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1
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,886
[Dwight] Today smoking is
going to save lives.
2
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:15,515
Fire!
3
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:16,433
Oh, fire?
4
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:17,308
Oh, my goodness!
5
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:18,184
What's the procedure?
6
00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:20,603
(all clamoring)
7
00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:22,564
(Angela screams)
8
00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:23,982
(window shatters)
9
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,233
Help!
10
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,027
There is no fire, it
was only a simulation.
11
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:29,696
(Stanley thuds)
12
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,698
How could you possibly
think this is a good idea?
13
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:33,491
I can't keep
doing this forever.
14
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,909
It's been 20 seconds.
15
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,620
(onlookers shouting)
16
00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:38,830
Stanley?
17
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:39,998
Are you okay?
18
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:43,001
(woman screams)
19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,003
Tell me why you had to
cut the face off the dummy.
20
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,589
I'm gonna need you to sign
this statement of regret
21
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,549
as an acknowledgement
that you heard it.
22
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,842
Pam's parents
are going through
23
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,469
a little bit of a rough
patch in their marriage.
24
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:55,013
I am trying to distract her
by watching a movie at work.
25
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,473
Nice to meet
you, Mrs. Hanaday.
26
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:57,349
(device beeping)
27
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:58,183
What is that?
28
00:00:58,224 --> 00:00:59,726
People.
29
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:00,977
Please, I told you to get
rid of the cell phones.
30
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,021
It's my biofeedback machine.
31
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,774
Michael, I think you're
what's stressing everybody out.
32
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:08,860
(device beeping rapidly)
33
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:13,156
(bright upbeat music)
34
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,437
(Michael sighs)
35
00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:52,696
Hey.
36
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:53,697
{\an8}How you doing?
37
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:54,906
{\an8}We're outta mayonnaise.
38
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,408
Is there mustard in there?
39
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,701
Yes. So?
40
00:01:57,742 --> 00:01:59,577
Well, what were
you gonna make?
41
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:00,370
I wasn't gonna make anything.
42
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,207
{\an8}Sometimes when I am down,
43
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,918
{\an8}I will have a tablespoon
of mayonnaise.
44
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,336
{\an8}It's a little gross, but...
45
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,095
I don't get it.
46
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,597
Do I stress you out?
47
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,016
{\an8}Nothing stresses me out.
48
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:25,061
Except having to seek the
approval of my inferiors.
49
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:25,937
Oh.
50
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,105
Speaking of which.
51
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:34,320
(sighs) Oh, Dwight.
52
00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,905
I am a good person.
53
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:36,865
I'm a good person.
54
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,533
Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,035
You are. You're a good person.
56
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,119
I'm a good person.
57
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,370
Why can't they just see that?
58
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,372
You just put my
pen in your pocket.
59
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}No, I didn't.
60
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:47,167
{\an8}I own all the pens
in this place.
61
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,460
{\an8}No, I brought
that in from home.
62
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:49,502
{\an8}It says Washington Mutual on it.
63
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,670
It has a little piece of chain.
64
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:51,504
Okay.
65
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:54,424
Empty your pockets.
66
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,760
Meeting is over, Dwight.
67
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:57,886
Jerk.
68
00:02:57,927 --> 00:02:59,054
You're a jerk.
69
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,310
(bleep) that.
70
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,438
{\an8}Remember when people
used to say boss
71
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,983
{\an8}when they were describing
something that was really cool?
72
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:17,030
{\an8}Like, "Those shoulder pads
are really boss, man."
73
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:18,531
{\an8}"Look at that perm.
74
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,367
{\an8}"That perm is so boss."
75
00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,328
{\an8}It's what made me
want to become a boss.
76
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,208
{\an8}And I looked so good in
a perm and shoulder pads.
77
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:34,172
{\an8}But now boss is just
slang for jerk in charge.
78
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,179
How many signatures
do you have?
79
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:41,930
Two.
80
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:42,931
Three if I count myself.
81
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,140
Nice, you're almost there.
82
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,684
And it'll be four
when you sign it.
83
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,518
Three.
84
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,394
And no.
85
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,228
Do it.
86
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:53,900
Did you ever think, and
I'm just speculating here,
87
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,985
that maybe you're
part of the problem?
88
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:57,195
(scoffs) I think I would know
89
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,113
if I was part of
the problem, Jim--
90
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,656
You only have two signatures.
91
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:00,490
Three.
92
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,034
Okay.
93
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,285
If I was part of the problem,
94
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,079
and I'm just speculating here,
95
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,416
what would you suggest I do?
96
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:12,502
I'd smile more.
97
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,005
You have a great smile.
98
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,131
It lights up a room.
99
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,675
Let's see the smile.
100
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,843
Nice.
101
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:21,594
Now, tense your chin.
102
00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,388
Put your neck back a bit.
103
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,431
Yeah, great.
104
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,432
Now give me a wink.
105
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,227
(camera snaps)
106
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,562
Perfect.
107
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:31,396
You got me.
108
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,230
All right.
109
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,407
I brought you
some lunch, Stanley.
110
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,366
You did?
111
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,076
- [Phyllis] Mm-hm.
- Thank you.
112
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,619
What is that?
113
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,955
It's a three bean salad,
Kashi, and Brussels sprouts.
114
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,498
[Stanley] Oh.
115
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,500
If you don't like it,
you don't have to eat it.
116
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,711
No, I appreciate it.
117
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:55,962
Wow.
118
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,757
You must be really
freaked out to eat that.
119
00:04:58,798 --> 00:04:59,924
How long do you have
to live, anyway?
