Original subtitles

2004

FBI FIELD OFFICE SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA

We've got you, Ms. Garcia.

If you say so, suit.

We've got evidence of your off-site servers

and of your hack into the cosmetics company.

They test on animals.

Yes. But it's not illegal.

What you've done is a felony and it's punishable by prison.

Well, you've got me, J. Edgar...

It's Agent Hotchner,

and I'm from the Behavioral Analysis Unit.

And I'm here to offer you an option to prison.

You come work for me. You'd be our technical analyst.

So, I teach you how to use Google, that kind of thing? That's fun.

You'd help us hunt psychopaths.

I'm a psychopath.

No, you're not.

In hacker circles you're known as the Black Queen.

And you are rigorously moral.

All of your online attacks reflect a fierce desire

to protect those who you think are being hurt.

If you accept my offer, you can do the same thing

for the federal government.

I just need a resume to give to human resources.

Or we prosecute you.

Well, I'm not in the habit of bringing my resume

to events I am handcuffed at,

but I have some stationery in my purse

and I'll write down some computer stuff I know and think about it.

I took out her phone and laptop. Everything else is harmless.

Hotchner.

We'll be right there. We have a suspect.

I need an answer.

Yes, if I can keep my purse.

Good choice.

-Do you have a key? -

Oh.

Beauty and brains.

Hey, Eyebrows.

When they do the Men of the FBI calendar,

is it just 12 months of you?

Welcome to the team.

TODAY

So, let's talk about sexual harassment.

BAU HEADQUARTERS QUANTICO, VIRGINIA

Sexual harassment isn't always a quid pro quo arrangement.

Maybe it's a conversation between two co-workers

that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Maybe these co-workers use phrases like,

"Baby girl."

"Chocolate thunder."

Or, "Where's my big black twelve-pack?"

Who blabbed?

And that creates a what?

A hostile work environment.

So messages like, "More cushion for the pushing"...

-Not appropriate. -

"I'll be Coco to your Ice-T." Not appropriate.

"Flarpy blunderguff."

-I don't even know what that means... -

But not appropriate.

Ms. Garcia, you really have to stay for this.

I'm sorry, but I got... I... I have to... I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so... I'm so, so sorry.

Not appropriate.

Oh, sir, I am so, so, so sorry about this.

Take a look at this.

- -Is this real

Yes. And we're on our way to the Attorney General's office to explain it.

Uh, when you say "we," you mean the whole team or...

I mean you and me.

Oh.

Oh.

In 2004, the BAU flew to San Jose for two reasons.

One was to recruit Garcia,

the other was to arrest this man, Sam Russell.

The prostitute killer.

Eight victims. He didn't fit the profile exactly,

but he waived his rights and admitted to all eight.

Isn't San Quentin putting him to death in two weeks?

Yes. And we've been tasked to review his conviction.

-Why us

Okay, uh, this morning,

the Justice Department website was hacked.

When you log on, you see this and then this.

Are those crime scene photos of the victims?

The San Jose Police Department was also hacked.

Garcia says this must have been months in the planning.

Any idea who's behind it?

Best guess is it's an online collective known as Star Chamber.

They're one of several justice-oriented groups that sprung up

in the wake of the Steubenville rape case.

Star Chamber. Interesting name.

It's derived from a 17th-century British court

designed to ensure fair enforcement of laws

against the rich and the powerful.

Actually, according to my research,

they named it that because it's also the name

of a mediocre yet awesome Michael Douglas movie from 1983.

Okay, but why Sam Russell? He confessed without any coercion.

Because in addition to being a monster, Sam Russell is a hacker extraordinaire.

I don't know the man, but I learned from him.

So, the Star Chamber is rallying behind one of their own

before the State of California can put him to death.

And we get thrown the political football to make the negative attention go away.

We have to separate ourselves from the politics of it

and ensure that they're executing the right man.

"People often say that this or that person

"has not yet found himself.

"But the self is not something one finds,

"it is something one creates."

Thomas Szasz.

Well, looking at the history of Star Chamber, they love riddles.

So this message, "They died in vein," spelled V-E-I-N,

that's not just a homonymic mistake, it's a clue.

Yeah. That's their game. "We know something you don't."

They're fiercely libertarian and anti-secrecy,

which goes hand-in-hand with conspiracy theorizing.

As far as they're concerned,

the whole Sam Russell thing is a cover-up.

Why did we close in on Russell as a suspect?

He was arrested repeatedly for solicitation.

