All language subtitles for B S S01E01 1080p ROKU WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264_track3_[eng]

So, when the bottle of
cold liquid nitrogen

hits the warm water, it
will expand and explode,

and just to spice
things up a little bit,

we have, Pat,

1000 ping-pong balls.

Pat.

Take it away, Pat, go on, Pat.

[laughs] Off you go.

Cover your ears, everybody.

[bell rings]

Hang on, don't go,
you'll miss the-

[explosion bangs]

[balls clattering]

[cheerful music]

♪ When I think about the days ♪

♪ There is something
of a haze about it ♪

♪ When you said
we'd never change ♪

♪ Well, we never stopped
to think about it ♪

♪ We know we're not the same ♪

♪ But let's not
break the chain ♪

♪ And we should play
this game together ♪

[cheerful music]

Good morning, everyone.

Can I have your
attention, please?

I have a very important
announcement to make.

-Keith.
-Quiet, please.

I have long been aware that
the pupils here at Greybridge

have zero interest in education.

-Know it.
-Mr. Barber, I'm talking.

But it seems the
teachers have even less.

Yes, I'm talking about
you lot, deal with it.

I don't think this is the time.

This is the perfect time.

So, after a week's reflection,

I have decided to hand in
this letter of resignation.

I'm sorry, but-

And where is Mrs. Kent?

Late again, I imagine.

She's dead.

Completely dead?

Yes.

Did you not get my text?

No, I didn't need to make
any calls over half term,

so I didn't turn my phone on.

How did she...

French A-level trip.

Eating a crepe.

Nut allergy.

Daft old cow didn't realise
Nutella's got nuts in it.

Tragically, she didn't know

the French for
anaphylactic shock.

[phone beeps]

Oh, I've got it now.

Linda, dead.

When's the funeral?

Oh, yesterday.

Wish I had a nut allergy.

One fun-size Snickers,
I'd end it all.

Don't say that,
life is precious.

Well, mine isn't.

You see the graffiti those
kids did about me this morning?

Oh, Mrs. Kent.

What can you say
about Mrs. Kent,

other than, she was Mrs. Kent.

Kenty.

Kent-face.

Mrs. K.

Special K.

The KKK.

She didn't like
being called that.

The thing I'll always
remember about Mrs. Kent is-

You gonna hand that
letter of resignation in?

Oh, yes, yes, I'll do it now.

Run!

[Mr. Hubble snores]

I love everything French,
not just the language,

the history, the
romance, the bread.

I say to myself, don't just
teach these kids French,

let them be French.

Dirty people, dirty country.

May I sit down?

I'd rather you didn't,

I've just had the
chairs upholstered.

Now, you've got a lot
to live up to, Miss...

Postern.

Lavatory's next
door, Mr. Hubble.

Oh.

They've moved it.

One of the pupils?

What did you say?

I said, is he one of the pupils?

Clearly not, he's a teacher.

I was just making a joke.

Please don't do that again.

Anything else you'd like to add?

Well, I should tell you

that my teaching methods are...

How can I put it?

Unconventional.

Like what?

I get the kids up
playing vocab tennis.

I serve up a French word

and they return it to
me with a translation.

Let me serve one up for you.

[Miss Postern grunts]

Boulangerie.

The whole thing's
utterly excruciating.

The kids absolutely love it.

They're just humouring you.

They're just humouring
you, you mean.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know.

Morning.

Awful news about Linda.

Yes, I was one of
the first to know.

Beautiful funeral.

Didn't see you there.

Yes, well, there was
a separate service

for family and
very close friends,

and I went to that, obviously.

There was no administrative
staff invited.

Oh, oh, you can't go in there.

She's just in with the
new French teacher.

I'm sorry, this can't wait.

I'm busy.

I have a very important
letter for you.

Hello.

Oh.

I'm Sarah, Mrs.
Kent's replacement.

Not that anybody
could replace her,

but I'm replacing her.

Mr, Mr...

Mr. Church.

Keith Church.

All the kids call me Churchy.

No, they don't.

What's in the letter?

