All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S05E17 Blood Drive Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Hi.

Good morning. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm from TechStar about
a new phone system for you.

I was wondering if I could
talk to Michael Scott.

I'm sorry, he's
not in right now.

[Salesman] Really? He's
never around when I come by.

Shoot.

They have new phone systems now

that can ring directly
to a salesman,

or someone presses star
and they go to accounting,

basically, 95% of my job,

but I'd like to see a machine

that puts out
candy for everyone.

Vending machine.

How about I make an
appointment to come back?

That way I know he'll be here.

That is a great idea.

[Salesman] Great.

Um.

Oh, boy.

Let's see, he's really...

Michael Scott,
manager. Hi, how are you?

- Oh, hi.
- There he is.

- Nice to meet you.
- Great.

- Yeah.
- Hey, look at that.

Whoo! I can assure you we
don't need a new system, though.

Happy with ours.

Hello, may I help you?

Jimbo.

Jim?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

[Michael] Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

[All] Hey!

Okay. I'm, uh,
I'm gonna be going.

Hey!

[All] Hey!

(laughing) What was that?

That was funny.

That was funny.

Let's go do it to somebody else.

Hey!

(bright upbeat music)

Giving blood on Valentine's
Day is an American tradition.

There's absolutely
nothing to fear.

At least while the sun is up.

After dark, oof, this
thing's a vampire magnet.

Oh, look at that.

Oh.

Cupids and hearts.

Really shoving our
faces in it this year.

You doing okay, bud?

I miss Stacy.

Yeah, I hear ya.

It's been four months
since I was with Holly

and she was way
hotter than Stacy,

so if you think you're hurting-

I can't even imagine.

[Michael] Oh.

(Jim snorts)

This is our first and only
Valentine's Day as fiances.

You're only engaged once.

Well, present company
excluded, but...

Really, Jim? On
cupid's birthday?

Yeah.

She's fine.

Oh, wow, look at
those. How nice for you.

Up there front and
center, beautiful.

I think they would
look better right here.

They're very pretty and I
wouldn't want them to fall.

(Kevin grumbles)

Just about everybody
in this office

is single right
now, including me,

and everyone is experiencing

an incredible amount
of emotional pain,

especially me, because of my
great capacity for emotion.

And it is my first
Valentine's Day since Holly,

so I think that I
am well-qualified

to understand that these
people need to be protected

from having love shoved
into their faces.

So, I received my first
Valentine from a secret admirer.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

it's time for your
dental cleaning

and maybe a checkup too.

Listen up.

It has come to my attention
that only five of you

have signed up to give blood,
and Creed has signed up twice.

That's to receive.

I've tried, I
don't weigh enough.

Oh, aren't you a treat?

Making friends left and right.

Also, I have checked
out the credentials

of the bloodmobile.

There is no reason to
believe that your blood

will be used in any ritualistic
way, nor for cloning,

nor to keep anything alive that
never should have been born.

I think you're scaring them, Dwight.

On the contrary, I'm educating
them and that soothes fear.

Jim?

What if you want
your blood to be used

for ritualistic purposes?

We'll discuss that later.

Pam, really? They're back?

I can't see them when
they're on the floor.

They're for her
to look at, Michael.

Could I have a word with you, champ?

Yes, let's have a word.

Yes.

Um, Jim.

[Jim] Mm-hmm.

Today's a very difficult day

for a lot of people
in this office.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, and the sexy
looks between you and Pam,

the general sexiness,
the flowers,

it's creating a bit of a
hostile work environment.

I understand, yeah.

It's so sexy it
becomes hostile.

[Michael] Mm-hmm.

I learned my lesson years ago.

No flowers on Valentine's Day.

This place is full
of player haters.

Oh, I actually thought we
were keeping it pretty low-key.

Well, if you guys
insist on having

your own private
little love fest-

We do.

That none of us
can be a part of-

Mm-hmm.

You can't be a part of
our relationship, Michael.

Then we are going
to have our own-

Sexy time.

No, shh, private
Valentine's Day party.

That sounds fun.

So suck it.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Hey, everybody, I just
invited Jim to suck it,

and I am cordially
inviting all of you

to a special convention,

a-a lonely hearts convention
this afternoon, singles only.

Yeah! Deal with it, Pam!

So we may not have someone
in our lives that we love,

but we do have each other.

