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Kr�d's comrades knew that to buoy his sunken spirits,

they had to thrust their warrior friend into a battleground

more treacherous than any he'd faced in his blood-soaked past -

the Hessemeel singles scene.

- It is on tonight! - Hello, girls!

- Magic is in the air, fellas. - You know what?

- I'm gonna catch up with you later. - No, no, no.

- I don't feel like... - Kr�d.

I know you're hurting, terrified, maybe even a tinge bewildered,

but if life has taught me anything, it's this,

the only way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

- Really? Like... So...under? - Don't be a literalist.

Quasto! Use your indoor manners!

Sorry. I'm very itchy. Zez has made me bung up my musk gland.

- Zez! - Yes, I did make him bung it up,

'cause the damn thing attracts a skanky class of female.

I'll tell you something, Quasto,

I'm not settling for nothing less than top-shelf wenches. That's it!

Argh! I'm so weak.

- Unbung it, unbung it. - (Laughs)

Let the funk out. We're goin' ugly early. Hey!

- Seriously, can we just get out of here? - Kr�d, why the negative head space?

Think about what all these ladies are seeing.

Arguably the hottest man in Hessemeel just walked through that door.

- Well... - And you are standing next to him.

Eventually, they're gonna notice you.

I don't know why you didn't let me manscape you.

- Yeah, I do. - Maybe a little bit of guyliner.

No, no! Bruce, I'm good.

- Bruce! Bruce! - Please, Kr�d...

Hey.

- Did you see that? - Yes, game on.

OK, you march over there.

Be fun, be flirty, be fabulous.

But, Kr�d, look at me. Seriously.

Under no circumstances are you to mention Aneka.

So I've listed Aneka's pros and cons

and, well, let's face it, there are some...

- (Man) Oi! Psst! - ..serious cons. But...

Come on!

You know, as crazy as it sounds, I think the pros have it.

I mean, I just believe we belong together. You know, I mean...

The Myrmidons have raided the Pagan Village! They took all our women!

- (All) Oh! - No, no.

Somebody shot him in his arse.

No. Mm-mm.

- His onions? - No. It...

It kinda looks like they split the difference.

Oh, that's it!

They can raid our villages,

they can burn our crops,

they can steal our cattle,

but I refuse to live in a world where good men

are shot in the anus...

es...es...

- What? What is that? - Anuseses.

- It's anii. - You put too many s's on it.

- Anus...s...s... - No, no, no. But he did es, es.

Shot in the anus...sss.

(Quasto) The bigger the anus, the more s's.

Travel well, friend. I swear as long as I have blood in my veins

and the strength to grip steel, you will not have died in vain!

- (Groans) - Oh!

Master, he's alive.

Put some pressure on the wound.

Um... I...

Medic! Is there a medic here?

You would think there would be a medic around here.

Aneka, I came as soon as I heard.

(Sobs)

- Good, as long as you... Yep. - Hey.

- Is it just me or was she hobbling? - Oh, aye!

She's not hobbling.

- She's... She's grief-stricken. - OK.

- Why would she be hobbling? - That's what I'm asking you.

I peeked in the latrine, Kr�d.

Ralph is voluminous.

She was riding a horse.

- More like a stallion. - Helpful.

I was born in that hut.

I mastered my weapons in this arena.

I had my first three-way beneath that elm.

- Ooh! - I had mine beneath Eduardo.

Who would do something like this?

Dongalor.

This raid is simply evidence of his remorseless attempt

to acquire The Eye of Gulga Grymna.

I was just thinking the same damn thing.

That's weird. We got, like, a warlock mind-meld going on.

The Eye of what?

The Eye of Gulga Grymna was the most powerful weapon of ancient times.

Oh!

How d'ya do that? How'd he do that?

Quasto! You don't question a warlock about his magic.

Takes the beauty out of it.

- It's lovely. - Go ahead, man, it's all yours.

Sorry.

A seven-tonne ball of granite, crisscrossed with sluices designed...

Ooh! No, it, uh...

It started to wobble.

I should... I should have used my eye energy instead of my hand.

But I know that for the next time...

when we do this and the ball comes out.

Once activated,

it could generate enough cosmic energy to annihilate entire cities,

countries, even civilizations.

But I thought the Eye was destroyed centuries ago.

Correct. Under the Truce of the Ancients,

it was decreed that it should be dismantled.

Great! So what are we worried about?

- Ah... - OK, what?

