All language subtitles for Lifes Too Short s01e02 Johnny Depp.eng

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'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an
actor...' Have you heard of a film called Willow? No.

Not many people have, to be
honest. '..An entrepreneur.'

You're hired.

'Soon to be divorced.'

You're supposed to move out.
We're separated. Not really.

'Oh, and I've got
a massive tax bill.'

How am I supposed to make
that much money?

'Today I'm at the biggest science
fiction and fantasy convention in the UK.

'It's the fans' best day ever,

'cos they get to meet their heroes,
and say thanks for everything.

'It's also a great day for me
because, you know,

'I can say thank you for watching.'

My chance to give them something.

That's ?25, please.

There you go. ?25, please. Thank you.

Cheryl? Right.

Hello. Hello. All right?
This is my son Michael.

Hi, Michael. How's it going?
All right? He's got a tumour.

Oh! Sorry to hear that.

He really loves you. He loves
all your films, don't you?

Thank you.

He'd really like a picture.
Yeah, sure.

Shall I put Michael on here?

Thank you so much.
It's really made his day.

Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go.
?25, please.

What?

?25.

You're going to charge us? Yeah.

What, even with his tumour?

It's very sad and everything, but
the sign does say ?25, you know.

I've got to treat everyone the same,

or it's not fair. Anyone could
say they've a tumour.

They wouldn't.

You'd be surprised.
A lot of people would. Who?

Angie Watts did in EastEnders.

You remember? Dirty Den went
mental at her. Rightly so.

OK, but he has got an actual tumour.

So you say. I don't know.

Well, let's assume that he's got
a tumour, because he has. Yeah.

And if it turns out he hasn't,
you can go mental

and I'll send you ?25. How's that?

Everyone's happy. No,
cos I'm not happy. I'm down ?25.

You're the one that's happy. I'm not
happy because he's got a tumour.

But no less so than when you started.
You came here with a tumour,

you're getting more tumours,
whereas I'm without

the ?25 I'm entitled to.
Look at the sign.

I can't believe that
you're being serious.

Once word gets out I'm giving away
pictures to people with tumours,

everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me!
I've got a tumour!" No-one's going to do that!

They're more likely to go, "Wow,
what a nice guy!

"He gives away free pictures
to people with tumours."

Yeah, all right. So you'll make
sure that message gets out then?

Right, um...

Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away
a free picture

to officially diagnosed tumours.
See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see?

I've got a tumour. No, you haven't.

No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.

You haven't got AIDS. Haven't I?

No. To get AIDS, you have
to have had sex at least once.

Good point!

Who's it to?

My mates call me Morpheus.

Do they? No, I haven't got any mates.

Just put Terry.

?25. Thank you very much.

Hiya. Tumour.

Oh, for f...!

Hi. Hi.

We are giant fans,

and we're getting married
in a few weeks.

It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.

Oh, right. We're wondering,
would you be guest of honour?

Er...

When is it? July the 14th.

This year? Yeah. Ah...

Diary is pretty full this year.

Not this year, it's not.
No, there is some stuff in there.

No, the diary's completely empty.
Look. It's not completely empty.

It is, look.
See, it's completely empty.

Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl!
We could pay you, obviously.

I mean, not much. Maybe ?500?

If... If I could squeeze you in - and
it is an if...

what would my duties be?
I mean, would I best man?

No, that's my brother Rob.
Sure he's the right man for the job?

Has he had experience
of public speaking?

He's looking forward to it.
We're best friends.

OK. Well, shall we just say that,
you know, if Rob crashes and burns

and the whole evening falls flat,
then I'll be straight up there to save the day.

OK. If that happens, then sure.
Great!

And if it does happen, it'll be an
extra ?250. Just so you know.

I've got a great Star Wars anecdote
about a certain cast member

who asked me to smuggle cocaine
for her through LAX Airport

cos she said there's not a customs
officer in the world

who wants to stick their finger
up a dwarf's arse.

OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets
on first. It's your special day.

Hi, excuse me. Hiya.

Would you mind being
interviewed for the local news?

Local news? Yeah, sure. Good.

Great. How are you?
Very well, how are you?

