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1
00:00:06,889 --> 00:00:09,329
Now, as it's Friday afternoon
2
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:10,929
I have a special treat for you.
3
00:00:11,009 --> 00:00:15,169
This little experiment I like
to call elephant's toothpaste.
4
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:19,249
All I do is mix some hydrogen
peroxide and potassium iodide
5
00:00:19,329 --> 00:00:21,489
and pour it into a beaker
6
00:00:21,569 --> 00:00:24,409
of ordinary everyday
washing up liquid.
7
00:00:24,489 --> 00:00:25,209
Ready?
8
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,729
[beaker fizzes]
9
00:00:47,289 --> 00:00:48,329
Is that it?
10
00:00:49,769 --> 00:00:50,769
Yes.
11
00:00:50,849 --> 00:00:52,649
[bell rings]
12
00:00:52,729 --> 00:00:54,129
Can we go now?
13
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:55,769
Yes.
14
00:00:58,969 --> 00:01:02,569
Right Pat, I better
get this cleaned up.
15
00:01:02,649 --> 00:01:05,249
[gentle music]
16
00:01:08,289 --> 00:01:12,569
I can get any off me,
thank you Pat, thank you.
17
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:14,009
♪ When I think about they days ♪
18
00:01:14,089 --> 00:01:19,289
♪ There is something
of a haze about it ♪
19
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,849
♪ When you said
we'd never change ♪
20
00:01:21,929 --> 00:01:27,129
♪ Well we never stopped
to think about it ♪
21
00:01:27,729 --> 00:01:30,689
♪ We know we're not the same ♪
22
00:01:30,769 --> 00:01:34,449
♪ But let's not
break the chain ♪
23
00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:39,329
♪ And we should play
this game together ♪
24
00:01:41,809 --> 00:01:44,729
[whistling tune]
25
00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:51,009
Psst, psst.
26
00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,649
Austin Allegro.
27
00:01:57,889 --> 00:01:59,009
What are you doing?
28
00:01:59,089 --> 00:02:03,889
I think a deals about
to go down, get in.
29
00:02:09,969 --> 00:02:10,849
A drugs deal?
30
00:02:10,929 --> 00:02:11,849
Yes.
31
00:02:13,009 --> 00:02:15,009
There's no need to whisper
while we're in the car actually,
32
00:02:15,089 --> 00:02:19,929
just pop your seat back
so you don't get spotted.
33
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,569
Oh, didn't know it
went back this far.
34
00:02:23,649 --> 00:02:26,609
That lad there was
expelled last year
35
00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,929
for possessing the drugs.
36
00:02:29,009 --> 00:02:30,289
One expulsion?
37
00:02:30,369 --> 00:02:31,529
That's nothing.
38
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:33,289
In the last school
there was double that.
39
00:02:33,369 --> 00:02:34,889
We had a very serious
drugs problem.
40
00:02:34,969 --> 00:02:36,769
Well I think you'll find
it's worse at this school.
41
00:02:36,849 --> 00:02:37,889
It was an epidemic.
42
00:02:37,969 --> 00:02:39,609
Well here it's a pandemic.
43
00:02:39,689 --> 00:02:41,849
Well, let's just agree
that it's a sad fact
44
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,929
that drugs are an
issue in all schools.
45
00:02:44,009 --> 00:02:44,809
Particularly this one.
46
00:02:44,889 --> 00:02:46,569
And the one I used to work at.
47
00:02:46,649 --> 00:02:48,529
Anyway, I want to talk to
you about draughts club.
48
00:02:48,609 --> 00:02:51,849
Whatever you do, don't let
Barber offload that onto you.
49
00:02:51,929 --> 00:02:54,929
He already has, but
I had a thought.
50
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:55,849
Oh sh sh.
51
00:02:58,529 --> 00:02:59,489
Hello.
52
00:02:59,569 --> 00:03:00,529
Hello.
53
00:03:02,609 --> 00:03:04,769
I thought seeing as
you're on chess club.
54
00:03:04,849 --> 00:03:05,929
I founded it.
55
00:03:06,009 --> 00:03:06,969
[Sarah laughs]
56
00:03:07,049 --> 00:03:08,529
Why don't we merge it
with draughts club?
57
00:03:08,609 --> 00:03:10,449
Call it chaughts.
58
00:03:12,089 --> 00:03:13,449
That's a bold idea, Sarah.
59
00:03:13,529 --> 00:03:14,529
So is that a yes?
60
00:03:14,609 --> 00:03:15,529
Sh.
61
00:03:16,569 --> 00:03:17,369
[camera clicking]
62
00:03:17,449 --> 00:03:18,169
Oh no.
63
00:03:19,129 --> 00:03:20,569
[Keith] Oh yes.
64
00:03:20,649 --> 00:03:23,649
[camera clicking]
65
00:03:24,609 --> 00:03:25,489
[knocking on door]
66
00:03:25,569 --> 00:03:27,329
[Ms Baron] Come in.
67
00:03:27,409 --> 00:03:28,489
Right, if it's
about the trampoline
68
00:03:28,569 --> 00:03:30,009
I've absolutely no idea
how it got on eBay.
69
00:03:30,089 --> 00:03:31,529
Mr. Gunn I've summoned you here
70
00:03:31,609 --> 00:03:35,369
because Mr. Church has made
a rather serious allegation.
71
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:36,569
Drugs.
72
00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:37,729
What?
73
00:03:37,809 --> 00:03:39,529
You've been buying drugs
from a drugs pusher
74
00:03:39,609 --> 00:03:41,689
and you've got drugs.
75
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,009
No I haven't.
76
00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:44,289
Camera never lies.
77
00:03:44,369 --> 00:03:47,409
Care to explain
yourself, Mr. Gunn?