Kr�d, did you happen to read the intelligence reports

in the Elite Resistance Council welcome pack?

You know, it was my weekend read,

and, uh, things got crazy so I, um...

Understandable. Grimshank.

The Eye was buried deep in the earth.

- The focal stone thrust into... - Mmm!

- ..a volcano on the Alluvion Plain. - Ay, ay, ay!

And magical protections were placed on its liquid fuel source.

- Uh-oh! Liquid! - Bruce...seriously?

Unfortunately for mankind,

Dongalor has acquired not only the Eye but also the focal stone.

Friends, the gravity of this moment is incalculable.

(Farting)

(Grunts) Sorry about that.

- That slipped out, that. - Oh, come on, Quasto... No!

- My mouth was open! - Get a bit of that, eh?

- This is not happening. - It's all right.

In fact, the blame lies with me.

I fed your earthy companion cabbages at lunch.

Why didn't you just give him gunpowder, Ralph?

- If I may be allowed to continue? - Please.

Please continue.

All Dongalor needs now is the fuel,

a liquid so rare, it has not been seen in ten generations.

The tears of a full-blooded Fennec Pagan woman.

Then we're safe. Pagan women don't cry.

True.

Your stoic nature is our last line of defense against Dongalor.

But your stoic nature may not be enough.

Dongalor will stop at nothing to acquire the tears.

Harder!

Longer!

Faster!

So nothing can make your precious Pagan tears fall, eh?

Ha!

We'll see about that.

They say you never lose your feel for the blade.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Eh? Eh?

Damn it! This is a waste of time!

And onions. Oh!

Come on, Barnabus.

Aneka, you are one of the few pure-blooded Pagan women remaining alive.

Sooner or later, Dongalor will come for you.

Ralph, I suggest that you spirit her away for safety.

Or - or - or if you're busy, I - I could spirit her...

No man will spirit me anywhere.

I suggest your villa at Lake Cormada.

- You have a villa? - He's got a villa, Kr�d!

It's a shack, really. It's somewhere I breed my horses...

- and paint. - You paint?

- He paints, Kr�d! - He probably paints in the nude.

- On a horse. - A big horse.

- We should ride immediately, yah? - And we'll ride escort. Immediately.

No, Kr�d, I'm afraid I have another mission for you and the dream team here.

What's that? What do you mean? What's that?

We're like the dream of the team.

- Good luck. Farewell, my friends. - OK, all right, farewell.

Hey, hey! If you want, I could put a curse on his downstairs area.

I'm only saying that 'cause I've got a feeling that's gonna be a busy place.

- Do it. - I can't.

I didn't think you was going to say yes.

Kr�d, make haste to the Hessemeel Mountains.

I'm sorry? What?

- Did he say Hessemeel? No. - Mm-hm.

No. No way. We're not gonna do that.

You've got to travel through the Forest of Certain Death.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Ooh, no, no.

Fear not.

That name was just given by the local farmers

who found they couldn't grow a certain type of herb there.

Still, people have died there. I'm not talking about regular deaths.

I'm talking about horrible, nasty deaths.

I'm not disputing that.

I'm just trying to clear up a common misconception.

It's not an argument!

On the north slope of the Hessemeel Mountain

you will come to the Doomsday Beacon.

- Doomsday. - A solitary tower

atop of which is a mahogany pyre.

Spell mahogany for me.

(Sighs)

This is the key to the stairway door.

Thanks, yeah.

You climb the stairs and light the pyre at exactly noon tomorrow.

Got it.

The smoke from the beacon will alert resistance leaders everywhere

and inform them that Dongalor is about to activate

a weapon of mass destruction.

An early warning system. That's brilliant.

No, Kr�d. Elementary.

Fundamental to our survival.

I was trying to pay you a compliment.

- Well, try paying attention. - Ooh.

Slam.

- Oh-oh! In your face! - Got you.

Now, can I trust you with that key?

You know, I'm not a child.

Where is your sword?

- You left it on the potty. - Right.

- Oh, come on, Kr�d. - No, but, you know,

it's very difficult to go with a sword.

And the fate of the resistance rests in your hands.

I weep at the prospect.

Just give me the damn key!

- You have the damn key! - You put it in your bag.

- I can't see it. - OK, yeah.

- You put it in your bag. - I got it, I got it.

(Quasto) Was it on the potty?

- (Squawking) - Argh!

Zez!

