Original subtitles

Everybody in the conference room now, please.

Thank you.

Time is money.

(Dwight) Do you need anything?

(Michael) No.

Should I get water or doughnuts?

No.

Come on. Let's go. Take a seat.

What's going on, Michael?

I want somebody to give me the n of one of our biggest competitor

Office Depot.

Good. Yes, that will work.

All right, now I need a plural noun.

[together] Ohh. Okay.

Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib.

And he's making us play it with him.

We are so happy.

No, I'd like to choose a different adjective.

How about a location?

The planet Caprica.

Where the hell is that?

It's from "Battlestar Galactica."

Okay, all right.

I am going back to my desk.

No, no, not until you give me an adjective.

Annoying.

We already have that, so...

(Toby) Frustrating?

No, Toby. Damn it. Come on.

We already have that. I need something fun,

something like "fat" or "smelly" or "puke-y".

Puke-y.

Puke-y's good. Okay.

Puke-y. Now I need a noun.

Ass.

Good.

Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard.

All right, here we go.

"Office Depot is an annoying store.

"One day Creed went there to buy paper

And he ran into irritating Cylons."

Yeah, get 'em, Creed.

"One of them was named Michael Scott.

And he was an"--oh, damn it.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

We're--okay, we're starting over

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

(Michael) Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night.

And we are converting our warehouse

into a full-blown gambling hall.

And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania.

But it's for charity.

And I consider myself a great philanderer.

It's just nice to know at the end of the day

I can look in the mirror and say,

"Michael, because of you,

"some little kid in the Congo

has a bellyful of rice this evening."

Just... makes you feel good.

[door opens]

Ahem.

Excuse me.

How long is the wait for a table for two?

I would never, ever serve you.

Not in a million, billion years.

It's a nice tux.

I know. It belonged to my grandfather.

He was buried in it, so... family heirloom.

(Roy) So what's the deal?

We've gotta pay for our own drinks?

That's lame. Come on, it'll be fun.

And besides, I'm a roulette expert.

Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill.

It is a game of chance.

I can always kind of win at roulette.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm?

How would you do that?

Mind control.

[chuckles] You can't be serious.

Are you serious?

Ever since I was little kid,

like eight or nine,

I could sort of control things with my mind.

I don't believe you. Continue.

(Jim) It was just little things, you know.

Like I could make something shake.

Or I could make a marble fall off the counter.

You know, just little things.

Heh! That's ridiculous.

You know what? Uh...

Why don't you move that coat rack?

Excuse me, everyone!

Attention in the office, please.

Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers.

And he needs absolute silence.

Go ahead.

Okay. I'll try.

[exhales]

Oh, my God.

I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack.

And if he did,

he has an obligation to use his gift wisely.

With great power comes great responsibility.

They could do a cross-section of his brain

to find out more.

But I don't think it's true, though.

I try not to think of it as lagging behind.

It's more of a David and Goliath thing.

(Jan) Well, the fact of the matter is,

that your branch is currently number four

of the five branches that I oversee.

Top 80%.

Michael... Yep?

You know that I'm very serious here.

Jan, listen. I promise I will kick it up a notch.

Bam!

What?

Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you--

Not that I have you or have ever had you.

But we're having our Casino Night tonight,

and I think everyone would love to see

their fearless leader here.

I thought that you were their fearless leader.

I am, but you are my Eva Perón to my César Chévez.

[guffaws]

I, um, think you can handle it probably, Michael.

Oh, come on, come on! It'd be fun.

I can hear it in your voice.

You need a break.

Goodbye, Michael.

[line clicks]

Jan and I understand each other.

The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being.

But we've remained good friends.

Good friends with privileges.

Not now. Someday.

Okay, everybody. Tonight's event

is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.

Again. We do that every year.

Well, they need our money.

They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.

It'd be nice to do something for people

who are actually suffering.

Well, Oscar, if you don't like it,

then you should concentrate on winning.

Because the person at the end of the evening

with the highest chip count will receive $500

to donate to the charity of their choice.

And they will get a mini fridge

compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

So, get your charities into Pam.

I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.

That doesn't exist anymore.

Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

No, they stopped making that show.

Well, then they need our money more than ever.

You have to pick an approved nonprofit organization.

There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton.

Delicious pea soup on Thursdays.

I'll probably give the money to them.

Something with animals.

Or people.

Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot.

And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring.

I know he didn't do it.

Maybe he did it.

My charity is the Farm Defense Fund.

It's one of the best organizations

that fights infestation of the beet army worm.

My charity is the Lackawanna County

Volunteer Sheriff's Department.

Because Dwight was a volunteer sheriff.