78
00:03:47,489 --> 00:03:48,969
Oh, that yeah, no, no no,
79
00:03:49,049 --> 00:03:53,569
I wasn't buying drugs,
I was confiscating them.
80
00:03:53,649 --> 00:03:55,249
Well if that's the
case, Mr. Gunn,
81
00:03:55,329 --> 00:03:58,209
why did you give the boy money?
82
00:04:01,049 --> 00:04:03,409
'Cause he was collecting
for a Blue Peter appeal.
83
00:04:03,489 --> 00:04:07,209
Boulder dash Mr.
Gunn, boulder dash.
84
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,889
If you care to leave
us now, Mr. Church.
85
00:04:09,969 --> 00:04:12,609
Certainly headmistress.
86
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,209
Boulder dash.
87
00:04:23,289 --> 00:04:25,249
Empty your pockets.
88
00:04:43,969 --> 00:04:46,049
Oh this is good shit.
89
00:04:46,129 --> 00:04:48,809
[upbeat music]
90
00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,129
That is good shit.
91
00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,969
Right, can I have a
bit of quiet please?
92
00:05:03,049 --> 00:05:04,569
Sh sh sh sh sh.
93
00:05:04,649 --> 00:05:06,449
I can still hear chattering.
94
00:05:06,529 --> 00:05:07,849
Thank you.
95
00:05:07,929 --> 00:05:13,409
I have some very important
news, Mr. Gunn has been sacked.
96
00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:15,689
Ah, so they finally found
him watching dirty movies
97
00:05:15,769 --> 00:05:17,089
in the computer room, right?
98
00:05:17,169 --> 00:05:19,009
It must be for syphoning
petrol out of the mini bus.
99
00:05:19,089 --> 00:05:21,449
Was it for hiring the sports
hall out for illegal raves?
100
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:22,769
Look, I only went to one.
101
00:05:22,849 --> 00:05:24,169
It was actually none of those,
102
00:05:24,249 --> 00:05:26,169
but thank you for bringing
them to my attention.
103
00:05:26,249 --> 00:05:28,209
No, it's much more
serious than that.
104
00:05:28,289 --> 00:05:32,809
Mr. Gunn was caught
buying the drug marijuana.
105
00:05:33,369 --> 00:05:35,809
Just out of interest,
who was selling it?
106
00:05:35,889 --> 00:05:36,969
That's not important.
107
00:05:37,049 --> 00:05:38,329
What's important
now is that Mr. Gunn
108
00:05:38,409 --> 00:05:42,129
is no longer a teacher
at this school.
109
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:44,409
All right.
110
00:05:44,489 --> 00:05:45,169
Where's the biccies?
111
00:05:45,249 --> 00:05:45,969
I've got the munchies.
112
00:05:46,049 --> 00:05:48,409
But you've been sacked.
113
00:05:48,889 --> 00:05:50,169
Oh I don't think so.
114
00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:52,489
And you reek of drugs.
115
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,969
Well I have to know what
I'm dealing with, don't I?
116
00:05:55,049 --> 00:06:00,209
Oh, this is a dark day for
the school, a very dark day.
117
00:06:03,569 --> 00:06:04,689
This your scotch egg?
118
00:06:04,769 --> 00:06:08,169
You know dam well
it's my scotch egg.
119
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,409
That is deeply offentious.
120
00:06:22,489 --> 00:06:26,169
Oh I haven't even
started yet Churchy.
121
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,129
You've just missed her.
122
00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:31,169
Where is she?
123
00:06:31,249 --> 00:06:35,649
Nipped to the garage to
get some Jaffa Cakes.
124
00:06:39,489 --> 00:06:42,209
[upbeat music]
125
00:06:47,689 --> 00:06:51,089
[students chatter in background]
126
00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:53,009
[Sarah] We need to get
across the anti-drugs message
127
00:06:53,089 --> 00:06:54,129
to the kids.
128
00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:55,289
Well then a song
would be perfect.
129
00:06:55,369 --> 00:06:56,649
We just need to find
one that tells the kids
130
00:06:56,729 --> 00:06:58,289
the drugs don't work.
131
00:06:58,369 --> 00:06:59,729
They just make it worse.
132
00:06:59,809 --> 00:07:01,289
Yes, exactly.
133
00:07:01,369 --> 00:07:02,689
I'll do some research online.
134
00:07:02,769 --> 00:07:07,449
See if anyone's written one
with that kind of message.
135
00:07:07,529 --> 00:07:09,369
I thought you bought
a packed lunch today.
136
00:07:09,449 --> 00:07:12,129
I did, but my scotch
egg was despoiled
137
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:15,489
and I'd rather not say what
was deposited in my sandwiches.
138
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,169
All right Keith,
you a music fan?
139
00:07:17,249 --> 00:07:18,369
Not the early stuff.
140
00:07:18,449 --> 00:07:20,249
Luke and I are going to
sing an anti-drug song
141
00:07:20,329 --> 00:07:20,969
in assembly.
142
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:22,409
It'll mainly be me.
143
00:07:22,489 --> 00:07:24,569
I'll be on tambourines
and backing vocals.
144
00:07:24,649 --> 00:07:26,169
In the business
we call them BV's,
145
00:07:26,249 --> 00:07:28,209
otherwise you'd forever
be saying backing vocals,
146
00:07:28,289 --> 00:07:29,849
backing vocals, backing vocals,
147
00:07:29,929 --> 00:07:31,649
when it's much
quicker to say BV's,
148
00:07:31,729 --> 00:07:32,649
you don't wanna waste
everyone's time.
149
00:07:32,729 --> 00:07:33,849
Yes, we get the picture.
150
00:07:33,929 --> 00:07:36,489
Well, if you need a
red hot oboe player.
151
00:07:36,569 --> 00:07:37,849
Not really.
152
00:07:37,929 --> 00:07:39,609
Oboe's not really
part of my sound.