120
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:00,884
[Phyllis] Andy, please.
121
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:02,510
Hey, well, what's going on?
122
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,345
Stanley, you okay?
123
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,429
I'm fine.
124
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,847
God!
125
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,766
Phyllis, did you
take off your shoe?
126
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:08,641
No.
127
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:09,642
It's Stanley's lunch.
128
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,644
Ew.
129
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,771
No wonder you're dying.
130
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:15,357
If you'll excuse me.
131
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,191
Yep.
132
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:17,442
Ready to go to the bathroom?
133
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,110
I am not going to
the bathroom with you.
134
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,612
Please stop trying to help me.
135
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,906
Stanley, we just
want you to get better.
136
00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,282
How can I get better?
137
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,617
Since this happened, I
haven't had a single moment
138
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,535
where I haven't been
reminded that I'm sick
139
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,621
and probably gonna
die in this office.
140
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,998
Not one single moment!
141
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:36,086
How do I get these people
to be honest with me?
142
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,963
I want to run the kind of office
143
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,383
where anyone can walk
through my door and say,
144
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:44,386
"Michael, you're
doing this all wrong."
145
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,971
Because then I can
say, "No, no, no, no.
146
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,516
"This is why I'm doing
it the way I'm doing it.
147
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,685
"Actually you're wrong."
148
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:52,936
"Oh, of course.
149
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:54,729
"Yes, my mistake.
150
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,189
"That's why you're the best."
151
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,359
Okay, everybody,
I figured it out.
152
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:03,655
The reason that you are
all so stressed around me
153
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,533
is that you are too
intimidated to tell me
154
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:08,576
what you really think.
155
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,662
You are keeping
these feelings inside
156
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,831
and that is causing stress.
157
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,457
So what is a solution?
158
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:18,670
Solution is honesty,
laughter, and comedy.
159
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,671
In short--
160
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,547
Vacation.
161
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:21,506
Eh, mm, what?
162
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:22,674
No, no.
163
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,259
No.
164
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,678
The only funny vacation is
a National Lampoon vacation.
165
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,725
I am talking about a
roast of Michael Scott!
166
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,643
Oh, come on!
167
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,103
Who here has Comedy
Central roast channel?
168
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,271
You've seen it, right?
169
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:37,564
Everybody gets together
170
00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:40,233
and you start hurling
insults at the one guy
171
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,152
and everybody's laughing
172
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,195
and everybody is
hugging each other.
173
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,405
Michael, are you serious?
174
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,448
You really want us
to roast to you?
175
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:47,991
Mm, si, senor.
176
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,075
That's offensive.
177
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,326
(laughs) It's not!
178
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,120
It's not offensive
during a roast.
179
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,621
Anything goes.
180
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,040
And I want you guys to
really get cracking on this.
181
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,708
I want you to take me down.
182
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,209
Don't hold back.
183
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,880
I want you to really make
fun of anything about me.
184
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,214
Could be my race,
185
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,050
could be the fact
that I'm so fit
186
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,968
or I'm a womanizer.
187
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:07,969
Fair game.
188
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,346
Whatever.
189
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,388
I don't want to write
your stuff for you,
190
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,515
but I just want it to be good.
191
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,391
When I was a kid,
192
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,267
there was nothing better than
193
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,852
the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast.
194
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:19,022
Everybody had fun.
195
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,231
And by the end of it,
196
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,734
nobody was scared of
Dean Martin anymore.
197
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,736
We just felt bad for him.
198
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,071
Oh my god.
199
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,156
Oh man.
200
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,949
(laughing) Oh, my god.
201
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,618
I consider myself
a good person.
202
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,662
But I'm gonna try
to make him cry.
203
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,915
We shouldn't be
doing this at work.
204
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,958
It's a bad idea.
205
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,169
But I'm powerless to stop it.
206
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,672
The only thing I've
ever roasted is a chicken.
207
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,049
"Hey chicken, your nose is
so big I thought you were
208
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,425
"a turkey vulture."
209
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,804
'Cause turkey vultures have...
210
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,639
Back when I had anger issues,
211
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:55,475
I used to blow my
top over nothing.
212
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,727
So, this will be
a good opportunity
213
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,688
to get some blood flowing
through those veins
214
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:03,149
in my neck and forehead
again. (chuckles)
215
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,447
Ah!
216
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,783
Oh, god, that's a good rush.
217
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,953
I miss that.
218
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,413
To quote Michael,
219
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,165
"This'll be like shooting
fish in a barbell."
220
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,671
(telephone ringing nearby)
221
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:30,468
(pencil scrawling)
222
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:35,640
I can already feel people's
stress starting to melt.
223
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,850
I think they're
very excited about
224
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,393
paying their respects this way.
225
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:44,524
I've got to make sure that
YouTube comes down to tape this.
226
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,154
So that's the stage?
227
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,155
Yes.
228
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,281
All right, yeah.
229
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,282
You know, that'll work.
230
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,742
That'll work for my roast.
231
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,326
Supposed to be working
as a warehouse--
232
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,829
Well, this is all
about morale, Darryl.
233
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,457
I will need a big chair.
234
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,834
Comfy chair, like a throne
235
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,002
for the,
236
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,172
the man of honor and
237
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,423
I think all the other roasters
238
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,008
should be up here
on stage as well.
239
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,092
Everyone's on the stage?
240
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,302
Yeah, like a
Comedy Central roast.
241
00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:13,636
Who's in the audience?
242
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,013
The audience will
be in the audience.
243
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,222
We'll charge $10 a head.
244
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,140
Charge who?
245
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,350
We'll need alcohol,
246
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,893
because that's very
important for a roast.