- What's up, Kr�d? - Can I have a word?

- Zez, we're in a magical realm here, OK? - Yeah, I know.

- As my warlock, you gotta set the tone! - Yeah.

- No more screaming. - Screaming? What...?

Oh, you refer to my war cry?

- (Squawking) - Argh!

- Zez, it's OK, it's OK. - OK, listen to me.

Truth be told, we are dealing with powers here

that may be greater than my own, all right?

(Sniffs)

Does anybody smell that?

In my defense, there was a deadly tarantula on my shoulders,

and y'all know me and spiders ain't never been right.

OK, it was a ladybug. And it's still there.

- Well, then get it off if it's on me! - OK, it's off!

Master, quick! Come and see this.

Wait! Wait! We go as a group, Kr�d.

- Oh. - Oh, no.

All right, that about does it for me. So long, everybody, it's been fun.

(Screams)

- OK, guys. Circle up, circle up. - Yeah, yeah.

Bruce. The touching.

OK, so you want more of it or less of it?

Less.

Come no closer, wenches, or I swear I'll draw my blade.

- Whip it out, Kr�d. Whip it out! - Declare yourselves.

Please help. They tried to kill us.

- Who? - Banshees.

They set upon us and killed the men in our party.

It was horrible.

- (Sobs) - What?

Damn banshees!

That's it, lean on my chest, take comfort in my strength.

Excuse me, boys. Time out.

- Quasto. - I can't believe they would touch you.

- (Kr�d) Zez! - Yes, yes. Shh! Don't you move.

- What's a banshee? - I don't know.

Sh! I don't like where this is going.

'Cause it's gonna end with sex between men and women.

Look at that corpse. He's a big guy.

And those girls got away? It doesn't add up.

Bruce, what is your problem, OK?

These poor, insanely hot, beautiful women need our help. Where's your compassion?

- Where's your common sense? - Bruce is right.

No, Bruce is gay!

- Oh! - Hey, hey, hey!

The warrior, the warlock and the Grobble will make worthy vessels,

but the fey one seems suspicious.

I think I know something that'll remove his doubts.

Hey! Let's just be careful.

(Woman) Todd, you escaped.

Barely.

I think I just found my compassion.

- Agh! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

(Aneka) Ralph!

(Ralph) Anekaaaaaah!

That was spectacular!

This is all so foreign to me.

I mean, I have never been one

who grows easily attached to anyone or anything, but...

I don't know, I just...

I feel so comfortable being here...

with you.

(Snoring)

Ralph.

- Ralph! - What, what?

I'm sorry. Were you saying something?

Oh, it...it's not important.

- Maybe we should get some rest. - Oh, no, no, no.

I'm utterly exhausted, and to be brutally honest,

like all men I tend to get my best rest alone.

So if you would be a dear and shimmy on down the hall,

my servants will show you to the paramour's quarters.

- Paramour's quarters? - Yes.

Airy, lake view, full bidet facilities.

But... But I don't understand.

Am I nothing more to you than a paramour?

- A common mistress? - (Laughs)

Had you assumed otherwise?

Oh.

You had. Forgive me, Aneka.

I've been a cad, which I can assure you was not my intention.

I simply assumed we shared a mutual interest in carnal pleasure.

Past experience has always led me to believe...

that was the Pagan way.

I'm so terribly sorry. Please, take my kerchief.

No, thank you.

Pagan women don't cry.

Remember?

All right, guys, listen up. This is not a drill.

It is on tonight, fellas. We are bumping bellies. Do you hear me?

I don't know if I'll be bumping a belly, but let's all be responsible.

- Yeah. - Does everyone have protection?

I'm kinda purifying my warlock essence with abstinence,

so I'm not really packing any sheepskin at the moment.

- I'm packing extra. - My man!

All right.

Oh, just the one.

What, am I supposed to sleep in that, Quasto?

So that's why they say "Once you go Grobble, you hobble."

Oh, aye.

Don't let them see that 'cause they're gonna expect us all

to have the same type of equipment.

How my eyebrows look, Bruce?

Like mine.

OK.

Papa said we can't afford to keep you any more

because he can barely pay for Mama's coffin as it is.

And with sister sick and dying,

he's gonna have to pay for another box real soon.

Go on, boy. Get out of here.

I said get!

I don't want you anyway, you old bag of bones. Go on!

(Sobs)

Poor little boy!

Do you not understand the emotional underpinnings of the scene?