153
00:07:39,689 --> 00:07:41,009
Oh, what is your sound?
154
00:07:41,089 --> 00:07:46,289
It's somewhere between
Oasis and Beady Eye.
155
00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:48,449
Ooh, an eclectic mix.
156
00:07:48,529 --> 00:07:50,049
When do you want to get
together and rehearse?
157
00:07:50,129 --> 00:07:51,089
Not sure yet.
158
00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:52,649
I'll drop you a
message on Facebook.
159
00:07:52,729 --> 00:07:53,449
Laters.
160
00:07:53,529 --> 00:07:54,449
Laters.
161
00:07:56,489 --> 00:07:58,489
How often does Luke send
you a message on Facebook?
162
00:07:58,569 --> 00:08:00,209
Sarah, please be honest with me.
163
00:08:00,289 --> 00:08:01,449
Quite often, why?
164
00:08:01,529 --> 00:08:03,409
Well I'd hate for you
to get a reputation.
165
00:08:03,489 --> 00:08:05,809
A reputation as what?
166
00:08:05,889 --> 00:08:08,809
As a woman who
has many partners.
167
00:08:09,769 --> 00:08:11,929
I can't help it if every
male member of staff
168
00:08:12,009 --> 00:08:16,849
and one female member of
staff find me attractive.
169
00:08:17,689 --> 00:08:20,489
Need to clear your own tray.
170
00:08:33,529 --> 00:08:37,089
I'm two moves away
from checkmate, sir.
171
00:08:37,169 --> 00:08:39,969
I admire the cut of your
gin, grandmaster Nicholas,
172
00:08:40,049 --> 00:08:45,249
but I'm not sure you'd
bargained on me doing this.
173
00:08:47,129 --> 00:08:48,049
I had.
174
00:08:49,609 --> 00:08:53,609
Which is an excellent juncture
to end today's chess club.
175
00:08:53,689 --> 00:08:54,889
I was one move away
from checkmate.
176
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:56,649
I know I need your
help with something.
177
00:08:56,729 --> 00:09:01,689
Put the board away and meet
me in the computer room.
178
00:09:02,489 --> 00:09:05,289
[whistle blows]
179
00:09:09,969 --> 00:09:10,889
Duck!
180
00:09:13,969 --> 00:09:16,089
You all right babes?
181
00:09:17,129 --> 00:09:22,289
I just want you to know that
I've walked in your shoes.
182
00:09:22,369 --> 00:09:23,769
Metaphorically.
183
00:09:23,849 --> 00:09:24,809
You what?
184
00:09:25,689 --> 00:09:27,569
I'm an addict too.
185
00:09:27,649 --> 00:09:29,369
What are you addicted to?
186
00:09:29,449 --> 00:09:31,449
Highlighter pens.
187
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,209
Sniffing them?
188
00:09:32,289 --> 00:09:34,729
No highlighting things.
189
00:09:35,169 --> 00:09:36,409
It got to the stage where
I'd highlighted everything,
190
00:09:36,489 --> 00:09:38,609
There was nothing
left to highlight.
191
00:09:38,689 --> 00:09:41,849
Textbooks, magazines,
newspapers, receipts,
phone cards,
192
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:44,489
those little Bibles
that you find in hotels.
193
00:09:44,569 --> 00:09:49,209
It all just became one
luminous blur of colours.
194
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,289
Sounds like a nightmare.
195
00:09:50,369 --> 00:09:52,729
Mm, well it's worse than
a nightmare, Trevor,
196
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:54,649
because it's real.
197
00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:56,369
Well something had to change.
198
00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:57,649
and that's what my
sponsor suggested
199
00:09:57,729 --> 00:10:00,289
that I just use the
fluorescent yellow one
200
00:10:00,369 --> 00:10:02,169
to highlight key
words and phrases
201
00:10:02,249 --> 00:10:04,409
and that's what I do now.
202
00:10:04,489 --> 00:10:05,929
Come here.
203
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:06,929
Come on.
204
00:10:11,369 --> 00:10:13,369
Shall we take a quick shower?
205
00:10:13,449 --> 00:10:18,489
Sex addiction, that's one
of the new ones, isn't it?
206
00:10:20,449 --> 00:10:21,169
Move!
207
00:10:23,649 --> 00:10:25,649
I've done a bit
of research online
208
00:10:25,729 --> 00:10:28,809
and I printed this out for you.
209
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,169
Had a bit of a relapse.
210
00:10:33,249 --> 00:10:35,929
[upbeat music]
211
00:10:39,729 --> 00:10:40,889
Oh, there you are Nicholas.
212
00:10:40,969 --> 00:10:43,889
Yes, I need you to help
me get onto Facebook.
213
00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:45,209
Yes sir.
214
00:10:45,289 --> 00:10:48,969
Is there an application
form I need to print out?
215
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,369
Nope, I've done it.
216
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:51,169
You're on Facebook.
217
00:10:51,249 --> 00:10:52,849
Oh, that was quick.
218
00:10:52,929 --> 00:10:56,409
Ah, you've already
got a friend request.
219
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,409
Dear god.
220
00:10:57,489 --> 00:10:58,329
Shall I accept?
221
00:10:58,409 --> 00:11:00,689
No, no, no, no, leave it.
222
00:11:00,969 --> 00:11:03,849
Okay, let's do your profile sir.
223
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:04,849
Likes?
224
00:11:04,929 --> 00:11:05,969
Milk.
225
00:11:06,049 --> 00:11:07,089
Anything else?
226
00:11:07,169 --> 00:11:08,089
No.
227
00:11:11,289 --> 00:11:12,289
Favourite music?
228
00:11:12,369 --> 00:11:13,929
Well, I like a real
range of stuff.
229
00:11:14,009 --> 00:11:17,329
Anything from
Oasis to beady bye.