Oh, that's nothing.

Oh, I'm sorry, was
that your foot?

That's all right,
I've got another one.

Oh, I've got another one, she
says, very comical. [laughs]

I was the funny one
in my last school.

Looks like it'll
be the same here.

Give me the letter.

Oh, no, it's best I
just read it to you.

Dear Headmistress, just to say

how much I'm enjoying
my time at the school

and I hope for it to continue
for many years to come.

Also, it was lovely to meet the

hilarious new French
teacher, Susan.

Sarah.

And just to say, she has very,
very, very beautiful hair.

Mm, get that a lot.

Yours sincerely, Keith Church,
Deputy Head of Science.

And all that was in
the letter, was it?

Yes, it was, so there's no
need for you to read it.

Won't take up any more
of your time. [laughs]

Au revoir.

[speaking in French]

[Mr. Church mumbles]

No, you don't, do you?

And to avoid another
Nutella fatality,

I think we should all know that

the French for
anaphylactic shock is...

Shock anaphylactique.

-[crowd giggles]
-Really?

She should've guessed that.

[crowd laughs]

Would you like to introduce
yourself to the school,

say a few words?

Hello.

Okay, make some noise if
you think French is boring.

[crowd cheers]

All right, and let's have
a really big shout out

from anyone who thinks
learning a new language

is a complete and
utter waste of time.

[crowd cheers]

But what if I was to tell you-

Thank you, I really did
mean just a few words.

Oh, right, well, obviously,
I hadn't finished,

because I was going
to do a little thing.

You've established
that French is boring,

and I have to wonder
why you did that.

[crowd laughs]

Could I just do a little
bit of vocab tennis?

Sit down.

So, pupils past and
present are welcome

at the commemorative service
for Mrs. Kent a week on Sunday.

Mr. Church.

Toilets.

Now, I spoke to you last
term about graffiti,

and I'm sorry to say
that an obscene picture

has appeared on the walls
of the boys lavatories.

This is completely
unacceptable and must stop now.

That is all.

So, what's in the picture?

Well, I'd rather not say.

[crowd laughs]

Well, if they don't know
what's in the picture,

how are they gonna
know what not to draw?

[crowd laughs]

Well,

there's a bald-headed gentlemen
who resembles Mr. Barber

and he's kneeling.

Part of his anatomy is exposed

and he's engaging with a sheep.

What's the sheep doing?

Oh, well, the sheep is saying,

"Harder, Mr. Barber."

[Crowd] Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

[cheerful music]

Excuse me, do you know the
way to the language block?

Yes.

Wolfgang Amadeus
Mozart was born in 1756

in Salzburg, Austria.

Boring.

Sorry, guys, Mozart
is totally yawnsville.

The problem with classical music

is it doesn't have
a good beat to it.

[stutters]

[stutters]

You don't get a beat like
that in one of Mozart's

tracks.

So, this term, instead
of learning about
Mozart or Beethoven

or one of the other ones,

we're gonna learn
about these guys.

Ricky, Andrew,
Simon, Nick, Peanut,

-a.k.a., the Kaiser Chiefs.
-[knocking]

Hello, lost teacher alert.

Hi.

Where is 4B?

Don't you wanna hang out with us

and learn about
the Kaiser Chiefs?

I would love to, but if I don't

get to my classroom soon,
I predict a riot. [laughs]

What?

That's one of their songs.

Don't know that one.

4B's down the
corridor, on the right.

Laters.

Laters.

[exhales]

My last school was very urban.

So, if I catch you one more time

with alcohol on school property,

I'll have no option
but to suspend you.

Do I get it back
after school, Miss?

No, you do not, Beyonce.

Now, get out.

I can't take any more.

Look, I'm not giving
you any more sick leave.

Please.

Take your hands
off the furniture.

For god's sake, help me, woman.

I'm having your textbook
nervous breakdown.

Mr. Barber, in order
to get paid leave,

it'll take a damn sight
more than a bit of graffiti

and 200 children
chanting, "Baa, baa, baa."

Baa.