247
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,436
You need to get people drunk.
248
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,313
And you need something to spit.
249
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,274
You gonna be spitting in here?
250
00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:27,275
Spit takes, yes.
251
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,443
I'll be doing some spit takes.
252
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,861
If it's funny enough.
253
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,029
Or I'll do finger guns.
254
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,030
Or...
255
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,365
(slapping thigh)
256
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,408
(Michael laughing)
257
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,243
Right? Sammy Davis Jr move.
258
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,661
But you know that.
259
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,872
Or I will double over or I will
do the point, like,
260
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,290
"Oh!
261
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,124
"You got me!"
262
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,376
What?
263
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,460
I got your big
picture you wanted.
264
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,379
No, no, no, no! I need a big picture.
265
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,296
Something to cover the
whole back of the dais.
266
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,214
I have to go to the printer.
267
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,590
Well, go, please.
268
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,217
Oh, and get me a
drum and a cymbal.
269
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,301
I want to do bah-dump-bumps.
270
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,219
Rim shots.
271
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,220
No, bah-dump-bumps.
272
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,346
Technical term is rim shots.
273
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:59,391
(Michael mocking)
274
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,643
What else could I
do when I'm laughing?
275
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:03,728
What I need are some comebacks.
276
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,939
Some zappy zingers.
277
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,233
"Do I go to where you work
278
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,026
"and tell you how
to flip burgers?"
279
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,403
Steve Martin.
280
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,654
Although they all work here
281
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,072
and I often tell
them what to do.
282
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,615
So, not applicable.
283
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,702
There he is, everyone's
favorite redhead.
284
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,163
Hi Dwight, what's up?
285
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,540
Hi, Toby.
286
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,500
Nothing, just wanted
to come by and
287
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,420
make some small talk.
288
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:33,341
Talk about your work,
if you're enjoying it.
289
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,843
You want me to sign your form?
290
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,095
Oh, I hadn't even
thought about that,
291
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,304
but well, since you ask.
292
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:47,105
Wanna order some Girl Scout
cookies from my daughter?
293
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,231
Girl Scouts?
294
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,733
I don't know.
295
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,109
I think it's kind of
dangerous to teach young girls
296
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,194
self-esteem and
leadership skills.
297
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,738
I don't know.
298
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,364
Maybe the two of us should
meet for an hour or two
299
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,741
to discuss your progress.
300
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,663
I'll take a case of Do-si-dos.
301
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,916
You really don't
have to do that.
302
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:09,419
Oh, it's okay, I insist.
303
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,421
I love Do-si-dos.
304
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,589
They're good.
305
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,633
Plus, I just
milked the goats, so.
306
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,509
Oh.
307
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:18,636
Okay.
308
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,513
- [Dwight] Perfect timing.
- Yeah.
309
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,682
(telephone rings)
310
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,392
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
311
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,436
Oh, hey, Mom.
312
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:29,689
No.
313
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:32,567
What did Dad say?
314
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,947
What did you say to my dad?
315
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,199
What?
316
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,492
After you talked,
he called my mom
317
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,493
and said he was gonna
look for an apartment.
318
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,410
Oh, my god.
319
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:43,703
Pam, I don't know, I...
320
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,539
Nothing.
321
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,791
Truly, nothing.
322
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,542
I mean, I just was
honest with him and I...
323
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,920
I'm so sorry, I don't know.
324
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,839
I'll call him again, uh...
325
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:02,138
50% of marriages end
in divorce, so...
326
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,600
It was her parents
or my parents.
327
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:09,854
What could Jim have said
328
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,564
to make my dad want
to leave my mom?
329
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,567
And at what point in our
marriage is he
330
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:15,985
gonna say it to me?
331
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:19,072
I, I don't remember
exactly what I said.
332
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,616
But I know for sure these
are words that I didn't say:
333
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,743
Divorce, apartment.
334
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,079
Uh, freedom, online dating.
335
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,207
Honestly, I don't
know what happened.
336
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,127
If my parents can't make it,
then what chance do we have?
337
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,212
Especially considering
my fiancee is so great
338
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,422
at breaking couples up.
339
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:39,426
But if you'll excuse me, I
have to go roast my boss.
340
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,726
Sign in on the sign in
sheet, the clipboard.
341
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,227
This meeting's mandatory.
342
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,980
If you do not sign in, your
name will not be counted.
343
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:53,314
Thank you.
344
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,315
Hey.
345
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,817
This is your apology letter.
346
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,320
It was the last
signature I needed.
347
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,447
(Michael clapping)
348
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:01,948
Woo!
349
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,491
Welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome, welcome!
350
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,076
You are all jerks!
351
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,412
Just kidding.
352
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,122
Not yet, anyway.
353
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:12,083
Welcome to the roast
of Mr. Michael Scott.
354
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,793
If you're here for
the Grabowski wedding,
355
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,712
it is the second
door on the left.
356
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,090
So, we all know how these work.
357
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,342
Needs to get crazy.
358
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,010
Take your best shot.
359
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,887
I am going to sit
right over chair
360
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:28,141
and, uh, whoever wants
to come up and roast me,
361
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,059
you may.
362
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:29,893
Okay.
363
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:33,855
Lower the mic for the midget!
364
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,486
If you ever wondered whether
you were Michael Scott,
365
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:40,862
here's a quiz to help.
366
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,366
If you ever put
sunblock on a window,
367
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,493
you might be Michael Scott.
368
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,078
(all laugh)
369
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:50,330
I normally don't enjoy
making people laugh.