230
00:11:19,649 --> 00:11:21,329
Favourite TV shows.
231
00:11:21,409 --> 00:11:22,489
The News.
232
00:11:22,569 --> 00:11:23,449
And?
233
00:11:23,529 --> 00:11:24,809
The weather.
234
00:11:27,449 --> 00:11:28,249
Sports.
235
00:11:28,329 --> 00:11:30,409
Just put no thank you.
236
00:11:31,489 --> 00:11:32,689
Dislikes.
237
00:11:32,769 --> 00:11:35,449
War and wasps.
238
00:11:39,649 --> 00:11:41,049
Relationship status.
239
00:11:41,129 --> 00:11:44,289
Well it's complicated so I
wouldn't know what to put down.
240
00:11:44,369 --> 00:11:46,129
Oh, they have that.
241
00:11:46,409 --> 00:11:49,529
Any particular friend
you wanted to add first?
242
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:50,889
I hadn't really
thought about that.
243
00:11:50,969 --> 00:11:53,849
What's the name of that
new French teacher?
244
00:11:53,929 --> 00:11:54,689
Miss Postern?
245
00:11:54,769 --> 00:11:57,169
Yes, oh it'd be nice to add her.
246
00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,209
I've sent a request.
247
00:12:05,969 --> 00:12:07,969
Well she's taking an
awfully long time about it.
248
00:12:08,049 --> 00:12:09,649
I'm sorry sir, my mom's
picking me up now.
249
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,089
Oh yes, yes.
250
00:12:12,489 --> 00:12:16,049
Sir, can I ask your
advice about something?
251
00:12:16,129 --> 00:12:17,889
I'm sorry Nicholas,
this is chess club
252
00:12:17,969 --> 00:12:20,529
so if it's not something
to do with chess,
253
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,649
it's inappropriate.
254
00:12:35,289 --> 00:12:36,089
Morning Sarah.
255
00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:37,449
I wasn't.
256
00:12:37,529 --> 00:12:39,409
Oh, hello.
257
00:12:39,489 --> 00:12:41,649
There's a note in
your pigeonhole.
258
00:12:41,729 --> 00:12:43,409
Oh, is it from you?
259
00:12:43,489 --> 00:12:44,409
Yes.
260
00:12:44,489 --> 00:12:46,849
Did you just put it there?
261
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:48,089
Yes.
262
00:12:48,169 --> 00:12:51,169
Could you just bring it over?
263
00:12:51,249 --> 00:12:52,009
It's easier.
264
00:12:52,089 --> 00:12:54,329
[teachers laugh]
265
00:12:54,409 --> 00:12:55,329
Thank you.
266
00:12:57,089 --> 00:13:00,689
Sarah, I sent you a
friend request on Facebook
267
00:13:00,769 --> 00:13:02,889
and would be delighted
if you choose to accept,
268
00:13:02,969 --> 00:13:06,849
Keith Church, deputy
head of science.
269
00:13:07,529 --> 00:13:09,129
Oh right, okay.
270
00:13:16,569 --> 00:13:17,809
There, done.
271
00:13:17,889 --> 00:13:20,009
I was just wondering when's
a good time to get together
272
00:13:20,089 --> 00:13:22,769
to discuss the draughts
and chess club merger?
273
00:13:22,849 --> 00:13:24,009
Oh we can discuss
it now if you want.
274
00:13:24,089 --> 00:13:25,369
Well it's quite a lot
of ground to cover,
275
00:13:25,449 --> 00:13:28,289
I think it's best we do
it out of school time.
276
00:13:28,369 --> 00:13:29,449
I'm not earwigging,
277
00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,969
I'm just toasting some
gluten free bread.
278
00:13:32,049 --> 00:13:33,209
Carry on.
279
00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:36,049
Um, when were you thinking?
280
00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:39,289
Well, I was thinking perhaps...
281
00:13:39,369 --> 00:13:40,449
Yes.
282
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,729
Well I was thinking...
283
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:46,129
Don't worry, I'm
not listening in.
284
00:13:47,449 --> 00:13:50,329
I was thinking you
might like to come over.
285
00:13:50,409 --> 00:13:51,729
Come over where?
286
00:13:51,809 --> 00:13:55,369
I think it's best I
send you a message.
287
00:13:59,049 --> 00:14:03,089
Sarah, I just want you to
know I have not told a soul
288
00:14:03,169 --> 00:14:04,769
what I saw the pair
of you getting up to
289
00:14:04,849 --> 00:14:06,169
in the car yesterday.
290
00:14:06,249 --> 00:14:08,089
We just reclined the seats.
291
00:14:08,169 --> 00:14:09,249
[Mrs. Klebb laughs]
292
00:14:09,329 --> 00:14:11,369
You don't need to
pretend with me.
293
00:14:11,449 --> 00:14:14,129
Don't worry I've kept stop.
294
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:16,849
Sarah?
295
00:14:16,929 --> 00:14:18,369
Ms. Baron wants to see you.
296
00:14:18,449 --> 00:14:20,049
What about?
297
00:14:20,129 --> 00:14:21,409
Dogging.
298
00:14:21,489 --> 00:14:24,169
[upbeat music]
299
00:14:30,209 --> 00:14:31,369
What are these
chairs doing here?
300
00:14:31,449 --> 00:14:32,729
Don't you ever bloody knock?
301
00:14:32,809 --> 00:14:35,449
Oh you're a disgrace.
302
00:14:35,529 --> 00:14:36,249
Oh am I?
303
00:14:36,329 --> 00:14:37,529
Yes, not just to yourself
304
00:14:37,609 --> 00:14:40,529
but to the PE department and
the entire teaching fraternity.
305
00:14:40,609 --> 00:14:41,729
You want to watch
your back Churchy.
306
00:14:41,809 --> 00:14:42,809
Yes, or what?