Good. Yes, very good.

I didn't actually know who you were.
Oh.

He recognised you. Oh, yeah?
Said you were famous. A bit.

Who are you?

Warwick Davis. So just start on me
and then go over to the, er...

OK. What's your name again?

It's Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis?

Yeah. Davis. Warwick Davis,
Warwick Davis.

Warwick Davis,
I'm here with Warwick Davis.

You were in Star Wars, right?
That's right, yeah.

Let's go. You rolling?

Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut!

Sorry. "Joined with"? What does
that mean? It's OK. It's not OK.

Mistakes like that are why
I'm still at this channel.

Been here three years.

Still doing shitty little interviews
with nobodies.

Let's go again.

What's your name again?
Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.

Warwick Davis. Yeah.

I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star of the Star Wars films.

That is a cut as well.
It was going well.

It's not going well!

Star of the Star Wars films.
Don't patronise me, thank you.

And also don't speak until I've
introduced you. Right? Right. OK.

Camera's on me, I say your name,

then the camera goes on you. Guess
what? That's when you speak. OK.

Say who you are and why you're here.
Then we're done.

Been up since six for this!
OK, we're going here?

Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.

Yeah. Er, I was in
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi,

the Harry Potter films,
playing Flitwick.

I was also in the Leprechaun films,
the first one famously starred

a very young Jennifer Anniston.

You were in a film with
Jennifer Anniston? Yeah.

My God! Any interesting stories?

No, not really.
Fuck's sake! Cut!

OK, what are you doing?

What? Don't set me up with that then
have nothing.

We look like prats. There's no
story. Clutching at straws here!

Well, she's.. You say Jennifer
Aniston, I'll leap on it.

Don't send me down a cul de sac,
right? OK.

Send one more shoddy report this
week, I'm out on my ear.

This doesn't get on telly,
you don't get on telly.

Brilliant! Do yourself a favour.
Have you got both of us in?

Have you just got his head?
It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone.

Can we put him on the table please,
so we can just see...

Well, I don't think I should.
Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf!

What are you doing?

All right, OK, if I just
get on the chair is that OK?

Get on a chair.

OK. Right, you see?

OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.

I'm here with Warwick Davis,
from Star Wars, and others. Go.

Yeah, um, I was in, er,
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi... Yes.

Played Wicket the Ewok.

Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.
Of course.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Yeah. Time Bandits. No, I wasn't in that.

Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf!

Fucking hell!

Cut. Sorry, my bad!

That's my bad, sorry.

Have you got any interesting stories
about, um, about Star Wars?

Well, yeah, I've got a good story
about how my grandmother got me the part.

Shall we do that? OK?

Right. Here we go again.

Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis,
Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.

Go on. How d'you get that part?

I was 11 and my grandmother
was listening to the radio...

Oh, my God, The A-Team van,
the A-Team van.

Good, OK.

He's gone to interview what is
essentially a second-hand car.

Not a massive earner today.
Made 250 quid,

which is why we're going to have
a brainstorming session.

Do you know what that is? It just...
Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right?

Brain storming, OK.

I'll make some notes.

We'll start with number one, OK?

In your own time.

The company is called
Dwarves For Hire. Is that right?

Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.

Why do you have to only do acting?
Could you do other stuff? Such as?

Chimney sweep.

Chimney sweep?
Why am I suddenly doing that?

Well, it used to be children,
didn't it? 100 years ago, yeah.

But it's cruel to send children
up there nowadays, so...

So it's not cruel
to send a dwarf up there?

No, because you're an adult,
aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult.

Yeah, of course I'm an adult,

but I'm also a businessman
and I've been in loads of big films.

Why am I suddenly
running up chimneys?

You wouldn't have to run up there,
I could help you up.

Right so, so your business idea
is you shoving me up a chimney?

Well, you wouldn't actually
necessarily have to go up there at all.

When my gran used to have
her chimney cleaned, the bloke

would come round, cover everything
up with sheets then stick a long brush up there. You could do that.

Right, so now I'm not even
taking advantage of my size.

I'm just a chimney sweep?

Or I could be at the bottom, and
you could be at the end of the pole

cleaning the top of the chimney,
doing a great job,

and people would come round and go,
"Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever!