So I thought this was a perfect opportunity

to support slash mock him.

We are giving money that has been gambled.

Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves

and donate that money to charity?

Oh, and another fun thing.

We, at the end of the night,

are going to give the check

to an actual group of Boy Scouts.

Right, Toby? We're gonna--

Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate

to invite children since it's--

You know, there's gambling and alcohol.

And it's in our dangerous warehouse.

And it's a school night.

And, you know, Hooters is catering.

Is that enough? Should I keep going?

Why are you the way that you are?

Honestly, every time I try to do something fun

or exciting,

you make it not that way.

I hate so much

about the things that you choose to be.

Okay, you know what?

I will not donate my winnings

to Comic Relief since apparently it doesn't exist.

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Afghani. What?

Afghani. That's a dog.

No, that's Afghan.

That's a shawl.

Wait. Canine AIDS?

No, humans with AIDS. Who has AIDS?

(Jim) Guys, the Afghanistananis.

You know what? No. No.

AIDS is not funny.

Believe me. I have tried.

There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians.

JFK. AIDS. The Holocaust.

The Lincoln assassination just recently became funny.

"I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head."

[chuckles]

And I hope to someday live in a world

where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke.

It's one of my dreams.

It is extremely stressful planning a wedding

by yourself.

It's like a job.

I mean, it's fun,

but it kind of becomes like work.

I've already planned it all out in my head.

But it's just in my head.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

"Till Death Do Us Rock."

They're wedding bands. Oh.

Roy was supposed to pick the band,

but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.

Wait, wait, where are you going?

I mean, even if you don't hire a band,

you still have to watch the bands.

Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams.

I have great respect for that.

And yes, they're all probably very bad.

And that'll make me feel better

about not having dreams.

There's a KISS cover band in here.

Let's do it.

[laughter]

(Pam) I'm pretty happy these days.

I'm getting married soon,

and I'm getting along with everybody at work.

Why did I talk to Jan about transferring?

Well, you know...

I have no future here.

I have already put down the deposit.

Do you understand how a deposit works?

Mike, I am not having fire eaters in a paper warehouse.

It's Casino Night.

Like Las Vegas. There are fire eaters all over the place.

Except my warehouse.

Actually, it's my warehouse.

Actually, it's owned by Beekman Properties,

and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

Why are you here?

When Darryl was coming,

you said you wanted me here for protection.

N-N-- I said not that.

We just have a lot of stuff down there

that could be stolen.

That's ironic.

What?

That you are afraid.

Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?

Dinkin flicka.

Dinkin flicka.

I taught Mike some phrases

to help with his interracial conversations.

You know, stuff like "fleece it out,"

"gormac five, "dinkin flicka."

You know, things us Negroes say.

Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse.

Yeah, can Dunder Mifflin afford that?

Yeah, paper makin' paper.

IE money.

What?

Paper money.

[clears throat] Yeah...

the company's doing fine.

Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year.

Okay, yeah, you know what?

Don't even think--I command you to just go down

and fun tonight, all right?

Don't think about it.

Our numbers are down, yes,

but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton,

hardworking, motivated, dynamic,

every single last one of them.

They--they follow my lead.

I sort of set the tone.

And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate.

Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more

than half the battle.

Give me some.

Oot! Oot!

Oh, yeah. I taught him a handshake, too.

Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide.

They are all extremely good.

I think I should hire them all.

Do like Lollapalooza. Have three stages, yeah.

Your mom would love that.

She would.

Now this band is called Scrantonicity.

Let's take a look. Nice.

Oh, wait. That's Kevin.

On the drums. What?

On the drums! Oh, my God! That's Kevin.

[laughter] Great song, Kev.

Oh, my God. He's the drummer and the singer.

We really don't do a lot of weddings.

We actually don't play in public very often.

We're all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out.

This could be a turning point for the band.

Wow. Oh!

Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983.

That is amazing.

Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label--

No, no, no! Come back!

Hey, you're gonna lose him to another wedding. Kev!

Jim is great.

Being with him just takes away

all the stress of planning my wedding.

[telephone rings]

(Michael) Yes?

Michael, Carol Stills for you.

Who? Carol Stills.

Do I know a Carol Stills?

Your realtor.

Oh, yeah, put her through.

Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate biz?

Is it real good?

Still me.

Sometimes I don't put Michael through

until he's already said something.

I look at it as a practice run for him.

He usually does better on the second attempt.

Carol, you're on with Michael.

(Carol) Hello, Michael.

Hi, Carol. how you doing?

I'm great. I just needed one last signature

for your mortgage insurance.

Oh, hey, no problemo.

Incidentally, I love the place.