307
00:14:42,889 --> 00:14:44,489
Or one of these days
you might wake up
308
00:14:44,569 --> 00:14:45,929
with an horse's
head in your bead.
309
00:14:46,009 --> 00:14:49,009
And where would you get
a horse's head from?
310
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,689
Safeway's.
311
00:14:50,769 --> 00:14:54,489
I know the fellow that
works in meat slice.
312
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:57,609
Degenerate!
313
00:14:58,569 --> 00:14:59,649
Hey, hey!
314
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:02,249
You're the gen-generate.
315
00:15:14,689 --> 00:15:17,729
[keyboard clicking]
316
00:15:22,569 --> 00:15:24,609
Oh Miss Postern!
317
00:15:24,689 --> 00:15:26,129
Miss Postern!
318
00:15:26,649 --> 00:15:28,369
Nearly with you.
319
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,609
Almost there, yes almost.
320
00:15:32,569 --> 00:15:34,689
And here I am.
321
00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:36,129
Hello Keith.
322
00:15:36,209 --> 00:15:37,929
Oh best not to use first names
in front of the children.
323
00:15:38,009 --> 00:15:39,169
Right.
324
00:15:39,249 --> 00:15:42,649
Well, right well I was just
dashing off to teach 9C.
325
00:15:42,729 --> 00:15:44,289
Oh, I just wondered
if you'd had a chance
326
00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:45,849
to digest my latest message.
327
00:15:45,929 --> 00:15:48,849
I'll just check now, shall I?
328
00:15:50,769 --> 00:15:52,129
Here it is.
329
00:15:53,209 --> 00:15:54,169
"Dear Sarah,
330
00:15:54,249 --> 00:15:56,129
-"trust you're well."
-Trust you're well.
331
00:15:56,209 --> 00:16:00,009
"Draughts and chess
merger, Saturday night."
332
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:02,369
I am never free on
a Saturday night.
333
00:16:02,449 --> 00:16:04,729
Oh yes, of course, sorry.
334
00:16:04,809 --> 00:16:06,009
Except this Saturday night.
335
00:16:06,089 --> 00:16:07,569
Oh wonderful.
336
00:16:07,649 --> 00:16:10,329
Shall I lay on a spread?
337
00:16:10,409 --> 00:16:12,209
Just some nibbles.
338
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:13,809
Should I come over
after Strictly?
339
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:16,569
Which I usually have to
record because I'm always out.
340
00:16:16,649 --> 00:16:18,849
Oh, why don't we watch
Strictly together
341
00:16:18,929 --> 00:16:20,769
and then discuss the merger?
342
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,409
Oh, are you into strictly.
343
00:16:22,489 --> 00:16:23,729
Oh yes, very much.
344
00:16:23,809 --> 00:16:26,329
I think the standard this
year is the best ever.
345
00:16:26,409 --> 00:16:27,489
I'm just gonna say it myself,
346
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:29,489
the standard this
year is the best ever
347
00:16:29,569 --> 00:16:30,729
The judges say it every year,
348
00:16:30,809 --> 00:16:31,729
but this time it
is actually true.
349
00:16:31,809 --> 00:16:33,129
Oh those judges, they do say it.
350
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:36,289
Oh, I'm so glad
you're following it.
351
00:16:36,369 --> 00:16:38,489
Who do you thinks gonna win?
352
00:16:38,569 --> 00:16:42,169
Oh there's a question,
who's gonna win it?
353
00:16:42,249 --> 00:16:44,129
Who's gonna win it?
354
00:16:45,089 --> 00:16:46,889
You've not seen it, have you?
355
00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:47,689
No.
356
00:16:47,769 --> 00:16:48,689
No.
357
00:16:49,449 --> 00:16:50,689
[upbeat music]
358
00:16:50,769 --> 00:16:55,969
♪ One more night ♪
359
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,009
♪ One more night ♪
360
00:16:58,089 --> 00:17:01,049
[doorbell rings]
361
00:17:04,729 --> 00:17:06,689
♪ I've been trying for so long ♪
362
00:17:06,769 --> 00:17:08,169
Sausage roll?
363
00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:09,769
Hello.
364
00:17:09,849 --> 00:17:11,169
Hello, would you
like a sausage roll?
365
00:17:11,249 --> 00:17:15,249
Not right now, I'll probably
take my coat off first.
366
00:17:15,329 --> 00:17:16,129
Oh yes.
367
00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:21,929
The toilet's there
if you need it.
368
00:17:22,009 --> 00:17:23,729
Oh I don't at the moment.
369
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,169
Oh you'll probably
be needing it later.
370
00:17:26,249 --> 00:17:27,649
Come through.
371
00:17:28,409 --> 00:17:29,369
Sandwich?
372
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:30,529
Well that's a lot of food.
373
00:17:30,609 --> 00:17:33,129
Well just a cold
buffet, pickled egg?
374
00:17:33,209 --> 00:17:34,409
Is it all for us?
375
00:17:34,489 --> 00:17:35,649
Anything we don't eat tonight
376
00:17:35,729 --> 00:17:38,329
I'll just graze on
during the week.
377
00:17:38,409 --> 00:17:39,129
Right.
378
00:17:40,649 --> 00:17:43,529
Let's get this party started.
379
00:17:46,569 --> 00:17:49,569
[audience cheering]
380
00:17:52,729 --> 00:17:56,169
So some are professional dancers
and some are celebrities?
381
00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:57,609
Yes, that's right.
382
00:17:57,689 --> 00:17:59,409
And the marks are out of 10.
383
00:17:59,489 --> 00:18:01,609
Course the marks are out of 10.
384
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:02,929
Most sensible metric to have.
385
00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:05,449
Sorry, it is my
favourite TV programme
386
00:18:05,529 --> 00:18:07,849
and it is quite annoying
with you constantly
387
00:18:07,929 --> 00:18:10,049
asking questions
and making comments.