[Dwight] Having
trouble finding a vein?

Yeah, a little.

How about now?

I've trained my
major blood vessels

to retract into my
body on command.

Also, I can retract my
penis up into itself.

How would you like the blood
to come at ya, fast or slow?

Uh, it's not really up to you.

Really?

Give me a number on a
scale of one to ten.

Six.

(Dwight exhales heavily)

Now, can I specify
who gets my blood?

No, sir.

So, my blood's gonna go in
with all the ordinary blood?

Yes.

How do I know it's not
gonna go into a person

who will later come
back to kill me?

That would be an ironic death.

If you can avoid dying
ironically then you can live forever.

I mean, it's on every
newspaper headline.

"Olympic Swimmer
Drowns in Bathtub."

"Poor Man Dies by
Falling Bag of Money."

"Child Star Dies of Old Age."

"Time-Traveling Assassin
Kills Inventor of Time Machine

by Impaling Him on Sundial.
Can't Get Back Home."

I am about to give blood,
the gift of everlasting life,

the transfer of my
bodily fluids, no.

Wow, that's a big needle, that-

You're gonna need
to lie down over here.

Okay. Hello.

Hi, I can't talk
right now, I'm sorry.

Oh, okay.

Whoo! I'm really nervous.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah?

When I get nervous,
I sort of clam up.

Oh, well, that's fine.

Whoo! It's better for
me just to be quiet, yeah.

Yeah.

(lady winces loudly)

Can I point
something out to you?

Sure.

You're actually talking a lot.

Yeah, sorry, that's
the other thing I do

when I get really nervous.

Okay, here we go.

[Nurse] All right, here we go.

Oh, god, mm!

[Nurse] Just relax.

Yeah, I'm good.

Wow, I feel like
a human juice box.

Oh, god.

(both laugh)

Uh, Hawaiian blood punch.

Oh, that's gross.

Type O-cean spray.

God, stop. Stop it.

Yeah, I-

Hey, why don't you guys come
have lunch with Bob and me?

We'll take all afternoon.

Michael is terrified of Bob.

What do you think?

I have a lot of work
to do this afternoon.

[Phyllis] Mm.

Those mines aren't
gonna sweep themselves.

We're in.

Good. See ya.

Hey, where are your flowers?

Oh, come on!

[Michael] Ugh!

What?

- I looked at the bag.
- Oh.

I looked straight at the bag.

That's not good.

Could you distract
me for a second?

Just talk about things that
don't have blood in them.

Well, okay, uh, bags.

What? That-

All right, that was a mess.

That was mean.

Um, a hat.

A hat.

A hat with no blood in it.

That is full of soup.

You're cute.

What?

[Nurse] You're done.

Oh, already?

Ah, we're did it!

Whoo! Wow, I was so
nervous about this.

I don't think I
ate for three days.

Oh.

Oh, my god, how long was I out?

What?

Excuse me, waitress,
where did the lady go?

Oh, she left.

Okay.

Oh, wait a second,
wait a second,

that's hers, this is hers.

She left her glove.

I need her name if I'm
gonna return her glove.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, we can't
give out that information.

(Michael sighs)

I found this glove
in the bloodmobile

and I believe that it
belonged to that woman,

who seemed very nice,

and we shared a lot
of the same feelings

about blood and
hats and soup, so.

[Meredith] What are you doing?

Decorating.

I'll help.

Now it's just a stupid baby.

Yeah, thanks.

It is so nice to go
out with another couple.

Anything to get out
of that office, huh?

[Phyllis] I know.

I honestly don't know how you
can work with that jack-ass,

and that other jack-ass
and that new jack-ass.

He's talking about
Michael, Dwight, and Andy.

Oh, yeah, I understood.

Well, here we all
are, alone but together.

No flowers for us.

Relationships? We don't need
no stinking relationships.

I think we should all go around

and tell our worst relationship
story and then get past it,

just blow through it, yeah?

Kelly, what about Ryan?

He treated you pretty terribly.

Well, his heart was
in the right place.

Yeah, but now his
heart is in Thailand,

along with the rest of his
body, having random sex.

Okay, sorry.

Let's, who else? Oscar?

I don't think so.

Come on, I'm sure
there's something

- you need to get off your chest.
- Thank you.

You wanna, just,
anything? You sure?

