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Tremendous.

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Out of the way, it is great.

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Fantastic.

Oh, true.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

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Excuse me.

My gun wasn't from you.

How do you know that was yours?

Five.

Five seats in.

Five's my lucky number.

Are you American?

I was for the time.

One of no fields.

Five bucks for a hand job.

Could we be a little less public?

50 bucks, one hour.

Make it a little less.

Okay, 35.

Good.

And 10 for the room.

And five for the soap and towel.

Well, that's $50.

Take it or leave it.

Deal.

I'll meet you outside in 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

Mm-hmm, 10 minutes.

I have to meet Napoleon.

Napoleon.

Napoleon.

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Hi, you're right on time.

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You should return every penny you've made since you started in this

business.

Or give a rebate like the car companies.

I do my job.

You do.

My dear, you are the absolute nader of passion.

The most unexciting thing God has ever created.

A sexual civil service worker.

Nobody needs to read my last book more or deserves to be in my next book

less than you.

What book is that?

The Anals of Passion.

I'll send you a copy.

You don't know my address.

I'll send it to the seat in the movie theater.

Oh, Seymour.

She's only trying to get ahead in the world.

Does your book really work?

You maybe need some help.

Seymour, help her.

Well, I could if anybody could.

I could make her the Golden Rod Girl.

The Golden Rod Girl? Seymour, you got too far.

No, I could do it.

The love lessons could do it.

Do what?

Make you Lawrence Layman's old lady at the next party he throws.

Who's Lawrence Layman?

Oh, you're off to a good start, Seymour.

I could do it.

Bet you.

My soul, Dr. Love, and my commitment to publish the result.

You're on.

You want a job?

There's something about you that's not quite right.

I don't know.

OK.

See you in the movies.

I'll set up some popcorn.

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I got you all to myself, old one-hound baby.

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Hey!

Hey, wait for me!

Good night.

I've changed my mind.

I'll go with you.

OK.

What's your name?

Misty Beethoven.

Is that the real name?

No, it's not.

I think it's a sound more important.

What was it before?

The Laura's Beethoven.

I sure get it.

Well, I hope you like flying.

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[ENGINE REVVING]

Now, who gets the vodka?

I do.

And the Bloody Mary?

Right.

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It'll be strange to be back in the States.

First trip?

Excuse me.

Do you think the pilot would give me some head?

I don't know.

I'll ask him as soon as we're through with the dinner servers.

Thank you.

Well, you're going to learn a lot from this trip.

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Now, the Golden Rod Girl is the invention of Lawrence Layman.

Unlike some titles like "Conservier" or "Ballbreaker of the Century,"

the Golden Rod Girl is chosen informally and spontaneously.

Yeah.

Sometime during the next three or four months,

the period will begin where he's going to want to make

some kind of a splash.

So he'll announce the most exciting new girl of the season,

usually a jet setter, sometimes an addict.

One spat a politician's daughter.

But that's very rigged.

I think that the time is right for a complete unknown.

That's me, huh?

No.

No?

No.

No.

It will be you.

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OK.

Let's get you undressed.

No, no, no.

You don't do it yourself.

You don't know how for one thing.

And for another thing, when a man undresses a woman,

he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that.

Or if she undresses solely for him,

he gets a certain amount of pleasure from that also.

Misty, it is your job to learn to develop in yourself

the instinct to convert a trivial act, a mundane routine,

a daily chore into something stimulating, creative,

and above all, communicative.

I think men stink.

Well, they think you stink.

In fact, it's one of the most perfectly balanced equations

in nature.

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Whenever you see that, it's a triumph.

You say to yourself, look, I made that.

It comes at my request.

It's my pride.

And sometimes a woman has to swallow her pride.

Can you make a man come when you want?

I think so.

Well, you're going to make three men come simultaneously.

Ooh.

Wow.

Why?

It'll give you confidence.

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The ironic impulse is like rain.

And as it seeps down the water table of sexual custom,

it becomes less intoxicating and less potent.

It seeps down social class by social class, floor by floor,

step by step, until it reaches the basement.

Fuck you.

No.

Fuck them.

Misty, never forget the cardinal.

As Hyman Mandel once said,

"Never let the fact that they are doing it wrong

stop you from doing it right."

Who is Hyman Mandel?

I don't know.

I read that on the men's room wall at the New York Athletic Club.

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Misty, now remember, most women stop sucking

at the moment of orgasm.

That, however, is when the real woman just begins to suck.

And one and two and in and out.

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When do we show her?

Soon, but not too soon.

Remember, the plays, the thing, were in the catch,

the hard-on of the king.

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Lawrence Layman.

The man who gave the world the magazine Goldenrod,

right where it deserves.

You know you're selfish.

You know you're self-obsessed.

You know you're an egomaniac.

