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(Narrator) Though well versed in all manner of guerrilla warfare,

Kr�d's tactic of choice, the supply line raid -

choking the lifeblood from the oppressor's regime

one cargo shipment at a time.

But Kr�d knew well his success depended on nerve,

focus and flawless execution.

Zez! Get back in position.

No, no. Quasto wearing assless chaps, man.

Normal pants chafe my tail.

Cut him some slack, Zez. The guy's got a tail.

So why don't you come sit underneath this chocolate starfish

in a stress position, Kr�d?

That is not a starfish - that is my musk gland.

Let me tell you something - I don't care what it is, I saw a heartbeat.

- Until he covers it up, I'm out. - Can we just clear this up, please?

You said that on a Friday, we could wear

- whatever we want. - Yeah...

That's why Bruce gets to wear his tummy teaser.

Jealous much?

Guys, guys. This is an ambush!

Kr�d, you said as long as I covered my nipples

and manscaped my treasure trail, I could let loose my Bruce.

What? Never in my life have I ever said "manscape" and "treasure bush".

- He would never say... - Are you calling me a liar?

Guys, guys... Guys!

We're here to intercept the imperial payroll shipment, OK?

So forgive me if I'm all business,

but I'm really not in the mood to play fashion police.

Oh, really? Then why did you try and get me to wear a chastity belt?

No. Now, Aneka, that is not a chastity belt.

That is state-of-the-art vaginal armor.

Yeah, well, I'll take my chances.

Well, you wouldn't have to take chances

if you'd just follow some simple guidelines.

Is it so hard to wear underwear?

It is if you've got a tail.

I don't wanna get hit with grobble droppings.

I'm not opening the discussion up to everyone.

We are here to do a job!

Oh, great! Oh, that's just great!

Congratulations. You just killed Casual Friday!

Ay, no! Kr�d, please.

No, no. Stick a sword in it, it's done.

Kr�d M�ndoon.

Who's asking?

Of course. Our last encounter left little time for introduction.

I'm Ralph Longshaft.

Spelt "Ralph", pronounced "Rafe".

Wait, you're the Ralph Longshaft?

Wow, your autobiography, Ralph On Ralph,

is the reason I picked up a sword for the cause.

Man crush!

Stop. And this is my esteemed warlock and dear friend, Grimshank.

Oh! How you doing?

Kr�d, we tracked you here because the ERC...

- The Elite Resistance Council. - Of course.

..is meeting tomorrow in the Frenulum Catacombs

at the base of Mount Hood to discuss strategy in a post-Arcadius world.

As his prot�g�, I believe you should be part of that discussion.

Grimshank, the invitation.

It was in his sleeve.

Until tomorrow. Grimshank, away.

Oh, ow! My eyes.

- Wow! - That...That was a stumper.

Did he slice the earth? What...

(Eagle cry)

What news, Barnabus?

Well, the bounty on M�ndoon has been lifted by your official decree.

And everything else - excuse me - is unfolding according to plan.

- Oh! - Oh?

Well, come, come, sire.

The Eye of Gulga Grymna will soon be fully operational.

This is the fulfillment of your five-year plan.

I thought you'd be happy.

And I am. I am, Barnabus.

But what good is the power to destroy humanity

if I have no one to share it with?

I miss her, Barnabus. I miss her so.

Who, sire?

My angel. My beloved.

The wench from the village with the big cans and the "hump me" eyes.

Yes, of course. Was she not last seen absconding with Lord Roderick?

Yes, but what can he bench?

Oh, touch�, sire, touch�.

And you're not deterred by the age difference?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You take your own age, cut it in half, add seven.

Anything higher than that is socially acceptable, yes? Try it.

Isn't it perfect? Yes.

- And then you can, um... - Yes, well...lovely.

I just, you know, hope you've not mistaken infatuation for love.

What do you know of love?

You've never even been in a long-term relationship!

True. I was only married for a short time before you beheaded my wife.

