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- That was all right, wasn't it?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yes.

- I think it's better now, isn't it?
- I agree. Yeah.

Well, pressure's off, innit?
There's no cycles, ovulation windows.

I feel like I'm a
professional tennis player...

- Mm.
- ... who's retired.

And now that I'm playing for fun,

I've sort of, like, fallen back
in love with the game.

It's nice not to use
protection as well, innit?

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, you just gotta,

you know, plug and play.

I think it's just nature
evening things up.

Blind people get great hearing,
infertile people get great sex!

Hello.

Right.

Jason!

Jason!

What?

It's from the adoption people.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- Don't you want to open it?
- No, no. I know what it says.

It says we don't give children

to people who admit they drink
too much, smoke and have no money.

Okay. All right.

It's fine, it's fine. Just tell me.

- Jason.
- It says... It says...

... nothing. It's just more
forms, by the looks of it.

- What?
- Yeah.

- They didn't reject us?
- No.

- We're still in with a chance?
- It looks like it, yeah.

- How?
- I don't know.

Maybe they're so desperate for
people, they'll take anyone.

Oh, that's so great.

Mm!

Look, I think this is gonna be
a pretty long, drawn-out process.

So maybe we should just, you know,
pace ourselves, take it easy.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Absolutely, absolutely.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna go get a pen. I'm so excited.

- Jason.
- Yeah.

- We need to talk.
- Why, is something wrong?

You got problems, dude.

You "have" problems,
dude. Have problems.

Hi.

Do we have to have the talk again?

Alisha, I've got to vary the
lessons. They're getting bored.

How many times?

You cannot teach English

through Rihanna songs
and football chants.

This is a business,
not Dead Poets Society.

I know, but it...

Look, I have half the budget
and half the time I need

to do this job properly.

And I'm too exhausted to argue.
Just work the textbook.

Yeah, but the textbooks are old.
They need new ones.

Well, we can't afford them.

I mean, the maps have
still got Yugoslavia on 'em.

Okay, let me explain something
to you: Britain is done.

It is done.

It is old, and it is dying,
and no one is coming here.

And when people don't come,
neither does their money.

Alisha, we promise these kids a lot.

We're not meeting their expectations.

They're from Eastern Europe.
They don't have any expectations.

I saw two of them in the toilets
taking a selfie with a Dyson Airblade.

No, you didn't.

Just get them out and into jobs

so they can send money back
to their haggard families.

Yeah, I know you wanna be at the birth,

but it's just a very busy time for
us and we just don't have the cars.

Right. Yeah, no.

I know you're frustrated.
I do. I understand that.

But this really isn't our fault.

You know, maybe your sister
shouldn't have got pregnant

exactly nine months
before a bank holiday.

Do you know what I mean?

Is Ruby about? Just need her
to proofread some contracts.

Oh, I could do that if you want.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Uh...

No, it's okay. I'll, uh...

- Yeah. No. Thanks, though.
- Oh. Oh.

Uh-huh. Well, I literally
don't know how to help you.

Yeah. Have you thought
about getting the bus?

Right, and exactly how far
is Cornwall from Scotland?

Oh, yeah, that is far.

Let's see what we've got then.

- Crisps?
- Yeah.

- And 7UP?
- Lovely.

It's a support group, not a sleepover.

- Oh, my God, barbecue?
- Well, we love barbecue.

They're French.

Did you get them from
the guy at the market

that we said we weren't
gonna go to anymore?

- He's all right.
- Jase.

He sold me some tartar sauce
that was best before 2002.

Barbecue.

They're not... They're
not sophisticated.

- Why didn't you get the posh flavors?
- What's the posh flavors?

Right. It goes:

sea salt and cracked black pepper,
salt and balsamic vinegar,

lightly salted, cheese
and onion, prawn cocktail,

and then chicken at the
bottom, and then barbecue.

Jase, you've got a stain.

Oh. Yeah, I know.

I wetted it and then it was damp,

so I couldn't see if it
was still there or not.

Hang on...

- Made it worse.
- Yeah, I know.

Don't worry about it.

Hello.

We didn't bring a rug.

- All right, mate?
- Mm.

- Hiya.
- Hello, hi. Marcus.

- I'm Nikki.
- Hello, Nikki.

Hello, Marcus. Jason.

- Jason, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.

- Brought some things for the...
- Oh, thank you. Um...

Yeah, you know, should we
pop this under the table

- outta the sun for now?
- Yeah, okay.

There we go. Thank you.

- Is this all up for grabs, Marcus? Yeah?
- You help yourself.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

Lovely.

- Cracking spread.
- Mm.

So, uh, are all these people adopting?

Trying to.

The borough's pretty oversubscribed.

- God.
- Bloody hell.