388
00:18:10,129 --> 00:18:12,729
Sorry, I won't
say another thing.
389
00:18:12,809 --> 00:18:14,809
What a feeling, what a dance!
390
00:18:14,889 --> 00:18:16,249
Has the one on the
end there got a wife?
391
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,809
No, of course he hasn't
got a wife, he's gay.
392
00:18:19,889 --> 00:18:20,769
Well I don't know who's
gay and who isn't gay.
393
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,969
Well does it matter if he's gay?
394
00:18:23,049 --> 00:18:24,409
It doesn't matter if he's gay,
395
00:18:24,489 --> 00:18:25,489
I just can't keep up with
who's gay and who isn't gay
396
00:18:25,569 --> 00:18:26,489
these days.
397
00:18:26,569 --> 00:18:28,129
Could you please be quiet?
398
00:18:28,209 --> 00:18:29,009
I am being quiet.
399
00:18:29,089 --> 00:18:30,009
Sh.
400
00:18:34,769 --> 00:18:36,609
So is the one on
the other end gay?
401
00:18:36,689 --> 00:18:37,649
Yeah.
402
00:18:37,729 --> 00:18:39,769
Yeah, they're all gay.
403
00:18:39,929 --> 00:18:41,809
Everyone on the show is gay.
404
00:18:41,889 --> 00:18:45,129
Everyone on TV is
gay, all right?
405
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,049
Any quiche?
406
00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:52,329
No, no, no.
407
00:18:52,409 --> 00:18:57,169
I would like another drink
of wine though please.
408
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,609
I'm afraid you've
had all the wine.
409
00:19:03,689 --> 00:19:06,609
Well, what else have you got?
410
00:19:07,129 --> 00:19:09,769
Milk, Yakult?
411
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,209
No, I want another drink drink.
412
00:19:12,289 --> 00:19:14,329
Must have something.
413
00:19:17,409 --> 00:19:18,129
Ah.
414
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,689
Here we go, saving it
for a special occasion.
415
00:19:23,769 --> 00:19:25,489
Turnip liqueur.
416
00:19:34,249 --> 00:19:35,129
God.
417
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,289
That is quite rooty.
418
00:19:39,369 --> 00:19:40,409
That'll be the turnips.
419
00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:43,089
I'm just making another
trip to the cold buffet,
420
00:19:43,169 --> 00:19:44,849
can I get you anything?
421
00:19:44,929 --> 00:19:47,649
Are there any chipolatas left?
422
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,129
There's a few.
423
00:19:50,929 --> 00:19:54,009
♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
424
00:19:54,089 --> 00:19:56,409
Oh I love this song.
425
00:19:56,489 --> 00:19:59,569
Oh, check out Patrick Swayze.
426
00:19:59,649 --> 00:20:03,329
Oh, check out the
lady in the film.
427
00:20:03,409 --> 00:20:04,929
[teachers laugh]
428
00:20:05,009 --> 00:20:07,489
Put the chipolatas down.
429
00:20:12,769 --> 00:20:14,769
Oh we haven't
discussed the merger.
430
00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:15,889
What?
431
00:20:15,969 --> 00:20:17,009
The chess and
draughts club merger.
432
00:20:17,089 --> 00:20:20,329
Oh, well um, do
you want to do it?
433
00:20:20,409 --> 00:20:21,529
Yes.
434
00:20:21,609 --> 00:20:22,569
Oh well so do I, that
was easy, wasn't it?
435
00:20:22,649 --> 00:20:25,689
[teachers laughing]
436
00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:29,609
♪ 'cause I swear
it's the truth ♪
437
00:20:29,689 --> 00:20:30,569
Shall we do the lift?
438
00:20:30,649 --> 00:20:31,849
Well how much do you weigh?
439
00:20:31,929 --> 00:20:33,849
That's quite a
personal question.
440
00:20:33,929 --> 00:20:34,769
Well it's more of
a physics question.
441
00:20:34,849 --> 00:20:36,289
About nine stone two
442
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,369
but I've got quite
a lot in my pockets.
443
00:20:38,449 --> 00:20:39,689
Give it a go.
444
00:20:39,769 --> 00:20:42,409
[Keith laughs]
445
00:20:48,529 --> 00:20:49,609
[doorbell rings]
446
00:20:49,689 --> 00:20:52,489
Oh go away, we're
doing Dirty Dancing.
447
00:20:52,569 --> 00:20:53,809
[Keith laughs]
448
00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:54,369
Should just go
and see who it is.
449
00:20:54,449 --> 00:20:57,129
[doorbell rings]
450
00:20:59,889 --> 00:21:00,969
Pop you down.
451
00:21:01,049 --> 00:21:05,449
Oh, some chipolatas
there to keep you going.
452
00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:08,529
[children cheer]
453
00:21:08,609 --> 00:21:10,129
[indistinct] Churchy.
454
00:21:10,209 --> 00:21:11,289
What are you doing here?
455
00:21:11,369 --> 00:21:12,129
We're here for the party.
456
00:21:12,209 --> 00:21:13,609
There is no party.
457
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:16,249
Don't worry sir, brang a bottle.
458
00:21:16,329 --> 00:21:18,169
[Sarah] Let them in.
459
00:21:18,249 --> 00:21:20,329
Oh wicked, what
there's scotch eggs.
460
00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:22,849
Leave some for your
French teacher.
461
00:21:22,929 --> 00:21:25,609
[upbeat music]
462
00:21:32,489 --> 00:21:34,409
Why are you all here?
463
00:21:34,489 --> 00:21:36,209
You invited us sir.
464
00:21:37,609 --> 00:21:38,729
I did no such thing.
465
00:21:38,809 --> 00:21:42,089
Uh yeah you did, on Facebook.
466
00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:43,089
What?