Only because she was unfaithful to you.

- With you, sire. - Well, she initiated,

- at the autumnal solstice. - After you spiked her punch

- and goaded her into sexual role play. - Oh, yes. I did. Yes.

Ha-ha-ha! I'd forgotten that, yes.

Yes, well, it was a test.

Oh.

And she failed. I saved you a lot of heartache.

Yes, well, my infant sons and I thank you.

Thank me by finding her, Barnabus.

Find my soul wench.

Right...abs, I think.

Wow, guys, look at this.

This is like a Who's Who of legendary warriors.

Look, you got Santtu Mooseknuckle, Thaddeus the Hammer,

Gustav the Short and Curly. And they've summoned me.

Me!

- As they should, huh? - Thanks, man.

You?

You. So, uh, you plan to go before the Council without...me?

- Uh...yeah. - You know what?

- Fine, it's fine. Go alone. - Great, thanks. I will.

- That's what you want. - And fight alone.

- What? - And fulfill the prophecy alone.

And die alone, for all I care.

- I'd never let you die alone, master. - Thanks, Quasto.

Because I was under the impression that we needed each other

to save the resistance, but apparently I was mistaken.

No, no, you're right, you're right.

We'll go to the ERC together,

and I'll make sure they know we stand as one.

Remove her from these premises!

Can do. Let's go, Aneka.

Look, uh...

the reason that I brought her with me is, uh...

we have a special kind of relationship.

Oh. Special. Special how? Are you her mistress?

(Laughter)

- Hey, you watch it, pal. - Or what, you limp-haired mongrel?

I'm sorry, you're attacking my hair?

With all due respect, Gustav the Short and Curly,

you have pubic hair atop your head!

Yes, swine, and you have no pubic hair atop your head!

Yeah, that's right.

Wait, what? I just have normal hair atop my head.

That's what you're supposed to have, right?

No, pubic hair belongs everywhere.

(Men chattering)

Gentlemen, gentlemen...gentlemen!

There is no right or wrong place for pubic hair.

Well, actually, by definition, I'm thinking, you know...

Let us agree to disagree

and focus on our business here today.

Now, the passing of Arcadius

has left Hessemeel's seat on the Council wide open.

Kr�d, earlier today I nominated you to replace him.

Wow! Oh, my gods!

This is arguably the greatest moment of my life.

- Your nomination was rejected. - Why?

However, the Council did agree to a compromise.

Your admission and, by rightful extension,

Aneka's admission to our ranks

will be conditional upon a successful completion of a test of valor.

- We accept. - Well...

probably find out what it is first. Uh, what is this test?

You must retrieve the Bloodstone of Alluvia,

the largest diamond in the known world.

Its sale could fund the resistance for a decade.

It's believed to lie here on the Alluvian Plain

deep in the lair of a dreaded Cyclops. Hundreds have died in its pursuit.

And I'll wager mentulas to mince pies you'll join them.

Mark me well, Council.

We'll vanquish this Cyclops. We'll fetch you the Bloodstone.

And by the gods, I will lay it here upon that very table.

And then...

then I'm coming back here and I'm gonna to shear your pubic dome bare

with molten steel, and then I'm gonna douse your smoldering scalp

with hot jets of urine straight from my...

Security!

No, wait! It's OK, there's no need for security. I'm good.

Long live the, uh, resistance.

Mmm...

How anyone can resist is beyond me.

Mr. Universe, I think.

Sire, forgive me, I, um...

I come with news of your soul wench.

Yes, she's to be wed this weekend to Lord Roderick at Castle Braynehang.

Daggers! Ready the carriage. We ride tonight to Braynehang!

Oh, and Barnabus, fill up the travel flagons,

grab some munchies, we'll make it a road trip.

"Oh, hello. I'm Lord Roderick. What's your problem?"

Fearlessly, they raced across the Alluvian Plain.

But none of them knew what horrors awaited them

inside that strange purple cave.