All streetwalkers, all drug addicts. His victims match that type.

Well, you said he didn't fit the profile. It sounds like he fit it perfectly.

There was an issue with MO.

Four of the prostitutes were stabbed and four were strangled,

and the UnSub alternated between kills.

It sounds like two UnSubs.

That was our profile until Russell confessed to everything,

including names and details. As far as we could tell, it was just him.

Yeah, but we can't that that for granted.

Dave, Blake, and Reid, go over the old files.

We need to re-interview everyone associated with the case.

Morgan and Garcia, dig into Star Chamber.

We don't want to validate them, but we need to know what they know.

And JJ and I will go to San Quentin.

SAN QUENTIN PENITENTIARY

Agent Hotchner, thank you for coming.

-This is Agent Jareau. -Hi. Good to meet you.

Have a seat.

Are those prayer beads?

Uh, yes. I don't go anywhere without them.

They're bound with hair?

Well, uh, I exist on death row, Agent Jareau. Hair is all I have left.

And these beads, they help me accept my fate

that I'm gonna be murdered for crimes I did not commit.

This prison's filled with men who didn't do it.

Why should we believe you?

Have you heard of desoxyn?

It's a pharmaceutical-grade methamphetamine

used to treat ADHD and narcolepsy.

In 2004, I found an Internet black market that sold it,

and when I started popping those pills like candy, I was gone.

I would just hack in 100-hour stretches. I'd sleep for four.

I was an addict.

Not a killer.

So you're saying desoxyn caused you to sign a confession to eight murders?

Yes.

Look, here's something you don't know.

The man who arrested me, Detective Bob Cooper,

he found my pills and then he introduced me

to the good stuff, the IV stuff.

And the more prostitutes I confessed to killing,

based on information that he fed me, the higher the dose.

And I never fully sobered up until last year

when I discovered Buddhism, but by then it was too late.

No one would listen.

But the Star Chamber did.

That's their whole message, right

How are you communicating with them?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

I'm not gonna let you interfere with work they're doing on my behalf.

Odd behavior from a supposedly innocent man.

You know what? I've howled for 10 years

against a system that wouldn't even notice me

until the Star Chamber embarrassed them,

and then it noticed.

I'm not gonna cooperate and help you find the Star Chamber.

They're the only ones fighting to keep me alive.

So, how long ago did you retire, Detective?

Oh, about four years.

You know, they say that you never turn off being a cop,

but I sure did.

Detective Cooper, we need to ask you a few questions

about the Sam Russell case.

Oh, my pleasure, yeah. It's good to answer questions

that are gonna put this guy in the gas chamber

instead of taking him out.

Someone claims that you fed Russell drugs

in order to get the confession.

Who

It doesn't matter who.

Oh, I bet it was those jackass computer nerds.

-Is it true? -No, of course not.

I'd be willing to swear on a stack of bibles if you want me to.

It's not true.

You know, it's interesting how much you can tell about a person

by what they choose to read.

This shelf, for instance, is devoted to Ayn Rand,

Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris.

-So? -You're an atheist.

And your comment about the stack of bibles is a linguistic tell.

You're overcompensating, which means you're hiding something.

I...

That photograph you were admiring there...

You want to know who I'm shaking hands with?

Well, I'll tell you.

It's my union rep, local 151. Now, here's what's gonna happen.

When you people leave here,

I'm gonna get on the phone with my good buddy there

and he's going to issue a press release saying that detective Bob Cooper

has devoted his entire career to justice.

So why is the FBI keeping a serial killer

who he caught

from receiving the justice that the brotherhood of police

fight and die for every day?

I can't tell you how much we need your help.

Your network security is tight.

It has to be. We're in hacker central here in Silicon Valley.

We ramped up after we digitized all our case files, but whoever did this

-left a bomb behind. -A bomb?

He means a Trojan horse,

so whenever you try to source the hack, pieces of the code self-delete,

which means the Star Chamber has pretty much all of the Sam Russell file.

You've seen this before? Because it took our backup file

and the District Attorney's.

Yeah, I may have helped design this back when I was a sort of bad guy.

But I'm gonna see what I can do to rebuild it.

-Let me know if you need any help. -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I am not rebuilding jack. Whoever did that is amazing.

Come on, not as amazing as you.

Pretty amazing. And he started with an SQL injection. That's no big deal.

You could download a patch to fight it off,

but it's the patch that contains the Trojan horse.