Look, all I need is just
the rest of the year off.

Oh, grow a pair.

Of course the children
are gonna pick on you.

You're Welsh, you're
bald, you're fat.

They don't pick on
me for being fat.

Then they're missing a trick.

Now, please leave
me, I'm very busy.

Oh.

[Miss Postern speaks in French]

Why are you speaking foreign?

Because this is French GCSE.

So, what sort of things were
you doing with Mrs. Kent?

She just let us go
down the shops, Miss.

Well, I've got something
better than the shops.

It's a game I invented, [speaks
in French], French Whispers.

It's a little bit
different, so bear with me.

-Is it-
-Just a moment.

It's like Chinese Whispers, but-

-Yeah, we know.
-Ah, ah, ah.

The difference is-

Is it Chinese
Whispers in French?

It is Chinese Whispers
in French, well done.

Okay.

What's the phrase?

Nice and loud so
we can all hear.

Ryan and Calum are bum-chums.

[students laughing]

No.

That would be Ryan et
Calum [speaking in French].

[students laughing]

Oh.

Oh, Miss Postern,
please, have my seat.

So, do you live in
the local area or...

Why don't you grab a free
chair from over there?

Good plan.

This seat taken?

Yes.

Hm, this one?

Yes.

-This one?
-Yes.

-How about this one?
-They're all taken.

I understand.

This one?

Yes.

Don't know who they're all for,

he normally sits on his own.

Oh, anyway, I prefer eating
standing up, it aids digestion.

So, the kids were going bananas

for your teaching this
morning, it was inspirational.

Well, I always like
to give the kids 110%.

Me too, but 100%
would be the maximum.

Not for me.

For everyone, you can only
have 100% of something.

Yes, I know, and that's what
I give, plus an extra 10%.

You can't.

Let's not fall out over this.

No, let's not, but just so
you know, I do give 110%.

Teachers like us who give the
maximum percentage possible

are sadly in the minority here.

The teaching standards
at this school

are at an all-time low.

That's why he's resigning.

Thank god.

Oh.

Oh, are you leaving us?

No, no, I'm not resigning.

Typical drama teachers,
over-dramatizing everything.

Bollocks with a cherry on top.

He had a letter for
the headmistress.

Oh, is that what that was?

What prompted the
360 degree turn?

Well, I just, I just
thought with your arrival,

there was a fresh
energy at the school.

Oh, well, thank you.

It's 180 degree turn,

360 would put you back
where you started.

Coffee?

So, don't know if they told you,

but I'm one of the
longest serving teachers

here at Greybridge. [laughs]

I've actually been rattling
around these corridors

for 15 years now.

Really?

Oh, I couldn't imagine working
in one place for that long.

How long were you
at your last school?

12 years.

Oh.

So, what does your husband say
about you joining the school?

He says, "Hello, I'm
an imaginary husband."

Because I'm not married.

Oh, interesting. [laughs]

Your boyfriend then?

He says, "Hello, I'm an
imaginary boyfriend."

Well, you get my drift.

Are you married?

Only to chemistry.

Well, it's a
good-sized staff room.

Yes, and before you ask,

no, I don't have a girlfriend,

I'm just sort of
dating at the moment.

He's never dated anyone.

I have.

Who have you dated then?

Well, it's a long list.

Well, a page of A4.

Go on then, name some.

Miss Postner has
some lessons to plan.

Oh, no, that's all right,

I've still got some
coffee to drink.

Plenty of time.

Go on.

Well, there's Catherine,

Anne, Jane,

another Anne, Catherine,
another Catherine.

Those are the names
of Henry VIII's wives.

Rumble.

No, I think you'll
find the spelling

of some of the
Catherines is different.

He's a virgin.

I am not!

I've had plenty of sex!

Well, the appropriate amount.

I haven't introduced myself.

Trevor Gunn.

Oh, hello. [laughs]

Now, don't tell
me, let me guess,

I'm good at this sort of thing.

You teach pottery.

Oh! [laughs]

[Mr. Gunn] No.

Teaches pottery, I get it.