(Kr�d) Shh! Careful, guys.

Right now our only advantage is the element of surprise.

Ooh, I love surprises!

- Back up, one eye. - Or what, dimples?

You'll stick that thing in me? Aren't you a wild one?

Join me for nibbles and mojitos.

Fresh mint.

Weapons at the ready. If you get the chance, take this guy out.

I'd love a chance to take him out.

- I bet he has stories. - Bruce!

Dig in, everybody. As usual, I've made way too much.

Pass me the ponzu sauce, love.

What, is that the orange one?

Nope, that's chutney. Ponzu's brown.

OK, what's going on here?

Are you or are you not the dreaded Cyclops of Alluvia?

The dreaded Cyclops of Alluvia

is my father. Please, call me Cy.

Hello, Cy. I'm Loquasto.

Hey, Quasto, no buddy-buddy stuff. We don't know what this guy's up to yet.

Well, as you can see, I'm unarmed.

- Oh! - Oh, damn!

- Oh, no! - I beg to differ.

Guys, focus! We're here for the Alluvian Bloodstone.

That old hunk of junk? Take it.

It was my father's.

We never saw eye to eye.

He despised my decadence.

I didn't share his blood lust. C'est la vie.

Well...

So, what, we can just take that and...?

Go?

That's why you came.

I get it.

No one wants to have cocktails and nosh with a one-eyed monster.

Uh-uh.

And so I drink alone.

Again.

Sometimes I wonder why it's called "happy hour".

Ai, Kr�d, he's lonely. He feels like a monster.

- He is a monster! - Who could have killed us,

- but didn't. - Yet. Yet!

I cannot stress that enough. Get the stone.

He made ponzu. That's like the least evil of all the sauces.

- Kr�d...? - Come on, Kr�d.

Quasto, test the food for poison.

Oh, that is lovely. That is lovely.

OK, look. One mojito, a couple of snacks,

- and then we hit the bricks. Agreed? - Agreed.

No! You don't have my agreed, no!

(Laughing)

OK.

O...K.

Aneka, truth or dare?

Truth.

Have you ever gotten busy with a Cyclops?

(Bruce) Cyclops! One eye! Hello!

Um...

Um? Um?

That's not an automatic no?

Ooh, I once lay with a troll who'd lost an eye in battle.

Does that count?

It most certainly does not, my dear.

It counts as the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

I mean, where do you draw the line? Trolls?

Obviously there's no line.

Gods! I mean, have you ever sixty-nined an ogre?

Teabagged an ork? Tossed a hobgoblin's salad?

Master, you're only allowed one question at a time,

- and it's not your turn yet. - Zezelryck, truth or dare?

You know what, Cy?

I'm... Go ahead. I'm gonna pass, just keep it going around.

- Oh, come on, you're such a coward. - Bitch.

OK, um, 'cause of the name calling, all right, I'll..., uh, dare.

Cy, I'm gonna go with dare.

Fantastic!

I dare you to go under the water

and breathe through my flesh snorkel.

- Oh, OK! Party time! - Well, you win.

Cyclops wins! Game over.

Oh, my gods, you swing both ways.

- You're a... - Biclops. Guilty.

Although I've never been one for labels.

Well, I suppose you could call me a foodie.

Ohh...

Are you guys buzzed?

- No, I'm good. - I am so buzzed.

I can see straight, I'm fine.

Shall we go lie by the fire?

Break out the lotion and just get a little weird?

OK, let's do it.

I can't even put lotion on, I don't think, Kr�d.

You know what, Cy? This has been fun.

But I think we should probably just get going.

All good things must come to an end.

Hang your suits on the drying rack. I'll go and fetch you some warm towels.

- Great! - Thank you.

- Thank you, Cy. - Hey, shall I say it?

Great guy. Great guy.

"Shall I say it?" Weird!

OK, he's a freak. Break out the lotion? Next to the fireplace?