I'm sure whatever you
did wasn't your fault.

Okay, well, who else?

Imagine a young man
making long-haul deliveries

with another young man,
sharing cheap hotel rooms.

They're into the same music,
hate the same politicians.

Do you risk telling
him how you feel?

Do you say something that you
can barely admit to yourself?

Oh, god, what did you do?

I mean, not that I approve
of any of it, but...

I was stupid, I told him.

On the first leg of a trip to
Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri.

Was he into you
in like a gay way?

Moron, if he was, there
wouldn't be a story.

He told me he wasn't gay.

(all groan softly)

So now we have an eight-hour
trip in total silence.

Separate rooms, no
more tickle fights.

Really sad.

- I'm done yet.
- Oh, my god.

A week later, a friend
of mine calls me up

and he says, "I just saw him
in a gay bar in Kansas City."

- Oh, no!
- Wow.

Well, then it's a happy
ending, because he was gay.

You should call him.

I do not have a
Valentine this year.

I've recently got out of
two long-term relationships,

so I wanna wait before
I do that again.

My worst break up was
actually two breakups.

Two different men.

I was in love with both of
them, and when things went bad,

they had a duel over me.

Yeah, Dwight and
Andy, we were here.

No, this was years ago
when I was living in Ohio.

John Mark and John David.

Angela, you had two
sets of different men

actually duel over you?

I guess I have.

All right, who's
next? Where's Andy?

He's on one of his honeymoons.

What?

He made non-refundable
deposits on his honeymoons,

so he's just knocking
them off one at a time.

I think today he's
hot air ballooning,

and later he's got
a couples' massage.

Everyone here who's bowled
a 280, please raise your hand.

- No way, a 280?
- Wow, that's impressive.

Okay, now everyone here

who's bowled under
70 raise their hand.

Yikes.

- Come on, Bob, raise your hand.
- No, no, no, no.

What?

One time, you love bringing
up that one time, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Jim uses the six-pound ball.

- That is a lie.
- Yes.

That is a lie.

He bowled five frames with
this pink, sparkly thing

until a little girl had
to ask for her ball back.

But that girl must
have had monstrous hands

because the holes fit.

No, you just have
little, dainty fingers.

Huh. You could always
model ladies jewelry.

Nobody asked, Bob.

(all laugh)

My husband ran
off with some broad.

Who was she?

She was our garbage woman.

Nice.

Well, I totally get it.

I mean, she was strong,
she had a career,

she could heave a bag of garbage

as high as a two-story house.

So sorry, Meredith.

My kids call her mom now.

I guess it's for the best.

God.

If I had to guess, I
would say my soul mate

probably died 700 years
ago in Feudal Japan

after having
impersonated a samurai.

Or at the very least, she
lives somewhere outside

of the Scranton-Wilkes-Barre
corridor.

My worst breakup
was with Stacy.

It was a Sunday morning and
we were reading the paper,

and I said, "Oh, my god,

I think the eagles could
clench the NFC East."

And she said that we're done.

You know what, guys?

I don't think we
need to do this.

You're right. Okay,
everyone, back to work.

No, no, no, no, I mean
have this kind of party.

I look around and I see
all these beautiful people

who are alone on Valentine's

and I think that there
are other single people

out there too.

We just need to find them.

There's a girl out
there for all of us,

maybe even in this office park.

There has to be a way to get

all these lonely
people together.

- A net? A giant net?
- No, not a giant net, a-a-a-

What do you have in mind?

I was thinking
maybe like a mixer.

Oh, god, that's
a terrible idea.

- Old-fashioned meat market.
- No.

I don't think it is.

Lonely people mixing
with one another? Breeding?

Creating an even
lonelier generation?

You're not allowing natural
selection to do its work,

like the guy who
invented the seat belt.

Sorry, I'm alone
on Valentine's Day.

Well, not for long.

Ladies, fire up the flyer maker.

You mean the computer?

Sarcasm, Kelly, it
is very unattractive,

it is abrasive, not feminine.

[Dwight] Masculine.

I think you knew what
I was talking about.

I did not know what
you were talking about.

These people need love and
I am going to get it for them.

Who cares if we sell a little
bit less paper today?

A great boss cares more about
the happiness of his employees

than anything else.