Oh, great.

Has a little bit of a weird smell.

It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

Um, can I drop it over later?

Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing

in our warehouse. Casino Night.

Oh, great.

Yeah, it'll be good.

You know what? Why don't you come by?

Bring the papers. I'll sign 'em.

And then you can stay and have a drink.

To the casino thing?

Yeah, it'll be fun. What do you--

[rings]

Oh, I'm sorry. Can you hold on?

(Pam) Michael, Jan's on line two.

Okay. Put her through.

Jan Levinson, I presume?

It's still me. Jan, here's Michael.

(Jan) Michael?

Hey, Jan. How you doing?

You know, I--I thought about it,

and you are right.

I am?

I could use a little fun.

So I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.

Uh--okay.

Incidentally, what is the charity?

AIDS.

Okay then. I will-- I'll see you tonight.

Okay. Sounds great.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Uh, hello, Carol?

Sorry about that.

(Carol) No problemo.

Right. Um...

To answer your question, yes.

What? I'd love to go.

Okay. I have to get a sitter,

but that shouldn't be a problem.

Problem. Good.

And I'll bring the papers too.

Good. All right. Sounds great.

Well, I'll see you tonight. Bye.

Bye.

Two queens on Casino Night.

I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.

Oh, my God!

Mwah! That's great!

Hey, Carol. You look great.

Thanks. Thank you for inviting me.

It looks so great in here.

Well.

That's how we do it in the paper biz.

It's European.

Michael. Yes? Ah, Dwight!

Codename Re/Max is here.

No sign of Lan Jevinson.

I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back.

Two dates.

He's got two dates tonight.

My job is keep Jan away from Carol.

And vice versa.

Michael said, "We must deceive them so as not to hurt them,

and in that way, we honor them."

Can I get you a drink?

The food is from Hooters.

A drink would be good. Okay.

Hey, Meredith, right?

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

I have this problem all the time.

I never remember people I've had sex with.

I'm your vet.

Oh, right.

And we had sex in the parking lot.

Oh, I steal things all the time.

It's just something I do.

I stopped caring a long time ago.

You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place.

Honestly, I love stealing things.

(woman) I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?

No, I'm fine. Thanks, sweetheart.

Billy, your nurse is hot.

That's my girlfriend.

Your nurse became your girlfriend. Sweet.

She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's.

She was my waitress.

Chili's is great.

Willkommen. Bienvenue.

And welcome to Monte Carlo.

[snappers explode]

Dwight.

I am no longer your boss.

Lady Fortune is your boss.

Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?

Shut it, shut it.

Will Lady Fortune be your mistress?

Only time will tell, my friends.

Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos

at the door.

Old friends. New lovers.

And the disabled. Welcome all!

Great. Okay.

Shuffle up and deal.

Let's get it started.

Black-eyed crows.

Okay, the game is no-limit Texas Hold 'Em.

Good luck, everybody.

That's at least four red chips to you, sir.

All in.

Oh!

(Michael) Bluffing is a key part of poker,

which is too bad,

because I am not very good at bluffing.

Did you believe me?

I'll call.

What are-- That's insane.

I have good cards.

Well, Toby, I went all in on the first hand,

so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards too?

So don't be stupid. Just take it back.

I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all in.

Okay, all right, whatever.

(dealer) Flip 'em.

You really screwed that up.

Way to go, Toby.

Wow.

I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you.

It felt really good to take money from Michael.

Gonna chase that feeling.

That's the normal question.

(Dwight) I expect to do very well tonight.

I have an acute ability to read people.

Jim for instance has a huge tell.

When he gets a good hand, he coughs.

[coughs]

Uh, I will raise.

[exhales]

Thanks.

It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.

Wow. Bad luck.

Ah, yeah, whatever.

Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved,

I would always be winning.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Michael.

Jan. Hi.

Look, okay. I think we're all adults here.

And it has always been my understanding

that we have an open relationship.

What are--Wait. What are you talking about?

What does that mean?

After you said you weren't coming,

I invited Carol to come.

And I don't think that I did anything wrong.

No. No, you didn't.

Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss.

Hi.

Does anyone want a drink?

No, I'm good.

Okay.

Heh. Um...

Hey, hey. Hey--what?

Jan's here.

I don't know. I think Michael is attractive.

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

Give me the dice.

Come on, Dwight. It's on you, baby.

Good evening, Dwight. What is this?

Evening, Angela. This is craps.

I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.

Then roll an eight.

Thank you, Angela.

Good luck, Dwight.

Yeah! Yeah! Mwah!

(man) That's good stuff.

(Kevin) Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going.

(man) Let it ride. Let it all ride.