He's sick, man! Let's get the hell out of here, Kr�d.

- He is a bit freaky. - Towels!

Oh, hey!

Cy, I love how you've integrated organic elements

with a bold modern flair. You have a great eye.

Thanks. Like everything in my life,

I like to combine unusual elements.

This candelabra's a nice piece.

- What's it made of? - Femurs.

Or is it tibias?

What's this bone right here?

It's party time!

Hey! No! Wait! Cy, come on!

Who could've predicted this, huh? Hmm?

- Well, hello there. - Ow!

Ooh, did she hurt you? Shall I kill her?

- No! She's my mother. - Ooh.

Biological or step?

Step, I guess. My blood mother...died in childbirth.

Phew!

Because that is not much to look at.

Mother, go.

Yes, shoo. Away, woman.

What are you doing here?

Forgive me. I feel as helpless and as vulnerable as a turtle

after I've ripped off its shell.

OK, here goes.

I know you see me as nothing more than a lowly provincial flunky,

stuck in a go-nowhere chancellorship,

but I am about to activate the most powerful weapon in the world

and use it to kill Emperor Xanus and seize his crown.

Yeah, I know, it's really impressive, isn't it?

Well, the only thing that prevents me from feeling unbridled joy

is the knowledge that each night I lie alone...

with my empty heart, in my empty bed.

Well, empty except for the concubines. Point being,

I want to share my life with you.

My heart is yours.

Now and forever.

Do with it as you will.

- Are you asking me to marry you? - Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa-hoa-hoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Hah!

Whoa! I...

No, you know what?

If marriage is what you want, then, yes, marriage! What do you say?

Well, since I met you, I've been orphaned...

- Yeah. - ..kidnapped...

- Yeah. - ..betrothed to a royal,

privy to assassination plots, and, while part of me despises you...

- It'd be weird if you didn't. - ..another part knows

that you can excite me in ways no other man ever can.

- Oh. - I say...yes!

Oh!

(Laughing)

Yes!

Ow, ow.

- No, I hurt my leg when I crawled over. - Aw.

Yeah.

(# Dance music plays)

OK, uh, Cy. Talk to me. What's going on here, buddy?

Well, I thought we'd party a little more,

and then...

it's go time!

Oh! I-I-I guess what I'm asking is, what exactly is go time?

It's when I sex you all...

- Oh, OK... - ..to death.

- Ah! - I knew it! I knew it!

Y'all don't listen to nothing I say!

And then I eat you.

If any of y'all survive this, just tell my mom I died, literally any other way.

All right!

Let's get swollen.

Kr�d and...

Loquasto, start tongue jousting.

- No problem. - No, no, no, no! We can't,

because we work together, it would just be awkward.

Right! Let me and Kr�d start things off.

- Really? - Boring!

The handsome warrior and his beautiful maiden. So vanilla.

I need some strange.

Trust me, we've got game.

Oh, yeah, we're compatible sexually. That was never the problem -

it was really more about our core value...

- Oh, I miss this. - Yawn!

I'm turtling here.

Strange, give him some strange!

- Grab my butt. - All right, slow down.

- I'll get there. - Do it now.

- OK. - OK, a little tush play.

Likey, likey!

I'm starting to chub.

- Do you feel it? - Oh, yeah.

- Do you? - I mean the throwing star.

Oh, right! Oh!

- Yeah, got it. - Hit him in the eye.

Ah!

Go, go, go!

Zez, there's a problem!

The butt stuff. The tush play.

I need a moment.

Um... Oh, I got you.

Get that rope on him.

- You know what to do, big fella. - Hurry up!

(Banging)

Get down, you bugger! Ah!

Get away, you witch! Go on, bugger off!

Sod off, you old cow!

- Oh, yes. Oh, oh... - (# Gentle lute music)

Raunch it up a bit, Barnabus.

(# Fast rock tune)

Mmm, yeah.

Oh, yeah! Mmm.