Excuse me, I'm just gonna...

- Okay.
- Fair, mate.

Never really thought about
there being competition.

Don't worry. We got game.

Jason, really.

Out of all these people here,

why would they give a kid to a
bloke who just licked his own top?

There's a razor-thin line between
the T-shirts you wear to bed

and the ones you wear during the day.

Step it up.

Well, I suppose we're all just waiting

to see the long-term effects of
the regional adoption agencies.

Yeah.

The Adoption Support Fund's
been given 12 million,

- which is, you know, a drop in the ocean.
- It's amazing.

Right, yeah. Of course.

So, what is it that you both do?

I'm an educational consultant.

Oh! Cool.

- And...
- Journalist, political.

Financial advisor.

My wife's an artist, ceramics.

Cardiologist.

Solicitor.

A filmmaker. Wildlife documentaries.

Oh, I work for the council.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, I'm the strategic lead

for business development
and commercial partnerships.

Have you done much prep reading?

Um, have you read The Connected Parent?

- No.
- It's great on bonding.

- Is it?
- No.

Five Stages of Infant Attachment?

I think we said we wanted to wait
for the film on that one, didn't we?

We've been told they like you
to have experience with kids,

so we've been volunteering.

Yeah, and luckily my work
gives me a lot of exposure.

Yeah, um, what is it
that you do exactly?

Educational consultant?

I work with adults with learning
and behavioral difficulties.

No way. So do I.

- Really?
- Yeah.

My boss.

Your boss has behavioral difficulties?

No.

- Sorry, I don't understand.
- It was a joke.

- I was just...
- Ah!

'Cause she's a pain in the
ass. No, she's all there.

All right.

So, uh, so what do you do?

Me? I teach English
as a foreign language.

Oh! I did that for a summer
when I was 18. Yeah.

Yeah. Lot of fun. Lot of fun.

Oh, God.

We're competing against
the cream here, Jase.

Yeah. Maybe we should just
move to a shittier borough, hey?

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, that Ben man talked to me

about American politics for 30 minutes.

- Oh, God.
- I couldn't talk about any politics

for 30 minutes.

Well, not unless I talked
really, really slowly.

Hang on. Magic.

So, this group's a little like prison.

You're not supposed to ask
why people are here, but...

Well, we had some fertility issues.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Cheesecake's out.
- Oh.

- Hello.
- This is Luke. Luke, this is Jason.

- Jason. How are you, mate?
- Yeah, nice to meet you.

- IVF?
- Oh, yeah.

- We tried it, but it's complicated.
- Mm.

Juice not worth the squeeze,
Luke, if you know what I mean.

My window wasn't as
big as other people's.

- No.
- I should have been sluttier in my 20s.

- Well, you gave it a good go.
- Yeah, I did.

So, why are you adopting?

- Uh, we both have penises.
- Oh.

- That makes sense, yeah.
- And where are you at with it all?

- We're going for our second.
- Wow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Uh, this is Jade, our first.
- Stop it.

- Gorge.
- Absolutely beautiful.

- She's so beautiful.
- Actually, really beautiful, man.

- I hate you so much.
- Yeah, we've been really lucky.

Passed panel first time.
Got the child of our dreams.

Getting on really well
with the biological parents.

That is so good to hear.

Honestly, it's amazing.
You're gonna love it.

Oh, God. I mean, can we
adopt you? Like, is that...

Well, I only wanna give you a hug.

- Is he available?
- I'm gonna do it. I'm giving a hug.

Here, Jase. Can you
hold my drink? Come here.

This is good.

- All right. Careful, he's not on fire.
- Mm.

All right, should we go? Just...

- Handshake. All right, then.
- Come here.

This is nice.

Thanks, guys.

Mm.

- I see you met, uh, Luke and Kwame.
- Yeah, so nice, so positive.

Yeah. But then, I would be too.

I think it's a bit easier when
you're, you know, black.

Yeah, this area has a
lot of minority kids,

and, uh, they like
to, you know, "match".

Yeah. Well, I mean, that
makes sense, doesn't it?

Good to go?

Have you got worms?

They're just a couple of racists.

The sort of people who think
immigrants get all the council houses.

- No, they didn't look racist.
- You can't tell anymore.

It's all white-collar now.
It's been gentrified.

We're at the bottom of the queue.

They all go to museums and art
galleries. They have degrees.

- Degrees don't mean anything.
- Mm.

Yeah, you can say that.
You all have one.

Yeah, but theirs are from Portsmouth.

- It's a good uni.
- It's a conference center with a motto.

It's top 15 in sports science.

He's literally got a degree in burpees.

This doesn't work when I do it.

Can you...

- Shh, shh, shh.
- Doesn't mean anything.

Yeah.

You should read The
Connected Parent though.