370
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,417
If you ever called
the fire department
371
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:57,671
'cause your head was stuck in
your chair, you might be...
372
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,089
[All] Michael Scott!
373
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,549
(all laughing)
374
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,468
(clapping)
375
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,886
Hey, hey!
376
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,180
I don't go make
burgers where you work
377
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:10,809
and then tell you how to
make burgers! (laughs)
378
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,186
I have made a list of people
that I would make out with
379
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:15,563
before I would make
out with Michael Scott.
380
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:16,898
A turtle.
381
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,775
- A fridge.
- [Man] Yeah.
382
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:19,776
Anybody from the warehouse.
383
00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,027
(warehouse table cheers)
384
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,237
A wood chipper.
385
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,571
Kevin.
386
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,073
A candle.
387
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,574
And Lord Voldemort.
388
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,076
Anyway, happy birthday, Michael.
389
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,077
Yeah.
390
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:30,370
You'd be so lucky!
391
00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,204
(all clapping)
392
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,080
Good one.
393
00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,164
Michael.
394
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,040
(Michael chuckles)
395
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,625
You ran over me with your car.
396
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:38,086
(bangs rim shot)
397
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:42,048
You posted a picture of my bare
boobs on the bulletin board
398
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,926
with a caption
that said, "Gross."
399
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,052
Well...
400
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,638
Michael, you are
the reason I drink.
401
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,307
You are the reason
I live to forget.
402
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:55,770
(Michael finger guns)
403
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,439
The only man in the state of Pennsylvania
404
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,441
who is less likely to get
legally married than me
405
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:00,775
is Michael Scott.
406
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,569
(all laughing)
407
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:05,155
Michael is so bad with money,
408
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,531
he invested in Enron.
409
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,574
Last week!
410
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,117
(all laughing)
411
00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:09,784
That was...
412
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:10,952
That was privileged.
413
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:11,995
He thinks
balancing a checkbook
414
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,538
is putting a
checkbook on his nose
415
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,290
and shouting, "Look
at me, look at me!"
416
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,750
(all laughing)
417
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:21,129
(Oscar speaking
foreign language)
418
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,422
It wasn't hard.
419
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:23,673
I just wrote down
some of the stuff
420
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:26,051
that I usually yell
on my car ride home.
421
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:26,718
(all clapping)
422
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,470
Nope. No!
423
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,304
Friends only.
424
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,180
Friends only!
425
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:35,518
These are actually injuries
that Michael has had,
426
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,645
starting off with
repeated burnt tongue
427
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:40,732
from overeager
Pop-Tart consumption.
428
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,817
(all laughing)
429
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:46,071
Torn ACL from trying to
hurdle Angela one day.
430
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,739
(all laughing)
431
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:50,075
Bruised testes, same scenario.
432
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,744
You burned your foot
on a Foreman Grill.
433
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,413
(all laughing)
434
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,707
These are just a few things
that have been caught
435
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:58,792
in Michael's zipper:
436
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,002
His finger, a sandwich,
437
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,463
Kevin's finger, trying
to remove that sandwich.
438
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,675
(all laughing)
439
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:07,967
Big question mark.
440
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,844
That would stand for
a list of contents
441
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,013
that are in Michael's
stomach that we know of:
442
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,598
A pound of chewing gum,
443
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,183
two peach pits,
444
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:19,104
at least five keys from the
Houdini Magic Handcuff set.
445
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,522
(all laughing)
446
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:25,026
Oh, his new favorite are
these new edible M&M wrappers.
447
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,654
But they're not edible, 'cause
it was an internet hoax.
448
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:29,572
(all laughing)
449
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:30,865
What else?
450
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,867
Well, several times a
day, Michael says words
451
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,453
that are way beyond
my vocabulary--
452
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,663
I know where this is going!
453
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:38,456
- Do you?
- No.
454
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,290
Okay.
(Michael laughs)
455
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,083
Remember spider face?
456
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,001
No.
457
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,210
Okay, 'cause the quote was,
458
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:43,753
"Cut off your nose
to spider face."
459
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,130
Spider, okay.
460
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,798
(all laughing)
461
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:47,841
[Jim] Yep.
462
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,677
How dare you all
attack him like this?
463
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:51,845
Oh, stop it. Dwight!
464
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,138
Michael is your superior.
465
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,016
Okay? You should be bowing down
in front of him.
466
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,892
Dwight, you're supposed
to do it this way.
467
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,562
(Dwight and Michael crosstalk)
468
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,730
[Michael] Idiot. Idiot.
469
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:04,065
- Are you calling me an idiot?
- Idiot.
470
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,692
Don't you ever
talk to me that way.
471
00:17:05,734 --> 00:17:07,569
You pathetic, short, little man.
472
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,238
You don't have any friends
or any family or any land!
473
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:13,783
(all cheering)
474
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:14,701
Yeah!
475
00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:16,077
(all clapping)
476
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,370
Well, I just want
to take a minute
477
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,414
to talk to you all about
something very serious.
478
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:24,419
Once every hour, someone is
involved in an internet scam.
479
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:25,920
That man is Michael Scott.
480
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,213
(all laughing)
481
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,716
He's supporting about
20 Nigerian princesses.
482
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,051
Hey, you know what?
483
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:34,054
Forgive me for caring, right?
484
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:37,140
Well, you know, Michael
is a great delegator.
485
00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:39,434
He never does any
work himself, ever.
486
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,353
(Dwight laughing and clapping)
487
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,980
And one time I walked
in on him naked
488
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,067
and his thing is so small.
489
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:49,069
[Kevin] How small is it?