You know your magazine stinks.

You know you're not as bright as everyone thinks you are.

You know you're not so talented.

You know you have a gray hair.

A gray hair?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I got a gray hair where?

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You know she did OK.

What's the artful dodge you're thinking of now?

Get to the battle early.

Nelson said that.

Lord Nelson?

No, Nelson Eddy in Nortie Marietta.

Why get to the battle early?

So you can leave early.

How do I know?

Let's go to Rome.

I can stay at my place.

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Oh, I can confirm your return on that date.

That's wonderful.

The destination is New York, and that's first class?

Right.

Which part of first class?

Sex or non-sex?

Sex.

First class, sex, non-smoking or first class sex smoking?

First class, sex, non-smoking.

First class, sex, non-smoking, adult film

or first class sex, non-smoking family film?

Or first class sex, non-smoking adult film.

First class, sex, non-smoking, adult film,

vegetarian kosher or regular meals?

Regular meals.

Are you a fucker or mostly interested in a little head?

Just a little head.

Very good.

That's three seats, Cascade Flight 111, destination New York.

First class, sex, non-smoking, adult film,

no special meals, interested in a little head

and a lot of pleasure.

Happy landing.

Bye.

OK, let's see.

We had one dinner, a brandy, two blowjobs,

and a head set, right?

Excuse me, but I had one blowjob

and I haven't gotten my brandy yet.

Oh, OK.

Look, you've charged him here for two blowjobs and a brandy.

Now, he's only had one blowjob

and he hasn't gotten his brandy.

Oh, excuse me, just let me get rid of these things, OK?

OK.

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Uh, madam?

Excuse me.

Uh, madam?

Madam?

Madam?

Yes.

Are you holding a first class ticket?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to return to the coach section.

Could you wait one minute, please?

Passengers holding coach tickets are permitted in the first class cabin,

only before takeoff and after landing.

Rules are rules, pilots' wife or no pilots' wife.

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Where are we staying?

Geraldine's little shack in the country.

What's the biggest difference between New York and Rome?

There aren't as many Italians in Rome.

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Hey, I like what you've done.

It's home.

Seymour, when do you want the car?

Uh, six o'clock tomorrow.

Uh, Misty?

Misty, in order to be something sexually,

it is absolutely necessary to begin by being nothing sexually.

Like my Napoleon?

We're not even going to talk about that.

Now, the important thing is that you learn to concentrate on what you're

doing.

That's why tomorrow night, I don't want you to say a word.

Is that important?

Misty, do you know why people have unsatisfactory sexual relations?

No.

Because they talk too much.

And they say the wrong thing.

They turn somebody on and then immediately they turn them off.

We don't want to make that mistake with you.

So tomorrow night, I don't want you to open your mouth.

You don't?

Well, you know what I mean.

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Tomorrow night, you're going out to the ballet

with some delightful people.

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You know how I hate being late anywhere.

Oh, please.

You could have gotten home 30 minutes sooner.

You didn't have to putz around that way.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I should have picked him up by now.

Nice meeting you.

That'll do.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

They should be at the opera house.

Now Alfredo Spantini is a man who, when he wants to get off,

wants to get off right away.

No matter where he happens to be.

But he has a special problem.

He has difficulty sustaining his excitement.

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And right now, they should be in the toilet.

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Blast off.

I haven't ever seen anything so shocking in all my life.

Don't you young people have any respect for others anymore?

I little would have done such a thing when I was your age.

I would have had more consideration for other people.

If he couldn't control himself, I would have sucked him off

in the telephone booth.

Did you hear what happened at the ballet in Rome

there the night?

No, what happened?

This girl did a number with Alfredo Spantini in the toilet.

Oh, you don't say.

Everybody in Rome is talking about it.

Oh, you know how they exactly--

Quite shocking.

Right here, she swings both the wings.

You know what?

My wife fucked the maid for years.

It never affected our relationship with her lover.

Who is she?

I think she's new.

Her name is--

Misty Beethoven.

So long.

Have you ever heard of a girl named Misty Beethoven?

No.

Why?

Zaviera Bernstein said that she freaked everyone

at the Fireburden Rome on the night.

Yeah?

Yes, matinee and evening performances.

So who the fuck is she?

Misty Beethoven is getting her name in the paper.

They're talking about Misty Beethoven.

They're talking about Misty Beethoven.

It says here that Misty Beethoven is the perfect example

of an over-sexed Capricorn.

Misty Beethoven.

Yes, the new Count on the scene.

Let me run down on her.

Hey, did you hear Misty Beethoven was born

on the international date line,

and only three astrologers in the world can do it, Charles?

And she has a composure to be sexually satisfied

wherever she happens to be.

She must be a Scorpio, Scorpio.

And Scorpio is usually a Frigid.