Well, I'm glad
somebody does. [laughs]

Mr. Gunn actually teaches games.

Yes, I know.

No, it's not called games.

It's physical education.

Actually, it's one of the
hardest degrees to do.

Imagine that, three years

learning to pump up a football.

That was one module.

So, do you live local?

Don't feel you have
to answer that.

I'd love to have
you over one night.

It'll have to be when
his mother's gone to bed.

Yeah, big woop, I live
at home with my mum.

She does all the cooking, all
the cleaning, all the washing,

I mean, I'm living the dream.

If I get married, I'll put
her in a home, obviously.

Wow.

Bet she can't wait
for that. [laughs]

That put him in his place.

[Miss Postern laughs]

Well, I'm gonna have to be
off now, but I look forward to

some more of this
knockabout banter later.

[Mr. Church laughs]

Oh, dear.

-I'm gonna ruin that.
-Oh, dear.

This Friday, mum's
got senior Zumba.

Got the place to
myself, get her over,

Chinese takeaway,
slip her a length.

Miss Postern does not look like

the sort of woman
who eats takeaway.

It's gonna happen, mate,
I've had every woman here.

Oh, not this again.

Every single one.

Hm.

The headmistress?

No.

Mrs. Klebb?

No, she's a lezza.

Pat.

Are we talking
intercourse, or...

[Mr. Church groans]

No, she don't mean nothing.

I just lost my phone, which
is why I didn't answer.

Yeah, well, I found it now.

Manyou.

This is meant to be a detention.

I'm on the phone.

Look, babe, I'm gonna
come see you later.

Hey, what time's this thing end?

Five o'clock.

No, no, no, I need to go.

Look, babe, I'm gonna come
see you about half four.

Manyou, what were you
put in detention for?

Using my phone in school.

Was that your girlfriend?

One of them.

Oof. [laughs]

You remind me of me at your age.

I was quite the jack the lad.

But I'm just a bit
out of practise,

so just out of interest,

how do you tell a lady
that you like her?

I just text her a
picture of my knob.

Yes, but if you
don't have a phone

that sends picture messages-

Look, if you wanna bang
this new French teacher-

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that
is quite enough of that.

But what were you gonna say?

Right, it's no biggie.

Just get her in your car.

Bitches love wheels.

Well, that word is
derogatory to women,

but thank you.

Look, I've gotta go anyway.

[Mr. Church] It's
not five o'clock yet.

Yeah, I know, but I've gotta go.

Well, I'm gonna let
you off this time,

but I want you to think
about using your phone

-more responsibly-
-Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Sorry.

Sorry, Pat, didn't know
you were still here.

Must be getting changed.

Could you just pass me
my briefcase, please?

Oh.

Oh, don't worry, I'll
get it in the morning.

Thanks for everything today.

See you tomorrow.

[cheerful music]

[bell rings]

Whoever did this needs
a ruddy good hiding.

No, no, no.

This is a cry for help.

Punishment is not the answer.

Have you any idea the percentage
of prisoners who re-offend?

No.

Nor do I.

I read a piece in the
Guardian, can't remember,

but it was surprisingly high.

Would you like a lift?

What?

Would you like a lift?

-Where?
-In my car.

Tonight, after school.

But, to where?

To your home, presuming you live

within a seven-mile radius.

-A lift?
-Yes.

Just a lift.

Just a guy giving a
gal a lift. [laughs]

Well, that's very kind of you.

Would make a change from
having to wait for le bus.

Excuse me?

It's French for bus.

Is there anything you
don't know about France?

I just love it.

It's such a different
way of life over there.

You must've spent a
lot of time there.

No, never been.

You've never been to France?

No.

Sometimes, I just think,

oh, to hell with it, Sarah,
leave everything behind,

just jump on the ferry
and go for the day.

You're such a free spirit.

I know!

[cheerful music]

So, Janine, any
plans for tonight?

Well, Frida fell out of
her wheelchair last night,

so we'll probably just
cuddle up on the sofa

and watch Masterchef.

Blimey, the Internet's
very misleading

when it comes to lesbians.