Like taking a flu shot filled with cancer.

Exactly.

Maybe I could find a clue in the code to figure out who the culprit is.

Just do that thing that you do, baby girl.

-Okay. We have to stop this. -Stop what?

Derek, the FBI is organizing seminars on the way we talk.

-So what? -So it's embarrassing.

Not to me. I am not about to change how I am with you

because Bob in payroll doesn't get the joke.

Look, I like the way we talk.

Just can we cool it for a bit, please?

Fine.

Only because you're asking.

However, before we play this little game of yours,

I want to know what this blunderguff thing is.

That is a conversation

-between JJ and I that I will... -

What

- -What?

I have to talk to Hotch.

This is the client's address?

Yeah, this is it.

-Huh. Homey. -

Whenever a guy books a two-fer, you have to wonder.

Not me. I tell the sitter I'll be home early, because they book us for all night

and then we're out the door after 15 minutes.

20, tops.

Welcome.

Okay. We need to have a little primer on hacking.

Because I think I've figured out the member of the Star Chamber

-who's behind all this. -And who is he?

I'm gonna take a guess based on the signature.

Hackers have signatures?

Sometimes. Usually it's a message in the code

to let other pros know, "Hey, this one was me."

And in this case, the signature matches the DOJ hack,

and it is, "Happy Fun Meow Meow."

Sorry, what?

"Happy Fun Meow Meow."

What the hell does that mean?

It was Garcia's signature before she joined the BAU.

None of this has been an accident.

Getting us to review the case, leaving that clue,

and there is only one man old enough

and has the kind of crazy kung fu to do it.

His name is Shane Wyeth, and he is my old...

Hacking mentor.

Do you think you can get him to come to the table?

We need the file to re-examine Russell's confession.

If Russell's innocent, we'll need it for clues

to find the identity of the real killer.

That's not gonna be easy. Shane and I ended on terrible terms.

He was more than just a mentor, wasn't he?

Please, let me go.

Please...

Uh-uh-uh.

Don't. No...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Hold my... Hold my hand.

My lawyer told me the news this morning.

Two more prostitutes. One stabbed, one strangled.

It's a tragedy.

A tragedy that helps your case.

I need to talk to Shane Wyeth.

He's the member of the Star Chamber you've been in contact with, correct?

That depends. Are you gonna arrest him?

No.

How can I trust that?

Because I don't think you did this.

And I need the file that he stole in order to prove it.

So how do I contact him?

Shane will speak with the Black Queen.

The Black Queen only.

They set up an Internet Relay Chat room,

and from there they can arrange a meeting on neutral turf.

There are millions of IRC channels. I need a name.

Hashtag hail to the king.

You really think he's innocent?

I know he's hiding something, but I couldn't let him know that.

Okay, we got what we needed. How do we play it to our advantage?

We don't. We can't.

We do this Shane's way.

No, Garcia, it's too early to make that call.

Sir, I'm not happy about any of this, but people are still dying, right?

All right, you arrange the meet and we'll deliver the profile.

At this point we've got two working theories about this case.

We need to give both of them equal weight

The first is that, unpleasant as it may be to admit,

Sam Russell was wrongly convicted and the real killer has struck again.

If that's the case, this UnSub is controlled enough

to stay dormant for 10 years.

But Russell's impending execution has brought him back to the surface.

Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, went dormant for 16 years

but later sent letters to the media claiming credit for his crimes.

And last night's murder could serve as a similar message to us.

The other theory is we have a copycat

and he's trying to cast doubt on Russell's conviction.

To copy the case this accurately,

the UnSub would have to have access to the original case file.

And since the Star Chamber has that file,

we think he's one of their members.

Certain types of hackers thrive on the cachet of infamy.

This UnSub wants to show his peers that he's so evil

he can commit the murders that Russell didn't.

And whichever of these theories turns out to be correct,

the key to finding this UnSub is comparing last night's murder to 2004.

How are you gonna do that when we don't have the file anymore?

We have an expert working on it right now.

Testing.

Okay, keep going. I want to test the signal.

Tell me about the meet.

Uh, it's happening at a local access network gaming center.

It's a good place for hackers to hide.

All right, that's good.

-I feel like I'm gonna barf. -Okay, hey. Hey, hey.

I'm gonna be in the van right outside.

If you get in trouble, I will be on you before you...

I will be there.

Wow.

You were gonna marry this guy, weren't you?

No.

-No, no. -No?

Okay, then what?