467
00:21:50,169 --> 00:21:53,009
[engine rumbles]
468
00:21:59,769 --> 00:22:01,449
Sir, it's not budging.
469
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:02,769
Manyou, what are you
doing with my Oboe?
470
00:22:02,849 --> 00:22:05,289
Just trying to
unblock your bog sir.
471
00:22:05,369 --> 00:22:08,129
Come on, let's have a dance.
472
00:22:08,969 --> 00:22:10,689
Miss, why you dancing
with Mr. Church?
473
00:22:10,769 --> 00:22:12,089
Are you boning him?
474
00:22:12,169 --> 00:22:14,009
Well I don't think that's
biologically possible.
475
00:22:14,089 --> 00:22:17,849
Come on, let's show
them how to party!
476
00:22:21,489 --> 00:22:23,129
Oh, hello Pat.
477
00:22:27,929 --> 00:22:29,369
[music stops]
478
00:22:29,449 --> 00:22:30,529
Right.
479
00:22:30,609 --> 00:22:31,409
[Manyou] What you doing?
480
00:22:31,489 --> 00:22:33,889
Have a bit of quiet please.
481
00:22:33,969 --> 00:22:35,729
I can still hear talking.
482
00:22:35,809 --> 00:22:41,049
Turn the music back on,
don't be so boring Keith.
483
00:22:41,769 --> 00:22:43,449
Not in front of the children.
484
00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:44,769
His name's Keith.
485
00:22:44,849 --> 00:22:49,969
[Children] Keith, Keith,
Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith!
486
00:22:50,209 --> 00:22:54,169
Come on it's Saturday
night, let's go bonkers.
487
00:22:54,249 --> 00:22:55,329
[children cheer]
488
00:22:55,409 --> 00:22:56,529
You're actually
kind of cool miss.
489
00:22:56,609 --> 00:22:57,889
Don't sound so surprised,
490
00:22:57,969 --> 00:23:00,529
I actually listen to Radio
One in the mornings you know.
491
00:23:00,609 --> 00:23:01,529
[Manyou laughs]
492
00:23:01,609 --> 00:23:02,529
Do you want a toke miss?
493
00:23:02,609 --> 00:23:04,809
Yeah, let's have a toke.
494
00:23:06,529 --> 00:23:08,409
Miss Postern.
495
00:23:08,489 --> 00:23:11,129
[upbeat music]
496
00:23:14,289 --> 00:23:16,569
[Mr. Gunn] Look Ms Baron,
it's all over the internet.
497
00:23:16,649 --> 00:23:17,729
This is awful.
498
00:23:17,809 --> 00:23:18,929
He's even put it
on his Facebook.
499
00:23:19,009 --> 00:23:20,809
Yes, well I think we
know how that got there.
500
00:23:20,889 --> 00:23:22,649
And I've even heard that someone
501
00:23:22,729 --> 00:23:24,289
sent it to the local paper.
502
00:23:24,369 --> 00:23:26,049
Headmistress, I can
explain everything.
503
00:23:26,129 --> 00:23:27,889
I think it's too late for that.
504
00:23:27,969 --> 00:23:31,169
I mean really Mr. Church,
hosting a drug's party?
505
00:23:31,249 --> 00:23:33,769
I was not hosting
a drug's party.
506
00:23:33,849 --> 00:23:37,289
Were there any other
members of staff present?
507
00:23:37,369 --> 00:23:40,449
No, just me and a very
generous cold spread.
508
00:23:40,529 --> 00:23:42,609
The spread is of
no interest to me.
509
00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:46,649
I'm more interested in this
picture of you holding a joint.
510
00:23:46,729 --> 00:23:47,969
Camera never lies.
511
00:23:48,049 --> 00:23:51,049
Well on this very specific
occasion the camera did lie
512
00:23:51,129 --> 00:23:53,129
because although I'm
holding the, um...
513
00:23:53,209 --> 00:23:54,609
Ganja.
514
00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:57,609
Ganja, I did not take a toke.
515
00:23:57,689 --> 00:23:58,849
You hear that?
516
00:23:58,929 --> 00:24:00,129
Ganja, toke, knows all
the lingo, don't he?
517
00:24:00,209 --> 00:24:01,889
Did any money change hands?
518
00:24:01,969 --> 00:24:03,049
No of course not.
519
00:24:03,129 --> 00:24:04,049
Dealing drugs,
that's even worse,
520
00:24:04,129 --> 00:24:05,209
should make a note of that.
521
00:24:05,289 --> 00:24:09,569
Yes thank you Mr. Gunn,
you can leave us now.
522
00:24:12,089 --> 00:24:14,289
Should I announce he's
being sacked or um?
523
00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:15,369
Thank you.
524
00:24:22,489 --> 00:24:24,089
[Mr. Gunn] Yes!
525
00:24:24,889 --> 00:24:26,969
Headmistress, I feel my
position at this school
526
00:24:27,049 --> 00:24:28,049
has become untenable
527
00:24:28,129 --> 00:24:29,729
and I would like to
tender my resignation.
528
00:24:29,809 --> 00:24:31,729
No, I've got a better idea.
529
00:24:31,809 --> 00:24:33,369
You can talk to the whole school
530
00:24:33,449 --> 00:24:35,209
about the dangers
of drug addiction.
531
00:24:35,289 --> 00:24:36,129
But I'm not a drug addict.
532
00:24:36,209 --> 00:24:37,329
I've never even taken drugs.
533
00:24:37,409 --> 00:24:39,729
Everybody's seen the picture.
534
00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,569
I think the children
would really benefit
535
00:24:41,649 --> 00:24:46,129
from hearing at length
about your drugs hell.