I'm going to be cupid

and I am going to shoot my
sparrow at unsuspecting victims

and they are going to get
hit, and say, 'I'm in love!'

I was hit by cupid's sparrow.'"

Funny little bird, but
he gets the job done.

Goodbye blood drive,
hello party time!

So, give me another hypothetical.

Okay you can have sex
with any woman in the world,

who would it be?

Carol, Jan or Holly,
I imagine in constantly.

Hey, Dwight, that is not cool.

No! No, what are you
doing? Look at this.

[Dwight] What?

- Five per car.
- That seems wasteful.

It is wasteful, that's
exactly how we get attention.

Be Donald Trump,
not Donald Duck.

Scrooge McDuck was
richer than Donald Trump,

and he was very thrifty,
which supports my method.

I don't think Scrooge
McDuck ever really existed.

Uh-

Ugh!

Okay, oh wait, what is this?

Is the scorecard
where someone got 68?

(Pam laughs)

No way!

She actually
carries it with her.

I do.

That's amazing.

I thought this
was going to be like

having lunch with
my mom and dad,

but Bob isn't showing
me his appendectomy scar

and no one's criticizing
the way I hold a fork.

If you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna visit the powder room.

We do everything together.

Welcome to married life, Jimmy.

(Pam chuckles)

Guys, can you imagine
if Seann William Scott

just walked through
the door right now?

Seann William Scott works
in the Scranton Business Park?

Okay let's be
hopeful, not mopeful.

Hey.

Hey. No movement.

Ah, still early.

Eh, it's not that early.

(sighs) So how you holding up?

I'm okay, feel
a little lopsided

'cause of all the blood they
took out of my right side.

No, no, I meant about
being single today.

Oh. Meh.

Meh, exactly. Eh!

- Eh.
- Oh, here we go.

[Dwight] Hello.

[Michael] Hello.

Dwight K. Schrute.

Why don't you introduce
me to your little friend?

Hi. Dwight.

Babe alert! Hello,
I'm Michael Scott.

Welcome to our little shindig.

Oh, hi, I'm Lynn.

- Lynn, follow me, come on in.
- Off we go.

For you, we have one of
our top people, Kevin Malone.

Kevin, come out here,
show your beautiful self.

Hello.

Hi.

So run with the ball.

Run with it, Kev.

Where are you from?

I'm from here.

Yeah, okay. Well,
he only gets better.

Thank you, Michael.

Okay.

I can untie any knot.

I'm serious, name a
knot, any knot, go ahead.

Uh, I-I believe you.

You shouldn't believe
everything you hear.

In fact, there are many
knots that I cannot untie.

So where does a woman
as charming as yourself

find herself employed
on a day such as today?

Um, I work at a place
that does catalogs

for community colleges
and small businesses.

You must use a lot of paper.

Oh, god, tons of it.

Oh. (sighs)

What's the rule about eating

when people are in the bathroom?

I think if you ordered hot
food, you're allowed to eat.

Oh, damn.

They've been in there
for like 10 minutes.

Look at that, Bob
ordered hot food.

Yes, and I think they
gave him too many fries.

We should help him out.

This is my desk.

Someday it'll be in a museum.

(she chuckles awkwardly)

Would you like to
see my bobble-heads?

Sure.

Okay.

Watch this.

Excuse me, bobble-head,
is this woman attractive?

(both laugh)

Actually, it works
with anything you say.

Is she unattractive?

See, it's just
plastic with a spring.

See that? That's
what makes it bobble.

Hmm.

All right, the circle
drive-in, they show old movies.

It's really cool.

That does sound cool.

I used to go there
with my fiancee.

Before she left me.

Oh.

No, I-I mean,
before I left her.

She left me.

Stupid!

I think I blew it.

It all happened so fast.

So fast.

So, Erik, you mentioned before

that you are in
tool and dye repair.

I am.

Meredith recently had
a total hysterectomy,

so that's sort of a repair.

All right, I'll
let you guys talk.

It's going very well,
people are mixing.

A lot of hope, 'cause
that's what you hate to see,

when hope gets crushed.

Sorry, thought I heard
somebody coming in.

Um, so, it's not too late.

(Michael inhales deeply)

And the kind of discounts
we're talking about are not,

hold on, hold on.

Michael, why do you keep
looking at the front door?

- No reason.
- Is somebody after you?