Because I have never seen you like this before.

Oh...

After my parents died, I went through this period

where I was even more comfortable than I am now

in front of a computer than in front of people.

You know, a computer can't surprise you

or hurt you or die without saying goodbye.

And...

Shane figured that out about me and he made me feel really...

Safe?

Yes. And he did it by telling me I was never going to die.

He recorded almost everything I said and I did.

So it was like I was gonna live forever.

That's kind of romantic, I guess.

I guess. Until you get in a fight.

And then it's like, "Would you please put down the freakin' camera

"and can we talk like normal people, and..."

-You know, I'm stubborn. -Oh, yeah. Just a little bit.

No, but it was like we'd get... We would get in these fights.

And... And then...

He liked fighting. A lot. He liked winning.

And I had become this person that I never intended to be.

So I stopped being that person,

and when I stopped being that person, I couldn't be with Shane.

And I never looked back.

Good.

Because you've come a long way.

It's time.

Time for what?

Isn't it obvious, eyebrows?

I have to get into character.

Shane? Shane!

-What? -I need another hour, Shane.

-No. -Come on. Comp me 15 minutes.

Did you learn nothing from your date with your sister?

No means no.

Now, either give me your mom's credit card or get out.

Hey, Shane. -What's up?

What the hell, man? We just got knocked offline.

What do you mean?

Oh!

What is going on?

She's back.

Very nice.

- -Wow.

You...

You've lost weight.

You miss me?

No.

Okay.

Why don't you...

Prove it?

Hi.

Hi.

I'm going to kiss you.

Okay.

Thank you.

Uh...

We have a lot to talk about.

Yes, we do.

So, we dug into both victims' lives.

They worked for separate agencies but went freelance about two months ago.

Not a surprise. We've seen how the Internet has revolutionized

the sex industry. It's taken it off the streets

and allowed the women to control their own clientele.

That could be how the UnSub crossed paths with them.

We thought that, too, but when we looked

at cell and computer records, the data fields were empty.

For both women?

Well, if it was just one, we'd chalk it up to chance or luck,

but two's a pattern.

And if the UnSub's good with computers,

he could have erased everything.

We need to dig deeper into their online lives,

match his expertise with our own.

Well, unfortunately, our expertise is in the field right now.

Just give us the file back.

You're asking me to cooperate with the FBI.

I am asking you to do the right thing.

This is not about proving whether Russell is innocent, okay?

Look, two more women died last night...

Yeah, I know. 'Cause of that,

I should hand the keys to the car back to the morons

who crashed it in the first place?

I took the file to make you rebuild the case from scratch

because you and the genius squad

missed a couple kind of important things.

Like the silent partner.

-You have no idea who that is, do you

Your team floated two killers.

There's been an inside man the whole time.

You completely overlooked him. You're the FBI, for God's sake.

Can we stop

Can we just talk like normal people for a second?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's talk like normal people.

How's your mom?

She died. Seven years ago.

I'm so sorry.

I posted a thing.

I can't...

I made a deal with the FBI.

I'm not allowed to get in touch with you, with guys like you.

Why did you do it

-I got caught. -You got caught? You walked in.

You walked in 'cause you were too scared to stay with me.

I wanted a different life, maybe.

Well, you got one, didn't you?

Baby girl.

You don't even know what that means.

I know the texts I saw.

And whoever this guys is, the one I assume you're sleeping with,

he did the impossible. He managed to take the strongest,

toughest woman I've ever met in my life and he infantilized her.

We're not sleeping together.

Well, that makes it worse. That means you infantilized yourself.

Who are you?

'Cause the woman I loved...

She's gone.

Some wine.

I am good. Thanks.

Can I use your bathroom?

Sure. Down the hall to the left.

What are you doing? No. No, no, no...

No!

And the MO was mixed?

Only one victim, but he strangled her and then stabbed her.

It could be an evolution.

Or he's trying to cast more doubt on Russell.

Her name is Debbie Bloom. She went freelance two months ago,

and when she did, all traces of her business vanished.

Exactly like the previous two victims.

What if we're thinking about the MO wrong?

What if the UnSub didn't erase the data,

but the call girls were simply hiding it from law enforcement?

And the UnSub figured out a way to use it to his advantage?

Well, Blake found one potential lead.

It was the last client that Debbie kept before she went off the grid.

Goes by the name of Mr. Smith.

Will Mr. Smith talk to us?

Well, once Blake promised that we wouldn't ruin his marriage.