490
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,945
If it were an iPod,
it would be a shuffle!
491
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,531
(all exclaiming)
492
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,991
Uh, can we make just
a little announcement?
493
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:57,786
In a professional roast,
usually the roaster
494
00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,580
will say something
nice about the roastee
495
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:01,831
after they're done,
496
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,625
something about how
much they love them.
497
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,794
So, just keep that in mind.
498
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:07,796
Mike claims
we're all a family,
499
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:08,630
- isn't that right?
- We are.
500
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:09,506
We are a family.
501
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,591
Oh, okay, so, um...
502
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:12,884
What's his name?
503
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,302
All the way in the back there.
504
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,887
Oh, very funny.
505
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,472
What's his name?
506
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,599
Uh... (laughs)
507
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,226
I'm thinking Roy.
508
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,977
[Darryl] Roy left years ago.
509
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,312
What's his name?
510
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:26,147
I don't believe I
have had the pleasure.
511
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,066
Michael, I gave you
a ride home last week
512
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,527
and we spent an hour in traffic.
513
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:31,486
What's his name?
514
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:32,487
Jefferson.
515
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:33,363
Nope.
516
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,407
His name is Michael.
517
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,453
(drum bangs rim shot)
518
00:18:40,495 --> 00:18:42,664
I'm sorry, everyone,
I know I took my turn,
519
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,833
but I've got Jan on the phone
520
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,584
and she wants to
say a few words.
521
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,502
Okay.
522
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,336
- Go on.
- Yeah!
523
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,754
Jan!
524
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,256
[Oscar] Go ahead.
525
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,841
[Jan] Well, Michael,
you ruined my life, okay?
526
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,218
Everything you
touch turns to crap.
527
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:58,013
Michael, you have no sense
of how to please any woman.
528
00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,597
[Michael] Yeah--
529
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,807
[Jan] I can't believe that
once you wrote a phone message
530
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:02,350
on my diploma!
531
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:05,103
And you used my daughter's
christening gown as a bib
532
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:06,062
when you ate ribs.
533
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,439
I mean, you're just...
534
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,898
[Michael] I, okay--
535
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:09,858
[Jan] You're just
completely an ass, Michael.
536
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,443
- Hey.
- [Jan] You're an ass!
537
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,196
(all laugh)
538
00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:18,825
There is more plastic
in that woman's chest
539
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:20,118
than most people.
540
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,538
(Andy strumming guitar)
541
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:28,001
♪ What I hate about you ♪
542
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:31,880
♪ You really suck as a boss ♪
543
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,423
♪ You're the losiest, jerkiest ♪
544
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:38,053
♪ And you're dumber
than apple sauce ♪
545
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,555
♪ We're stuck listening
to you all day ♪
546
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:43,099
♪ Stanley tried to
die just to get away ♪
547
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,268
♪ Well, it's true ♪
548
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:48,313
♪ That's what I hate about you ♪
549
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,440
♪ That's what I hate about you ♪
550
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:53,610
(all clapping)
551
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:56,446
(Andy vocalizing)
552
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,701
Yeah!
553
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,912
(all clapping)
554
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:07,999
And now, a man who
deserves no introduction,
555
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,000
Michael Scott.
556
00:20:12,212 --> 00:20:14,297
(chuckling) Thank
you very much.
557
00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:16,299
Thank you. That was great.
558
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:20,095
Great job, some great laughs.
559
00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:24,307
Really, really went after
my intelligence there.
560
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:28,228
(clears throat) Dozens
of online IQ tests
561
00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,063
might prove you wrong, but...
562
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:34,401
And my thing isn't
tiny, it's average, so,
563
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:37,278
get your facts straight.
564
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:42,075
(clears throat) So, when I
heard that there was going to be
565
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,660
a roast in my honor,
566
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,871
I thought... (clears throat)
567
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:49,082
Sorry. (chuckles)
568
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,458
I think I have a
frog in my throat.
569
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:51,334
Um...
570
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:57,674
(sighs) I decided to jot
down some quick thoughts
571
00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:59,092
about you people.
572
00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:01,177
Um...
573
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:06,641
First up, uh, Phyllis and Kevin.
574
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,019
Um...
575
00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:14,524
(Michael sighs)
576
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:19,738
(drum clatters)
577
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,795
(telephone rings)
578
00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,339
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
579
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,091
Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's
not here right now.
580
00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:41,343
Can I take a message?
581
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:46,264
Great. I will. Thanks.
582
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:52,520
It's very unusual for
Michael not to show up to work.
583
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,773
My guess, he's either
deeply depressed
584
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,817
or an icicle has snapped off
his roof and impaled his brain.
585
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:00,403
He has this terrible habit of
586
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:02,155
standing directly
underneath them
587
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:03,615
and staring up at them.
588
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:05,033
And I always say,
589
00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:06,326
"Michael, take two steps back
590
00:22:06,368 --> 00:22:07,577
"and stare at the
icicle from the side."
591
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,204
And he's like, "No, I
like the way they look
592
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:11,247
"from standing directly
underneath them."
593
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:13,875
It was only a matter of time.
594
00:22:15,418 --> 00:22:19,923
Michael is so dumb that
he tries to put his M&Ms
595
00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:22,342
in alphabetical order. (giggles)
596
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,135
All right, Kevin.
597
00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:25,345
Enough with the Michael jokes.
598
00:22:25,387 --> 00:22:27,013
I think he got it
bad enough yesterday.
599
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:28,306
I'm almost done.
600
00:22:28,348 --> 00:22:30,684
That reeks and
I'm trying to eat.
601
00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,894
Attention, everyone, I've
just got a text from Michael.
