ridiculous. Really?
419
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,369
Well...
420
00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:41,810
You want to get paid?
421
00:24:43,450 --> 00:24:45,490
OK, let's go again. Stand by.
422
00:24:47,370 --> 00:24:49,529
And we're rolling. Action.
423
00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,408
Now, I want you
to be a brave young man.
424
00:24:51,409 --> 00:24:53,690
While your father's away
fighting for Her Majesty,
425
00:24:53,691 --> 00:24:55,969
you are going to be
the man of the house.
426
00:24:55,970 --> 00:24:58,329
Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
Yes, but fear...
427
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:02,369
I'm sorry! Cut. What?
428
00:25:02,370 --> 00:25:04,330
Helena? No, I can't do it like that.
429
00:25:04,331 --> 00:25:07,569
That's really bad,
bad acting. It's horrible.
430
00:25:07,570 --> 00:25:12,129
Look, I'm not even looking at him
and it's still really... I can't.
431
00:25:12,130 --> 00:25:15,529
All right, no, I've got an idea,
I've got an idea, I've got an idea.
432
00:25:15,530 --> 00:25:20,689
Nobby, thought you might help.
He'll be fine. You do the line. Yeah, thanks. Why Nobby now?
433
00:25:20,690 --> 00:25:21,809
Nobs, thanks.
434
00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:25,689
OK, why don't you
just read Miss Fairfax, that's all I need, just read it, OK?
435
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:28,529
Stand by. Do I need to stay?
436
00:25:28,530 --> 00:25:29,729
Rolling.
437
00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:32,609
OK, ready, and action.
438
00:25:32,610 --> 00:25:34,890
I want you to be a brave young man
for your father.
439
00:25:34,891 --> 00:25:38,289
While he's away,
fighting for Her Majesty, you're the man of the house.
440
00:25:38,290 --> 00:25:40,929
Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.
441
00:25:40,930 --> 00:25:41,969
I'm sorry.
442
00:25:41,970 --> 00:25:44,289
Ah, cut, cut, cut!
No... I... He's peering...
443
00:25:44,290 --> 00:25:46,690
He's staring at me
while I'm doing the scene. Oh!
444
00:25:46,691 --> 00:25:50,009
He must be putting Nobby off.
It is a bit, yeah. Yeah, and I'm...
445
00:25:50,010 --> 00:25:54,129
Don't worry, Nobs,
we'll get another go. Don't worry. He's just, um... Yeah. I know.
446
00:25:54,130 --> 00:25:57,369
And he smells. They all smell.
I think you'll find it's the bin!
447
00:25:57,370 --> 00:26:00,969
No, no, it's... Excuse me. I'll do
it. I think I've had enough. OK.
448
00:26:00,970 --> 00:26:04,329
And I know what I can take.
We'll get rid of him, we'll get rid of him.
449
00:26:04,330 --> 00:26:07,569
And I'm just on the brink.
We'll do a separate shoot.
450
00:26:07,570 --> 00:26:10,689
Yeah. Without the, er...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
451
00:26:10,690 --> 00:26:14,009
OK.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.
452
00:26:14,010 --> 00:26:16,010
OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.
453
00:26:24,210 --> 00:26:26,289
Excuse me. Sorry?
454
00:26:26,290 --> 00:26:28,130
Excuse me.
455
00:26:30,170 --> 00:26:31,610
Right.
456
00:26:34,410 --> 00:26:37,129
"Do you want to do a day's filming
with Helena Bonham Carter
457
00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:41,849
"for shit money while a fat bloke
with a beard does your lines for you, cos you're so crap at acting?!"
458
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,049
'Crap?
459
00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:47,169
'Like you're going to get
my best acting from inside a bin!'
460
00:26:47,170 --> 00:26:51,689
If you want me in a bin, you're not
getting my best acting as well. It's one or the other.
461
00:26:51,690 --> 00:26:55,249
Do you want best acting, or do you
want me in a bin? You decide.
462
00:26:55,250 --> 00:26:59,089
Fine. So it's, er, lunch.
463
00:26:59,090 --> 00:27:02,290
Thanks for your help.
464
00:27:05,530 --> 00:27:08,529
We're in LA Thursday, if you want
to do dinner. Sounds great.
465
00:27:08,530 --> 00:27:10,569
Maybe I should be
in the chairman's chair.
466
00:27:10,570 --> 00:27:12,448
Maybe there are testicles
down there.
467
00:27:12,449 --> 00:27:13,730
I haven't got testicles.
468
00:27:13,731 --> 00:27:16,009
This is the amount we've arrived at.
469
00:27:16,010 --> 00:27:18,689
Oh, the fucking solicitor!
470
00:27:18,690 --> 00:27:21,529
It was the wrong time for comedy,
I know that now.
471
00:27:23,530 --> 00:27:25,489
Oh, that is so going on YouTube!
472
00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:27,729
You still want to do dinner?
Er, no.
473
00:27:27,730 --> 00:27:29,410
Be awkward, wouldn't it?
474
00:27:32,570 --> 00:27:35,689
This is bloody horrible.
You're making a big mistake.
475
00:27:35,690 --> 00:27:37,889
You should not have crucified me.
476
00:27:37,890 --> 00:27:41,049
I ask you, would you use him?
477
00:27:41,050 --> 00:27:43,689
If I ever wrote
The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.
478
00:27:43,690 --> 00:27:46,129
You think that's inappropriate,
look at this.
479
00:27:46,130 --> 00:27:50,889
I like men who give me pleasure,
and he gave me a lot of pleasure.
480
00:27:50,890 --> 00:27:53,089
You ever fucked on cocaine?
481
00:27:53,090 --> 00:27:57,169
Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her
no good at all.
482
00:27:57,170 --> 00:28:00,090
Yeah, I wanted to cut it.
Or at least give it a quick trim!
483
00:28:00,115 --> 00:28:05,415
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484
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