Yeah.

So, my Friday night's
looking pretty hectic.

Mm.

Mm, yes, since you ask,

I'm giving the new French
teacher a lift home tonight.

That's happening tonight,
so I'm busy tonight,

that's happening tonight.

Sorry, when's that
happening again?

Tonight.

And then what?

Well, who knows?

Listen, Churchy, even
if she invited you in,

you wouldn't know
what to do with her.

You're forgetting, I
studied biology at A-level.

♪ If I just say the word ♪

♪ Su-Sussudio ♪

♪ Just say the word, oh ♪

♪ Su-Sussudio ♪

♪ Now I know that
I'm too young ♪

♪ My love has just begun ♪

♪ Su-Sussudio ♪

You need a massage.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thank you.

It's just a bit of
neck and shoulder pain.

Oh, that is good.

I wish I brought me oils.

Yeah, I'm fully trained.

Oh.

I did an internet correspondence
course in sports massage.

[Mr. Church] Sarah.

Oh, yes, I'll just
be another minute.

I don't think this is
appropriate on school premises.

There is nothing inappropriate
about having a massage.

Dear god.

That'll go down eventually.

Stick it in the fridge.

I have found that
hitting it with a spoon

makes it go down as well.

Yes, let's go.

You better back off, sunshine.

Yeah, or what?

Or I'll slip you a length.

No, that's not what that means.

So, is it any sort
of spoon, or...

Dessert spoon probably
best, obviously not plastic.

I'll remember that.

Your carriage awaits.

Oh.

Well, I survived my
first week, Ms. Baron.

Are you having a party?

No, these are all confiscated
items I'm disposing of.

Daphne, put the lager
on the front seat.

Oh. [laughs]

Mercy buckets.

French?

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You know that I
am on your side ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

[car engine sputters]

Everything all right?

Yes, yes, it's fine, thank you.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Do you need a lift, babes?

What you doing that for?

For your own protection.

No, thank you, everything's
fine here, Trevor, thank you.

Well, it's not fine, is it?

The battery's gone dead
because he's left the radio on.

Oh, what a shame.

And I haven't got
any jump leads.

Well, have a great
night, you two lovebirds.

Maybe we could just
ask him for a tow.

No, no, no.

Absolutely no way.

[Miss Postern] I have to go.

Yes, almost there.

Why doesn't this door open?

It only unlocks
from the outside.

You've locked me
in, haven't you?

Yes, it's safer
when he's around.

Do you want my help or not?

Yes, I just don't want you
touching her, thank you.

Let me out.

But we're nearly there.

No, don't do that,
it's dangerous.

-I'm getting out.
-No, no, don't, don't,

don't, don't do that, let me
help you, let me help you.

I've got you, I've got you.

Get off her.

-I'll help you.
-Don't touch her.

-Don't touch her.
-I'm helping!

Put me down.

There, got you.

A beautiful woman joins the
school and the two of you

start acting like a
pair of 12-year-olds.

I'm getting the bus.

Le bus.

And I will see the two
of you on Monday morning

with the rest of the children.

Goodbye.

My bag.

Come on, then.

[car bumper clatters]

London airport, please.

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ Billy, if you
know you're right ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You know that I
am on your side ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ Oh, Billy, you
better, you better ♪

♪ You better run for your life ♪

A talent show, no, no, no, no.

If you can find any talented
pupils in this school,

I'd be very surprised.

My point is, I'm never gonna

come over to your
house and take a bath.

French is a poor man's Spanish!

[Mr. Barber sings]

[crowd applauds]

All right, I'm Keith Lemon!

Your oboe playing is,
at best, pedestrian!

Miss Postern, this
ridiculous behaviour

has gone on long enough!

This is a fix.

[sighs]

♪ When I think about the days ♪

♪ There is something
of a haze about it ♪

♪ When you said
we'd never change ♪

♪ Well, we never stopped
to think about it ♪

♪ We know we're not the same ♪

♪ But let's not
break the chain ♪

♪ And we should play
this game together ♪