"How did you do that?"

"I had a dwarf on a pole."

"Which one?" "Warwick Davis."

"Who's Warwick Davis?"
"He's an actor."

"What's he been in?" "Films."

"Which ones?"

"I can't remember.

"These ones."

Right. That idea's safe.

Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".

Good, um, moving on to number two.

You could do other stuff
that's too dangerous for children.

Like what?

You could be used as bait
to catch a paedophile.

Go on. How would this work?

You in a little dress,
with bunches in your hair,

just playing in the woods waiting
for paedophiles to come up to you,

and molest you.

Why am I dressed as a little girl?
Why can't I be a boy?

I don't think
there's any gay paedophiles.

There's loads of gay paedophiles.

Also, they won't have done anything
wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets,

all he's done is give a dwarf
some sweets. That's not illegal.

What happens if a real kid comes over
and wants to play?

I'm a grown man dressed as a little
girl playing with a kid in the woods.

Straight to prison. Next.

You could hide in places too small
for other people to hide in.

I don't even know what job that is.

Forget it.

It's just, it's not working.

Just...

There's nothing come in,
no job offers at all?

No, nothing really. Oh.

Oh. Oh, yeah,
Johnny Depp's agent called.

What?

Give it...

You didn't want to mention this?

'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's
called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.

'Tim is directing, obviously, it
is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.

'Johnny will be playing
Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.' OK.

'But you may know Johnny's
a real method actor,

'he spends a lot of time
researching his roles

'and he wants to meet
and understand what it's like to be a little person.'

Fantastic.
He's made the right decision.

I totally understand what it's like
to be a little person.

'Great! Obviously Johnny
will pay you for your time.

'We thought a week's work,
Monday to Friday, ?1,000 a day.

?5,000?

'Yeah. Is that OK?'

Yeah, that's good, yeah.

'Are you free from Monday
next week?'

Er, let's just, er,
just check the old diary.

Er, it's pretty chocca so, er,
you know, we'll have to shift a few things around.

You've got nothing but a back wax.

Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great.

'Great. Johnny will see you at the
Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.' OK, see you then. Bye.

'Bye.' Oh!

Oh, I can't believe
you're meeting Johnny Depp.

He is my favourite film star.

He's one of the handsomest men
on earth, and he's intelligent,

and brilliant at acting, and rich.

Probably wouldn't go out with me,
though, would he? Probably not.

Course, he's married, isn't he?

He is sadly,
otherwise you'd be straight in there.

Not bad, is it? Being a muse
to one of the biggest movie stars of all time.

I'm not going to tell him
how to say his lines, no.

I'm not going to tell him
how to play a dwarf.

I'm going to tell him how
to be a dwarf,

how to think like a dwarf,
how to feel like a dwarf.

Then they'll use special effects
to make him small like a dwarf.

Team effort.

Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow!

That's perfect. OK. It's perfect.
Yeah you just, just move...

All right? Just go and
do whatever you would normally do.

Crazy little walk. Where do you sit?

On like a chair, sofa? Or like,
er, on the floor, cross-legged?

Can you actually,
can you do cross-legged?

Not really, I just normally
sit in a chair. Really? Yeah. Shall we, shall I sit down?

Yeah, yeah, please, please.

Wow...! He hopped on the chair.

It's, it's great. Cool.

He's kind of like a grub
coming out of an apple,

seeing the world for the first time.

All right.

So may I ask you a question? Mm-hm.
If you were struck by lightning,

bolt of lightning, bam!

Right? Yeah. What do you do?

Dead! Maybe not. OK.

Can I just see you
out of that chair,

on that floor?

Standing here like this? Yeah.

Just you and me.
Yeah. We're standing here talking.

Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang,
bam! Ba!

A bolt of lightning is going to
knock you down. OK.

Bam! Ah! Oh! Stand up.

Fucking stand up. That's great.

Ah! That noise! Yeah. Noise is
fantastic. Let's do the noise again.

Cool, right.

Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Agh! Aghhhh! That's fantastic!
Oh, God that's great! Yeah, cool. That's really great.