This boy loves his dog!

His father is forcing him into this!

(Sobs)

Barnabus, have the boy's father killed.

Sire, he's just an actor. You wrote the scene for him.

Still, that pain must come from somewhere.

Oh, toss the boy off a bridge,

stick a pole in the dog, we'll use it as a mop.

(Whimpers)

(They laugh)

I've met warlocks before, but never one so brave and powerful.

(Laughs) Yeah, I'm real strong.

You know, it's real easy to get pigeonholed in my line of work.

That's why I try to blur that line between warrior and warlock.

I'm more of a hyphenate, if you ask me.

Oh, forgive my boldness, but may I kiss you?

I'm sorry!

- You must think I'm a harlot. - What? I think you're a...

Girl, you better stop it.

(Laughs)

Kiss away.

(Laughs) Lest I glimpse judgment in your eyes.

(Zez) Mm-mm! Mm!

You're going to be a lively little devil, aren't you?

I have met women before who are Grobble-curious.

It's just nice to meet somebody who...who actually,

well, wants to be with me.

May I kiss you?

Oh. Mind my wisdom tusk.

It's abscessed.

(Moaning)

We'll call him Todd Junior.

Oh.

Anyway, I know you'd have just loved my dad.

I mean, he had a gruff exterior,

but inside he was just a big marshmallow.

(Laughs) Your family sounds wonderful.

And what about you? Are you family oriented?

Actually, yes.

I hope to have one of my own someday...

- Oh. - ..soon.

May I...kiss you, Kr�d?

Ah, yeah! Sure.

Wait! I...

I don't know. I just...

Something just doesn't feel right.

I was only asking for a kiss.

No, I know, but, well, to be perfectly honest...

I'm just not over Aneka.

I can't do it to you, Mara. It wouldn't be fair.

I'm not looking for fair. Kiss me!

- Hey! No means no! - You will host my child!

Your child?

Hey, I have no problem with single mothers,

I just wish you'd been honest with me

instead of trying to trick me into a relationship.

And when he hatches, your carcass will be his cradle.

Kiss me.

Hatches? Carcass? Guys!

Careful, boys, I think we're dealing with succubuseses... Succubuses...

- (All drone) Succubi! - Guys...

Guys! Guys! What the hell's going on?

So strong.

You'll make a worthy hossssst.

Nooooooo!

- Thank you! - Hey.

I got your thanks right here!

No, stop! I'm not one of them.

Yeah, sure you're not. You just tried to tongue-rape my face!

Because I was under their spell. I was kidnapped.

They were using me to make devil spawn.

By killing them, you freed me.

Yeah, I'm not buying it.

Then do it.

Kill me.

For what it's worth, Kr�d, Aneka was a fool to let you go.

I know, right?

It's just she's so damn hard-headed...

Go to hell!

- Harsh. - What? It's where she's from.

OK, guys, we gotta go. The beacon, come on.

Master, we are knackered.

Why don't we do this tomorrow, eh?

No, we can't, it's almost noon.

Kr�d, a bit of sensitivity. I just miscarried.

We won't even get there on time. Do you even have the key?

Yeah!

No, no. Oh, gods!

I'm such an idiot! This is not my fault, I was battling demons!

We're here having babies and you can't keep a key?

Wait, wait. Guys, guys. Come with me.

Come on.

- I did it! - There's your beacon lit, Grimshank!

- What else you got? - Yeah!

Come on! We did it!

(Explosion)

What'd you do?

That doesn't seem right, does it?

- (Knock on door) - Come in!

Aneka.

Forgive the intrusion, but I have terrible news.

Kr�d and his men were ambushed

by Dongalor's guards at the Doomsday Beacon.

There were no survivors.

Kr�d is dead?

I'm sorry.

I know you loved him dearly.

I will leave you to your grieving.

(Sobs)

- (Whips crack) - (Dongalor) Harder! Longer! Faster!

(Clears throat) Forgive the intrusion, sire.

Yes. I - I...

I'm just getting inside their heads

to learn what might make their precious tears fall.

Yes, well, I come with rather good news in that regard, sire.

Kr�d M�ndoon is dead.

The tears have been procured.

Joy! This calls for a celebration!

Shall I inform the wine steward and slaughter a fatted calf?

No, you shall leave now and tell no one of the goings-on here.

Yes, of course.

Ladies, back to position one.

Harder! Longer!

Oh, yes. Thank you.

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