It says here that Misty Beethoven

is a perfect example of an Aquarius.

Aquarius?

Aquarians take it in the ass, don't they?

Of course they do, you romantic fool.

Of course they do.

So what did you find out about her?

Well, Sandra Bromowitz thinks she may be from Belgium.

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I'll never get this.

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Who on earth is she?

I don't know. I've heard...

that her mother's Hungarian.

Hungarian? It's getting better.

I think she's ready.

To venture out into the world and simultaneously at the very same moment

without her fingers leaving her hands,

both scheme and fuck at the same time.

It's stupendous, Dr. Le. Want a pat?

You're up.

Who's she going to ball?

She's going to ball an impotent man.

I'm leaving.

She's not up to that.

Maybe not, but that's hope she's down to it.

I know I'll blow it.

Well said, my dear.

But don't worry. It may look like we're rushing things a bit.

But the fact is, if you're going to walk and talk at the same time,

it's necessary that we find somebody that, if you do fall in your ass,

it won't make any difference.

Sounds like my first husband.

The target is in Europe at the moment.

Who is it?

Yes.

I'm the retractor for an infid fan.

Very strange square.

I haven't even visited the closet yet. Have you got it?

Not a suspicion.

I'll give you one more hint.

Geneva.

Textiles?

Well?

Oh, my God!

I'll box up on this girl, lady, in the box.

I know a lot of people. Why must it be him?

Yeah, why him?

Well, it's sighting, Miss.

She lives. How on earth are you going to pull it off?

I'm going to plant it.

That's how.

[knocking]

Time your favorite update.

Seymour, how lovely.

I was in the neighborhood.

You look well, Seymour.

I feel well, thanks.

How many years has it been?

Four, I think.

We had fun. Say we had fun.

We had fun.

Yes, that's true. We had fun.

Most of what I bullshit people with, I learn from you.

I see a kiss.

Oh, I have a matinee today.

And I have a show to do this afternoon.

Oh, you have so much work.

So much work.

You look tired.

I feel tired.

Very tired.

Very tired.

Very tired.

Oh, yes, very tired.

You need a trip.

I need a trip.

Mm-hmm.

You need a trip.

Where?

Geneva.

How much?

The instructions are in the envelope.

If for any reason you can't take this assignment,

I shall personally self-destruct before you very eyes.

[laughs]

Now, find an excuse to gain entry.

Photograph the layout of our prospective target.

This will allow Misty to feel at home the first time she's there.

In my opinion, they'll probably wind up on the floor.

Well, what do you think of my plan?

You are a machine gunner.

Grant me one thing.

What's that?

I'm not saying it can be done.

How dare you?

What I am saying, if anyone can do it, we can do it.

You're forgiven.

And absolutely right.

Now, the instructions on the tape can be transmitted easily,

and therefore can be meticulously followed.

What's the tape going to say, Seymour?

Do you have to order it special, or do you have it in stock?

Everything here is custom-made.

Nothing is off the rack.

Tanya, how are you at speaking into a microphone?

Why, you know I've made 13 films.

Most of them in Super 8.

You hold this.

Take down every word.

It's audio-visual time.

They're bringing out of a difficult man.

Sound only.

Take one.

Give her some body contact.

Body contact.

Now, keep after her.

I'm after you.

Find an excuse to touch him.

Say, "Sir, there's something in your eye."

"Sir, you have something in your eye."

Now, he'll probably get uncomfortable and change his position.

Turn that to your advantage and move in on.

I'm moving in on you.

Give her a little kiss.

Just a touch.

Just a touch.

I'm kissing you a little harder.

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Slowly kiss it.

Run your tongue over his nipple.

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I'm going to kiss his other nipple.

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I'm going to suck your cock.

Nick the side of his cock.

Nick his cock.

Suck it.

The inside of a ripe mango.

I'm going to lick your cock like the inside of a ripe mango.

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Ripe mango.

Take two.

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I'm licking the head of your cock.

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Why not do the sequel right now?

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[phone ringing]

Hello, House of Love. No, he's not. They're all a chinnitive studio on the

stage where Lawrence layman's production is having its end of shooting

party.

Yes, they should be back by morning. No, they didn't say which morning.

[audience laughter]

I have a permission. Want to hear? After your success with layman, we're

going to have dinner. The two of us.

[audience laughter]

Here we go.

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Go on, straight up to them.

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Tell Lawrence layman that Misty Beethoven wants his quote "fucking ass"

down here right away.

Okay.

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[audience laughter]

[audience laughter]

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The furniture arrives on Thursday.

I'm very pleased you could make it.

I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

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Misty, Barbara. Barbara, Misty. Good evening. Good evening.

[audience laughter]

You don't think I'm going to let him make that perilous journey alone?

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