It's like a... it's like a
weird baby crow that's been left by its mother,

and the little legs started
flailing.

Did they? And, er... Yeah, they did.
Sorry, I'm just making notes.

Have you heard of,
erm... Michael Flatley?

Er, yeah. Yes, hmm.

The Lord Of The Dance. Oh, yeah.

Right. Here we go, you and me.
Yeah. What are we going to do? The Lord Of The Dance.

Faster.

Fucking give me passion.

No, come on!

That's not Michael Flatley.

Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.
Lord Of The Dance! Yeah.

Faster. Faster. More, more!

So, there's one scene,

er... that I need to see,

cos at one point

Rumpelstiltskin
climbs up through the sewers...

Right... to escape the villagers.

OK. OK? Yeah. Yeah.

How do you want to do that?

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, God! It's far too much.

It's an evil toilet dwarf.

Yeah.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! OK.

Ugh! Ooo-ugh!

How do you feel?

Erm, feet are a bit wet,
to be honest.

So what is a typical day for you?

Um. I want to see what you do,
I want to see what you do. How you do it.

What you do?
Same as you probably, really.

Um, just
sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting. Mm.

Um, hanging out with famous people,
sort of thing.

Like, who like?

Other dwarves, like tiny men?

Sometimes. Er, yeah.
But, I mean, today,

I'm going to cruise down and meet
a couple of good friends of mine...

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

Ricky Gervais?

Mm hm.

Can I come with you?

Sure, yeah. Yeah.

Good. Let's do it, yeah? Yeah.

There they are, the lads.

Hi. Hello, lads.
So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I?

Seems like it, yeah.
Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen.

Hello, pleased to meet you. No.

And Ricky there. I actually
remember him from the Golden Globes.

Hi. Yeah. How's it going?

I'm fine.
Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money...

probably a lot more money than
any film you've ever... ahem... made.

Good.

And you?

Er, yeah just, just writing,
I write and direct all my own stuff.

How great for you.

That must be so great. I'm working
with a great director - Tim Burton.

Have you ever heard of him?

Of course. Yeah.

And the film itself is really
brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character.

Do you have any idea who my
leading lady is on this film?

Erm, in the Tim Burton film?
Um, yeah.

Helena Bonham Carter?

How d'you know? Stab in the dark.

She thinks you're an idiot. Sorry,
have I done something to offend you?

What do you mean, like,

trashing me in front of 200 million
people at the Golden Globes?

That was a while ago,
they were jokes, Johnny...

Oh, they were jokes? Yeah.
You like jokes? Yes.

Good, cos I got together with
a few pals, after the awards,

and we wrote some jokes...

about you.

And I want you to know this,
I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days.

No-one makes fun of Tim Allen
on my watch...

and gets away with it.

Don't say anything, just keep
that in you, OK?

Here are my jokes.

What is nastier
than Ricky Gervais's jokes?

His teeth!

Why do people instantly dislike
Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Why did Ricky Gervais
do a series of audio books?

So that the blind
could hate him as well.

Now, this is from Angelina.

"Tell Ricky Gervais that me
and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece,

"because it keeps
the kids away from the fire."

And why isn't
Ricky Gervais circumcised?

Because there's no end
to that prick.

Did you quit Twitter recently?

Well, about two years ago.

But you quit Twitter? Yeah.
Right. Yes.

And did you quit because it only
has 140 characters?

Well, the joke I made
at the time was I'm so verbose

that I can't say everything in
140 letters, so...

Right. Do the joke. What's the joke?

I hear that Ricky Gervais quit
Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters.

Well, that's 139 more characters

than he's ever come up with.

Good joke. The telling of it
took about as long as long as

Pirates Of The Caribbean 3,
but yeah, it's a good joke.

You're laughing.

Well, it's just...

You fucking laughed. Mm...
What, are you dissing Pirates now?

No. Really? It's a good movie,
I thought it was...

Just a bit long though,
which he picked up on.

People love that movie. Oh, yeah.

What is wrong with you people?

Seriously, why do you pick
on movie stars? What have I done wrong?

Picking on..
I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people.

Sure. Give joy to the masses. Right.

Is that a crime? Is that a crime?

Seriously.

No..