602
00:22:32,936 --> 00:22:34,688
He says "Personnel day."
603
00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:35,563
Are we hiring?
604
00:22:35,605 --> 00:22:37,357
Yep. You're being replaced.
605
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,109
I think he meant personal day.
606
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,193
I don't know, that's
quite a leap, Pam.
607
00:22:40,235 --> 00:22:42,237
I hope he's okay. I feel bad.
608
00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:43,071
Give it up.
609
00:22:43,113 --> 00:22:44,864
He's dead.
610
00:22:44,906 --> 00:22:46,282
He just sent a text.
611
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:47,450
What's a text?
612
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:50,578
This is not good.
613
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:53,206
Michael is probably very upset.
614
00:22:53,248 --> 00:22:55,875
And when he's upset, I'm upset.
615
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,546
I just wish I knew for
sure if Michael was upset
616
00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,673
so I could know if I
should be upset, too.
617
00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:13,476
Caw, caw!
618
00:23:16,146 --> 00:23:16,938
Caw, caw!
619
00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:21,359
Caw!
620
00:23:23,737 --> 00:23:26,364
Every now and then
you just have to
621
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:27,949
recharge the batteries.
622
00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:30,994
Which I forgot to
do this morning,
623
00:23:31,036 --> 00:23:34,039
so my cell phone and my
laptop were both dead.
624
00:23:35,874 --> 00:23:38,126
[Woman] You were
with him, weren't you?
625
00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:38,960
Answer me!
626
00:23:40,503 --> 00:23:41,713
I am your Nana.
627
00:23:44,299 --> 00:23:45,592
And he is my lover.
628
00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:52,057
You whore.
629
00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:57,312
This is so badly done.
630
00:23:57,354 --> 00:23:59,481
Sam is a man.
631
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,108
He needs a woman,
632
00:24:02,150 --> 00:24:04,402
not a little girl
in grade school.
633
00:24:05,987 --> 00:24:09,949
Nana, I'm 27.
634
00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:14,871
Or it's like, super well done
to make me tense and angry.
635
00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:20,126
[Mrs. Hanaday] I gave
you a doll last Christmas.
636
00:24:20,168 --> 00:24:21,628
[Woman] I know.
637
00:24:21,670 --> 00:24:24,964
Or I'm just insanely
jealous about how good it is.
638
00:24:26,758 --> 00:24:28,468
[Woman] I got the sweater.
639
00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,388
[Mrs. Hanaday]
Oh, it's lovely.
640
00:24:37,102 --> 00:24:39,020
(sighs) You know, sometimes,
641
00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,398
to get perspective,
642
00:24:42,524 --> 00:24:44,818
I like to think about
a spaceman on a star
643
00:24:44,859 --> 00:24:45,944
incredibly far away.
644
00:24:47,278 --> 00:24:49,406
And our problems
don't matter to him
645
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:51,658
because we're just a
distant point of light.
646
00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:54,786
But he feels sorry for me,
647
00:24:56,079 --> 00:24:58,581
because he has an incredibly
powerful microscope
648
00:24:58,623 --> 00:24:59,874
and he can see my face.
649
00:25:04,045 --> 00:25:04,879
I'm okay.
650
00:25:08,174 --> 00:25:09,759
No, I'm not.
651
00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:11,428
Michael never
takes a personal day,
652
00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:13,263
and when he does, he
comes here for lunch.
653
00:25:13,304 --> 00:25:14,514
Yeah.
654
00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:15,890
Remember when he
had the stomach flu
655
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:18,727
and he just carried around
a trash bag all day?
656
00:25:18,768 --> 00:25:21,563
Uh, if by trash bag, you mean
my wastepaper basket, yeah.
657
00:25:21,604 --> 00:25:22,897
We should really call him.
658
00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:23,815
No.
659
00:25:23,857 --> 00:25:25,191
We're getting so
much done today.
660
00:25:25,233 --> 00:25:27,152
I agree with Phyllis. I am
worried about Michael.
661
00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:28,403
Not to worry.
662
00:25:28,445 --> 00:25:29,696
Chances are right
now he's sucking on
663
00:25:29,738 --> 00:25:31,865
the business end of a
pump action shotgun.
664
00:25:31,906 --> 00:25:33,116
Creed.
665
00:25:33,158 --> 00:25:35,326
Toe on the trigger,
cold steel in his mouth.
666
00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:36,494
Whoa, I think we got it.
667
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:37,370
[Phyllis] What
are we gonna do?
668
00:25:37,412 --> 00:25:38,371
Pow!
669
00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:39,664
Too late.
670
00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:41,124
Uh, Phyllis, there's
a package for you.
671
00:25:41,166 --> 00:25:41,958
Oh.
672
00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:45,295
Sign here.
673
00:25:45,337 --> 00:25:46,129
Okay.
674
00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:51,301
What?
675
00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:54,512
(clipboard clatters)
676
00:25:56,806 --> 00:25:57,599
Got it!
677
00:26:02,228 --> 00:26:03,396
If the delivery
guy was in on it,
678
00:26:03,438 --> 00:26:04,689
why'd you need the string?
679
00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:07,650
The string was the
funnest part. (scoffs)
680
00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:14,866
You know, I always
used to say no regrets.
681
00:26:16,159 --> 00:26:19,788
Well, I always used to
shoulda say regret everything.
682
00:26:22,499 --> 00:26:23,541
Ooh, almost.
683
00:26:29,381 --> 00:26:30,882
I am not
684
00:26:30,924 --> 00:26:32,550
one of those pathetic
people who go around
685
00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:34,594
feeling sorry for themselves.