She's bringing him in now.

Who's that?

Mr. Smith.

Oh...

It's so unfair.

Going off the grid was supposed to make things safer for her.

The man we're looking for knew she was off the grid

and it's keeping us from finding him.

Can you help us figure this out?

I actually helped her set it up.

There's apps now.

Online calendars, phone calls over wi-fi,

even payment through this thing called Bitcoin,

where you can have it converted into cash.

But don't those still leave breadcrumbs on the Internet?

It was all encrypted.

If she didn't log in every 12 hours, all the data erases itself.

So it couldn't be used against her if she got arrested.

So how did you figure all this out?

Debbie found a post online.

Um, we looked at it so much I bookmarked it.

Can I see?

It's one of those long posts with step-by-step instructions.

If this is how Debbie hid in plain sight,

it's a good bet that Gloria and Marguerite did, too.

Maybe the UnSub wrote that in order to prey on his victims.

The UnSub didn't write it.

Based on the verbiage, syntax, and organizational structure,

I can tell you who did.

Sam Russell.

Come on.

Take the cheese.

What's going on?

I was sick of being behind the eight ball,

so I found a backdoor on Shane's work server.

Looks like he found you.

That's the point.

I wanted him to find me.

And now, I invite him in and we start to play.

You found a blind spot. I'm impressed.

Why are we here?

When we would fight...

This is how we made up.

So, figure, since this is the best way we communicated,

maybe I can use it to talk some sense into you.

Yeah, actually,

I think this was the best way we communicated.

Remember? I do.

I remember when you talking sense sounded like this.

There is zero point in following the law, because the whole thing is corrupt.

And nothing is going to make me happier

than to watch the whole stupid thing burn to the ground.

The government, the police, the feds, every shred of it.

Burn, burn, burn.

How's that, baby

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God! -Calm down.

-You saw that. -Yes, I did.

-He's just trying to get under your skin. -It's working.

Forget about what he's doing and focus on why.

He's a narcissist, right?

He's a game player.

Garcia, those guys are easy to manipulate

because they always overplay their hand.

No. Not Shane. Shane does not lose.

He lost something 10 years ago, didn't he?

He doesn't care about Russell, Garcia. He wants you.

He wants you to one last time say that he won.

Okay. If that's true, how do I use that against him?

Sit down. Come on.

Just wait for his opening.

You'll know it when you see it. Okay?

-Yeah. -You can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Okay, I'm really embarrassed. Good job.

You embarrassed me. That doesn't matter. Here's why.

I grew up, sort of,

and I figured out that the revolution isn't going to come over a T-1 line.

I have learned new tricks.

Who'd you learn them from

Derek, the FBI's organizing seminars on the way we talk.

-So? -So it's embarrassing.

Not to me. I'm not about to change the way I am with you

because Bob in payroll doesn't get the joke.

Look, I like the way we talk...

You've been following me this whole time?

Yep. You and Supervisory Very Special Agent Derek Morgan.

Are you surprised?

But really, honey, you chose this guy?

You chose a brainless, metrosexual action figure?

That's his opening.

Yes, it is. Now tell me why.

Because the last time he said he didn't know who you were, but he does.

He sees us having a relationship that he doesn't get to have anymore

and it's driving him crazy.

I told him we're not sleeping together.

It doesn't matter.

His narcissistic brain won't accept that we could ever be friends.

So he thinks he can beat me by beating us?

Mmm-hmm.

So what's your next move, baby girl?

New game.

Two teams. BAU versus Star Chamber.

We see who can find the new killer first.

But we do it on an equal playing field.

Which means you give us the Sam Russell file back

and we give you our profile.

When I win, what do I get?

When you log on to the DOJ website,

there'll be a picture of me

and Super Special Agent Derek Morgan...

With shoes on our heads.

He just left the table.

-Did he take the bait? -I don't know.

What's the shoe on the head mean?

Ah, it's an Internet thing.

Hello. I've got mail.

We got the file.

You know, I hate to admit it,

but the Star Chamber did an impressive job.

They took the police file and annotated it with their own research.

Is there any other evidence? 'Cause I'm not seeing anything.

There's one thing we missed.

Back in 2004, Russell had a silent hacking partner

in charge of money and infrastructure who remained hidden in the shadows.

They think the silent partner committed the murders

and let Russell take the fall for it.

Two UnSubs would explain it. We profiled that 10 years ago.

What if the silent partner was also the killing partner?