No.

No more.

No more.

These Hollywood stars are so
touchy, aren't they?

Tell me about it.

Well, that's five grand
down the drain!

Still, I've got that wedding on
Saturday and that's cash in hand.

Pick yourself up,
dust yourself down, Warwick.

Onwards and upwards!

Five grand, though!

Well, here he is. Hello.
Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick.

Where's your Ewok outfit? My...?

Ewok outfit, where is it?

What do you mean? Well, obviously
we want you dressed as an Ewok.

What do you mean, obviously?
Why else would we invite you? For my celebrity status?

I invite dwarves to my wedding
willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table.

You didn't bring the Ewok costume.

Why would I walk
around with a costume?

That was for a film.
Why do you actually need me?

Anyone could walk around
dressed as an Ewok.

That's not Dave Prowse, and that's
not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.

Yeah, it is actually. Is it?

Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.

My future wife is expecting to see
an Ewok at her wedding.

You want me to,
magic up an Ewok costume?

Could get like a bear outfit...

Ewoks aren't bears.
Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it?

What am I? A pair of pyjamas?

I've got a big toy bear my brother
won at the fair. I could get that.

Would you mind?
No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time.

Great, yes, get the stinky bear.
Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.

And, finally, just like to say
a few words about

Emma's grandmother, Vera, who
sadly passed away very recently.

We're certain that she's looking
down on us today wishing them all the love in the world,

so please raise your glasses
as we toast the bride and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on a minute, hang on.

Let's not go out on a dead gran,
let's have a bit of a laugh here.

Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.

Oh! Thank you very much.
I will take that.

I'd just like to say a few words.
Let's end on a high...

That's a good effort but a bit
depressing for a wedding.

I'm Warwick and I'm the other
best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself!

The groom is not just a huge
fan of mine but he's also a huge

a cricket fan and I know he's
been waiting to find out the Test results.

It's all right, mate,
they're negative!

And there's only one thing that's
hit more balls

than Ian Botham's bat,
and that's Emma's chin!

Traditionally, the best man's speech
is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes.

Which is exactly what Nigel does
to Emma in bed.

I mean, he makes her feel
uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed.

Not cos he's making her do something
she doesn't want to do,

like forcing her to do anal.

OK.

Um, er, and looking around
the room you know I can see

you're thinking if I'm the best man,
why is Nigel marrying Emma?

Cos I didn't get her pregnant.

What's, what's the matter
with her, what...?

She can't have kids. What?

She can't have children.

There's no way I could
have known she's barren.

This is ridiculous.

It's ridiculous,
you've got to chill out, honestly.

You don't know how lucky
you are to have me here.

Twat!

Big laughs and thanks for that.

So...

Emma's gran.

Emma's gran.

Emma's gran.

She needs a drink!

'What a week!

'It started off so well.'

Star of a convention,
didn't make any money.

Then Johnny Depp comes along,
supposed to get five grand, I blow that.

And then get paid to come
to a wedding - blew that.

What am I doing?

Sometimes I seriously think
I should just give up this lark and get a proper job.

What could you do instead?

There's the rub.

You're stealing the best roles
for yourself.

It's really hard to act opposite
this, given the way it looks.

I just said, first off
get a bra that fits...

She's weak minded and vulnerable
and easily persuaded.

That's how he got her, yes.

He's more your run-of-the-mill
kind of chap.

What's all this?
We want to talk to you.

I can't have its face staring at me.
It?!

Can we lose the face?

Right, that's one
for Great Ormond Street.

Signed DVDs of The Office,
only ?30. Signed by Ricky Gervais.

And then Save the Children
and that one's Help The Aged.

Thanks for doing this, Rick.

It's amazing how much they'll raise.

Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.
Excellent, just dump it there.

Yeah, we've got coffee,
and we have sandwiches.

Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going
to ask you, for a quote for the office.

Ooh, the most important sitcom
of a generation.

Er cheers. No, um...

I meant a quote to paint the office.

Three hundred?

That's cheap. It is, yeah.

Four. Well, you said three just now.

I... Yeah, I'll give you four.

Cheers. It's your money.

It's still cheap, innit?

It is, yeah.

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