Why do you always go to that?

Has anyone ever been after
anyone in this office?

Hey, it just takes one.

Nobody's after me.

I just, I met a woman
when I was giving blood

and I thought she might come by.

You met a woman when
you were giving blood?

That is so romantic.

It's not a big deal, really.

I just, you know, met
somebody, we hardly talked.

I picked up her glove,

so I was hoping I could
give it back to her.

Oh, my god, that makes
it even more romantic.

This is like a
modern-day "Enchanted."

It's like a fairy tale.

She could be your soul mate.

Oh, not likely.

There are three billion
women on the planet,

most of them live in Asia, so
the numbers just don't add up.

- It's possible.
- She could be.

Believe me, it's nothing,
I hardly even talked to her.

We just, we were lying
there next to each other,

I think our blood bags touched.

Aw!

(Michael chuckles)

Here they come.

What?

No, just kidding.

Seriously, though,
that's enough.

Well, you should cover
it with the broccoli.

Oh, great, I have to cover it?

[Pam] Do you think
they dined and dashed?

Well, they didn't dine.

So yeah, maybe they just dashed.

I thought we were
having a nice time.

We were.

Yeah.

Empty.

[Pam] Mine, too.

(people moaning)

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my god.

Okay.

Oh, also, my parents
never ditched me

to go have sex in the
handicap restroom,

so that's another difference.

How old are you?

Wait, let me guess.

30. No, no, no, 60.

34.

Cool beans, me too.

What year were you born?

Hi, is this the party?

Nah.

(all sigh)

(they chatter faintly)

(Phyllis whistles)

Okay, then.

So?

Where were we?

Ah, bowling.

- Mm.
- Yep, yep, yep.

[Jim] Mm-hmm.

You didn't eat
much there, Jimbo.

Oh, initially I did.

Want some meat?

Oh, sure, a little piece.

Whoo, no mushroom, though.

[Bob] Forgot.

[Phyllis] Yeah, thank you.

(Phyllis chuckles)

I'm not hungry anymore.

Is this the mixer?

[Angela] Ooh!

Okay, that's no good,
could be competition.

Oh, definitely, he's got
a much better body than you.

Yes, he does. Dwight, can
you get rid of him, please?

On it.

Excuse me, I'm so sorry,
the mixer's been canceled.

Uh.

Oh, um-

Yeah, you better scram,
you listen to the man.

I'll walk you out to make
sure you don't come back.

Thanks.

- I'm Kelly, by the way.
- Happy Valentine's Day.

Hey.

I'm sorry we did not have
a chance to talk more.

Yeah.

I get very nervous
talking to pretty girls.

Seriously, feel how
sweaty my hand is.

That's really sweaty.

Are you on email?

[Woman] Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Okay, bye.

Bye, Kevin.

Good Valentine's.

So, basically, the greater
volume you decide to buy in,

the greater discount
we can give you.

Okay.

Okay? What's up?

Look, I'm-I'm
gonna go, okay, so-

Oh, whoa, whoa, before you go,

I'd just love to get a
firm commitment on this.

- Um-
- You know, maybe sign?

Look, we already
have a paper supplier.

Okay, well thanks for
wasting my time tonight, idiot.

God!

Hey, you don't deserve her.

Thanks, Michael.

Hey, if anybody wants to go...

We can stay a little longer.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- We'll hang out.
- Sure, Michael.

- No, this is great.
- Absolutely.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Michael, it's time.

You know what? You guys,
you guys can head out.

I'm, I'm gonna soldier
on a little bit.

Come on, we'll all go.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go.

Yeah.

Okay.

Four months ago, I dated
a woman named Holly

and, um, this is
actually the first time

that I've even considered

getting back into
that arena again.

You know what?

Sometimes it's not about whether

Cinderella gets
her slipper back,

but it's about the
fact that the prince

even picked up the
slipper at all.

There's a lot of
princesses out there.

You know, they have
all different sizes

and shapes of feet and hands,

so I think, I think my
odds are pretty good.

Pardon me, may I have
a chocolate chip cookie?

I gave blood earlier and
I'm still feeling woozy.

Of course.

That's weird, you got
a cotton ball and tape

and we've been using band-aids.

I, uh, oh, I feel
so woozy, I just, uh.

It's band-aids.

Ah, damn!

(bright upbeat music)