686
00:26:34,636 --> 00:26:36,388
"Oh, the world would be
better off without me."
687
00:26:36,429 --> 00:26:37,222
Mm-mm.
688
00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:38,598
No.
689
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,642
No, Michael, you know
that is not true.
690
00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:45,689
I wish I was a bird.
691
00:26:50,026 --> 00:26:51,111
Sam.
692
00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:53,029
Sam, Sam!
693
00:26:53,071 --> 00:26:55,990
It's not that you
dumped my granddaughter
694
00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:57,784
and it's not that
you want children.
695
00:26:57,826 --> 00:27:00,120
It's that you lied to me.
696
00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:01,496
Can't you see that?
697
00:27:01,538 --> 00:27:02,706
Can't you see?
698
00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:04,666
Oh!
699
00:27:04,708 --> 00:27:06,042
I could never trust you.
700
00:27:06,084 --> 00:27:07,961
- Lily, no.
- Oh!
701
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:08,628
Lily!
702
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:09,838
Lily, please!
703
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:12,090
Lily, stop!
704
00:27:14,092 --> 00:27:16,720
I don't care how much
time we have left.
705
00:27:17,887 --> 00:27:20,515
I don't care what
my friends say.
706
00:27:20,557 --> 00:27:23,184
And I don't care
what your mom thinks.
707
00:27:23,226 --> 00:27:25,979
Frankly, I'm pretty sure
she's not making any sense.
708
00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:28,857
Please.
709
00:27:29,816 --> 00:27:32,152
Move back to my apartment.
710
00:27:32,193 --> 00:27:34,237
(Andy stifling cry)
711
00:27:34,279 --> 00:27:38,616
♪ I'm all out of love *
♪ I'm so lost without you ♪
712
00:27:39,409 --> 00:27:40,744
Lily.
713
00:27:40,785 --> 00:27:42,412
♪ Believing for so long ♪
714
00:27:42,454 --> 00:27:45,707
I'm not giving up. I'm not
giving up.
715
00:27:45,749 --> 00:27:47,334
♪ What am I without you ♪
716
00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:48,168
Lily.
717
00:27:49,169 --> 00:27:49,961
Lily!
718
00:27:50,795 --> 00:27:53,173
Push the reverse button!
719
00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,008
Reverse the button!
720
00:27:55,050 --> 00:27:56,885
(Andy sputtering)
721
00:27:56,926 --> 00:27:59,179
(Sam crying)
722
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:03,183
Sam...
723
00:28:05,435 --> 00:28:06,227
Sam.
724
00:28:07,228 --> 00:28:08,063
(pencil scrawling)
725
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:10,774
(mobile chiming)
726
00:28:13,109 --> 00:28:13,985
Hey, Dad.
727
00:28:15,278 --> 00:28:16,738
No, I know, Mom told me.
728
00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:21,993
Okay.
729
00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:24,245
Yeah, I'll see you then.
730
00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:43,932
(elevator dings)
731
00:28:46,142 --> 00:28:47,018
So what did he say?
732
00:28:49,145 --> 00:28:50,021
Was it my fault?
733
00:28:51,481 --> 00:28:52,232
Yeah.
734
00:28:55,652 --> 00:28:58,029
He said that you told
him how much you love me.
735
00:28:59,781 --> 00:29:02,784
About how you feel
when I walk in a room
736
00:29:02,826 --> 00:29:06,496
and about how you've never
doubted for a second that
737
00:29:06,538 --> 00:29:09,165
I'm the woman you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
738
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,628
I guess he's never
felt that with my mom,
739
00:29:13,670 --> 00:29:14,921
even at their best.
740
00:29:17,007 --> 00:29:18,508
You okay?
741
00:29:18,550 --> 00:29:20,802
Yeah. (sniffles)
742
00:29:22,429 --> 00:29:25,890
When you're a kid, you assume
your parents are soulmates.
743
00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:27,851
My kids are gonna
be right about that.
744
00:29:29,561 --> 00:29:32,188
I guess it also
means that sometimes
745
00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:35,442
love affairs look different
to the people inside them.
746
00:29:35,483 --> 00:29:38,278
(papers rustling)
747
00:29:39,738 --> 00:29:41,740
I'm not insightful enough
to be a movie critic.
748
00:29:42,782 --> 00:29:44,242
Maybe I could be a food critic.
749
00:29:45,326 --> 00:29:48,079
"These muffins taste bad."
750
00:29:48,121 --> 00:29:49,456
Or an art critic.
751
00:29:49,497 --> 00:29:51,875
"That painting is bad."
752
00:29:54,711 --> 00:29:55,712
Michael!
753
00:29:57,005 --> 00:29:58,965
It's really good to see you.
754
00:29:59,007 --> 00:30:00,216
Hey.
755
00:30:00,258 --> 00:30:02,469
Why are you wearing
a turtleneck?
756
00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:03,970
You all right?
757
00:30:04,012 --> 00:30:04,929
Michael, I feel I was
a little harsh yesterday.
758
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:06,890
- [Jim] Yep, me, too.
- Yeah.
759
00:30:06,931 --> 00:30:07,557
[Jim] Yeah,
we're really sorry.
760
00:30:07,599 --> 00:30:08,767
I, um,
761
00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:09,893
I spent the
afternoon in the park
762
00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:12,062
trying to feed the pigeons.
763
00:30:12,103 --> 00:30:15,273
I guess they all flew
west for the winter.
764
00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:16,191
And I,
765
00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:17,275
I just had some thoughts
766
00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:19,486
that I wanted to
share with you people.