Well, that would mean that Russell admitted to

four murders he didn't commit.

Why not just cut a deal and name the partner?

Because he'd still get life in prison.

It beats a death sentence.

Not if you think you can beat the system,

and hackers always think they can do that,

especially if you had help from the outside.

Then that's why the partner surfaced now.

This whole time we've been trying to figure out which profile is right,

the dormant killer or the copycat. But the answer is both.

Okay, but how do we prove it?

If we can't, we're no better than the Star Chamber.

Yeah, Hotch. I think we may have something.

Yeah, I wrote this post.

I told Shane to put it up on Reddit.

Why would you care so much about how prostitutes do business?

Because I think sex work should be safe and legal.

The Internet can de-stigmatize it.

And make it easier for predators to prey on victims.

Well, I agree. That's why you should really catch that predator.

There's something else we need to discuss.

When we got the files back from the Star Chamber,

we noticed a detail about the strangulations we hadn't seen before.

What we noticed about the killer

is when he was choking out these women, their hair...

Their hair would collect around their throats, like this.

And he would grip it so tight

he would rip the hair out by the roots.

So, we realized the old killer's signature that the new killer didn't copy

was hair.

Your partner on the outside fed that to you,

and every time you got a lock of your victim's hair

it was a promise that your plan was still in motion

and that he'd get you off.

Well, instead, the two of you are going to die in here together.

Let me explain to you what's going to happen.

We're gonna go to the Governor and he's going to halt your execution

and withdraw the charges for the first murders.

And then we're going to retry you for the other four murders.

That's mine. You gotta... Give it back.

Give it back!

Stop! It's mine!

Come on.

-It's ridiculous. -What is?

The FBI profile on the guy Sam Russell's in prison for.

How'd you hack that?

I didn't.

They gave it to me.

-Really? -Yeah.

What's it say?

Nothing. It's completely generic.

All they've got is the guy could be an underground hacker.

Which could be any of us.

That's good.

Good?

Yeah, good.

Because they'll think it's you.

What are you...

Ooh...

No...

Clear.

Yeah, Shane's car's here, he's not.

All right. Garcia may have another lead.

There's something hinky about some stuff Shane bought online.

There it is. Oxycodone.

Would Shane use it recreationally?

No way. Shane's one of those people where like his body is his temple.

He wouldn't take anything to pollute it.

The UnSub must have bought this in Shane's name.

-Where were the drugs sent? -To an address, in Shane's name,

in Silicon Valley that there's no way he could afford.

All right, Morgan, go, take Reid with you.

Garcia, I want you onsite, too, scanning the networks.

Yes, sir.

Oh, God, you used me.

Oh, Shane.

You wanted to be used.

You took my money

and you hoarded my servers

for your little crusade.

And none of that is free.

Even those women knew that.

And so...

Now it's time for you to be so overwhelmed with guilt

that you...

Kill yourself.

FBI!

Drop the needle. Let me see your hands.

How much did you give him? -Figure it out.

Stand down. OFFICER: Standing down.

Quick, pull up his shirt, Morgan.

Nothing.

Paramedics are on their way. You got anything else over there?

Maybe norepinephrine but it might kill him.

Wait. Just wait.

Shane, I know you're in there and I know you can hear me.

Hey. I won, Shane.

And if you die on me,

I'm gonna tell everybody we know I won.

Do it. Do it now.

You got lucky.

Oh...

Yes, I did.

This is the one. This is the last... Wait... No, wait.

-No... That's the one. That's the... -

Hold on. Okay, one more. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm stopping.

We used to make fun of chicks like you.

No. You used to make fun of chicks like me.

This is who I always wanted to be

and I was too afraid to tell you because I didn't think you'd like me.

Do you ever miss her?

'Cause I do.

Take such good care of yourself, Shane.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

So, I have a confession to make.

Uh-oh.

You are not the first guy to call me "baby girl."

-Get out of here. -It's true.

-It better not be that guy. -Oh, no. Uh-uh.

Actually, it was a different guy.

Okay, I'll bite.

How did this pretender to the throne end up stealing my fire?

I'm going to tell you, but first,

I have to explain an explicit, sexually inappropriate detail.

What a flarpy blunderguff is.

Okay. So, you need like an oil-based paint

and some charcoal

and some sort of food that you love,

I mean love, because you are gonna be with it...

"To invent your own life's meaning is not easy.

"But it's still allowed.

"And I think you'll be happier for the trouble."

Bill Watterson.