I am so sorry.

I'm such a mess.

Ever since my breakup with Lisa...

and Chad, I've been such a man whore.

Humping and eating everything in sight.

I hate myself!

Oh, I've been there.

Father sent me to a talking doctor to sort me out, but...

But let me guess, you sexed him and ate him?

Bingo.

All right, guys, let's get dressed and hit the road.

Why not grab some prosciutto on the way out?

It's only going to go bad...

..like me.

How many children shall we have?

- Six! - Ah...

Well, ten, if we acknowledge the bastard sons I've already got.

Ten it is! I...

(Coughing and wheezing) ..love...

you.

- Are you all right, my love? - Oh, yes.

The cool morning air burns my lungs.

Blood!

Daggers! You've got the plague!

Does this mean you don't love me?

Aaah...!

No.

The old me might have pulled the old

"let me just check the carriage wheel" and bolted.

But the new me is bound to you, body and soul.

I shall ensure that you are leeched by the finest medical minds of our time.

My love, I swear by the gods above, you will not die.

Why? Why?

Why couldn't it have been you, Barnabus? Why?

(Sobs)

Oh, let it go, Gustav.

I will not let it go.

My father wore pubic hair atop his head,

as did his father before him and so his father too.

Gentlemen, sorry we're late, but this thing was weighing me down.

(Clang)

It is authentic. I shall add it to our treasury.

I believe this Council owes you an apology.

And a seat at our table. Do we not, gentlemen?

- (All) Aye, aye, aye. - Welcome to the Council.

Tomorrow we shall furnish you with a proper fighting unit.

We already have a unit.

Not one befitting your new rank.

Hey, they were good enough to get the Bloodstone from the Cyclops.

And you don't even want to know what that guy wanted to do to us.

Be that as it may, they must be replaced.

- Is this a deal breaker? - It is.

You watch. This is where he sells us out. Here it comes.

Well, in that case,

we regretfully decline.

That's my boy! I knew it!

But, Kr�d, in our previous encounter,

you seemed less than thrilled with your team.

And for that I am remiss.

I suppose sometimes the...

chains of brotherhood are too weak to be felt

until they're too strong to be broken. Good day, gentlemen.

You had us at "regretfully decline".

This was your last test.

When the enemy is everywhere, loyalty is everything.

Welcome to the Council, brother...

and sister.

- (Gustav) No hard feelings, Kr�d? - Nah. Come here, you pubey bastard.

Basking in the glow of his recent triumphs,

Kr�d felt an unfamiliar sensation swell in his chest - pride.

But as the adage has it, pride goeth before a fall.

Kr�d.

Yeah? What's up, Ralph?

I was planning on taking my schooner out on Lake Cormada tomorrow,

but I'm in desperate need of a first mate.

- Aye aye, captain. - I was thinking of Aneka.

Oh.

Now, Bruce intimated that you and she have a history,

and I would simply hate to trespass on any lingering emotional...

Oh, no! Come on, Ralph.

Mensches before wenches.

- Guy Code 101. - Marvelous.

Oh, but...just between us,

don't expect too much from her emotionally.

Poor kid's still pretty banged up in here.

Sorry. I had to find a lube steward to fill my gourd. Let's go, Ralph.

Farewell, my friends! Long live the resistance!

To the resistance.

Yah!

I don't think she's going to be giving him much resistance.

You got me, master.

Is it just me or is that a lot of lube for one weekend?

Nor was Kr�d's the only heart in Hessemeel

enduring the pain of lost love.

Sire...

I think I might have something to strengthen your blighted spirits.

Nothing can mend my broken heart.

Nothing, sire?

The focal lens for the Eye of Gulga Grymna!

Barnabus,

when all else fails me,

you always manage to come through.

I thank you with all my heart.

Now leave, would you? I've sent for some wenches. You're kind of a buzzkill.

(Squeaking)

(Laughing gleefully) I've got the lens.

I've got the lens! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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