It's great on bonding.

Turn to page 22 in the textbooks.
We're gonna look at, um, greetings.

Formal and informal greet... Yes?

- The answers are already in here.
- What?

Someone has written already
the answers in the book.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Has everyone got that?
- Yes.

I'm sorry. Um, all right. So let...

Everyone put their left
hand over the answers

that have been written in their book.

What is "tosser"?

What? What's "tosser"?

Tosser.

Well, it's... Let's have a look.

Wow, yeah.

This is quite offensive. Um...

We need new books. We
pay our money for this.

I know.

Listen, though, do you
know what? This is good.

Actually, this is good,

'cause if you're gonna
work with English people,

then you're gonna need
to know these words.

Um... Okay, right. No,
this is... this is good.

Toss-er. Um...

Any other words you've come across
that you might not understand?

"Knobhead"?

Knobhead.

It's a silent K.

Knob as in "penis", head.

Lovely. Anything else?

"Wanker".

- "Wanker".
- Wanker.

Wanker, exactly.

Wank-er. Wanker. There you go.

Hi.

So...

... it's basically a competition
and the winner gets a kid?

Um, try not to think
of it like that, Jen.

- Oh, so everyone gets a kid?
- No.

So, how do they decide?

It's just based on how
good a candidate you are.

Right. Does sound like a competition.

Sort of think it can't be
that hard if Madonna did it.

No, I don't... I don't think
she went through the council.

She... She sort of went direct.

- Ruby, have you got those contracts?
- The ones you wanted proofread?

Fantastic. Thank you. Oh, you're great.

- Thank you. Cheers.
- Anytime.

- Hey.
- Oh. Hello.

- Want some?
- I've just... I'm trying to give up.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Good to you.

- Sorry to be complaining.
- Oh, that's okay. I...

I need to speak better for work.

Oh. Do you have work?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

In restaurant only.

What would you like to do?
Where would you like to work?

- I'm a teacher.
- Ah, no way.

Yeah. Was a teacher at home.

I just need to...

Speak better.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Right. Well, listen, you're not
gonna get what you need here.

So, you should maybe think
about some, um, private tuition.

Oh. I have no money.

Right. Which you can't get
until you get a better job,

- which you can't get until you can, uh...
- Speak better.

Right, yeah, yes.

Yeah.

Listen, if you want, I could
give you some extra help.

- I have no money, remember?
- Yeah, I know.

But I don't need money. So...

- What? Really?
- Yeah, it's fine.

Thank you.

- It's okay.
- Cool.

Don't worry too much
about reading all of these.

It's 80% making sure
you've got wet wipes.

And it'll be easier for you

'cause you can just drink
all the way through it.

I mean, I sort of did too,
but you're not supposed to.

And your body's not gonna change.

Oh, I really miss my tits.

I used to have spectacular tits.

I mean, I love my kids.
I wouldn't swap my kids for my tits.

Okay, well, no. That's good.

But if I could just have
my tits at, like, weekends

and then get the kids back on
Monday, then I'd probably do that.

I don't think it's
supposed to feel like this.

It didn't with Lauren.

Hey.

- How are things with Freddy?
- Oh!

Right, still no sex.

He says that he has been
emotionally scarred by the birth.

- Wow. Right.
- Mm.

Okay, well, that's quite
an annoying thing to say.

Uh, because you were
actually scarred by the birth.

- Yeah, he can be quite an annoying person.
- Mm-hmm.

No, it's fine. It's
just a difficult time.

It'll pass.

Oh!

- Oh, God. They are lovely.
- Oh!

Let's go out. I'll buy you dinner.

Yeah? I mean, I think
you sort of have to now.

I booked us tickets to a lecture.

- On purpose?
- Yes, on purpose.

It's more of a talk on child psychology.

- Luke and Kwame go to them.
- All right, yeah.

Jase, this is just
something that we do now.

Okay.

Also, we should start watching the news.

- I already watch the news.
- Oh, do ya?

Yes, I do. Sometimes it's
nice to see someone else

having a worse day than you.

What you doing?

- Lesson plan.
- Mm.

- You got nice writing.
- Why, thank you.

It's nice how your generation
values good penmanship.

Oi! Get off me.

Oi! Get... J, get off me.

It's a queue. You bought us
tickets to a queue.

Stop it.

Twenty pounds? For a book
we're not even gonna read?

You have to buy the book.
It's rude otherwise.

- How long is it?
- It's about, I don't know, 400 pages.

- No, I mean the lecture.
- It's one hour.

- Then another hour.
- Mate.

It's just 20 minutes after that.

What's it even about?

"Sub... Subjectivity speak..." How
am I gonna understand the lecture

if I can't understand
the title of his book?

Twenty pound... All right, mate.