767
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:20,820
[Pam] What?
768
00:30:20,862 --> 00:30:22,322
Well, I wrote 'em down
so I wouldn't forget.
769
00:30:23,698 --> 00:30:26,201
(clears throat) Jim, you're 6'11
770
00:30:27,369 --> 00:30:28,787
and you weigh 90 pounds.
771
00:30:28,828 --> 00:30:30,705
Gumby has a better
body than you.
772
00:30:30,747 --> 00:30:31,581
Boom!
773
00:30:31,623 --> 00:30:32,624
Roasted.
774
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:33,708
Dwight, you're a kiss-ass.
775
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:34,668
Boom, roasted!
776
00:30:34,709 --> 00:30:36,336
Pam, you failed art school.
777
00:30:36,378 --> 00:30:37,462
Boom, roasted!
778
00:30:37,504 --> 00:30:38,755
Meredith,
779
00:30:38,797 --> 00:30:40,006
you've slept with so many guys
780
00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:41,591
you're starting
to look like one.
781
00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:43,176
Boom, roasted!
782
00:30:43,218 --> 00:30:45,512
Kevin, I can't decide between
a fat joke and a dumb joke.
783
00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:47,013
Boom, roasted!
784
00:30:47,055 --> 00:30:48,515
Creed, your teeth called,
your breath stinks.
785
00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:49,516
Boom, roasted!
786
00:30:49,557 --> 00:30:51,518
Angela, where's Angela?
787
00:30:51,559 --> 00:30:52,852
Well, there you are!
788
00:30:52,894 --> 00:30:54,646
I didn't see you behind
that grain of rice.
789
00:30:54,688 --> 00:30:55,563
Boom!
790
00:30:55,605 --> 00:30:56,856
Roasted!
791
00:30:56,898 --> 00:30:58,817
Stanley, you crush
your wife during sex
792
00:30:58,858 --> 00:30:59,734
and your heart sucks.
793
00:30:59,776 --> 00:31:00,652
Boom, roasted!
794
00:31:00,694 --> 00:31:01,778
Oscar, you...
795
00:31:01,820 --> 00:31:02,612
(Stanley laughing)
796
00:31:02,654 --> 00:31:04,239
Are...
797
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,116
(Stanley laughing)
798
00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:07,242
(Michael laughs)
799
00:31:07,283 --> 00:31:09,119
Oscar, (laughs)
800
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,704
you're gay!
801
00:31:10,745 --> 00:31:11,996
Wow.
802
00:31:12,038 --> 00:31:14,457
Andy, Cornell called. They
think you suck.
803
00:31:14,499 --> 00:31:16,042
And you're gayer than Oscar!
804
00:31:16,918 --> 00:31:17,961
Boom, roasted!
805
00:31:18,003 --> 00:31:18,795
[Oscar] Boom, roasted!
806
00:31:18,837 --> 00:31:21,256
(all laughing)
807
00:31:27,762 --> 00:31:29,723
All right. (laughs)
808
00:31:29,764 --> 00:31:31,474
All right, everybody,
you know I kid.
809
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,103
You know I kid.
810
00:31:35,145 --> 00:31:38,815
You guys are the reason that I
went into the paper business.
811
00:31:38,857 --> 00:31:41,651
So, uh, goodnight, God bless.
812
00:31:41,693 --> 00:31:44,571
God bless America
and get home safe.
813
00:31:44,612 --> 00:31:45,405
(Stanley laughing)
814
00:31:45,447 --> 00:31:46,281
[Kevin] Yeah!
815
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:48,366
(all clapping)
816
00:31:48,408 --> 00:31:50,744
They say that laughter
is the best medicine,
817
00:31:50,785 --> 00:31:53,830
so Stanley, you can
throw away those pills.
818
00:31:53,872 --> 00:31:54,998
You are cured.
819
00:31:56,916 --> 00:31:58,752
Actually, you should...
820
00:31:58,793 --> 00:32:00,754
Better hold onto the
pills, just in case.
821
00:32:03,048 --> 00:32:03,840
("Lady" by Little River Band)
822
00:32:03,882 --> 00:32:07,927
♪ Look around ♪
823
00:32:07,969 --> 00:32:09,596
♪ Be a part ♪
824
00:32:09,637 --> 00:32:10,847
[Mrs. Hanaday] Oh, god!
825
00:32:10,889 --> 00:32:12,390
Oh, oh!
826
00:32:12,432 --> 00:32:16,603
♪ Feel for the winter but
don't have a cold heart ♪
827
00:32:19,773 --> 00:32:23,902
♪ And I love you best ♪
828
00:32:23,943 --> 00:32:27,906
♪ You're not like the rest ♪
829
00:32:27,947 --> 00:32:29,908
♪ You're there when I need you ♪
830
00:32:29,949 --> 00:32:33,745
♪ You're there when I need ♪
831
00:32:33,787 --> 00:32:36,706
♪ I'm gonna need you ♪
832
00:32:43,296 --> 00:32:48,301
♪ A long time ago I
had a lady to love ♪
833
00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:56,393
♪ She made me think of
things I never thought of ♪
834
00:32:59,813 --> 00:33:03,608
♪ Now she's gone
and I'm on my own ♪
835
00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:04,484
♪ A love song ♪
836
00:33:04,526 --> 00:33:05,610
I don't get it at all.
837
00:33:06,986 --> 00:33:09,447
♪ A love song that was
there all the time ♪
838
00:33:09,489 --> 00:33:10,990
Brilliant.
839
00:33:15,912 --> 00:33:21,001
(bright upbeat music)
55916
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