536
00:24:47,649 --> 00:24:49,889
♪ The drugs don't work ♪
537
00:24:49,969 --> 00:24:52,049
♪ They just make you worse ♪
538
00:24:52,129 --> 00:24:57,289
♪ And I know I'll
see your face again ♪
539
00:24:58,089 --> 00:25:00,489
♪ No the drugs don't work ♪
540
00:25:00,569 --> 00:25:03,089
♪ They just make you worse ♪
541
00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:07,849
♪ But I know I'll
see your face again ♪
542
00:25:11,449 --> 00:25:14,329
[students applaud]
543
00:25:17,129 --> 00:25:21,249
Despite this school's very
strong anti-drug stance,
544
00:25:21,329 --> 00:25:23,889
as you know any drugs
found on the premises--
545
00:25:23,969 --> 00:25:24,849
I'm sorry you got the
blame for all of this.
546
00:25:24,929 --> 00:25:27,049
Oh, please don't be.
547
00:25:27,129 --> 00:25:28,969
Maybe I should say something.
548
00:25:29,049 --> 00:25:31,689
One of the teaching
staff has been unmasked
549
00:25:31,769 --> 00:25:33,689
as a drugs fiend.
550
00:25:33,769 --> 00:25:35,529
Would they please now stand up?
551
00:25:35,609 --> 00:25:38,969
First, I became addicted
to Hall's Soothers,
552
00:25:39,049 --> 00:25:40,689
but that was just a gateway
to the harder stuff.
553
00:25:40,769 --> 00:25:42,489
Mr. Church.
554
00:25:42,569 --> 00:25:44,009
Oh, sorry.
555
00:25:44,089 --> 00:25:46,129
Forget I said that.
556
00:25:52,729 --> 00:25:56,209
Yes, I am a drugs addict.
557
00:25:56,289 --> 00:26:00,569
I'm always getting
drugged up on the drugs.
558
00:26:03,969 --> 00:26:06,609
First, I enjoyed
taking the drugs.
559
00:26:06,689 --> 00:26:10,489
I thought I could fly,
I started seeing things,
560
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,569
pink elephants...
561
00:26:14,689 --> 00:26:19,649
Pink elephants on parade
and I realised I was high
562
00:26:19,729 --> 00:26:21,929
and I wanted to get high again.
563
00:26:22,009 --> 00:26:25,609
Soon I would do anything
to get high on the drugs
564
00:26:25,689 --> 00:26:28,529
and even considered
selling my body.
565
00:26:28,609 --> 00:26:30,209
[students laugh]
566
00:26:30,289 --> 00:26:34,009
But as a result,
I've let myself down.
567
00:26:34,089 --> 00:26:35,409
I've let the teachers down,
568
00:26:35,489 --> 00:26:38,809
I've let various members of
the administrative staff down,
569
00:26:38,889 --> 00:26:43,489
but most of all, I've
let you down, the kids.
570
00:26:44,489 --> 00:26:47,569
Today you've lost a role model.
571
00:26:48,969 --> 00:26:52,049
So drugs don't do them, yeah?
572
00:26:58,889 --> 00:27:01,529
[Sarah applauds]
573
00:27:01,609 --> 00:27:04,729
[teachers applaud]
574
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,129
[students applaud]
575
00:27:22,809 --> 00:27:25,769
Thank you for not fingering me.
576
00:27:27,329 --> 00:27:29,129
For you, anything.
577
00:27:29,809 --> 00:27:33,649
And your speech,
surprisingly powerful.
578
00:27:33,729 --> 00:27:37,089
Well, I feel like I finally
conquered my demons.
579
00:27:37,169 --> 00:27:41,889
But remember you never
actually taken drugs.
580
00:27:42,929 --> 00:27:46,369
Best not spoil it
for the children.
581
00:27:52,929 --> 00:27:53,969
Scarface.
582
00:27:54,849 --> 00:27:55,569
Stoner.
583
00:27:55,649 --> 00:27:56,849
[Keith laughs]
584
00:27:56,929 --> 00:27:57,769
Churchy.
585
00:27:57,849 --> 00:27:59,289
Keeping it real, indeed.
586
00:27:59,369 --> 00:28:00,369
Churchy!
587
00:28:01,449 --> 00:28:02,209
Stoner.
588
00:28:03,369 --> 00:28:06,049
[upbeat music]
589
00:28:12,689 --> 00:28:14,289
There is a boy in my tutor group
590
00:28:14,369 --> 00:28:15,769
who is having some
problems at home.
591
00:28:15,849 --> 00:28:17,169
His mom's on Sex Safari.
592
00:28:17,249 --> 00:28:21,049
I imagine the Maasai love
making is very animalistic.
593
00:28:21,129 --> 00:28:24,529
Sorry to hear about your
wife running off with the um,
594
00:28:24,609 --> 00:28:25,689
Maasai tribe.
595
00:28:25,769 --> 00:28:27,049
Who do you think
wrote that song?
596
00:28:27,129 --> 00:28:28,129
A bellend.
597
00:28:28,209 --> 00:28:30,729
We need to rehearse
Juliet and Romeo.
598
00:28:30,809 --> 00:28:35,249
Shack-er-speare must be
rolling in his grave.
599
00:28:35,809 --> 00:28:36,769
Boozer.
600
00:28:37,529 --> 00:28:39,009
[Children] Yes!
601
00:28:39,089 --> 00:28:40,529
♪ When I think about the days ♪
602
00:28:40,609 --> 00:28:45,809
♪ There was something
of a haze about it ♪
603
00:28:46,809 --> 00:28:48,129
♪ When you said
we'd never change ♪
604
00:28:48,209 --> 00:28:53,409
♪ Well we never stopped
to think about it ♪
605
00:28:54,169 --> 00:28:57,089
♪ We know we're not the same ♪
606
00:28:57,169 --> 00:29:01,009
♪ But let's not
break the chain ♪
607
00:29:01,089 --> 00:29:06,089
♪ And we should play
this game together ♪
41600
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