Hiya.

Could you put, um, uh,
"To Nikki and Jason.

Thank you for coming.
Always keep learning.

And good luck with the adoption"?

Sorry.

Oh, that was weird.

Shut up. I get nervous
around clever people.

Mm.

- Got all the gear, haven't you?
- Yeah.

- Three different color highlighters?
- Yeah, 'cause we might need them.

- Got your compass in there?
- No.

- Set square?
- It's not that kind of lecture.

- Protractor?
- Shut up.

Welcome, and thank
you so much for coming.

Okay, so, uh, let's slay some dragons.

What I propose is a link

between Winnicott's transitional
object and Lacan's objet petit a...

viewed in the context of
the child's development

of desire and subjectivity.

- And so, let Winnicott be our guide.
- "Allcock".

On this, I can really
recommend his whole oeuvre.

In fact, I would recommend everyone...

- What's an oeuvre?
- Don't embarrass me.

... in this room to go right back to his

clinical notes on child disorder...

So, we've understood self
as subject, self as object

and the self with object.

Okay, I think we'll
take a short break here.

Is everyone happy if I
lose this from the screen?

Oh, no, no. Hang on. Hang on.

Great.

When we come back, we'll be
moving on to self as other.

Ooh! There be monsters.

Is that it? All right, thank
God for that. Come on, let's go.

No, I'm enjoying it. I'm learning a lot.

You don't understand
this any more than I do.

Yes, I do.

Says the woman who had to pause

Avengers: Infinity War
every five minutes.

- Come on.
- At least I'm trying.

What's the matter?

- What's the matter?
- You're not taking it seriously.

'Cause this isn't us.

We hate stuff like this.

We make fun out of people
who come to stuff like this.

Well, maybe I'm tired
of being that person.

Oi!

Nikki.

- Nikki. Hey. What's going on?
- No, I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

I want to have something to
say when I talk to these people.

- What people?
- You know, the people.

The people, Jason. The people
that are gonna be judging us

and taking notes on
everything we say from now on.

You've met one bloke

who's read a book on American
politics and you flip out.

- Yeah, because I'm sick of feeling stupid!
- Nikki, you are not...

Sorry, but I am. I'm sick of panicking
in every conversation I have

just in case I use a
word in the wrong way,

or in case someone asks me
where I went to university.

- Come on. None of that stuff matters.
- It matters to me!

These people, Jason, they
always see through me,

and so will the social workers.

Well, you know what?

Screw 'em, hey? Screw 'em.

They're no better than us.

We're good people. We love
each other. We got good jobs.

Yeah, right.

There is a sign near my desk

reminding me to say my name
when I answer the phone.

We've got jobs that people get
stuck in, not jobs people choose.

Look, I might not have a fancy
title and earn lots of money,

but it's a good job, all right?

And I work hard. I work really hard.

So, can we... can we... Look...

Can we just go home? 'Cause, actually,

I'd love to just watch Avengers now.

No.

If you wanna go, go.

But I'm gonna take this seriously.

I am 33 and I want to take
something in my life seriously.

And maybe if we'd taken
ourselves seriously earlier,

we wouldn't both be stuck in jobs
that pay nothing and are really hard.

Sorry.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah, of course. Sorry, mate.

- Cheers. Thank you.
- There you go. Enjoy your meal.

Do you know that Steve Jobs
never went to university?

Nor did Oprah Winfrey.

Or, uh, Larry Ellison.

- Who's Larry Ellison?
- No idea. But he never went to university.

Is this supposed to be an apology?

If you wanna go to more talks and stuff,

then we can do that, all right?

- It's fine. It doesn't matter.
- No, no, really. I was actually...

I was quite getting
into it near the end.

There were some pretty
interesting points.

- Jason.
- Yeah.

This isn't just about us anymore.

We need to convince other
people that we're great.

I know, Nikki, but the people
that we need to convince

aren't the social workers and the
adoption panels or any of that.

It's the kids.

The kids are the ones
that have gotta love us.

And you know who loves rubbish films

and eating burgers and
hates learning stuff?

Kids.

We're gonna be their favorites.

They're all gonna wanna
come home with us.

We're gonna have to back the car
up and just start piling 'em in.

You don't have to say all this.

Who are they gonna prefer? Hmm?

People that make them go to museums

and art galleries,
or people that do this?

See?

- You got the mind of a child.
- Hmm.

They're gonna love you.

And I love you.

I love you.

You're so ridiculous.

It's all right. They'll...
They'll oeuvre it up later.

See. Look, she loves it.

Have I got something on my lip?

You're so daft.

What do you guys do?

Well, it's taken a lot.
Started training and...

- This one's ready.
- Okay.

And then the two salads and...

All right, gents. In the back!

Sofia.