Give me the dice!

Yeah, right.

"Yeah, right," what?

What was this?

[laughter] I have good cards.

Really? Mm-hmm.

And I'm gonna take you all in. Wow.

I think you're bluffing.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I think she's full of it.

Straight. Oh.

Three nines.

Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much. It was fun.

Cosmopolitan, please.

Can I get a red wine?

So, uh, so two hours. That's a long drive.

Well, it's part of the job.

You know, keep an eye on things.

So... why not?

[nervous laughter]

So how long have you and Michael been, um--

Oh, uh, well, actually,

I guess this would be our first date, I guess.

Casino Night in the warehouse.

Good sport.

Well, I'm having a nice time.

Oh, me too. Me too.

One beer, and one 7 and 7

with eight Maraschino cherries,

sugar on the rim, blended if you can.

So that's still going on, huh?

You and Kelly?

(Michael) All right!

Point is four. Shooter roll a four.

Come on, shooter!

Blow! Blow for luck.

Yeah!

Also you. Not playing favorites.

All right, here we go. Yeah!

Five. Aw, so close, so close.

Come on.

So, where are you staying, Radisson?

What? Super 8? Motel 6? Best Western.

I didn't-- Holiday Inn?

The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre?

Are you staying with Michael?

(Michael) All right!

(Kevin) I won the 2002 $2,500

No-Limit Deuce to Seven Draw Tournament

at the World Series of Poker in Vegas.

So, yeah, I'm pretty good at poker.

All in.

Okay, let's do it.

Good luck, honey.

Oh, thank you, Bobby, but it doesn't matter.

It's just fun to play.

Three queens.

(Dwight) Nice, very nice.

I have an Ace.

No, that's a flush. Oh, man!

I have a flush! Yes!

Look, I won. Look, I have all the clovers.

You want to play again?

I suck.

She took you down, huh?

I do not want to talk about it.

Hey, I saw your tape.

Your band, Scrantonicity. You guys rock.

Yeah?

Yeah, you guys want to play our wedding?

Awesome.

Did Pam say it was okay?

Whatever. I'm in charge of the music.

Dude, you will not be sorry.

Sweet.

All right. All right.

Smoke?

No, thanks.

You having fun?

Fabulous time.

I drove two and a half hours to get here.

Yeah, we all really-- Left work early, drove down here.

And I am completely underdressed.

I think you look great.

Why did I hook up with Michael?

Yeah, why did you?

It was very late, Jim. Very late and, uh...

Have you given any more thought to the transfer?

Oh, yeah.

Good. Mm-hmm.

Have you told anyone?

No. Well, you should.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, big moment.

The evening's chip leader

and winner of this beautiful mini refrigerator

courtesy of Vance Refrigeration,

Creed Bradden, Dunder-Mifflin.

Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.

Sorry, babe. I'm just beat.

It's okay. I'll see you at home. Okay.

Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?

Okay. In case you still want a honeymoon.

[laughing]

Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?

Okay. Will do.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey, how's it going? Good.

Especially after I took all your money in poker. Ha-ha, yeah.

Hey, can I talk to you about something?

About when you wanna give me more of your money?

No. Did you wanna do that now?

We can go inside. I'm feeling kinda good tonight.

I was just, um...

I'm in love with you.

What?

I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear,

but I needed you to... hear it.

Probably not good timing. I know that, I just--

What are you doing?

What do you expect me to say to that?

I just needed you to know.

Once.

Well, I, um--

I...

I can't.

Yeah.

You have no idea... Don't do that.

what your friendship means to me.

Come on. I don't wanna do that.

I wanna be more than that.

I can't.

I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things.

It's probably my fault.

Not your fault.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

Hey!

I'm leaving. Hey! Okay.

So I just wanted to congratulate you

on a fantastic evening.

Did the company proud. Thank you.

[laughing] And, uh, thanks for inviting me.

You were right. I needed it, so thanks.

Okay. Thanks for coming. Nice to meet you.

And you guys have a good time together. Okay.

Talk to you Monday. Yep.

Bye-bye. Good night.

She's a good boss.

She seems really nice.

Oh, she's great.

Love triangle drama.

All worked out in the end though.

The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming?

I did.

And Jan is really happy for me.

So actually, the hero got two girls.

He got the girl that he works with,

and he got the girl that he buys real estate from.

So I've got my New York girl and my local flavor.

Life is good.

About ten minutes ago.

No, I didn't know what to say.

Yes, I know.

Um, I don't know, Mom.

He's my best friend.

Yeah, he's great.

Yeah, I think I am.

Um, I have to go. I will.

Listen, Jim.

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